I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. After being diagnosed with depression, I began to think about the things that I put my time and energy into and started to wonder if I was truly devoting it to the right things.
This week, in my religion class, we talked once again about how religion is defined. I have become quite fond of Paul Tillich's definition. Religion is one's ultimate concern, or what one considers sacred. Religion is what guides one's decisions and actions. Within Tillich's definition, this allows many things to become one's ultimate concern. Sex, money, physical well-being, school, Allah, God can ALL be one's religion. Judaism is only a way to describe a group of people who have God as their ultimate concern, and thus follow a set of guidelines in regards to what they believe. It's like that with every established religion! BUT, if one's ultimate concern is school, then one puts their time and energy into school work and becoming their best at it. It goes further than that though. Within each religion, there is always a goal of some sort. And to get to that goal (whether it is perfection or to get some sort of promise), sometimes sacrifices are made. So going back to school as the ultimate concern...The person works incredibly hard at school, sometimes giving up "fun" activities to study, in order that he/she may graduate and get a good job, etc. So, in essence...ANYTHING can be one's ultimate concern. So you might be asking, what is my ultimate concern?
I asked the same of myself. For a while, I gotta admit that it wasn't what I truly wanted it to be. I want to have this great ultimate concern of Jesus. I want to be like Him. I want to live for Him. I want to immerse myself in all that He says. I want to talk to Him constantly and have an amazing real relationship with Him. I want to love Him. I want to devote my time and energy towards Jesus. But, that's of course what I want. That's not what I've had.
Instead, I've had a crappy relationship with Jesus for the past few months. And my ultimate concern has been the present moment. Finding pleasure in the now as best I can. To an extent, I think that is because I have been in pain, and I just want the pain to go away for a moment so that I can have the life back that I had before. (Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen...But, whatever.) I think this life of just pleasing myself for the now is not in any way fulfilling! And honestly, I think it just caused me to spin further and further into a pit of darkness and isolation.
I'm not going to be able to get out of that pit easily. It doesn't come naturally to me. But, I know that if I can aim all that I do towards my ultimate concern (the good one) then I will be happier. Because of the promises that Jesus holds, because of the mystery in itself, because of what HE did for me, He deserves to be my ultimate concern. If we break down the word religion, it is translated as "connect again." I suppose that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm reconnecting with my God. I'm reconnecting with what makes me "me!" I'm reconnecting with my Creator and my Teacher. My Father. My Bestest Bestie EVER! It's not easy, but it sure is fun!
As humans, we get into this routine. And if this routine is broken, it seems like chaos emerges all too quickly! We like predictability. We like knowing what is next...And honestly, most of us hate waiting to get there. We also dislike chaos. I suppose I could even say that we HATE chaos. But, I'm slowly learning that with Jesus, I HAVE NO FLIPPIN' CLUE WHAT'S NEXT! All I know is that He will be with me the entire time. He will be watching my steps and making sure that no harm can come to me that I cannot get through with Him. For if my God is for me, who can be against me?! (loose paraphrase of Rom 8:39) I know that I am safe in the long run, but for now, I will take risks. Jesus did it! I hope I am able to withstand judgment from others. But, I'm not gonna wait around until my deathbed to think about what I want to do in this life. I've created my list of things I want to do before I die...and I've checked them over to make sure that they can be used to glorify God. He wouldn't put these things in my heart as a passion, unless they were to be used. So, here it goes! (Sorry folks, I'm not sharing the list yet!) I'm gonna get through it. I'm not going to let this distraction that I've had in my way get me down any longer! I've lost much time as it is. But, I'm glad to be back. Back home in my Daddy's arms. It's a wonderful feeling to know that I'm love EVEN THOUGH I've screwed up WAY TOO MANY TIMES!!!
I am loved.
I am found.
Hello! Surprisingly, you've found this blog site OR you are one of the few people who actually read this when you realize that I posted something. So, know that this is merely going to be a rant about life in general (and some specifics) of the past few weeks. Lol.
First, in case you haven't seen me in quite some time, I am no longer covering my head. This is between God and I...So, I really don't know why He has asked me to uncover, but I leave it to Him to tell me if need be. :)
Also, I've been having some health issues...I was truly feeling like I was an old lady. I was achy and didn't feel like doing much of anything (mainly because it hurt to do anything). Had one doctor tell me that it was because of tension caused by my headaches caused by depression. While he is treating me as such, I don't believe him...mainly because nothing has changed. And so I went to a different doctor, who ran blood tests...Determined my Vitamin D level was extremely deficient. I've been on vitamin D supplements for about a week now...It's only gotten a little better, and I think that's only because my dosage of a muscle relaxer has increased. Hoping the second dose of vitamin D (on Tuesday) will help again. Although, the high dose of vitamin D makes me sick after taking it. SO....I don't know. We'll see. Had some drama that came with all the health issues...But, here is not the place for that.... :) As for the migraines...Only had one since I was put on new meds. Lol...Making progress since it's been two weeks!!! :)
Other things to ramble about...Oh...I have two of the most AMAZING people in the entire world who have stuck with me through this craziness. I call them my besties. :) They make my life so much better...Can't imagine doing life without 'em!
I am still working on getting my stuff together to begin the candidacy process to become a pastor...Actually, I'm not working on it. It's pretty stagnate. I haven't done much for the last couple months. Guess it's time to get back on it. Lol.
School is ridiculous right now. EVEN THOUGH it's only been a week. Lol. Guess I'm still trying to get in the hang of being away from my hometown after being home for such a long Christmas break. It doesn't help that I've had a long weekend this weekend, SO I only have classes two days this week. :)
Ummm....I can't think of anything else to rant about right now...so there. That's your update.....
OH WAIT...Haha....So the title is regarding the renewal that I've had the last few days. Five days ago, I went through my Facebook page and deleted a lot of junk that people (who don't really know me, or even those who kinda know me or know me and don't care) don't need to know. So, anything regarding my health was deleted. Determined that FB isn't going to be the place that I vent that. And, I don't know if I will even write it on here. I've decided that it only fuels negative energy for me, and most people really don't care....So, those who do care can talk to me in person! :) But, again...renewal. I'm really bad about rambling today...sorry. God and I have kind of been in a stand-off...like, for the last year or so. Yes, I've done a lot of growing, but it definitely wasn't because I wanted to. It was kind of ridiculous. But a few conversations with a couple friends really caused me to move past all my stubbornness and apathy....so, it's a work in progress. You may actually get updated on that stuff. Lol. Anyhow....I'm done now. Yup.
Adios! :) Thanks for reading! Comment away if you'd like!
PS...I have a random fear of being left alone in random places without a GPS. Now, what does that tell you about today's addiction to technology?!
I know that I usually write pretty upbeat stuff on my blogs. However, this one is not going to be that way...so, don't read it unless you care to hear about the crap in my life.
Today was a difficult day. It started out rough and it will end rough too. I upset at least three people over the course of the day (myself included). The first was one of my best friends. It was over something incredibly stupid. And it resulted in me going to a doctor today, rather than on Thursday (like I'm still scheduled to do so). The doctor evaluated me mostly on what I said was wrong, rather than a physical check. How else are ya gonna check to see what's wrong with someone who complains of being 92 years old and has a headache that's lasted for 4 days?! Anyhow, for the body achy-ness, he gave me a muscle relaxer to take at night. Oh, and that's supposed to help the headache too. Glad I got my other prescription filled that I usually take for migraines. Found out I also have lost 9 pounds in the last 2.5 months or so...unintentionally. The doctor and I also talked about my depression. I don't know if you knew me (honestly, I don't know if anyone even reads this)...I don't know if you knew me before all this depression stuff hit. It's been pretty recent...like, this year. (as in 2010) Now that it's 2011, I figured I should get with the program. But, I used to be the most cheerful girl around. I could get anyone in a good mood and I was one of the best friends to have. I always had the words to say and always an ear to listen. I was able to make the most of every opportunity and able to lead in new and interesting ways. I enjoyed music and I enjoyed life itself! Notice...all of those were used in the past tense form. I'm not saying that I can't do those things anymore...but that it takes much more work and I don't generally enjoy life anymore. It's just something I go through. SO...Long story made short...I miss that life. And I want it back. So, I'm on an anti-depressant now. My first dose is in the morning. It's a minuscule amount right now, but will probably increase before the month is over. I'm not too excited about it. The doctor asked me if I thought depression was a sin. I OBVIOUSLY said no. But, I'm beginning to wonder how much of this depression was brought on by myself and my actions. I know that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. But...It's not like I've done much at all to get me out of my pit of death and doom! Oh, and I'm starting to doubt my ability to be a pastor. Talk about crazy?! I just don't think it's something I want to do anymore. And I'm not convinced that it's what God has called me to do. Though...I wouldn't know since I'm no where close to Him anymore...He just seems sooo distant. Now...I'm SURE that's my fault. Ya know, maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if I were closer to God. If God is supposed to bring me hope and joy, maybe that would kick out any and all depression. Maybe I'd have some sort of passion again. Right now, I think I'd take passion for ANYTHING in life. But, I don't know. I think I'm running myself into a rut now. Yeah, this post probably won't get posted. Anyhow...
I felt incredibly alone today. I hate doctor's appointments. They always make me feel that way. Sit in the waiting room alone. Sit in the doctors room alone. Talk to the doctor alone. Go home alone now knowing what your problem is...or that's the idea. THEN, not only did I have a doctors appt today, but I also saw NO ONE that I knew until I made it home to find dad in the back bedroom. I hardly talked to my besties today. Again, one was mad at me this morning/early afternoon, then she got tied up with my other bestie while they hung out all evening. I love that they hung out...but it was a rough day, and no one was there to talk. It's kinda hard to text and drive illegally at night. (Okay...yeah, this isn't gonna get posted.) And then, i felt incredibly left out. Maybe even jealous. How ridiculous is that?! My besties might actually be getting along and I'm jealous that they are liking each other. Yeah, I'm dumb. Anyhow...I just felt alone and inadequate today...like my body wasn't good enough and I wasn't positive enough for people to even want to be around me...I don't know if I'd even want to be around me. And then no one was able to talk me out of that stuff today. And then this whole depression thing with making me doubt my pastoring stuff. Which leaves me more lost right now than I need to be. And then, coming home...still in pain. with no one to talk to. I just feel sooo screwed up right now.
Hoping I have the spoons tomorrow to do what I need to do. Between playing the flute with a friend (maybe) and then lunch with a bestie and then a mtg to determine if I'm fit enough to be put in the pastoring process (maybe)...I'm gonna need lots of energy. Maybe for one day, I'll be positive and have some sort of direction of where I need to go with my life.
Anyhow...Okay, so besties are the only ones getting to read this, even though I talked about them in it...but whatever.
I am sorry ladies, that I haven't been myself lately. Or, rather...the self I've been, hasn't been nice to be around. I'm still trying to decide what I'm supposed to be doing in this world...so, I hope you're in with me for this ride. If not, whatever.
I'm scared. Stressed. Lonely. Inadequate for anything..whether it be pastoring or just being a friend. And in pain. (Go figure?!) Alright..Gotta take my muscle relaxer so maybe I'll sleep soon. Hope you enjoyed reading the novel. Love ya ladies...and Sorry if the truth behind the post upsets you. It's been a long, crazy day indeed.
POST SCRIPT: So, this is amazingly enough being posted after 4 months of sitting in my drafts folder. It is certainly interesting to look back on and see how far we all have come and how different things are now. So...hope you enjoyed it...lol.
