Look What the Lord has Done

WOW!  It has been FOREVER since I last wrote.  I have a lot to say and most of it will be boring if ya know me, but if you haven't seen me or heard from me in a while, well, this will catch ya up...and then FB me or something!  I miss my people from MSU and EHS!  Alright, so here we go and I'll see what I can do to keep it from skipping all over the place!

WORK 
I am currently working at a day rehabilitation center for people with disabilities.  I've been there since the VERY end of May 2012 and I LOVE it!  They did all of their own training and I couldn't be happier with my job!  I work with about 10 women (coworkers) even though most of the participants are guys.  I have an awesome time with them whether it is doing crafts, reading books, watching movies, playing games, or even teaching them a lil' something, reading, or writing.  I work with adults who have disabilities BUT they range in age from 18yo to 70-something.  Someday, I'd love to run a center for pediatric disabilities as an after-school/summer program, but I have a long way to go before that can happen!  The only downfall to where I work is that I am the youngest by like 25 years.  Most of the time, it really doesn't matter, but the few short times...it can be real unhandy!  But, I do my job and I always try to go over and above.  I never leave work without knowing that I am making a difference and doing something worthwhile.  Which is an awesome feeling!!!

SCHOOL 
Currently, I'm not in school.  I thought I would go back this fall (2012), but I really decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to do so.  Finances are a complete mess right now.  I'm planning a wedding (more on that later).  I love my job and I'd have to switch jobs if I went back to school because of the field I'm in.  And I don't know, honestly, if I want to go back.  At least, not right now.
The main reason I had decided to quit going was so that I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life and where I was headed.  It was totally something I did out of faith because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy with me coming out of school.  (I also had quit because of my worsening health...more on that later too.)  BUT, now, I have some sense of direction - and it doesn't necessarily involve schooling at the collegiate level.
Like I said before, I love my job and I'd love to open somewhere for kids with disabilities (no matter how severe) to come and learn and just be around other people!  BUT, I've also regained a sense of calling to my life.  A sense of where I'm at ministry wise.  And because of that (which I'm gonna talk about later too), I don't think I will go back unless it is for a Christian ministry degree..OR something in the field I'm currently working in.  Okay...going on since life seems to overlap in more than one category!  LOL!

WEDDING
Yes, I mentioned it earlier, but I am planning a wedding.  A wedding for November 17, 2012!!!  It had initially been planned for August of 2014, however because Nichole's grandma is not doing fantastic with her cancer, we moved it up.  (Prayers requested for her as she is starting her third round of chemotherapy for colon cancer.)  Anyway, we are planning it in about three months when we had initially thought it would be like...2 years from now!!!  It is a bit stressful, although I'm more relaxed about it than Nichole is!  LOL.  We do have someone helping plan the wedding for free though, so that helps!  AND...it will be a smaller and simpler wedding than we had initially imagined it to be.  (Which is great, but many friends and even family on both sides won't be included.)  We are having it in Nov, so clearly it won't be an outside wedding like we had initially planned either...AND, unlike we had planned - we will actually be able to have a pastor wed us!!!  (Thanks to Pastor Lenny! - More on him later.)  Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings to my HS and MSU friends who won't be able to come.  We will only have about 3 months of budgeting to pay for the wedding since neither sides' family will help with the cost of the wedding.  (Mainly because of their beliefs on homosexuality and marriage...which is whatever these days.)  I can't afford our original list of nearly 300 guests so now it is about 50 with only immediate family members and grandparents invited.  Sucks, but we'd rather have her grandma there with us to support us than a big (expensive) wedding.  Hope everyone can understand!

HEALTH & GOD (They go together now.)
So, this is a bit of a testimony because I no longer have pain.  My blood work still shows that there should be pain, but I have no more pain than a "slightly overweight" female should who doesn't exercise.  LOL!
On July 29, 2012, Nichole and I visited Light of Love Fellowship in St. Louis.  We are a gay-affirming church where anyone and everyone is welcome regardless of background, etc.  (Light of Love Fellowship - STL) I was extremely skeptical of the church because it certainly was not a United Methodist Church.  It is labeled as a non-denominational church, but it is connected to the RPI (Reconciling Pentecostals International) church.  The website didn't say much, but going in we knew that they were a church that believed in speaking in tongues and baptism by immersion.  That's about it!

My Pastor Lenny Johnson getting fully ordained.
September 1, 2012 - MSQ 2012

SO, we went.  Worship was unlike any other worship I had experienced in my life.  There were people playing tambourines, shouting, jumping, dancing, clapping, lifting hands, etc!  The songs had a bit of a gospel twang to them, but nothing that I didn't mind! :)  THEN, there was a prayer - dum dum dum duuuuummmm.  (Get a lil' of Beethoven's 5th in there)  In the middle of the prayer, there seemed to be a lil' phrase of "gibberish" that I didn't understand.  I expected to bust up laughing at the strangeness of it all, but it seemed very normal and REAL that it didn't phase me.  At all.  During worship, people were not only shouting but shouting in tongues!!!  It was unfamiliar to me but didn't seem like they were doing anything wrong or anything like that.  The sermon came.  It was long, but good.  It was about cursing the fruitless trees in our life.  Things that get in the way of the Spirit like fear, doubt, our past, etc.  Let me tell ya, I had some junk to get rid of.  And while I've found that we do an altar call at every service (or at least 99%), I felt led to go up (even though it was my first Sunday at this new strange church).  I prayed, people laid hands, I cried, relief spread over me.  It was amazing...
We went back.  August 5, 2012 is a day that I will never forget!  It's my baptism day!  At the morning service, after much contemplation about Holy Spirit Baptism and speaking in tongues, Nichole and I received it!  We spoke in tongues and people prayed hard over us for us to let loose.  I resisted as much as I could because it was the craziest thing hearing jumbled sounds come out of my mouth.  It took a lot of faith to know that those sounds meant something to God.  Here's the link that I studied to learn more about Holy Spirit Baptism...if you don't know about speaking in tongues or if you wanna know more about the blessing and why it is still for today and why anyone can speak in tongues who want to...click on the link!!!  Holy Spirit Baptism Teaching
Anyway, so I was speaking in tongues but I was first paralyzed in fear.  I was scared to do it because it meant I had to give up control.  I was gonna sound a lil' crazy.  BUT, after doing it...I will never regret it.  Alright, so beyond that, after I calmed down and stopped shaking and regained movement/control of my body, I decided I wanted to be baptized in water again because I walked away from God and I wanted that fresh start and to make that declaration about what I believe and Who I believe in!  SO, I was baptized in water at the 6:30pm service.  The water was ice cold!  LOL!  The only thing I remember is that I was in pain going into the water, but coming up from it I had no pain.  About a week later, I began having pain again, but it was minimal.  So little I didn't let it bother me.  In fact, I stopped taking all of my meds.  YES, ALL of them excluding my vitamins and one to help that blood work figure itself out.  That meant I came off of my meds for sleeping, sensitivity, fibromyalgia.  That also meant that I came off of my bipolar mood-stabilizer, my anxiety meds, my anti-depressant, AND ALL of my narcotic pain medications.  I came off of the med controlling migraine prevention and the list goes on and on.  No more taking 22 pills before bedtime as well as in the morning and pain meds throughout the day.  It's amazing!!!!!!!!  I was so relieved!  I hadn't been that pain-free in over a year!!!  And from the mental side of things - I hadn't felt that good in YEARS!!!
Okay, so awesome, I'm now baptized and speaking in tongues.  Great.  BUT - it's more than that.

My Baptism by Water

Being filled with the Holy Spirit, through Holy Spirit Baptism (explained above in that link), has changed my life.  I have a confidence and boldness that I have never had before.  I recognize sin faster and more clearly than ever before.  I feel a special closeness to God that I had only felt on the mountain tops of my spiritual life and even now, I may be closer than ever before.  My prayer life exists and is more real than ever before. I study the Bible and understand it better than before.  I have a fire burning within me that is unlike any other that keeps me going, and while the enemy tries to blow it out now more than ever, he can't do it because he can't get me away from my God!  More than anything else, I feel loved.  I feel loved by God and by my church family.  I haven't felt this loved since I came out and told everyone I was marrying a woman.  Sure, my pastor is gay, but I can tell ya that he totally is in love with God and lives a holy and God-filled life!  So, why can't I be a lesbian and be head-over-heels in love with God?!  More than that, God still loves me.  period.  God hasn't abandoned me.  Others have, but they are people (gotta love 'em), BUT, GOD HASN'T!!!  He is my life now.  I can't wait to get home from work each day so I can spend more time with Him.  Reading His Word sounds more appealing than anything these days.  Addictions and hatred I've held onto for so long are being conquered in the name of Jesus Christ!  I've seen healing in supernatural ways and I've grown in faith more than ever!  The amazing thing is that even though I am back in church and in love with God, speaking in tongues, travailing, praying and studying daily, and worshiping like never before, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!!  I don't know what God has in store.  I don't know if I will be a pastor, evangelist, etc.  I don't know if I'll start or have my own church someday.  I don't know if I will travel the world as a missionary or if I will be called to go 1,491 miles like Abraham to another place!  BUT, what I do know is that the second I can stop taking my medications and the second I start feeling loved and like I have a purpose is the second that my life changed and I learned how to be REAL!

ANYWAY, that's about all I have for ya.  Needless to say, life is so much better than it's been.  Control has been given to God.  Forgiveness is reigning.  And the enemy hates...HATES all of this!  BUT, ha!  I'm roaring from the lion of the tribe of Judah!!!  And my ROAR will be loud!  LOOK WHAT MY LORD HAS DONE!!!!

Back to Normal???

I had to really contemplate about what I wanted to title this blog.  Honestly, things in my life are not back to normal.  After the craziness off the last blog post (Aka Life Lived), there have been quite a few changes in my life and in the world around me.  I'll try to separate it out into categories, but they really seem to mix together as the story of my life comes into focus............

Health
I really haven't made much progress in my health realm.  I have been put on pain medication and that has helped bring the pain levels down when they are bad.  I am also trying this patch that feeds medicine into me every hour or so.  It helped a little bit the first week, but then I had to start taking my pain meds again because I felt I was back to the normal pain levels - high.  Yesterday I started to get the first migraine that I have had since I started my new migraine preventative called topamax.  It has stayed under a 5 on the pain scale so it hasn't gotten bad yet.  I am hoping it stays that way and goes away soon!  My eyes hurt from the light sensitivity!!!  Regardless, I will still work on the computer, text on my phone, and go to classes, etc.

School
This is becoming a pain.  Some of my professors are not so accommodating to excuse my absences and accept my homework that is coming in late to her.  I am somewhat annoyed by this particular professor's actions and words.  They really strike someone with chronic pain right in the heart.  I've missed 9 out of her 43 class periods.  She allows 5 excused absences without grades being knocked down.  And she pretty much told me that I can't miss any more class periods.  She wants to know why I am missing test days and quizzes....I told her I can't predict when my health is going to keep me in bed.  Regardless, she still wants to know why I am not in class and why I've missed 25% of her class.  (There goes my participation grade)  I just don't think I can handle her any longer.  From now on, I'm pushing myself beyond anything and even if I don't think I can do it...by golly, I'm going to that damn class!!!  She wants me there that badly, I suppose.  There's a reason I went through the trouble of going to the disability office.
ALSO...I'm considering whether or not I should register for classes at the community college in the Spring.  I need to meet with a representative to talk about nursing school, which is extremely exciting to me.  However, I have people like my father or others who have told me that I should consider taking time off to figure out what I want to do before I spend all the money in loans, etc, to go to school.  Also, I have realized that I don't think I can get scholarships through the community college.  Especially because I am not pursuing further education after the community college, yet.  I really just want to be done with school and everything that is going on but it never seems to end.  That's why I think there is part of me that wants to be done and just wants to take a break.  But, I am afraid that I will never go back once I stop.  Especially because, I will get a full-time job and I will be working.  I doubt I will want to go back to school.  I have really thought about it and I wonder what it would be like to not be in school.  Honestly, I've never really had that before.  Even summers were preparation for the next school year.  Regardless, I will probably register for a science class or two...probably three to make sure I'm full-time.  Then I'll take it from there.  Maybe my schedule will allow me to work a normal-ish job in the day and take classes on set days or in the evenings.  Who knows?!

Family
Nichole is back to work after Mr. Jalen left for Heaven.  She is doing multiple cases but her goal is to work a night case full-time from 7pm to 7am.  I was against it at first because I LOVE our evenings together, it's my favorite time of the day.  However, it is what Nichole wants, and I want her to be happy (plus, there's other reasons that I can't list here because I just can't.  Sorry.)  Nichole and I are phenomenal together.  We have fights just like any other couple, but we make up...like some couples.  We love each other with all that we have and we share openly with each other all that we have.  I know that we are both stressed out of our minds though right now.  Between finances, moving, and various issues, we are nuts.
WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
We move in on November 30th.  It is only a studio apartment, so it is small, but not too small.  We have mostly figured out where everything is going, but we have a LOT of stuff that isn't going to fit, so we are making other arrangements for those.  SO MUCH PACKING TO DO!!!!  I am excited to be moving again and especially in with Nichole!  And the bunnies will be free-roaming bunnies!  AND...we will be closer to schools and work! :)  OH...Speaking of work.....

Work
I'm back to work!  And I have two new managers....both are guys.  One is really weird and the other is cool. I am gonna go insane with all the new people.  But hey, I guess that's the ups of being good at my job and helping out the ones who are just starting.  ;)  I am only working weekends to keep the stress down and at the lovely request of my fiance.  So yep.

I think that is all I have for you.  Lots of changes.  I am really kinda crazy about everything going on.  I'm behind in just about everything you can imagine.  But hey......At least things are kinda back to normal????

Shift in the Wind

I know I have been an absolutely horrible blogger as of late.  And I know I probably say that every time.  BUT SERIOUSLY!!!  I mean it.  So, needless to say, I have a lot to mention....

I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!!  I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE).  I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it.  I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it.  At least I have answers when some people don't even have those!  Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect.  I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable.  I feel like I have the flu, only not really.  It feels worse.  And it feels worse every day.  I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day.  There are worse days, but never better days.  So, my normal day becomes a good day.  That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there.  I couldn't sleep last night.  I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable).  I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!!  SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......

A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good.  She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well.  The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk.  My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome.  Other than that, things with the family are pretty good.  Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack.  And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies).  They made the move quick and easy.  ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!!  ;)

SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life.  I want to be a school nurse.  Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know.  The average college student changes their major 5 times.  I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time.  BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again.  Why?

I love kids.

I love helping people.

I love educating people.

Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher.  So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me.  I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth.  (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.)  I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel.  But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything.  I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though.  And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help.  And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health.  Perhaps I'm crazy.

I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing.  A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people.  I want to help people in this way.  And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead.  I am good at the sciences anyway.  They come easily to me.  I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school.  LOL!!!

While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that.  I think.  I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.

It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups.  Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level.  And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind.  Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.

Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........

Trapped & Turmoil

I feel trapped.

No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it.  And no.  Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is.  I could end the relationship if I wanted to.  And no.  I don't want to end the relationship.

Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.

No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen.  Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls.  SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea.  And that brings me to why I feel trapped.

Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions.  Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act.  Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will.  And I'm done listening to them.  My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo.  I'm trapped.  I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.

For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry.  For once I'm starting to live my life and love it.  I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be.  When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect.  It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke.  It is very real.  And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not.  I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love!  We want your support and your love.

With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live.  Recently, quite a few changes have taken place.  I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church.  I have changed my major umpteen million times.  I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa.  I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic.  Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered.  But all through it, I've begun to find myself.  I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me.  I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me.  It doesn't work that way.  You get to live your life, please let me live mine.  You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do.  But, I'm happy where I am at.  I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me.  It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.

In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture.  A society that is so set in stone is dangerous.  I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves.  This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV).  It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.

So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams.  It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all.  Thanks.  And respectfully comment if you so choose.

Contemplative Thinking

A lot of today, thus far, has been spent in a quiet room thinking about life.  I've thought about school, work, Methodism, Catholicism and the religious orders, Africa, friends, etc.  More and more, I'm beginning to think that I allow myself to be controlled by others.  It isn't in an abusive way or anything like that...It is much more subtle.  I allow other people's opinions and thoughts become my reality rather than creating a reality of my own.  They say that one's interpretations of the world become one's reality.  So, instead of taking in the world for myself, I allow others to create my world view.  In a way, this can be a good thing.  But when it comes to living my dreams or the dreams of others, that's when it gets messy!  

I love the dreams I have for myself.  The dream of becoming the best disciple I can be for Jesus Christ!!!  The dream of going to Africa and LIVING in Africa amongst the people. The dream of learning all I can and serving all I can!  I know these can be pretty abstract dreams, but in reality, they are very simplistic and concrete when broken down...

• I want to go through RCIA and become a Catholic.
• I want to join a class to study Scripture, or start one!
• I want to become an avid prayer warrior...someone that anyone can turn to when in need of prayer!
• I want to crochet a blanket...because I can!
• I want to get my health in order.
• I want to use music to touch people's hearts...to express God in an unspeakable way!
• I want to learn ASL and Swahili!
• I want to teach kids in Africa to know and love Jesus and about the world they live in.
• I want to publish a book...just for fun! :)
• I want to live simply...so no big house or lots of stuff!
• I want to love like Jesus loved and live like Jesus did with no regrets!

I think we make life too small.  I know people always say that life is too short.  But, we make life small.  We don't ever dream!  Dreams really can come true.  Dreams don't have to be something that we hold in our hearts and never act upon.  Sure, there are limits to what is physically possible...like, you may never be able to learn how to fly (unless you're okay with an airplane or parachute).  Let's not limit God.  Let's dream the impossible because God doesn't seem like the kind of Being that would be okay with just getting through life.  Each one of us can be something great because that's what we were meant to be!!!  It's how we were created!!!!  :-)  So.....

DREAM BIG!!!!!

Sprinkler Sunday

Today was definitely one of the best days I have had in a LONG time!  This morning, I lazily got ready for Mass.  Of course, that was after spending a few hours in the ER the night before for a migraine that had been going on for 5 days...talk about torture!!!  Well, after giving me ten billion drugs (okay, four), including an amazingly strange one, it was dead!  Wahoo!  They also wrote me a prescription for fioricet which is a migraine med since my current one is not effective any longer.  ANYHOW, after that fun last night, it was nice to wake up with relatively little pain.  Fibro was working a bit, but other than that...I slept pretty well and was stiff this morning!  I even had a bit of energy for the crazy day ahead.

After Mass, which I loved, of course, we (Nichole and I) went to a baptism for someone at Faith UMC.  HOWEVER, the immersion pool was not filled with water.  Since water seems to be a big part of baptisms, they rescheduled it for Father's day weekend!  Hopefully there will be water this time!!!  :)

Next, we went home for a quick lunch (leftover tacos) and headed to Nichole's 3rd and final infusion for her migraine headaches.  Of course, not before packing ICE CREAM to take with us!  Probably the greatest thing ever!!!  We took ice cream topped with strawberries and caramel! Mmmm.  It was fantastic!!!  Best idea ever!

After the infusion, which seemed to take forever since Nichole fell asleep, we grabbed some paperwork from Nichole's place of employment and filled my fioricet prescription since I had a pre-migraine headache.  Blah!  BUT, the meds kicked it out of the way pretty quickly!  :)

THEN...We went to Becky, Jason, and Jovie's place for a BBQ!  Not only was the food great, but also the entertainment of each other.  Due to a lil' girl, I got to play in the sprinkler!  Now, while I didn't have a swimsuit on, I was pretty much forced to run through it.  Haha.  I was triple-dog dared to run through it...so I had to.  Once I did it the first time, of course I had to do it more than once!!!  So, I had to do it again and again.  Then I was done and refused.  But not long after that was I cutting up brisket for her to eat, playing with Barbies, and reading a story with her.  Needless to say, I had an awesome time.  Pics are on FB...I'm not loading 'em on here too.  Lol.  BUT, probably one of the best days I've had.  I'm sore and in pain...but I'm glad I didn't let that keep me away from having a good time and laughing with the adults as well as with the lil chillin'!  Reminds me how much fun I have with kids and the energy, they not only steal from you, but also give you!  I don't think I've stopped smiling since I left their place.  I just wish I had that kind of energy all the time!  GREAT time.  Glad I accepted the invitation!  :)

So, I had a great Sprinkler Sunday!!!  :)

Reminder

This is a reminder to all who might pick up this blog for some "light" reading that I write for me.  This blog is much like my journal.  I don't always write about happy things.  I don't keep on my mask when I write here.  When I write here, you get me.  You get the me that I am under the smile you see out and about.  You get the me that God is walking with.  This isn't always the me that you imagined.  If I kept the mask down all the time, you wouldn't want to be around me.  You would want to run the other way.  You wouldn't want to listen to "pain pain" all the time.  You wouldn't want to bear the weight that I carry all the time.  Sure, you might want to know how I'm doing.  And you might want to sincerely know.  And, I might actually tell you.  BUT...You can't say that you want to take on the weight of my life along with yours.  So, I rest my burden on God.  I tell Him what I'm feeling.  I tell Him what I'm going through.  And a lot of times, this blog gets those thoughts.  But, I know you would run away if I told you everything.  I know that you would hate to be around me because I would bring you down with me.  I only feel safe doing this with one human being on earth and the One True God!  SO, yes.  This blog isn't always happy.  This blog isn't always about the peace I've obtained through God about my life's circumstances.  But, this blog portrays the real me that many of you can't carry in person.  But, I have to write.  Because when I write, it is one more way that I get the weight of life off of me and onto this computer screen.  No one has to read it.  But, it's there for those who want the reminder that life isn't perfect.  People don't show everything they are feeling or going through for fear of judgment or whatever.  People are people.  And I'm dearly sorry if my writing does not portray that hope that God gives to my life.  HE is the reason I can make it through a day like today that hasn't started well and probably will end worse than it already is. 

Remember...I write for me...and God promises hope...not happiness.  And especially not happiness in the way Americans view it.  So, let me write for me and write what I want!!!

My Bubble

When I first found out about my parents' divorce, I FREAKED OUT!!!  My bubble had been popped.  The nice bubble I had around me was gone.  I was no longer confident that my parents would provide for me as the divorce progressed.  I was sure that I would have to financially put myself through school.  I was sure that I would never go home.  I was sure that my world, as I knew it, was coming to an end.  And in a way...it was.

Finding a job in Springfield is no easy task.  Especially when you have no work experience and the want to avoid fast food places.  I applied everywhere!  Or so it seemed.  Hotels, banks, day cares, & stores...applications went out daily over the summer!  By the fall, my motivation decreased significantly!  I wanted to be a bum as I entered the school year with 18 credit hours worth of work!  An internet class was dropped so that I could stay sane!  But, a job was never found in Springfield...

Now, I'm living at home...well, at Dad's place.  And no classes are being taken this summer.  I have plenty of debt to rid myself of before Africa can happen.  My health has declined significantly with many doctor's appointments and their co-pays.  Gas prices have risen exponentially.  And I still don't have a job.  SO...The rest of this week and next will be spent filling out applications.  Filling them out and dropping them off.  Hoping and praying that someone will hire me for a bearable job!  I am actually excited to have work, but it's the getting the work that I'm not so excited about.

Anyhow, I've grown outside my bubble that I once had.  And while I've tried to rebuild it, the attempt has been extremely unsuccessful.  So, here's to finding work and living life!

Confessions of Change

Today has been hard.  I woke up with a headache and fibro pain that I thought would be the death of me.  BUT, I was still on a positivity kick from my best friend, Nichole.  So, I had the song Blessings by Laura Story playing in my head over and over and over and over.  At first, it was really annoying.  I even played it a couple times via YouTube, but I couldn't get it out of my head.  Soon, it became more of a comfort.  I sang along and tried to allow the words to flow from my heart.  By the time I was leaving that morning, I had been annoyed by the song, comforted by the song, encouraged by the song, and made fun of the song because of the fantastic mood that I was in, amidst the pain. 

I had a pretty decent time with classes and hanging out with a new friend.  I did something today that I intend on doing again tomorrow.  I reminded myself of my purpose.  But, within some time, I was back to stressed out Samantha.  I listened to the details of my final exam for one of my classes.  Needless to say, it freaked me out!  Eight essays..."You may need more than one blue book?!"  WHAT?!  Immediately, I had my mind on my health issues.  I was thinking about how it generally goes now-a-days where my writing hand goes numb or hurts like crazy to where it can't function after a short time of taking notes.  I freaked out.  My breathing became shallow and quick.  I started to get super nervous.  My headache reappeared, that had dissipated after a couple hours this morning, stronger than ever.  Nichole tried to calm me.  But the exam was still approaching and still making me anxious.  In the midst of our conversation, I got the feeling that my nerves weren't helping her whatsoever, so I tried to drop the topic and brought up the dreaded topic of health.  Clearly that was a bad idea, because afterward she got off the phone as soon as she possibly could.  (Now, this is only my side of the story, so do not blame her whatsoever for what has been said.)  This topic seems to be identified as negative.  Especially since health issues are always seeming to cause pain.  Mine are limited compared to what Nichole fights against every single day of her life.  Gotta admit, I still admire her perseverance to keep fighting no matter what comes her way.  It's something deep within her that I still haven't figured out, but that I hope I have that in me too.  :)

Anyhow, it wasn't until later that I figured out what I had done.  And at first, it really frustrated me.  I have been talking to her about her health since the beginning, and she's heard about my health (even before the fibro crap) since the beginning of our friendship.  It was common for us to respond to the "How are you?" question with health or school/work issues.  I felt like it was a huge rope in our friendship because we were able to answer honestly and openly.  But now, it is almost a thread that you don't want to cut for fear the day may fall apart.  HOWEVER, I still believe the question can be asked.  I know that the strive to be positive can fall apart if we really dwell on the answer to the question.  I know that I begin to survey all of my pain and how many bad things happened that day.  But, it could be much easier on us as humans if we answer openly, but without dwelling too much on the bad.  If we looked at the good in relation to the bad.  I just fear that I answer how are you questions with much too negative and LONG answers. So, brevity is becoming my new specialty and I will be open to further questioning if wanted.  I can't wait for the days when I can answer "How are you?" with fantastic, regardless of how I may be feeling that day!

Along with all of the conversational side of things, I'm making some changes in my life.  And honestly, some of them are pretty big changes.  One of which is the switch to more positive thinking!  This completely has to rearrange my way of thinking.  Instead of dwelling on the pain I am feeling, I have to focus on other things.  And sometimes, I have to focus REALLY HARD! So, I don't know what is going to become of this.  I think it is going to be something I just have to train myself to do.  So, bear with me as I make the change.

Another change is the shift in my career.  I know I seem to be going back and forth with this one.  But, I'm positive now.  (This is where the title comes in.  Haha.)  I'm not going to be a United Methodist Pastor.  Surprise!  I would really love to discuss this more, but it would take three blog posts in itself!  In brief, I don't feel like God has called me to lead the church in this way.  I feel like I would have such a comfortable life.  I know that some think this is my God-given dream, but it isn't my dream.  I've thought a lot about it.  And yes, I feel very comfortable in the pulpit! But, it isn't where God has called me to be.  As I think back to my calling, God seemed to place a desire in my heart for something, or rather, somewhere other than America.  Yes, Africa.  I never felt comfortable in the ministry process.  It just isn't my home.  God has called me to be a pastor in a different way.  He has called me to be a missionary.  It goes back to my purpose.  To help people...and to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth! 

If this switch displeases you, or if you feel I'm making the wrong decision, I'm sorry.  But, I'm following God's lead.  Until now, I haven't seen exactly where He was leading.  I wanted so badly for it to go my way and to be planned out.  But, I got mad at God for all the health issues.  And while I didn't run away, I protested.  I stopped doing daily devotions.  Prayer time became my list of requests time, without any time to listen for a response.  Study was...only when absolutely necessary for some group or church thing.  I started to find church to be unhelpful.  Friends had deserted.  Family issues peaked.  Nothing was going my way.  But then, the dream of Africa was watered.  It was renewed.  I began searching my heart for what I know best.  I began to examine my life as a disciple of Jesus.  Frankly, I failed.  Miserably!  But, the longing was there.  The desire to know God has been fueled.  Depression and anger will not win!!!  I won't let it.  I can't let it.  My faith is what has held me to this point, and it will be what holds me until the end of my life and beyond! 

Tonight, I got pretty down.  A person that I usually spend a lot of my time talking to in the evenings decided to take a break from the world.  I didn't know what to do.  I went to a campus ministry night with a friend.  Not going to lie, I had a great time!  The people became a family, and soon I knew quite a few names and faces and a lot about their personality.  It just made my night.  Too bad it is at the end of the semester that I found this campus ministry.  But, the social aspect of my life tonight got me going again. 

I'm not saying that I need a jillion more friends.  Honestly, I love the one best friend that I have with all that I am.  But, being able to goof off tonight and act like a college student was something I hadn't done in a while with all my oldladyitis. 

On my way home from the campus ministry night, I stopped at a Christian book store.  (Yes, Dad...)  I picked up a "missions journal."  I'm not really sure what it is all about, but I really feel the need to start journaling again and getting into the habit of reading Scripture.  This blog has really become a journal, but I need a place to journal prayers, that may be a lil' too private for the blogging world.  ;)  Anyhow, I hope it is something that I can keep up with and that I can be encouraged by the experience of examining exactly where God has called me to be a missionary and how that might take place.

ALSO...There is one more change that I'm making in my life.  I can't discuss it on here right now, but a few people know what I'm referring to.  I can just assure you that I'm making this decision with a huge amount of prayer and discernment.  But, the decision is, indeed, mine to make.  So, I'd appreciate any and all prayers you can send up for me.

As I pulled into my apartment complex tonight, I noticed the moon.  I probably haven't looked at the sky in ages.  But, no joke, it looked like the moon was smiling at me.  Had I not slowed my day down enough to focus on God, I would have NEVER seen the moon.  I would have never seen the silver smile that seemed to confirm that all I am doing is good. 

So, there are my confessions of change.  I am just trying to remember that no matter what, life will be good.  Not always simple or easy, but good.  And God is with me.  And His Presence can mean all the difference between a good day and a bad day.  That's all I got!  Adios!

My Role

Today was pretty awesome, aside from the pain.  I was at the women's retreat at my church in my college town.  It was a good retreat, but more than that I was able to educate so many people about fibromyalgia and chronic pain.  I love to tell people all about the illness(es) and what it is like for someone to live with this illness.  I really can do without the pity party.  Sorry-s don't mean much to me when so many people are living in ignorance about this illness.  So, I'd rather educate them and tell them about it.  I'll tell them what medicines and treatments are available and what I do outside of the medical world to get relief!  It's really encouraging to know that others are interested in learning about the illness too.  I just have to make it relevant for them to know in order for the interest to be there, or their already listening heart.  :-) 

My friend Nichole and I have decided that we are going to put together a workshop about chronic pain and living with it.  We want it to be available for everyone, whether one is suffering from chronic pain or family, friends, or a complete stranger to the idea of chronic pain.  I would love for it to be well-known enough that we begin to get requests from those around us to come and do it at their work, hospital staff, church or wherever!  In it, we hope to talk about illnesses that cause chronic pain and how those with the pain cope with it, a list of things to say and things not to say, and to share a few stories from people with chronic pain as well as our own stories.  I am getting SUPER excited to begin preparing it over the summer, which is quickly approaching.

Another thing that I determined today was that my calling is still to be a pastor.  As much as I want to deny it and avoid it, it is my God-given calling.  I know that I have been through the hell of life to prepare me for this.  I honestly dislike God for allowing it to happen.  But, as we work through our struggles (well, my struggles), I'm finding that my passion still lies in the ministry.  I love writing and editing.  I love reading and playing music.  But, I LOVE being in the church.  I love bringing people to know and love Christ.  Even when I'm mad at God for the crap that I've been through, I still know that He is there.  And I think His presence is what really keeps me going.  I know that I'm not alone.  I may not always believe that He has the best interest in mind for me, but I know that He will always be there.  So, there's my nice little revelation for the day.  I don't know what is going to happen between the chronic pain workshop this summer and the creative writing major, but I know that He will be there.  And eventually, I will be a pastor.  I may still be able to write and edit and play music for a living.  But, it will happen. 

I will say that I am not starting up with the pastoral process right away.  I need time to digest and figure out who I am in Christ. 

So for now, my role is an educator.  To educate people about chronic pain.  To educate people about living a life in God's presence.  And to educate people about Him.  Perhaps not in leadership or in that pastoral role.  But, as an ordinary human being put on earth for the glory of God.  That's my role. 

My Wilderness

I know my posts have been down and depressing recently.  I'm sure it looks as though I am giving up.  It seems like I don't want to go on in this day-to-day life of chronic pain.  And to an extent, I'd have to tell you that you are right.  I don't want to be in pain.  The pain is bad enough without the "side effects" of being in chronic pain.  Right now, I'm in what I call my wilderness. 

I call it this for a few reasons.  One of which is that Jesus had a time of testing in the wilderness.  There He ate no food and prepared Himself for the ministry to come.  I knew this time would come for me when I was called to be a pastor.  When I was called, I had experienced very little of life.  I asked God to prepare me for what was to come.  The next day, my Bible study looked at Matthew 4, which speaks of Jesus' time in the wilderness.  I knew, then, that my time would come.  But now, I can see that time in my life. 

A second reason that I call it my wilderness is because of Job's story.  Crap happens to him and he questions God.  He questions why his family and health has been taken from him.  Now, my family isn't gone as in GONE.  However, my family has been torn apart by divorce and continually has trial after trial to go through.  My health has become a huge concern for me lately.  And while I don't have cancer nor anything people can see, the illness is still there.  I struggle with why God made me this way.  Why did He allow this on me and so many other wonderful people in this world?!  I recognize that He is God and we're working through the issues between us, but I feel like I'm in Job's story as he went through his wilderness.

The third reason I call it my wilderness is harder to talk about than the other two reasons.  I think about the places we call a wilderness.  Some are dry while others are excessively wet.  Deserts often pop into our minds.  We see one person meandering their way through a place searching for someone or some help.  They are alone.  I know I have some support in this life.  I know that others are right beside me in this battle against the health issues that have arisen.  BUT...I still feel alone in the battle.  I still feel like I'm searching for who I am, and no one else can do that for me.  I still feel like I am searching for my purpose and some direction in my life. 

I don't know if you can see the "me" in the wilderness.  I don't know if you can help in any way.  But I do ask you to be patient with me.  Be patient as I struggle with these things and question God.  Be patient as I doubt. Be patient as I learn how to deal with what's happening.

Sure...I have only been dealing with this for approximately four months, and with depression for much longer.  But, that means that in the last four months, I have learned to deal with a whole lot of stuff.  I have learned how to deal with doctors and pharmacists.  I have learned how to make appointments when needed and find doctors to help me.  I have learned how to fire a doctor.  I have learned a great deal about pain and living with it.  I've learned how to deal with fatigue and severe depression.  I've learned how to stay active, though in pain, and how to adjust my diet to suit my body.  And I'm still learning.  So please be patient. 

I'm in my wilderness and I'm searching for me in all of life's experiences...

Believe

Can't sleep.  It's nights like these that I start to wonder about life.  It's nights like these that make me think.  What else is there to do when one is in pain?  When everything has taken its toll on your heart with how much you're missing in this world...

I did some research tonight.  I researched somethings I really didn't want to research, but felt like I should do so.  I researched psychological disorders.  Some comfort came by it, but also a lot of distress.  I know I'm not seen as bipolar or schizophrenic, and I've already been diagnosed with depression...So it made me go further.  I wanted to look up what a hypochondriac was.  The character in my story "No Blood" was called a hypochondriac in the workshop of my story...so I looked up the medical definition.

Honestly, it wasn't very promising for the character or myself.  It really made me think about who I was and what I'm going through.  It made me think of how others must see me.  Of course, there are no real tests for something like this.  And then there is the whole thing about searching for doctors who will validate that the pain is real and all sorts of stuff like that of no treatments working and the signs aren't there of the diseases, etc.

However, fibromyalgia has no real tests that can be run.  Sure, there is the trigger points test (which sucks btw).  AND...I searched for a doctor who would be able to see more than the depression.  And as for thinking the pain is real?  I know it is.  I know hypos think it's real too and can feel real pain....so if that's the case, treatments wouldn't really work on hypos because a lot of it is psychological, but I see improvement from the meds I'm on.  Just not enough to alleviate the pain completely, especially not on bad days.

So, perhaps I'm crazy and "gave this" to myself.  But, I don't think so.  Just got me thinking that perhaps others feel like I'm a hypochondriac.  My pain is real.  I don't know what caused it.  I just feel like no one believes me.  Even my own family, for goodness sake, doesn't seem like they believe me. I just feel very alone in this battle and it's starting to wear me out the more I have to keep fighting for my own sanity among friends and family!

If my life is worth anything to you, I hope that you'll stop the unbelief.  Believe that I'm more than a psychotic druggie.  Believe that I'm telling the truth of my pain.  Believe that I'm not making it up.  Whether I "gave it to myself" or not, the pain is still real.  And I still need help to alleviate the pain.  But I can't do that right now because I'm scared to be told I'm psychotic.  I'm scared that people won't believe me.  So, I'm going to start small...Even if my family believes, that's good enough...for now.

Thanks for reading.

Firing FB?

After being off of Facebook for nearly 46 days, I am completely overwhelmed by it all.  I don't know what to do with all of the changes.  For instance, the question thing is really weird but kind of cool.  I just don't get it.  And then there is the fact that the people who I contact only through FB have been out of touch for the last month and a half...so it's weird trying to catch up on their lives and not be too "stalker-ish" in coming back on FB and commenting, etc. 

For Lent, it was absolutely great to be away no matter how much I missed it.  But, FB is too much right now for it to be what it was before Lent.  And I don't want it to be how it was before Lent.  So although I adjusted quite quickly to it, it's still a lot to take in at once.  THUS...I'm turning off FB texts to my phone.  AND...I'm honestly considering deleting the app off my phone again.  It's annoyingly on a third page of apps, plus I seem to click on it often wasting battery.  Lol.  So, I'm not so sure about that one, but the texts are done.

It's not only the overwhelming feeling it provides by its natural presence, but there is also a social aspect that I'm already missing.  While being off for Lent, I realized how much more effort I had to put into portraying my emotions and opinions...However, by doing that, others were doing it too.  For instance, I actually had to ask my best friend how her morning was going, rather than looking at her FB updates from 4:30am, 6:03am, and 8:24am.  I actually had to live life for real, rather than in an online world.  I had real conversations with people.  No one knew what I was doing every minute of my day, and I didn't know theirs.  It was a glorious thing, really. 

So, am I firing FB?  No, not really.  But I'm not letting it take over my real life.  I love it in order to check up on people and see how everyone is doing.  I love being able to communicate through it, posting pictures and statuses, etc.  I love being able to minister through it.  BUT, I don't want it to become my reality that I'm so dependent on its existence in my life. 

Therefore, no to FB texts, maybe to FB app, and sure to FB profile.  I will be okay not being on FB until I can get to a computer.  I was away from it for 40-some-odd days!  Surely I can handle a few hours...

In Control

Today hasn't been what I call fun.  I woke up, and I could hardly move this morning.  Texting my best friend was nearly impossible.  It felt like my fingers were long strips of tough rubber that couldn't bend, not to mention the pain I felt in my knuckles.  The medicines seem to work, however, they do wear off as time goes on.  So, I've become completely dependent on them...apparently.  I just hope they keep working.  As I sit here typing, though I have taken my meds today, I feel the storms being prepared for tonight.  It's severe storm weather that is coming.  It is severe storm weather my body is preparing for.  Lol.  You know how people always say that animals can sense things like the weather changes or when something is wrong...I feel like an animal some days.  Lol.  I can sense those things too.  But, I gotta admit, I'd rather leave those things to the animals than experience it myself.  It's painful. 

So today has been kind of boring.  I've watched some Roswell.  I talked to my Aunt D for a few minutes before she had to leave because she wants to miss the storms going home.  I did three questions on a piece of homework.  Other than that, I haven't done much.  OH...I did the dishes too.  I suppose that made me productive, though not as productive as I needed to have been. 

The sky is darkening. The sun hasn't shone its face today.  It has hidden itself behind the cloud cover for most of the day.  Now, it is sinking as the earth rotates.  The wind is blowing the trees like crazy.  They are nearly parallel to the ground when the wind blows.  With every blow, I cringe.  I feel my hands becoming stiffer even now.  But, this is what it seems to be like whether the weather is going crazy or it is a "normal" day. 

I suppose you are wondering what the plan is for tonight.  I am going to watch more Roswell, if my internet will come back online long enough to watch it.  I am going to lay in bed.  I'm going to try not to take too much Tylenol because I know it won't work to ease the pain.  HERE'S the fun part:  I'm going to do laundry.  AND I'm going to pack.  BECAUSE I get to do something incredibly exciting in less than 24 hours!!!  I GET TO GO HOME!!!

I have no idea how my body will handle the four hour drive home, but it will have to deal with the pain.  Why?  Because I said so.  I may be dependent on my medicines, but that doesn't make me a crazy drug addict.  I'm still in control of this body.  I'm still in control of what I do.  I give in to my body sometimes.  I let it control my day...And sometimes, it seems like I have no choice.  But I hold the reigns.  I am in control.

Why?  Because I said so. 

Thunderstorms

When I was a kid, I used to watch the thunderstorms come and go.  I hated them when I was real young, or so I think.  They scared me.  Mom used to tell me that the angels were bowling in heaven.  And when lightening struck, it was because someone got a "strike."  Clever, right?  Yes, I know most mommies tell this to their children, or some similar tale. 


When I got older, like high school, I began to love thunderstorms.  Not because the bowling tale was believable, but because I found it absolutely phenomenal that the heavens could do something so powerful that would shake the ground beneath my feet and rattle the house, or light up the sky with one stroke of light.  It was interesting.  I used to sit on the front porch of a friend's house and watch them with her.  I remember a time like this when she told me her life story.  We must have been out there for hours.  By the end, I was practically in tears.  Now, I'd like to keep her name confidential just because it's polite and I didn't ask her if I could share her story anyway.  But here's the brief story.  She was abused as a kid by her father.  She watched as her sisters were thrown against the wall for no good reason.  Her mother was abused.  Her mother has MS.  After her mother was handicapped by this horrendous condition, my friend took over the responsibilities of the household while her sisters (3 of them) lived their lives.  (Her parents divorced when she was young.)  She was home-schooled until fifth grade.  By the age of 11, she knew how to balance a checkbook as she took care of paying all of the bills.  She attempted to get her sisters to follow a chore chart.  In reality, she did most of the cleaning.  If the cleaning didn't get done by her, it didn't get done.  Period.  She took care of her mother.  Giving her shots when necessary or medicines.  Making her mother's doctor appointments.  I'm pretty sure she mastered every life skill by the age of 12.  I had no idea what to say or what to do.  I was probably in 8th grade, maybe 9th grade listening to this story from a girl who had hardly said anything EVER to me.  Turns out she was one of the only people I could share my heart with, and I did that sparingly because my life seemed so insignificant to hers.  Nonetheless, I still think about sitting on that porch speechless every time a thunderstorm rolls around.  I wonder what fascinated her about thunderstorms.  I never asked.  Perhaps I should have.  We hardly stay in contact anymore now that she's a married woman with her whole life ahead of her, but she is still one of the greatest Christians I have ever known...


Thunderstorms are hard on my body, but I still love to watch them.  I'm looking forward to them tomorrow, even though it will probably rain out the event I'm supposed to help with, but probably won't end up going at all so I can see my Aunt D.  :)  BUT...Without a doubt, as I'm watching the storms with a cup of orange juice (since I can't find a gluten-free hot chocolate mix) and a good book, I will remember that porch.  I can see it in my mind right now, her face.  The solemness that she spoke with as she spilled her life to me.  I remember trying my hardest to hold back the tears that wanted to flow from my eyes.  I remember the feeling of how blessed, how IMMENSELY blessed I felt after hearing her story. 


It's amazing what thunderstorms can do...

Connected

I guess my natural inclinations of being a college student LOVES that class was canceled today for my 2pm class.  I gotta admit, that class isn’t my favorite.  It is a hard class, because I have NO clue what the professor wants.  It’s three weeks til the end of the semester, and I am TERRIFIED of the final.  We haven’t had any tests in this class, so I’m going into the final blind.  Anyhow, that class was canceled so I’m extremely happy for the break. 

Also, I have no clue what I’m supposed to do tomorrow.  There is this Shakespearean Renaissance Fair that the English Society is putting on tomorrow, but I haven’t been to a meeting in forever, so I have no idea what I am supposed to do for it.  I’ve thought about just skipping out and abandoning the English Society for the rest of the semester.  I know they really don’t care, except for one particular person whom I’ve become very fond of.  She is willing to sit and watch Netflix with me and call it a good time!  So, that’s especially awesome.  PLUS, we get to sit in the car with each other for nearly four hours on Wednesday as we make the trek homeward.  I’m looking forward to the conversation.  We had a great time last time talking about anything and everything from boys to women’s health, and music to Jesus.  SO…I can’t wait to see what this car ride brings. 

Really, I can’t wait to be home.  HOME for good.  Well, until I move on with my life and get my own.  I can’t wait to see my best friend in the whole wide world who understands me better than I understand me most of the time.  And my sibs and Grandma.  SOOOO exciting.  Oh, and the parentals.  Haha…But, yes…I can’t wait to be home. 

Thought of the day…I would die without technology.  I hardly made it through this morning without technology.  I didn’t have my phone or internet available this morning.  Not being able to connect to those who are all the way across the state from me is a CRAZY idea.  So, I’m definitely connected.  There’s no other way at this point in time…snail mail is just that…snail mail.  Lol. 

Anyhow, I think that’s all I have for you.  I love the movie How to Train your Dragon!!!     

Desires

Tonight was hard.  I watched a movie while curled up in a ball trying to ignore the pain.  It was not the typical love story, as one might imagine.  But it portrayed one of our desires as humans to be more than one.  So, I wrote another haiku.  Call me crazy.  I'm still not the greatest with them...yet.  But, I figure I'll master this, as one says that it is the hardest type of poem to write, and call it quits on poetry.  Anyhow, although it wasn't the typical boy meets girl, they fall in love, have sex, get married kind of movie, it still got the point across.  Not going to lie, I want more than just me.  It's been just me for almost 20 years now.  I know that people say that I have plenty of time left, but I want someone who is willing to take my mind of things when I need them to and to talk about the serious stuff when needed.  Someone to cuddle into when I feel alone.  I desire more than just me. So here is the haiku, The Desire for More...

The Desire for More 

A Haiku by Samantha Fomera

Sense of loneliness.

Lacking, only one am I.

Two will come in time?

Sweet Sunday

So today is SUNDAY!!!  In fact, today is Palm Sunday, which is one of my favorite times in the church because it is when we recognize the beginning of Holy Week as the people welcomed Jesus shouting "Hosanna" as He came into Jerusalem.  It is when we welcome Jesus into our lives as King and let Him reign in our hearts!  :)  SO...It is always really exciting!  

Church was refreshing today.  The pastor talked about me (name-less) in the sermon today.  It was kind of strange, but vague that in a 3,000-member church, it doesn't really matter.  It could have been just about anyone!  But that's okay.  I'll admit that I've been angry at God lately.  But, He knows that.  OH, He DEFINITELY knows that.  And so, we are getting through.  We always do.  Sometimes it takes longer than others.  And sometimes, more damage is done than other times.  So, it just depends.  But, as life seems to be going in the right direction and as I'm beginning to get excited about transferring and moving back close to home, it makes me praise God more than yell at Him.  Sure, there are still days where all I do is yell.  But, He cried out on the cross, so I am MORE than welcome to express my feelings too.  (A little snippet of what I learned at church today.  Well, more like what I was validated...)  

Anyhow, I got home from church, did a little reading, and watched a cute movie.  Worked on a little devotion for the Pray. Study. Grow. devotional material my church puts out in the bulletin every week.  And now, I'm going to relax.  Read a bit.  Finish up left-over homework.  And enjoy my sweet Sunday.  I'm not stressed at all about this week.  It should be good!  So, happy SHORT week!!!  Lookin' forward to being home for Easter and seeing my family and Sista!!!  :)  

OH...SWEET SUNDAY!!!! 

Planning Ahead

I know.  I've written a lot today.  And my hands really won't handle much more.  But I wanted to talk about planning ahead.  I'm working on assignments that aren't due until Wednesday, even NEXT Monday, but it is still good to do.  On the other hand, the valuable information that I obtain this week or this weekend may not be of use unless I go back and revise, so who knows whether this all was a good thing or not.  

Furthermore, on the topic of planning ahead, I have been gearing up for transferring.  While I am super excited for it, I have to get through the process of registration and auditions first.  I am auditioning for the music program at this university near home on Thursday.  I'm fairly excited about it, but I'm a little nervous.  I've been playing my flute all weekend trying to remember every tip I ever heard about playing the flute!  I'm sure Big Foot (the neighbor upstairs) has been appreciating my work in my upper register.  :)  

ALSO...Helping plan my mother's wedding is pretty awkward.  I know we are planning ahead, though I'm not sure how far ahead, but it is still weird.  I always thought she and I would be planning my wedding about this time, not the other way around.  More than that, some of the things she's asking us to do are a bit odd or different than any wedding I've ever been to.  Granted, I haven't been to any weddings of people who are going for their second marriage.  Anyhow, it's just strange.  Maybe I'll get used to it by the time the day comes.  

Well, my hands are done.  Church is in the morning.  THEN...a movie day.  I feel I deserve it after the 10.5 hour marathon of homework today and the 7 hour marathon yesterday evening.  SO...I will have some sort of break tomorrow, though I have one more assignment that is pending due to class participation.  (Gotta love group assignments, with no coordination during class time, assigned on Fridays and due on Monday...They make no sense to me.)  Anyhow...That's it.  Gotta love planning ahead!

Current-ness

So, I'm on day 2 of having three doses of Lyrica a day, and thus far, it is proving helpful.  Not terribly huge...but helpful.  Works for now. 

Thus far, I have written a 7 page paper.  Okay, five pages of writing, a cover page, and a references page.  Lol.  It was not a fun paper to write.  Though, it was easy-ish.  Just hard to find five pages worth of material in the topic. 

I have gotten quite a bit accomplished, but I'm running out of steam to do homework.  I don't have the motivation to do it. And I really need to be working ahead this week.  It's a short week, and a LOT is due the week after I get back from Easter holiday.  SO...The push goes forward.  Anyhow...That's current-ness.