Sit and Stay

Two commands an animal hardly heeds toward no matter how many times the master says it.  Sit and stay.  Two commands we as children of God hardly listen to no matter how many times we hear it from God Himself.

Renewed Desire

I am so thankful for the Word tonight!  It seems like every once in a while, we get burnt out.  Burnt out on church and all the activity there.  Burnt out on trying to find time to give Jesus a portion of our day.  Burnt out on hearing the same thing from the Word over and over.  (There may be a reason for that...However, it may also be you.)  

Well, after much deliberation tonight and spending time in Word and prayer, it seems like the staleness is gone.  There's a renewed desire to get into the Word (even if it is at 6am) and to have that personal relationship with Christ.  But even more than that, there's a renewed desire to share what I'm learning and experiencing with God.  SOOOOO...

God is leading Nichole and I to something new.  No, we aren't leaving Light of Love Fellowship-STL!  BUT, we are prayerfully beginning to put together a Bible Study/Accountability group that will begin after Thanksgiving.  We have decided that it is something that is needed among a few of us and all else are welcome to join us.  So, I believe the plan is going to be to chose a book of the Bible and stick with it.  We may get a study to go along with it to keep us on track, but we may not.  The thought right now is to go through a book of the Bible we pray and choose as a group and go through it VERY slowly gleaning all we can from it.  So many of us get caught up in doing some study that we forget that the Word is what we need to learn from most!  Everyone's experience and stories and interpretation of it is awesome, but we need the WORD!  Hopefully that will get started up and God will lead us in the direction He intends.  

Also, Nichole and I are praying about where God is leading us.  Yes, we are going out of the country for a short term mission trip. And we vaguely know the dates.  But where has not been confirmed yet.  So we are still needing prayers for direction and preparation as the place where we are led to go will not be an easy place to make home.  The job will not be easy and we need to be ABSOLUTELY sure that "this" is where God wants us to be.  We are both very excited about it.  I have no reservations about going, however, the funds must be there.  I am sure that God will provide through the giving of others to make it happen.  Fundraising will begin soon after God makes a few confirmations of destination and dates.  (Anyone wanna pay for my passport??? Lol.)  Applications will be sent in as well.  

You should also know that the application process for this ministry is not easy.  The application itself covers the basic need-to-know stuff, but it also asks quite a few questions that the answers are more like essays.  So, already be praying as we fill out the application and discern where God is taking us!  

I am soooo excited about where God is taking us in the school of life!  He is doing some awesome things to build our faith, but there have been plenty of trials and temptations.  We are learning more than ever and for the first time in a long time, I desire the Word.  I desire my prayer time.  I desire to fast. (Yes, imagine that?!)  Sure, there are times when I'm tired and I really don't "feel" like doing it...but my heart always brings me back to why I'm doing it.  There's a renewed desire in me to live the life God intended for me to live.  And even though I've been told to wait and be patient, I've also been told to get up off my laziness and get moving because there is a lot to learn before I can get anywhere near a pulpit.  And it's sad to admit it, but I'm finally learning that the goal is not to get behind the pulpit, but to get in check with God!  To walk with Jesus down the road to Emmaus and to experience life at its best with Him!  Jesus came for us to have life at it's fullest...sure, we must learn to wait for various circumstances to arise, but we MUST claim it!  

What's your true desire?  Where is God asking you to go?  Down the street?  Across the room?  To another city?  Country? Do you even desire to be a witness for Him?  

"Keep lookin' up, 

Cause God's lookin' down - 

And EYE CONTACT is CRUCIAL!!!!"

Just a Little...

Disappointed.  Angry.  Hurt.

Yeah, that's the extent of what I am right now.  I had hoped to have a dream wedding in November when I began this battle.  However, through it's craziness, I have learned that I won't get that dream wedding.  Not with the budget that I have.  But, I've also learned that God wanted a simple wedding for two simple believers.  Now, I see how important it is to have the ones you love with you on that big day!  Not everyone I want to be there will be at my wedding though...

Some live out of town like 12 hours away (they are excused).

Some can't afford to come up/down for the wedding (they are excused).

Some didn't rearrange their schedule to be at their family's members wedding.  This I find ridiculous.  Especially with ample notice...sure, it may not have been a year or two in advance, but 2-4 months, should be plenty of time.

My mom and my siblings will probably not be at my wedding.  This sucks.  I wanted my sister to be a part of my wedding (and my lil' bro and lil' big bro - ya know, the ones who are blood-related to me)...but now, they can't.  My mom is my mom!!!  You'd think it would be a "no duh" with that one!  Of course I want my mom at my wedding!  (Of course, when I was eloping - that was the only disappointing part - my parents couldn't be a part of my wedding!)  Now, I'm not eloping.  I want people there.  I want there to be a spirit of celebration.  And so yeah, I'm disappointed, angry, and hurt that they won't be there.

I wish I could change the date of my wedding.  But I can't.  If I knew that Nichole's grandma would be around in a year or two (or even 6 months), I would wait.  But I don't.  And I don't want to be that fiance who causes her grandma to be unable to be at her wedding.  That's just not how it works.  I don't want that to be something that comes between us.  I would want my fiance to do the same if it were my grandma who was dying of cancer!!!  And maybe in 6 months or 2 years, Nichole's grandma will still be around (God willing!!!).  But, I'm not gonna chance it because it doesn't make sense to do so.

Plus, Nichole and I need to get married.  We're already living together and sharing each other's lives (No, we aren't having sex), but God would prefer that we get married sooner rather than later.  We already act like married people. LOL.

Just wish my family would be there with me to celebrate.  It hurts because they would probably make sure to rearrange their schedules if I were marrying a man in a traditional wedding that everyone had been planning too.  No one helped us plan this wedding.  No one helped with costs.  So, I have done everything possible to make sure that this wedding happens - Yet, it appears that I rank on the bottom of the priority list.

Just so you know, I'm STILL going to get married to Nichole by the end of Nov 17th, 2012.  And I will be the happiest girl on my wedding day because I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend!  :)

Learning

So I am learning a ton these days!!! Learning is awesome though because it means there is always something new. Whether it is at work, in relationships, or in your spiritual life, it keeps things afresh! I'll break it down for ya!

WORK
I'm now full time!!!! As of September 24th, I have worked 40 hour weeks! Which is awesome and busy and really crazy!!! God has so blessed us by allowing this full time position to open up and giving me the opportunity to work 12 more hours each week and get paid to do it!!! On top of that, I have benefits that will start sometime in November! So that will also be a blessing to my very supportive dad who will no longer have to carry me on his insurance plans. At work, I am getting ready to train for therapy so I can do physical therapy with the guys and be able to switch up my day a bit! Like I said, the learning never ends. I make mistakes at work, but I have an awesome team who can brush it off pretty easily though I still wonder about some. Lol. My clients are getting to know me and I'm loving them more and more. Some days are rougher than others (for instance today was pretty darn awful for a Friday) but I always make it through and I'm grateful I'm in a job that has a direct impact on a person's life. I can listen to Joy FM and have that kind of an influence on these people amidst the chaos of this world and their lives. (which are truly not their own). Thank You Jesus for my work!

HEALTH
I have some pain. But no where near where it was. Lol. I'm starting to work out/run again. It's a slow and honestly painful process since I haven't done it in so long. But I'd love to be able to run a 5K race in the spring. Mom might do it with me too!!! I can only hope that I'll be ready in time! As for doctors and medicines: I have had none in quite some time. Which is a blessing on the finances but my doctors are begging to see me. I'll see them when I can. Right now, I wanna lose some of that weight I have ever much of on my body.

SCHOOL
Right now, I am almost convinced that God will not have me finish my degree. *Gasp* I know. I'm such a disappointment to all you who thought I'd do crazy things in this world. But let me tell you, I'm still gonna be doing crazy things. Which brings me to...

GOD
I know God is calling me to pastor. As much as I have tried to ignore it and walk away, it's still there. That calling is still strong upon my life. And I don't think God will take me back to school to do it. I think He gave me the opportunity to take the classes I needed (like communication classes, religious studies, and biblical Hebrew) and the opportunity to see how a small ministry runs with my campus ministry. The things I gleaned from my college years are well worth it even if I don't have a fancy paper. And I'm trying to not regret dropping out because I know God ordained those steps, but i won't says its been an easy conclusion to come to with family and friends wanting to know what I'm doing with my life. Lol. I hope they can see the good I have in my work and in my ministry that I do and will do. Jesus definitely took control when I asked Him too and to me control was having a degree. Clearly He is showing me that I can be equipped for the journey without a degree. Which I always hoped for, but never admitted to myself.
Now, I know I'm young, but I have known of my call since I was in middle school and high school. The years that I've grown in Christ make it worthwhile to say that I'm confident that God has called me in this direction. I don't know when the "process" will start but I know He is already equipping me. I am learning more than ever before and I'm being challenged daily by Christians as well as Christ Himself. I'm discerning the steps I ought to take before I become a member of the church. I am listening to the still, small voice that calls out to me in the darkest hours causing renewed faith in His plan. I'm learning to walk in His ways for His thoughts are not my thoughts nor are His ways my ways (Is 55:8). I'm in a waiting period before God has called me to action and I am learning how to behave and live a Godly life. A life that is acceptable before God and able to lead people to God!
Worship is vibrant and alive. I ran in church on Sunday. Yes, during worship and praise I ran around the church. I jumped. Sang. Shouted. Laughed. Danced even! To know that I looked like a fool online for God is almost comforting. Haha. It means pride is dying and authenticity is growing. It means I'm not gonna hide and stand quietly to worship the God who DIED for me (none the less, rose from the grave!!!!!). Anyway, worship is awesome and I can't tell ya how much I have longed for this moment in my spiritual walk. But like I said 15 jillion times already, I'm learning. I'm learning that if you truly long and desire and "earnestly search" for the deep things of God, He will give them to you. (Heb 11:6, 1 Cor 2:9-16) God will reward you...Now, not always in the way you think they should come, but blessings none the less!!!

FAITH
I'm making this a separate category because so much of this past week has been about it. It is a simple word, but it has incredible meaning. It is beyond trust to the extent where you're certain when nothing is happening and knowing that God has your best interest at heart. When things don't go your way, it's faith that MUST remind you that your ways are not always God's ways. Faith gives you a renewed spirit of power that keeps you going in Christ even when you're at the battle frontline. When sin comes your way, it is the trust that allows you to know that it is worth recovering from that worthless sin! It's worth the effort and the strife! Learning this has not been easy. And it won't get to be easy breezy! Sure, a bit easier as God and I go deeper, but there is a long way to go! I pray you may find that ounce of faith to get you through that mountain r valley. Know that Christ will always love you regardless. It is only a question of how much we will love Him.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm headed to bed so know that I love you all!!! Feel free to comment wherever!!! :)

Be Real!

I'm learning. I'm learning a whole lot these days. Some days go better than others. But right now, these two words are my prayer: vulnerability and accountability.

I need to learn to be vulnerable. To admit when I'm wrong and be willing to open up about my life. You think this is easy until pride seeps in. Now, pride and I have been awfully good friends since I was little and honestly, it isn't easy letting a habit so strong go. But it is necessary to grow in God. Vulnerability comes at the worst of times but it is also something you have to cause yourself to do. I sometimes say that I'm an open book: you ask and I'll tell ya the truth. But when it comes to telling my life's sin, I seem to follow don't ask don't tell. I get real quiet when questions arise and unless you ask me directly, I will probably say nothing or a very brief answer. (Mostly nothing!!!) Ya see, being vulnerable messes with pride (a deadly sin). And while I would love to be free from pride, being open about myself to other people can be scary. "What will they think?!" Top answer? Who cares!!! God is the only one who will be judging you in final judgement for that sin(s). So why should I care if people judge me. I think God can clean up that mess a whole lot easier than God can clean up a mess of our pride. I think what is getting me about this is that vulnerability is essential for true trust in God. To make ourselves not only vulnerable to others but also to God. To allow Him to have His way in us. To crucify our will and pick up His. To see that He is God. We are not. Vulnerability is essential to accountability. Accountability can not happen unless we are truthful with ourselves and others and GOD! But it isn't easy either.

I love accountability because it gives you responsibility. The responsibility to practice what you preach and be honest with where you are at in life. To be real and authentic no matter what you "should" be like. Where you are is only part of the journey. The desire to go forward must be there and until I realized how screwed up my human self is, I couldn't have the desire or ability to see past that to what God can do!

I'm not perfect at this stuff by any means. But this is what God has been teaching me the last 24 hours or so. Or even in the last week or two. It's the whisper in my ear when a question is asked at Bible study or at work to "Be real."

Essentially, what it boils down to be real. Period. Don't gloss over your mistakes, instead recognize them and do better next time (or let there not be a next time). Be willing to crucify that pride and be honest to others. It keeps you accountable to your actions and words.

I'm pondering starting some sort of Bible study/accountability group here on the STL side of MO. Not sure where, when, or even the method (online/FB/email/in-person). But join me in prayer and comment with thoughts. But even if something doesn't get started, be real.

Be you. Even if you is screwed up, YOU are loved by God! And through the power of God, you can be healed and made new! Be who you are because God doesn't want anything less than who He made you to be!

Faith of a Child

Now, I know that Jesus was all about the kids.  "Let the children come to me..." BUT...I never realized how amazing the faith of a child really is until I was inspired by a child.  Before I get myself in trouble, I will say that this child is actually 12 years old.  BUT, it's still amazing that she can be in middle school and have a Christ-like life as she leads it.

When I was younger, I always had people telling me that I "inspired" them or that I was their "role model in Christ."  I brushed it off or relished it (depending on the day)...but never really thought about what they meant.  I just took it as a huge compliment and moved on with life.  As a child, I didn't have much life experience, but having grown up in the church, I knew a lot about Jesus.  It was expected and came easily when I went to church three times a week!  (Thanks Mom and Dad for the patience and driving!)  Anyway, I guess the knowledge or perhaps the sermons caught people's eye.  It was easy to believe in God when life wasn't too rough.  Sure, middle school and high school were tough and drama arose, but it didn't challenge my steadfast faith too much.  I believed God had me and He would get me through ANYTHING!  There weren't doubts in my mind.  I just trusted.

WELL...Now I've been through a few things: parents' divorce, college, coming out, etc.  It's not so easy now.  But oh how I wish it was!  Now I understand what Jesus was saying.

This girl, for the sake of the world-wide-web, we'll call her Grace.  She is twelve and in 6th grade.  She has been praying in tongues since she was 5 years old.  When we need prayer accomplished at church and a breakthrough to happen, she's one of the first people we call in.  She praises authentically - like, for real!  She watches kids in the nursery (even though she's a kid herself).  She has a faith that can move mountains.  And she is now on the diversity counsel at school, where she will be able to move in a mighty way in the school system for kids who may not have a "normal" family or they may not be "normal" (whatever normal is), whether by race, sexual orientation, beliefs, etc.  She may not have any clue how to do calculus yet or how to balance a checkbook, but she knows how to love God and love people.  It is truly inspiring.  How much more I should be able to love through the experience I've had and having God keep me through it all!

Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that we all should have the faith of a child.  The faith that remains through drought and storms as well as the beautiful fall days we've had!  The faith that remains when life gets tough.  The faith that keeps loving no matter what!

Look What the Lord has Done

WOW!  It has been FOREVER since I last wrote.  I have a lot to say and most of it will be boring if ya know me, but if you haven't seen me or heard from me in a while, well, this will catch ya up...and then FB me or something!  I miss my people from MSU and EHS!  Alright, so here we go and I'll see what I can do to keep it from skipping all over the place!

WORK 
I am currently working at a day rehabilitation center for people with disabilities.  I've been there since the VERY end of May 2012 and I LOVE it!  They did all of their own training and I couldn't be happier with my job!  I work with about 10 women (coworkers) even though most of the participants are guys.  I have an awesome time with them whether it is doing crafts, reading books, watching movies, playing games, or even teaching them a lil' something, reading, or writing.  I work with adults who have disabilities BUT they range in age from 18yo to 70-something.  Someday, I'd love to run a center for pediatric disabilities as an after-school/summer program, but I have a long way to go before that can happen!  The only downfall to where I work is that I am the youngest by like 25 years.  Most of the time, it really doesn't matter, but the few short times...it can be real unhandy!  But, I do my job and I always try to go over and above.  I never leave work without knowing that I am making a difference and doing something worthwhile.  Which is an awesome feeling!!!

SCHOOL 
Currently, I'm not in school.  I thought I would go back this fall (2012), but I really decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to do so.  Finances are a complete mess right now.  I'm planning a wedding (more on that later).  I love my job and I'd have to switch jobs if I went back to school because of the field I'm in.  And I don't know, honestly, if I want to go back.  At least, not right now.
The main reason I had decided to quit going was so that I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life and where I was headed.  It was totally something I did out of faith because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy with me coming out of school.  (I also had quit because of my worsening health...more on that later too.)  BUT, now, I have some sense of direction - and it doesn't necessarily involve schooling at the collegiate level.
Like I said before, I love my job and I'd love to open somewhere for kids with disabilities (no matter how severe) to come and learn and just be around other people!  BUT, I've also regained a sense of calling to my life.  A sense of where I'm at ministry wise.  And because of that (which I'm gonna talk about later too), I don't think I will go back unless it is for a Christian ministry degree..OR something in the field I'm currently working in.  Okay...going on since life seems to overlap in more than one category!  LOL!

WEDDING
Yes, I mentioned it earlier, but I am planning a wedding.  A wedding for November 17, 2012!!!  It had initially been planned for August of 2014, however because Nichole's grandma is not doing fantastic with her cancer, we moved it up.  (Prayers requested for her as she is starting her third round of chemotherapy for colon cancer.)  Anyway, we are planning it in about three months when we had initially thought it would be like...2 years from now!!!  It is a bit stressful, although I'm more relaxed about it than Nichole is!  LOL.  We do have someone helping plan the wedding for free though, so that helps!  AND...it will be a smaller and simpler wedding than we had initially imagined it to be.  (Which is great, but many friends and even family on both sides won't be included.)  We are having it in Nov, so clearly it won't be an outside wedding like we had initially planned either...AND, unlike we had planned - we will actually be able to have a pastor wed us!!!  (Thanks to Pastor Lenny! - More on him later.)  Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings to my HS and MSU friends who won't be able to come.  We will only have about 3 months of budgeting to pay for the wedding since neither sides' family will help with the cost of the wedding.  (Mainly because of their beliefs on homosexuality and marriage...which is whatever these days.)  I can't afford our original list of nearly 300 guests so now it is about 50 with only immediate family members and grandparents invited.  Sucks, but we'd rather have her grandma there with us to support us than a big (expensive) wedding.  Hope everyone can understand!

HEALTH & GOD (They go together now.)
So, this is a bit of a testimony because I no longer have pain.  My blood work still shows that there should be pain, but I have no more pain than a "slightly overweight" female should who doesn't exercise.  LOL!
On July 29, 2012, Nichole and I visited Light of Love Fellowship in St. Louis.  We are a gay-affirming church where anyone and everyone is welcome regardless of background, etc.  (Light of Love Fellowship - STL) I was extremely skeptical of the church because it certainly was not a United Methodist Church.  It is labeled as a non-denominational church, but it is connected to the RPI (Reconciling Pentecostals International) church.  The website didn't say much, but going in we knew that they were a church that believed in speaking in tongues and baptism by immersion.  That's about it!

My Pastor Lenny Johnson getting fully ordained.
September 1, 2012 - MSQ 2012

SO, we went.  Worship was unlike any other worship I had experienced in my life.  There were people playing tambourines, shouting, jumping, dancing, clapping, lifting hands, etc!  The songs had a bit of a gospel twang to them, but nothing that I didn't mind! :)  THEN, there was a prayer - dum dum dum duuuuummmm.  (Get a lil' of Beethoven's 5th in there)  In the middle of the prayer, there seemed to be a lil' phrase of "gibberish" that I didn't understand.  I expected to bust up laughing at the strangeness of it all, but it seemed very normal and REAL that it didn't phase me.  At all.  During worship, people were not only shouting but shouting in tongues!!!  It was unfamiliar to me but didn't seem like they were doing anything wrong or anything like that.  The sermon came.  It was long, but good.  It was about cursing the fruitless trees in our life.  Things that get in the way of the Spirit like fear, doubt, our past, etc.  Let me tell ya, I had some junk to get rid of.  And while I've found that we do an altar call at every service (or at least 99%), I felt led to go up (even though it was my first Sunday at this new strange church).  I prayed, people laid hands, I cried, relief spread over me.  It was amazing...
We went back.  August 5, 2012 is a day that I will never forget!  It's my baptism day!  At the morning service, after much contemplation about Holy Spirit Baptism and speaking in tongues, Nichole and I received it!  We spoke in tongues and people prayed hard over us for us to let loose.  I resisted as much as I could because it was the craziest thing hearing jumbled sounds come out of my mouth.  It took a lot of faith to know that those sounds meant something to God.  Here's the link that I studied to learn more about Holy Spirit Baptism...if you don't know about speaking in tongues or if you wanna know more about the blessing and why it is still for today and why anyone can speak in tongues who want to...click on the link!!!  Holy Spirit Baptism Teaching
Anyway, so I was speaking in tongues but I was first paralyzed in fear.  I was scared to do it because it meant I had to give up control.  I was gonna sound a lil' crazy.  BUT, after doing it...I will never regret it.  Alright, so beyond that, after I calmed down and stopped shaking and regained movement/control of my body, I decided I wanted to be baptized in water again because I walked away from God and I wanted that fresh start and to make that declaration about what I believe and Who I believe in!  SO, I was baptized in water at the 6:30pm service.  The water was ice cold!  LOL!  The only thing I remember is that I was in pain going into the water, but coming up from it I had no pain.  About a week later, I began having pain again, but it was minimal.  So little I didn't let it bother me.  In fact, I stopped taking all of my meds.  YES, ALL of them excluding my vitamins and one to help that blood work figure itself out.  That meant I came off of my meds for sleeping, sensitivity, fibromyalgia.  That also meant that I came off of my bipolar mood-stabilizer, my anxiety meds, my anti-depressant, AND ALL of my narcotic pain medications.  I came off of the med controlling migraine prevention and the list goes on and on.  No more taking 22 pills before bedtime as well as in the morning and pain meds throughout the day.  It's amazing!!!!!!!!  I was so relieved!  I hadn't been that pain-free in over a year!!!  And from the mental side of things - I hadn't felt that good in YEARS!!!
Okay, so awesome, I'm now baptized and speaking in tongues.  Great.  BUT - it's more than that.

My Baptism by Water

Being filled with the Holy Spirit, through Holy Spirit Baptism (explained above in that link), has changed my life.  I have a confidence and boldness that I have never had before.  I recognize sin faster and more clearly than ever before.  I feel a special closeness to God that I had only felt on the mountain tops of my spiritual life and even now, I may be closer than ever before.  My prayer life exists and is more real than ever before. I study the Bible and understand it better than before.  I have a fire burning within me that is unlike any other that keeps me going, and while the enemy tries to blow it out now more than ever, he can't do it because he can't get me away from my God!  More than anything else, I feel loved.  I feel loved by God and by my church family.  I haven't felt this loved since I came out and told everyone I was marrying a woman.  Sure, my pastor is gay, but I can tell ya that he totally is in love with God and lives a holy and God-filled life!  So, why can't I be a lesbian and be head-over-heels in love with God?!  More than that, God still loves me.  period.  God hasn't abandoned me.  Others have, but they are people (gotta love 'em), BUT, GOD HASN'T!!!  He is my life now.  I can't wait to get home from work each day so I can spend more time with Him.  Reading His Word sounds more appealing than anything these days.  Addictions and hatred I've held onto for so long are being conquered in the name of Jesus Christ!  I've seen healing in supernatural ways and I've grown in faith more than ever!  The amazing thing is that even though I am back in church and in love with God, speaking in tongues, travailing, praying and studying daily, and worshiping like never before, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!!  I don't know what God has in store.  I don't know if I will be a pastor, evangelist, etc.  I don't know if I'll start or have my own church someday.  I don't know if I will travel the world as a missionary or if I will be called to go 1,491 miles like Abraham to another place!  BUT, what I do know is that the second I can stop taking my medications and the second I start feeling loved and like I have a purpose is the second that my life changed and I learned how to be REAL!

ANYWAY, that's about all I have for ya.  Needless to say, life is so much better than it's been.  Control has been given to God.  Forgiveness is reigning.  And the enemy hates...HATES all of this!  BUT, ha!  I'm roaring from the lion of the tribe of Judah!!!  And my ROAR will be loud!  LOOK WHAT MY LORD HAS DONE!!!!

Xenophobic Future

Xenophobia is the "fear of the foreign, especially strangers, or that which is foreign or strange."  So I'm predicting my future to be xenophobic.  I have no idea what lies ahead.  After quitting school, I realized how much relief it put on my body, but the stress it caused in realizing what I wanted to do with my life.  Some of you may think that I am still meant to be a United Methodist pastor, and while that may be the case, things would have to change in the church before I could take those steps.  They don't accept just everyone of sexual orientation to preach the Word of God and love people.  SO, there is that.  I'm not going to stop being who I am for a rule.  Some of you may think that I should have been a music teacher....WRONG!!!  Couldn't stand my hobby being a career!  And some of you may think that I should be an editor, English teacher, going to Africa, etc.  Only one of those will still happen - I will still go to Africa one day, because I WANT TO!  Everything is very foreign to me because I didn't plan all of this from the start.  My job is holding on by threads because of the limited hours they have to offer and I NEED more hours.  ANYWAY, I want to go back to school, but I want to go to a trade school - Massage Therapy School.  And I need a job closer to home.  I know that I can do it.  SO, I'll be applying soon and hoping for financial aid.  But, I also want my parents to stop claiming me as a dependent on their taxes.  Besides that, not much is going on since we have no money to do anything that we want to do.  I'm not as happy as I was initially, but I think that is just because of the stress that is on right now since Nichole was dumped on as sole provider for me.  ALTHOUGH, Dad does help out quite a bit with the rent, phone bill, and my car insurance.

That's all I wanted to rant about for now.  Hope you didn't mind!