Friday, July 5, 2013

Self Assessment

Every once in a while, I step back and take a look at myself, my life, and my potential future.  The last couple weeks have been one of those times, especially as I wrapped up my small group/class on exploring your call.  So, here's the highlights from my "self-assessment."

Physically, I am exhausted. My lupus is flaring like crazy and the pain is intense.  Though it doesn't consume my life, I am tired of fighting it though I am unwilling to give up!  When the pain was lessened, I came off of all of my break-through medications.  It was wonderful!  But, now that it is back, my "usual" lupus med is allowing breakthrough pain like crazy!  Every joint, every muscle, every thought is affected by lupus.  And tip of advice?  Don't ask me for directions anytime soon!  I have lupus fog like crazy so I can't remember a thing without writing it down and directions are nuts!  I think I drove about 5 miles out of my way today just because I forgot what we were doing and where I was headed!  This is also probably why none of this will make much sense.  Lol.

Mentally, I am drained.  My job is taking everything I have and dumping it onto the ground.  As a home health aide, for the company I work for, I can't do much.  Pretty much, I'm a babysitter and a maid.  The one good thing is that I have steady hours for most of this month and then chaos erupts, but I'll take the steady 8a-4p hours while I can. I do work with kiddos, which is awesome!  Much better than adults - no offense adults out there.  :)  But kids these days are so electronically hooked that trying to get them to do anything but watch TV or play video games or on tablets.....yeah, it's pretty much impossible.  Anyway, I have gotten one to listen to me read.....for a LONG time.....and one that will play at least one board game or do one craft a day.  But, I still feel like a babysitter, which makes me feel quite useless in the career sense.

Emotionally?  Other than being exhausted, I am pretty stable.  Not many ups and downs.  I wish my job was more interesting and tending to my passions, but other than that, not too much of a roller coaster.

Spiritually?  While my body is exhausted, spiritually, I am on FIRE!  I have a sense of passion that has been reignited and a sense of moving forward.  I am planted in a growing and vibrant congregation within the UMC.  I love it!  But more than anything, my calling has come out again.  And I'm not sure why but I get the sense that I don't need to have any other Plan Bs anymore.  In fact, I'm pretty sure God needs me to drop the whole Plan B or back-up plan because that has been a cause of thorns since the beginning.  I am pretty sure I will just be running at it or for it.  I think it is a trust thing.  It's hard going in as a gay Christian....It's like swimming upstream in the rapids.  So to me, a puny human, being in full-time ministry as like, a job, seems impossible.  But to God, there is no impossible!  SO - I get the pleasure of walking and letting God direct my footsteps as we go.  In all honesty, it is a mixture of fear and excitement.  But, I should have known it wasn't as easy as preaching to my 15 stuffed animals and two little siblings (and whoever else I could get to listen) when I was seven and already knew what the future held.

SO - This is what I do know.

My job is draining me.  I need out as soon as the way is made.

I'll get my bachelors in whatever, but I'm leaning towards Psychology.  I steered away from it when I saw it as a useless degree for Plan B, but I like Psychology so hey, I'm gonna do it.  Just gotta "find" the money to go and start because I'll only be going part-time since that's all I can pay for....Unless any of you or Jesus has a different idea on how to fund this extravaganza.

After my bachelors, I might as well head to seminary.  Where?  I don't know.  But I'll get my MDiv (no messin' around) and see what happens.

As for things I don't know?

I don't know where I will find the money.
I don't know how a gay Christian is going to enter and get through the candidacy process of the UMC when it's not "officially" allowed.
I don't know where I'll live in less than 6 months.
I don't know where I will work.......
And I definitely have no idea what my "ministry" actually looks like........

Regardless, I am so excited for what the future holds I could just get my SHOUT on!  Trusting that Jesus will make the way because I have no idea how it is going to happen!  And I hope and pray that I will have the strength, willingness, courage, and patience to do whatever He needs me to do in order for me to obey and find rest in Him.