Defines and Refines

Because of one's curiosity, I am sure some of you might be wondering why God has asked me to cover my head. The simple answer is that He calls for submission. In my last post, I talked about how God defines me and refines me. By covering my head, He has emphasized that I am in submission to Him and His will. He is the one who created me and He is the one who provides and sustains me. It is HIM who allows me to be forgiven and to live a life of free will. He is the one who allows me to spend eternity with Him! With that being said, YES...He deserves submissive behavior from me, a screwed up daughter of His who has been justified through Christ's death on the cross. Because of this simple concept of submitting to God, I believe that God specifically called me to cover my head.

For those of you who are searching for a more complicated answer...I believe that God wanted me to learn how to stand firm in Him by submitting to His will, even if it meant being different (or radical). Let's break it down!

God wanted me to learn how to stand firm in Him...By covering my head, I have been able to answer 50 jillion questions! I have been asked questions about things other than head covering too, because people see religious and get curious. Sure, I haven't always had the answers, but I have learned how to share what I know to be true. Before covering, I fully believe that I was ashamed to be a Christ follower. I didn't feel like I had it all right. And I certainly didn't know how to share God with others. I can't pin point what caused me to be so ashamed, but I know that whatever it was is gone now. There are times when I am saddened at the way Christianity is going, however, I am NOT ashamed of my Savior!!!!! (If you know me personally, you can ask what I think are possible causes of my "ashamed feelings." I will probably tell you pride or fear of the cost.) Covering has helped me not be so ashamed because I am doing something that is VERY MUCH an outward sign that I believe in SOMETHING! Thus, the questions came (and still come) regarding what I believe. Can I honestly share the Good News and what change has happened in my life if I am ashamed of the One who has changed me from the inside out???

...by submitting to His will. It's not easy getting up in the morning and covering something you honestly love. I didn't realize how addicted I was to my hair, until I began covering it. I hated covering my head the first couple weeks. Now that I've fully adjusted, it's not terrible...though I do miss my hair. I've learned that submission sometimes means doing something that I might not want to do. And that's okay. As much as Jesus was God and loved us, I wonder if He really wanted to submit as a human being and go through the death on the cross. Surely...SURELY I can do something as simple as cover my head in order to submit to Him. Submitting to His will has always been something that I've struggled with. There were times when I was covering that I simply disobeyed because I thought my way was better. Obviously, it wasn't. However, I couldn't see the big picture, and some days I had a green sky because my picture wasn't even facing the right direction. There were some days when He asked me to do something and I simply refused. I immediately was stopped dead in my tracks. I'm not sure if any of you have used a shock collar on your dog before to perhaps keep it from leaving the yard, etc. That's been my experience with head covering. I KNOW when I've messed up. I know when I've disobeyed. By covering, I've been able to submit to His will more fully because I know when I'm "leaving the yard." Again...it goes with the whole submission to God because He deserves it theme!

...even if it meant being different (or radical). Yeah, I'll admit. Covering my head is different. It's something that one might not see everyday. (Unless you are on a college campus with any Muslim women who might choose to cover their heads or a Catholic church where nuns wear a headdress...Or, around Amish or Jewish people often.) As a Christian, it isn't well known or forced to cover one's head. In the beginning, I really thought I was supposed to cover my head due to Scripture. I poured over the Bible and different commentaries. I spent HOURS in prayer about it for weeks before I began. I thought God was calling me to obedience of the Scripture in 1 Corinthians 11. However, along the way, I realized that I didn't want to be obeying a book (though I recognize its holiness)...I'd rather obey my GOD! Especially on such a controversial Scripture! So, I cover on a day-to-day basis with Him. As He guides me, I will cover. And I know that it may seem extreme. When people hear the word "radical," a lot of people assume this to mean something in regards to extremity and terrorists. However, if you look at the definition of "radical" that I gave when I first started covering, it said "of or from the root or roots; going to the foundation or source of something; fundamental; basic" (Webster's New World College Dictionary, 1996). By covering, I have gotten back to the basics. Back to the basics of being a disciple of Christ. It's ALL about loving God. How we each love God is different depending on the talents He has given to each of us. One talent (though not readily accepted) has been to cover my head. Like I mentioned earlier, I have been able to witness through it by answering questions, but I also have grown great strides within myself. I am able to love God more fully by what I've been taught! I'M NOT ASHAMED OF CHRIST!!!! I am able to see where in my life that needs work! I am able to see where God is working in me...and look past people's appearance to see how God is working in their lives! It's incredible. I can't explain it all to you because most of the transformation has happened on the inside.

I've gone through a really REALLY tough year. With my parents getting a divorce and my struggle with depression, I haven't been able to be "me." I honestly believe that covering saved my relationship with Christ. Without covering, I would still be the prideful girl hiding in the corner ashamed to tell ANYONE about Christ. I would still be the girl who wants to die because nothing seems to be going her way and God seems to be against her. By covering, God and I have been able to defeat obstacles that seemed SO large...yet, they were absolutely nothing for God to win the victory. GOD HAS OVERCOME DEATH ITSELF! Nothing is impossible for God. And I believe that.

Now, before you think my pride is sneaking out, let me say that I'm not perfect. I still don't think that I submit to His will perfectly. There is still a lot of paperwork for me to get done in order to continue in the pastoral process that has been sitting on my desk for quite some time. AND let me assure you that I am not fully disconnected from my love of my hair (though I believe it is okay, to a point). However, I can also assure you that it is GOD who defines me. He loves me more than anything and He is my motivation, strength, and comfort. AND because HE loves me, He also refines me. Covering one's head can seem crazy...but I can guarantee that Jesus did not follow every social norm. God is able to do immeasurably more than anything we can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20), however...we have to be willing to do what He asks no matter how crazy it sounds...because God is the only One who can see the big picture.

God asked me to cover my head because God wanted me to learn how to stand firm in Him by submitting to His will, even if it meant being radical.

God defines me AND refines me! Praise GOD!

Lately...

I haven't updated the online world in a while, so here it goes!

My friend, Nichole, had her endometriosis surgery the day before Thanksgiving and it went well! Thanks so much for your prayers. She seems to be having a few other health things to deal with, so if you could continue to pray for her as she sees various doctors, etc. that would be great and much appreciated!

ONWARD...I have been really thinking about life lately. What I want to do and how I want to get there, and what GOD wants me to do...questions like that. A week ago, I could honestly say that I was not happy with life. I wasn't content either! I have been really down in the dumps. I'm still not sure why. I'm curious if stress just piled up to the point of breaking or if it's due to various life situations....either way, I was probably one of the most negative people ever. And this has been going on for quite sometime. This is different for me, because I'm usually a very joyful person. I'm generally positive and optimistic about even the worst of all situations. A few things helped me to realize all of this...I realized that friends were ditching (or even just ignoring) me. People just didn't want to be around me. Pessimism is contagious. It spreads like a spark through a forest. And sometimes, it's hard to catch before it's an out of control forest fire. I hope and pray that none of you have experienced this, though I am sure some of you have. I also realized that I had no motivation. Negative energy doesn't just circulate in your thoughts, but it also affects how one acts. My grades dropped this semester. I'm not happy about it. But the pessimistic attitude did not help me succeed in a goal I had set for myself before the semester started. The people I've surrounded myself with lately have not been supportive either. Which kind of leads to the next topic of headcovering. But first, I want to mention that there is a possibility of a transfer arising. I am not sure my school right now is the right one for me. I'll try and keep you all updated, but if I transfer then I could be going to school for little to nothing, closer to home, and I'd be playing my flute again...which is something I MISS LIKE CRAZY!!! Anyhow....

NEXT...I want to talk about various things regarding my head covering. Today is day...128, I think. Alright...I really don't even know where to start with all of this. Ummm. First off, I wanted to talk about why I'm still covering. I'm still covering because it's still what God wants me to do. I'm still obeying His command. However, I am very sure that most people do not see it as I see it. I cover in obedience to God. NOT in obedience to Scripture (in regards to 1 Cor 11). It irritates me when people become concerned about me, but tell everyone else except for me about their concerns. Honestly, just about ANY concern that one can come up with...I've already dealt with. Head covering is something I love. It really is. Sure, I miss my hair...My grandma is a beautician....we LOVE doing each others' hair. However, I cover for more than just Scripture may (or may not) tell me to do so or modesty. Obeying God with one's life is the number one way to love God. And loving God with all that we are is the number one commandment! God has called me to cover my head...and it has been affirmed in many ways.

However, people's fear and judgment keep them from merely seeing that I cover my head for God. People become worried about myself looking like a Muslim. So I say..."What's wrong with looking like a Muslim?!" I had the same concern when I first started covering. I looked in the mirror and saw a Muslim, though I believe in Christianity to its fullest extent! No doubt about that! After covering my head for as long as I have, I have realized that people may or may not see Muslim when they look at me. If so, no biggie. If they don't...that's fine, because they see religious. So many in this country are apathetic in regards to religion. They honestly do not know what they believe. They may or may not heard of any god, and thus, they may not even know of The true GOD (I AM). It makes me terribly sad to think that we, as Christians, just assume that everyone knows about God. Seeing someone in some sort of covering causes people to think and ask questions...I see this as one way that I witness. I do have quite a few people ask me if I am a Muslim woman. I reply that I am a Christian as well as anything else that I feel needs to be said. Sometimes, I ask people what they believe. Some of the most amazing conversations I have ever had have been started by someone asking about my head being covered. I know that some people are even concerned about my safety. I have not figured this one out yet. I am treated with more respect now than I EVER have been before. I am seen as a woman, rather than some college kid. I have been harassed ONCE and only once, and I did not allow it to harm me in any way, mentally or physically. I don't have to worry about being looked at for my body. Most days, I feel overweight. Not a surprise...however, with my covering comes modesty. And with modesty my self-image is able to disappear. Instead of seeing an overweight girl, I see a woman striving to follow God. It kills me to know that I once didn't dress so modestly. But God is a forgiving God, and I am able to change my ways with His help.

So, here's my rant tonight for you...Covering my head does NOT define me. God defines me and refines me through covering my head. When people look at me, they are able to see a person. Not a body. God defines me because it is by HIS grace and HIS mercy that I am here today to tell you about Him. It is HIM who created me and HIM who sustains me. HE provides for me. HE comforts me. And HE teaches me. HE refines me to be the person that I am created to be. I may not always know exactly what's going on, but as someone who is walking alongside me, one has to be willing to accept what HE is asking me to do. If you don't agree, voice it...but please don't be judgmental. I have enough people judging me...so you can allow that to be one less that I have to stand against. PLUS...In all honesty, your vote does not really matter because God is all that matters! HE has the final say.

With that being said...I am not sure how much longer I will be covering. Although I love it, some days, I feel it does more harm than good. I still feel like it is an amazing practice, and I would recommend it to anyone struggling with modesty or just wanting a challenge. However, various interactions have caused me to wonder if this is really what God wants. Last night, I sat on my stool praying and listening for a friend, but also for head covering. By the end of my time with Him, I was on my knees completely bowed listening to what He had to say. Now, I'm a planner, so you should know that I've already tried uncovering a few times and found out that was DEFINITELY not God's will at that time...and thus, prior to yesterday, I had begun to plan to uncover at the end of the semester. However, God has had a purpose that He's been working in my life. And, I know that the purpose is almost completed. (Contrary to what some of my closest friends might think.) I'll try and post another blog tonight or tomorrow about the things I have learned while covering and what that purpose is. Anyhow...back to being on my knees. Haha. As I knelt, I felt this overwhelming urge just to ask God to let me know if and when it would be alright to uncover. I asked Him to make it physically hurt right then if I weren't supposed to uncover and with those words, I took off my cover. I sat for quite some time in silence listening and responding to God about how I felt. Honestly, my knee which had been in pain all day had stopped hurting and my headache went away as I sat. And the longer I sat, the more relaxed I felt. However, it made me incredibly uncomfortable to be talking to God with my head uncovered after doing it for so long. I decided that I would do the opposite at that point in time. SO, I put my cover back on, and asked God to make it physically hurt if I was not supposed to have my cover on. With those words, my knee pain came back and my headache was on again, full force. I'm not sure if we will get the same interpretation from this as I got. (I can assure you that my headache was not caused by the mere wrapping of my hair.) After another while...I spoke and asked God to show me when I should uncover. Being the planner that I am, this is hard. I don't know when He will ask me to uncover. God doesn't really work on a time schedule, so uncovering could be incredibly soon or it could be months. I don't know. And honestly, I don't care. I know that He has told me to take each day for itself. (Scriptural!) And I know that He has told me that while the purpose is close to being fulfilled, it's not done yet. So...I will cover. Until HE says otherwise.

God defines me and refines me. You cannot deny that. With all that I am, may I love God forever and ever!

Witnessing with My Cover

INITIALLY POSTED ON September 19, 2010 on Facebook.

This was an email that I sent to someone a while back, but I always seem to get questions regarding: "How do you witness with that thing on your head? You can't relate. Plus, it turns people off!" WELL...Here's my answer. SO, bear with me cause it's a long ramble of thoughts!

Here are my thoughts regarding 1 Corinthians 9-10 in response to head covering, etc. :) Anyone reading this…you might want to have your bible handy. Sometime I will quote directly, other times I won’t. I generally use the NIV version in quoting. :)

Okay…So one of the first things that began to be a concern as I started wearing my cover was the issue of witnessing! I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to witness with “this thing” on my head, especially because I wouldn’t be in the “in crowd” any longer. This thought actually overwhelmed me to the point where I was finally “done” with the whole thing. SO…because God wouldn’t let me go more than 48 hours without wearing my cover, I started looking into witnessing with it on. The first verse that popped into mind was…1 Corinthians 9:22 which says, “…I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.” However, Romans 12:2 also popped up in the middle of that thought…“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.” So, how do I become all things to all men, yet not conform?

In my experiences at college, and even in HS, it didn’t matter what you looked like…as long as you were someone who didn’t cheat, lie, or turn your back on our friendship, you were good! What other people wore to school didn’t really matter. (NOW, what you chose to wear mattered for SURE!...Except for college…Then everyone dresses in their own way.) In college, other than the few people that will talk behind your back even though you are walking by them, MOST people don’t really care what you wear, how you do your hair, what color your hair is, etc! It helps that I am at a public school where a person has the right to do anything he/she wants to. (It really isn’t a right, but that’s how it is understood.) So, from that perspective, I am more adopting the view of “I have a right to do anything and so do you.” In a way, that it becoming like them. I can still relate to them. Once people get over any phobia they have towards me…often times, once they figure out that I’m a Christian, they are completely fine. As long as I don’t sit in the back or stand off to the side and seem like I don’t want to interact…I am fine. Once people see the “me” behind my cover, they are fine. They might even like me. And for those who have known me before the days of my cover, it’s a lil’ awkward the first time they see me with it on, but after that (and maybe a question), everyone is fine. They get used to it pretty quickly because it is college…“meh, you can do what you want, and I’ll do what I want” sorta thing. :)

I know it may seem really harsh to put it this way, but I don’t want to be like everyone else. We as Christians are supposed to stand out…and in order for my character to stand out as different, I have to have my cover on. It reminds me that I am no more that what a man is worth. It reminds me to watch every single action, every single word. The world is watching to know how a Christian is supposed to behave. My cover reminds me to be modest. It would look awfully funny for me to choose to wear a shirt that barely covers the “no zone” and still wear my headscarf. I choose not to cover my neck because I don’t find it to be necessary for modesty nor head covering. I am meant to be different….And this isn’t in the “everyone is different” sort of way. I am meant to radiate God’s love from me…and I can’t do that if I am constantly forgetful of being modest and thoughtful of my words and actions. I can’t tell you how many times I have sinned with this cover on and IMMEDIATELY known it…Some of the things I have done, I never actually recognized them as sins before. Through wearing the cover, I am being transformed by the Holy Spirit. I am growing closer to God through constant prayers and the reminder that I am “being watched.” Anyhow, I’m sorta getting off topic, but what I said totally relates to 1 Corinthians 10:23-24. For me, head covering is beneficial. It helps me focus on God throughout the ENTIRE day, not just whenever I squeeze in my devotion time. It helps me to give God my entire day, and really…my entire life. It’s the reminder that God is present not just when I go to church or in devotion time, but also when I’m standing in line for food, or texting (I mean sitting) in class, or talking with someone. For my life, and the lives of those around me, my head covering is beneficial and constructive…

As for the rest of that passage…1 Cor 10:31-33

“So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks, or the church of God – even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.”

This passage reminds me of four words (Actually, three words…cause one repeats itself.) “LOVE GOD; LOVE PEOPLE.” Some wise guy told me that as the abbreviated version of what our entire lives are about as Christians. No matter who you consult, or what commentary you go to, our number one priority on this earth is to love God. John 14:21 says, “Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will show my love to him.” I love God by obeying what He has shown to me in regards to head covering. Even if I can’t prove it Scripturally, God can still ask me to do this and has reaffirmed it multiple times. Ha. This is something I believe is Scriptural, so I believe that even though there is one passage about head covering, it still rings true. (There’s only one verse about God creating the world, but we as Christians don’t doubt that?!...Nor any other passage that is only mentioned one time, etc.) By obeying this passage and what He has set in my heart for me to do, I am loving Him. One of the ways we can love God is by loving people. By serving. By bringing them into a relationship with the Creator. Out of our love from God overflows service. Because of what God has done for me, it is now that I can cover my head and love people for who they are. I can still relate to their stories, because I have been there. But, I’m not going to back down from covering my head merely because I don’t “look” like everyone else. I don’t mind looking different. I don’t mind being different…especially if it is a SIMPLE way for me to love God as He points out sin in my life and helps me focus on His constant presence. God asked me to cover my head…Now, He can show me how to be obedient not only to the call of head covering, but also to the call to love people. He obviously wants both in my life right now. I will please people to the best of my ability, until it messes with loving and obeying God.

Submission & Obedience

INITIALLY WRITTEN ON SEPT. 19, 2010 and posted on Facebook.

Received this question from a dear friend who asked it to be made into a note. SO FINALLY...Here's my reply to this question: How do you rationalize wearing a head covering to show your submission to God and to your future husband with being a pastor and leading men at a church?

I honestly appreciate when people ask me questions about my head covering as a Christian woman. To answer this question, I do not choose to wear a cover to show submission. I suppose one could say that I cover in obedience to God, but not in the way that submission would take effect. I cover in obedience to His Word (1 Corinthians 11) and in obedience to the Spirit’s nudges to take this Scripture literally. As much as I respect any future husband I may be blessed with, I do not and will not cover in submission to him. I believe in a woman submitting to her husband as in Scripture via Ephesians 5 (and others), but I do not believe that I need to cover my head in submission to any man on this earth (whether it be my father now, or my husband later). With that being said, head covering is something between God and I that we work out daily as a step closer to perfection.

Okay. Because I do not wear my head covering for submission, the next part of the question does not make much sense with leading men within a church as a pastor. However, I have had quite a few people ask me about pastoral ministry with my head covering. Here are my thoughts: Obviously there were women leaders within the early church according to the Apostle Paul’s writings. These women covered their head when praying or prophesying which they would have generally done in a church. I also feel like covering my head “equalizes” me with a man because it gives me a “symbol of authority.” The Scriptures say that man and woman are equal in the Lord. Also, why would the Apostle Paul ask women to cover their heads when praying or prophesying if they weren’t allowed to do so during worship?!

SCRIPTURE:

“For this reason a woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. Nevertheless, in the Lord woman is not independent of man or man independent of woman. For just as woman came from man, so man comes through woman; but all things come from God.” (1 Corinthians 11:10-12, NRSV)

“There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28, NRSV).

So, I do not wear my head covering as a sign of submission, but I wear it in obedience to His Word and as a sign of authority for the angels (1 Cor. 11:10). I wear it as a reminder to pray continuously (1 Thess. 5:17). I wear it for God. I do not wear it for people.

Surgery, Scarves, & Somewhat Similar Stuff

I thought I would catch-up my blog on what's been happening and what will be happening. Hopefully I won't bore you! :)
Since we last spoke, I have made it through Day 100...so today is Day 104 of head covering. What the most exciting part of it all was that I got NEW covers which arrived (*I planned it that way*) on Day 100! Honestly, I have fallen IN LOVE with them! I really like wearing pashmina scarves, but I wanted something similar...but different. I love my new covers enough to wear them often, though they are more different than first intended. The one covering that I haven't become adjusted to enough to wear out of my room is my amira (see picture). I like it on me, but I am not sure I am ready to wear it out in the "real world." I think part of it is that I look, yet again, "very Muslim" in an amira. Some people truly see this as a bad thing. However, there is sooo much more than that involved in wearing any sort of a covering on one's head. My best friend told me last night that I look good with my head covered. It took me a while to accept that someone might actually like my covering. I've gotten so much "crap" about it (especially in the beginning) that it was something I had to commit myself to do, or else I would fail miserably. So hearing someone honestly say that they like it is DEFINITELY a plus! Head covering, for me, is very different from what most people would assume. It has a part to play in modesty, but that is one of the LAST things on my list. I have never felt the need to cover more than my hair. Some women find it necessary to cover her neck or even their entire body shape. I don't. It's more to me than modesty. It's more to me than a rule. Technically speaking, I don't HAVE to cover my head. My religion does not require it. I will not be beaten if I leave my home with my head uncovered. Head covering isn't a rule for me. Nor do I hold other people to this imaginary rule. Head covering has become more than a witness tool. Head covering has a HUGE part in my life because of the role it does play. I am able to hear from God more clearly. I am able to relate to other women who cover their heads no matter what religion they claim. I am able to recognize sin in a way that isn't judgmental of anyone other than myself. And most of all, I am able to humble myself. It isn't that my hair is my pride. But the action of doing something different than MOST Americans is truly humbling. I have guys that open doors for me when I have NO CLUE who they might be. Are they the kind of guys who open doors for everyone? Probably not. I am able to be respected in a way that most people aren't. However, the experience is more than being treated better. It's realizing that God will provide in miscellaneous ways that remind me that I am one, small human being (literally!), yet that I can be used when I humble myself before Him in obedience.
I have found that living for Jesus is not always easy. Sometimes, He asks you to do things that you really would rather not do. This is about the 4th thing He's asked me to do that I have tried my hardest not to do. I have failed miserably each time. And life is not the greatest until I do so. Anyhow...enough with that. BUT...One more question and I'll move on to everything else I'd like to talk about...As I was walking on campus today, I realized something that is more of a confession than anything. I sometimes feel ashamed. Not because of what God has done...and I am by no means ashamed of God. But, I am ashamed of Christianity as a religion and as a people. I don't know which I prefer to be recognized as...a Christian or a Muslim...both can be horrible people or absolutely amazing and strong in their beliefs. That is one thing that I have learned about the Islam population on campus: They are INCREDIBLY strong. They have to know what they believe in, and be willing to be ridiculed when it doesn't agree with what someone else believes. It makes me sick to think that we waste so many opportunities every day because we don't want to offend anyone or make them feel uncomfortable. People will be burning in hell because we don't upset the norm. Public Service Announcement: THE NORM IS NOT GOD'S WAY!!! It never has been and will never be until we get off our rear-ends and be the people God has called us to be...The people He CREATED us to be!
Alright...well, now that I've stepped off my soap-box...My best friend is having surgery on Wednesday, November 24th. I would sincerely appreciate it if you would say a prayer for Nichole. This will be my first actual hospital experience. Yes, I've been to hospitals and briefly visited people. But, I've not been the one in the waiting room waiting for a loved one to get out of surgery (Yes, I love her...she's my best friend and knows me inside and out!). I've never been there for anyone when the anesthesia wears off. I've never done any of it. I'm definitely new to it. And to a point, I'm scared that I will screw up. She says that she isn't scared for the surgery, so that's good...BUT that means I'm more scared than she is, even with the small amount of nerves that I have built over the past couple of weeks. On a good note: I'm getting together my Surgery Day Fun Box...and this process is fun in itself! :)
I think that's all I have for you for now...Let me know what you're thoughts are...comment!!! And please remember to say a prayer for Nichole...and you don't have to wait for the 24th to start...she would appreciate them now too as the pain is ridiculous from the diseases she suffers from. Anyhow...Thanks for reading! Shabbat Shalom! Happy Friday!!!

Existence on YouTube

Hey! Today is day 98 of headcovering and all seems to be going well. I had another affirmation Thursday night, so I am super excited about that! It was a good reminder of why I wear my cover and how God is working through my learning experience!

I watched the Mizzou and K-State game today. Haven't sat and watched college football in a long time! It was a good refresher of the college student inside me!

At half-time, I made my first YouTube video with my new toy! YAY for getting a webcam! I'm excited about it all...but, I love writing, so the blogging world will not be neglected by my seemingly new video blog! :) I don't think I'm great with cameras...I think it's weird to talk to myself (even if it is for the Internet world), so I don't know how many videos or how often I will make them!? So, I guess we shall see! LOL.

here's the link to the new video if you wanna keep up with me on YouTube...my username is "ReclaimedExistence." The video is posted on here below. :)

The Renovating Surgery

Ezekiel 36:26-27 (NIV) – “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.”

Let me start by telling you how much I utterly ADORE car accidents! NOT! Monday, I was in a car accident. We’ll make the story brief…the lady in front of me had on her brakes and I didn’t notice! Thus, I rear-ended this nice looking Honda. Now, I’ve never been a fan of Honda, but the lady seemed very distraught that I had accidentally (Hint: That’s why it’s called an accident!) broken one of her brake lights. The accident was definitely my fault. There is absolutely NO ONE I can blame for it. Obviously, I can’t blame the pretty looking trees or the vehicle that was definitely tailgating in my rearview mirror. (I’m surprised he didn’t rear end me!) Long story made short…My car is looking quite sad right now. My bumper is kinda hangin’ off and I have to CLIMB into the driver’s seat from another door.

One thing I love about this Scripture from Ezekiel 36 is that this cleansing that happens when we begin to follow God is shown clearly as a process. I can ASSURE you that the moment you ask for forgiveness that you’ve been forgiven by God. But, the process of chipping away the sin in one’s life takes more than just a couple words. It’s the climbing over the other seats phase.

Surgeries don’t generally last a minute and a half…patients’ loved ones spend hours waiting in a room that’s intense as ever waiting to hear news from the doctor. Surgeries take time. (I say this as I make plans to spend all day at a hospital with a dear friend when she has surgery…lol.) God is talking about a heart surgery. A surgery that will turn our hearts of stone into a living heart full of the Spirit. It isn’t an overnight surgery either.

Somehow I wish I could truly say “I’m sorry” and those words magically fix both vehicles as well as any repercussions of the accident. While I may be forgiven by the lady whose car I hit, I still have to deal with climbing over seats in order to drive my damaged car…like we sometimes drive our sin-filled lives. Until I take my car into the shop to get repairs done, it will still be damaged and cause me heartache every day as I remember my mistake and let it impair me. Let’s not wait too long to take our heart to God and let Him fix it and turn it into something so much better than what you have to offer. Beware, the surgery isn’t an overnight surgery, but it’s totally worth it!

Forgiven on the spot…Renovating surgery – forever. Won’t you begin the procedure today?

Day 85 - Hallowed Halloween?

I was able to spend most of my Saturday with one of my best friends. Most of it was pretty fantastic...though there always seems to be a bump at sometime or another. SO...I'm SUPER excited that the bump is working itself out...though, there will be work that eventually has to come in order for it to be resolved. But, I don't really know when that will take place, or even if it will take place, since it's not really dependent on me right now. :) (YAY for less work for me!!!) Long story made short...I just have to remember to be careful with my moods. I can choose how I want to feel (for the most part)...So yup! :)

Oh, the main reason I'm writing this blog post...Today is Halloween! Not sure if that's a good thing or not. I had someone point out today that it is, in fact, a pagan holiday so she will not be celebrating it. It's interesting because I haven't had someone tell me that in a LONG time and she kind of caught me off guard. Haha. That's ok.

AND THEN, at the grocery store, I had someone ask if I was already dressed up for halloween??? I was in NORMAL clothes with my normal "bun" head covering. Kind of awkward...didn't really make sense. Oh well. Lol.

SO...I'm curious how many people who claim to be a Christian don't celebrate/encourage Halloween...It's a pagan holiday that has been transformed to fit just about any culture. The Hispanics use it as preparation for their Day of the Dead (on which they honor the people who have gone before them). Americans use it as a night to get disguised and freak out others! Kids have fun going door to door trick-or-treating. I didn't ever like trick-or-treating (especially once I got older), but it certainly seems to be fun for the parents.

Is it right to claim to be a Christian, yet encourage paganism through something as Halloween? Does the celebration of Halloween encourage paganism? Have Christians, in some fashion, hallowed Halloween so that we can celebrate it? Long story short, it's still a pagan holiday in tradition. What are we as Christians supposed to do about it? Do we still buy Halloween candy to pass out to the neighborhood kids? Or dress our kid(s) in costumes for halloween parties at schools or even churches???

Have we hallowed Halloween???

Okay...that's all I got for ya, considering its 1am-ish! Adios W.W.W. world! :)

Day 83 - Limits and Dr. Pepper

Today has been quite the day.

83 days into headcovering, and someone tells me that she still doesn't think that I'm comfortable covering. This is the day after I have someone tell me about all the "conflicting feelings I've been having." I am really getting frustrated with myself over this whole deal. I don't know how much more I'll put about headcovering on here. It's kind of "old news" for me right now. It still shocks me that it has been over 80 days and I still have people asking to know what it's all about when they saw me in the first week. I think it's great that they want to know, but I don't seem to have the answer ready to "spout" off once the question is asked like I used to be able to do. It takes more time to think about it. Make sure what I'm saying is REALLY the truth on why I cover, etc. :) I love it. But I have limits as to how far I will go and how uncomfortable I will make myself with it. Because I am not feeling any further prodding from the Spirit about it (other than that I'd "better wear it!") I don't feel the need to take it further than where I'm at currently.

Obviously, I have no limits when it comes to my dieting. Ha. I'm currently enjoying a ginormous Dr. Pepper. It really is fantastic. Especially since I have one of my best friends sitting in my apartment! :) So, no bueno on the diet for today!!! Shopping tomorrow to get healthy food???

I did REALLY horribly on my Spanish test today. I didn't take the time to study that I should have...and well, yeah. I don't know. I know I didn't do well, so I'm counting on a C right now. I really need to go figure out what I have to get in the class to keep my GPA that is required for my scholarship. I have an academic advising meeting on Monday. So maybe, if i get my test back and it's REALLY horrible, I can drop and take 19 hours next semester to make it up. (And learn a language other than Spanish???) :) So we'll see. Looking on the bright side.

I've just been really stressed out lately, so I'm kind of not really getting sick. It's not really a cold, but it's hard to describe via internet. So, we shall see what happens with that. Hopefully it won't get too bad. Lol.

Anyhow, I should spend time with my Bestie that's here...SO, I'll catch ya up later! Night!

Day 81 - I've Been Changed...

I started thinking today. (I know, bad idea.) Today is day 81 of full-time head covering. 82 days ago, I put on a random scarf and thought it felt weird. I was SOOO aware of everything that I said or did. I paid attention when people spoke and I was COMPLETELY focused in my prayer time. I legitimately obeyed the speed limit and was conscious of every passing thought. Now, I would not recommend this feeling for it isn’t something that I am particularly fond of; it creates havoc in routine (and possibly one’s stomach!). BUT…Is that a bad thing? Is it bad to become aware of one’s actions? Is it bad to cause a lil’ uproar in one’s routine?

As I was pondering these questions, I kept thinking about how different I am as a person now than I was 82 days ago. And thus…another question came up. However, it’s more of an either-or statement.

“Has head covering changed me? OR…Have I been changed through my experience with head covering?”

Here’s the verdict: I have been changed through my experience with head covering. The physical item…the routine of putting a scarf on my head hasn’t done anything. It’s the meaning behind the doing. It’s the accountability and responsibility that I’ve found through head covering that has changed me.

I am still Samantha. BUT, I am different than who I was. I can’t tell you that I’m anywhere near the same person I was in HS. Not only have I started covering my head, but I also behave differently and have more diverse values than I did back then! Do I love the changes? Yes. Did I love them while they were occurring? Nope. (It’s never easy to make a change.)

One more thing I wanted to mention: I’m pondering the thought of what would happen if I stopped covering. How I would go about it, etc. I began out of obedience to God…so it is definitely up to God to make it clear when/if I should stop covering. SO…yeah. I don’t know. If God is logical whatsoever, then maybe He’ll remember that it’s hard to make transitions with the same group of people…so I’d really prefer if He’d make up His mind, and keep it there…so maybe, EVENTUALLY, I can figure out what He wants…lol.

ANYHOW…I’m tired. So I think I’m headed off to bed. I’ll be up EARLY in the morning! Night!

Day 78 - Snooze Buttons, Ministries, and Scarves

Quite a bit is going on in my brain right now, though I just woke up from an uncomfortable nap (which only has made me more tired and longing for chocolate chip muffins). So, because this is my online blog, I thought I would give you a load of what's going on from all the proposed changes and an update on head covering. Where to begin..........

The Snooze Button:
I am ABSOLUTELY addicted to it. I have become prone to hit it MULTIPLE times in the morning. In fact, at one point in time, I have four alarms going off which cause me to hit snooze approximately every three minutes...Thursday, I hit snooze a total of 34 times. Now, you may wonder why I am emphasizing this addiction. If that is the case, let me politely tell you that this addiction is causing me to miss my time with the Best Friend Jesus. Let me continue to tell you why this is a problem...because I have been missing my time with Best Friend Jesus, I have been feeling incredibly lost lately. Until this morning, where I was definitely in need of the Sunday School lesson and the various comments made, I had even lost sight of what I felt like God was calling me to do in life. I had started, not only doubting my call, but questioning if it ever existed. It's kind of like insisting that the sky is green instead of blue on a sunny day. It's RIDICULOUS!!! Long story made short, the snooze button must go and I MUST get my Best Friend Jesus time in the morning!!!

Ministries:
Today, I really doubted if I even wanted to go to church. I was frustrated and hurt last night and wondered why God would leave me in such a state of being clueless regarding the future. I did NOT want to go to church. Thus, I hit the snooze button several times before waking up this morning. Then, I felt guilty and got ready - wearing jeans because I CERTAINLY did not feel like dressing up to go to worship the God whom I really didn't like at the moment. (At this point in time, it was kind of like sitting next to someone you really don't like at the moment but they know EVERYTHING about you...so you kind of have to deal with it, and thus do bare minimum to meet what must be done...) THUS, I went to church, wearing jeans, out of sheer stubbornness. I pulled up to the church, and sat in my car for at least five minutes contemplating if I actually wanted to go inside. Decided that I needed to go in because I am apart of the prayer ministry team and so I needed to get my name tag, and use the restroom, etc. So, I put on a smile and go inside...this is probably the first time in MONTHS that I haven't wanted to go to church. (Usually when I'm on a spiritual low, I am excited to get rejuvenated at church...this time, I wasn't.) As I'm walking into the restroom, a certain lady tells me how much I am appreciated for all that I do around the church and the ministries that I'm involved in, etc. ABSOLUTELY blew me away. I was NOT expecting that. And, I couldn't get out of that restroom fast enough in order to avoid tears. After feeling overburdened by all that I do, and having multiple people telling me to cut back, this one particular lady sees what I do and is thankful. Let it be known that I hold nothing against anyone who has told me to cut back. I take your words very seriously. From that point on, the morning got better. I was able to connect to God through the worship songs. I allowed my mind to wander during the message and see where God allowed my thoughts to go.
In Sunday school, we are progressing through the Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. Today's letter focused on prayer. However, for some reason, my co-leader read some quotes from a magazine regarding worship. It's out of Neue magazine...Spring 2010 issue. And one of the articles talked about how to lead when you feel nothing. One of the quotes from the band interviewed (Hillsong United) was "If it is easy to worship, then it probably isn't really worship." (May or may not be exactly the quote, slightly paraphrased.) It talked about how worship is a choice. I don't have to "feel" like worshiping to worship. In fact, that's probably when I should worship! To worship is a choice that i made with each decision, including the decision to open up my heart for God to speak to me this morning. Anyhow, enough with that...

Scarves:
Headcovering day 78 is today! As the days progress, the questions NEVER END!!! Lol. Recently, I've really been struggling with God's call on my life to cover my head. (Although I wonder if it never has really gone away, and appears at it's own will.) Anyhow, I must admit that I am beginning to get frustrated with the questions. I am actually curious to see how my answers have changed since the first week I started wearing my cover. I am sure they have been altered quite a bit! The questions are actually getting harder to answer. I think part of that is my struggle with perseverance. I am tired of answering them. I used to be fine. And honestly, I don't ever tell anyone how annoying the questions have become, because I believe that I should answer them...it's part of wearing a cover. I forget how unusual it must be for people to see me with my cover on. I have become used to it. I think it might be becoming a "ritual" sort of thing. It still holds it's meaning because I do it for God because He has called me to...BUT, it's kind of crazy trying to remember that when I become annoyed. BUT, I believe God wants me to at least finish out the semester wearing my cover. I'm still struggling with how I would even stop wearing it if that's where God leads me. BUT, if God takes me to that point, then I'm sure He will be willing to give further instructions. Haha.

ANYHOW...I am going to my campus ministry worship tonight. God and I need all the time we can get together. I attempted to catch up on the New Testament in 90 days program this afternoon (by reading Romans) and I fell asleep. Obviously, Romans was not able to capture my attention. BUT, I hear there will be twinkies at worship tonight, and students teaching, so I'm pretty excited about that! :) PLUS, I don't have to do anything!!! Just attend. And worship. And though I really don't feel like getting off of my comfortable couch, I am making the choice to do so. I will update more later. Adios for now!

A New Diet - Devotion

Hey! So, this is a devotion I wrote today. In it, I refer to my diet seemingly being over and done with...Well, that's not true, but I didn't have time to explain it in my regulated word count, so that's where it stands. Lol. BUT...Other than that, i believe this devotion to be true. Haha...

A New Diet ~

Have you ever gone on a diet? Most people have at least attempted to diet. I am one of those people. Recently, I decided that I needed to cut back on my carbohydrates. Carbohydrates are certainly not bad for one to eat, but I found that I needed to watch what I ate in order to obtain the goal in mind.

The author of Hebrews reminds me of my adventures with dieting when he wrote: “The former regulation is set aside because it was weak and useless (for the law made nothing perfect), and a better hope is introduced, by which we draw near to God” (Hebrews 7:18-19, NIV). I am sure that the author was not referring to my non-dieting days when he says the “former regulation.” However before the dieting days of the people of Jesus’ time, the people were at their worst. They did not have a real, personal relationship with God. Yet, Jesus provided a way for people to meet their goal by showing them how to draw near to God.

By a change in my habits, I was able to work at my goal and feel hopeful for the future. This Scripture is not referring to the Old Testament being bad, just set aside the rules and regulations which were made complete in Jesus’ sacrifice. Jesus exemplified the way to draw near to God.

What might you need to set aside for a while to introduce a better hope and draw near to God like Jesus did?