WHAT?!
Yes, you heard that correctly. My. Mom. MARRIED?! Well, will be. She was engaged to her bf this morning. The proposal wasn't very romantic, I must say. However, apparently Valentine's Day was exquisite.
First off, MY mom is getting married. The mom that I've known for nearly 20 years with the first guy, my dad, is getting married to a different one. I must say that this was not part of my "every girl's dream" picture. In fact, I was hoping it was never made official, though I knew it would happen the day the divorce papers were signed, which was only two months ago. Needless to say, I have had multiple anxiety attacks today. I can feel my heart racing even as I write this. Honestly, I don't know what to think. I don't know how to feel. I suppose the best word that my brother suggested is...intrigued. That's what I am. I am intrigued.
I suppose they should be happy. I guess everyone should have the privilege of achieving happiness in this life. However, I NEVER EVER EVER would have guessed that I would attend my mother's wedding. I was the ONLY one at my table in HS who was able to say that "YES! My parents were still married." And until two months ago, I was able to say that. But, now...I have to say that my parents are divorced. And my mom is going to be remarried.
In a way, it really brings back all the anger that was there before. This really seems to just confirm every suspicion I had of them two. So, it is hard to repress those and just act like everyone is happy and merry! Sure, the guy is fine. It's not like I don't like him or anything. He's a good guy. But, he just didn't come into my life in a good manner. And way too quickly after the divorce was finalized, the question was asked.
Now, I don't want this to become some big blame festival, so I will leave that there. I want my mom to be happy. I really do. But by her being happy, so many hurts have come. And those hurts are just beginning to heal from the last round. And now I feel like salt water is being poured into open wounds.
My mom probably won't live apart from this guy. So, that means that she will get rid of her place in MO. Which means that my two younger sibs will probably move down to AL with her and this guy (her soon to be husband). And that means that so many reasons I was transferring will soon be invalid. It will still be a huge deal to go to a game for my sister or a band concert, or my lil' LIL' bro's christmas programs. I won't get to see them all the time. Sure, weekends are still there...but I won't be there for the little moments in life...the ordinary ones that become extraordinary. I'd like to believe that she will just have his family move up here, but she's too much of a beach bum to do that...Mom loves AL. So, what can I do?! Absolutely nothing. I just have to wait. But in the waiting, it seems like EVERY SINGLE memory that I have is being lost in this beginning of their relationship. It makes it seem like every memory that I have of my Dad and Mom together was just fake and insignificant. But to me, it was my world. It was what I looked up to. I was able to HONOR their marriage. I don't know how I'm supposed to do that with a guy I hardly know and honestly don't care to get close to...I'm sorry, the parental bonds just aren't there. I can respect him as a person and as a business partner to mom. I was even able to respect him as mom's boyfriend. But, now...I just don't know what to think. I feel like their relationship has stolen away my childhood. Everything from my dad and mom and our happy family to my finances (can't be cheap buying gifts for so many sibs and step-sibs), from holidays to the house I helped build!!! It makes me hate to look forward to planning a wedding of my own...having my parents and their husband or wife there...and even the fear of their ex-husbands and ex-wives as most people who divorce are likely to remarry and divorce, etc. Every big event for me or my siblings being awkward because we'll want both parents there but don't want any uproar or awkwardness to be there. We just want it to be normal. I just want to be normal again. I don't mind being the weird one who's parents are still together...but now, that's gone. And it makes me angry that I even feel that way...
And it angers me because no one seems to care about the big kids...it doesn't affect them as much...whatever! It changes our entire world...sometimes even our worldview. And it angers me because, yes...some marriages really don't work out for the best, but further than that...it seems to downplay the sacredness of marriage and the commitment but the covenant that it is. I think I would absolutely HATE God if He treated the marriage of us (the Church) like we sometimes treat marriage. Can you imagine God divorcing the Church? And then, finding something else to fill up His time with? It just doesn't seem right.
I'm not discounting my mother or her choices. I'm just expressing what I see and how I feel. And because it is my blog, I can do that. So, sorry if it makes you feel angry or uncomfortable. Sorry if you don't like how I said something. I don't feel sympathy. I'm in pain. I'm out of options. I'm stressed. I'm anxious. I'm exhausted. And my mother is getting married...I'm trying to be happy for her. I really am. It's not everyday that you get to hear fresh news of how your mom was proposed to, though I really wanna know how my dad proposed to her now. It's not every day that you get to watch your mom "date" like they were 7th graders. But, I'm hurt by all that will happen because of this marriage. I'm not the only one who will feel this pain...Oh, I won't be...
But, I suppose that's what happens when my mom says "yes" to marriage...none the less, re-marriage...
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