The Impossible

Looks like I've waited too long to try to get to sleep.  I still have a lot to do, but because I shower in the mornings, I have to wait to pack quite a bit of my stuff.  SO, it will be an EXTRA early morning.  Most likely, I'll have to be awake and moving by 5:30am at the latest.  However, It seems like an insomnia night.  Great.  Not exactly what I need on a night that is already aging and continues to bring morning more and more quickly!  :-/  I am in hopes that I get to sleep soon.  But, I feel like that may not be the case.  I hurt so badly and I just want to be out of pain.  I lose hope on bad days.  I forget how much energy it takes to wear that mask so that people see you as a human being than as a sick, weak "thing."  I want to feel like I used to.  I want to be able to dance around my room like a crazy teenager and use my hair brush as a microphone!  (Not like I've ever done that before, but it sounds like fun!)  I want to be able to run and play with my lil' sibs.  I want to be able to do the things that I never did but could have.  Sure, I can't go back in time, but I sure would like to live the time I have here on earth like someone normal, rather than whatever "this" life is.  Sucky.  Painful.  Stupid.  Yes, all those words would fit nicely.  I just wish I could cure chronic pain.  I wish the word chronic meant a few hours tops!  And even still, that's highly unlikely.  I wish I didn't have to see women suffer from things like endometriosis and eventually make the decision to get a hysterectomy to try to get out of the pain.  I wish I didn't have to see people who can't get out of the hole, the never ending downward spiral.  I wish I didn't have to see such a thing as pain!  Now that I'm in constant pain, it makes me ever more aware to those who have been dealing with it far longer than I have.  It makes me sad to think that so many people deal with things like this.  I just wish they didn't.  I just wish that we didn't have to deal with the pain and the people who don't understand.  Yeah, at one point in time, I had no idea what chronic pain meant.  I could read all I want about it, and I still said things that I shouldn't have said.  However, now...it hurts in more ways than one.  Ha.  Anyhow, I'll stop my sad story.  But I won't stop wishing for the impossible.  Because it seems impossible that I would have such great sibs and a Grandma who loves me and encourages me no matter what.  And it seemed impossible that my parents would ever get a divorce and that we would live through it.  And here we are.  And it seemed impossible that I would ever get an older sister, but I gotta admit, I got the best one out there...who loves me for me, knows me inside and out, and is the big sister I always wanted!  So, I'll never stop wishing for the impossible.  You never know what you might get!