My Wilderness

I know my posts have been down and depressing recently.  I'm sure it looks as though I am giving up.  It seems like I don't want to go on in this day-to-day life of chronic pain.  And to an extent, I'd have to tell you that you are right.  I don't want to be in pain.  The pain is bad enough without the "side effects" of being in chronic pain.  Right now, I'm in what I call my wilderness. 

I call it this for a few reasons.  One of which is that Jesus had a time of testing in the wilderness.  There He ate no food and prepared Himself for the ministry to come.  I knew this time would come for me when I was called to be a pastor.  When I was called, I had experienced very little of life.  I asked God to prepare me for what was to come.  The next day, my Bible study looked at Matthew 4, which speaks of Jesus' time in the wilderness.  I knew, then, that my time would come.  But now, I can see that time in my life. 

A second reason that I call it my wilderness is because of Job's story.  Crap happens to him and he questions God.  He questions why his family and health has been taken from him.  Now, my family isn't gone as in GONE.  However, my family has been torn apart by divorce and continually has trial after trial to go through.  My health has become a huge concern for me lately.  And while I don't have cancer nor anything people can see, the illness is still there.  I struggle with why God made me this way.  Why did He allow this on me and so many other wonderful people in this world?!  I recognize that He is God and we're working through the issues between us, but I feel like I'm in Job's story as he went through his wilderness.

The third reason I call it my wilderness is harder to talk about than the other two reasons.  I think about the places we call a wilderness.  Some are dry while others are excessively wet.  Deserts often pop into our minds.  We see one person meandering their way through a place searching for someone or some help.  They are alone.  I know I have some support in this life.  I know that others are right beside me in this battle against the health issues that have arisen.  BUT...I still feel alone in the battle.  I still feel like I'm searching for who I am, and no one else can do that for me.  I still feel like I am searching for my purpose and some direction in my life. 

I don't know if you can see the "me" in the wilderness.  I don't know if you can help in any way.  But I do ask you to be patient with me.  Be patient as I struggle with these things and question God.  Be patient as I doubt. Be patient as I learn how to deal with what's happening.

Sure...I have only been dealing with this for approximately four months, and with depression for much longer.  But, that means that in the last four months, I have learned to deal with a whole lot of stuff.  I have learned how to deal with doctors and pharmacists.  I have learned how to make appointments when needed and find doctors to help me.  I have learned how to fire a doctor.  I have learned a great deal about pain and living with it.  I've learned how to deal with fatigue and severe depression.  I've learned how to stay active, though in pain, and how to adjust my diet to suit my body.  And I'm still learning.  So please be patient. 

I'm in my wilderness and I'm searching for me in all of life's experiences...