Look What the Lord has Done

WOW!  It has been FOREVER since I last wrote.  I have a lot to say and most of it will be boring if ya know me, but if you haven't seen me or heard from me in a while, well, this will catch ya up...and then FB me or something!  I miss my people from MSU and EHS!  Alright, so here we go and I'll see what I can do to keep it from skipping all over the place!

WORK 
I am currently working at a day rehabilitation center for people with disabilities.  I've been there since the VERY end of May 2012 and I LOVE it!  They did all of their own training and I couldn't be happier with my job!  I work with about 10 women (coworkers) even though most of the participants are guys.  I have an awesome time with them whether it is doing crafts, reading books, watching movies, playing games, or even teaching them a lil' something, reading, or writing.  I work with adults who have disabilities BUT they range in age from 18yo to 70-something.  Someday, I'd love to run a center for pediatric disabilities as an after-school/summer program, but I have a long way to go before that can happen!  The only downfall to where I work is that I am the youngest by like 25 years.  Most of the time, it really doesn't matter, but the few short times...it can be real unhandy!  But, I do my job and I always try to go over and above.  I never leave work without knowing that I am making a difference and doing something worthwhile.  Which is an awesome feeling!!!

SCHOOL 
Currently, I'm not in school.  I thought I would go back this fall (2012), but I really decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to do so.  Finances are a complete mess right now.  I'm planning a wedding (more on that later).  I love my job and I'd have to switch jobs if I went back to school because of the field I'm in.  And I don't know, honestly, if I want to go back.  At least, not right now.
The main reason I had decided to quit going was so that I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life and where I was headed.  It was totally something I did out of faith because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy with me coming out of school.  (I also had quit because of my worsening health...more on that later too.)  BUT, now, I have some sense of direction - and it doesn't necessarily involve schooling at the collegiate level.
Like I said before, I love my job and I'd love to open somewhere for kids with disabilities (no matter how severe) to come and learn and just be around other people!  BUT, I've also regained a sense of calling to my life.  A sense of where I'm at ministry wise.  And because of that (which I'm gonna talk about later too), I don't think I will go back unless it is for a Christian ministry degree..OR something in the field I'm currently working in.  Okay...going on since life seems to overlap in more than one category!  LOL!

WEDDING
Yes, I mentioned it earlier, but I am planning a wedding.  A wedding for November 17, 2012!!!  It had initially been planned for August of 2014, however because Nichole's grandma is not doing fantastic with her cancer, we moved it up.  (Prayers requested for her as she is starting her third round of chemotherapy for colon cancer.)  Anyway, we are planning it in about three months when we had initially thought it would be like...2 years from now!!!  It is a bit stressful, although I'm more relaxed about it than Nichole is!  LOL.  We do have someone helping plan the wedding for free though, so that helps!  AND...it will be a smaller and simpler wedding than we had initially imagined it to be.  (Which is great, but many friends and even family on both sides won't be included.)  We are having it in Nov, so clearly it won't be an outside wedding like we had initially planned either...AND, unlike we had planned - we will actually be able to have a pastor wed us!!!  (Thanks to Pastor Lenny! - More on him later.)  Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings to my HS and MSU friends who won't be able to come.  We will only have about 3 months of budgeting to pay for the wedding since neither sides' family will help with the cost of the wedding.  (Mainly because of their beliefs on homosexuality and marriage...which is whatever these days.)  I can't afford our original list of nearly 300 guests so now it is about 50 with only immediate family members and grandparents invited.  Sucks, but we'd rather have her grandma there with us to support us than a big (expensive) wedding.  Hope everyone can understand!

HEALTH & GOD (They go together now.)
So, this is a bit of a testimony because I no longer have pain.  My blood work still shows that there should be pain, but I have no more pain than a "slightly overweight" female should who doesn't exercise.  LOL!
On July 29, 2012, Nichole and I visited Light of Love Fellowship in St. Louis.  We are a gay-affirming church where anyone and everyone is welcome regardless of background, etc.  (Light of Love Fellowship - STL) I was extremely skeptical of the church because it certainly was not a United Methodist Church.  It is labeled as a non-denominational church, but it is connected to the RPI (Reconciling Pentecostals International) church.  The website didn't say much, but going in we knew that they were a church that believed in speaking in tongues and baptism by immersion.  That's about it!

My Pastor Lenny Johnson getting fully ordained.
September 1, 2012 - MSQ 2012

SO, we went.  Worship was unlike any other worship I had experienced in my life.  There were people playing tambourines, shouting, jumping, dancing, clapping, lifting hands, etc!  The songs had a bit of a gospel twang to them, but nothing that I didn't mind! :)  THEN, there was a prayer - dum dum dum duuuuummmm.  (Get a lil' of Beethoven's 5th in there)  In the middle of the prayer, there seemed to be a lil' phrase of "gibberish" that I didn't understand.  I expected to bust up laughing at the strangeness of it all, but it seemed very normal and REAL that it didn't phase me.  At all.  During worship, people were not only shouting but shouting in tongues!!!  It was unfamiliar to me but didn't seem like they were doing anything wrong or anything like that.  The sermon came.  It was long, but good.  It was about cursing the fruitless trees in our life.  Things that get in the way of the Spirit like fear, doubt, our past, etc.  Let me tell ya, I had some junk to get rid of.  And while I've found that we do an altar call at every service (or at least 99%), I felt led to go up (even though it was my first Sunday at this new strange church).  I prayed, people laid hands, I cried, relief spread over me.  It was amazing...
We went back.  August 5, 2012 is a day that I will never forget!  It's my baptism day!  At the morning service, after much contemplation about Holy Spirit Baptism and speaking in tongues, Nichole and I received it!  We spoke in tongues and people prayed hard over us for us to let loose.  I resisted as much as I could because it was the craziest thing hearing jumbled sounds come out of my mouth.  It took a lot of faith to know that those sounds meant something to God.  Here's the link that I studied to learn more about Holy Spirit Baptism...if you don't know about speaking in tongues or if you wanna know more about the blessing and why it is still for today and why anyone can speak in tongues who want to...click on the link!!!  Holy Spirit Baptism Teaching
Anyway, so I was speaking in tongues but I was first paralyzed in fear.  I was scared to do it because it meant I had to give up control.  I was gonna sound a lil' crazy.  BUT, after doing it...I will never regret it.  Alright, so beyond that, after I calmed down and stopped shaking and regained movement/control of my body, I decided I wanted to be baptized in water again because I walked away from God and I wanted that fresh start and to make that declaration about what I believe and Who I believe in!  SO, I was baptized in water at the 6:30pm service.  The water was ice cold!  LOL!  The only thing I remember is that I was in pain going into the water, but coming up from it I had no pain.  About a week later, I began having pain again, but it was minimal.  So little I didn't let it bother me.  In fact, I stopped taking all of my meds.  YES, ALL of them excluding my vitamins and one to help that blood work figure itself out.  That meant I came off of my meds for sleeping, sensitivity, fibromyalgia.  That also meant that I came off of my bipolar mood-stabilizer, my anxiety meds, my anti-depressant, AND ALL of my narcotic pain medications.  I came off of the med controlling migraine prevention and the list goes on and on.  No more taking 22 pills before bedtime as well as in the morning and pain meds throughout the day.  It's amazing!!!!!!!!  I was so relieved!  I hadn't been that pain-free in over a year!!!  And from the mental side of things - I hadn't felt that good in YEARS!!!
Okay, so awesome, I'm now baptized and speaking in tongues.  Great.  BUT - it's more than that.

My Baptism by Water

Being filled with the Holy Spirit, through Holy Spirit Baptism (explained above in that link), has changed my life.  I have a confidence and boldness that I have never had before.  I recognize sin faster and more clearly than ever before.  I feel a special closeness to God that I had only felt on the mountain tops of my spiritual life and even now, I may be closer than ever before.  My prayer life exists and is more real than ever before. I study the Bible and understand it better than before.  I have a fire burning within me that is unlike any other that keeps me going, and while the enemy tries to blow it out now more than ever, he can't do it because he can't get me away from my God!  More than anything else, I feel loved.  I feel loved by God and by my church family.  I haven't felt this loved since I came out and told everyone I was marrying a woman.  Sure, my pastor is gay, but I can tell ya that he totally is in love with God and lives a holy and God-filled life!  So, why can't I be a lesbian and be head-over-heels in love with God?!  More than that, God still loves me.  period.  God hasn't abandoned me.  Others have, but they are people (gotta love 'em), BUT, GOD HASN'T!!!  He is my life now.  I can't wait to get home from work each day so I can spend more time with Him.  Reading His Word sounds more appealing than anything these days.  Addictions and hatred I've held onto for so long are being conquered in the name of Jesus Christ!  I've seen healing in supernatural ways and I've grown in faith more than ever!  The amazing thing is that even though I am back in church and in love with God, speaking in tongues, travailing, praying and studying daily, and worshiping like never before, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!!  I don't know what God has in store.  I don't know if I will be a pastor, evangelist, etc.  I don't know if I'll start or have my own church someday.  I don't know if I will travel the world as a missionary or if I will be called to go 1,491 miles like Abraham to another place!  BUT, what I do know is that the second I can stop taking my medications and the second I start feeling loved and like I have a purpose is the second that my life changed and I learned how to be REAL!

ANYWAY, that's about all I have for ya.  Needless to say, life is so much better than it's been.  Control has been given to God.  Forgiveness is reigning.  And the enemy hates...HATES all of this!  BUT, ha!  I'm roaring from the lion of the tribe of Judah!!!  And my ROAR will be loud!  LOOK WHAT MY LORD HAS DONE!!!!

Millions of Miles

In one day, the Earth travels approximately 1.598 million miles from its initial position. Since I last wrote, we have traveled quite far.  It's been about a month so I will separate the updates into sections like I did the last post.

Health
Nothing has really changed here.  I've been on this patch for a while now.  I like it, but I still have to take my pain meds every once in a while to help the pain.  Right now, I'm in the middle of a lupus flare.  I know this by a few reasons......1) My face is vividly showing the lupus butterfly rash and the rash is seen on other parts of my body.  2) I am in pain.  Duh!  My joints hurt.  My hips and lower back are killing me as well as my hands and toes!  Believe it or not, my lil' toe does hurt!  Haha.  3) I feel like I have the flu.  Every day.  It really is horrendous.  I wish I could get rid of this part because it makes my fatigue worse and my body is nauseous, etc. I can only hope that this flare will end soon and I will be feeling much better soon!

School
I have decided that I will not be returning to school in Spring of 2012.  This is due to getting my health in order as well as a few personal reasons that are not going to be shared on the world wide web.  I am terribly excited to have this break although I will miss the learning that happens with school.  I need to refocus myself on what I want to do and who I want to be in this life before I return to get degrees and certifications.  After losing Jalen, who was my constant lil' reminder of who I need to be, I lost my way.  A lot of prep work didn't get done in order to switch schools for the Spring so I'm concerned it would be useless to try and attend school without that work being done.  I am not concerned that I will get too busy to return to school.  I am pretty set on going back to school.  I know who I am and so I will....WILL return to school in the Fall.

Family
Considering Christmas just passed and the new year is approaching, family is doing well.  I got to see some of my family this year.  Work prohibited me from seeing my family on Christmas Eve with the exception of seeing Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Davine late in the night!  And I've worked all of this week except for yesterday, which I spent with my Dad and lil' sibs!  :)  Oh, and I'll work the rest of this week too!  So, work is going well, I suppose.  I just hate that all the managers are guys, so no one gets it and my coworkers don't understand me whatsoever.  But, I suppose that's how it goes.
Anyway, family.  So, I had my first Christmas with Nichole.  I loved it.  She is such an amazing woman that I couldn't help but overspend for her.  PLUS, I got some amazing things from her.  She bought us a comforter/sheet set.  It is by far the most comfortable comforter EVER!  Oh, and we have an awesome family game called SCRABBLE!!! :)  We've had a lot of fun playing many times.  It's been hard finding time with each other since she started working nights.  I honestly hate that our schedules do not go together at all!  It makes me crazy when I get home and she is leaving for the night.  But, I suppose that is how it goes.  We do get some time to ourselves, but I wish it were at normal hours of the day when we didn't have 15 billion other things to do and take care of.  BUT...Christmas was phenomenal.  We got to spend it with both of our families over the 3 day Christmas celebration.  :)

Well....I think that's about all I need to update you all on.  OH...We did move at the end of November.  So we are closer to everything.  But we are millions of miles away from yesterday and even further from where we were at the beginning of our relationship.  We are stronger than ever in each other and in our love.  We take each day at a time and if there is one thing we never do we never take love for granted.  "I love you" are the most powerful words of our day.  And they are said often!  :)

Have a great day!!!

Oh....and I love you, Nichole!!! :)

Back to Normal???

I had to really contemplate about what I wanted to title this blog.  Honestly, things in my life are not back to normal.  After the craziness off the last blog post (Aka Life Lived), there have been quite a few changes in my life and in the world around me.  I'll try to separate it out into categories, but they really seem to mix together as the story of my life comes into focus............

Health
I really haven't made much progress in my health realm.  I have been put on pain medication and that has helped bring the pain levels down when they are bad.  I am also trying this patch that feeds medicine into me every hour or so.  It helped a little bit the first week, but then I had to start taking my pain meds again because I felt I was back to the normal pain levels - high.  Yesterday I started to get the first migraine that I have had since I started my new migraine preventative called topamax.  It has stayed under a 5 on the pain scale so it hasn't gotten bad yet.  I am hoping it stays that way and goes away soon!  My eyes hurt from the light sensitivity!!!  Regardless, I will still work on the computer, text on my phone, and go to classes, etc.

School
This is becoming a pain.  Some of my professors are not so accommodating to excuse my absences and accept my homework that is coming in late to her.  I am somewhat annoyed by this particular professor's actions and words.  They really strike someone with chronic pain right in the heart.  I've missed 9 out of her 43 class periods.  She allows 5 excused absences without grades being knocked down.  And she pretty much told me that I can't miss any more class periods.  She wants to know why I am missing test days and quizzes....I told her I can't predict when my health is going to keep me in bed.  Regardless, she still wants to know why I am not in class and why I've missed 25% of her class.  (There goes my participation grade)  I just don't think I can handle her any longer.  From now on, I'm pushing myself beyond anything and even if I don't think I can do it...by golly, I'm going to that damn class!!!  She wants me there that badly, I suppose.  There's a reason I went through the trouble of going to the disability office.
ALSO...I'm considering whether or not I should register for classes at the community college in the Spring.  I need to meet with a representative to talk about nursing school, which is extremely exciting to me.  However, I have people like my father or others who have told me that I should consider taking time off to figure out what I want to do before I spend all the money in loans, etc, to go to school.  Also, I have realized that I don't think I can get scholarships through the community college.  Especially because I am not pursuing further education after the community college, yet.  I really just want to be done with school and everything that is going on but it never seems to end.  That's why I think there is part of me that wants to be done and just wants to take a break.  But, I am afraid that I will never go back once I stop.  Especially because, I will get a full-time job and I will be working.  I doubt I will want to go back to school.  I have really thought about it and I wonder what it would be like to not be in school.  Honestly, I've never really had that before.  Even summers were preparation for the next school year.  Regardless, I will probably register for a science class or two...probably three to make sure I'm full-time.  Then I'll take it from there.  Maybe my schedule will allow me to work a normal-ish job in the day and take classes on set days or in the evenings.  Who knows?!

Family
Nichole is back to work after Mr. Jalen left for Heaven.  She is doing multiple cases but her goal is to work a night case full-time from 7pm to 7am.  I was against it at first because I LOVE our evenings together, it's my favorite time of the day.  However, it is what Nichole wants, and I want her to be happy (plus, there's other reasons that I can't list here because I just can't.  Sorry.)  Nichole and I are phenomenal together.  We have fights just like any other couple, but we make up...like some couples.  We love each other with all that we have and we share openly with each other all that we have.  I know that we are both stressed out of our minds though right now.  Between finances, moving, and various issues, we are nuts.
WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
We move in on November 30th.  It is only a studio apartment, so it is small, but not too small.  We have mostly figured out where everything is going, but we have a LOT of stuff that isn't going to fit, so we are making other arrangements for those.  SO MUCH PACKING TO DO!!!!  I am excited to be moving again and especially in with Nichole!  And the bunnies will be free-roaming bunnies!  AND...we will be closer to schools and work! :)  OH...Speaking of work.....

Work
I'm back to work!  And I have two new managers....both are guys.  One is really weird and the other is cool. I am gonna go insane with all the new people.  But hey, I guess that's the ups of being good at my job and helping out the ones who are just starting.  ;)  I am only working weekends to keep the stress down and at the lovely request of my fiance.  So yep.

I think that is all I have for you.  Lots of changes.  I am really kinda crazy about everything going on.  I'm behind in just about everything you can imagine.  But hey......At least things are kinda back to normal????

Shift in the Wind

I know I have been an absolutely horrible blogger as of late.  And I know I probably say that every time.  BUT SERIOUSLY!!!  I mean it.  So, needless to say, I have a lot to mention....

I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!!  I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE).  I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it.  I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it.  At least I have answers when some people don't even have those!  Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect.  I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable.  I feel like I have the flu, only not really.  It feels worse.  And it feels worse every day.  I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day.  There are worse days, but never better days.  So, my normal day becomes a good day.  That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there.  I couldn't sleep last night.  I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable).  I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!!  SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......

A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good.  She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well.  The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk.  My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome.  Other than that, things with the family are pretty good.  Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack.  And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies).  They made the move quick and easy.  ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!!  ;)

SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life.  I want to be a school nurse.  Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know.  The average college student changes their major 5 times.  I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time.  BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again.  Why?

I love kids.

I love helping people.

I love educating people.

Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher.  So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me.  I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth.  (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.)  I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel.  But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything.  I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though.  And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help.  And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health.  Perhaps I'm crazy.

I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing.  A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people.  I want to help people in this way.  And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead.  I am good at the sciences anyway.  They come easily to me.  I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school.  LOL!!!

While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that.  I think.  I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.

It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups.  Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level.  And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind.  Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.

Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........

GREAT Read

This is by FAR the best letter ever written.  I would never have this letter written to me, but...I think it is pretty darn hilarious.  Take it as a joke...but seriously, it's great!!!  I did not write it, so I have no credibility in this piece of art.  It was shared to me through a group that I am in on Facebook.  Regardless, please enjoy the great read below entitled:


"Advice from an ER Doctor to a Drug Seeker"

OK, I am not going to lecture you about the dangers of narcotic pain medicines. We both know how addictive they are: you because you know how it feels when you don't have your vicodin, me because I've seen many many many people just like you. However, there are a few things I can tell you that would make us both much happier. By following a few simple rules our little clinical transaction can go more smoothly and we'll both be happier because you get out of the ER quicker.

The first rule is be nice to the nurses. They are underpaid, overworked, and have a lot more influence over your stay in the ER than you think. When you are tempted to treat them like shit because they are not the ones who write the rx, remember: I might write for you to get a shot of 2mg of dilaudid, but your behavior toward the nurses determines what percent of that dilaudid is squirted onto the floor before you get your shot.

The second rule is pick a simple, non-dangerous, (non-verifiable) painful condition which doesn't require me to do a four thousand dollar work-up in order to get you out of the ER. If you tell me that you headache started suddenly and is the 'worst headache of your life' you will either end up with a spinal tap or signing out against medical advice without an rx for pain medicine. The parts of the story that you think make you sound pitiful and worthy of extra narcotics make me worry that you have a bleeding aneurysm. And while I am 99% sure its not, I'm not willing to lay my license and my families future on the line for your ass. I also don't want to miss the poor bastard who really has a bleed, so everyone with that history gets a needle in the back. Just stick to a history of your 'typical pain that is totally the same as I usually get' and we will both be much happier.

The third rule (related to #2) is never rate your pain a 10/10. 10/10 means the worst pain you could possibly imagine. I've seen people in a 10/10 pain and you sitting there playing tetris on your cell phone are not in 10/10 pain. 10/10 pain is an open fracture dangling in the wind, a 50% body surface deep partial thickness burn, or the pain of a real cerebral aneurysm. Even when I passed a kidney stone, the worst pain I had was probably a 7. And that was when I was projectile vomiting and crying for my mother. So stick with a nice 7 or even an 8. That means to me you are hurting by you might not be lying. (See below.)

The fourth rule is never ever ever lie to me about who you are or your history. If you come to the ER and give us a fake name so we can't get your old records I will assume you are a worse douchetard than you really are. More importantly though it will really really piss me the fuck off. Pissing off the guy who writes the rx you want does not work to your advantage.

The fifth rule is don't assume I am an idiot. I went to medical school. That is certainly no guarantee that I am a rocket scientist I know (hell, I went to school with a few people who were a couple of french fries short of a happy meal.) However, I also got an ER residency spot which means I was in the top quarter or so of my class. This means it is a fair guess I am a reasonably smart guy. So if I read your triage note and 1) you list allergies to every non-narcotic pain medicine ever made, 2) you have a history of migraines, fibromyalgia, and lumbar disk disease, and 3) your doctor is on vacation, only has clinic on alternate Tuesdays, or is dead, I am smart enough to read that as: you are scamming for some vicodin. That in and of itself won't necessarily mean you don't get any pain medicine. Hell, the fucktards who list and allergy to tylenol but who can take vicodin (which contains tylenol) are at least good for a few laughs at the nurses station. However, if you give that history everyone in the ER from me to the guy who mops the floor will know you are a lying douchetard who is scamming for vicodin. (See rule # 4 about lying.)

The sixth and final rule is wait your fucking turn. If the nurse triages you to the waiting room but brings patients who arrived after you back to be treated first, that is because this is an EMERGENCY room and they are sicker than you are. You getting a fix of vicodin is not more important than the 6 year old with a severe asthma attack. Telling the nurse at triage that now your migraine is giving you chest pain since you have been sitting a half hour in the waiting area to try to force her into taking you back sooner is a recipe for making all of us hate you. Even if you end up coming back immediately, I will make it my mission that night to torment you. You will not get the pain medicine you want under any circumstances. And I firmly believe that if you manipulate your way to the back and make a 19 year old young woman with an ectopic pregnancy that might kill her in a few hours wait even a moment longer to be seen, I should be able to piss in a glass and make you drink it before you leave the ER.

So if you keep these few simple rules in mind, our interaction will go much more smoothly. I don't really give a shit if I give 20 vicodins to a drug-seeker. Before I was burnt out in the ER I was a hippy and I would honestly rather give that to ten of you guys than make one person in real pain (unrelated to withdrawal) suffer. However, if you insist on waving a flourescent orange flag that says 'I am a drug seeker' and pissing me and the nurses off with your behavior, I am less likely to give you that rx. You don't want that. I don't want that. So lets keep this simple, easy, and we'll all be much happier.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood ER doctor

Two Extremes

Let's see, good news or bad news first.......

BAD NEWS:  My rheumatologist appointment did not go well.  Good part of the bad news?  My rheumy doesn't think I have rheumatoid arthritis.  That's great, but I am still in tons of pain every day and she isn't doing anything about it.  Even if it is only the fibromyalgia that is causing all of the problems, she didn't even adjust any meds or give any advice on how to reduce/stop the pain.  It is making me crazy! My body is not some piece of useless material that can be thrown to the side while the doctor waits to mend it.  It doesn't work like that.  I have to be able to use my body!  Ha.  I want to be able to do so many things, but I can't if I don't have the strength to do it.  OR, if I physically can't because of the pain.  I hate that doctors pull you along on this vision that they know what they are talking about, BUT when it comes to diagnosing you, they are completely oblivious to your symptoms of pain and don't know/understand what is causing the pain and how to fix it.  And ANYONE who tells me that I don't like this doctor because they didn't diagnose me with something I thought I might have because a doctor told me I might have it is NO friend of mine.  That is probably the WORST thing you can tell someone who struggles every day with an invisible disease and experiences the pain that I feel.  It is hard enough as it is.  Don't make it worse.  I pay doctors to help me get better.  This one isn't.  That means they are not doing their job.  Don't tell me that I am just mad because the doctor didn't diagnose me with rheumatoid arthritis.  Just...don't make it worse.

On to a better topic...

GOOD NEWS:  I AM FULLY REGISTERED FOR FALL 2011 CLASSES!!!!!!  I had orientation and registration for my new university that I am transferring my credits to.  I breezed through most of the day.  I didn't have to take the english or math assessments...which was AWESOME!!!  And then I figured out that I definitely have enough loans and financial aid to help with the costs for the upcoming year.  Again, awesome.  After financial aid, I got to register for classes, which was BY FAR my favorite part.  I registered as an English major...but not just a simple English major, rather a SECONDARY ENGLISH EDUCATION major!!!!!!  I'm really excited about it.  My classes aren't that exciting, but I am back in the music realm too!  WHICH IS REALLLLLLLYYYYYY EXCITING!!!

Anyhow, I'm done typing for now.  There's the two extremes of my day, and it's not even 4pm yet!  Still have a ways to go....So Adios!

Family

It's been a while since I posted, so I figured I would today!  First and foremost, happy independence day!  Welcome to mid-summer!  Hope you all are staying cool and DRY?!  It looks like it will be an okay night for fireworks, considering it was pouring all afternoon/evening yesterday!!!  So that's exciting!  I heard rumor that we were shooting off our own fireworks tonight at Nichole's place.  I haven't done that in YEARS, so while I'm not lighting them, I want to make sure to give others a hard time about it.  Just kidding!!!  (Kind of...lol.)

Since it is July, the Kelly family is gearing up to go OUT OF THE COUNTRY?!?!?!  I take them to the airport on Friday afternoon for them to leave for their Baltic Cruise.  I am terribly jealous, because I know they are going to have a PHENOMENAL TIME!!!!!!!  Plus, I've never been out of the country, nor on a cruise ship, and they get to do both!  So, that's really exciting for Nichole and her family.  It'll be exciting to hear all of their stories when they return.  As they gear up to go cruisin', I am learning all I can about taking care of their pets.  They have two dogs (easy!!!), two bunnies (which are ADORABLE), and two birds (which seem easy, but still are a bit scary).  Today, I got out the bunnies to love on them a while while Nichole was at work.  They are so cute and totally worth the coated clothes!!!  Okay, legitimately, my clothes are COVERED in bunny fur.  I changed completely afterwards.  As I'm getting to know the bunnies and being able to get them out by myself, I'm feeling more comfortable with taking care of them.  I don't want their animals to be cooped up in a cage for two weeks, so being able to get them out and back in without any huge obstacles is comforting!!!  And while Ashes likes to cuddle, Emily is active and fun to play with.  She is slowly growing on me!  :)  As for the birds, I'm learning.  They are seeming easier to handle than what I first imagined.  Ruby, the African Grey, doesn't really care for me, but I'm learning tricks for how to deal with her. I learned how to feed Freckles, the cockatiel, last night.  He isn't too bad, and while he enjoys flying, he was hurt last week in a flying adventure so in recovering for that, he is not flying much.  His wings were clipped.  So, while he may not like me very much, at least I don't have to chase him around too much! Haha.  The dogs, Bailey and Clyde, are easy to take care of.  They like their food wet, which is gross, but whatever?!  Lol.  They are the most laid back, well-behaved dogs I have EVER encountered!!!  They listen to me better than my own dog, Jax, listens to me!!!  So, needless to say, I'm learning how to take care of their most precious family additions.  

I'm much better today than I was yesterday.  I really don't like this new med that I started last week.  It makes me extremely tired and groggy.  I sleep 10+ hours a night, which I really can't afford to get into the habit of.  No issue of insomnia there!!!  My body hurts still, but what's new?!  I am doing better in the long run, but I still seem to be in more pain than I should be in.  After a talk with my best friend last night, I think it would probably be best to try a different course in meds or something!  The physical therapy is helping, but outside of the sessions, I'm not doing the greatest at keeping up with it.  The exercises are not as simple as they seem and I fear I am doing them wrong when I do them.  BUT, it is nice to walk out of a PT session with pain levels as low as 1!  Hopefully, my rheumatologist can figure out why my rheumatoid factor is high and why I still have tons of joint pain even though I'm on a medicine used to treat rheumatoid arthritis.  I should see some sort of difference two months into the med, right???  Anyway, I think as my life gets put back in order and I catch up on my finances, the lowered stress will be able to lower my pain levels a bit too.  Perhaps not to a zero, but at least some.  

Okay, I'm getting bored of talking about my health, so on to something else?!

Oh, I was able to visit some family from England yesterday.  That was fun!  Exhausting, but good!  I am still struggling to figure out some things regarding my more immediate family, but that's not for the blogging world to see.  Sorry!  But, prayers are appreciated as I discern what to do and how to go about doing it!  Thanks!

Anything else you want to know, you can always comment or email me!  Beyond that, I'm done.  

Ketchup

I haven't updated you all in a while, so I thought I'd do a "Ketchup" post.  :)

All in all, I've been pretty good.  This past weekend, I went down to the beach with my mom, her fiancee, his kid, my sister, my littlest brother Jacob.  I had a good time.  Wednesday night, after dance class, we headed down to Alabama where we picked up him and his crew.  We didn't get in until SUPER late, or early...6am?!  Then we snoozed for a lil' while at his place.  Then, we packed our bags and hit the road for the beach.  This trip was quite the ordeal as it was one of the few times that I was going down to AL, but also going gluten free.

It seems like everything in the south is fried.  You've got fried tomatoes, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried ANYTHING?!  So, getting food was quite the challenge.  The first two places we ate were a major fail.  One night my plate had a roll on it.  The second night I had fried jalapeno hushpuppies.  Then we began to eat at places that were a little more friendly to me.  One place had an allergy menu, so I could cross gluten off the list.  The manager had to come and take my order and then brought out my food.  It was so comforting knowing that they cared about people who couldn't eat gluten.  The next place had a gluten free menu, so I just ordered off of it.  I know my family isn't used to having someone around with food allergies, and I know my mom isn't a fan of this diet, but I think after this weekend, they are beginning to adjust to it.  Even though they were impatient at times, they are beginning to see what I can eat and what I can't, which is a great start!  (And I even made a conscious choice to pray before each meal, even if I was doing it alone!!!)

Eating gluten free isn't the only thing my family learned while we were at the beach.  They also began to see that I can't do everything.  I talk about my health a lot on here because it limits a lot of what I can and can't do.  The first night at the beach, I was so worn out from the drive and lack of sleep that I couldn't even manage to get out of bed to go eat dinner.  The second night I was able to go out because I paced myself.  We also got to go play mini golf, during which I scored 2nd place!!!  That was exciting!  I wasn't able to spend Saturday on the beach because I had overdone myself the night before, but I was able to sit out with the family and play a game of Yahtzee!  Unfortunately, I scored in 2nd place again?!  Seemed to be a theme.  Sunday, I riled myself out of bed to go to Mass at 8 in the morning!  I was told we were to leave the condo at 10am, so I was under the impression that everyone would be pretty much packed and ready to load when I got back.  Yeah, apparently not.  Everyone was sleeping when I got back.  Not so great!  SO...I had a bowl of yummy goodness!  :-)

Meet Yummy Goodness.  This is a creation by Nichole, my best friend.  It is vanilla ice cream, covered in strawberries (which have been soaked in sugar), and caramel topping.  It is DELICIOUS!!!  I eat lots of this because it makes me happy.  Lol.  I made sure I had this down south too.  It is gluten free as all of the parts are gluten free! ;)  So, I had a bowl of this for breakfast after I got back from Mass.  BTW, Happy Pentecost half a week late!  Of course, we got up and out of there eventually, but I was exhausted from it all!  After the long 8 hour drive back from his place on Monday morning, Morgan and I had stage rehearsals.  Now, she did most of the dancing, but not being home killed me.  I also played around with the lights since I'm running lights this weekend and did a lil' dancing of my own for the alumni dance!  Around 10:15pm, I finally arrived home.  After unpacking, I crawled into bed grateful to have such a comfy bed!!!  It was certainly a weekend!!!

Since then, I haven't done much.  I got to go see Nichole for a little while yesterday.  I was happy to see her, although she wasn't so happy to go back to season ONE on Prison Break when she was at a cliff hanger on season THREE?!?!?!  But, she did...until she got her sister's computer to watch her episodes with headphones.  Lol.  Either way, we got to hang out for a while.  OH...We also painted our toes again!  I just put glitter on mine this week.  It made up for her super cute pink and green toes with flowers!!!  ;)

Anyhow, I am in a lot of pain today.  I hate how fibromyalgia works...Ya never know when a bad day will come.  But, I'll make it through.  Really wishing I could find a job...It is driving me crazy!  But, who knows?!  Someday someone will hire me.  Just hope it is sooner rather than later.  I'm wondering if I still have ice cream here...if so, Yummy Goodness will be an order.  Especially since I had M&Ms for breakfast.  Lol.  Great diet!  I know!  Hopefully this was a decent Ketchup!  Much love!

Journal vs. Blog

Lately, I've been thinking.  I've been pondering about what I write on my blog.  My dad mentioned something today about what goes out on his blog...not that anything is bad, but that it is heartfelt and could be "interesting" if the wrong eyes saw it.  While I don't feel like my blog discusses anything that would be harmful to anyone, I suppose in the future it could be harmful to myself in the job market or whatever just by the choices I made and what is portrayed on the blog.  I love being able to write my feelings out...but lately, I've closed off a lot of those.  I've gotten so many people asking why I write about what I do and then there's the eyes of my father and grandma looking upon my blog.  While I love them dearly and I never direct my writing to their eyes, I still have that audience in the back of my mind.  I am in hopes that many more people read my blog and don't follow it because I KNOW that there are people out there who can relate with my story...

SOOOO...In short, you all have gotten fewer and fewer of my feelings and more of what's been going on...this is due in part to my journaling habits.  I stopped journaling everyday a while back and recently, in an effort to not pour out my entire heart into a blog post, I picked journaling back up.  I love to journal, but it is hard because sometimes I want what I have to say out there...which is where this blog comes in.

Now, I know that this probably doesn't make much sense right now.  I blame it on my headache which is getting worse because of the pain to type this (and I thought I was going to be able to write tonight?!).  ANYHOW, the blog will still get a lot of my thoughts, etc...but some will be reserved for my journal.  And no worries to the best friend.  :)  You will still get all of my thoughts because I can't keep anything from ya!  Trust me!

I'm still an open book, so you can ask me anything and everything in person, by email, or on here.  I've yet to reject answering a question.  SO...that's the balance between knowing what to blog about and what to journal about.  I'm sure my father is happy with this.  Lol.

Nighty night!

Dance Extravaganza

Tonight, I have dance class.  Note that I haven't had dance class in.......(counting)........over 4 years!!!  Sure, I've done some choreography since then, but nothing like what I may have comin' my way tonight.  I'm a bit nervous about it all.  One, because I haven't danced in years, I don't wanna make a fool of myself.  AND two, my health doesn't seem to want to cooperate today.  I'm looking forward to having a good time, especially with the recital, but I am nervous about it all.

I haven't danced all my life. I'm not one of those lil' girls who started way back when they were two years old and stopped dancing when they became a teenager.  In fact, I didn't start dancing until I was eleven years old!  I was envious of my lil' sister who started in her tiny people's dance class at the age of three.  Being the person that I was, I knew her dances inside and out and wanted to be on the stage when all the bigger girls got on the stage.  So, when the next dance season started, I pleaded with Mom to sign my name on the sheet!  She did.

Thus, my dance extravaganza began.  I danced my best the first year and at the end of the year, I signed up for the competition team.  I must say that I quickly became one of the best dancers of the studio.  (I know, no humbleness in that at all!)  I went to competitions and realized I wasn't the best dancer out there...I did get an award at one of the competitions for the best dancer of the year from the studio.  :)  I even began assisting the owner/teacher in her younger classes.  I would be at dance 8 hours a week!  (Which is a lot for a small studio!)  I loved helping the lil' ones work on their technique while having a great time!!!

In the meantime, I was running cross country and performing excellent works on my flute.  I would go to cross country practice for a couple hours, play my flute for a couple hours, go to dance class for 4 hours, go home to do homework, and play my flute for an hour or so before bed.  Sleep for a few hours and repeat!  Amidst all that stress, my knees, wrists, and hands were declining in functionality.  My second year of high school, I stopped being able to make it through a 5k race.  It was very disheartening.  I still pressed on through my third year of school, but had to drop out because of the severity of the problem my senior year.  I began having conflicts between band events and dance competitions.  I was winning multiple awards with my music, but I still wanted to do more.  I began taking flute lessons from my former high school teacher and LOVED it.  I decided that music was where I wanted to put my time and effort.  I finished my fifth recital season and didn't sign up for the next one.  I was then able to devote HOURS on no end to my music, but I missed dancing.  I would run lights and changing rooms at recitals.  I would manage lil' girls running around missing a shoe and random props.  But...it didn't fill the void...

Dancing gave me a chance to release physical energy.  It let me see myself in a beautiful way as I moved my body to the music.  Lyrical jazz was my favorite class because it flowed with who I was.  It still is my favorite style of dance.  I love it!  Anyhow, dance did little to damage my self-esteem, although I did envy the girls who hadn't put on the extra pounds like I did in high school.  Dance, rather, built up my self-esteem to see the work of art move through my body.

I'm excited for tonight's class.  I'm worried that I'll wear out and that my knees will give in and I'll end up on the floor.  But, I do want to have a good time.  This is something I've wanted to do since I stopped dancing.  I've always wanted to be in another recital...To be up on stage, having a good time!  It's not about showing how skinny I am (because I'm not skinny), or showing my sexuality.......It's about an art that is fun!  I'm all for dancing!  Very excited!  We shall see how it goes!!! :)

Contemplative Thinking

A lot of today, thus far, has been spent in a quiet room thinking about life.  I've thought about school, work, Methodism, Catholicism and the religious orders, Africa, friends, etc.  More and more, I'm beginning to think that I allow myself to be controlled by others.  It isn't in an abusive way or anything like that...It is much more subtle.  I allow other people's opinions and thoughts become my reality rather than creating a reality of my own.  They say that one's interpretations of the world become one's reality.  So, instead of taking in the world for myself, I allow others to create my world view.  In a way, this can be a good thing.  But when it comes to living my dreams or the dreams of others, that's when it gets messy!  

I love the dreams I have for myself.  The dream of becoming the best disciple I can be for Jesus Christ!!!  The dream of going to Africa and LIVING in Africa amongst the people. The dream of learning all I can and serving all I can!  I know these can be pretty abstract dreams, but in reality, they are very simplistic and concrete when broken down...

• I want to go through RCIA and become a Catholic.
• I want to join a class to study Scripture, or start one!
• I want to become an avid prayer warrior...someone that anyone can turn to when in need of prayer!
• I want to crochet a blanket...because I can!
• I want to get my health in order.
• I want to use music to touch people's hearts...to express God in an unspeakable way!
• I want to learn ASL and Swahili!
• I want to teach kids in Africa to know and love Jesus and about the world they live in.
• I want to publish a book...just for fun! :)
• I want to live simply...so no big house or lots of stuff!
• I want to love like Jesus loved and live like Jesus did with no regrets!

I think we make life too small.  I know people always say that life is too short.  But, we make life small.  We don't ever dream!  Dreams really can come true.  Dreams don't have to be something that we hold in our hearts and never act upon.  Sure, there are limits to what is physically possible...like, you may never be able to learn how to fly (unless you're okay with an airplane or parachute).  Let's not limit God.  Let's dream the impossible because God doesn't seem like the kind of Being that would be okay with just getting through life.  Each one of us can be something great because that's what we were meant to be!!!  It's how we were created!!!!  :-)  So.....

DREAM BIG!!!!!

Sprinkler Sunday

Today was definitely one of the best days I have had in a LONG time!  This morning, I lazily got ready for Mass.  Of course, that was after spending a few hours in the ER the night before for a migraine that had been going on for 5 days...talk about torture!!!  Well, after giving me ten billion drugs (okay, four), including an amazingly strange one, it was dead!  Wahoo!  They also wrote me a prescription for fioricet which is a migraine med since my current one is not effective any longer.  ANYHOW, after that fun last night, it was nice to wake up with relatively little pain.  Fibro was working a bit, but other than that...I slept pretty well and was stiff this morning!  I even had a bit of energy for the crazy day ahead.

After Mass, which I loved, of course, we (Nichole and I) went to a baptism for someone at Faith UMC.  HOWEVER, the immersion pool was not filled with water.  Since water seems to be a big part of baptisms, they rescheduled it for Father's day weekend!  Hopefully there will be water this time!!!  :)

Next, we went home for a quick lunch (leftover tacos) and headed to Nichole's 3rd and final infusion for her migraine headaches.  Of course, not before packing ICE CREAM to take with us!  Probably the greatest thing ever!!!  We took ice cream topped with strawberries and caramel! Mmmm.  It was fantastic!!!  Best idea ever!

After the infusion, which seemed to take forever since Nichole fell asleep, we grabbed some paperwork from Nichole's place of employment and filled my fioricet prescription since I had a pre-migraine headache.  Blah!  BUT, the meds kicked it out of the way pretty quickly!  :)

THEN...We went to Becky, Jason, and Jovie's place for a BBQ!  Not only was the food great, but also the entertainment of each other.  Due to a lil' girl, I got to play in the sprinkler!  Now, while I didn't have a swimsuit on, I was pretty much forced to run through it.  Haha.  I was triple-dog dared to run through it...so I had to.  Once I did it the first time, of course I had to do it more than once!!!  So, I had to do it again and again.  Then I was done and refused.  But not long after that was I cutting up brisket for her to eat, playing with Barbies, and reading a story with her.  Needless to say, I had an awesome time.  Pics are on FB...I'm not loading 'em on here too.  Lol.  BUT, probably one of the best days I've had.  I'm sore and in pain...but I'm glad I didn't let that keep me away from having a good time and laughing with the adults as well as with the lil chillin'!  Reminds me how much fun I have with kids and the energy, they not only steal from you, but also give you!  I don't think I've stopped smiling since I left their place.  I just wish I had that kind of energy all the time!  GREAT time.  Glad I accepted the invitation!  :)

So, I had a great Sprinkler Sunday!!!  :)

Reminder

This is a reminder to all who might pick up this blog for some "light" reading that I write for me.  This blog is much like my journal.  I don't always write about happy things.  I don't keep on my mask when I write here.  When I write here, you get me.  You get the me that I am under the smile you see out and about.  You get the me that God is walking with.  This isn't always the me that you imagined.  If I kept the mask down all the time, you wouldn't want to be around me.  You would want to run the other way.  You wouldn't want to listen to "pain pain" all the time.  You wouldn't want to bear the weight that I carry all the time.  Sure, you might want to know how I'm doing.  And you might want to sincerely know.  And, I might actually tell you.  BUT...You can't say that you want to take on the weight of my life along with yours.  So, I rest my burden on God.  I tell Him what I'm feeling.  I tell Him what I'm going through.  And a lot of times, this blog gets those thoughts.  But, I know you would run away if I told you everything.  I know that you would hate to be around me because I would bring you down with me.  I only feel safe doing this with one human being on earth and the One True God!  SO, yes.  This blog isn't always happy.  This blog isn't always about the peace I've obtained through God about my life's circumstances.  But, this blog portrays the real me that many of you can't carry in person.  But, I have to write.  Because when I write, it is one more way that I get the weight of life off of me and onto this computer screen.  No one has to read it.  But, it's there for those who want the reminder that life isn't perfect.  People don't show everything they are feeling or going through for fear of judgment or whatever.  People are people.  And I'm dearly sorry if my writing does not portray that hope that God gives to my life.  HE is the reason I can make it through a day like today that hasn't started well and probably will end worse than it already is. 

Remember...I write for me...and God promises hope...not happiness.  And especially not happiness in the way Americans view it.  So, let me write for me and write what I want!!!

Titles

Titles are so bothersome.  It takes me forever to come up with one that relates to exactly what I want to say.  They say that you shouldn't come up with a title until the end so that it clearly portrays what you want the reader to catch from the writing.  Others say that it gives you some sort of a starting place to go off of.  Today, I find them to be bothersome.  So, here's the rant of the day.

Doctor's appt went well.  It was short.  I had an EXTREMELY low blood pressure and I got lots of samples! :)  My doctor thinks that it is a stomach ulcer or gastritis.  So, he gave me some antacid to take that is stronger than what I would find in a store and told me to call him mid-week if I wasn't doing better.  If I'm not doing better, they will be takin' a scope to my stomach.  (Not wanting that to happen...really hoping it is just an ulcer!)  My medicines and their multiplicity may be eating the lining of my stomach.  Blah.  Anyhow...ulcer anyone???

In other news, the job hunt is going alright.  I applied at lots of hotels today, with a pretty good chance of getting a job at a couple.  So, we'll see.  Only bad part...they are about 40 minutes away from home.  But, it won't be as bad once school starts back up in august. 

My sister is with me these next couple of days.  Not sure how I feel about that.  We'll be sharing the bed and so I guess we will see if we can get along.  I'm not too worried about it.  She's pretty awesome.  And, she's gonna pray the rosary with me tonight.  After I explained to her what exactly it was.  Lol.  She has lots of homework though, and I'm nearly dying, so hopefully she gets done soon so I can pray and sleep!!! 

Trying to stay positive even when all else around me seems to be falling.  So, I'm praying to be able to stay positive, find a job, and stay afloat with my health.  One day, I will go to Africa...and whether my health allows me to go with a program or not, I will still go.  I will not let anything keep me from going...not debt or health or those I love.  And I can't wait to go with my best friend!  I know that we can do anything that God sets in our minds.  I pray we keep the fire burning and do not let it die off like other fires we've had.  It must keep burning.  We must keep going.  No matter what! 

Answers

So, I have been trying to get my medical life in order.  Honestly, it is giving me a headache.  I've seen two rheumatologists and I will be seeing another pain clinic at the beginning of June. 

As for the appointment for today.  My doctor doesn't really seem to believe in fibromyalgia, which makes me nervous.  Either way, he put me on a few meds.  Increased my lyrica.  Put me on an oral steroid.  And gave me a muscle relaxer.  The muscle relaxer is AMAZING!!!  It gives me a pressure headache, but it relieves most of the rest of my pain.  It isn't taking care of the abdominal pain, but it is fine.  Also, this morning, I had an abdominal ultrasound.  I haven't gotten the results yet...but, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be diagnosed with having a peptic ulcer.  The zantac that I took earlier helped some, but not enough.  I'm looking forward to my doctor's appt tomorrow afternoon to fix this abdominal pain. 

I do hope that I can sleep tonight.  I took a rather long 1.5-2hr nap earlier, but I'm still tired.  All this pain I've had is kickin' me!  But, who knows?!  Right now, I'm watching Doctor Who per a suggestion by Christine.  I may turn on Stargate SG-1 though so that I can get to sleep easily. 

I still have the appt with the pain clinic at the beginning of June.  I'm sincerely looking forward to it.  But, I'm annoyed with dealing with all these doctors.  It's hard on the finances and the body to go through all the stress.  SO...I don't know.  I think the pain clinic will be able to help me better than all these individual doctors as they can take care of the headaches, depression, fibro, and arthritic pain all in one place!  I'm excited!!!!!!!! 

Anyhow, I'm finally getting answers.  I'm finally getting treatment that is seeming to help.  I'm finally to the point where the questions are still coming, but there is hope for answers.  (Though, I still wanna know if I have RA.)  There is hope that I'll actually be in good health to go to Africa by the time I'm 23yo! :)

Heading to bed now, in pretty decent spirits.  May do a bit of reading too.  Got some extra books to read, like Judith and 1 & 2 Maccabees.  :)  Gotta love the Catholic Bible!  Just a bit longer than the Protestant Bible.  Happy Wednesday!

Huzzah!

Today was BAD pain-wise.  At one point in time, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  Instead, I just sat in bed with my best friend and continued in my crabby-I'm-in-pain mood.  Stress does NOT help the body adjust to the pain either.  So, when my mother told me about my brother's kindergarten graduation last minute when I had already made plans for the evening, it not only made me mad and annoyed, but also increased the pain!  Needless to say, I was not in a good mood at that point in time.  Haha.

HOWEVER, a few things happened today that kept myself afloat amongst the pain and stress:

1.  My picture taking extravaganza!

2.  Getting cheesy hashbrowns...and a lot of em!  10 boxes, 50 cents a piece...when it should have been 10 for $10...not sure how that worked out!  (Cute guy at the register??? Heehee.)  AND...M&Ms provided by my best friend with a huge glass of milk!  :)

3.  A fantastic back-rub that relaxed me and worked out a lot of the pain in my hips.  (Although, having fibro and getting a back-rub is sometimes quite painful considering that ya wanna go crazy every time a trigger/tender point is touched!  BUT...Nichole was fantastic about it (knowing where the tender points were) and proceeded with extreme caution.) 

Okay, so as I said...I had a picture taking extravaganza!  I might have an obsession with bright, still photo shots.  SO...Here's some of them from today, and one of my bro from the day we got to hang out! :-)  ALSO...After my picture taking extravaganza around St. Cletus Catholic Church, I ended up finding "my place."  I went and prayed the rosary there and found peace in ways that are unable to be spoken and yet conviction beyond comfort!  I loved it!  Such a pretty day and such a pretty place!  Okay...pictures!

Who

As I look at the boxes in my room, I can't help but think of the last two years of my life.  In a way, it is really sad to leave who I've become in the last two years.  The ways I've grown are enormous.  I've learned more about myself than school subjects.  I hate thinking that I am leaving this behind to go back home.  But, I'm not going home the same that I was before.  And I'm not sure people realize that.

I think about who I was before I left High School.  Leaving High School, I was a straight A student who was ON FIRE to become a music educator.  I wanted to teach the children of the world music.  All I wanted to do was play and teach.  Nothing else.  Now, I've moved completely away from that into a whole new realm of things.  I'm studying the last thing I ever thought I would study and going to school someplace I NEVER thought I would go.  I hardly thought twice about my academic future leaving High School.  Now, I think about it all the time and wonder if where I'm headed is where God wants me to go. 

I think about who I was as a friend.  In High School, I had very few friends.  But the friends I had were great.  I never really opened up to them or allowed them to see my weaknesses.  Now, I have the greatest best friend ever whom I call a dear sister!  She knows me inside and out and can tell you all my weaknesses!  The few friends I have are awesome and know the real me.  Outside of that, I'm not very social.  Thank you to Brittney, Christine, and Nichole for helping me through this year and sticking with me through it all!  And thanks to Julie for being there at the beginning of all the mess of my family and the divorce and helping me see God through it all.  My social life is hardly what it was before entering college.

I think about who I was outside of school.  Busy.  Crazily busy.  Now, my health measures what I do.  And my passion rules over everything.  Doing it all is highly unlikely.

Finally, I think about who I am spiritually.  Ha.  It would take WAY TOO MANY blog posts to say it all.  But, while I've fought with God from everything from hangers, cereal, and the cold shoulder, I have grown exponentially.  I know what it is like to be angry at God.  I know what it is like to fall before God in tears.  I know what it is like to hear His voice.  I know what it is like to see Him working in other people's lives in ways you would never dream!  I know what it is like to do crazy things for God.  I hope and pray I will continue to grow.  No matter where life takes me, I know that He is with me.  I know that He will protect my travels to Africa. 

I never would have guessed that I would go from thinking of myself as a music educator to a missionary all in two years.  But, I know that it is what I'm called to do.  I can't wait to see the children!  May I forever follow God!  Never any human being less than Jesus Christ Himself! 

So, here's to many more years of learning.  Here's to many more years of allowing God to work in my life.  Yes, it will be sad leaving this life in Springfield, Missouri.  But, I can't tell you how excited I am for this new phase of my life...academically, socially, and spiritually! 

It's Here!

So here we are.  May 10th.  Today is the day I've waited for since sometime in February!!!  Today, I see Dr. Hunt.  She is a rheumatologist who treats fibro and who knows what else?!  Hopefully, she can help with the pain.  Not gonna lie, I have no clue where I'm going.  Thanks to GPSs I'm not too worried about it.  I just don't want to wander the halls and miss my appt.  ;)  I really am hoping that it is easy to find though.  I'm not in the mood to search for places today.  I'm in pain.  I'm beginning to be annoyed by the song Blessings by Laura Story, but it's the only way for me to make some sort of peace with being in pain.  But anyway, onto a nicer topic.......

Okay, so not so nice.  Finals week.  It really sucks.  I'm stressed still.  My back is probably as hard as a rock and I have to force myself to get ready in the morning because I just don't want to get out of bed.  I feel like finals' week is a student's worse nightmare, but they still make us do it.  I don't get it.  I also am incredibly nervous for this whole essay test tomorrow.  I won't have much time to study today, although it is my hopes that I can get time in to study today after my appointment.  If I don't study, I will legitimately fail.  I already am hoping that I can manage to get it all done and put everything I know on the paper.  I think it will be easier than she is making it sound, but that doesn't comfort me any.  Lol.  I will be writing on each essay for 20 minutes and I will probably die afterward.  But, who knows?!  I may survive to go home with a load of stuff that I have yet to pack.  Haha.  I'm soooo not even close to having my apartment close to moving.  Okay...onto a nicer topic......

I'm going to daily mass today again.  I must admit it gets my priorities straight for the day.  I am excited to go to St. Cletus' daily mass too!  I think they even pray the Rosary afterward...which is different for me!  Exciting!  :-)  I loved being able to go to CCM's daily mass yesterday.  I can't tell you what it is like for me to be able to go to any Catholic church and "know the words."  I'm not worried about it.  I'm in hopes that I enjoy it.  If I do, I will probably make it a priority in my schedule when I transfer.  But anyhow, I'm excited.  I suppose only I would get excited about being able to go to church every single day.  But, shouldn't we all?!  I mean, if we all love Jesus, shouldn't we want to worship Him every day not only in our daily lives, but also with others!  It just makes me excited.  I'm a bit nervous because I haven't been to a daily mass at St. Cletus, but I'm sure it will be fine.  I guess I'm more nervous about going alone than anything.  Especially since I won't know anyone.  But, hey, I know Jesus and since He'll be there, I'll be fine!  Haha...So, I best be leaving.  Gotta go all the way across town!!!  Onto a nicer topic.........

Adios! 

Justify

Since my decision to become a Catholic, I've fought many battles.  Sure, it's been a battle in the last few days as I've announced my decision...But here's the thing:

I shouldn't have to justify myself!

I shouldn't have to make an announcement to everyone about what I'm doing with my life.  I shouldn't have to give reasons why I believe what I do.  I don't feel like that furthers the kingdom of God!  I really don't know how else to say this.

For those of you who care, I'm writing my justification as best as I can and as fully as I feel comfortable putting out there for the world to see.  So here it goes.

I was led to the Catholic Church by God.  While my experiences in the Catholic Church weren't the greatest as a kid, I learned more and more as I spoke with friends, especially during my high school years.  Two of my friends sat at "The Christian Rejects' Table."  (That's the name I gave to our lunch table.)  These people who sat regularly with me for lunch became some of my closest friends.  Two of them were Catholic.  I think the discussions and debates that we had were steps in the right direction for me.  While I didn't win all of them and neither did they, I think we made huge leaps in establishing our own views of the Church and, most importantly, Christ.  I even began respecting their belief system by not eating meat on Fridays during Lent as well as giving up something more as a sacrifice and not being rude towards their opinions, no matter how wrong I thought they were.  I too would make the sign of the cross when we prayed with each other.  It was normal for me to become tolerant and explore other faiths as a high school student.  I must say that by having quite a few faiths present, the discussions were great:  Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Pagan, and Assembly of God.  And this was merely high school.

As I moved into college, I began to explore the various campus ministries.  I went to Green Room, which is a Methodist ministry, for quite a while.  I served on leadership and played in the worship band.  Then, we revised the ministry.  I was no longer on leadership.  I began to explore again.  I couldn't just sit around and only go to the worship service.  I tried to lead a small group (aka - life group), but the groups were discontinued after a while.  I must admit that I believe that discontinuing the groups was a bad decision as I look back.  Meanwhile, I went to a few Christian ministries that don't group themselves with a particular church.  I also tried CCM.  CCM is the Catholic Campus Ministry on Missouri State University's campus.  (Yes, that's the school where I've spent the last two years of my life.)  I went to a noon mass with a friend named Katie.  (Hopefully she doesn't mind!)  She really was an awesome example of the Catholic faith and made me want to explore it.  I researched it a bit.  I also want to know what all the things were that I was saying, or supposed to say.  Now, I'm happy to announce that I can successfully make it through a noon mass, knowing all the words!!!  Katie really encouraged me to come again, but because I couldn't take communion, I had a hard time going, though I loved the formality with which they approached communion.  I learned the whereabouts of what one is supposed to do and where one should go within the service.  I loved it though.  It was a break from all of the busyness of the school day.

As the semester broke and I was headed into my second year at MSU, I was called to cover my head.  I did NOT want to cover my head, yet I reluctantly followed God's prodding.  I must admit that I loved covering once I got past it all.  But, as I was researching it, I kept finding all these Christian women who covered their head...however, they were Catholic.  While they were not nuns, they still covered.  There's another time that I've dug into Scripture, but also the tradition of the church.  Of course, that was the Church - the Catholic Church.  So, I began doing all sort of research on Catholicism and wondered if the change might be good...however, there were still some doctrine that I didn't quite agree with.

This year has been phenomenal in regards to my spiritual life.  I never would have guessed that I would become angry at God.  But I did.  I never would have thought that my best friend would walk away from me and classify me in her heart as unforgivable, but then turn back four months later and forgive me.  I never would have thought that I would EVER be diagnosed with a chronic illness.  But I was.  I never would have thought that I would cover my head for a semester, even as a Muslim woman might...but I did.  I never would have guessed that I would begin the ministry process.  But I did.  I never would have guessed that I would END the ministry process, but I did.  You know, there are just things in your life that affect your spirituality.  My parents divorced and my health declined.  I became angry at God.  It was just how it played out.  I think what is so hard for me to grasp is how I grew from it all.  Even when I was angry at God I was still growing.  Even when I was classified as unforgivable, I was still growing.  Even when I looked like a Muslim woman, I was still growing.  I've grown from what I was a year ago and I won't stop growing.

God is taking me places in my life that I've never explored before.  I'm not becoming a Catholic merely because I believe what a Catholic believes.  It is more.  More than I feel comfortable telling.  But I'll give you a bit.

When I was angry at God, my devotional life completely declined.  I lost my discipline.  I lost the desire to want to know God.  I became someone who was merely going through the motions.  I don't want to be like that.  I want a church where I can be pushed to grow.  I want the accountability of confession.  I want to be able to show that reverence to my Savior that I've lost somewhere.  I found that in the Catholic church.  I want to go to mass with the intent to worship God.  I don't want to go there to evaluate the sermon and decide what I've learned.  I want to go there to worship.  I don't want to go to have a social life.  I want to go there to worship.  I think what I love most is that I still have the opportunity to learn and socialize outside of the hour of mass.  And now that I've researched Catholicism more than ever, I know the backing behind every disagreement I've had.  I can see where the Church is coming from and I'm okay with it.  But, like I said, becoming a Catholic is more than theology for me.  If it were merely theology, I would forget about it.  But it isn't.  It is a life decision.  I wasn't hasty in making it either.  It took years as I've written.  And it's been turning in my mind for months.  And it's been on my heart for weeks.  And it's been put there by God. 

One day, I will go to Africa.  And I will teach children how to read and write.  I will teach them how to take care of themselves.  But more than that, I will teach them the reverence of God that I've embraced.  I will teach them how God holds out His arms for them to come running to them on good days and bad days.  I will show them how to study God's Word.  I will show them the One who can bring hope and comfort to their lives.  I will go to Africa.  It may be dangerous.  It may be a crazy idea.  BUT...I don't want to go through the motions.  I don't want to regret it later in life by following what others want.  I want to live my life in the way I see fit to further the kingdom of God.  I am an adult, so I should be able to do that.  I'm grateful for all my parents have taught me thus far.  And they will continue to teach me.  But I hope that they and you can understand that I can't justify every life decision that I make.  I can't make everyone happy.  So, I'm focusing on one - God.

I want to be a Catholic.  And I want to go to Africa.  I don't want to have to justify everything to you, because I hope that eventually it will become normal for me to stray away from the Motions we get caught in...