*Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment. - Ecclesiastes 11:9b (NIV)
People often tell me to follow my heart. And so often I don't. I know that I tend to be a people-pleaser, which is SO bad in some situations. I think about Pilate who could have released Jesus, but instead pleased the chief priests and sent him to be executed. Or Nicodemus who was so afraid of what people might think that he came to Jesus in the darkness of night to learn more about Him. Following my heart sometimes means following a way different than what the crowd may think or even what one person might think of me.
For the longest time, I have abandoned many of my passions. It was all because I followed what my mind and those around me were telling me, rather than what my heart was longing for. I gave up dancing because I was told that I didn't have the time, and that it would wreck havoc on my knees, and that I needed to devote myself to one thing. Now, I miss it like crazy and I'm worried I may not be able to dance as well as I used to. I stopped playing the flute for the longest time, not just because it had lost the fun, but because the people around me were telling me that it was useless to be a music major if I wasn't going to do it as a career, and even when I was merely playing in band, I stopped because people told me it was taking up too much time and that it would take me away from my studies. My grades in english classes have always been decent, but never extraordinary. However, my LOVE for writing flourishes when someone gives me the chance and doesn't kill me with pointing out every grammatical error ever made. I stopped reading because I didn't read fast enough. I stopped cooking because someone told me I did it wrong. I stopped sewing because someone told me my stitches were uneven, but wasn't willing to help. I stopped writing music because someone told me my chords didn't move smoothly and correctly.
By allowing others to tell me what to do and what not to do, I lost sight of who I am. Perhaps I am wrong, but by conforming to others' expectations, I disregarded my embedded expectations for myself. I no longer followed my passions, rather I followed what others perceived to be my passions. Yes, my sad story. Don't worry, there's a happy ending.
However, by realizing this over the past six months or so, I've begun to make adjustments. I'm choosing to move closer to home, where family can be a priority. I'm choosing to go to a school where I can break out the flute again and enjoy music for what it is. I'm choosing to dance, as long as my body allows me to. I'm choosing to read what I want and write when I feel like it. I'm choosing to live out my faith in a real and radical way. I'm choosing to follow my heart...those passions that God implanted in me the day I was born. I'm not ignoring others, but merely acknowledging that I have a heart to follow...And one day, God will judge my choices. But I think He would prefer it this way...
Follow your heart. One day you'll be judged. But don't allow your identity to be stolen by conforming to who others want you to be...
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