Saturday, April 30, 2011

My Role

Today was pretty awesome, aside from the pain.  I was at the women's retreat at my church in my college town.  It was a good retreat, but more than that I was able to educate so many people about fibromyalgia and chronic pain.  I love to tell people all about the illness(es) and what it is like for someone to live with this illness.  I really can do without the pity party.  Sorry-s don't mean much to me when so many people are living in ignorance about this illness.  So, I'd rather educate them and tell them about it.  I'll tell them what medicines and treatments are available and what I do outside of the medical world to get relief!  It's really encouraging to know that others are interested in learning about the illness too.  I just have to make it relevant for them to know in order for the interest to be there, or their already listening heart.  :-) 

My friend Nichole and I have decided that we are going to put together a workshop about chronic pain and living with it.  We want it to be available for everyone, whether one is suffering from chronic pain or family, friends, or a complete stranger to the idea of chronic pain.  I would love for it to be well-known enough that we begin to get requests from those around us to come and do it at their work, hospital staff, church or wherever!  In it, we hope to talk about illnesses that cause chronic pain and how those with the pain cope with it, a list of things to say and things not to say, and to share a few stories from people with chronic pain as well as our own stories.  I am getting SUPER excited to begin preparing it over the summer, which is quickly approaching.

Another thing that I determined today was that my calling is still to be a pastor.  As much as I want to deny it and avoid it, it is my God-given calling.  I know that I have been through the hell of life to prepare me for this.  I honestly dislike God for allowing it to happen.  But, as we work through our struggles (well, my struggles), I'm finding that my passion still lies in the ministry.  I love writing and editing.  I love reading and playing music.  But, I LOVE being in the church.  I love bringing people to know and love Christ.  Even when I'm mad at God for the crap that I've been through, I still know that He is there.  And I think His presence is what really keeps me going.  I know that I'm not alone.  I may not always believe that He has the best interest in mind for me, but I know that He will always be there.  So, there's my nice little revelation for the day.  I don't know what is going to happen between the chronic pain workshop this summer and the creative writing major, but I know that He will be there.  And eventually, I will be a pastor.  I may still be able to write and edit and play music for a living.  But, it will happen. 

I will say that I am not starting up with the pastoral process right away.  I need time to digest and figure out who I am in Christ. 

So for now, my role is an educator.  To educate people about chronic pain.  To educate people about living a life in God's presence.  And to educate people about Him.  Perhaps not in leadership or in that pastoral role.  But, as an ordinary human being put on earth for the glory of God.  That's my role. 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Fight Fibro

Today was not a good day, yet it was a good day.  For most of the day, I've been alright.  My joints aren't really hurting and I seemed to be doing alright.  However, my fibro HATES me right now.  Of course, it's because I got stressed out.

I am dealing with some financial issues.  I had an electric bill due today and I needed a few mandatory groceries, as well as prescriptions to renew.  It was interesting to see if I could make it work.  Needless to say, the prescriptions will have to wait until the last minute and I'll be paying my credit card bill until pigs can fly.  (Airplanes don't count.)  On top of that...

I called my PCP this morning to see if he would increase my lyrica to 100mg/3xdaily.  I have been on the 75mg/3xdaily for a while now, and while there is an improvement, I seriously think it can do better.  I want so badly for the pain to go away, or at least be lessened.  Even typing this is straining my wrists and shoulders to where it is almost unbearable.  I wanted some sort of an adjustment.  ESPECIALLY if he refuses to prescribe pain medication. 

He said no.

From what I gather, he is tired of me bugging him.  He thinks I should see a psychiatrist.  And he wants me checked for lyme's disease.  I HIGHLY doubt I have lyme's disease, but I'll be visiting the lab early tomorrow morning, just to check.  (Mainly to prove him wrong.)  He thinks that I have it because every symptom I have matches it...blah blah blah blah BLAH!  Actually, I find him quite wrong, but whatever?! 

If the lyme's disease is found, then I might consider sticking with him.  But, I've had so many issues with that whole realm that I really am considering finding a new PCP, which really sucks.  I liked having the luxury of merely calling the office to get a z-pack when I'm ill.  BUT...At least I won't have to deal with the issues I've had.  It takes forever for them to return a call and I don't think my dr has the best interest in mind.  Although his nurse won't admit it, I think he might consider me a drug seeker and/or psychotic.  It's so frustrating to have a doctor who will say that you have a condition, but won't treat you according to how your body is reacting.  Why do we have to trust doctors, but doctors don't have to trust us and our word?!  How does that work out!? 

Anyhow, I'm annoyed.  So, I'll be getting my blood drawn tomorrow as well as requesting my records to be sent home to a dear-to-my-heart friend.  THEN, I will be on the search.  Again.  I'm hoping this time is more successful, and I'm hoping that the pain management doc can help with the pain...and believes that it's okay to prescribe narcotics for those with chronic pain when Tylenol doesn't work! 

On the up side, I made cookies today.  They turned out good, but they are all crumbly.  Kind of funny.  Taste good though.  While I was doing that, I made my shirt for purple shirt day!  It turned out GREAT!  I can't wait for Sunday to get here.  I am thrilled to wear this shirt to church!  So many people will see it.  Hopefully questions will be asked and fibromyalgia/lupus awareness month (MAY) will begin!!! :-)  I'm just so excited about this shirt that I've put photos up here!  So, see the pictures.  I gotta go clean up my mess and get to bed.  I'm not feelin' so great since I did so much today. 

OH...And a side note, I have the bestest best friend in the entire world who is always willing to stand (okay, lay on her heating blanket) next to me through all this crap that life throws at me.  Thanks for being there, Nichole, through thick and thin, good and bad, in sickness and in health.  (Nope, no marriage ladies and gentlemen, BUT...she really is great and I love her as my sister!)  You bring sunshine to the darkest places of my life!  I appreciate you, Nichole! 

Okay...picture time! :)

The Front!

The back!

The close-up of the back!
Adios! :)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

My Wilderness

I know my posts have been down and depressing recently.  I'm sure it looks as though I am giving up.  It seems like I don't want to go on in this day-to-day life of chronic pain.  And to an extent, I'd have to tell you that you are right.  I don't want to be in pain.  The pain is bad enough without the "side effects" of being in chronic pain.  Right now, I'm in what I call my wilderness. 

I call it this for a few reasons.  One of which is that Jesus had a time of testing in the wilderness.  There He ate no food and prepared Himself for the ministry to come.  I knew this time would come for me when I was called to be a pastor.  When I was called, I had experienced very little of life.  I asked God to prepare me for what was to come.  The next day, my Bible study looked at Matthew 4, which speaks of Jesus' time in the wilderness.  I knew, then, that my time would come.  But now, I can see that time in my life. 

A second reason that I call it my wilderness is because of Job's story.  Crap happens to him and he questions God.  He questions why his family and health has been taken from him.  Now, my family isn't gone as in GONE.  However, my family has been torn apart by divorce and continually has trial after trial to go through.  My health has become a huge concern for me lately.  And while I don't have cancer nor anything people can see, the illness is still there.  I struggle with why God made me this way.  Why did He allow this on me and so many other wonderful people in this world?!  I recognize that He is God and we're working through the issues between us, but I feel like I'm in Job's story as he went through his wilderness.

The third reason I call it my wilderness is harder to talk about than the other two reasons.  I think about the places we call a wilderness.  Some are dry while others are excessively wet.  Deserts often pop into our minds.  We see one person meandering their way through a place searching for someone or some help.  They are alone.  I know I have some support in this life.  I know that others are right beside me in this battle against the health issues that have arisen.  BUT...I still feel alone in the battle.  I still feel like I'm searching for who I am, and no one else can do that for me.  I still feel like I am searching for my purpose and some direction in my life. 

I don't know if you can see the "me" in the wilderness.  I don't know if you can help in any way.  But I do ask you to be patient with me.  Be patient as I struggle with these things and question God.  Be patient as I doubt. Be patient as I learn how to deal with what's happening.

Sure...I have only been dealing with this for approximately four months, and with depression for much longer.  But, that means that in the last four months, I have learned to deal with a whole lot of stuff.  I have learned how to deal with doctors and pharmacists.  I have learned how to make appointments when needed and find doctors to help me.  I have learned how to fire a doctor.  I have learned a great deal about pain and living with it.  I've learned how to deal with fatigue and severe depression.  I've learned how to stay active, though in pain, and how to adjust my diet to suit my body.  And I'm still learning.  So please be patient. 

I'm in my wilderness and I'm searching for me in all of life's experiences...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Believe

Can't sleep.  It's nights like these that I start to wonder about life.  It's nights like these that make me think.  What else is there to do when one is in pain?  When everything has taken its toll on your heart with how much you're missing in this world...

I did some research tonight.  I researched somethings I really didn't want to research, but felt like I should do so.  I researched psychological disorders.  Some comfort came by it, but also a lot of distress.  I know I'm not seen as bipolar or schizophrenic, and I've already been diagnosed with depression...So it made me go further.  I wanted to look up what a hypochondriac was.  The character in my story "No Blood" was called a hypochondriac in the workshop of my story...so I looked up the medical definition.

Honestly, it wasn't very promising for the character or myself.  It really made me think about who I was and what I'm going through.  It made me think of how others must see me.  Of course, there are no real tests for something like this.  And then there is the whole thing about searching for doctors who will validate that the pain is real and all sorts of stuff like that of no treatments working and the signs aren't there of the diseases, etc.

However, fibromyalgia has no real tests that can be run.  Sure, there is the trigger points test (which sucks btw).  AND...I searched for a doctor who would be able to see more than the depression.  And as for thinking the pain is real?  I know it is.  I know hypos think it's real too and can feel real pain....so if that's the case, treatments wouldn't really work on hypos because a lot of it is psychological, but I see improvement from the meds I'm on.  Just not enough to alleviate the pain completely, especially not on bad days.

So, perhaps I'm crazy and "gave this" to myself.  But, I don't think so.  Just got me thinking that perhaps others feel like I'm a hypochondriac.  My pain is real.  I don't know what caused it.  I just feel like no one believes me.  Even my own family, for goodness sake, doesn't seem like they believe me. I just feel very alone in this battle and it's starting to wear me out the more I have to keep fighting for my own sanity among friends and family!

If my life is worth anything to you, I hope that you'll stop the unbelief.  Believe that I'm more than a psychotic druggie.  Believe that I'm telling the truth of my pain.  Believe that I'm not making it up.  Whether I "gave it to myself" or not, the pain is still real.  And I still need help to alleviate the pain.  But I can't do that right now because I'm scared to be told I'm psychotic.  I'm scared that people won't believe me.  So, I'm going to start small...Even if my family believes, that's good enough...for now.

Thanks for reading.

Crocheting Madness

In the midst of today, I created a pattern for my blanket.  The one that I plan to finish before I die.  It's what I call my "bathroom" colors.  :)  They are probably my favorite colors when grouped together, though orange is my favorite stand-alone color.  The pattern is merely granny squares, so it's easy enough to figure out.  They are four rounds with a single stitch around the outside.  So, here's the pattern - color-wise.  If anyone feels like counting the colors of the squares of the various colors...post a comment below! 


So much more...

Today was an absolutely horrible day...pain wise.  I couldn't do anything for most of it but lay in bed.  Every 45 minutes or so, I would have to get out of bed to reset the internet, but that was all I could do.  I could hardly text and pushing the buttons on my heating pad became something to dread.  FINALLY, about mid-afternoon, I started to crochet which was painful, but I enjoy it too much to abandon it.  Plus, making a blanket is one of the things I will aim to do before I die.  SO...I started today by making a pattern and getting approximately 5% of it done.  YAY!  :)

Because my PCP and rheumy do not feel like dealing with my pain, I called a couple pain management specialists today.  I have an appointment on May 18th with one, however I'm afraid that all he is going to want to do is try injections.  I don't feel like injections would help someone with my condition of fibromyalgia.  Injections seem to do well for people with pain in one or two areas, not body wide pain.  So, as much as I do not want to be on narcotics, I want relief from this pain.  I need something for the really bad days like these that make me want to skip class and do nothing, talk to no one, and lay in bed bored and in pain.  Gotta say, that's not the life I want to live.  I don't want my biggest dread to be getting out of bed in the morning or to make dinner.  That's not what I want for my life.  So anyone that tells me that I just need to get over it and deal with the pain is a dumb-ass.  (Excuse my language.)  I am tired of this every day pain.  I'm tired of this life that I've lived for the past months.  No, it hasn't been years like others, but still.  It isn't fair.  You wouldn't want this life, and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.  Even if I had an enemy to wish this upon, I never would do so.

Anyhow, I called another clinic and they do pain management programs, so there is paperwork to fill out and send in.  After they review it, they will let me know if I'm accepted into the program.  They are willing to do narcotics.  So, yeah.  I guess we will see how it goes and if I hear from them before May 18th.  I'm just tired of being sick in a way that people can't see.  I took my heating pad to my night class last night.  It worked pretty well for allowing me to be there and half-way decently alive.  But I can't tell you how belittled I feel these days.  I did get to educate a few people on fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain, which is always exciting for me.  The more awareness there is the better life will be.

I can't help but dreaming of all the things I wish I could do.  The things I've done in the past that I want to do now and the things that I've always wanted to do.  Sure, I'm a poor college student.  And my parents weren't that smart with their finances.  I can barely make it through school.  But there is so much out there in this world that I wish I could do right now.

I want to be able to dance again.  I want to have the energy to run and rehabilitate my knees (no matter what RA could be doing to my body).  I want to be able to travel.  To see the world for what it is, rather than the pictures in geography books.  I want to be able to play the flute for hours until that two-measure passage is perfect.  I want to be able to cook anything I want, whenever I want.  I want to make a difference in this world.

I'm not being unrealistic.  I'm not shooting for the moon (though that's possible these days).  I'm just dreaming like any other person on this earth.  I just wish I could make it happen.  I wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain.  I wish others with chronic pain didn't have to deal with the pain.  I wish we didn't have such a hard life with our loved ones.  I wish "outsiders" understood.  I wish they could grasp exactly what they are saying.  I know I wasn't perfect before fibro affected my life, but I tried so hard to understand.  I researched so many conditions as soon as friends mentioned the possibility of them affecting their lives.  I learned the symptoms and the treatments.  I cared as much as I could.  I wasn't perfect, but my friends, one in particular, saw my attempt and was grateful.  I just wish more people tried, rather than being so ignorant.  I wish that people could see the pain I'm feeling...not necessarily experience it, but to see what I'm dealing with every single day of my life.

Anyhow, my hands are crying out for me to stop typing, so I'm going to have to end this.  But, I just wanted to give an update on life.  This life sucks.  The life I want isn't the life I have.  There's no "Just deal with it" answer to this pain.  It's so much more than what can be seen on the outside.  So much more...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Firing FB?

After being off of Facebook for nearly 46 days, I am completely overwhelmed by it all.  I don't know what to do with all of the changes.  For instance, the question thing is really weird but kind of cool.  I just don't get it.  And then there is the fact that the people who I contact only through FB have been out of touch for the last month and a half...so it's weird trying to catch up on their lives and not be too "stalker-ish" in coming back on FB and commenting, etc. 

For Lent, it was absolutely great to be away no matter how much I missed it.  But, FB is too much right now for it to be what it was before Lent.  And I don't want it to be how it was before Lent.  So although I adjusted quite quickly to it, it's still a lot to take in at once.  THUS...I'm turning off FB texts to my phone.  AND...I'm honestly considering deleting the app off my phone again.  It's annoyingly on a third page of apps, plus I seem to click on it often wasting battery.  Lol.  So, I'm not so sure about that one, but the texts are done.

It's not only the overwhelming feeling it provides by its natural presence, but there is also a social aspect that I'm already missing.  While being off for Lent, I realized how much more effort I had to put into portraying my emotions and opinions...However, by doing that, others were doing it too.  For instance, I actually had to ask my best friend how her morning was going, rather than looking at her FB updates from 4:30am, 6:03am, and 8:24am.  I actually had to live life for real, rather than in an online world.  I had real conversations with people.  No one knew what I was doing every minute of my day, and I didn't know theirs.  It was a glorious thing, really. 

So, am I firing FB?  No, not really.  But I'm not letting it take over my real life.  I love it in order to check up on people and see how everyone is doing.  I love being able to communicate through it, posting pictures and statuses, etc.  I love being able to minister through it.  BUT, I don't want it to become my reality that I'm so dependent on its existence in my life. 

Therefore, no to FB texts, maybe to FB app, and sure to FB profile.  I will be okay not being on FB until I can get to a computer.  I was away from it for 40-some-odd days!  Surely I can handle a few hours...

Rainy Days

So, I was going to write a big ol' post today about everything that's going on.  BUT...I hurt too badly to do that.  It hasn't stopped raining today...I feel like all of Missouri is flooded by now.  However, we have more rain in the forecast for the next WEEK or so!  I call that ridiculous.  But this is a post to say:

OWWWWWWWWWWW!

I also cannot believe that IT is back. Idontwannatalkaboutit.

I hate pain.

I hate not having any meds to take on days like this to relieve the pain.

I hate that there is such a thing as chronic pain.

I hate that my body hates me when it rains.

I hate IT.

I think my life will be a miserable excuse for living for the next week or so, until the rain ends.  So, yeah.  Carlos (my heating pad) and Elliott (my heating blanket) will be my best company.  Too bad I need to go to class tonight.  I'd love to hang out with Carlos and Elliott ALL NIGHT AND DAY!!!

Oh, rainy days...

Post Script:  I'm bringing Carlos to class tonight!!!  :)  Think what you may, but it's the only way I'm going to sit through a 3-hr class!  Hahahahahahahaha.....

Sunday, April 24, 2011

FBYTG+30 Wrap-Up

So, this post will probably be short.  But I wanted to say a few things about my Lenten experience.  :)  In all honesty, I didn't keep "to the fullest extent" any of my Lenten commitments.  I use Google all the time, but I must say that I researched NOTHING in regards to my health.  It was quite refreshing.  So, I am pleased to say that my goal...well God's goal...was accomplished during that time.  YouTube wasn't much of a concern.  I didn't obsessively get on it to pass the time.  I only used it once in a while to look up a song or watch a friend's video.  Not too much of a mess.  Facebook was kind of an interesting slip on that first Friday.  I won't go into it, but it was quickly recovered, and though I thought about Facebook a lot, I didn't mess up again after that.  My best friend did a great job of keeping me away from it.  :)  As for the +30 portion...It went great the first half of Lent.  Not so great the last half.  But it doesn't help that I was mad at God for a good portion of it.  But, we're working through it.  We'll see how it goes.

Couple things...I love blogging.  It allows me to be me much more than FB ever will.  I can't believe i was that stinkin' addicted to a social network.  Hopefully I won't ever be that way ever again.  AND...I have the greatest best friend ever.  She has helped me through more than just FB withdrawal in the last 46 days.  So, thanks to her.  And I hope you all have that awesome friend too! 

Okay...gonna watch Roswell now...Adios!

Easter Tears

Today was an interesting day.  It started out with me arising to declare that I honestly didn't think I could make it to the Sunrise Easter Service.  I sat in bed, practically heart-broken, trying to decide if I could handle missing it.  (I know it sounds ridiculous, but I REALLY wanted to go.  It's kind of what I do on Easter.)  I ended up going.  The music filled the church as the choir took us through the passion and the resurrection of Christ.  It was wonderful, and I was so happy that I went.  :)

Less than two hours later, I headed over to the United Methodist church in town (my usual).  In between, I dealt with stubborn parents.  Neither of them were going to go to church, and that was upsetting myself and my sister.  It's annoying that they can't even make peace enough to go worship Jesus, ESPECIALLY on Easter when the church is full anyway!  My sister, Morgan, got my mom to come, without her fiancee due to a lack of "Sunday's best" clothing.  But at least she was there.  Late.  But there.  During the first hymn, Christ the Lord is Risen Today, my mom rushed out of the Sanctuary in tears!  About half-way through the hymn, I feel Grandma nudging me in the choir.  I look back and she is completely in TEARS!  She wants to know if she should go after her.  Without much hesitation, I said yes.  She as well as my sister went after mom.  A while later, a LONG while later, they came back into the service.  I could hardly keep from looking at my family members who were trying to recover from a LOT of crying.  (And they tried to cover it up with a sneezing-fit???) 

After trying to keep my mask from coming unpeeled, we were lucky. A sit down hymn.  So, I didn't have to worry about looking down at the congregation at mom's teary-eyed face because of the lilies along the altar rail.  Unfortunately, it was a good hymn.  A hymn that Grandma usually cries during.  Not to mention the words.  It's a Gaither hymn...which we love.  It's called Because He Lives.  I do want to share some of the words with you, because as I was facing this holiday and everything that is going on in my life I was more than moved by the words. 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future, 
and life is worth the living, just because He lives. 

Anyhow, I was balling by the end and therefore was singing in this raspy voice next to my grandma who was crying every single speck of her water-proof make-up off her face with her hands lifted.  It was almost a blessing to be half-way decently covered from the congregation by the lilies!  :)  It was quite an adventurous morning! 

More than that, I had to deal with family afterward, which wasn't too bad...but it was different.  It was a holiday with my parents divorced...And my mother's fiancee's presence too.  Anyhow, I'm tired of typing.  Perhaps I'll attach a few pictures for you all from this morning's festivities, and even a couple of this afternoon's.  :) 

Conquering the Easter egg hunt.

"What's inside???"

Tricky hide! 

That one was easy!!!

All the baskets!

"That doesn't look like a banana!"

Reading the letter from the Easter Bunny!

The total loot!

Leap Frog!!!


These are my favorite color!!!!  Mini yo-yo and a bunny!

Sammie spent a LOT of time building this for me.  I'm excited!

Mom and her fiancee, Mike.

Grandma finally got a plate of food!!!

Hop, Hop at 1am!

Being the mini-mom that I am, I had a few things to take care of tonight, before I nestled into bed after a long HARD day.  While I didn't spend a fortune making Easter happen, it works and the kiddos will be happy with it.  Though, there is a WHOLE lot of stinkin' chocolate that has been distributed amongst the baskets!  Hoping that I am alive to see morning for the sunrise Easter service!  So, here's some pics from tonight's handy-work! 

The baskets!!!  With the crocheted bunnies by my sister, Nichole!
The Easter Bunny's note, mess, and Noah's Ark eggs!
The impressive hide of the year!
My tired, yet always posing, Helper!
Alright!  That's all the pics I'm posting tonight!  I'm exhausted and I have to be up soon, as in 4 hours from now!  So, I do hope that you all have a blessed Easter!  May you remember that it's more than bunnies and Easter eggs...It's about Christ's love for us to, not only die a HORRIBLE death on the cross for us, but also to conquer death itself so that we can live eternally with our God!!!  Jesus is RISEN!  ALLELUIA! 

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Eggs Galore

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" - 2 Cor 5:17 (NIV)

Today, we died eggs.  It's kind of a process that takes forever when it comes to dealing with a six year-old who is STINKIN' CRAZY!!!  Haha.  He had a good time, but it was WAY too much work for me.  In the meantime, I must admit that I gave the boy brownies.  So, because Nichole and I are both gluten free, I made two batches of brownies.  One set was gluten-free, the other was gluten-full.  They were quite yummy.  So, between the brownies and the dying of the eggs, I'm done.  Not to mention that I went to clean grandma's place earlier this morning after not sleeping much last night.

So, rather than telling you all about the chillins dying eggs, I figured I would let you see the pics!  :)  Here they are!  There's a lot of them!




























Finished products!








Friday, April 22, 2011

Troublemaker

So, I'm beginning to show my lil' sister the movie, The Passion of the Christ.  I haven't seen it in YEARS so I figured this Easter season...I'm due.  Hopefully I don't get in trouble with my momma for showin' her it.  However, I feel like she is mature enough in both life and spiritually to handle the movie.  So, I've already had to give her a few tips on who is who and where in the story the movie is.  It doesn't help that the movie is in subtitles...Haha. 

Anyhow, I'm going to watch the move now.  Just wanted to declare that I am being a trouble maker just by showing her the movie.  Guess we'll see if we get through it tonight...and how well we sleep!  Haha!  :) 

Sistas

This is just a quick post to tell you all how much I adore sisters.  Kind of funky.  But I really do love my sisters to death!  Morgan is my little sister.  She's a legit blood relative.  She's awesome.  She plays the clarinet, so she is playing her songs that her middle school band has been working on.  Right now, she is playing something that is like the best of Glee or something crazy like that.  She is a good clarinetist though, so I'm not complainin'!  I love her.

My next sister is not blood related.  She is Morgan's best friend.  They have known each other, legitimately since they were two.  My mom baby sat her.  She's great.  Those two are growing up so fast!!!!  They will be teenagers soon.  I feel like I'm getting so old so quickly!  It's like I've missed half of their lives while living mine!

Update on what my sista's playin'...now it's some weird song and she has her mouthpiece off and is making a siren like sound.  I don't like this song very much.  And it's really fast, so I can hear her foot banging the ground.  Oh the joys of havin' young players!  :)

I LOVE LOVE LOVE my last sister dearly.  You all know her as Nichole.  I've talked about her before on here.  :)  She isn't related by blood either.  It is by the grace of God that we met and talked to each other even more after knowing each other for over a year!  I sometimes wonder if we'd started talking even sooner if things would still be this awesome.  But somehow I know that it is because we started talking when we both needed a friend most.  So, she is probably the...yeah, cliche comin' in here...she is probably the best thing that has happened to me EVER.  Although, if she ever takes me to a haunted house, that may change.  Haha.  BUT...I have always wanted an older sister, so having someone to look up to when times are rough is really inspiring!  I love her like a sista!  We've decided that sisters are more of what we are than besties!  Lol.  So I call her my sister! 

I love all three of my sisters.  They are my favorite people!  EVER! 

Eloi, Eloi!!!

Good Friday.  Holy Friday.  Great Friday.  Sad Friday.  So many names for one of the least favorite holidays of the Christian year.  However, it is one of my favorite days.  Actually, it is my favorite "holiday."  It isn't because Jesus died today, although that's greatly remembered.  But it is through the solemness of my day that I find peace.  Through the peace, I find atonement which can only happen if Jesus dies. 

We can only understand the true joy and meaning of Easter if we understand the true meaning of Holy Friday. 

So, it's a favorite.  Dearly sorry to those who disagree.  Anyhow, going on...I love what is cried out on the cross as it is written in Mark 15.  It is because it holds a deep meaning within the words.  It's from Psalm 22.  And unlike some theologies, I don't believe that Jesus was calling Himself forsaken by Himself (God).  I believe that Jesus was showing us a way to express our suffering and a promise of the lament.  There are always two parts to the lament (same with Psalm 22).  There is the suffering cry and then there is the praise/affirmation.  So, even just by crying out on the cross, there's still a lesson to be learned.  Sorry for those of you who think I'm going to far with it...but it's just where my heart lies. 

I think this is all I'll post tonight, as I have a busy night ahead of me.  Lots of thinking being done.  Lots of self-examination being done.  But hey, that's what today is all about.  It's Holy Friday. 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Today

So, this post definitely won't be long because of the following information:

OWWWWW!

And going on with life...I had a pretty fantastic day.  Part of it was spent on the campus where I will spend my remaining years of college, which was awesome.  Lots of great news, see post below if ya want to know how it went.  Furthermore, I have gotten to spend time with my adopted sister, found out lots of interesting things, and I had a steak.  Very much exciting.  It was a cheap steak, but a steak nonetheless.  :)

Anyhow, I went to the Maundy Thursday service with her and it was quite different than the usual service that I can recite...although it was much like a Good Friday service, which I'll go to tomorrow.  Haha.  But, hopefully I get a chance to write about my thoughts, especially during the communion time.  Because I sit near the front, okay...the front row, of this church, I hear the pastors as they give the communion elements.  Most pastors seem to have the generic "This is the body of Christ given for you" and "This is the blood of Christ shed for you."  However, some like to shake things up a bit.  So, I was listening to the pastor tonight who kept saying over and over and over "This is the body of Jesus and He gave Himself up for you."  But what really struck me was that she meant it every single time and even with the children, she said "This is from Jesus and He loves you very much."  <--- That makes me smile.  And watching a lil' girl pray at the altar was just priceless.  It reminded me of when I was little...AND I MEAN REALLY little. :)  Maybe I'll speak more about what really got to me latter.  But not now.

HANDS are TOAST for tonight.  One more email and that'll be it.  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.  Too many bad days in a row discourage me.  So yeah.  That was today!  All in all, minus the pain, it was an interesting day!  A fun day!  A good day!

WAHOOOOOO!

(I'm a creeper.)

SO...I had my audition today for the school I'm transferring to...and it went FANTASTIC!  I played well.  And they are giving me scholarship money.  I am SOOOO excited that they aren't making me do marching band to get scholarship money, which is awesome because, with my health, marching band honestly scares me!  I think it is awesome that I get to play in the Wind Ensemble!  AND...take flute lessons and play in the flute ensemble!  My love for music is finally going to be utilized in some way, which I think is a pretty fantastic way! 

Currently, I'm at my dad's place making food, since I was too frantic this morning to eat.  (You would've thought that I've grown out of those days!)  Anyhow, I'm super excited that all of my tuition will be paid for by scholarships, grants, and loans.  Yes, I'll have to pay back the loans in the future, but it's a lot better than what it could be.  So, yes.  I'm thrilled and I just feel like saying that over and over and over!!!

I'm DEFINITELY transferring in the fall.  There is NO question in my mind about that!  YAY!   

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Alive and ???

As I near the end of my stinkin' long day, I have so much to say and so little time to do so.  I hurt pretty badly tonight, so I don't know how much I will type or if I will even remember everything I want to talk about.  Here's the brief form:  auditions, bunnies, birthdays, Easter, FB fun, sista, life plans. 

Auditions
I'm nervous for them.  I know that I shouldn't be.  But I am.  More than that, I'm nervous about finding my way around campus tomorrow!  I don't want to be "that kid."  So, it doesn't help that I also didn't print the campus map before I left home.  Hopefully I don't get turned around and that the campus becomes home VERY soon.  I am looking forward to it though!  I'm looking forward to being on the campus on a school day, meeting the music department staff and the financial aid counselor.  So yeah!  Wahoo.  I love it when things start getting set in stone!  :)

Life Plans
Yes, I know.  I'm going out of order.  I don't care.  As for life plans, I think I am going to keep up with my creative writing english major.  I am hoping to take some technical writing classes and do editing and publishing as a career.  Not crossing off the other options, just not pursuing them at the moment.

Birthdays
My bro's sixth birthday is tomorrow!  It is SOOO exciting for him.  He was super excited tonight when I saw him.  He looks so grown up too!  I can't believe he is already turning six!  CRAZY?!
Also, I've been thinking about various organizations/charities to donate money towards, so if you have any ideas, post 'em in the comments section!  :)  Thus far, I've been thinking about my child I'm sponsoring from World Vision and donating to her community.  Or the endometriosis association.  Or UMCOR for relief in Japan and/or Haiti.  SO...Let me know your pick and/or suggestion!  :)  Oh, and this would be a donation in place of a gift to me for my bday in June! 

Easter
Easter is almost here, and that means that family drama has picked up.  Hoping it calms down soon.  I'm worried about my Grandma too.  She just seems to be pretty......ummmm......stressed.  So, that makes me crazy.  But, Easter is another holiday with traditions in place, so it's going to be weird when we stray from them and when it doesn't seem to go as tradition says we should.  SO...We'll see.  ;)

FB Fun
And with Easter here, I'm approximately a few days until FB returns.  I'm not giving it up for good.  I've prayed about it, and there's just too much on there that I can use for God's glory as well as a great communication device for college students.  So, yeah.  It's stayin'.  However, I will have to watch myself to make sure I don't become completely dependent on it and that it doesn't steal away time from God.  ALSO - I already know what my FB status is going to be as I get back on it.  Lol.  How crazy is that?!  I'm looking forward to it.  ;)  

Sista
So, tonight, I got this amazing lil' crocheted bunny from my awesome older sista!  And that refers to the magnificent Nichole!  :) She isn't my sister by blood, but our friendship has definitely become more like family than just besties.  Can you believe that she just leaves my orange juice cup sitting on the table until I take care of it?  EVEN if it is like a week later?!  Yeah, we're family.  ;)  Now, if only I could get her to come over to my place enough to have her do that...lol.  Yeah, finances suck and make that nearly impossible right now.  But that's okay.  Soon enough we will be incredibly close!!!  YAY! 

BUNNIES!!!!!
The magnificent sister of mine has bunnies.  They are adorable.  ANYHOW, so I'm bunny-sitting while they are away on a cruise.  And I've been pretty nervous about this whole thing for a while now, right!  It doesn't help when she threatens our friendship based on the survival of these bunnies...and of course, she's said this for MUCH longer than just asking me to bunny-sit.  Ha.  SO, now that I'm bunny-sitting, I have been wondering if I can really handle such precious creatures.  But tonight, as we were chasing the bunnies out from underneath her bed, I got to hold the stubborn one!  :) Her name is Emily, and she is the most stubborn bunny EVER!  I've been scared of her since like...Day one.  (My poor sista who is finding all of this out...haha.  I have been, you should have figured this out by now.)  ANYHOW...I'm not so scared.  I know that she will get to know me and that it will be okay.  And I'm learning more and more how to handle them, which is comforting.  I feel like the worst is over with.  I have been able to hold Emily with her relatively calm as she can be!  SO, I am at peace with the whole thing.  The task doesn't seem so big and scary anymore.  YAY!  :D  I love bunnies!!! 

ALRIGHT...So I think that's all I have for you tonight.  I'm in pretty intense pain from writing that, so I'm going to attempt this thing you people call sleep.  Not sure how it will go, but hopefully it will go well.  :)  For now, I am alive and....BUNNIES!!!!  :)
 

LONG-O DAY!

SOOO exciting!  I am hoping to make it home at a decent time today.  I have so many things to do today, it's crazy!  Not to mention the LONG drive home.  I'm also bringing a friend home, so hopefully she can keep me awake.  Running on LOW sleep today.  NOT fun.  But, oh well.  Anyhow, you really don't get much more of a post today.  I'm getting both excited and nervous for my audition tomorrow.  It's really interesting to be auditioning again.  I just haven't done so in a LONG time.  SO...Hopefully that goes well.  Alright...I gotta go!  I'll post more when I can! 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Impossible

Looks like I've waited too long to try to get to sleep.  I still have a lot to do, but because I shower in the mornings, I have to wait to pack quite a bit of my stuff.  SO, it will be an EXTRA early morning.  Most likely, I'll have to be awake and moving by 5:30am at the latest.  However, It seems like an insomnia night.  Great.  Not exactly what I need on a night that is already aging and continues to bring morning more and more quickly!  :-/  I am in hopes that I get to sleep soon.  But, I feel like that may not be the case.  I hurt so badly and I just want to be out of pain.  I lose hope on bad days.  I forget how much energy it takes to wear that mask so that people see you as a human being than as a sick, weak "thing."  I want to feel like I used to.  I want to be able to dance around my room like a crazy teenager and use my hair brush as a microphone!  (Not like I've ever done that before, but it sounds like fun!)  I want to be able to run and play with my lil' sibs.  I want to be able to do the things that I never did but could have.  Sure, I can't go back in time, but I sure would like to live the time I have here on earth like someone normal, rather than whatever "this" life is.  Sucky.  Painful.  Stupid.  Yes, all those words would fit nicely.  I just wish I could cure chronic pain.  I wish the word chronic meant a few hours tops!  And even still, that's highly unlikely.  I wish I didn't have to see women suffer from things like endometriosis and eventually make the decision to get a hysterectomy to try to get out of the pain.  I wish I didn't have to see people who can't get out of the hole, the never ending downward spiral.  I wish I didn't have to see such a thing as pain!  Now that I'm in constant pain, it makes me ever more aware to those who have been dealing with it far longer than I have.  It makes me sad to think that so many people deal with things like this.  I just wish they didn't.  I just wish that we didn't have to deal with the pain and the people who don't understand.  Yeah, at one point in time, I had no idea what chronic pain meant.  I could read all I want about it, and I still said things that I shouldn't have said.  However, now...it hurts in more ways than one.  Ha.  Anyhow, I'll stop my sad story.  But I won't stop wishing for the impossible.  Because it seems impossible that I would have such great sibs and a Grandma who loves me and encourages me no matter what.  And it seemed impossible that my parents would ever get a divorce and that we would live through it.  And here we are.  And it seemed impossible that I would ever get an older sister, but I gotta admit, I got the best one out there...who loves me for me, knows me inside and out, and is the big sister I always wanted!  So, I'll never stop wishing for the impossible.  You never know what you might get!

Packing Procrastination

While I'm waiting on laundry to finish in the dryer, I thought I would write a blog post.  :)

So, I definitely should have started packing this morning because all this at once is making me hurt even more, and it's starting to get late, so exhaustion has taken over!  Let's see...what else?!

Oh...I'm learning a new language.  Swahili is incredibly hard to learn...not as bad as it could be, like Hebrew or Arabic.  HOWEVER, I seem to want to learn it in a hurry.  So, it's taking more time than I want it to.  I have so much more to learn in this life.  I just don't feel like learning one language should take so long.  It's not fair to those of us who want to know everything.  Haha.  Suppose that's why God created so many languages.  :)

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life.  I'm getting a bit frantic about figuring it out too.  I suppose this is what many of my classmates went through a couple years ago, but I thought I was so set on what I wanted to do, that I didn't worry about it.  Now, that's changed...so, life goals are being reevaluated.  I'm a little nervous to see if I can be a starving author in this world.  I feel like I would be a complete failure at being an author as a career.  I'm not scared of it.  I can write when I really want to, and I know with training I can be better.  I just don't know about it as a career, especially since I've loved it as a release for so many years - I don't want it to turn out like my love for my flute did.  NOW...with that being said, I think I could manage being a teacher.  I might even enjoy it.  Although, I have no clue if I could manage MS or HS, so I'm not too sure about it.  And I don't know how much more it would add to my schooling either.  I think I would go nuts in teaching classes.  Plus, the CBASE just doesn't sound entertaining since I haven't done math in forever, nor any of the other things covered on it.  Lol.  SO...That doesn't leave me with too many options if I cross off teaching...on the surface.  On the contrary, it leaves the entire world of English untouched.  I think I would love to work for a publishing company.  To be an editor would be a huge deal for me.  I'm horrible at editing my own work, but I can criticize others and edit others.  So, right now, I think professional writing would be awesome.  Even further than that, I'd love to work with a textbook company for Elementary, Middle, and High School textbooks.  I would want to be the editor to make sure everything is clear and that it looks attractive to students to have them actually read it, rather than let it collect dust. 

Anyhow, those are my current professional what I want to do with my life thoughts.  I think if I sit much longer, I'm not going to get the rest of my stuff done, so that's all I have for ya for now!  Home-bound tomorrow afternoon!  YAY!!!  Adios!!!

In Control

Today hasn't been what I call fun.  I woke up, and I could hardly move this morning.  Texting my best friend was nearly impossible.  It felt like my fingers were long strips of tough rubber that couldn't bend, not to mention the pain I felt in my knuckles.  The medicines seem to work, however, they do wear off as time goes on.  So, I've become completely dependent on them...apparently.  I just hope they keep working.  As I sit here typing, though I have taken my meds today, I feel the storms being prepared for tonight.  It's severe storm weather that is coming.  It is severe storm weather my body is preparing for.  Lol.  You know how people always say that animals can sense things like the weather changes or when something is wrong...I feel like an animal some days.  Lol.  I can sense those things too.  But, I gotta admit, I'd rather leave those things to the animals than experience it myself.  It's painful. 

So today has been kind of boring.  I've watched some Roswell.  I talked to my Aunt D for a few minutes before she had to leave because she wants to miss the storms going home.  I did three questions on a piece of homework.  Other than that, I haven't done much.  OH...I did the dishes too.  I suppose that made me productive, though not as productive as I needed to have been. 

The sky is darkening. The sun hasn't shone its face today.  It has hidden itself behind the cloud cover for most of the day.  Now, it is sinking as the earth rotates.  The wind is blowing the trees like crazy.  They are nearly parallel to the ground when the wind blows.  With every blow, I cringe.  I feel my hands becoming stiffer even now.  But, this is what it seems to be like whether the weather is going crazy or it is a "normal" day. 

I suppose you are wondering what the plan is for tonight.  I am going to watch more Roswell, if my internet will come back online long enough to watch it.  I am going to lay in bed.  I'm going to try not to take too much Tylenol because I know it won't work to ease the pain.  HERE'S the fun part:  I'm going to do laundry.  AND I'm going to pack.  BECAUSE I get to do something incredibly exciting in less than 24 hours!!!  I GET TO GO HOME!!!

I have no idea how my body will handle the four hour drive home, but it will have to deal with the pain.  Why?  Because I said so.  I may be dependent on my medicines, but that doesn't make me a crazy drug addict.  I'm still in control of this body.  I'm still in control of what I do.  I give in to my body sometimes.  I let it control my day...And sometimes, it seems like I have no choice.  But I hold the reigns.  I am in control.

Why?  Because I said so. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

Thunderstorms

When I was a kid, I used to watch the thunderstorms come and go.  I hated them when I was real young, or so I think.  They scared me.  Mom used to tell me that the angels were bowling in heaven.  And when lightening struck, it was because someone got a "strike."  Clever, right?  Yes, I know most mommies tell this to their children, or some similar tale. 


When I got older, like high school, I began to love thunderstorms.  Not because the bowling tale was believable, but because I found it absolutely phenomenal that the heavens could do something so powerful that would shake the ground beneath my feet and rattle the house, or light up the sky with one stroke of light.  It was interesting.  I used to sit on the front porch of a friend's house and watch them with her.  I remember a time like this when she told me her life story.  We must have been out there for hours.  By the end, I was practically in tears.  Now, I'd like to keep her name confidential just because it's polite and I didn't ask her if I could share her story anyway.  But here's the brief story.  She was abused as a kid by her father.  She watched as her sisters were thrown against the wall for no good reason.  Her mother was abused.  Her mother has MS.  After her mother was handicapped by this horrendous condition, my friend took over the responsibilities of the household while her sisters (3 of them) lived their lives.  (Her parents divorced when she was young.)  She was home-schooled until fifth grade.  By the age of 11, she knew how to balance a checkbook as she took care of paying all of the bills.  She attempted to get her sisters to follow a chore chart.  In reality, she did most of the cleaning.  If the cleaning didn't get done by her, it didn't get done.  Period.  She took care of her mother.  Giving her shots when necessary or medicines.  Making her mother's doctor appointments.  I'm pretty sure she mastered every life skill by the age of 12.  I had no idea what to say or what to do.  I was probably in 8th grade, maybe 9th grade listening to this story from a girl who had hardly said anything EVER to me.  Turns out she was one of the only people I could share my heart with, and I did that sparingly because my life seemed so insignificant to hers.  Nonetheless, I still think about sitting on that porch speechless every time a thunderstorm rolls around.  I wonder what fascinated her about thunderstorms.  I never asked.  Perhaps I should have.  We hardly stay in contact anymore now that she's a married woman with her whole life ahead of her, but she is still one of the greatest Christians I have ever known...


Thunderstorms are hard on my body, but I still love to watch them.  I'm looking forward to them tomorrow, even though it will probably rain out the event I'm supposed to help with, but probably won't end up going at all so I can see my Aunt D.  :)  BUT...Without a doubt, as I'm watching the storms with a cup of orange juice (since I can't find a gluten-free hot chocolate mix) and a good book, I will remember that porch.  I can see it in my mind right now, her face.  The solemness that she spoke with as she spilled her life to me.  I remember trying my hardest to hold back the tears that wanted to flow from my eyes.  I remember the feeling of how blessed, how IMMENSELY blessed I felt after hearing her story. 


It's amazing what thunderstorms can do...

Connected

I guess my natural inclinations of being a college student LOVES that class was canceled today for my 2pm class.  I gotta admit, that class isn’t my favorite.  It is a hard class, because I have NO clue what the professor wants.  It’s three weeks til the end of the semester, and I am TERRIFIED of the final.  We haven’t had any tests in this class, so I’m going into the final blind.  Anyhow, that class was canceled so I’m extremely happy for the break. 

Also, I have no clue what I’m supposed to do tomorrow.  There is this Shakespearean Renaissance Fair that the English Society is putting on tomorrow, but I haven’t been to a meeting in forever, so I have no idea what I am supposed to do for it.  I’ve thought about just skipping out and abandoning the English Society for the rest of the semester.  I know they really don’t care, except for one particular person whom I’ve become very fond of.  She is willing to sit and watch Netflix with me and call it a good time!  So, that’s especially awesome.  PLUS, we get to sit in the car with each other for nearly four hours on Wednesday as we make the trek homeward.  I’m looking forward to the conversation.  We had a great time last time talking about anything and everything from boys to women’s health, and music to Jesus.  SO…I can’t wait to see what this car ride brings. 

Really, I can’t wait to be home.  HOME for good.  Well, until I move on with my life and get my own.  I can’t wait to see my best friend in the whole wide world who understands me better than I understand me most of the time.  And my sibs and Grandma.  SOOOO exciting.  Oh, and the parentals.  Haha…But, yes…I can’t wait to be home. 

Thought of the day…I would die without technology.  I hardly made it through this morning without technology.  I didn’t have my phone or internet available this morning.  Not being able to connect to those who are all the way across the state from me is a CRAZY idea.  So, I’m definitely connected.  There’s no other way at this point in time…snail mail is just that…snail mail.  Lol. 

Anyhow, I think that’s all I have for you.  I love the movie How to Train your Dragon!!!     

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Desires

Tonight was hard.  I watched a movie while curled up in a ball trying to ignore the pain.  It was not the typical love story, as one might imagine.  But it portrayed one of our desires as humans to be more than one.  So, I wrote another haiku.  Call me crazy.  I'm still not the greatest with them...yet.  But, I figure I'll master this, as one says that it is the hardest type of poem to write, and call it quits on poetry.  Anyhow, although it wasn't the typical boy meets girl, they fall in love, have sex, get married kind of movie, it still got the point across.  Not going to lie, I want more than just me.  It's been just me for almost 20 years now.  I know that people say that I have plenty of time left, but I want someone who is willing to take my mind of things when I need them to and to talk about the serious stuff when needed.  Someone to cuddle into when I feel alone.  I desire more than just me. So here is the haiku, The Desire for More...

The Desire for More 
A Haiku by Samantha Fomera
Sense of loneliness.
Lacking, only one am I.
Two will come in time?

Sweet Sunday

So today is SUNDAY!!!  In fact, today is Palm Sunday, which is one of my favorite times in the church because it is when we recognize the beginning of Holy Week as the people welcomed Jesus shouting "Hosanna" as He came into Jerusalem.  It is when we welcome Jesus into our lives as King and let Him reign in our hearts!  :)  SO...It is always really exciting!  

Church was refreshing today.  The pastor talked about me (name-less) in the sermon today.  It was kind of strange, but vague that in a 3,000-member church, it doesn't really matter.  It could have been just about anyone!  But that's okay.  I'll admit that I've been angry at God lately.  But, He knows that.  OH, He DEFINITELY knows that.  And so, we are getting through.  We always do.  Sometimes it takes longer than others.  And sometimes, more damage is done than other times.  So, it just depends.  But, as life seems to be going in the right direction and as I'm beginning to get excited about transferring and moving back close to home, it makes me praise God more than yell at Him.  Sure, there are still days where all I do is yell.  But, He cried out on the cross, so I am MORE than welcome to express my feelings too.  (A little snippet of what I learned at church today.  Well, more like what I was validated...)  

Anyhow, I got home from church, did a little reading, and watched a cute movie.  Worked on a little devotion for the Pray. Study. Grow. devotional material my church puts out in the bulletin every week.  And now, I'm going to relax.  Read a bit.  Finish up left-over homework.  And enjoy my sweet Sunday.  I'm not stressed at all about this week.  It should be good!  So, happy SHORT week!!!  Lookin' forward to being home for Easter and seeing my family and Sista!!!  :)  

OH...SWEET SUNDAY!!!! 

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Planning Ahead

I know.  I've written a lot today.  And my hands really won't handle much more.  But I wanted to talk about planning ahead.  I'm working on assignments that aren't due until Wednesday, even NEXT Monday, but it is still good to do.  On the other hand, the valuable information that I obtain this week or this weekend may not be of use unless I go back and revise, so who knows whether this all was a good thing or not.  

Furthermore, on the topic of planning ahead, I have been gearing up for transferring.  While I am super excited for it, I have to get through the process of registration and auditions first.  I am auditioning for the music program at this university near home on Thursday.  I'm fairly excited about it, but I'm a little nervous.  I've been playing my flute all weekend trying to remember every tip I ever heard about playing the flute!  I'm sure Big Foot (the neighbor upstairs) has been appreciating my work in my upper register.  :)  

ALSO...Helping plan my mother's wedding is pretty awkward.  I know we are planning ahead, though I'm not sure how far ahead, but it is still weird.  I always thought she and I would be planning my wedding about this time, not the other way around.  More than that, some of the things she's asking us to do are a bit odd or different than any wedding I've ever been to.  Granted, I haven't been to any weddings of people who are going for their second marriage.  Anyhow, it's just strange.  Maybe I'll get used to it by the time the day comes.  

Well, my hands are done.  Church is in the morning.  THEN...a movie day.  I feel I deserve it after the 10.5 hour marathon of homework today and the 7 hour marathon yesterday evening.  SO...I will have some sort of break tomorrow, though I have one more assignment that is pending due to class participation.  (Gotta love group assignments, with no coordination during class time, assigned on Fridays and due on Monday...They make no sense to me.)  Anyhow...That's it.  Gotta love planning ahead!

Hidden Pain

Most of you will recognize this story if you read my blog on a normal basis, but there are a few plot revisions.  The story seems much more stream-lined now, in my opinion.  Feel free to comment on it below!  Here is the revision of the story No Blood.  Here is Hidden Pain:


Hidden Pain
            I’ve always hated hospitals.  So when my friend, Rory, asked me to take her to the emergency room after our all-night marathon of movies, I was not the one who jumped right in and screamed “YES!”  In fact, I tried to figure out every possible way to get out of taking her.  However, since her mom was out of town and every other person in this world was busy, I was the only possible answer.  She pleaded with me to take her as tears strolled down her face.  Thus, I drove Rory, in my 2001 Chevy Malibu, across town to the emergency room. 
            This wasn’t the everyday sort of issue that you would think to see in the emergency room.  There was no blood.  No broken bones.  It was just excruciating body-wide pain caused by another lupus flare.  One would have thought that the exceedingly large amount of pain killers that she’s been prescribed would have stopped the pain long before an ER visit was necessary.  I found it bizarre that I was going to spend a glorious Saturday afternoon in the emergency room. 
            Registration seemed to take forever.  Rory had nine medications that they had to enter into their system.  Some were taken only one time a day and then there were others that she would take two pills here and two again later and if it was really a bad day then she could take this medicine.  Needless to say, I had a headache by the end of it.  All of Rory’s vitals were normal.  No surprise there.  She looked fine to me and perfectly fine to the registration people.  So, we were directed to go to the waiting room.  Actually, we had our choice of three waiting rooms.  Big whoop; I think we chose the worst one, but Rory didn’t want to move. 
            The room was plain.  The lights were dim and the walls were beige.  Nothing hung on the walls except a clock.  It was a big clock.  The clock had a second-hand that counted the moments spent in the waiting room.  The moments I was wasting away, on my only free weekend, sitting in a room that smelled like my grandma’s attic.  I was beginning to think otherwise about this friendship.  I had things to do, people to see.  I didn’t understand.  Rory has had these flares before.  Why did she have to come to the ER today?  Rory seemed fine all night.  Except for the few dizzy spells she had, but she didn’t seem to be caught off guard by them.  I didn’t want to be there.  I felt like I was getting sick just sitting in that room.  My mind was racing!  I even began to feel a bit light-headed. 
            Rory got out her cell phone.  Can you believe that she texted me?  I was sitting right next to her and she sent me a text rather than just talking to me!  I can’t even remember exactly what it said.  Something along the lines:  “Sorry for making you wait so long.  Hope you don’t mind waiting with me.”  At least she tried to show that she cared that I was here. 
            A young man walked into the room and took a seat across from Rory and me.  His cap nearly hid his black, shaggy hair.  His wire-frame glasses did not provide much protection from the sight of a tear sliding down his acne-filled face.  Why was he here?  What was wrong with him?  Again, there was no blood.  I didn’t understand. 
            Rory began to stare at this young man.  He was probably about our age anyway.  Except for the puffy eyes, he wasn’t too bad to look at.  Tears started rolling down Rory’s face.  I wasn’t sure what to do.  Was she crying because this man was crying?  He hadn’t said a word to us.  But something about him must have struck Rory strong enough to cause her to cry. 
            I tried to focus on what I was doing.  I was evaluating the room and counting the seconds spent in this boring, badly-decorated room.  Rory got out of her chair to throw away her tissues she had used to wipe her tears.  She took great care with each step, making sure she didn’t put too much pressure on either leg.  The way she hunched over reminded me again of my grandma.  I shook my head as if I were shaking out the memory. 
            When I came back to real life, Rory was pushing the buttons on her phone ever so slowly as if it was work to do so.  I wondered if she was back to texting me.  No, she must have updated her Facebook status.  If that was the case, it would only be moments before it would arrive at my phone.  A few weeks ago, I had set my Facebook settings to allow it to send her status updates to my phone as soon as they were posted. 
            Yes, she had updated her Facebook status, but her status confused me.  “Rory Holland is in the ER again.  Ugh.”   Again?  What did that mean?  Had she been in the ER before?  She did seem to breeze through registration as if she knew exactly what to do.  Although, Rory was older than me and she had been a nurse for a few years now.  Maybe she knew what to do because of her work experience.  Still, it didn’t explain her status.  What did “again” mean?  I resolved to ask her later, though I have yet to ask her and it’s been years since that Saturday spent in the ER.
            As I was saying, the young man that had come in earlier seemed atypical.  He had stopped crying now.  His eyes were focused.  I tried to trace what his eyes were looking at so intensely.  When I realized it was a red light switch, I chuckled.  Everyone in the room gave me a death glare, as if I were some crazy, old woman cackling in the quiet library!  It was only a red light switch.  What was so fascinating about it that his gaze would be fixed on a light switch?  Hadn’t he seen a light switch?  Sure, it was red but there was nothing special about it.  It worked the same way as every other light switch in the world.  It was the only colorful thing in the room, where everything was beige.  I wondered if Rory understood why he was staring at the red light switch.  In fact, after updating her Facebook status, she too began to stare at the switch like it was some magical switch that wanted to be turned on so that everyone could be cured of their illnesses.  It was ridiculous.  I whispered her name, “Rory.  Rory.”  It seemed useless to say it a third time.  I opted to poke her.  Her body was hot, as if it had been in a sauna, rather than this waiting room.  Rory swatted her hand back at me.  She hated being poked.  She said that it hurt when people touched or hugged her.  If that was the case, I can’t imagine what it was like to have the blood pressure cuff on her arm when registration took her vitals!  Her gaze moved away from the switch.  I still did not have any clue what the magic was behind the switch. 
            Rory got up.  She went to sit next to this guy.  I didn’t think Rory was one to pick up guys in the emergency room, so I eavesdropped. 
            “Hey, my name is Rory.  How are you doing?”
            “I’ve always hated that question.  It’s not like it matters anyway,” he said.
            “I hate that question too.  Sorry.  So, what are your plans tonight?” asked Rory.
            There it was.  Or so I thought.  Rory was picking up a date at the emergency room.  How unfair!
            “Nothing.  I don’t have plans,” he said.
            “Okay.  That’s cool.  You can sit back and chill at home.  I told you my name.  But, you haven’t told me your name yet.”
            “It’s Dylan,” he said as they shook hands.  He pulled his hand away quickly as he pulled his long sleeves back down across his forearms that looked like they had been in a losing battle with a cat. 
            Rory and Dylan didn’t say much to each other after that.  She just sat across the room with him.  I wasn’t really sure what to think.  She didn’t set up a date or anything with this guy.  She just sat there with him.  Rory reminded me of a visit to my grandma.  My grandma simply sat in her faded, pink recliner rocking back and forth clinging to her favorite afghan.  She never said a word my entire visit.  All of her memories were gone.  She had no idea who was sitting next to her.  She had no idea who her granddaughter was, nonetheless, the girl who learned how to cook at her grandma’s right-hand.  She had no idea that I admired her more than anyone else in the entire world.  So, for two whole hours, I sat on the loveseat where we used to cuddle, share stories, and eat the most delicious macaroni and cheese that anyone has ever tasted.  That time, I did nothing, said nothing, and didn’t cry a single tear. 
            “Mr. Stevenson,” the nurse called, “We’re ready for you.”
            The nurse’s deep voice brought me back to reality.  I watched as the middle-aged man, who was sitting under the clock, limped across the room.  “Looks like a sprained ankle,” I whispered under my breath.  Rory nodded my way in agreement.  I smiled back in hopes that she was feeling better and we could just leave.  I was tired of sitting and waiting.  Patience has never been a virtue I’ve been blessed with having. 
            I hoped that we would get a room soon.  I was tired of this plain room.  I was tired of seeing hurting people pile into this small room.  Of course, I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that I was annoyed with the people who were able to get a room before us.  I just wanted to be home.  I didn’t like just sitting.  I didn’t know what to say or what to do.  Rory seemed to have everything under control. 
            Dylan got up.  I wondered where he might be headed.  He was the only one we had talked to the entire time we were here, not counting the registration nurse. 
            “Where’s the bathroom?” Dylan asked.
            I overheard the nurse, who had sat outside the door ever since Dylan arrived, say, “It’s this way.  I have to take you there.  It’s part of procedure.” 
            Dylan was at the restroom for a long while.  Guess he had some business to take care of.  I chuckled again.  This time, the only stare I received was from Dylan who had just walked back into the room.  It wasn’t an evil stare, just an acknowledgement of my laughter.  The nurse returned his station outside the door, looking in the room every couple minutes.  It was like Dylan had a baby-sitter, someone to look after him to make sure he didn’t do anything wrong or hurt himself.
            I looked at the big clock.  I was more than impatient.  We had been at the ER for over an hour and a half and I was ready to be home.  I wanted to get home in time for dinner.  Dad had told me last night before I left for Rory’s that he was grilling for dinner tonight.  I pictured a big, juicy steak with grilled potatoes covered in butter and seasonings.  Yes, I was hoping to make it home in time for dinner. 
            It had been months since I last missed dinnertime.  In April, I went to see my grandma in her assisted living facility.  By this time, her memory was gone entirely.  I don’t think she knew where she was.  She would utter things, but they wouldn’t make sense.  She didn’t move at all.  They had moved her pink recliner to the assisted living facility, but the nurses had trouble lifting her out of such a well-loved chair.  Many times when I had gone to see her, she was in bed, with nine or ten pillows surrounding her and underneath her providing support from any potential sores.  It was a pitiful sight.  She wasn’t even able to be in her own bed.  They had to bring in a hospital bed.  Machines were all over the place; cords traced along the baseboards.  Nothing in her apartment-like room seemed like the grandma I once knew and loved.  I tried to talk to her like I used to, but it just wasn’t the same as before she lost her memory.  The conversations were awkward.
            I heard grandma mumble something incomprehensible.  The machine flat lined.  I didn’t know what to do.  I felt so helpless.  I frantically called out for the nurse.  Within minutes they were rushing my grandma out the door and into an ambulance.  I was left standing in the room to decide whether to go to the hospital or stay behind. 
            I called my mom as I was on the way to the emergency room.  She was going to meet me there.  I wasn’t sure how much good it would do.  I hoped and prayed the doctors could bring her back to life.  After hours of sitting in a plain ER waiting room with bad magazines, the doctor informed us of the news.  Grandma didn’t make it.  I ran out of the hospital crying and vowing never to return.
            But, there I was.  I was in the very hospital waiting room that I learned the news of my grandma’s death.  I was in the very hospital that I vowed never to return to at the request of my best friend.  Exactly six months later, I was sitting in the very spot where I learned of my grandma’s death. 
            Rory handed me a tissue.  “Oh, thanks,” I said, sniffling and wiping my eyes.
            “No problem.  Is everything alright?” she asked.
            I wasn’t sure what to respond.  I nodded yes.  I hated crying.  I just missed my grandma so much.  And I had never thought I would return to this place.  “How are you feeling?”
            “Like shit, but hopefully I’ll be able to go back soon.  My chest hurts so badly!  I feel like I’m having a heart attack,” Rory said.
            “Are you having a heart attack?”  I asked frantically.
“No.  That’s highly unlikely.  It’s just what it feels like.  Not too pleasant,” Rory said.
“Well, sorry you feel so bad.  I hope the doctors are able to stop the pain.”  I said this in hopes that it would perk up my mood towards the doctors.  Perhaps there was still a chance that they could earn their spot on my good list.  They didn’t do so well on the last attempt.  But somehow, I knew that my grandma was already dead to me before the doctors even made it to her bedside.  She had slowly died over the months and years of her memory loss. 
            “Me too,” Rory said with a hint of optimism. 
            Rory’s optimism always kept me going.  It was her shining feature.  Even when the worst of situations were at hand, she was always the encourager who was helping everyone to keep going no matter what.  Rory was the kind of person that stood up for what was right, even if she was standing alone. 
            I glanced over at Dylan.  “Is he alright?” I asked Rory.  His hazel eyes squinted and were focused once more on that red light switch. 
            “No, he isn’t right now.  But he will be.”  Rory gave a soft smile.  She must have known something that I didn’t know.  I probably had missed some conversation in the midst of my wandering mind. 
            The red light switch had seemed so insignificant before now.  The big clock ticked the moments away from my Saturday.  But it was still plain; the most colorful thing in the room was the red switch.  Why was it red?  Couldn’t they have chosen a color other than the color of blood?  Why didn’t they choose a color different than that which provokes anger and pain? 
            It was noticeable.  I had finally found an answer to my question.  In the emergency room, the color red is noticed.  I just wasn’t in a place to notice it before.  Rory had no blood.  No broken bones.  Yet pain was evident.  Even Dylan, who was eventually taken to the psych ward, had pain.  I just had to learn to look past the obvious to see the hidden pain.