Back to Normal???

I had to really contemplate about what I wanted to title this blog.  Honestly, things in my life are not back to normal.  After the craziness off the last blog post (Aka Life Lived), there have been quite a few changes in my life and in the world around me.  I'll try to separate it out into categories, but they really seem to mix together as the story of my life comes into focus............

Health
I really haven't made much progress in my health realm.  I have been put on pain medication and that has helped bring the pain levels down when they are bad.  I am also trying this patch that feeds medicine into me every hour or so.  It helped a little bit the first week, but then I had to start taking my pain meds again because I felt I was back to the normal pain levels - high.  Yesterday I started to get the first migraine that I have had since I started my new migraine preventative called topamax.  It has stayed under a 5 on the pain scale so it hasn't gotten bad yet.  I am hoping it stays that way and goes away soon!  My eyes hurt from the light sensitivity!!!  Regardless, I will still work on the computer, text on my phone, and go to classes, etc.

School
This is becoming a pain.  Some of my professors are not so accommodating to excuse my absences and accept my homework that is coming in late to her.  I am somewhat annoyed by this particular professor's actions and words.  They really strike someone with chronic pain right in the heart.  I've missed 9 out of her 43 class periods.  She allows 5 excused absences without grades being knocked down.  And she pretty much told me that I can't miss any more class periods.  She wants to know why I am missing test days and quizzes....I told her I can't predict when my health is going to keep me in bed.  Regardless, she still wants to know why I am not in class and why I've missed 25% of her class.  (There goes my participation grade)  I just don't think I can handle her any longer.  From now on, I'm pushing myself beyond anything and even if I don't think I can do it...by golly, I'm going to that damn class!!!  She wants me there that badly, I suppose.  There's a reason I went through the trouble of going to the disability office.
ALSO...I'm considering whether or not I should register for classes at the community college in the Spring.  I need to meet with a representative to talk about nursing school, which is extremely exciting to me.  However, I have people like my father or others who have told me that I should consider taking time off to figure out what I want to do before I spend all the money in loans, etc, to go to school.  Also, I have realized that I don't think I can get scholarships through the community college.  Especially because I am not pursuing further education after the community college, yet.  I really just want to be done with school and everything that is going on but it never seems to end.  That's why I think there is part of me that wants to be done and just wants to take a break.  But, I am afraid that I will never go back once I stop.  Especially because, I will get a full-time job and I will be working.  I doubt I will want to go back to school.  I have really thought about it and I wonder what it would be like to not be in school.  Honestly, I've never really had that before.  Even summers were preparation for the next school year.  Regardless, I will probably register for a science class or two...probably three to make sure I'm full-time.  Then I'll take it from there.  Maybe my schedule will allow me to work a normal-ish job in the day and take classes on set days or in the evenings.  Who knows?!

Family
Nichole is back to work after Mr. Jalen left for Heaven.  She is doing multiple cases but her goal is to work a night case full-time from 7pm to 7am.  I was against it at first because I LOVE our evenings together, it's my favorite time of the day.  However, it is what Nichole wants, and I want her to be happy (plus, there's other reasons that I can't list here because I just can't.  Sorry.)  Nichole and I are phenomenal together.  We have fights just like any other couple, but we make up...like some couples.  We love each other with all that we have and we share openly with each other all that we have.  I know that we are both stressed out of our minds though right now.  Between finances, moving, and various issues, we are nuts.
WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
We move in on November 30th.  It is only a studio apartment, so it is small, but not too small.  We have mostly figured out where everything is going, but we have a LOT of stuff that isn't going to fit, so we are making other arrangements for those.  SO MUCH PACKING TO DO!!!!  I am excited to be moving again and especially in with Nichole!  And the bunnies will be free-roaming bunnies!  AND...we will be closer to schools and work! :)  OH...Speaking of work.....

Work
I'm back to work!  And I have two new managers....both are guys.  One is really weird and the other is cool. I am gonna go insane with all the new people.  But hey, I guess that's the ups of being good at my job and helping out the ones who are just starting.  ;)  I am only working weekends to keep the stress down and at the lovely request of my fiance.  So yep.

I think that is all I have for you.  Lots of changes.  I am really kinda crazy about everything going on.  I'm behind in just about everything you can imagine.  But hey......At least things are kinda back to normal????

Shift in the Wind

I know I have been an absolutely horrible blogger as of late.  And I know I probably say that every time.  BUT SERIOUSLY!!!  I mean it.  So, needless to say, I have a lot to mention....

I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!!  I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE).  I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it.  I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it.  At least I have answers when some people don't even have those!  Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect.  I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable.  I feel like I have the flu, only not really.  It feels worse.  And it feels worse every day.  I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day.  There are worse days, but never better days.  So, my normal day becomes a good day.  That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there.  I couldn't sleep last night.  I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable).  I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!!  SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......

A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good.  She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well.  The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk.  My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome.  Other than that, things with the family are pretty good.  Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack.  And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies).  They made the move quick and easy.  ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!!  ;)

SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life.  I want to be a school nurse.  Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know.  The average college student changes their major 5 times.  I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time.  BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again.  Why?

I love kids.

I love helping people.

I love educating people.

Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher.  So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me.  I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth.  (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.)  I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel.  But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything.  I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though.  And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help.  And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health.  Perhaps I'm crazy.

I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing.  A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people.  I want to help people in this way.  And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead.  I am good at the sciences anyway.  They come easily to me.  I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school.  LOL!!!

While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that.  I think.  I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.

It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups.  Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level.  And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind.  Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.

Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........

Family

It's been a while since I posted, so I figured I would today!  First and foremost, happy independence day!  Welcome to mid-summer!  Hope you all are staying cool and DRY?!  It looks like it will be an okay night for fireworks, considering it was pouring all afternoon/evening yesterday!!!  So that's exciting!  I heard rumor that we were shooting off our own fireworks tonight at Nichole's place.  I haven't done that in YEARS, so while I'm not lighting them, I want to make sure to give others a hard time about it.  Just kidding!!!  (Kind of...lol.)

Since it is July, the Kelly family is gearing up to go OUT OF THE COUNTRY?!?!?!  I take them to the airport on Friday afternoon for them to leave for their Baltic Cruise.  I am terribly jealous, because I know they are going to have a PHENOMENAL TIME!!!!!!!  Plus, I've never been out of the country, nor on a cruise ship, and they get to do both!  So, that's really exciting for Nichole and her family.  It'll be exciting to hear all of their stories when they return.  As they gear up to go cruisin', I am learning all I can about taking care of their pets.  They have two dogs (easy!!!), two bunnies (which are ADORABLE), and two birds (which seem easy, but still are a bit scary).  Today, I got out the bunnies to love on them a while while Nichole was at work.  They are so cute and totally worth the coated clothes!!!  Okay, legitimately, my clothes are COVERED in bunny fur.  I changed completely afterwards.  As I'm getting to know the bunnies and being able to get them out by myself, I'm feeling more comfortable with taking care of them.  I don't want their animals to be cooped up in a cage for two weeks, so being able to get them out and back in without any huge obstacles is comforting!!!  And while Ashes likes to cuddle, Emily is active and fun to play with.  She is slowly growing on me!  :)  As for the birds, I'm learning.  They are seeming easier to handle than what I first imagined.  Ruby, the African Grey, doesn't really care for me, but I'm learning tricks for how to deal with her. I learned how to feed Freckles, the cockatiel, last night.  He isn't too bad, and while he enjoys flying, he was hurt last week in a flying adventure so in recovering for that, he is not flying much.  His wings were clipped.  So, while he may not like me very much, at least I don't have to chase him around too much! Haha.  The dogs, Bailey and Clyde, are easy to take care of.  They like their food wet, which is gross, but whatever?!  Lol.  They are the most laid back, well-behaved dogs I have EVER encountered!!!  They listen to me better than my own dog, Jax, listens to me!!!  So, needless to say, I'm learning how to take care of their most precious family additions.  

I'm much better today than I was yesterday.  I really don't like this new med that I started last week.  It makes me extremely tired and groggy.  I sleep 10+ hours a night, which I really can't afford to get into the habit of.  No issue of insomnia there!!!  My body hurts still, but what's new?!  I am doing better in the long run, but I still seem to be in more pain than I should be in.  After a talk with my best friend last night, I think it would probably be best to try a different course in meds or something!  The physical therapy is helping, but outside of the sessions, I'm not doing the greatest at keeping up with it.  The exercises are not as simple as they seem and I fear I am doing them wrong when I do them.  BUT, it is nice to walk out of a PT session with pain levels as low as 1!  Hopefully, my rheumatologist can figure out why my rheumatoid factor is high and why I still have tons of joint pain even though I'm on a medicine used to treat rheumatoid arthritis.  I should see some sort of difference two months into the med, right???  Anyway, I think as my life gets put back in order and I catch up on my finances, the lowered stress will be able to lower my pain levels a bit too.  Perhaps not to a zero, but at least some.  

Okay, I'm getting bored of talking about my health, so on to something else?!

Oh, I was able to visit some family from England yesterday.  That was fun!  Exhausting, but good!  I am still struggling to figure out some things regarding my more immediate family, but that's not for the blogging world to see.  Sorry!  But, prayers are appreciated as I discern what to do and how to go about doing it!  Thanks!

Anything else you want to know, you can always comment or email me!  Beyond that, I'm done.  

M&Ms....

Recently, I was put on a muscle relaxer.  The muscle relaxer does pretty well, but the pill is powdery and has a HORRIBLE taste.  It actually makes me sick to my stomach if I take it and do not eat something or drink something to get rid of the taste.  Usually, I keep M&Ms around to help with that!  They have kind of been my constant companion since my best friend told me that they were gluten-free!  :)  I also eat them for comfort, which isn't the greatest, but they make me a lil' happier when I'm down in the dump!  

There's a lot that I try to do to make me feel better.  I think it is interesting how each person, especially those with chronic pain, has those things that help them make it through the day.  I must say that my number one comfort is praying, or even just holding, my rosary.  I love to clench the cross, even though my hand is all red after doing so.  I do like eating them M&Ms.  Watching Netflix is top on my list too.  Anything that requires little effort but takes the concentration off of the pain helps.  Crocheting is fun to do because of how relaxing it is and then there is the enjoyment of finishing a project.  I have never made anything for myself other than a couple scarves when I was first starting, so I'm really excited about this blanket I am making! :)  Obviously, I like writing blogs to get out emotion and thoughts.  I also like to research Africa and different missionary programs or trying to learn the language - Swahili.  OR, learning more about Catholic beliefs...but I have to be half-way decently alive for that to happen.  :)  Right now, I'm watching my best friend play Tap Tap on my iPhone...on the hard level.  I am not coordinated enough for that...so I would get very frustrated very easily by doing that.  

Anyhow, that's kinda my thoughts on things that try to make me feel better on bad days even with the whole muscle relaxer thing.  They help me keep going in this life that isn't so fantastic sometimes.  Mmmm...M&Ms! (*reaching for bag of M&Ms regularly kept next to the bed*)

PS...I want a job so I can get a bunny.  :)  Lol.  

Chosen & Defeated

Today, Nichole and I decided to try the Church of St. Cletus.  We went to the noon mass.  It was definitely a contemporary mass...and I felt completely at home.  To the few of you that I've talked to, you know the excitement that I have!  This is EXACTLY what I needed:  the reverence for the Christ and the Eucharist as well as the contemporary music to bring it to heart for me.  SO, I've chosen where I will be going in the coming weeks, months, and YEARS!  I hope to set up an appointment with one of the Fathers for later this week to talk about joining the fun and things like that!  I'd love to figure out how to do the whole Confession thing and begin doing that.  Sounds kinda crazy that I want to go to confession, but I really feel it would help me sort through my life and get it back to the "me" it used to be (only in a new phase of life).  In other words, I want the joy and the peace I had...AND the motivation and momentum to do anything my heart led me to do!

On another topic, I have a rheumatologist appointment in the St. Louis area Tuesday morning.  It's early so I have to drive from school to Monday evening after arriving home just today after a long weekend!  THEN, I must deal with the rheumy and drive back for more finals on Wednesday that I've not even looked at yet.  I'm already stressed about the finals I've been studying for that are tomorrow, none the less the finals I haven't studied for yet!!!  BUT...I've waited for this appointment for MONTHS so Mom thinks I should go.  I hate that I have to do all this driving.  It's a 4 hour trip which is hard on my body when it is weak like this.  It just really frustrates me that I have to deal with another doctor in the middle of finals week.  I'm nearly panicked.  I am in tears with frustration and stress keeps on piling on top of me.  :'(  I just don't know anymore.  My grades will drop this semester.  No doubt in that.  I'd love to keep my 4.0, but somehow I feel that isn't going to happen by a long shot!  I know that a B would be great for some people, but I have INCREDIBLY HIGH standards for myself.  I feel like I'm surrendering though.  I'm allowing my health to take priority over my school work and that isn't like me.  That's like this "me" that I've become because of the trauma my body has been through in recent months.  

I hate feeling like this.  I hate feeling like I have to choose between what I want and what my body wants.  My body hates me right now.  It hardly made it through the drive back here and now I'm going to terrorize it again and make the drive the next three days.  The stress isn't helping my body either.  And stress is kind of the definition for finals week.  But hey, it's only two weeks out of the year! 

So, I won't drag this out too long, but please say a prayer that this all works out as God wants.  I'm relying on Him to pull me through.  AND...I must confess that I AM SOOOOO EXCITED ABOUT BECOMING A CATHOLIC!!!!  LOL!  :)  Oh, and Happy Mothers' Day!

BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Dead Day Drama

Last night was.......interesting.  My best friend talked to her mother about her depression.  But, as much as I love her mom, she did the exact same thing my mom did.  She brought up every single thing that I should be depressed about.  That's definitely something one should NOT do when their child comes to you and tells you that she is suicidal or feeling depressed.  It just isn't cool whatsoever!  It makes the child feel worse as moments from her past is brought up or even current situations that she still has to deal with!  I know moms have the best interest in mind for their child and that they are merely worried for the child, but it just makes dealing with the depression that much worse when you don't have an appointment with the psychaitrist as SOON as you get done with mom's list of depressing things.  SO...if you know someone who is depressed or dealing with some tough issues, try not to bring up every single thing that they should be depressed about...especially not all in one night!  ANYHOW...(*steps off soapbox*)

Today has already been fun.  I got up SUPER early this morning after going to bed SUPER late to go with Nichole to work.  It was nice having someone to talk to, even if it was 5am!  Afterward, I "stole" her car. I'll pick her up later to go to her doctor appointment and lunch.  I must admit, it was a bit scary driving her car for the first time, but now I know how it handles so it isn't so scary. 

The plan for today:  study, study, study.  Pick up Nichole.  Her doc appointment.  Lunch.  Cake.  Study.  Play with bunnies.  Study.  Study. 

Yes, welcome to the dead day drama......of finals approaching!

Alive and ???

As I near the end of my stinkin' long day, I have so much to say and so little time to do so.  I hurt pretty badly tonight, so I don't know how much I will type or if I will even remember everything I want to talk about.  Here's the brief form:  auditions, bunnies, birthdays, Easter, FB fun, sista, life plans. 

Auditions
I'm nervous for them.  I know that I shouldn't be.  But I am.  More than that, I'm nervous about finding my way around campus tomorrow!  I don't want to be "that kid."  So, it doesn't help that I also didn't print the campus map before I left home.  Hopefully I don't get turned around and that the campus becomes home VERY soon.  I am looking forward to it though!  I'm looking forward to being on the campus on a school day, meeting the music department staff and the financial aid counselor.  So yeah!  Wahoo.  I love it when things start getting set in stone!  :)

Life Plans
Yes, I know.  I'm going out of order.  I don't care.  As for life plans, I think I am going to keep up with my creative writing english major.  I am hoping to take some technical writing classes and do editing and publishing as a career.  Not crossing off the other options, just not pursuing them at the moment.

Birthdays
My bro's sixth birthday is tomorrow!  It is SOOO exciting for him.  He was super excited tonight when I saw him.  He looks so grown up too!  I can't believe he is already turning six!  CRAZY?!
Also, I've been thinking about various organizations/charities to donate money towards, so if you have any ideas, post 'em in the comments section!  :)  Thus far, I've been thinking about my child I'm sponsoring from World Vision and donating to her community.  Or the endometriosis association.  Or UMCOR for relief in Japan and/or Haiti.  SO...Let me know your pick and/or suggestion!  :)  Oh, and this would be a donation in place of a gift to me for my bday in June! 

Easter
Easter is almost here, and that means that family drama has picked up.  Hoping it calms down soon.  I'm worried about my Grandma too.  She just seems to be pretty......ummmm......stressed.  So, that makes me crazy.  But, Easter is another holiday with traditions in place, so it's going to be weird when we stray from them and when it doesn't seem to go as tradition says we should.  SO...We'll see.  ;)

FB Fun
And with Easter here, I'm approximately a few days until FB returns.  I'm not giving it up for good.  I've prayed about it, and there's just too much on there that I can use for God's glory as well as a great communication device for college students.  So, yeah.  It's stayin'.  However, I will have to watch myself to make sure I don't become completely dependent on it and that it doesn't steal away time from God.  ALSO - I already know what my FB status is going to be as I get back on it.  Lol.  How crazy is that?!  I'm looking forward to it.  ;)  

Sista
So, tonight, I got this amazing lil' crocheted bunny from my awesome older sista!  And that refers to the magnificent Nichole!  :) She isn't my sister by blood, but our friendship has definitely become more like family than just besties.  Can you believe that she just leaves my orange juice cup sitting on the table until I take care of it?  EVEN if it is like a week later?!  Yeah, we're family.  ;)  Now, if only I could get her to come over to my place enough to have her do that...lol.  Yeah, finances suck and make that nearly impossible right now.  But that's okay.  Soon enough we will be incredibly close!!!  YAY! 

BUNNIES!!!!!
The magnificent sister of mine has bunnies.  They are adorable.  ANYHOW, so I'm bunny-sitting while they are away on a cruise.  And I've been pretty nervous about this whole thing for a while now, right!  It doesn't help when she threatens our friendship based on the survival of these bunnies...and of course, she's said this for MUCH longer than just asking me to bunny-sit.  Ha.  SO, now that I'm bunny-sitting, I have been wondering if I can really handle such precious creatures.  But tonight, as we were chasing the bunnies out from underneath her bed, I got to hold the stubborn one!  :) Her name is Emily, and she is the most stubborn bunny EVER!  I've been scared of her since like...Day one.  (My poor sista who is finding all of this out...haha.  I have been, you should have figured this out by now.)  ANYHOW...I'm not so scared.  I know that she will get to know me and that it will be okay.  And I'm learning more and more how to handle them, which is comforting.  I feel like the worst is over with.  I have been able to hold Emily with her relatively calm as she can be!  SO, I am at peace with the whole thing.  The task doesn't seem so big and scary anymore.  YAY!  :D  I love bunnies!!! 

ALRIGHT...So I think that's all I have for you tonight.  I'm in pretty intense pain from writing that, so I'm going to attempt this thing you people call sleep.  Not sure how it will go, but hopefully it will go well.  :)  For now, I am alive and....BUNNIES!!!!  :)