Xenophobia is the "fear of the foreign, especially strangers, or that which is foreign or strange." So I'm predicting my future to be xenophobic. I have no idea what lies ahead. After quitting school, I realized how much relief it put on my body, but the stress it caused in realizing what I wanted to do with my life. Some of you may think that I am still meant to be a United Methodist pastor, and while that may be the case, things would have to change in the church before I could take those steps. They don't accept just everyone of sexual orientation to preach the Word of God and love people. SO, there is that. I'm not going to stop being who I am for a rule. Some of you may think that I should have been a music teacher....WRONG!!! Couldn't stand my hobby being a career! And some of you may think that I should be an editor, English teacher, going to Africa, etc. Only one of those will still happen - I will still go to Africa one day, because I WANT TO! Everything is very foreign to me because I didn't plan all of this from the start. My job is holding on by threads because of the limited hours they have to offer and I NEED more hours. ANYWAY, I want to go back to school, but I want to go to a trade school - Massage Therapy School. And I need a job closer to home. I know that I can do it. SO, I'll be applying soon and hoping for financial aid. But, I also want my parents to stop claiming me as a dependent on their taxes. Besides that, not much is going on since we have no money to do anything that we want to do. I'm not as happy as I was initially, but I think that is just because of the stress that is on right now since Nichole was dumped on as sole provider for me. ALTHOUGH, Dad does help out quite a bit with the rent, phone bill, and my car insurance.
That's all I wanted to rant about for now. Hope you didn't mind!
Showing posts with label pastor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pastor. Show all posts
Monday, March 26, 2012
Friday, May 13, 2011
Who
As I look at the boxes in my room, I can't help but think of the last two years of my life. In a way, it is really sad to leave who I've become in the last two years. The ways I've grown are enormous. I've learned more about myself than school subjects. I hate thinking that I am leaving this behind to go back home. But, I'm not going home the same that I was before. And I'm not sure people realize that.
I think about who I was before I left High School. Leaving High School, I was a straight A student who was ON FIRE to become a music educator. I wanted to teach the children of the world music. All I wanted to do was play and teach. Nothing else. Now, I've moved completely away from that into a whole new realm of things. I'm studying the last thing I ever thought I would study and going to school someplace I NEVER thought I would go. I hardly thought twice about my academic future leaving High School. Now, I think about it all the time and wonder if where I'm headed is where God wants me to go.
I think about who I was as a friend. In High School, I had very few friends. But the friends I had were great. I never really opened up to them or allowed them to see my weaknesses. Now, I have the greatest best friend ever whom I call a dear sister! She knows me inside and out and can tell you all my weaknesses! The few friends I have are awesome and know the real me. Outside of that, I'm not very social. Thank you to Brittney, Christine, and Nichole for helping me through this year and sticking with me through it all! And thanks to Julie for being there at the beginning of all the mess of my family and the divorce and helping me see God through it all. My social life is hardly what it was before entering college.
I think about who I was outside of school. Busy. Crazily busy. Now, my health measures what I do. And my passion rules over everything. Doing it all is highly unlikely.
Finally, I think about who I am spiritually. Ha. It would take WAY TOO MANY blog posts to say it all. But, while I've fought with God from everything from hangers, cereal, and the cold shoulder, I have grown exponentially. I know what it is like to be angry at God. I know what it is like to fall before God in tears. I know what it is like to hear His voice. I know what it is like to see Him working in other people's lives in ways you would never dream! I know what it is like to do crazy things for God. I hope and pray I will continue to grow. No matter where life takes me, I know that He is with me. I know that He will protect my travels to Africa.
I never would have guessed that I would go from thinking of myself as a music educator to a missionary all in two years. But, I know that it is what I'm called to do. I can't wait to see the children! May I forever follow God! Never any human being less than Jesus Christ Himself!
So, here's to many more years of learning. Here's to many more years of allowing God to work in my life. Yes, it will be sad leaving this life in Springfield, Missouri. But, I can't tell you how excited I am for this new phase of my life...academically, socially, and spiritually!
I think about who I was before I left High School. Leaving High School, I was a straight A student who was ON FIRE to become a music educator. I wanted to teach the children of the world music. All I wanted to do was play and teach. Nothing else. Now, I've moved completely away from that into a whole new realm of things. I'm studying the last thing I ever thought I would study and going to school someplace I NEVER thought I would go. I hardly thought twice about my academic future leaving High School. Now, I think about it all the time and wonder if where I'm headed is where God wants me to go.
I think about who I was as a friend. In High School, I had very few friends. But the friends I had were great. I never really opened up to them or allowed them to see my weaknesses. Now, I have the greatest best friend ever whom I call a dear sister! She knows me inside and out and can tell you all my weaknesses! The few friends I have are awesome and know the real me. Outside of that, I'm not very social. Thank you to Brittney, Christine, and Nichole for helping me through this year and sticking with me through it all! And thanks to Julie for being there at the beginning of all the mess of my family and the divorce and helping me see God through it all. My social life is hardly what it was before entering college.
I think about who I was outside of school. Busy. Crazily busy. Now, my health measures what I do. And my passion rules over everything. Doing it all is highly unlikely.
Finally, I think about who I am spiritually. Ha. It would take WAY TOO MANY blog posts to say it all. But, while I've fought with God from everything from hangers, cereal, and the cold shoulder, I have grown exponentially. I know what it is like to be angry at God. I know what it is like to fall before God in tears. I know what it is like to hear His voice. I know what it is like to see Him working in other people's lives in ways you would never dream! I know what it is like to do crazy things for God. I hope and pray I will continue to grow. No matter where life takes me, I know that He is with me. I know that He will protect my travels to Africa.
I never would have guessed that I would go from thinking of myself as a music educator to a missionary all in two years. But, I know that it is what I'm called to do. I can't wait to see the children! May I forever follow God! Never any human being less than Jesus Christ Himself!
So, here's to many more years of learning. Here's to many more years of allowing God to work in my life. Yes, it will be sad leaving this life in Springfield, Missouri. But, I can't tell you how excited I am for this new phase of my life...academically, socially, and spiritually!
Monday, May 9, 2011
Justify
Since my decision to become a Catholic, I've fought many battles. Sure, it's been a battle in the last few days as I've announced my decision...But here's the thing:
I shouldn't have to justify myself!
I shouldn't have to make an announcement to everyone about what I'm doing with my life. I shouldn't have to give reasons why I believe what I do. I don't feel like that furthers the kingdom of God! I really don't know how else to say this.
For those of you who care, I'm writing my justification as best as I can and as fully as I feel comfortable putting out there for the world to see. So here it goes.
I was led to the Catholic Church by God. While my experiences in the Catholic Church weren't the greatest as a kid, I learned more and more as I spoke with friends, especially during my high school years. Two of my friends sat at "The Christian Rejects' Table." (That's the name I gave to our lunch table.) These people who sat regularly with me for lunch became some of my closest friends. Two of them were Catholic. I think the discussions and debates that we had were steps in the right direction for me. While I didn't win all of them and neither did they, I think we made huge leaps in establishing our own views of the Church and, most importantly, Christ. I even began respecting their belief system by not eating meat on Fridays during Lent as well as giving up something more as a sacrifice and not being rude towards their opinions, no matter how wrong I thought they were. I too would make the sign of the cross when we prayed with each other. It was normal for me to become tolerant and explore other faiths as a high school student. I must say that by having quite a few faiths present, the discussions were great: Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Pagan, and Assembly of God. And this was merely high school.
As I moved into college, I began to explore the various campus ministries. I went to Green Room, which is a Methodist ministry, for quite a while. I served on leadership and played in the worship band. Then, we revised the ministry. I was no longer on leadership. I began to explore again. I couldn't just sit around and only go to the worship service. I tried to lead a small group (aka - life group), but the groups were discontinued after a while. I must admit that I believe that discontinuing the groups was a bad decision as I look back. Meanwhile, I went to a few Christian ministries that don't group themselves with a particular church. I also tried CCM. CCM is the Catholic Campus Ministry on Missouri State University's campus. (Yes, that's the school where I've spent the last two years of my life.) I went to a noon mass with a friend named Katie. (Hopefully she doesn't mind!) She really was an awesome example of the Catholic faith and made me want to explore it. I researched it a bit. I also want to know what all the things were that I was saying, or supposed to say. Now, I'm happy to announce that I can successfully make it through a noon mass, knowing all the words!!! Katie really encouraged me to come again, but because I couldn't take communion, I had a hard time going, though I loved the formality with which they approached communion. I learned the whereabouts of what one is supposed to do and where one should go within the service. I loved it though. It was a break from all of the busyness of the school day.
As the semester broke and I was headed into my second year at MSU, I was called to cover my head. I did NOT want to cover my head, yet I reluctantly followed God's prodding. I must admit that I loved covering once I got past it all. But, as I was researching it, I kept finding all these Christian women who covered their head...however, they were Catholic. While they were not nuns, they still covered. There's another time that I've dug into Scripture, but also the tradition of the church. Of course, that was the Church - the Catholic Church. So, I began doing all sort of research on Catholicism and wondered if the change might be good...however, there were still some doctrine that I didn't quite agree with.
This year has been phenomenal in regards to my spiritual life. I never would have guessed that I would become angry at God. But I did. I never would have thought that my best friend would walk away from me and classify me in her heart as unforgivable, but then turn back four months later and forgive me. I never would have thought that I would EVER be diagnosed with a chronic illness. But I was. I never would have thought that I would cover my head for a semester, even as a Muslim woman might...but I did. I never would have guessed that I would begin the ministry process. But I did. I never would have guessed that I would END the ministry process, but I did. You know, there are just things in your life that affect your spirituality. My parents divorced and my health declined. I became angry at God. It was just how it played out. I think what is so hard for me to grasp is how I grew from it all. Even when I was angry at God I was still growing. Even when I was classified as unforgivable, I was still growing. Even when I looked like a Muslim woman, I was still growing. I've grown from what I was a year ago and I won't stop growing.
God is taking me places in my life that I've never explored before. I'm not becoming a Catholic merely because I believe what a Catholic believes. It is more. More than I feel comfortable telling. But I'll give you a bit.
When I was angry at God, my devotional life completely declined. I lost my discipline. I lost the desire to want to know God. I became someone who was merely going through the motions. I don't want to be like that. I want a church where I can be pushed to grow. I want the accountability of confession. I want to be able to show that reverence to my Savior that I've lost somewhere. I found that in the Catholic church. I want to go to mass with the intent to worship God. I don't want to go there to evaluate the sermon and decide what I've learned. I want to go there to worship. I don't want to go to have a social life. I want to go there to worship. I think what I love most is that I still have the opportunity to learn and socialize outside of the hour of mass. And now that I've researched Catholicism more than ever, I know the backing behind every disagreement I've had. I can see where the Church is coming from and I'm okay with it. But, like I said, becoming a Catholic is more than theology for me. If it were merely theology, I would forget about it. But it isn't. It is a life decision. I wasn't hasty in making it either. It took years as I've written. And it's been turning in my mind for months. And it's been on my heart for weeks. And it's been put there by God.
One day, I will go to Africa. And I will teach children how to read and write. I will teach them how to take care of themselves. But more than that, I will teach them the reverence of God that I've embraced. I will teach them how God holds out His arms for them to come running to them on good days and bad days. I will show them how to study God's Word. I will show them the One who can bring hope and comfort to their lives. I will go to Africa. It may be dangerous. It may be a crazy idea. BUT...I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to regret it later in life by following what others want. I want to live my life in the way I see fit to further the kingdom of God. I am an adult, so I should be able to do that. I'm grateful for all my parents have taught me thus far. And they will continue to teach me. But I hope that they and you can understand that I can't justify every life decision that I make. I can't make everyone happy. So, I'm focusing on one - God.
I want to be a Catholic. And I want to go to Africa. I don't want to have to justify everything to you, because I hope that eventually it will become normal for me to stray away from the Motions we get caught in...
I shouldn't have to justify myself!
I shouldn't have to make an announcement to everyone about what I'm doing with my life. I shouldn't have to give reasons why I believe what I do. I don't feel like that furthers the kingdom of God! I really don't know how else to say this.
For those of you who care, I'm writing my justification as best as I can and as fully as I feel comfortable putting out there for the world to see. So here it goes.
I was led to the Catholic Church by God. While my experiences in the Catholic Church weren't the greatest as a kid, I learned more and more as I spoke with friends, especially during my high school years. Two of my friends sat at "The Christian Rejects' Table." (That's the name I gave to our lunch table.) These people who sat regularly with me for lunch became some of my closest friends. Two of them were Catholic. I think the discussions and debates that we had were steps in the right direction for me. While I didn't win all of them and neither did they, I think we made huge leaps in establishing our own views of the Church and, most importantly, Christ. I even began respecting their belief system by not eating meat on Fridays during Lent as well as giving up something more as a sacrifice and not being rude towards their opinions, no matter how wrong I thought they were. I too would make the sign of the cross when we prayed with each other. It was normal for me to become tolerant and explore other faiths as a high school student. I must say that by having quite a few faiths present, the discussions were great: Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Pagan, and Assembly of God. And this was merely high school.
As I moved into college, I began to explore the various campus ministries. I went to Green Room, which is a Methodist ministry, for quite a while. I served on leadership and played in the worship band. Then, we revised the ministry. I was no longer on leadership. I began to explore again. I couldn't just sit around and only go to the worship service. I tried to lead a small group (aka - life group), but the groups were discontinued after a while. I must admit that I believe that discontinuing the groups was a bad decision as I look back. Meanwhile, I went to a few Christian ministries that don't group themselves with a particular church. I also tried CCM. CCM is the Catholic Campus Ministry on Missouri State University's campus. (Yes, that's the school where I've spent the last two years of my life.) I went to a noon mass with a friend named Katie. (Hopefully she doesn't mind!) She really was an awesome example of the Catholic faith and made me want to explore it. I researched it a bit. I also want to know what all the things were that I was saying, or supposed to say. Now, I'm happy to announce that I can successfully make it through a noon mass, knowing all the words!!! Katie really encouraged me to come again, but because I couldn't take communion, I had a hard time going, though I loved the formality with which they approached communion. I learned the whereabouts of what one is supposed to do and where one should go within the service. I loved it though. It was a break from all of the busyness of the school day.
As the semester broke and I was headed into my second year at MSU, I was called to cover my head. I did NOT want to cover my head, yet I reluctantly followed God's prodding. I must admit that I loved covering once I got past it all. But, as I was researching it, I kept finding all these Christian women who covered their head...however, they were Catholic. While they were not nuns, they still covered. There's another time that I've dug into Scripture, but also the tradition of the church. Of course, that was the Church - the Catholic Church. So, I began doing all sort of research on Catholicism and wondered if the change might be good...however, there were still some doctrine that I didn't quite agree with.
This year has been phenomenal in regards to my spiritual life. I never would have guessed that I would become angry at God. But I did. I never would have thought that my best friend would walk away from me and classify me in her heart as unforgivable, but then turn back four months later and forgive me. I never would have thought that I would EVER be diagnosed with a chronic illness. But I was. I never would have thought that I would cover my head for a semester, even as a Muslim woman might...but I did. I never would have guessed that I would begin the ministry process. But I did. I never would have guessed that I would END the ministry process, but I did. You know, there are just things in your life that affect your spirituality. My parents divorced and my health declined. I became angry at God. It was just how it played out. I think what is so hard for me to grasp is how I grew from it all. Even when I was angry at God I was still growing. Even when I was classified as unforgivable, I was still growing. Even when I looked like a Muslim woman, I was still growing. I've grown from what I was a year ago and I won't stop growing.
God is taking me places in my life that I've never explored before. I'm not becoming a Catholic merely because I believe what a Catholic believes. It is more. More than I feel comfortable telling. But I'll give you a bit.
When I was angry at God, my devotional life completely declined. I lost my discipline. I lost the desire to want to know God. I became someone who was merely going through the motions. I don't want to be like that. I want a church where I can be pushed to grow. I want the accountability of confession. I want to be able to show that reverence to my Savior that I've lost somewhere. I found that in the Catholic church. I want to go to mass with the intent to worship God. I don't want to go there to evaluate the sermon and decide what I've learned. I want to go there to worship. I don't want to go to have a social life. I want to go there to worship. I think what I love most is that I still have the opportunity to learn and socialize outside of the hour of mass. And now that I've researched Catholicism more than ever, I know the backing behind every disagreement I've had. I can see where the Church is coming from and I'm okay with it. But, like I said, becoming a Catholic is more than theology for me. If it were merely theology, I would forget about it. But it isn't. It is a life decision. I wasn't hasty in making it either. It took years as I've written. And it's been turning in my mind for months. And it's been on my heart for weeks. And it's been put there by God.
One day, I will go to Africa. And I will teach children how to read and write. I will teach them how to take care of themselves. But more than that, I will teach them the reverence of God that I've embraced. I will teach them how God holds out His arms for them to come running to them on good days and bad days. I will show them how to study God's Word. I will show them the One who can bring hope and comfort to their lives. I will go to Africa. It may be dangerous. It may be a crazy idea. BUT...I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to regret it later in life by following what others want. I want to live my life in the way I see fit to further the kingdom of God. I am an adult, so I should be able to do that. I'm grateful for all my parents have taught me thus far. And they will continue to teach me. But I hope that they and you can understand that I can't justify every life decision that I make. I can't make everyone happy. So, I'm focusing on one - God.
I want to be a Catholic. And I want to go to Africa. I don't want to have to justify everything to you, because I hope that eventually it will become normal for me to stray away from the Motions we get caught in...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Journey into the Unknown
Today, I've really missed the familiar. Ya know, the stuff I've been doing to worship Jesus for the last 19 years, 11 months, and one day! But, I'm positive that I'm headed in the right direction. Once I'm in His Presence, I know that what I'm doing is right. As anyone might guess, it wears off. And I freak out and my uncertainty comes back. But it isn't so much uncertainty about my decision as it is moving into the unfamiliar. Anyhow, I don't want to drag this out because my hands hurt pretty bad right now as they are swollen, but...
I went up for a blessing at communion today, since I'm not Catholic yet. The lady didn't really know what to do with someone who doesn't want or can't take communion. So, I just tried to forgive and forget...but I couldn't forget. It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I look back on it and laugh. But at the time, I was nearly in tears. It was hard enough being closed from the table, though I understand why I couldn't partake in the meal. So, that will be one thing that I'll just have to learn to deal with while I'm not Catholic and perhaps this time away from the meal will help me truly appreciate the significance of it, though it pains me to wait. Another phase of my wilderness. :)
On another note, I "told" my Methodist pastor about becoming Catholic through an email after his asking if I could preach at the end of June. So, hopefully he takes it well and doesn't ask too many questions. ;)
Okay. I'm done. I'm becoming a Catholic, so bear with me as I transition. OH...And my best friend/sister, Nichole, says the bestest prayers ever!!! :-) So, enjoy the ride as I journey into the unknown......
I went up for a blessing at communion today, since I'm not Catholic yet. The lady didn't really know what to do with someone who doesn't want or can't take communion. So, I just tried to forgive and forget...but I couldn't forget. It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I look back on it and laugh. But at the time, I was nearly in tears. It was hard enough being closed from the table, though I understand why I couldn't partake in the meal. So, that will be one thing that I'll just have to learn to deal with while I'm not Catholic and perhaps this time away from the meal will help me truly appreciate the significance of it, though it pains me to wait. Another phase of my wilderness. :)
On another note, I "told" my Methodist pastor about becoming Catholic through an email after his asking if I could preach at the end of June. So, hopefully he takes it well and doesn't ask too many questions. ;)
Okay. I'm done. I'm becoming a Catholic, so bear with me as I transition. OH...And my best friend/sister, Nichole, says the bestest prayers ever!!! :-) So, enjoy the ride as I journey into the unknown......
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Confessions of Change
Today has been hard. I woke up with a headache and fibro pain that I thought would be the death of me. BUT, I was still on a positivity kick from my best friend, Nichole. So, I had the song Blessings by Laura Story playing in my head over and over and over and over. At first, it was really annoying. I even played it a couple times via YouTube, but I couldn't get it out of my head. Soon, it became more of a comfort. I sang along and tried to allow the words to flow from my heart. By the time I was leaving that morning, I had been annoyed by the song, comforted by the song, encouraged by the song, and made fun of the song because of the fantastic mood that I was in, amidst the pain.
I had a pretty decent time with classes and hanging out with a new friend. I did something today that I intend on doing again tomorrow. I reminded myself of my purpose. But, within some time, I was back to stressed out Samantha. I listened to the details of my final exam for one of my classes. Needless to say, it freaked me out! Eight essays..."You may need more than one blue book?!" WHAT?! Immediately, I had my mind on my health issues. I was thinking about how it generally goes now-a-days where my writing hand goes numb or hurts like crazy to where it can't function after a short time of taking notes. I freaked out. My breathing became shallow and quick. I started to get super nervous. My headache reappeared, that had dissipated after a couple hours this morning, stronger than ever. Nichole tried to calm me. But the exam was still approaching and still making me anxious. In the midst of our conversation, I got the feeling that my nerves weren't helping her whatsoever, so I tried to drop the topic and brought up the dreaded topic of health. Clearly that was a bad idea, because afterward she got off the phone as soon as she possibly could. (Now, this is only my side of the story, so do not blame her whatsoever for what has been said.) This topic seems to be identified as negative. Especially since health issues are always seeming to cause pain. Mine are limited compared to what Nichole fights against every single day of her life. Gotta admit, I still admire her perseverance to keep fighting no matter what comes her way. It's something deep within her that I still haven't figured out, but that I hope I have that in me too. :)
Anyhow, it wasn't until later that I figured out what I had done. And at first, it really frustrated me. I have been talking to her about her health since the beginning, and she's heard about my health (even before the fibro crap) since the beginning of our friendship. It was common for us to respond to the "How are you?" question with health or school/work issues. I felt like it was a huge rope in our friendship because we were able to answer honestly and openly. But now, it is almost a thread that you don't want to cut for fear the day may fall apart. HOWEVER, I still believe the question can be asked. I know that the strive to be positive can fall apart if we really dwell on the answer to the question. I know that I begin to survey all of my pain and how many bad things happened that day. But, it could be much easier on us as humans if we answer openly, but without dwelling too much on the bad. If we looked at the good in relation to the bad. I just fear that I answer how are you questions with much too negative and LONG answers. So, brevity is becoming my new specialty and I will be open to further questioning if wanted. I can't wait for the days when I can answer "How are you?" with fantastic, regardless of how I may be feeling that day!
Along with all of the conversational side of things, I'm making some changes in my life. And honestly, some of them are pretty big changes. One of which is the switch to more positive thinking! This completely has to rearrange my way of thinking. Instead of dwelling on the pain I am feeling, I have to focus on other things. And sometimes, I have to focus REALLY HARD! So, I don't know what is going to become of this. I think it is going to be something I just have to train myself to do. So, bear with me as I make the change.
Another change is the shift in my career. I know I seem to be going back and forth with this one. But, I'm positive now. (This is where the title comes in. Haha.) I'm not going to be a United Methodist Pastor. Surprise! I would really love to discuss this more, but it would take three blog posts in itself! In brief, I don't feel like God has called me to lead the church in this way. I feel like I would have such a comfortable life. I know that some think this is my God-given dream, but it isn't my dream. I've thought a lot about it. And yes, I feel very comfortable in the pulpit! But, it isn't where God has called me to be. As I think back to my calling, God seemed to place a desire in my heart for something, or rather, somewhere other than America. Yes, Africa. I never felt comfortable in the ministry process. It just isn't my home. God has called me to be a pastor in a different way. He has called me to be a missionary. It goes back to my purpose. To help people...and to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth!
If this switch displeases you, or if you feel I'm making the wrong decision, I'm sorry. But, I'm following God's lead. Until now, I haven't seen exactly where He was leading. I wanted so badly for it to go my way and to be planned out. But, I got mad at God for all the health issues. And while I didn't run away, I protested. I stopped doing daily devotions. Prayer time became my list of requests time, without any time to listen for a response. Study was...only when absolutely necessary for some group or church thing. I started to find church to be unhelpful. Friends had deserted. Family issues peaked. Nothing was going my way. But then, the dream of Africa was watered. It was renewed. I began searching my heart for what I know best. I began to examine my life as a disciple of Jesus. Frankly, I failed. Miserably! But, the longing was there. The desire to know God has been fueled. Depression and anger will not win!!! I won't let it. I can't let it. My faith is what has held me to this point, and it will be what holds me until the end of my life and beyond!
Tonight, I got pretty down. A person that I usually spend a lot of my time talking to in the evenings decided to take a break from the world. I didn't know what to do. I went to a campus ministry night with a friend. Not going to lie, I had a great time! The people became a family, and soon I knew quite a few names and faces and a lot about their personality. It just made my night. Too bad it is at the end of the semester that I found this campus ministry. But, the social aspect of my life tonight got me going again.
I'm not saying that I need a jillion more friends. Honestly, I love the one best friend that I have with all that I am. But, being able to goof off tonight and act like a college student was something I hadn't done in a while with all my oldladyitis.
On my way home from the campus ministry night, I stopped at a Christian book store. (Yes, Dad...) I picked up a "missions journal." I'm not really sure what it is all about, but I really feel the need to start journaling again and getting into the habit of reading Scripture. This blog has really become a journal, but I need a place to journal prayers, that may be a lil' too private for the blogging world. ;) Anyhow, I hope it is something that I can keep up with and that I can be encouraged by the experience of examining exactly where God has called me to be a missionary and how that might take place.
ALSO...There is one more change that I'm making in my life. I can't discuss it on here right now, but a few people know what I'm referring to. I can just assure you that I'm making this decision with a huge amount of prayer and discernment. But, the decision is, indeed, mine to make. So, I'd appreciate any and all prayers you can send up for me.
As I pulled into my apartment complex tonight, I noticed the moon. I probably haven't looked at the sky in ages. But, no joke, it looked like the moon was smiling at me. Had I not slowed my day down enough to focus on God, I would have NEVER seen the moon. I would have never seen the silver smile that seemed to confirm that all I am doing is good.
So, there are my confessions of change. I am just trying to remember that no matter what, life will be good. Not always simple or easy, but good. And God is with me. And His Presence can mean all the difference between a good day and a bad day. That's all I got! Adios!
I had a pretty decent time with classes and hanging out with a new friend. I did something today that I intend on doing again tomorrow. I reminded myself of my purpose. But, within some time, I was back to stressed out Samantha. I listened to the details of my final exam for one of my classes. Needless to say, it freaked me out! Eight essays..."You may need more than one blue book?!" WHAT?! Immediately, I had my mind on my health issues. I was thinking about how it generally goes now-a-days where my writing hand goes numb or hurts like crazy to where it can't function after a short time of taking notes. I freaked out. My breathing became shallow and quick. I started to get super nervous. My headache reappeared, that had dissipated after a couple hours this morning, stronger than ever. Nichole tried to calm me. But the exam was still approaching and still making me anxious. In the midst of our conversation, I got the feeling that my nerves weren't helping her whatsoever, so I tried to drop the topic and brought up the dreaded topic of health. Clearly that was a bad idea, because afterward she got off the phone as soon as she possibly could. (Now, this is only my side of the story, so do not blame her whatsoever for what has been said.) This topic seems to be identified as negative. Especially since health issues are always seeming to cause pain. Mine are limited compared to what Nichole fights against every single day of her life. Gotta admit, I still admire her perseverance to keep fighting no matter what comes her way. It's something deep within her that I still haven't figured out, but that I hope I have that in me too. :)
Anyhow, it wasn't until later that I figured out what I had done. And at first, it really frustrated me. I have been talking to her about her health since the beginning, and she's heard about my health (even before the fibro crap) since the beginning of our friendship. It was common for us to respond to the "How are you?" question with health or school/work issues. I felt like it was a huge rope in our friendship because we were able to answer honestly and openly. But now, it is almost a thread that you don't want to cut for fear the day may fall apart. HOWEVER, I still believe the question can be asked. I know that the strive to be positive can fall apart if we really dwell on the answer to the question. I know that I begin to survey all of my pain and how many bad things happened that day. But, it could be much easier on us as humans if we answer openly, but without dwelling too much on the bad. If we looked at the good in relation to the bad. I just fear that I answer how are you questions with much too negative and LONG answers. So, brevity is becoming my new specialty and I will be open to further questioning if wanted. I can't wait for the days when I can answer "How are you?" with fantastic, regardless of how I may be feeling that day!
Along with all of the conversational side of things, I'm making some changes in my life. And honestly, some of them are pretty big changes. One of which is the switch to more positive thinking! This completely has to rearrange my way of thinking. Instead of dwelling on the pain I am feeling, I have to focus on other things. And sometimes, I have to focus REALLY HARD! So, I don't know what is going to become of this. I think it is going to be something I just have to train myself to do. So, bear with me as I make the change.
Another change is the shift in my career. I know I seem to be going back and forth with this one. But, I'm positive now. (This is where the title comes in. Haha.) I'm not going to be a United Methodist Pastor. Surprise! I would really love to discuss this more, but it would take three blog posts in itself! In brief, I don't feel like God has called me to lead the church in this way. I feel like I would have such a comfortable life. I know that some think this is my God-given dream, but it isn't my dream. I've thought a lot about it. And yes, I feel very comfortable in the pulpit! But, it isn't where God has called me to be. As I think back to my calling, God seemed to place a desire in my heart for something, or rather, somewhere other than America. Yes, Africa. I never felt comfortable in the ministry process. It just isn't my home. God has called me to be a pastor in a different way. He has called me to be a missionary. It goes back to my purpose. To help people...and to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth!
If this switch displeases you, or if you feel I'm making the wrong decision, I'm sorry. But, I'm following God's lead. Until now, I haven't seen exactly where He was leading. I wanted so badly for it to go my way and to be planned out. But, I got mad at God for all the health issues. And while I didn't run away, I protested. I stopped doing daily devotions. Prayer time became my list of requests time, without any time to listen for a response. Study was...only when absolutely necessary for some group or church thing. I started to find church to be unhelpful. Friends had deserted. Family issues peaked. Nothing was going my way. But then, the dream of Africa was watered. It was renewed. I began searching my heart for what I know best. I began to examine my life as a disciple of Jesus. Frankly, I failed. Miserably! But, the longing was there. The desire to know God has been fueled. Depression and anger will not win!!! I won't let it. I can't let it. My faith is what has held me to this point, and it will be what holds me until the end of my life and beyond!
Tonight, I got pretty down. A person that I usually spend a lot of my time talking to in the evenings decided to take a break from the world. I didn't know what to do. I went to a campus ministry night with a friend. Not going to lie, I had a great time! The people became a family, and soon I knew quite a few names and faces and a lot about their personality. It just made my night. Too bad it is at the end of the semester that I found this campus ministry. But, the social aspect of my life tonight got me going again.
I'm not saying that I need a jillion more friends. Honestly, I love the one best friend that I have with all that I am. But, being able to goof off tonight and act like a college student was something I hadn't done in a while with all my oldladyitis.
On my way home from the campus ministry night, I stopped at a Christian book store. (Yes, Dad...) I picked up a "missions journal." I'm not really sure what it is all about, but I really feel the need to start journaling again and getting into the habit of reading Scripture. This blog has really become a journal, but I need a place to journal prayers, that may be a lil' too private for the blogging world. ;) Anyhow, I hope it is something that I can keep up with and that I can be encouraged by the experience of examining exactly where God has called me to be a missionary and how that might take place.
ALSO...There is one more change that I'm making in my life. I can't discuss it on here right now, but a few people know what I'm referring to. I can just assure you that I'm making this decision with a huge amount of prayer and discernment. But, the decision is, indeed, mine to make. So, I'd appreciate any and all prayers you can send up for me.
As I pulled into my apartment complex tonight, I noticed the moon. I probably haven't looked at the sky in ages. But, no joke, it looked like the moon was smiling at me. Had I not slowed my day down enough to focus on God, I would have NEVER seen the moon. I would have never seen the silver smile that seemed to confirm that all I am doing is good.
So, there are my confessions of change. I am just trying to remember that no matter what, life will be good. Not always simple or easy, but good. And God is with me. And His Presence can mean all the difference between a good day and a bad day. That's all I got! Adios!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
My Role
Today was pretty awesome, aside from the pain. I was at the women's retreat at my church in my college town. It was a good retreat, but more than that I was able to educate so many people about fibromyalgia and chronic pain. I love to tell people all about the illness(es) and what it is like for someone to live with this illness. I really can do without the pity party. Sorry-s don't mean much to me when so many people are living in ignorance about this illness. So, I'd rather educate them and tell them about it. I'll tell them what medicines and treatments are available and what I do outside of the medical world to get relief! It's really encouraging to know that others are interested in learning about the illness too. I just have to make it relevant for them to know in order for the interest to be there, or their already listening heart. :-)
My friend Nichole and I have decided that we are going to put together a workshop about chronic pain and living with it. We want it to be available for everyone, whether one is suffering from chronic pain or family, friends, or a complete stranger to the idea of chronic pain. I would love for it to be well-known enough that we begin to get requests from those around us to come and do it at their work, hospital staff, church or wherever! In it, we hope to talk about illnesses that cause chronic pain and how those with the pain cope with it, a list of things to say and things not to say, and to share a few stories from people with chronic pain as well as our own stories. I am getting SUPER excited to begin preparing it over the summer, which is quickly approaching.
Another thing that I determined today was that my calling is still to be a pastor. As much as I want to deny it and avoid it, it is my God-given calling. I know that I have been through the hell of life to prepare me for this. I honestly dislike God for allowing it to happen. But, as we work through our struggles (well, my struggles), I'm finding that my passion still lies in the ministry. I love writing and editing. I love reading and playing music. But, I LOVE being in the church. I love bringing people to know and love Christ. Even when I'm mad at God for the crap that I've been through, I still know that He is there. And I think His presence is what really keeps me going. I know that I'm not alone. I may not always believe that He has the best interest in mind for me, but I know that He will always be there. So, there's my nice little revelation for the day. I don't know what is going to happen between the chronic pain workshop this summer and the creative writing major, but I know that He will be there. And eventually, I will be a pastor. I may still be able to write and edit and play music for a living. But, it will happen.
I will say that I am not starting up with the pastoral process right away. I need time to digest and figure out who I am in Christ.
So for now, my role is an educator. To educate people about chronic pain. To educate people about living a life in God's presence. And to educate people about Him. Perhaps not in leadership or in that pastoral role. But, as an ordinary human being put on earth for the glory of God. That's my role.
My friend Nichole and I have decided that we are going to put together a workshop about chronic pain and living with it. We want it to be available for everyone, whether one is suffering from chronic pain or family, friends, or a complete stranger to the idea of chronic pain. I would love for it to be well-known enough that we begin to get requests from those around us to come and do it at their work, hospital staff, church or wherever! In it, we hope to talk about illnesses that cause chronic pain and how those with the pain cope with it, a list of things to say and things not to say, and to share a few stories from people with chronic pain as well as our own stories. I am getting SUPER excited to begin preparing it over the summer, which is quickly approaching.
Another thing that I determined today was that my calling is still to be a pastor. As much as I want to deny it and avoid it, it is my God-given calling. I know that I have been through the hell of life to prepare me for this. I honestly dislike God for allowing it to happen. But, as we work through our struggles (well, my struggles), I'm finding that my passion still lies in the ministry. I love writing and editing. I love reading and playing music. But, I LOVE being in the church. I love bringing people to know and love Christ. Even when I'm mad at God for the crap that I've been through, I still know that He is there. And I think His presence is what really keeps me going. I know that I'm not alone. I may not always believe that He has the best interest in mind for me, but I know that He will always be there. So, there's my nice little revelation for the day. I don't know what is going to happen between the chronic pain workshop this summer and the creative writing major, but I know that He will be there. And eventually, I will be a pastor. I may still be able to write and edit and play music for a living. But, it will happen.
I will say that I am not starting up with the pastoral process right away. I need time to digest and figure out who I am in Christ.
So for now, my role is an educator. To educate people about chronic pain. To educate people about living a life in God's presence. And to educate people about Him. Perhaps not in leadership or in that pastoral role. But, as an ordinary human being put on earth for the glory of God. That's my role.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Today
So, this post definitely won't be long because of the following information:
OWWWWW!
And going on with life...I had a pretty fantastic day. Part of it was spent on the campus where I will spend my remaining years of college, which was awesome. Lots of great news, see post below if ya want to know how it went. Furthermore, I have gotten to spend time with my adopted sister, found out lots of interesting things, and I had a steak. Very much exciting. It was a cheap steak, but a steak nonetheless. :)
Anyhow, I went to the Maundy Thursday service with her and it was quite different than the usual service that I can recite...although it was much like a Good Friday service, which I'll go to tomorrow. Haha. But, hopefully I get a chance to write about my thoughts, especially during the communion time. Because I sit near the front, okay...the front row, of this church, I hear the pastors as they give the communion elements. Most pastors seem to have the generic "This is the body of Christ given for you" and "This is the blood of Christ shed for you." However, some like to shake things up a bit. So, I was listening to the pastor tonight who kept saying over and over and over "This is the body of Jesus and He gave Himself up for you." But what really struck me was that she meant it every single time and even with the children, she said "This is from Jesus and He loves you very much." <--- That makes me smile. And watching a lil' girl pray at the altar was just priceless. It reminded me of when I was little...AND I MEAN REALLY little. :) Maybe I'll speak more about what really got to me latter. But not now.
HANDS are TOAST for tonight. One more email and that'll be it. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Too many bad days in a row discourage me. So yeah. That was today! All in all, minus the pain, it was an interesting day! A fun day! A good day!
OWWWWW!
And going on with life...I had a pretty fantastic day. Part of it was spent on the campus where I will spend my remaining years of college, which was awesome. Lots of great news, see post below if ya want to know how it went. Furthermore, I have gotten to spend time with my adopted sister, found out lots of interesting things, and I had a steak. Very much exciting. It was a cheap steak, but a steak nonetheless. :)
Anyhow, I went to the Maundy Thursday service with her and it was quite different than the usual service that I can recite...although it was much like a Good Friday service, which I'll go to tomorrow. Haha. But, hopefully I get a chance to write about my thoughts, especially during the communion time. Because I sit near the front, okay...the front row, of this church, I hear the pastors as they give the communion elements. Most pastors seem to have the generic "This is the body of Christ given for you" and "This is the blood of Christ shed for you." However, some like to shake things up a bit. So, I was listening to the pastor tonight who kept saying over and over and over "This is the body of Jesus and He gave Himself up for you." But what really struck me was that she meant it every single time and even with the children, she said "This is from Jesus and He loves you very much." <--- That makes me smile. And watching a lil' girl pray at the altar was just priceless. It reminded me of when I was little...AND I MEAN REALLY little. :) Maybe I'll speak more about what really got to me latter. But not now.
HANDS are TOAST for tonight. One more email and that'll be it. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Too many bad days in a row discourage me. So yeah. That was today! All in all, minus the pain, it was an interesting day! A fun day! A good day!
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