Renewed Desire

I am so thankful for the Word tonight!  It seems like every once in a while, we get burnt out.  Burnt out on church and all the activity there.  Burnt out on trying to find time to give Jesus a portion of our day.  Burnt out on hearing the same thing from the Word over and over.  (There may be a reason for that...However, it may also be you.)  

Well, after much deliberation tonight and spending time in Word and prayer, it seems like the staleness is gone.  There's a renewed desire to get into the Word (even if it is at 6am) and to have that personal relationship with Christ.  But even more than that, there's a renewed desire to share what I'm learning and experiencing with God.  SOOOOO...

God is leading Nichole and I to something new.  No, we aren't leaving Light of Love Fellowship-STL!  BUT, we are prayerfully beginning to put together a Bible Study/Accountability group that will begin after Thanksgiving.  We have decided that it is something that is needed among a few of us and all else are welcome to join us.  So, I believe the plan is going to be to chose a book of the Bible and stick with it.  We may get a study to go along with it to keep us on track, but we may not.  The thought right now is to go through a book of the Bible we pray and choose as a group and go through it VERY slowly gleaning all we can from it.  So many of us get caught up in doing some study that we forget that the Word is what we need to learn from most!  Everyone's experience and stories and interpretation of it is awesome, but we need the WORD!  Hopefully that will get started up and God will lead us in the direction He intends.  

Also, Nichole and I are praying about where God is leading us.  Yes, we are going out of the country for a short term mission trip. And we vaguely know the dates.  But where has not been confirmed yet.  So we are still needing prayers for direction and preparation as the place where we are led to go will not be an easy place to make home.  The job will not be easy and we need to be ABSOLUTELY sure that "this" is where God wants us to be.  We are both very excited about it.  I have no reservations about going, however, the funds must be there.  I am sure that God will provide through the giving of others to make it happen.  Fundraising will begin soon after God makes a few confirmations of destination and dates.  (Anyone wanna pay for my passport??? Lol.)  Applications will be sent in as well.  

You should also know that the application process for this ministry is not easy.  The application itself covers the basic need-to-know stuff, but it also asks quite a few questions that the answers are more like essays.  So, already be praying as we fill out the application and discern where God is taking us!  

I am soooo excited about where God is taking us in the school of life!  He is doing some awesome things to build our faith, but there have been plenty of trials and temptations.  We are learning more than ever and for the first time in a long time, I desire the Word.  I desire my prayer time.  I desire to fast. (Yes, imagine that?!)  Sure, there are times when I'm tired and I really don't "feel" like doing it...but my heart always brings me back to why I'm doing it.  There's a renewed desire in me to live the life God intended for me to live.  And even though I've been told to wait and be patient, I've also been told to get up off my laziness and get moving because there is a lot to learn before I can get anywhere near a pulpit.  And it's sad to admit it, but I'm finally learning that the goal is not to get behind the pulpit, but to get in check with God!  To walk with Jesus down the road to Emmaus and to experience life at its best with Him!  Jesus came for us to have life at it's fullest...sure, we must learn to wait for various circumstances to arise, but we MUST claim it!  

What's your true desire?  Where is God asking you to go?  Down the street?  Across the room?  To another city?  Country? Do you even desire to be a witness for Him?  

"Keep lookin' up, 

Cause God's lookin' down - 

And EYE CONTACT is CRUCIAL!!!!"

Just a Little...

Disappointed.  Angry.  Hurt.

Yeah, that's the extent of what I am right now.  I had hoped to have a dream wedding in November when I began this battle.  However, through it's craziness, I have learned that I won't get that dream wedding.  Not with the budget that I have.  But, I've also learned that God wanted a simple wedding for two simple believers.  Now, I see how important it is to have the ones you love with you on that big day!  Not everyone I want to be there will be at my wedding though...

Some live out of town like 12 hours away (they are excused).

Some can't afford to come up/down for the wedding (they are excused).

Some didn't rearrange their schedule to be at their family's members wedding.  This I find ridiculous.  Especially with ample notice...sure, it may not have been a year or two in advance, but 2-4 months, should be plenty of time.

My mom and my siblings will probably not be at my wedding.  This sucks.  I wanted my sister to be a part of my wedding (and my lil' bro and lil' big bro - ya know, the ones who are blood-related to me)...but now, they can't.  My mom is my mom!!!  You'd think it would be a "no duh" with that one!  Of course I want my mom at my wedding!  (Of course, when I was eloping - that was the only disappointing part - my parents couldn't be a part of my wedding!)  Now, I'm not eloping.  I want people there.  I want there to be a spirit of celebration.  And so yeah, I'm disappointed, angry, and hurt that they won't be there.

I wish I could change the date of my wedding.  But I can't.  If I knew that Nichole's grandma would be around in a year or two (or even 6 months), I would wait.  But I don't.  And I don't want to be that fiance who causes her grandma to be unable to be at her wedding.  That's just not how it works.  I don't want that to be something that comes between us.  I would want my fiance to do the same if it were my grandma who was dying of cancer!!!  And maybe in 6 months or 2 years, Nichole's grandma will still be around (God willing!!!).  But, I'm not gonna chance it because it doesn't make sense to do so.

Plus, Nichole and I need to get married.  We're already living together and sharing each other's lives (No, we aren't having sex), but God would prefer that we get married sooner rather than later.  We already act like married people. LOL.

Just wish my family would be there with me to celebrate.  It hurts because they would probably make sure to rearrange their schedules if I were marrying a man in a traditional wedding that everyone had been planning too.  No one helped us plan this wedding.  No one helped with costs.  So, I have done everything possible to make sure that this wedding happens - Yet, it appears that I rank on the bottom of the priority list.

Just so you know, I'm STILL going to get married to Nichole by the end of Nov 17th, 2012.  And I will be the happiest girl on my wedding day because I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend!  :)

Learning

So I am learning a ton these days!!! Learning is awesome though because it means there is always something new. Whether it is at work, in relationships, or in your spiritual life, it keeps things afresh! I'll break it down for ya!

WORK
I'm now full time!!!! As of September 24th, I have worked 40 hour weeks! Which is awesome and busy and really crazy!!! God has so blessed us by allowing this full time position to open up and giving me the opportunity to work 12 more hours each week and get paid to do it!!! On top of that, I have benefits that will start sometime in November! So that will also be a blessing to my very supportive dad who will no longer have to carry me on his insurance plans. At work, I am getting ready to train for therapy so I can do physical therapy with the guys and be able to switch up my day a bit! Like I said, the learning never ends. I make mistakes at work, but I have an awesome team who can brush it off pretty easily though I still wonder about some. Lol. My clients are getting to know me and I'm loving them more and more. Some days are rougher than others (for instance today was pretty darn awful for a Friday) but I always make it through and I'm grateful I'm in a job that has a direct impact on a person's life. I can listen to Joy FM and have that kind of an influence on these people amidst the chaos of this world and their lives. (which are truly not their own). Thank You Jesus for my work!

HEALTH
I have some pain. But no where near where it was. Lol. I'm starting to work out/run again. It's a slow and honestly painful process since I haven't done it in so long. But I'd love to be able to run a 5K race in the spring. Mom might do it with me too!!! I can only hope that I'll be ready in time! As for doctors and medicines: I have had none in quite some time. Which is a blessing on the finances but my doctors are begging to see me. I'll see them when I can. Right now, I wanna lose some of that weight I have ever much of on my body.

SCHOOL
Right now, I am almost convinced that God will not have me finish my degree. *Gasp* I know. I'm such a disappointment to all you who thought I'd do crazy things in this world. But let me tell you, I'm still gonna be doing crazy things. Which brings me to...

GOD
I know God is calling me to pastor. As much as I have tried to ignore it and walk away, it's still there. That calling is still strong upon my life. And I don't think God will take me back to school to do it. I think He gave me the opportunity to take the classes I needed (like communication classes, religious studies, and biblical Hebrew) and the opportunity to see how a small ministry runs with my campus ministry. The things I gleaned from my college years are well worth it even if I don't have a fancy paper. And I'm trying to not regret dropping out because I know God ordained those steps, but i won't says its been an easy conclusion to come to with family and friends wanting to know what I'm doing with my life. Lol. I hope they can see the good I have in my work and in my ministry that I do and will do. Jesus definitely took control when I asked Him too and to me control was having a degree. Clearly He is showing me that I can be equipped for the journey without a degree. Which I always hoped for, but never admitted to myself.
Now, I know I'm young, but I have known of my call since I was in middle school and high school. The years that I've grown in Christ make it worthwhile to say that I'm confident that God has called me in this direction. I don't know when the "process" will start but I know He is already equipping me. I am learning more than ever before and I'm being challenged daily by Christians as well as Christ Himself. I'm discerning the steps I ought to take before I become a member of the church. I am listening to the still, small voice that calls out to me in the darkest hours causing renewed faith in His plan. I'm learning to walk in His ways for His thoughts are not my thoughts nor are His ways my ways (Is 55:8). I'm in a waiting period before God has called me to action and I am learning how to behave and live a Godly life. A life that is acceptable before God and able to lead people to God!
Worship is vibrant and alive. I ran in church on Sunday. Yes, during worship and praise I ran around the church. I jumped. Sang. Shouted. Laughed. Danced even! To know that I looked like a fool online for God is almost comforting. Haha. It means pride is dying and authenticity is growing. It means I'm not gonna hide and stand quietly to worship the God who DIED for me (none the less, rose from the grave!!!!!). Anyway, worship is awesome and I can't tell ya how much I have longed for this moment in my spiritual walk. But like I said 15 jillion times already, I'm learning. I'm learning that if you truly long and desire and "earnestly search" for the deep things of God, He will give them to you. (Heb 11:6, 1 Cor 2:9-16) God will reward you...Now, not always in the way you think they should come, but blessings none the less!!!

FAITH
I'm making this a separate category because so much of this past week has been about it. It is a simple word, but it has incredible meaning. It is beyond trust to the extent where you're certain when nothing is happening and knowing that God has your best interest at heart. When things don't go your way, it's faith that MUST remind you that your ways are not always God's ways. Faith gives you a renewed spirit of power that keeps you going in Christ even when you're at the battle frontline. When sin comes your way, it is the trust that allows you to know that it is worth recovering from that worthless sin! It's worth the effort and the strife! Learning this has not been easy. And it won't get to be easy breezy! Sure, a bit easier as God and I go deeper, but there is a long way to go! I pray you may find that ounce of faith to get you through that mountain r valley. Know that Christ will always love you regardless. It is only a question of how much we will love Him.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm headed to bed so know that I love you all!!! Feel free to comment wherever!!! :)

Be Real!

I'm learning. I'm learning a whole lot these days. Some days go better than others. But right now, these two words are my prayer: vulnerability and accountability.

I need to learn to be vulnerable. To admit when I'm wrong and be willing to open up about my life. You think this is easy until pride seeps in. Now, pride and I have been awfully good friends since I was little and honestly, it isn't easy letting a habit so strong go. But it is necessary to grow in God. Vulnerability comes at the worst of times but it is also something you have to cause yourself to do. I sometimes say that I'm an open book: you ask and I'll tell ya the truth. But when it comes to telling my life's sin, I seem to follow don't ask don't tell. I get real quiet when questions arise and unless you ask me directly, I will probably say nothing or a very brief answer. (Mostly nothing!!!) Ya see, being vulnerable messes with pride (a deadly sin). And while I would love to be free from pride, being open about myself to other people can be scary. "What will they think?!" Top answer? Who cares!!! God is the only one who will be judging you in final judgement for that sin(s). So why should I care if people judge me. I think God can clean up that mess a whole lot easier than God can clean up a mess of our pride. I think what is getting me about this is that vulnerability is essential for true trust in God. To make ourselves not only vulnerable to others but also to God. To allow Him to have His way in us. To crucify our will and pick up His. To see that He is God. We are not. Vulnerability is essential to accountability. Accountability can not happen unless we are truthful with ourselves and others and GOD! But it isn't easy either.

I love accountability because it gives you responsibility. The responsibility to practice what you preach and be honest with where you are at in life. To be real and authentic no matter what you "should" be like. Where you are is only part of the journey. The desire to go forward must be there and until I realized how screwed up my human self is, I couldn't have the desire or ability to see past that to what God can do!

I'm not perfect at this stuff by any means. But this is what God has been teaching me the last 24 hours or so. Or even in the last week or two. It's the whisper in my ear when a question is asked at Bible study or at work to "Be real."

Essentially, what it boils down to be real. Period. Don't gloss over your mistakes, instead recognize them and do better next time (or let there not be a next time). Be willing to crucify that pride and be honest to others. It keeps you accountable to your actions and words.

I'm pondering starting some sort of Bible study/accountability group here on the STL side of MO. Not sure where, when, or even the method (online/FB/email/in-person). But join me in prayer and comment with thoughts. But even if something doesn't get started, be real.

Be you. Even if you is screwed up, YOU are loved by God! And through the power of God, you can be healed and made new! Be who you are because God doesn't want anything less than who He made you to be!