In one day, the Earth travels approximately 1.598 million miles from its initial position. Since I last wrote, we have traveled quite far. It's been about a month so I will separate the updates into sections like I did the last post.
Health
Nothing has really changed here. I've been on this patch for a while now. I like it, but I still have to take my pain meds every once in a while to help the pain. Right now, I'm in the middle of a lupus flare. I know this by a few reasons......1) My face is vividly showing the lupus butterfly rash and the rash is seen on other parts of my body. 2) I am in pain. Duh! My joints hurt. My hips and lower back are killing me as well as my hands and toes! Believe it or not, my lil' toe does hurt! Haha. 3) I feel like I have the flu. Every day. It really is horrendous. I wish I could get rid of this part because it makes my fatigue worse and my body is nauseous, etc. I can only hope that this flare will end soon and I will be feeling much better soon!
School
I have decided that I will not be returning to school in Spring of 2012. This is due to getting my health in order as well as a few personal reasons that are not going to be shared on the world wide web. I am terribly excited to have this break although I will miss the learning that happens with school. I need to refocus myself on what I want to do and who I want to be in this life before I return to get degrees and certifications. After losing Jalen, who was my constant lil' reminder of who I need to be, I lost my way. A lot of prep work didn't get done in order to switch schools for the Spring so I'm concerned it would be useless to try and attend school without that work being done. I am not concerned that I will get too busy to return to school. I am pretty set on going back to school. I know who I am and so I will....WILL return to school in the Fall.
Family
Considering Christmas just passed and the new year is approaching, family is doing well. I got to see some of my family this year. Work prohibited me from seeing my family on Christmas Eve with the exception of seeing Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Davine late in the night! And I've worked all of this week except for yesterday, which I spent with my Dad and lil' sibs! :) Oh, and I'll work the rest of this week too! So, work is going well, I suppose. I just hate that all the managers are guys, so no one gets it and my coworkers don't understand me whatsoever. But, I suppose that's how it goes.
Anyway, family. So, I had my first Christmas with Nichole. I loved it. She is such an amazing woman that I couldn't help but overspend for her. PLUS, I got some amazing things from her. She bought us a comforter/sheet set. It is by far the most comfortable comforter EVER! Oh, and we have an awesome family game called SCRABBLE!!! :) We've had a lot of fun playing many times. It's been hard finding time with each other since she started working nights. I honestly hate that our schedules do not go together at all! It makes me crazy when I get home and she is leaving for the night. But, I suppose that is how it goes. We do get some time to ourselves, but I wish it were at normal hours of the day when we didn't have 15 billion other things to do and take care of. BUT...Christmas was phenomenal. We got to spend it with both of our families over the 3 day Christmas celebration. :)
Well....I think that's about all I need to update you all on. OH...We did move at the end of November. So we are closer to everything. But we are millions of miles away from yesterday and even further from where we were at the beginning of our relationship. We are stronger than ever in each other and in our love. We take each day at a time and if there is one thing we never do we never take love for granted. "I love you" are the most powerful words of our day. And they are said often! :)
Have a great day!!!
Oh....and I love you, Nichole!!! :)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Back to Normal???
I had to really contemplate about what I wanted to title this blog. Honestly, things in my life are not back to normal. After the craziness off the last blog post (Aka Life Lived), there have been quite a few changes in my life and in the world around me. I'll try to separate it out into categories, but they really seem to mix together as the story of my life comes into focus............
Health
I really haven't made much progress in my health realm. I have been put on pain medication and that has helped bring the pain levels down when they are bad. I am also trying this patch that feeds medicine into me every hour or so. It helped a little bit the first week, but then I had to start taking my pain meds again because I felt I was back to the normal pain levels - high. Yesterday I started to get the first migraine that I have had since I started my new migraine preventative called topamax. It has stayed under a 5 on the pain scale so it hasn't gotten bad yet. I am hoping it stays that way and goes away soon! My eyes hurt from the light sensitivity!!! Regardless, I will still work on the computer, text on my phone, and go to classes, etc.
School
This is becoming a pain. Some of my professors are not so accommodating to excuse my absences and accept my homework that is coming in late to her. I am somewhat annoyed by this particular professor's actions and words. They really strike someone with chronic pain right in the heart. I've missed 9 out of her 43 class periods. She allows 5 excused absences without grades being knocked down. And she pretty much told me that I can't miss any more class periods. She wants to know why I am missing test days and quizzes....I told her I can't predict when my health is going to keep me in bed. Regardless, she still wants to know why I am not in class and why I've missed 25% of her class. (There goes my participation grade) I just don't think I can handle her any longer. From now on, I'm pushing myself beyond anything and even if I don't think I can do it...by golly, I'm going to that damn class!!! She wants me there that badly, I suppose. There's a reason I went through the trouble of going to the disability office.
ALSO...I'm considering whether or not I should register for classes at the community college in the Spring. I need to meet with a representative to talk about nursing school, which is extremely exciting to me. However, I have people like my father or others who have told me that I should consider taking time off to figure out what I want to do before I spend all the money in loans, etc, to go to school. Also, I have realized that I don't think I can get scholarships through the community college. Especially because I am not pursuing further education after the community college, yet. I really just want to be done with school and everything that is going on but it never seems to end. That's why I think there is part of me that wants to be done and just wants to take a break. But, I am afraid that I will never go back once I stop. Especially because, I will get a full-time job and I will be working. I doubt I will want to go back to school. I have really thought about it and I wonder what it would be like to not be in school. Honestly, I've never really had that before. Even summers were preparation for the next school year. Regardless, I will probably register for a science class or two...probably three to make sure I'm full-time. Then I'll take it from there. Maybe my schedule will allow me to work a normal-ish job in the day and take classes on set days or in the evenings. Who knows?!
Family
Nichole is back to work after Mr. Jalen left for Heaven. She is doing multiple cases but her goal is to work a night case full-time from 7pm to 7am. I was against it at first because I LOVE our evenings together, it's my favorite time of the day. However, it is what Nichole wants, and I want her to be happy (plus, there's other reasons that I can't list here because I just can't. Sorry.) Nichole and I are phenomenal together. We have fights just like any other couple, but we make up...like some couples. We love each other with all that we have and we share openly with each other all that we have. I know that we are both stressed out of our minds though right now. Between finances, moving, and various issues, we are nuts.
WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
We move in on November 30th. It is only a studio apartment, so it is small, but not too small. We have mostly figured out where everything is going, but we have a LOT of stuff that isn't going to fit, so we are making other arrangements for those. SO MUCH PACKING TO DO!!!! I am excited to be moving again and especially in with Nichole! And the bunnies will be free-roaming bunnies! AND...we will be closer to schools and work! :) OH...Speaking of work.....
Work
I'm back to work! And I have two new managers....both are guys. One is really weird and the other is cool. I am gonna go insane with all the new people. But hey, I guess that's the ups of being good at my job and helping out the ones who are just starting. ;) I am only working weekends to keep the stress down and at the lovely request of my fiance. So yep.
I think that is all I have for you. Lots of changes. I am really kinda crazy about everything going on. I'm behind in just about everything you can imagine. But hey......At least things are kinda back to normal????
Health
I really haven't made much progress in my health realm. I have been put on pain medication and that has helped bring the pain levels down when they are bad. I am also trying this patch that feeds medicine into me every hour or so. It helped a little bit the first week, but then I had to start taking my pain meds again because I felt I was back to the normal pain levels - high. Yesterday I started to get the first migraine that I have had since I started my new migraine preventative called topamax. It has stayed under a 5 on the pain scale so it hasn't gotten bad yet. I am hoping it stays that way and goes away soon! My eyes hurt from the light sensitivity!!! Regardless, I will still work on the computer, text on my phone, and go to classes, etc.
School
This is becoming a pain. Some of my professors are not so accommodating to excuse my absences and accept my homework that is coming in late to her. I am somewhat annoyed by this particular professor's actions and words. They really strike someone with chronic pain right in the heart. I've missed 9 out of her 43 class periods. She allows 5 excused absences without grades being knocked down. And she pretty much told me that I can't miss any more class periods. She wants to know why I am missing test days and quizzes....I told her I can't predict when my health is going to keep me in bed. Regardless, she still wants to know why I am not in class and why I've missed 25% of her class. (There goes my participation grade) I just don't think I can handle her any longer. From now on, I'm pushing myself beyond anything and even if I don't think I can do it...by golly, I'm going to that damn class!!! She wants me there that badly, I suppose. There's a reason I went through the trouble of going to the disability office.
ALSO...I'm considering whether or not I should register for classes at the community college in the Spring. I need to meet with a representative to talk about nursing school, which is extremely exciting to me. However, I have people like my father or others who have told me that I should consider taking time off to figure out what I want to do before I spend all the money in loans, etc, to go to school. Also, I have realized that I don't think I can get scholarships through the community college. Especially because I am not pursuing further education after the community college, yet. I really just want to be done with school and everything that is going on but it never seems to end. That's why I think there is part of me that wants to be done and just wants to take a break. But, I am afraid that I will never go back once I stop. Especially because, I will get a full-time job and I will be working. I doubt I will want to go back to school. I have really thought about it and I wonder what it would be like to not be in school. Honestly, I've never really had that before. Even summers were preparation for the next school year. Regardless, I will probably register for a science class or two...probably three to make sure I'm full-time. Then I'll take it from there. Maybe my schedule will allow me to work a normal-ish job in the day and take classes on set days or in the evenings. Who knows?!
Family
Nichole is back to work after Mr. Jalen left for Heaven. She is doing multiple cases but her goal is to work a night case full-time from 7pm to 7am. I was against it at first because I LOVE our evenings together, it's my favorite time of the day. However, it is what Nichole wants, and I want her to be happy (plus, there's other reasons that I can't list here because I just can't. Sorry.) Nichole and I are phenomenal together. We have fights just like any other couple, but we make up...like some couples. We love each other with all that we have and we share openly with each other all that we have. I know that we are both stressed out of our minds though right now. Between finances, moving, and various issues, we are nuts.
WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
We move in on November 30th. It is only a studio apartment, so it is small, but not too small. We have mostly figured out where everything is going, but we have a LOT of stuff that isn't going to fit, so we are making other arrangements for those. SO MUCH PACKING TO DO!!!! I am excited to be moving again and especially in with Nichole! And the bunnies will be free-roaming bunnies! AND...we will be closer to schools and work! :) OH...Speaking of work.....
Work
I'm back to work! And I have two new managers....both are guys. One is really weird and the other is cool. I am gonna go insane with all the new people. But hey, I guess that's the ups of being good at my job and helping out the ones who are just starting. ;) I am only working weekends to keep the stress down and at the lovely request of my fiance. So yep.
I think that is all I have for you. Lots of changes. I am really kinda crazy about everything going on. I'm behind in just about everything you can imagine. But hey......At least things are kinda back to normal????
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Life Lived
I knew if I got too close he would go. I knew if I learned to love he who didn't speak he would leave. I knew if I let him into my life he would change not only my life but me.
It started with just a hello with no response. I never thought I would ever be able to carry on complete conversations with someone who didn't respond except with a subtle movement of his eyes on a good day! But one visit became two and before I knew it, I was visiting two or three times a week for hours at a time! I became friends with the family without them ever knowing me. With all that time around this boy, 3yo Jalen, I began to know how he communicated. I could see in his eyes what he was responding. I even learned some basic nursing practices. Through those many times in a couple short months, I went from being a half-committed English education major to a scared to death nursing major! I applied and was accepted to school. I had never been more certain of my career choice in my entire life!!! It felt so good!!! Jalen cheered me on all the way. He was with me as I made a mess of his G-button. And he was with me as I learned how to push medicines, start a feeding, suction a trach and nose/mouth, and change a diaper (with a nice bladder massage). And let's not forget my adventures with learning how to read and talk to patients who don't respond orally. Yes. I'm not a master. But I have learned a lot from a three year old boy. He has taught me more about life than life itself. But more than anything, I have learned to follow my heart. Because at the end of the day, that's about the only thing I can claim as mine. So I might as well follow where it leads.
I may not be your ideal image of a nurse. That's because I'm not. I want to be a school nurse. I wanna work with kids. I don't care how old, but kids. And perhaps some day I will get to work with the most special children of all. Kids like Jalen. For now, I'm just trying to figure out why Jalen left me to do the rest on my own.......He was supposed to live to be 32!!! ;)
You are missed by many you've blessed, Jalen!!!!
It started with just a hello with no response. I never thought I would ever be able to carry on complete conversations with someone who didn't respond except with a subtle movement of his eyes on a good day! But one visit became two and before I knew it, I was visiting two or three times a week for hours at a time! I became friends with the family without them ever knowing me. With all that time around this boy, 3yo Jalen, I began to know how he communicated. I could see in his eyes what he was responding. I even learned some basic nursing practices. Through those many times in a couple short months, I went from being a half-committed English education major to a scared to death nursing major! I applied and was accepted to school. I had never been more certain of my career choice in my entire life!!! It felt so good!!! Jalen cheered me on all the way. He was with me as I made a mess of his G-button. And he was with me as I learned how to push medicines, start a feeding, suction a trach and nose/mouth, and change a diaper (with a nice bladder massage). And let's not forget my adventures with learning how to read and talk to patients who don't respond orally. Yes. I'm not a master. But I have learned a lot from a three year old boy. He has taught me more about life than life itself. But more than anything, I have learned to follow my heart. Because at the end of the day, that's about the only thing I can claim as mine. So I might as well follow where it leads.
I may not be your ideal image of a nurse. That's because I'm not. I want to be a school nurse. I wanna work with kids. I don't care how old, but kids. And perhaps some day I will get to work with the most special children of all. Kids like Jalen. For now, I'm just trying to figure out why Jalen left me to do the rest on my own.......He was supposed to live to be 32!!! ;)
You are missed by many you've blessed, Jalen!!!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Shift in the Wind
I know I have been an absolutely horrible blogger as of late. And I know I probably say that every time. BUT SERIOUSLY!!! I mean it. So, needless to say, I have a lot to mention....
I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!! I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE). I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it. I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it. At least I have answers when some people don't even have those! Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect. I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable. I feel like I have the flu, only not really. It feels worse. And it feels worse every day. I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day. There are worse days, but never better days. So, my normal day becomes a good day. That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable). I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!! SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......
A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good. She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well. The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk. My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome. Other than that, things with the family are pretty good. Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack. And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies). They made the move quick and easy. ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!! ;)
SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life. I want to be a school nurse. Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know. The average college student changes their major 5 times. I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time. BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again. Why?
I love kids.
I love helping people.
I love educating people.
Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher. So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me. I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth. (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.) I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel. But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything. I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though. And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help. And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health. Perhaps I'm crazy.
I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing. A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people. I want to help people in this way. And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead. I am good at the sciences anyway. They come easily to me. I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school. LOL!!!
While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that. I think. I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.
It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups. Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level. And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind. Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.
Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........
I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!! I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE). I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it. I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it. At least I have answers when some people don't even have those! Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect. I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable. I feel like I have the flu, only not really. It feels worse. And it feels worse every day. I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day. There are worse days, but never better days. So, my normal day becomes a good day. That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable). I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!! SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......
A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good. She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well. The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk. My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome. Other than that, things with the family are pretty good. Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack. And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies). They made the move quick and easy. ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!! ;)
SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life. I want to be a school nurse. Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know. The average college student changes their major 5 times. I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time. BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again. Why?
I love kids.
I love helping people.
I love educating people.
Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher. So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me. I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth. (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.) I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel. But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything. I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though. And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help. And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health. Perhaps I'm crazy.
I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing. A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people. I want to help people in this way. And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead. I am good at the sciences anyway. They come easily to me. I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school. LOL!!!
While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that. I think. I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.
It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups. Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level. And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind. Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.
Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Bedtime at 10am?!
I woke up today with a migraine. Actually, this migraine is leftover from last night. How am I writing on a computer screen if I have a migraine, you ask? My eyes are closed and the computer screen is as dim as can be...and my typing is as soft as possible. I am so sick of laying in bed doing nothing. That's all these diseases seem to want to do. I'm excited to start school on Monday, but I'm scared to death that school is going to kill my body. Hiking quickly from one end of campus to the next with a full backpack in ten minutes does not sound appealing to me. Especially in a flare, the task will be great. I just want to be able to enjoy school now that I am finally choosing for myself what I want to do with my life and what I want to major in, etc. I want life to be simple, yet with chronic pain, simple is merely wishful thinking.
Migraines suck.
Fibromyalgia sucks.
Even depression sucks.
Taking more meds than my grandma sucks.
Needless to say, I am considering bedtime at 10am...This sucks. There's nothing else I can do. Okay, I'm done now. Adios.
Migraines suck.
Fibromyalgia sucks.
Even depression sucks.
Taking more meds than my grandma sucks.
Needless to say, I am considering bedtime at 10am...This sucks. There's nothing else I can do. Okay, I'm done now. Adios.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Trapped & Turmoil
I feel trapped.
No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it. And no. Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is. I could end the relationship if I wanted to. And no. I don't want to end the relationship.
Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.
No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen. Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls. SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea. And that brings me to why I feel trapped.
Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions. Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act. Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will. And I'm done listening to them. My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo. I'm trapped. I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.
For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry. For once I'm starting to live my life and love it. I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be. When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect. It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke. It is very real. And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not. I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love! We want your support and your love.
With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live. Recently, quite a few changes have taken place. I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church. I have changed my major umpteen million times. I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa. I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic. Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered. But all through it, I've begun to find myself. I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me. I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me. It doesn't work that way. You get to live your life, please let me live mine. You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do. But, I'm happy where I am at. I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me. It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.
In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture. A society that is so set in stone is dangerous. I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves. This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV). It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.
So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams. It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all. Thanks. And respectfully comment if you so choose.
No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it. And no. Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is. I could end the relationship if I wanted to. And no. I don't want to end the relationship.
Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.
No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen. Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls. SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea. And that brings me to why I feel trapped.
Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions. Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act. Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will. And I'm done listening to them. My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo. I'm trapped. I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.
For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry. For once I'm starting to live my life and love it. I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be. When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect. It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke. It is very real. And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not. I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love! We want your support and your love.
With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live. Recently, quite a few changes have taken place. I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church. I have changed my major umpteen million times. I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa. I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic. Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered. But all through it, I've begun to find myself. I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me. I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me. It doesn't work that way. You get to live your life, please let me live mine. You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do. But, I'm happy where I am at. I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me. It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.
In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture. A society that is so set in stone is dangerous. I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves. This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV). It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.
So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams. It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all. Thanks. And respectfully comment if you so choose.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS!
Yesterday, Nichole and I went to get our engagement photos done. They are by a Mrs. Kymberly Spaulding who did our hair and make-up before we left! I love being pampered, so it was an amazing day! We went out to Cuivre River State Park to have lovely scenery. Great times! So, here are a few of my favorites! :)
Sorry if there are any repeats! BUT, don't they look phenomenal! I'm so excited! I can't wait to get some of them printed and framed! :) Anyway, I love Nichole D Kelly! She is the light of my life and the other half of my heartbeat! She makes me happy to live! She completes me!
Sorry if there are any repeats! BUT, don't they look phenomenal! I'm so excited! I can't wait to get some of them printed and framed! :) Anyway, I love Nichole D Kelly! She is the light of my life and the other half of my heartbeat! She makes me happy to live! She completes me!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Recent-ness
I have decided to go ahead and write a post to address some of the things that have been going on recently in my life. And, I'm going to save the best for last.
I've been employed. No, it isn't some fancy job...just retail. BUT...I honestly can say that I love my job. I love seeing all the different, crazy, unique people that come into the store. I'm a sales associate, but to me, I'm so much more than just another person on their payroll. Instead, I look at myself in a way that allows me to help people find the clothes and gear they need to do anything that they want to...whether that is look as great as they can going back to school or work, or help them have the tools that they need to hike Mount Everest. (No joking there....) I love the people I work with. The dynamics of the team are crazy but in a good way. Not one person has the same personality as another. So yes. Great job. Part-time, but that's exactly what I need for the school season. :)
My mother got married! I think this is a good thing. Everyone deserves to be happy in this life. The wedding was beautiful. My mom looked great for being over 40 in a wedding dress! That makes me excited for how great I'm going to look when I'm old and decrepit! ;) Anyhow, that's awesome! So, I now have a step-dad and three step-sibs. Not sure if I'm ready to call them siblings yet because I already have three great sibs, so we shall see how that goes!
NOW...The news you all have been waiting for!!!
I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I am engaged to Nichole Denise Kelly! She is by far the most beautiful woman I have ever met. Yes, she is a female. Yes, this, by definition, would make me gay/lesbian/whatever you want to call it! But, I can assure you that this is what I want with my life. Now, to answer a few questions........
When did you get together? Nichole and I met a couple years ago, but really didn't start talking until summer of 2010. Then, by July, we were completely and utterly best friends! We shared our hearts with each other more than anyone else I have ever known! By February of 2011, we both knew that we loved each other more than just best friends, but we denied our feelings until July of 2011. It was like a huge sweep of relief when we admitted it! By the end of July, we were engaged! :)
Have you always been "this" way? For a lot of folks, it seems like the lifestyle I have chosen has come as a surprise. But, now that I think about it, I think I have always been attracted to girls. I think that may be why I never found any boys interesting enough to date, but I'm not sure. I find some boys to be cute, so if anything ever happened to Nichole, I don't know if I would go for a boy or girl! I guess it would just depend! But, I hope and pray that never has to happen!
Don't you think things are going a bit too quick since you just started dating? No. Nichole and I talked about it and I think we know more about each other than some couples do before they get married! We have completely shared our hearts, hopes and dreams with the other as well as our fears and concerns. No one knows everything about the other before they get married....that's why it is a life-long journey. Plus, we already feel like we've been dating!!!!
"It's not biblical." Well, that's your interpretation. I don't feel that way. Until I'm convicted that what I'm doing is wrong, I'm not going to change. I'm in love!!! And true love only comes from God. True love is what I have for Nichole. Not to get all mushy or sexual, I'm not in love with Nichole only for sex. I think that shall be quite a wonderful benefit, but I love her for who she is and I can't stand not to be with her all the days of my life! Our relationship is not out of lust, which is what most of the Biblical passages are regarding: homosexual relations out of lust or adultery.
Are you still a Christian? DUH!!! I still believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior and the only way I can have a relationship with God! Nichole and I strive to put God at the head of our relationship. Just because I am choosing to live a homosexual lifestyle doesn't mean that I am rejecting God. I assure you that I would NEVER be happy in life without God. Been there, done that. SO...OF COURSE I am still a Christian. I still go to Mass and pray, etc. It's just normal for me to do so and I love it. It means a lot to me, so I won't stop being a Christian just because I've told the world that I'm in a homosexual relationship. I still feel like I can be a great follower of Christ! I love HIM!!!
So, are you going to get married to Nichole? That's what engaged means, right???? Lol. We plan on having a legal ceremony in a state that recognizes our love and then having an unofficial-official ceremony here for our friends and family!!! We have already begun the planning, and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, there is a LOT going on in my life. I am completely and utterly in love. Nichole makes me the happiest person alive!!! (Though, she would disagree.) She has helped me find the real me instead of the me that everyone else wants me to be. I've finally started living my own life and being my own person, which has made me happier than I have ever been! This is by far, the happiest I've been in a LONG time!!! So, that is awesome. Everything seems to be going great, even though there are plenty of struggles in my life. I love telling people how we got engaged, so if you want to know....ASK! PLEASE! And if you want to know anything else or if you still have questions, talk to Nichole or I about it. Please don't go to our parents or each other because they can't talk about us as well as we can! So, thanks for respecting that!
ALRIGHT...Well, I have to get ready for work, so I'll keep you all updated on the wedding planning, etc. Have an awesome and blessed day!!!!!!!
I've been employed. No, it isn't some fancy job...just retail. BUT...I honestly can say that I love my job. I love seeing all the different, crazy, unique people that come into the store. I'm a sales associate, but to me, I'm so much more than just another person on their payroll. Instead, I look at myself in a way that allows me to help people find the clothes and gear they need to do anything that they want to...whether that is look as great as they can going back to school or work, or help them have the tools that they need to hike Mount Everest. (No joking there....) I love the people I work with. The dynamics of the team are crazy but in a good way. Not one person has the same personality as another. So yes. Great job. Part-time, but that's exactly what I need for the school season. :)
My mother got married! I think this is a good thing. Everyone deserves to be happy in this life. The wedding was beautiful. My mom looked great for being over 40 in a wedding dress! That makes me excited for how great I'm going to look when I'm old and decrepit! ;) Anyhow, that's awesome! So, I now have a step-dad and three step-sibs. Not sure if I'm ready to call them siblings yet because I already have three great sibs, so we shall see how that goes!
NOW...The news you all have been waiting for!!!
I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, I am engaged to Nichole Denise Kelly! She is by far the most beautiful woman I have ever met. Yes, she is a female. Yes, this, by definition, would make me gay/lesbian/whatever you want to call it! But, I can assure you that this is what I want with my life. Now, to answer a few questions........
When did you get together? Nichole and I met a couple years ago, but really didn't start talking until summer of 2010. Then, by July, we were completely and utterly best friends! We shared our hearts with each other more than anyone else I have ever known! By February of 2011, we both knew that we loved each other more than just best friends, but we denied our feelings until July of 2011. It was like a huge sweep of relief when we admitted it! By the end of July, we were engaged! :)
Have you always been "this" way? For a lot of folks, it seems like the lifestyle I have chosen has come as a surprise. But, now that I think about it, I think I have always been attracted to girls. I think that may be why I never found any boys interesting enough to date, but I'm not sure. I find some boys to be cute, so if anything ever happened to Nichole, I don't know if I would go for a boy or girl! I guess it would just depend! But, I hope and pray that never has to happen!
Don't you think things are going a bit too quick since you just started dating? No. Nichole and I talked about it and I think we know more about each other than some couples do before they get married! We have completely shared our hearts, hopes and dreams with the other as well as our fears and concerns. No one knows everything about the other before they get married....that's why it is a life-long journey. Plus, we already feel like we've been dating!!!!
"It's not biblical." Well, that's your interpretation. I don't feel that way. Until I'm convicted that what I'm doing is wrong, I'm not going to change. I'm in love!!! And true love only comes from God. True love is what I have for Nichole. Not to get all mushy or sexual, I'm not in love with Nichole only for sex. I think that shall be quite a wonderful benefit, but I love her for who she is and I can't stand not to be with her all the days of my life! Our relationship is not out of lust, which is what most of the Biblical passages are regarding: homosexual relations out of lust or adultery.
Are you still a Christian? DUH!!! I still believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior and the only way I can have a relationship with God! Nichole and I strive to put God at the head of our relationship. Just because I am choosing to live a homosexual lifestyle doesn't mean that I am rejecting God. I assure you that I would NEVER be happy in life without God. Been there, done that. SO...OF COURSE I am still a Christian. I still go to Mass and pray, etc. It's just normal for me to do so and I love it. It means a lot to me, so I won't stop being a Christian just because I've told the world that I'm in a homosexual relationship. I still feel like I can be a great follower of Christ! I love HIM!!!
So, are you going to get married to Nichole? That's what engaged means, right???? Lol. We plan on having a legal ceremony in a state that recognizes our love and then having an unofficial-official ceremony here for our friends and family!!! We have already begun the planning, and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, there is a LOT going on in my life. I am completely and utterly in love. Nichole makes me the happiest person alive!!! (Though, she would disagree.) She has helped me find the real me instead of the me that everyone else wants me to be. I've finally started living my own life and being my own person, which has made me happier than I have ever been! This is by far, the happiest I've been in a LONG time!!! So, that is awesome. Everything seems to be going great, even though there are plenty of struggles in my life. I love telling people how we got engaged, so if you want to know....ASK! PLEASE! And if you want to know anything else or if you still have questions, talk to Nichole or I about it. Please don't go to our parents or each other because they can't talk about us as well as we can! So, thanks for respecting that!
ALRIGHT...Well, I have to get ready for work, so I'll keep you all updated on the wedding planning, etc. Have an awesome and blessed day!!!!!!!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
GREAT Read
This is by FAR the best letter ever written. I would never have this letter written to me, but...I think it is pretty darn hilarious. Take it as a joke...but seriously, it's great!!! I did not write it, so I have no credibility in this piece of art. It was shared to me through a group that I am in on Facebook. Regardless, please enjoy the great read below entitled:
"Advice from an ER Doctor to a Drug Seeker"
"Advice from an ER Doctor to a Drug Seeker"
OK, I am not going to lecture you about the dangers of narcotic pain medicines. We both know how addictive they are: you because you know how it feels when you don't have your vicodin, me because I've seen many many many people just like you. However, there are a few things I can tell you that would make us both much happier. By following a few simple rules our little clinical transaction can go more smoothly and we'll both be happier because you get out of the ER quicker.
The first rule is be nice to the nurses. They are underpaid, overworked, and have a lot more influence over your stay in the ER than you think. When you are tempted to treat them like shit because they are not the ones who write the rx, remember: I might write for you to get a shot of 2mg of dilaudid, but your behavior toward the nurses determines what percent of that dilaudid is squirted onto the floor before you get your shot.
The second rule is pick a simple, non-dangerous, (non-verifiable) painful condition which doesn't require me to do a four thousand dollar work-up in order to get you out of the ER. If you tell me that you headache started suddenly and is the 'worst headache of your life' you will either end up with a spinal tap or signing out against medical advice without an rx for pain medicine. The parts of the story that you think make you sound pitiful and worthy of extra narcotics make me worry that you have a bleeding aneurysm. And while I am 99% sure its not, I'm not willing to lay my license and my families future on the line for your ass. I also don't want to miss the poor bastard who really has a bleed, so everyone with that history gets a needle in the back. Just stick to a history of your 'typical pain that is totally the same as I usually get' and we will both be much happier.
The third rule (related to #2) is never rate your pain a 10/10. 10/10 means the worst pain you could possibly imagine. I've seen people in a 10/10 pain and you sitting there playing tetris on your cell phone are not in 10/10 pain. 10/10 pain is an open fracture dangling in the wind, a 50% body surface deep partial thickness burn, or the pain of a real cerebral aneurysm. Even when I passed a kidney stone, the worst pain I had was probably a 7. And that was when I was projectile vomiting and crying for my mother. So stick with a nice 7 or even an 8. That means to me you are hurting by you might not be lying. (See below.)
The fourth rule is never ever ever lie to me about who you are or your history. If you come to the ER and give us a fake name so we can't get your old records I will assume you are a worse douchetard than you really are. More importantly though it will really really piss me the fuck off. Pissing off the guy who writes the rx you want does not work to your advantage.
The fifth rule is don't assume I am an idiot. I went to medical school. That is certainly no guarantee that I am a rocket scientist I know (hell, I went to school with a few people who were a couple of french fries short of a happy meal.) However, I also got an ER residency spot which means I was in the top quarter or so of my class. This means it is a fair guess I am a reasonably smart guy. So if I read your triage note and 1) you list allergies to every non-narcotic pain medicine ever made, 2) you have a history of migraines, fibromyalgia, and lumbar disk disease, and 3) your doctor is on vacation, only has clinic on alternate Tuesdays, or is dead, I am smart enough to read that as: you are scamming for some vicodin. That in and of itself won't necessarily mean you don't get any pain medicine. Hell, the fucktards who list and allergy to tylenol but who can take vicodin (which contains tylenol) are at least good for a few laughs at the nurses station. However, if you give that history everyone in the ER from me to the guy who mops the floor will know you are a lying douchetard who is scamming for vicodin. (See rule # 4 about lying.)
The sixth and final rule is wait your fucking turn. If the nurse triages you to the waiting room but brings patients who arrived after you back to be treated first, that is because this is an EMERGENCY room and they are sicker than you are. You getting a fix of vicodin is not more important than the 6 year old with a severe asthma attack. Telling the nurse at triage that now your migraine is giving you chest pain since you have been sitting a half hour in the waiting area to try to force her into taking you back sooner is a recipe for making all of us hate you. Even if you end up coming back immediately, I will make it my mission that night to torment you. You will not get the pain medicine you want under any circumstances. And I firmly believe that if you manipulate your way to the back and make a 19 year old young woman with an ectopic pregnancy that might kill her in a few hours wait even a moment longer to be seen, I should be able to piss in a glass and make you drink it before you leave the ER.
So if you keep these few simple rules in mind, our interaction will go much more smoothly. I don't really give a shit if I give 20 vicodins to a drug-seeker. Before I was burnt out in the ER I was a hippy and I would honestly rather give that to ten of you guys than make one person in real pain (unrelated to withdrawal) suffer. However, if you insist on waving a flourescent orange flag that says 'I am a drug seeker' and pissing me and the nurses off with your behavior, I am less likely to give you that rx. You don't want that. I don't want that. So lets keep this simple, easy, and we'll all be much happier.
Sincerely,
Your friendly neighborhood ER doctor
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Two Extremes
Let's see, good news or bad news first.......
BAD NEWS: My rheumatologist appointment did not go well. Good part of the bad news? My rheumy doesn't think I have rheumatoid arthritis. That's great, but I am still in tons of pain every day and she isn't doing anything about it. Even if it is only the fibromyalgia that is causing all of the problems, she didn't even adjust any meds or give any advice on how to reduce/stop the pain. It is making me crazy! My body is not some piece of useless material that can be thrown to the side while the doctor waits to mend it. It doesn't work like that. I have to be able to use my body! Ha. I want to be able to do so many things, but I can't if I don't have the strength to do it. OR, if I physically can't because of the pain. I hate that doctors pull you along on this vision that they know what they are talking about, BUT when it comes to diagnosing you, they are completely oblivious to your symptoms of pain and don't know/understand what is causing the pain and how to fix it. And ANYONE who tells me that I don't like this doctor because they didn't diagnose me with something I thought I might have because a doctor told me I might have it is NO friend of mine. That is probably the WORST thing you can tell someone who struggles every day with an invisible disease and experiences the pain that I feel. It is hard enough as it is. Don't make it worse. I pay doctors to help me get better. This one isn't. That means they are not doing their job. Don't tell me that I am just mad because the doctor didn't diagnose me with rheumatoid arthritis. Just...don't make it worse.
On to a better topic...
GOOD NEWS: I AM FULLY REGISTERED FOR FALL 2011 CLASSES!!!!!! I had orientation and registration for my new university that I am transferring my credits to. I breezed through most of the day. I didn't have to take the english or math assessments...which was AWESOME!!! And then I figured out that I definitely have enough loans and financial aid to help with the costs for the upcoming year. Again, awesome. After financial aid, I got to register for classes, which was BY FAR my favorite part. I registered as an English major...but not just a simple English major, rather a SECONDARY ENGLISH EDUCATION major!!!!!! I'm really excited about it. My classes aren't that exciting, but I am back in the music realm too! WHICH IS REALLLLLLLYYYYYY EXCITING!!!
Anyhow, I'm done typing for now. There's the two extremes of my day, and it's not even 4pm yet! Still have a ways to go....So Adios!
BAD NEWS: My rheumatologist appointment did not go well. Good part of the bad news? My rheumy doesn't think I have rheumatoid arthritis. That's great, but I am still in tons of pain every day and she isn't doing anything about it. Even if it is only the fibromyalgia that is causing all of the problems, she didn't even adjust any meds or give any advice on how to reduce/stop the pain. It is making me crazy! My body is not some piece of useless material that can be thrown to the side while the doctor waits to mend it. It doesn't work like that. I have to be able to use my body! Ha. I want to be able to do so many things, but I can't if I don't have the strength to do it. OR, if I physically can't because of the pain. I hate that doctors pull you along on this vision that they know what they are talking about, BUT when it comes to diagnosing you, they are completely oblivious to your symptoms of pain and don't know/understand what is causing the pain and how to fix it. And ANYONE who tells me that I don't like this doctor because they didn't diagnose me with something I thought I might have because a doctor told me I might have it is NO friend of mine. That is probably the WORST thing you can tell someone who struggles every day with an invisible disease and experiences the pain that I feel. It is hard enough as it is. Don't make it worse. I pay doctors to help me get better. This one isn't. That means they are not doing their job. Don't tell me that I am just mad because the doctor didn't diagnose me with rheumatoid arthritis. Just...don't make it worse.
On to a better topic...
GOOD NEWS: I AM FULLY REGISTERED FOR FALL 2011 CLASSES!!!!!! I had orientation and registration for my new university that I am transferring my credits to. I breezed through most of the day. I didn't have to take the english or math assessments...which was AWESOME!!! And then I figured out that I definitely have enough loans and financial aid to help with the costs for the upcoming year. Again, awesome. After financial aid, I got to register for classes, which was BY FAR my favorite part. I registered as an English major...but not just a simple English major, rather a SECONDARY ENGLISH EDUCATION major!!!!!! I'm really excited about it. My classes aren't that exciting, but I am back in the music realm too! WHICH IS REALLLLLLLYYYYYY EXCITING!!!
Anyhow, I'm done typing for now. There's the two extremes of my day, and it's not even 4pm yet! Still have a ways to go....So Adios!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Family
It's been a while since I posted, so I figured I would today! First and foremost, happy independence day! Welcome to mid-summer! Hope you all are staying cool and DRY?! It looks like it will be an okay night for fireworks, considering it was pouring all afternoon/evening yesterday!!! So that's exciting! I heard rumor that we were shooting off our own fireworks tonight at Nichole's place. I haven't done that in YEARS, so while I'm not lighting them, I want to make sure to give others a hard time about it. Just kidding!!! (Kind of...lol.)
Since it is July, the Kelly family is gearing up to go OUT OF THE COUNTRY?!?!?! I take them to the airport on Friday afternoon for them to leave for their Baltic Cruise. I am terribly jealous, because I know they are going to have a PHENOMENAL TIME!!!!!!! Plus, I've never been out of the country, nor on a cruise ship, and they get to do both! So, that's really exciting for Nichole and her family. It'll be exciting to hear all of their stories when they return. As they gear up to go cruisin', I am learning all I can about taking care of their pets. They have two dogs (easy!!!), two bunnies (which are ADORABLE), and two birds (which seem easy, but still are a bit scary). Today, I got out the bunnies to love on them a while while Nichole was at work. They are so cute and totally worth the coated clothes!!! Okay, legitimately, my clothes are COVERED in bunny fur. I changed completely afterwards. As I'm getting to know the bunnies and being able to get them out by myself, I'm feeling more comfortable with taking care of them. I don't want their animals to be cooped up in a cage for two weeks, so being able to get them out and back in without any huge obstacles is comforting!!! And while Ashes likes to cuddle, Emily is active and fun to play with. She is slowly growing on me! :) As for the birds, I'm learning. They are seeming easier to handle than what I first imagined. Ruby, the African Grey, doesn't really care for me, but I'm learning tricks for how to deal with her. I learned how to feed Freckles, the cockatiel, last night. He isn't too bad, and while he enjoys flying, he was hurt last week in a flying adventure so in recovering for that, he is not flying much. His wings were clipped. So, while he may not like me very much, at least I don't have to chase him around too much! Haha. The dogs, Bailey and Clyde, are easy to take care of. They like their food wet, which is gross, but whatever?! Lol. They are the most laid back, well-behaved dogs I have EVER encountered!!! They listen to me better than my own dog, Jax, listens to me!!! So, needless to say, I'm learning how to take care of their most precious family additions.
I'm much better today than I was yesterday. I really don't like this new med that I started last week. It makes me extremely tired and groggy. I sleep 10+ hours a night, which I really can't afford to get into the habit of. No issue of insomnia there!!! My body hurts still, but what's new?! I am doing better in the long run, but I still seem to be in more pain than I should be in. After a talk with my best friend last night, I think it would probably be best to try a different course in meds or something! The physical therapy is helping, but outside of the sessions, I'm not doing the greatest at keeping up with it. The exercises are not as simple as they seem and I fear I am doing them wrong when I do them. BUT, it is nice to walk out of a PT session with pain levels as low as 1! Hopefully, my rheumatologist can figure out why my rheumatoid factor is high and why I still have tons of joint pain even though I'm on a medicine used to treat rheumatoid arthritis. I should see some sort of difference two months into the med, right??? Anyway, I think as my life gets put back in order and I catch up on my finances, the lowered stress will be able to lower my pain levels a bit too. Perhaps not to a zero, but at least some.
Okay, I'm getting bored of talking about my health, so on to something else?!
Oh, I was able to visit some family from England yesterday. That was fun! Exhausting, but good! I am still struggling to figure out some things regarding my more immediate family, but that's not for the blogging world to see. Sorry! But, prayers are appreciated as I discern what to do and how to go about doing it! Thanks!
Anything else you want to know, you can always comment or email me! Beyond that, I'm done.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
My Definition
Today, I asked the Facebook world what a best friend was. While I am not always the greatest best friend, I do have pretty high standards for someone to be my best friend. It is more than just being my closest friend. It is more than just liking me and me liking you. A lot of these qualities I say merely because it is part of being a decent person, but are pretty much required in friendship. Anyhow, I'll just get to the definition:
A best friend:
- is someone who knows the real you, which goes far beyond commonalities.
- is someone you can call at any hour and rely on them to be there.
- is someone who cares about you and treats you with respect.
- is someone who is brutally honest, even if it means hurting your feelings.
- loves you for who you are now and nothing more.
- does not judge you, but will tell you when you are in the wrong.
- is compassionate.
- is someone you can look up to.
- cheers you up when no one else can.
- has a shoulder to cry on.
- keeps no secrets from you and can hold all of yours.
- supports you.
- can talk about anything with you and vice versa.
- is someone you trust with your life.
Anyhow, that's my definition. While this definition seems like a perfect person, it is far from it...Mainly because we are human and my best friend has all of these! So that's all.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ketchup
I haven't updated you all in a while, so I thought I'd do a "Ketchup" post. :)
All in all, I've been pretty good. This past weekend, I went down to the beach with my mom, her fiancee, his kid, my sister, my littlest brother Jacob. I had a good time. Wednesday night, after dance class, we headed down to Alabama where we picked up him and his crew. We didn't get in until SUPER late, or early...6am?! Then we snoozed for a lil' while at his place. Then, we packed our bags and hit the road for the beach. This trip was quite the ordeal as it was one of the few times that I was going down to AL, but also going gluten free.
It seems like everything in the south is fried. You've got fried tomatoes, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried ANYTHING?! So, getting food was quite the challenge. The first two places we ate were a major fail. One night my plate had a roll on it. The second night I had fried jalapeno hushpuppies. Then we began to eat at places that were a little more friendly to me. One place had an allergy menu, so I could cross gluten off the list. The manager had to come and take my order and then brought out my food. It was so comforting knowing that they cared about people who couldn't eat gluten. The next place had a gluten free menu, so I just ordered off of it. I know my family isn't used to having someone around with food allergies, and I know my mom isn't a fan of this diet, but I think after this weekend, they are beginning to adjust to it. Even though they were impatient at times, they are beginning to see what I can eat and what I can't, which is a great start! (And I even made a conscious choice to pray before each meal, even if I was doing it alone!!!)
Eating gluten free isn't the only thing my family learned while we were at the beach. They also began to see that I can't do everything. I talk about my health a lot on here because it limits a lot of what I can and can't do. The first night at the beach, I was so worn out from the drive and lack of sleep that I couldn't even manage to get out of bed to go eat dinner. The second night I was able to go out because I paced myself. We also got to go play mini golf, during which I scored 2nd place!!! That was exciting! I wasn't able to spend Saturday on the beach because I had overdone myself the night before, but I was able to sit out with the family and play a game of Yahtzee! Unfortunately, I scored in 2nd place again?! Seemed to be a theme. Sunday, I riled myself out of bed to go to Mass at 8 in the morning! I was told we were to leave the condo at 10am, so I was under the impression that everyone would be pretty much packed and ready to load when I got back. Yeah, apparently not. Everyone was sleeping when I got back. Not so great! SO...I had a bowl of yummy goodness! :-)
Meet Yummy Goodness. This is a creation by Nichole, my best friend. It is vanilla ice cream, covered in strawberries (which have been soaked in sugar), and caramel topping. It is DELICIOUS!!! I eat lots of this because it makes me happy. Lol. I made sure I had this down south too. It is gluten free as all of the parts are gluten free! ;) So, I had a bowl of this for breakfast after I got back from Mass. BTW, Happy Pentecost half a week late! Of course, we got up and out of there eventually, but I was exhausted from it all! After the long 8 hour drive back from his place on Monday morning, Morgan and I had stage rehearsals. Now, she did most of the dancing, but not being home killed me. I also played around with the lights since I'm running lights this weekend and did a lil' dancing of my own for the alumni dance! Around 10:15pm, I finally arrived home. After unpacking, I crawled into bed grateful to have such a comfy bed!!! It was certainly a weekend!!!
Since then, I haven't done much. I got to go see Nichole for a little while yesterday. I was happy to see her, although she wasn't so happy to go back to season ONE on Prison Break when she was at a cliff hanger on season THREE?!?!?! But, she did...until she got her sister's computer to watch her episodes with headphones. Lol. Either way, we got to hang out for a while. OH...We also painted our toes again! I just put glitter on mine this week. It made up for her super cute pink and green toes with flowers!!! ;)
Anyhow, I am in a lot of pain today. I hate how fibromyalgia works...Ya never know when a bad day will come. But, I'll make it through. Really wishing I could find a job...It is driving me crazy! But, who knows?! Someday someone will hire me. Just hope it is sooner rather than later. I'm wondering if I still have ice cream here...if so, Yummy Goodness will be an order. Especially since I had M&Ms for breakfast. Lol. Great diet! I know! Hopefully this was a decent Ketchup! Much love!
All in all, I've been pretty good. This past weekend, I went down to the beach with my mom, her fiancee, his kid, my sister, my littlest brother Jacob. I had a good time. Wednesday night, after dance class, we headed down to Alabama where we picked up him and his crew. We didn't get in until SUPER late, or early...6am?! Then we snoozed for a lil' while at his place. Then, we packed our bags and hit the road for the beach. This trip was quite the ordeal as it was one of the few times that I was going down to AL, but also going gluten free.
It seems like everything in the south is fried. You've got fried tomatoes, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried ANYTHING?! So, getting food was quite the challenge. The first two places we ate were a major fail. One night my plate had a roll on it. The second night I had fried jalapeno hushpuppies. Then we began to eat at places that were a little more friendly to me. One place had an allergy menu, so I could cross gluten off the list. The manager had to come and take my order and then brought out my food. It was so comforting knowing that they cared about people who couldn't eat gluten. The next place had a gluten free menu, so I just ordered off of it. I know my family isn't used to having someone around with food allergies, and I know my mom isn't a fan of this diet, but I think after this weekend, they are beginning to adjust to it. Even though they were impatient at times, they are beginning to see what I can eat and what I can't, which is a great start! (And I even made a conscious choice to pray before each meal, even if I was doing it alone!!!)
Eating gluten free isn't the only thing my family learned while we were at the beach. They also began to see that I can't do everything. I talk about my health a lot on here because it limits a lot of what I can and can't do. The first night at the beach, I was so worn out from the drive and lack of sleep that I couldn't even manage to get out of bed to go eat dinner. The second night I was able to go out because I paced myself. We also got to go play mini golf, during which I scored 2nd place!!! That was exciting! I wasn't able to spend Saturday on the beach because I had overdone myself the night before, but I was able to sit out with the family and play a game of Yahtzee! Unfortunately, I scored in 2nd place again?! Seemed to be a theme. Sunday, I riled myself out of bed to go to Mass at 8 in the morning! I was told we were to leave the condo at 10am, so I was under the impression that everyone would be pretty much packed and ready to load when I got back. Yeah, apparently not. Everyone was sleeping when I got back. Not so great! SO...I had a bowl of yummy goodness! :-)
Meet Yummy Goodness. This is a creation by Nichole, my best friend. It is vanilla ice cream, covered in strawberries (which have been soaked in sugar), and caramel topping. It is DELICIOUS!!! I eat lots of this because it makes me happy. Lol. I made sure I had this down south too. It is gluten free as all of the parts are gluten free! ;) So, I had a bowl of this for breakfast after I got back from Mass. BTW, Happy Pentecost half a week late! Of course, we got up and out of there eventually, but I was exhausted from it all! After the long 8 hour drive back from his place on Monday morning, Morgan and I had stage rehearsals. Now, she did most of the dancing, but not being home killed me. I also played around with the lights since I'm running lights this weekend and did a lil' dancing of my own for the alumni dance! Around 10:15pm, I finally arrived home. After unpacking, I crawled into bed grateful to have such a comfy bed!!! It was certainly a weekend!!!
Since then, I haven't done much. I got to go see Nichole for a little while yesterday. I was happy to see her, although she wasn't so happy to go back to season ONE on Prison Break when she was at a cliff hanger on season THREE?!?!?! But, she did...until she got her sister's computer to watch her episodes with headphones. Lol. Either way, we got to hang out for a while. OH...We also painted our toes again! I just put glitter on mine this week. It made up for her super cute pink and green toes with flowers!!! ;)
Anyhow, I am in a lot of pain today. I hate how fibromyalgia works...Ya never know when a bad day will come. But, I'll make it through. Really wishing I could find a job...It is driving me crazy! But, who knows?! Someday someone will hire me. Just hope it is sooner rather than later. I'm wondering if I still have ice cream here...if so, Yummy Goodness will be an order. Especially since I had M&Ms for breakfast. Lol. Great diet! I know! Hopefully this was a decent Ketchup! Much love!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Journal vs. Blog
Lately, I've been thinking. I've been pondering about what I write on my blog. My dad mentioned something today about what goes out on his blog...not that anything is bad, but that it is heartfelt and could be "interesting" if the wrong eyes saw it. While I don't feel like my blog discusses anything that would be harmful to anyone, I suppose in the future it could be harmful to myself in the job market or whatever just by the choices I made and what is portrayed on the blog. I love being able to write my feelings out...but lately, I've closed off a lot of those. I've gotten so many people asking why I write about what I do and then there's the eyes of my father and grandma looking upon my blog. While I love them dearly and I never direct my writing to their eyes, I still have that audience in the back of my mind. I am in hopes that many more people read my blog and don't follow it because I KNOW that there are people out there who can relate with my story...
SOOOO...In short, you all have gotten fewer and fewer of my feelings and more of what's been going on...this is due in part to my journaling habits. I stopped journaling everyday a while back and recently, in an effort to not pour out my entire heart into a blog post, I picked journaling back up. I love to journal, but it is hard because sometimes I want what I have to say out there...which is where this blog comes in.
Now, I know that this probably doesn't make much sense right now. I blame it on my headache which is getting worse because of the pain to type this (and I thought I was going to be able to write tonight?!). ANYHOW, the blog will still get a lot of my thoughts, etc...but some will be reserved for my journal. And no worries to the best friend. :) You will still get all of my thoughts because I can't keep anything from ya! Trust me!
I'm still an open book, so you can ask me anything and everything in person, by email, or on here. I've yet to reject answering a question. SO...that's the balance between knowing what to blog about and what to journal about. I'm sure my father is happy with this. Lol.
Nighty night!
SOOOO...In short, you all have gotten fewer and fewer of my feelings and more of what's been going on...this is due in part to my journaling habits. I stopped journaling everyday a while back and recently, in an effort to not pour out my entire heart into a blog post, I picked journaling back up. I love to journal, but it is hard because sometimes I want what I have to say out there...which is where this blog comes in.
Now, I know that this probably doesn't make much sense right now. I blame it on my headache which is getting worse because of the pain to type this (and I thought I was going to be able to write tonight?!). ANYHOW, the blog will still get a lot of my thoughts, etc...but some will be reserved for my journal. And no worries to the best friend. :) You will still get all of my thoughts because I can't keep anything from ya! Trust me!
I'm still an open book, so you can ask me anything and everything in person, by email, or on here. I've yet to reject answering a question. SO...that's the balance between knowing what to blog about and what to journal about. I'm sure my father is happy with this. Lol.
Nighty night!
Education and Judgment
As you all should know…For
my birthday, I would LOVE for everyone to donate to the endometriosis
association! Now, I know it seems
pointless to ask for you all to give to an association for a disease that I don’t
have, but my best friend has it and I’ve seen the pain that it has caused her
even though it is an invisible disease to the human eye. And here’s the thing…she isn’t the only one
dealing with it. There are others…a lot
of other women who struggle with it!
Today, I was reading a blog post by a woman named Lena. She spoke to how tired she is and how the
disease has affected her life:
“I am tired of trying to deal with
people who don't understand my diseases and think I should live with this pain.
I have been told to cope with it…How is one suppose to cope when you have
endometriosis. A disease that you wish someone would ripe your insides out even
after they have been taken. A disease that makes you curl up in a ball and cry
because there is nothing else to do because pain meds. aren't working. The
thing that has hurt me the most was the day I was visiting my parents. At first
it was like any other day. Then my father looked at me and said "Are you
getting lazy?"…I AM TIRED OF BEING JUDGED BECAUSE I HAVE THESE DISEASES. I
KNOW THEY ARE INVISIBLE. BUT TO ME THEY ARE VERY REAL. SO PLEASE DON'T JUDGE
ME, TALK TO ME. ASK QUESTIONS AND I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT THEM. THESE DISEASES
ARE REAL!!!!”
She is merely one of
millions! And the one thing that she
wants more than anything is not to be judged.
Rather than judging, she wants education. She wants you to know what is going on with
her body so that you can see her as a real person! There are always good days and bad days, but
endometriosis is a disease that is wide-spread across the globe and few people
actually know about it. That’s where the
endometriosis association comes in. They
educate people everywhere. They are the
ones to provide the funding for research so that we can figure out what causes
this disease and how to treat it.
Perhaps one day, they will be the ones to cure the disease!!! (Wouldn’t that be amazing!!!)
I’m turning twenty this
year…Twenty dollars can give these women hope.
It can bring a smile to their faces.
Even just five dollars would be great!
Please don’t let me down! And
please don’t let these women down!
How to give:
1. Give me a check made out to the endometriosis
association.
2. Give me cash and I’ll
write a check to the endo association.
3. Go online and give at http://www.endometriosisassn.org/donate.html
Be
the one to tell millions of girls that you care about their pain!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Dance Extravaganza
Tonight, I have dance class. Note that I haven't had dance class in.......(counting)........over 4 years!!! Sure, I've done some choreography since then, but nothing like what I may have comin' my way tonight. I'm a bit nervous about it all. One, because I haven't danced in years, I don't wanna make a fool of myself. AND two, my health doesn't seem to want to cooperate today. I'm looking forward to having a good time, especially with the recital, but I am nervous about it all.
I haven't danced all my life. I'm not one of those lil' girls who started way back when they were two years old and stopped dancing when they became a teenager. In fact, I didn't start dancing until I was eleven years old! I was envious of my lil' sister who started in her tiny people's dance class at the age of three. Being the person that I was, I knew her dances inside and out and wanted to be on the stage when all the bigger girls got on the stage. So, when the next dance season started, I pleaded with Mom to sign my name on the sheet! She did.
Thus, my dance extravaganza began. I danced my best the first year and at the end of the year, I signed up for the competition team. I must say that I quickly became one of the best dancers of the studio. (I know, no humbleness in that at all!) I went to competitions and realized I wasn't the best dancer out there...I did get an award at one of the competitions for the best dancer of the year from the studio. :) I even began assisting the owner/teacher in her younger classes. I would be at dance 8 hours a week! (Which is a lot for a small studio!) I loved helping the lil' ones work on their technique while having a great time!!!
In the meantime, I was running cross country and performing excellent works on my flute. I would go to cross country practice for a couple hours, play my flute for a couple hours, go to dance class for 4 hours, go home to do homework, and play my flute for an hour or so before bed. Sleep for a few hours and repeat! Amidst all that stress, my knees, wrists, and hands were declining in functionality. My second year of high school, I stopped being able to make it through a 5k race. It was very disheartening. I still pressed on through my third year of school, but had to drop out because of the severity of the problem my senior year. I began having conflicts between band events and dance competitions. I was winning multiple awards with my music, but I still wanted to do more. I began taking flute lessons from my former high school teacher and LOVED it. I decided that music was where I wanted to put my time and effort. I finished my fifth recital season and didn't sign up for the next one. I was then able to devote HOURS on no end to my music, but I missed dancing. I would run lights and changing rooms at recitals. I would manage lil' girls running around missing a shoe and random props. But...it didn't fill the void...
Dancing gave me a chance to release physical energy. It let me see myself in a beautiful way as I moved my body to the music. Lyrical jazz was my favorite class because it flowed with who I was. It still is my favorite style of dance. I love it! Anyhow, dance did little to damage my self-esteem, although I did envy the girls who hadn't put on the extra pounds like I did in high school. Dance, rather, built up my self-esteem to see the work of art move through my body.
I'm excited for tonight's class. I'm worried that I'll wear out and that my knees will give in and I'll end up on the floor. But, I do want to have a good time. This is something I've wanted to do since I stopped dancing. I've always wanted to be in another recital...To be up on stage, having a good time! It's not about showing how skinny I am (because I'm not skinny), or showing my sexuality.......It's about an art that is fun! I'm all for dancing! Very excited! We shall see how it goes!!! :)
I haven't danced all my life. I'm not one of those lil' girls who started way back when they were two years old and stopped dancing when they became a teenager. In fact, I didn't start dancing until I was eleven years old! I was envious of my lil' sister who started in her tiny people's dance class at the age of three. Being the person that I was, I knew her dances inside and out and wanted to be on the stage when all the bigger girls got on the stage. So, when the next dance season started, I pleaded with Mom to sign my name on the sheet! She did.
Thus, my dance extravaganza began. I danced my best the first year and at the end of the year, I signed up for the competition team. I must say that I quickly became one of the best dancers of the studio. (I know, no humbleness in that at all!) I went to competitions and realized I wasn't the best dancer out there...I did get an award at one of the competitions for the best dancer of the year from the studio. :) I even began assisting the owner/teacher in her younger classes. I would be at dance 8 hours a week! (Which is a lot for a small studio!) I loved helping the lil' ones work on their technique while having a great time!!!
In the meantime, I was running cross country and performing excellent works on my flute. I would go to cross country practice for a couple hours, play my flute for a couple hours, go to dance class for 4 hours, go home to do homework, and play my flute for an hour or so before bed. Sleep for a few hours and repeat! Amidst all that stress, my knees, wrists, and hands were declining in functionality. My second year of high school, I stopped being able to make it through a 5k race. It was very disheartening. I still pressed on through my third year of school, but had to drop out because of the severity of the problem my senior year. I began having conflicts between band events and dance competitions. I was winning multiple awards with my music, but I still wanted to do more. I began taking flute lessons from my former high school teacher and LOVED it. I decided that music was where I wanted to put my time and effort. I finished my fifth recital season and didn't sign up for the next one. I was then able to devote HOURS on no end to my music, but I missed dancing. I would run lights and changing rooms at recitals. I would manage lil' girls running around missing a shoe and random props. But...it didn't fill the void...
Dancing gave me a chance to release physical energy. It let me see myself in a beautiful way as I moved my body to the music. Lyrical jazz was my favorite class because it flowed with who I was. It still is my favorite style of dance. I love it! Anyhow, dance did little to damage my self-esteem, although I did envy the girls who hadn't put on the extra pounds like I did in high school. Dance, rather, built up my self-esteem to see the work of art move through my body.
I'm excited for tonight's class. I'm worried that I'll wear out and that my knees will give in and I'll end up on the floor. But, I do want to have a good time. This is something I've wanted to do since I stopped dancing. I've always wanted to be in another recital...To be up on stage, having a good time! It's not about showing how skinny I am (because I'm not skinny), or showing my sexuality.......It's about an art that is fun! I'm all for dancing! Very excited! We shall see how it goes!!! :)
 |
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Contemplative Thinking
A lot of today, thus far, has been spent in a quiet room thinking about life. I've thought about school, work, Methodism, Catholicism and the religious orders, Africa, friends, etc. More and more, I'm beginning to think that I allow myself to be controlled by others. It isn't in an abusive way or anything like that...It is much more subtle. I allow other people's opinions and thoughts become my reality rather than creating a reality of my own. They say that one's interpretations of the world become one's reality. So, instead of taking in the world for myself, I allow others to create my world view. In a way, this can be a good thing. But when it comes to living my dreams or the dreams of others, that's when it gets messy!
I love the dreams I have for myself. The dream of becoming the best disciple I can be for Jesus Christ!!! The dream of going to Africa and LIVING in Africa amongst the people. The dream of learning all I can and serving all I can! I know these can be pretty abstract dreams, but in reality, they are very simplistic and concrete when broken down...
- I want to go through RCIA and become a Catholic.
- I want to join a class to study Scripture, or start one!
- I want to become an avid prayer warrior...someone that anyone can turn to when in need of prayer!
- I want to crochet a blanket...because I can!
- I want to get my health in order.
- I want to use music to touch people's hearts...to express God in an unspeakable way!
- I want to learn ASL and Swahili!
- I want to teach kids in Africa to know and love Jesus and about the world they live in.
- I want to publish a book...just for fun! :)
- I want to live simply...so no big house or lots of stuff!
- I want to love like Jesus loved and live like Jesus did with no regrets!
I think we make life too small. I know people always say that life is too short. But, we make life small. We don't ever dream! Dreams really can come true. Dreams don't have to be something that we hold in our hearts and never act upon. Sure, there are limits to what is physically possible...like, you may never be able to learn how to fly (unless you're okay with an airplane or parachute). Let's not limit God. Let's dream the impossible because God doesn't seem like the kind of Being that would be okay with just getting through life. Each one of us can be something great because that's what we were meant to be!!! It's how we were created!!!! :-) So.....
DREAM BIG!!!!!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sprinkler Sunday
Today was definitely one of the best days I have had in a LONG time! This morning, I lazily got ready for Mass. Of course, that was after spending a few hours in the ER the night before for a migraine that had been going on for 5 days...talk about torture!!! Well, after giving me ten billion drugs (okay, four), including an amazingly strange one, it was dead! Wahoo! They also wrote me a prescription for fioricet which is a migraine med since my current one is not effective any longer. ANYHOW, after that fun last night, it was nice to wake up with relatively little pain. Fibro was working a bit, but other than that...I slept pretty well and was stiff this morning! I even had a bit of energy for the crazy day ahead.
After Mass, which I loved, of course, we (Nichole and I) went to a baptism for someone at Faith UMC. HOWEVER, the immersion pool was not filled with water. Since water seems to be a big part of baptisms, they rescheduled it for Father's day weekend! Hopefully there will be water this time!!! :)
Next, we went home for a quick lunch (leftover tacos) and headed to Nichole's 3rd and final infusion for her migraine headaches. Of course, not before packing ICE CREAM to take with us! Probably the greatest thing ever!!! We took ice cream topped with strawberries and caramel! Mmmm. It was fantastic!!! Best idea ever!
After the infusion, which seemed to take forever since Nichole fell asleep, we grabbed some paperwork from Nichole's place of employment and filled my fioricet prescription since I had a pre-migraine headache. Blah! BUT, the meds kicked it out of the way pretty quickly! :)
THEN...We went to Becky, Jason, and Jovie's place for a BBQ! Not only was the food great, but also the entertainment of each other. Due to a lil' girl, I got to play in the sprinkler! Now, while I didn't have a swimsuit on, I was pretty much forced to run through it. Haha. I was triple-dog dared to run through it...so I had to. Once I did it the first time, of course I had to do it more than once!!! So, I had to do it again and again. Then I was done and refused. But not long after that was I cutting up brisket for her to eat, playing with Barbies, and reading a story with her. Needless to say, I had an awesome time. Pics are on FB...I'm not loading 'em on here too. Lol. BUT, probably one of the best days I've had. I'm sore and in pain...but I'm glad I didn't let that keep me away from having a good time and laughing with the adults as well as with the lil chillin'! Reminds me how much fun I have with kids and the energy, they not only steal from you, but also give you! I don't think I've stopped smiling since I left their place. I just wish I had that kind of energy all the time! GREAT time. Glad I accepted the invitation! :)
So, I had a great Sprinkler Sunday!!! :)
After Mass, which I loved, of course, we (Nichole and I) went to a baptism for someone at Faith UMC. HOWEVER, the immersion pool was not filled with water. Since water seems to be a big part of baptisms, they rescheduled it for Father's day weekend! Hopefully there will be water this time!!! :)
Next, we went home for a quick lunch (leftover tacos) and headed to Nichole's 3rd and final infusion for her migraine headaches. Of course, not before packing ICE CREAM to take with us! Probably the greatest thing ever!!! We took ice cream topped with strawberries and caramel! Mmmm. It was fantastic!!! Best idea ever!
After the infusion, which seemed to take forever since Nichole fell asleep, we grabbed some paperwork from Nichole's place of employment and filled my fioricet prescription since I had a pre-migraine headache. Blah! BUT, the meds kicked it out of the way pretty quickly! :)
THEN...We went to Becky, Jason, and Jovie's place for a BBQ! Not only was the food great, but also the entertainment of each other. Due to a lil' girl, I got to play in the sprinkler! Now, while I didn't have a swimsuit on, I was pretty much forced to run through it. Haha. I was triple-dog dared to run through it...so I had to. Once I did it the first time, of course I had to do it more than once!!! So, I had to do it again and again. Then I was done and refused. But not long after that was I cutting up brisket for her to eat, playing with Barbies, and reading a story with her. Needless to say, I had an awesome time. Pics are on FB...I'm not loading 'em on here too. Lol. BUT, probably one of the best days I've had. I'm sore and in pain...but I'm glad I didn't let that keep me away from having a good time and laughing with the adults as well as with the lil chillin'! Reminds me how much fun I have with kids and the energy, they not only steal from you, but also give you! I don't think I've stopped smiling since I left their place. I just wish I had that kind of energy all the time! GREAT time. Glad I accepted the invitation! :)
So, I had a great Sprinkler Sunday!!! :)
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Retreat
After giving Nichole a hard time about never closing the door of my bedroom, I must admit that I'm quite tired of hearing the weather reports over and over and over and over.......(*gets up to shut the door*)
Today, there has been quite a bit of bad storm weather in my part of the state! Tornadoes have been showing their ugly rotation everywhere! Communities have been pulling together to make things work out as best as they can. So, when the storm got a lil' too ugly, I packed up my stuff and went down to the basement. It was cool down in the basement, but once I got cuddled into a blanket, I was not far from falling asleep. When I first got settled in, I decided to use the time as a break away from the computer. I chose to pray the rosary for the storm, safety for family and friends, the victims, and how God might choose to work through the storms. I found an incredible peace calm the storm within me. I was reminded that I am not in control, but that God is fully in control. I was reminded that it isn't about the decorations on the walls or the complexity of the shelving in my room, but that it is all about God and His grace to allow me to have a roof over my head. I was reminded that my relationship with God isn't about everyone else, but about me and God. (It seems funny, but it can get that way sometimes.) It's nice to know that I am not in control and that I am not the one who has to make all the decisions. My indecisiveness appreciates that. But, that God is in control even when I feel things are out of control.
This storm was a chance for me to retreat from the world and figure out life, while the rain and wind went on and on today. I was able to focus on what I need to do to perfect myself in order to become more holy like God (Mt. 5:48) and to focus on what I need to do to prepare myself for Africa (Mk 10:21).
Today, there has been quite a bit of bad storm weather in my part of the state! Tornadoes have been showing their ugly rotation everywhere! Communities have been pulling together to make things work out as best as they can. So, when the storm got a lil' too ugly, I packed up my stuff and went down to the basement. It was cool down in the basement, but once I got cuddled into a blanket, I was not far from falling asleep. When I first got settled in, I decided to use the time as a break away from the computer. I chose to pray the rosary for the storm, safety for family and friends, the victims, and how God might choose to work through the storms. I found an incredible peace calm the storm within me. I was reminded that I am not in control, but that God is fully in control. I was reminded that it isn't about the decorations on the walls or the complexity of the shelving in my room, but that it is all about God and His grace to allow me to have a roof over my head. I was reminded that my relationship with God isn't about everyone else, but about me and God. (It seems funny, but it can get that way sometimes.) It's nice to know that I am not in control and that I am not the one who has to make all the decisions. My indecisiveness appreciates that. But, that God is in control even when I feel things are out of control.
This storm was a chance for me to retreat from the world and figure out life, while the rain and wind went on and on today. I was able to focus on what I need to do to perfect myself in order to become more holy like God (Mt. 5:48) and to focus on what I need to do to prepare myself for Africa (Mk 10:21).
Sunday, May 22, 2011
M&Ms....
Recently, I was put on a muscle relaxer. The muscle relaxer does pretty well, but the pill is powdery and has a HORRIBLE taste. It actually makes me sick to my stomach if I take it and do not eat something or drink something to get rid of the taste. Usually, I keep M&Ms around to help with that! They have kind of been my constant companion since my best friend told me that they were gluten-free! :) I also eat them for comfort, which isn't the greatest, but they make me a lil' happier when I'm down in the dump!
There's a lot that I try to do to make me feel better. I think it is interesting how each person, especially those with chronic pain, has those things that help them make it through the day. I must say that my number one comfort is praying, or even just holding, my rosary. I love to clench the cross, even though my hand is all red after doing so. I do like eating them M&Ms. Watching Netflix is top on my list too. Anything that requires little effort but takes the concentration off of the pain helps. Crocheting is fun to do because of how relaxing it is and then there is the enjoyment of finishing a project. I have never made anything for myself other than a couple scarves when I was first starting, so I'm really excited about this blanket I am making! :) Obviously, I like writing blogs to get out emotion and thoughts. I also like to research Africa and different missionary programs or trying to learn the language - Swahili. OR, learning more about Catholic beliefs...but I have to be half-way decently alive for that to happen. :) Right now, I'm watching my best friend play Tap Tap on my iPhone...on the hard level. I am not coordinated enough for that...so I would get very frustrated very easily by doing that.
Anyhow, that's kinda my thoughts on things that try to make me feel better on bad days even with the whole muscle relaxer thing. They help me keep going in this life that isn't so fantastic sometimes. Mmmm...M&Ms! (*reaching for bag of M&Ms regularly kept next to the bed*)
PS...I want a job so I can get a bunny. :) Lol.
A Child's Guidebook
A lot has happened since I last wrote. But...I'll catch everything up as time goes on. Today, my brother, Andrew, graduated from high school. He made me proud. The hours sitting at the kitchen table trying to teach him chemistry and proofreading paper after paper. Trying to back him up when kids at school would make fun of him. He was my lil' brother! And I love him to this day! I'm proud that he proved every teacher wrong that has ever told him that he would never graduate...and every kid that made fun of him for wearing glasses or saying "grill" instead of "girl." Silly lisp. But, none the less, he did it. And I must say that the time away from his big sister's eyes did him well. :) Sitting in the HOTTER THAN HELL gym made it completely worth it.
And now to the "fun" part??? After the graduation, I went and picked up my best friend Nichole from the house. THEN...We went out to the house that I grew up in, Mom's place, for a get-together with the family. Upon approaching the house, I could tell it was causing her anxiety. It had been a strife to get her to even come with me, but she came because she loves me "always and forever." ;) By the time we arrived, she was in an anxiety attack and had to take her xanax (anti-anxiety med) to calm her. This was not a good sign. When we entered the house, my brother made a rude comment that almost made her walk out right then and there!!! RIDICULOUS!!! No one even rebuked it though my mom was sitting right there. NOW, I already know that my mom does not like Nichole whatsoever, but she knew and approved permission for her to come. Furthermore, knowing that she was coming and her gluten-free-ness, mom had NOTHING that my best friend could eat...except watermelon. Of course, she didn't even ask if Nichole wanted anything to eat or drink. She showed absolutely no hospitality and it hurt me to see that. BUT, more than that...this isn't the first time........
I am completely and utterly accepted in every way in Nichole's family. I am accepted for who I am. Even my gluten-free-ness is fine with them. They are willing to cater to my needs and pay for my meals even at rather expensive restaurants. They are willing to do anything to make me feel at home. I can enter their house without knocking and I'm even getting a key soon!!!!!!!! How exciting!!! I am welcome to do just about anything at that house and I'm welcome at family gatherings. Invites are sent to their house hold with the intent that I'll just tag along. It's always a good time and I am never disrespected in any way.........
SOOOOOO....When my best friend is treated like crap by my family, it hurts. It hurts more than you would think. To hear that your best friend won't come to any family gathering or even your dance recital because she doesn't feel welcome with your family??? It sucks. It makes me feel like I've failed. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. It makes me feel like I have the worst family out there because they can't even accept a friend of mine. They can't accept her as part of the family and as a huge part of my life. Sure, we haven't grown up together, but, by golly, I know her well enough that we could have! I just wish that my family would see her and respect her as a human. I know her needs are hard to cater to if you aren't thrilled about doing it, but the least you can do is try to offer something that she can eat or ask beforehand. It makes me crazy that she is essentially out of that part of my life because it causes her so much anxiety. It makes me crazy that my family behaves as it does....especially my mother.
The Methodist Church in town has something on their sign out front that says: "A child's guidebook is a parent's life."
TELL ME how I'm supposed to live my life according to what my parents have done. At least my dad shows hospitality and accepts Nichole as a daughter. Sure, he is still struggling to provide for the gluten-free thing, but he accepts that as what she must do and he doesn't like how much I look up to her and the influence that she has on my life, but you can't tell me that it isn't normal for a father to do. He still loves her as his own. BUT, then I have a parent who shows no hospitality, no respect, no nothing! I have a parent that seems to run after whatever makes her happy without any acknowledgment of who is hurt along the way. It is worse than an animal!!! At least they care for their flock! Anyhow, I feel like my guidebook is contradictory to the Bible and the way that God would have me to live. I don't want to be like the family Nichole encountered today. I want to be like Christ in every way I can. I want to take after my dad's willingness to let another dear friend into the family and his hospitality that far surpasses anything my other family members would do. I feel lost if I follow the guidebook that my parents' lives have written because they are still being written and they are still learning. I'm glad to see Dad following God whole-heartedly, I just wish I would see more of that from Mom and that crew.
I am still really upset that Nichole has been hurt by my family in such an exponential way. I wish I could make up for it in some way, but I know I really can't apologize for them. I wish I could take away the anxiety that is felt towards my family. I wish I could let her see all the good in my family, because deep down, I know it's there. BUT, I can't. The bad seems to outweigh the good in the situation. I can't believe my best friend can't stand to be around my family. I can't believe my family was so disrespectful today and on other occasions. I can't believe the guidebook that has been set for me.............
Nichole - I love you and I appreciate you. I hope you can hang in there with my crazy family. I told ya they would be quite the ride getting into this...lol. Thanks for all you've done and all you will do for me. Thanks for putting up with me in any and all moods. And thanks for being the bestie I always dreamed of having but never had until you. Always and forever.........345!
And now to the "fun" part??? After the graduation, I went and picked up my best friend Nichole from the house. THEN...We went out to the house that I grew up in, Mom's place, for a get-together with the family. Upon approaching the house, I could tell it was causing her anxiety. It had been a strife to get her to even come with me, but she came because she loves me "always and forever." ;) By the time we arrived, she was in an anxiety attack and had to take her xanax (anti-anxiety med) to calm her. This was not a good sign. When we entered the house, my brother made a rude comment that almost made her walk out right then and there!!! RIDICULOUS!!! No one even rebuked it though my mom was sitting right there. NOW, I already know that my mom does not like Nichole whatsoever, but she knew and approved permission for her to come. Furthermore, knowing that she was coming and her gluten-free-ness, mom had NOTHING that my best friend could eat...except watermelon. Of course, she didn't even ask if Nichole wanted anything to eat or drink. She showed absolutely no hospitality and it hurt me to see that. BUT, more than that...this isn't the first time........
I am completely and utterly accepted in every way in Nichole's family. I am accepted for who I am. Even my gluten-free-ness is fine with them. They are willing to cater to my needs and pay for my meals even at rather expensive restaurants. They are willing to do anything to make me feel at home. I can enter their house without knocking and I'm even getting a key soon!!!!!!!! How exciting!!! I am welcome to do just about anything at that house and I'm welcome at family gatherings. Invites are sent to their house hold with the intent that I'll just tag along. It's always a good time and I am never disrespected in any way.........
SOOOOOO....When my best friend is treated like crap by my family, it hurts. It hurts more than you would think. To hear that your best friend won't come to any family gathering or even your dance recital because she doesn't feel welcome with your family??? It sucks. It makes me feel like I've failed. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. It makes me feel like I have the worst family out there because they can't even accept a friend of mine. They can't accept her as part of the family and as a huge part of my life. Sure, we haven't grown up together, but, by golly, I know her well enough that we could have! I just wish that my family would see her and respect her as a human. I know her needs are hard to cater to if you aren't thrilled about doing it, but the least you can do is try to offer something that she can eat or ask beforehand. It makes me crazy that she is essentially out of that part of my life because it causes her so much anxiety. It makes me crazy that my family behaves as it does....especially my mother.
The Methodist Church in town has something on their sign out front that says: "A child's guidebook is a parent's life."
TELL ME how I'm supposed to live my life according to what my parents have done. At least my dad shows hospitality and accepts Nichole as a daughter. Sure, he is still struggling to provide for the gluten-free thing, but he accepts that as what she must do and he doesn't like how much I look up to her and the influence that she has on my life, but you can't tell me that it isn't normal for a father to do. He still loves her as his own. BUT, then I have a parent who shows no hospitality, no respect, no nothing! I have a parent that seems to run after whatever makes her happy without any acknowledgment of who is hurt along the way. It is worse than an animal!!! At least they care for their flock! Anyhow, I feel like my guidebook is contradictory to the Bible and the way that God would have me to live. I don't want to be like the family Nichole encountered today. I want to be like Christ in every way I can. I want to take after my dad's willingness to let another dear friend into the family and his hospitality that far surpasses anything my other family members would do. I feel lost if I follow the guidebook that my parents' lives have written because they are still being written and they are still learning. I'm glad to see Dad following God whole-heartedly, I just wish I would see more of that from Mom and that crew.
I am still really upset that Nichole has been hurt by my family in such an exponential way. I wish I could make up for it in some way, but I know I really can't apologize for them. I wish I could take away the anxiety that is felt towards my family. I wish I could let her see all the good in my family, because deep down, I know it's there. BUT, I can't. The bad seems to outweigh the good in the situation. I can't believe my best friend can't stand to be around my family. I can't believe my family was so disrespectful today and on other occasions. I can't believe the guidebook that has been set for me.............
Nichole - I love you and I appreciate you. I hope you can hang in there with my crazy family. I told ya they would be quite the ride getting into this...lol. Thanks for all you've done and all you will do for me. Thanks for putting up with me in any and all moods. And thanks for being the bestie I always dreamed of having but never had until you. Always and forever.........345!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)