Today was an absolutely horrible day...pain wise. I couldn't do anything for most of it but lay in bed. Every 45 minutes or so, I would have to get out of bed to reset the internet, but that was all I could do. I could hardly text and pushing the buttons on my heating pad became something to dread. FINALLY, about mid-afternoon, I started to crochet which was painful, but I enjoy it too much to abandon it. Plus, making a blanket is one of the things I will aim to do before I die. SO...I started today by making a pattern and getting approximately 5% of it done. YAY! :)
Because my PCP and rheumy do not feel like dealing with my pain, I called a couple pain management specialists today. I have an appointment on May 18th with one, however I'm afraid that all he is going to want to do is try injections. I don't feel like injections would help someone with my condition of fibromyalgia. Injections seem to do well for people with pain in one or two areas, not body wide pain. So, as much as I do not want to be on narcotics, I want relief from this pain. I need something for the really bad days like these that make me want to skip class and do nothing, talk to no one, and lay in bed bored and in pain. Gotta say, that's not the life I want to live. I don't want my biggest dread to be getting out of bed in the morning or to make dinner. That's not what I want for my life. So anyone that tells me that I just need to get over it and deal with the pain is a dumb-ass. (Excuse my language.) I am tired of this every day pain. I'm tired of this life that I've lived for the past months. No, it hasn't been years like others, but still. It isn't fair. You wouldn't want this life, and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. Even if I had an enemy to wish this upon, I never would do so.
Anyhow, I called another clinic and they do pain management programs, so there is paperwork to fill out and send in. After they review it, they will let me know if I'm accepted into the program. They are willing to do narcotics. So, yeah. I guess we will see how it goes and if I hear from them before May 18th. I'm just tired of being sick in a way that people can't see. I took my heating pad to my night class last night. It worked pretty well for allowing me to be there and half-way decently alive. But I can't tell you how belittled I feel these days. I did get to educate a few people on fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain, which is always exciting for me. The more awareness there is the better life will be.
I can't help but dreaming of all the things I wish I could do. The things I've done in the past that I want to do now and the things that I've always wanted to do. Sure, I'm a poor college student. And my parents weren't that smart with their finances. I can barely make it through school. But there is so much out there in this world that I wish I could do right now.
I want to be able to dance again. I want to have the energy to run and rehabilitate my knees (no matter what RA could be doing to my body). I want to be able to travel. To see the world for what it is, rather than the pictures in geography books. I want to be able to play the flute for hours until that two-measure passage is perfect. I want to be able to cook anything I want, whenever I want. I want to make a difference in this world.
I'm not being unrealistic. I'm not shooting for the moon (though that's possible these days). I'm just dreaming like any other person on this earth. I just wish I could make it happen. I wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish others with chronic pain didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish we didn't have such a hard life with our loved ones. I wish "outsiders" understood. I wish they could grasp exactly what they are saying. I know I wasn't perfect before fibro affected my life, but I tried so hard to understand. I researched so many conditions as soon as friends mentioned the possibility of them affecting their lives. I learned the symptoms and the treatments. I cared as much as I could. I wasn't perfect, but my friends, one in particular, saw my attempt and was grateful. I just wish more people tried, rather than being so ignorant. I wish that people could see the pain I'm feeling...not necessarily experience it, but to see what I'm dealing with every single day of my life.
Anyhow, my hands are crying out for me to stop typing, so I'm going to have to end this. But, I just wanted to give an update on life. This life sucks. The life I want isn't the life I have. There's no "Just deal with it" answer to this pain. It's so much more than what can be seen on the outside. So much more...
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