Shocking Existence

Recently, life has changed. On Monday, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I was put on a drug called Cymbalta. I didn't want to start this medicine, but with much persuading from my doctor, I started it. Well, I had a bad reaction to it...AND, I was taken off of it within three days of starting it. I'm not really sure what I have going for me now. I don't know if my doctor will put me on something else for my fibro (short for fibromyalgia) or if he intends to wait to see what the rheumy (abbrev for rheumatologist) wants to do.

On Monday, my lab work came back showing that I have a high rheumatoid factor. This means that I have some sort of rheumatic disease, most likely rheumatoid arthritis. Not going to lie, I'm pretty scared about having RA (abbrev for rheumatoid arthritis). I keep reading statistics like: Fewer than 50% of people with RA are working ten years after their diagnosis. NOW...I realize that there are quite a few things I can do to slow it down, but inevitably, the disease will still progress forward whether I go into remission or not.

With both of these chronic illnesses, it has sent my life into shock. I always tried to imagine what life must be like for people with chronic pain, but I never placed myself in those shoes long enough to test what I would do if placed in such situations. I never imagined how my life would change if diagnosed with a chronic illness. It seemed so unreal until the diagnosis was confirmed. The pain became more real and long-lasting.

Just to confirm, this pain has been going on since mid-November, shortly after my most recent car accident. However, some of the symptoms have been going on for years. It comes in flares. Some days are better than others. Some days, if the weather is nice, stress is low, and not much is required of my body, can be good, and even ALMOST pain-free. Clearly, the weather, stress, and physical exertion beyond limits make the pain worse. Not to mention, the lack of sleep that seems to happen often with all the pain. Don't forget the migraines, vitamin D deficiency, and depression that I deal with too.

Now, I don't want to be "Debby Downer" here, but this is my new reality that I'm learning to adjust to. Today, I decided that I wanted to do a blog post and play keys tonight for church, so I haven't done a lot of texting, nor have I done much homework that requires writing/typing. It is taking time to learn how to prioritize what I want to do and what I MUST do. I understand that I only have so much energy and strength to get through each day. (I've had some really good teachers for how to live with chronic pain and still live as pleasantly as possible.) My heating blanket and Netflix have become my best friends. Although, my internet only works about half the time! Sad face. I'm also trying to figure out living arrangements for next fall since the initial plan fell through with my transferring universities. I know I'll get through it...Just hope that God has something else in mind that I haven't thought of...

I'm doing what I can to make it through. I am reading about my illnesses as well as finding tips from others with the illnesses. I hope to find a common diet that I can stick to in order to help relieve the pain. Not only will the diet help the pain, but I'll also lose weight, which has been a goal of mine. I've already lost 15 pounds in about 5 weeks?!?! I'm learning about medicines that can help with what I have and I'm trying to be patient with my doctor and nurse. I've read about three books in the past two weeks about fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis, digesting any information that can be of help! Hopefully I'll find middle grounds.

Now, contrary to what one might think, my life isn't completely consumed by these illnesses. The last few days, the pain has been on the forefront with the new diagnoses and the intensity of it, BUT...I still love to talk about what's going on outside of my body. I can hardly play my flute for very long (hoping the switch and meds can help), but I love to talk about music. OR God, who is the One who is truly helping me through this. I love to talk about other people and how life is going. I don't even mind listening to other people's health struggles. I'm trying to find new ways to be in service to others, while watching my own health. For example, I'm trying to figure out how I can be of use on a college mission trip, when I KNOW that I'm not going to be able to "work." I wonder what I can do though my strength in my hands is decreasing and my feet, knees, and hips hate me.

These illnesses have impacted my life. But more than that, I'm trying to defeat their control by focusing, not on how much damage they've done, but how much I can STILL do because of them...and some different things that I can do because their presence has made it difficult to do the "usual" things.

I've Been Told...

I've been called crazy. Insane even. A pathological liar. Psychologically ill. I've been told that I can't be trusted. That everything that comes out of my mouth is a lie. I've been told that it's all inside my head. I've been told that if I swim, it would make it better. Doing water aerobics is ideal! I've been told that nothing is wrong. Yet, I've been told that my parents' divorce has just put so much stress on my body that it may be the only reason I'm in pain. I've been told that I'm making it all up. I've been told that because of my sadness, I am in pain. Perhaps if I would try to do everything I once did, it would return to normal. I've been told that if I stop diagnosing myself, then perhaps I would stop giving symptoms to myself. Maybe if I listened, it would work. But perhaps if I listened to everything people tell me, I would still be in the same bucket of pain. I have been told to be my own advocate...so here it goes.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to hear someone tell you that you're crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe my pain is all inside my head. Then, why am I still in pain!? Who would ever want to carry around a load of pain?! At one point in time, I thought I wanted to be sick. I thought it would give me the friendships that I longed for. I thought it would create a sense of understanding. I already had a butt load wrong with me for a 19 year old, why not add a few more?! But, I was called out. I was told that I was crazy. I was told that my all my illness was caused by that lie. It was one lie. A big one. But still, ONE. And I know that I screwed up. I lost one of the most fantastic friends I have ever had because of it. Because I decided to exaggerate the amount of pain I was already in, added with a little bit of dizziness and memory loss, I lost a best friend, and I was INCREDIBLY close to loosing the only other best friend I had. I can now say, that I have one best friend, and a few acquaintances.

Yes, I'm on anti-depressants. An ever-increasing dose. And while my mood is up and my energy levels seem to be rising as my vitamin D levels return to normal, I still hurt. I hurt physically and my mentality of my existence has been repaired. Every joint in my body hurts. My hand shakes as I write this because it doesn't want to move, and yet I'm forcing it to do so. A twinge shoots down from my shoulder to my elbow which follows down to my wrist telling it to quit. Slowly, my hand becomes tingly. And at the most inconvenient time, it will go completely numb.

Later, when I reach to move my laptop off my lap, my knee will crack as I get out of bed. If I'm lucky, it won't give out. The two steps towards my desk isn't hard to make, unless my hand loses strength to hold the laptop and it goes crashing to the floor. I would then have to bend over to pick it up off the floor. The decision would come whether to bend at the knees and hope I can raise myself up, or if I want to stress my back and hope I don't hurt it more than the usual stretch. Then, I will climb up in bed, hoping my wrist doesn't scream as I pull myself up against the pillows. Using my left hand, since my right hand is already too tired from the day's work, I will work to set an alarm for the morning for a time too early with such a little night's sleep. During the night, I will wake up three or four times, after taking an hour to get to sleep. As I wake each time, I will try to clear my mind of the fear of waking up with a headache or not hearing my alarm. When I wake to my alarm, I will take my morning meds and go to classes. Walking among campus as slow as my grandmother goes (or even more slowly). I will have the energy to want to run, but my body will refrain me. The steps down into my first academic building will bring tears to my eyes, but not one will be shed. I will look around nervously, hoping that no one will notice that I'm taking the elevator to the second floor. The 21 stairs to the second floor will seem like forever. Classes will come and go as I will struggle to pay attention though the lack of sufficient sleep will wear on me, and by the time Hebrew class (my first class) is over, my fingers will scream for relief. Instead, I will progress through three more classes as well as a meeting. Why? Because it's the only time I will actually see people that day.

Afterward, I will go home, which will seem like a forever long journey as the shuttle will take forever for me to avoid the 15-20 minute walk across campus that used to average 8 minutes tops! My ankle will send messages to my brain wondering why the pressure being placed on the accelerator is causing pain. Yes, even driving will be difficult. As I turn into my apartment complex, my shoulder will continue to send messages down my arm and down my spine and create a pulsing effect. I will once again, climb into bed and wonder if I did anything worthwhile that day. I might click around on the internet, but nothing extensive. I might crochet, though not for long before my wrists begin to cry out once more. I might do homework, but holding the pencil or book might cause my wrist and hand to begin the curling in procedure. I will wonder if anyone will call or text me. I will scroll up and down my Facebook newsfeed often, curious if anyone will message me, though seeing all of the things I wish I could do, but can't.

I have few friends. The friends I have live far away. Very few live near. None understand. All think they understand.

No one seems to understand where I am at. Hence the reason for writing this note. I've been told many things. Anything and everything from being mentally ill to just stressed. I've been told that I'm too young to have hot flashes or joint pain. I've been told that I shouldn't have tendinitis just because I ran track in eighth grade. I've been told that I should be able to do more as a 19 year old. I've been told that I would get better if I didn't act so old. I've been told that I need drugs to function as a normal human being of 19 years. I've been told that I must go to counseling to figure out what's wrong with me. Nothing is wrong, but everything is wrong.

I'm not making it up, people. I have good days. I have bad days. I have days that create new words like alrightish or fantastilistic. I can assure you that I don't look sick like a "sick" person does. But I can assure you that it isn't all in my head. I can assure you that I don't want to be sick. I don't want to feel this way. Though, I envy the support that others have who have been diagnosed with chronic pain. I hope and pray that I don't have a chronic disease. I can hardly take the pain I am in now...For it to get any worse seems like a nightmare. For it to go on and for me not to be able to do the things I want to do seems like a nightmare.

I just want people to understand. To take me for what I am. No matter how much change I go through. My opinions change day to day. I have no idea what I have. But I've been told nothing is wrong. It is only stress, depression, and a vitamin D deficiency. But perhaps "only" is enough. I want to be a normal teenager while I still can. The months count down. Less than 120-days til I can no longer be a teenager.

I want people who are willing to be a friend, rather than a professional. I want a friend who is willing to believe me at whatever it costs. I want a friend who doesn't push me off on someone else. I want a friend who will walk beside me. One who will hang out with me, even if it means doing nothing but making pancakes and watching a movie. I want a friend who will understand my ups and downs. One who doesn't mind listening to me groan as I hear the weather forecast predicting a change in the weather. I want a friend who realizes that I'm not normal. But I want a friend who doesn't see me as abnormal. I want a friend who sees me as a unique creation of God who is striving to be more like Jesus, yet who screws up sometimes. I want a friend who can laugh off my "old lady-ness" and join in while retaining their own personality.

I've been told many things. Many non-fantastic things. I'm waiting for the good. I hurt. And I hurt in more ways than one. Mentally from depression. Emotionally from lack of friendship/support. And physically from who knows what?! But perhaps, if I listened to what I'm told, then others would listen to me as well.......And perhaps, that would create true understanding.

I've been told...Understanding must go both ways before it is truly understanding.

Characterizing Characters

So, in my short story class last week, we had to write about a character or two in direct characterization. I wasn't really sure what to do, so I kind of went off on a tangent and put them in a different setting. The exercise was to watch someone and write about them as a character. I sat in the student union. The characters sort of evolved from actual people, but each has their own unique twist. Thought blogging world would find it a bit interesting. We shall see if these characters end up in my story. :)

Characterization Exercise

Hunched over like an old woman, she worked the yarn. Her hands moved in a continuous stream never stopping except to pull yarn from her skein. Her dark brown eyes never left her work. Brown bangs fell across the side of her long, pale face. Clearly, she did not belong here. Near her large bag of yarn was a pair of purple high heels. What was she doing here? She was not bleeding and nothing looked broken. And why would anyone wear a sleeveless, short red dress to the Emergency Room. Yet, this was her life.

She wondered if he was staring. His wrist must be in great pain as his long fingers gripped an ice pack covered in blood. His cap nearly hid his black, shaggy hair. His wire-frame glasses did not provide much protection from the sight of a tear sliding down his acne-filled face. She wished everyone could see her pain like that. Then, perhaps, the doctors would take her for more than a drug-seeking addict. Perhaps her pain would finally be seen as real. It was definitely real to her.

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My Journal

I feel the need to update the blogging world again. I'm not sure if any of you actually realize how much of a journal this is for me, but you will certainly see it in my post today. Sorry.

So I'm beginning to wonder if anyone honestly believes what I am going through with my health is more than just "my sadness." It's getting to be more frustrating as the weeks go on. I completely agree that stress and vitamin D deficiencies affect one's body, but I'm just not sure anymore. I'd be more than happy if it is only my vitamin D levels that is causing all the pain, but it seems like 4 weeks into my vitamin therapy that there should be some sort of change. I know that it isn't realistic for a 19 year-old to keep having all these body aches and pains. But, my reaction to that is...WHEN HAVE I EVER ACTUALLY BEEN MY AGE?!?!?! So, I guess we will see. It's just starting to wear me down. I love supporting others, though. It's kind of what I do! :)

Speaking of what I do. :) I'm starting to wonder if I know what I'm supposed to do with my life. I still sort of feel a call to ministry. Like ordained ministry. But more and more often, I wonder if God might have been crazy calling me...or if I just created my own call since I was little. I've always wanted to be a pastor, so I'm not really sure if it's what I want to do, or if God planted that passion, or what?! I really don't know anymore. I am hoping to figure out what is going on regarding schools. I am really considering getting a teaching degree. This would allow me to teach English. I am afraid to stray away from the path that I am on though because I don't want to be in school for forever. I want to move on with my life. Get to go where I am supposed to be going.

As for the friend life...I am not really sure what's going on. I thought I had two best friends. While my two besties really seem like their friendship is going well, mine is failing. It's really hard thinking about losing a friendship that has really been there for me the past three years!!! But, I am really having issues because I am tired of trying to save the friendship if it isn't meant to be. I am done. I am done trying. :(

Ummm....Let's see if I can end on a positive note. Lol. I'm now on the 6th season of Stargate SG-1, my new addiction. I have crocheted almost 2 entire prayer shawls this week and a scarf. AND...I'm really excited about serving on the Chrysalis weekend that is 12 days from now!!!

Alright...that's all I got! Thanks for reading!

OH...My parents divorce was finally finalized after 13 LONG months. Time for the healing to begin!!! Like...for real!!! :)