Contemplative Thinking

A lot of today, thus far, has been spent in a quiet room thinking about life.  I've thought about school, work, Methodism, Catholicism and the religious orders, Africa, friends, etc.  More and more, I'm beginning to think that I allow myself to be controlled by others.  It isn't in an abusive way or anything like that...It is much more subtle.  I allow other people's opinions and thoughts become my reality rather than creating a reality of my own.  They say that one's interpretations of the world become one's reality.  So, instead of taking in the world for myself, I allow others to create my world view.  In a way, this can be a good thing.  But when it comes to living my dreams or the dreams of others, that's when it gets messy!  

I love the dreams I have for myself.  The dream of becoming the best disciple I can be for Jesus Christ!!!  The dream of going to Africa and LIVING in Africa amongst the people. The dream of learning all I can and serving all I can!  I know these can be pretty abstract dreams, but in reality, they are very simplistic and concrete when broken down...

• I want to go through RCIA and become a Catholic.
• I want to join a class to study Scripture, or start one!
• I want to become an avid prayer warrior...someone that anyone can turn to when in need of prayer!
• I want to crochet a blanket...because I can!
• I want to get my health in order.
• I want to use music to touch people's hearts...to express God in an unspeakable way!
• I want to learn ASL and Swahili!
• I want to teach kids in Africa to know and love Jesus and about the world they live in.
• I want to publish a book...just for fun! :)
• I want to live simply...so no big house or lots of stuff!
• I want to love like Jesus loved and live like Jesus did with no regrets!

I think we make life too small.  I know people always say that life is too short.  But, we make life small.  We don't ever dream!  Dreams really can come true.  Dreams don't have to be something that we hold in our hearts and never act upon.  Sure, there are limits to what is physically possible...like, you may never be able to learn how to fly (unless you're okay with an airplane or parachute).  Let's not limit God.  Let's dream the impossible because God doesn't seem like the kind of Being that would be okay with just getting through life.  Each one of us can be something great because that's what we were meant to be!!!  It's how we were created!!!!  :-)  So.....

DREAM BIG!!!!!

M&Ms....

Recently, I was put on a muscle relaxer.  The muscle relaxer does pretty well, but the pill is powdery and has a HORRIBLE taste.  It actually makes me sick to my stomach if I take it and do not eat something or drink something to get rid of the taste.  Usually, I keep M&Ms around to help with that!  They have kind of been my constant companion since my best friend told me that they were gluten-free!  :)  I also eat them for comfort, which isn't the greatest, but they make me a lil' happier when I'm down in the dump!  

There's a lot that I try to do to make me feel better.  I think it is interesting how each person, especially those with chronic pain, has those things that help them make it through the day.  I must say that my number one comfort is praying, or even just holding, my rosary.  I love to clench the cross, even though my hand is all red after doing so.  I do like eating them M&Ms.  Watching Netflix is top on my list too.  Anything that requires little effort but takes the concentration off of the pain helps.  Crocheting is fun to do because of how relaxing it is and then there is the enjoyment of finishing a project.  I have never made anything for myself other than a couple scarves when I was first starting, so I'm really excited about this blanket I am making! :)  Obviously, I like writing blogs to get out emotion and thoughts.  I also like to research Africa and different missionary programs or trying to learn the language - Swahili.  OR, learning more about Catholic beliefs...but I have to be half-way decently alive for that to happen.  :)  Right now, I'm watching my best friend play Tap Tap on my iPhone...on the hard level.  I am not coordinated enough for that...so I would get very frustrated very easily by doing that.  

Anyhow, that's kinda my thoughts on things that try to make me feel better on bad days even with the whole muscle relaxer thing.  They help me keep going in this life that isn't so fantastic sometimes.  Mmmm...M&Ms! (*reaching for bag of M&Ms regularly kept next to the bed*)

PS...I want a job so I can get a bunny.  :)  Lol.  

Who

As I look at the boxes in my room, I can't help but think of the last two years of my life.  In a way, it is really sad to leave who I've become in the last two years.  The ways I've grown are enormous.  I've learned more about myself than school subjects.  I hate thinking that I am leaving this behind to go back home.  But, I'm not going home the same that I was before.  And I'm not sure people realize that.

I think about who I was before I left High School.  Leaving High School, I was a straight A student who was ON FIRE to become a music educator.  I wanted to teach the children of the world music.  All I wanted to do was play and teach.  Nothing else.  Now, I've moved completely away from that into a whole new realm of things.  I'm studying the last thing I ever thought I would study and going to school someplace I NEVER thought I would go.  I hardly thought twice about my academic future leaving High School.  Now, I think about it all the time and wonder if where I'm headed is where God wants me to go. 

I think about who I was as a friend.  In High School, I had very few friends.  But the friends I had were great.  I never really opened up to them or allowed them to see my weaknesses.  Now, I have the greatest best friend ever whom I call a dear sister!  She knows me inside and out and can tell you all my weaknesses!  The few friends I have are awesome and know the real me.  Outside of that, I'm not very social.  Thank you to Brittney, Christine, and Nichole for helping me through this year and sticking with me through it all!  And thanks to Julie for being there at the beginning of all the mess of my family and the divorce and helping me see God through it all.  My social life is hardly what it was before entering college.

I think about who I was outside of school.  Busy.  Crazily busy.  Now, my health measures what I do.  And my passion rules over everything.  Doing it all is highly unlikely.

Finally, I think about who I am spiritually.  Ha.  It would take WAY TOO MANY blog posts to say it all.  But, while I've fought with God from everything from hangers, cereal, and the cold shoulder, I have grown exponentially.  I know what it is like to be angry at God.  I know what it is like to fall before God in tears.  I know what it is like to hear His voice.  I know what it is like to see Him working in other people's lives in ways you would never dream!  I know what it is like to do crazy things for God.  I hope and pray I will continue to grow.  No matter where life takes me, I know that He is with me.  I know that He will protect my travels to Africa. 

I never would have guessed that I would go from thinking of myself as a music educator to a missionary all in two years.  But, I know that it is what I'm called to do.  I can't wait to see the children!  May I forever follow God!  Never any human being less than Jesus Christ Himself! 

So, here's to many more years of learning.  Here's to many more years of allowing God to work in my life.  Yes, it will be sad leaving this life in Springfield, Missouri.  But, I can't tell you how excited I am for this new phase of my life...academically, socially, and spiritually! 

Maamuzi

I've made my decision.  So, thanks to all those who have said a prayer for me.  I really appreciate it.

Clearly, the name of this blog is not English.  In fact, it is Swahili for "decisions."  I've been making a lot of decisions lately.  Not to be a pastor was a HUGE decision.  However, I'm finding a lot of freedom in that and finding my way in life, including my Purpose.  I'm finding that there are ways outside of the pulpit that I can lead people to Jesus.  And honestly, they are pretty HUGE ways.

I've decided to become a missionary.  I want to go to Africa with the Maryknoll Lay Missioners.  It is a Catholic organization that takes care of EVERYTHING you can imagine to make sure as much work for Jesus gets done as possible!  Hopefully, I will be able to teach English and spend time with the lil' ones in Kenya!  It is also a three and a half year program, with four weeks of vacation, a stipend to cover living expenses, and MUCH more!  Honestly, it is my DREAM program.

But by now you've noticed that it is a Catholic organization.  Why am I looking at a Catholic organization?  Because I am joining the Catholic church.  I have really been praying about my life and its direction.  After really feeling like God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, I felt led to the Catholic church.  I have a friend who is a pretty strong Catholic.  After going to Mass a few times, I just feel more at home in the Catholic church.  I've discussed, pretty extensively, what the Catholics believe.  I have done TONS of research about their doctrine and every single thing I've ever disagreed with, I don't disagree with anymore.  I just feel like going to the Catholic church is the right thing for me.  As for the concepts of not taking communion for the next while and going to confession, they make me sad and slightly uncomfortable respectively, but I will press on and get through it.  Confession only makes me a little uncomfortable because it is so foreign to me.  But, I'm sure I'll get used to it.  I love the reality of it.  SO, I hope I will have the support of everyone in making this transition.  Believe me, I have NOT taken this decision lightly.  Most of you reading this know that I was born and raised United Methodist and have rarely strayed from that path.  But, take comfort in that I fully believe that I'm a Christian believing that Jesus came to earth to die on a cross to save me.  I am just going to follow where God leads me.  It is a plus that there are MANY programs out there for missionaries in the Catholic church.

These are the decisions, or maamuzi, that I've been praying about and settling.  I am open to discussion, but not debate.  Thanks for your cooperation on that!  Anyway, that's what's going on!!!  Happy Dead Day!

My rosary.  :)

Packing Procrastination

While I'm waiting on laundry to finish in the dryer, I thought I would write a blog post.  :)

So, I definitely should have started packing this morning because all this at once is making me hurt even more, and it's starting to get late, so exhaustion has taken over!  Let's see...what else?!

Oh...I'm learning a new language.  Swahili is incredibly hard to learn...not as bad as it could be, like Hebrew or Arabic.  HOWEVER, I seem to want to learn it in a hurry.  So, it's taking more time than I want it to.  I have so much more to learn in this life.  I just don't feel like learning one language should take so long.  It's not fair to those of us who want to know everything.  Haha.  Suppose that's why God created so many languages.  :)

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life.  I'm getting a bit frantic about figuring it out too.  I suppose this is what many of my classmates went through a couple years ago, but I thought I was so set on what I wanted to do, that I didn't worry about it.  Now, that's changed...so, life goals are being reevaluated.  I'm a little nervous to see if I can be a starving author in this world.  I feel like I would be a complete failure at being an author as a career.  I'm not scared of it.  I can write when I really want to, and I know with training I can be better.  I just don't know about it as a career, especially since I've loved it as a release for so many years - I don't want it to turn out like my love for my flute did.  NOW...with that being said, I think I could manage being a teacher.  I might even enjoy it.  Although, I have no clue if I could manage MS or HS, so I'm not too sure about it.  And I don't know how much more it would add to my schooling either.  I think I would go nuts in teaching classes.  Plus, the CBASE just doesn't sound entertaining since I haven't done math in forever, nor any of the other things covered on it.  Lol.  SO...That doesn't leave me with too many options if I cross off teaching...on the surface.  On the contrary, it leaves the entire world of English untouched.  I think I would love to work for a publishing company.  To be an editor would be a huge deal for me.  I'm horrible at editing my own work, but I can criticize others and edit others.  So, right now, I think professional writing would be awesome.  Even further than that, I'd love to work with a textbook company for Elementary, Middle, and High School textbooks.  I would want to be the editor to make sure everything is clear and that it looks attractive to students to have them actually read it, rather than let it collect dust. 

Anyhow, those are my current professional what I want to do with my life thoughts.  I think if I sit much longer, I'm not going to get the rest of my stuff done, so that's all I have for ya for now!  Home-bound tomorrow afternoon!  YAY!!!  Adios!!!