Access Denied

I know.  Three posts in one day.  And within a few short hours of each other.  Get over it.

I thought about starting a new blog today.  One that I can use as a journal and not have to worry about people seeing it.  I still might.  But, with my previous post taking care of why I write and who I write for, I'm opting to put this out there.  Why?  Because I'm thinking about it.  

It's amazing how lonely you can feel in a crowd of people.  It's amazing how I go to a campus every day with 21,000 people and still feel lonely.  Sure, some of that is my fault.  But I gotta admit that I feel some of it falls on others.  I may not be a music major anymore.  I may not be in band.  I may not be able to go to every meeting that ever existed for the English society.  I may not attend Green Room. But it doesn't mean that I'm not a person.

Ya know, it really ticks me off when people act like your friend and then ditch you when you stop making all the calls or all the texts.  Why do I have to do all the work in the friendship?!  Why do I have to be the one to start a conversation?!  I just get annoyed with people who act like they care about you and then ditch you when you need them the most.  (I only have one friendship that this stuff doesn't apply to...You know who you are.)

Oh...And then there's the thing with...let's call her Ms. Mack.  (No, that's not her last name either...lol.)  Ms. Mack was one of my friends.  But she ditched me.  I screwed up.  Yes, and I lost trust because that's what happens with friends.  BUT...in all honesty, I don't even want to be her friend because of all the hurt that she caused me before I screwed up.  I felt like I was the only one who was striving to save the friendship.  I guess she didn't want it.  I think she just used my mistake as an easy way out of the relationship.  And then is choosing to "take her space" instead of trying to work things out.  Which, I know they aren't going to work out even if she comes around.  I forgive her for what she did to me (even if no one else thinks she did anything wrong).  But I don't want to deal with it again.  I know the kind of person she is.  I know her. But I don't want to be hurt again.  I don't need someone who only half cares and half puts herself into the relationship.  It just hurts.  This whole thing hurts.  Still.  No matter how many times I cast it out to God.  I really don't think of this whole ordeal too often.  Just on bad nights.  And when I feel that void in my life.  As for Ms. Mack's dealings with others...She really is an amazing person.  Why would I be friends with someone who wasn't?!  But, there were mistakes.  And there wasn't perseverance.  So hopefully, one's friendship with Ms. Mack is much better than my own.  :) 

Anyhow, that's my rant for the night.  Hopefully I didn't tick anyone off in the meantime.  I just figured it was on my mind so I would share.  


Tonight is a bad night.  Between the stress of the day and exhaustion, my body hurts.  Really bad.  It doesn't help that I'm thinking of all this mess tonight.  Lol.  Anyhow...Ummmm...Something happy.

Anyone know any jokes???  ;)