Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Bedtime at 10am?!

I woke up today with a migraine.  Actually, this migraine is leftover from last night.  How am I writing on a computer screen if I have a migraine, you ask? My eyes are closed and the computer screen is as dim as can be...and my typing is as soft as possible.  I am so sick of laying in bed doing nothing.  That's all these diseases seem to want to do.  I'm excited to start school on Monday, but I'm scared to death that school is going to kill my body.  Hiking quickly from one end of campus to the next with a full backpack in ten minutes does not sound appealing to me.  Especially in a flare, the task will be great.  I just want to be able to enjoy school now that I am finally choosing for myself what I want to do with my life and what I want to major in, etc.  I want life to be simple, yet with chronic pain, simple is merely wishful thinking.

Migraines suck.

Fibromyalgia sucks.

Even depression sucks.

Taking more meds than my grandma sucks.

Needless to say, I am considering bedtime at 10am...This sucks.  There's nothing else I can do.  Okay, I'm done now.  Adios.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Trapped & Turmoil

I feel trapped.

No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it.  And no.  Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is.  I could end the relationship if I wanted to.  And no.  I don't want to end the relationship.

Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.

No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen.  Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls.  SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea.  And that brings me to why I feel trapped.

Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions.  Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act.  Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will.  And I'm done listening to them.  My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo.  I'm trapped.  I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.

For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry.  For once I'm starting to live my life and love it.  I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be.  When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect.  It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke.  It is very real.  And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not.  I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love!  We want your support and your love.

With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live.  Recently, quite a few changes have taken place.  I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church.  I have changed my major umpteen million times.  I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa.  I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic.  Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered.  But all through it, I've begun to find myself.  I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me.  I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me.  It doesn't work that way.  You get to live your life, please let me live mine.  You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do.  But, I'm happy where I am at.  I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me.  It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.

In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture.  A society that is so set in stone is dangerous.  I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves.  This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV).  It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.

So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams.  It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all.  Thanks.  And respectfully comment if you so choose.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS!

Yesterday, Nichole and I went to get our engagement photos done.  They are by a Mrs. Kymberly Spaulding who did our hair and make-up before we left!  I love being pampered, so it was an amazing day!  We went out to Cuivre River State Park to have lovely scenery.  Great times!  So, here are a few of my favorites! :)

































Sorry if there are any repeats! BUT, don't they look phenomenal!  I'm so excited!  I can't wait to get some of them printed and framed! :)  Anyway, I love Nichole D Kelly!  She is the light of my life and the other half of my heartbeat!  She makes me happy to live!  She completes me!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Recent-ness

I have decided to go ahead and write a post to address some of the things that have been going on recently in my life.  And, I'm going to save the best for last.

I've been employed.  No, it isn't some fancy job...just retail.  BUT...I honestly can say that I love my job.  I love seeing all the different, crazy, unique people that come into the store.  I'm a sales associate, but to me, I'm so much more than just another person on their payroll.  Instead, I look at myself in a way that allows me to help people find the clothes and gear they need to do anything that they want to...whether that is look as great as they can going back to school or work, or help them have the tools that they need to hike Mount Everest.  (No joking there....)  I love the people I work with. The dynamics of the team are crazy but in a good way.  Not one person has the same personality as another.  So yes.  Great job.  Part-time, but that's exactly what I need for the school season.  :)

My mother got married!  I think this is a good thing.  Everyone deserves to be happy in this life.  The wedding was beautiful.  My mom looked great for being over 40 in a wedding dress!  That makes me excited for how great I'm going to look when I'm old and decrepit!  ;)  Anyhow, that's awesome!  So, I now have a step-dad and three step-sibs.  Not sure if I'm ready to call them siblings yet because I already have three great sibs, so we shall see how that goes!

NOW...The news you all have been waiting for!!!

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I am engaged to Nichole Denise Kelly!  She is by far the most beautiful woman I have ever met.  Yes, she is a female.  Yes, this, by definition, would make me gay/lesbian/whatever you want to call it!  But, I can assure you that this is what I want with my life.  Now, to answer a few questions........

When did you get together?  Nichole and I met a couple years ago, but really didn't start talking until summer of 2010.  Then, by July, we were completely and utterly best friends!  We shared our hearts with each other more than anyone else I have ever known!  By February of 2011, we both knew that we loved each other more than just best friends, but we denied our feelings until July of 2011.  It was like a huge sweep of relief when we admitted it!  By the end of July, we were engaged!  :)

Have you always been "this" way?  For a lot of folks, it seems like the lifestyle I have chosen has come as a surprise.  But, now that I think about it, I think I have always been attracted to girls.  I think that may be why I never found any boys interesting enough to date, but I'm not sure.  I find some boys to be cute, so if anything ever happened to Nichole, I don't know if I would go for a boy or girl!  I guess it would just depend!  But, I hope and pray that never has to happen!

Don't you think things are going a bit too quick since you just started dating?  No.  Nichole and I talked about it and I think we know more about each other than some couples do before they get married!  We have completely shared our hearts, hopes and dreams with the other as well as our fears and concerns.  No one knows everything about the other before they get married....that's why it is a life-long journey.  Plus, we already feel like we've been dating!!!!

"It's not biblical."  Well, that's your interpretation.  I don't feel that way.  Until I'm convicted that what I'm doing is wrong, I'm not going to change.  I'm in love!!!  And true love only comes from God.  True love is what I have for Nichole.  Not to get all mushy or sexual, I'm not in love with Nichole only for sex.  I think that shall be quite a wonderful benefit, but I love her for who she is and I can't stand not to be with her all the days of my life!  Our relationship is not out of lust, which is what most of the Biblical passages are regarding: homosexual relations out of lust or adultery.

Are you still a Christian?  DUH!!!  I still believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior and the only way I can have a relationship with God!  Nichole and I strive to put God at the head of our relationship.  Just because I am choosing to live a homosexual lifestyle doesn't mean that I am rejecting God.  I assure you that I would NEVER be happy in life without God.  Been there, done that.  SO...OF COURSE I am still a Christian.  I still go to Mass and pray, etc.  It's just normal for me to do so and I love it.  It means a lot to me, so I won't stop being a Christian just because I've told the world that I'm in a homosexual relationship.  I still feel like I can be a great follower of Christ!  I love HIM!!!

So, are you going to get married to Nichole?  That's what engaged means, right????  Lol.  We plan on having a legal ceremony in a state that recognizes our love and then having an unofficial-official ceremony here for our friends and family!!!  We have already begun the planning, and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, there is a LOT going on in my life.  I am completely and utterly in love.  Nichole makes me the happiest person alive!!!  (Though, she would disagree.)  She has helped me find the real me instead of the me that everyone else wants me to be.  I've finally started living my own life and being my own person, which has made me happier than I have ever been!  This is by far, the happiest I've been in a LONG time!!!  So, that is awesome.  Everything seems to be going great, even though there are plenty of struggles in my life.  I love telling people how we got engaged, so if you want to know....ASK!  PLEASE!  And if you want to know anything else or if you still have questions, talk to Nichole or I about it.  Please don't go to our parents or each other because they can't talk about us as well as we can!  So, thanks for respecting that!

ALRIGHT...Well, I have to get ready for work, so I'll keep you all updated on the wedding planning, etc. Have an awesome and blessed day!!!!!!!