Believe

Can't sleep.  It's nights like these that I start to wonder about life.  It's nights like these that make me think.  What else is there to do when one is in pain?  When everything has taken its toll on your heart with how much you're missing in this world...

I did some research tonight.  I researched somethings I really didn't want to research, but felt like I should do so.  I researched psychological disorders.  Some comfort came by it, but also a lot of distress.  I know I'm not seen as bipolar or schizophrenic, and I've already been diagnosed with depression...So it made me go further.  I wanted to look up what a hypochondriac was.  The character in my story "No Blood" was called a hypochondriac in the workshop of my story...so I looked up the medical definition.

Honestly, it wasn't very promising for the character or myself.  It really made me think about who I was and what I'm going through.  It made me think of how others must see me.  Of course, there are no real tests for something like this.  And then there is the whole thing about searching for doctors who will validate that the pain is real and all sorts of stuff like that of no treatments working and the signs aren't there of the diseases, etc.

However, fibromyalgia has no real tests that can be run.  Sure, there is the trigger points test (which sucks btw).  AND...I searched for a doctor who would be able to see more than the depression.  And as for thinking the pain is real?  I know it is.  I know hypos think it's real too and can feel real pain....so if that's the case, treatments wouldn't really work on hypos because a lot of it is psychological, but I see improvement from the meds I'm on.  Just not enough to alleviate the pain completely, especially not on bad days.

So, perhaps I'm crazy and "gave this" to myself.  But, I don't think so.  Just got me thinking that perhaps others feel like I'm a hypochondriac.  My pain is real.  I don't know what caused it.  I just feel like no one believes me.  Even my own family, for goodness sake, doesn't seem like they believe me. I just feel very alone in this battle and it's starting to wear me out the more I have to keep fighting for my own sanity among friends and family!

If my life is worth anything to you, I hope that you'll stop the unbelief.  Believe that I'm more than a psychotic druggie.  Believe that I'm telling the truth of my pain.  Believe that I'm not making it up.  Whether I "gave it to myself" or not, the pain is still real.  And I still need help to alleviate the pain.  But I can't do that right now because I'm scared to be told I'm psychotic.  I'm scared that people won't believe me.  So, I'm going to start small...Even if my family believes, that's good enough...for now.

Thanks for reading.