Hello Blogging World -
I seem to be feeling nostalgic tonight as I try to figure out specifics of the next steps I am taking in my life. That's where the nostalgia begins...At one point in time, I was absolutely certain of where I was headed. In fact, last night, I dreamed of being in a small, old practice room on the bottom floor of Ellis Hall, where I began my college journey. In high school, I determined that I was going to school to be a music educator and that was that. I devoted every spare and waking moment to pursuing that goal. I spent several weeks where I put over 300 hours into my music. I practiced the flute until my hands were beyond repair and my eyes darted to and fro reading music. I would go to school early to practice and stay after school late to practice and then go home and practice and practiced again around 11:30pm, which was a given practice time-every night. Regardless. I was certain and I devoted myself to it. Now, I can't even remember the last time I spent an hour practicing my flute though there have been a few times where I have picked it up or played a tune for my guys. I just can't hardly believe that I devoted myself to it to the extent I did and now I do nothing for it. I am quickly reminded why I miss it so much!
I had an absolutely amazing band teacher for two years of high school. The very first time she challenged me with a piece for contest, it was certainly a challenge not because of the technicality of the piece but because of the story the piece had to portray. Every piece has a story. Whether it is a story you give it or that you must portray through it, the music takes all you've got for those 3 minutes. From that point on, I poured all of who I was into the music. The music shaped who I was and I shaped the music. Not only that, but my faith, my religion, my belief in God was poured through the music that came from the instruments I played. And inadvertently, part of who I was got left behind when I left the music program at Missouri State University. Crazy enough, I didn't even find it when I went to the music program at Lindenwood University.
I have God for sure. Thankfully, He never left me. But I remember why I love music. I communicated not only to the world through music but also to God. I communicated to myself the pain I felt and the craziness of life. I found comfort and excitement through playing music and listening and evaluating the story behind the music.
So, where does this take me tonight? I'm not sure. I'm still positive that I'm not meant to be a music teacher. But I do know that for the sake of my humanity, I ought to keep my talent alive because it kept me alive. I used to be good at playing the flute. I'm not sure I'm so great now because I have devoted the time to it. But perhaps some day I can manage to be awesome at it again. That is....as long as I remember the goodness of music and the language it has deep within the soul....my soul.
Nostalgia can be detrimental. If we begin to look and focus on the past so much that we forget we have a future that we can help create ahead of us, it is then that looking back can be harmful. However, if we use it as a propeller and motivator for our future, then so be the good in it. If we think about it, the Israelite were often nostalgic, with some good and some bad. Thinking about "how good it was back in Egypt in slavery" was not at the top of the list of precious moments in Israelite history. However, the lessons they learned and the ways God had blessed them are remembered every single morning and evening as they recite the Shema and other prayers. As they read the scrolls, they read them as though it is their history of their grandparents, as it is....plus a few generations or so.
Remember but don't dwell. Remember and be thankful.
Musically Yours -
Reclaimed.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Monday, August 5, 2013
Big God, Big Vision - Pt 1
This has been laying on my heart deeply lately, so I figured I would try to put into words how BIG our God is and how BIG our vision should be. This will be done in parts, so this is section 1 of 8. Read, comment, whatever! But know that I love and appreciate feedback/discussion!
1. Dream Big
2. Have Hope that God is FOR YOU!
3. Stand in the face of Opposition
4. Reality of following/trusting God
5. Needing God beyond heaven and hell
6. Denying yourself and your will
7. Exchanging Your Desires for His Desires
8. Getting Excited to Live
1. Dream Big
2. Have Hope that God is FOR YOU!
3. Stand in the face of Opposition
4. Reality of following/trusting God
5. Needing God beyond heaven and hell
6. Denying yourself and your will
7. Exchanging Your Desires for His Desires
8. Getting Excited to Live
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SECTION ONE: DREAM BIG
“Look at the nations, and watch –
And be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe, even if you were told.”
Habakkuk 1:5 (NIV)
Be EXCITED! You cannot even imagine what God is doing or
His Master Plan! You can’t even piece
together what heaven is going to look like or even what is going to happen in
the future of your marriage, kids, career, church, or the world around you. So much of Scripture talks about an
omnipresent God. It talks about a God
who is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful. Yet, we limit ourselves.
When we pray we ask for little
things like, “Lord, give comfort to Billy Joe.
It’s just a really hard time for him.
Be with him, Lord.” DUH! God is already going to be with poor Billy
Joe and God could do SOOOO much more if we widened our view of God. Now, I am not saying this is a “Name It,
Claim It” philosophy which is often looked upon in a negative light. But I am saying we limit God by believing he
can do so little for us. Think about it,
when did you actually ask and believe that God was going to do something huge
and impossible? In reality, we treat God
as if He is small and honestly – BORING!
If we truly want to learn how to create a vision for ourselves and our
church, then we need to attempt to visualize how big our God is! We cannot get into a rut of little prayers
accomplishing little things with little belief that our God can do more.
Job got a nice long speech about how
big our God is. He hit a rough patch in
life. It was tragic really. He lost everything. He lost his crops and livestock, his
belongings, his career, and his family to the very last relative. All of it was dead because God allowed Satan
to test him to see if God was right about Job being righteous before God. Not only did he lose his family and
belongings, he also lost his health. He
got these sores that oozed out puss and yet he didn’t curse God as tempted, but
rather Job sat in ashes, scrapping his wounds with a piece of broken
pottery.
I admire Job at this point in the
story. When I got sick, I was not so
quick to just sit around and wait for God’s work to finish. Instead, I got angry. I got so angry that I stopped going to church
and believing that God really cared about us humans. I was a perfectly healthy 19-year old college
student who was headed for greatness, or so I thought! I was going to get my bachelor’s degree in
less than four years and head to graduate school for my dream career! Well, I was going to do all of that until I
was in a fender bender that traumatized my body into full-time, constant,
chronic pain. Day and night, 24 hours a
day, 7 days a wee, my body writhed in pain.
Doctors thought I had gone mentally crazy. Doctor after doctor, medical bill after
medical bill, I strived for an answer.
But I longed for an answer far more than a diagnosis could bring. I wanted to know why. Why me?
Why was I cursed to live with this pain as long as my body had
life? With the pain came far more than
an achy body. Friends left quickly. Many didn’t believe me as it was not a
disease of the outside, but rather an inner aching pain that begins attacking a
body where no infection lies. Lupus SLE
was the diagnosis, but it didn’t answer why I was being forced to live in
constant pain. The people who stuck
around me gave all sorts of advice as to why it might be happening to me.
Job faced the same thing. As he sat in ashes, friends came and sat by
him. I imagine he liked when they sat
merely in silence, mourning his loss with him, until finally, they spoke. They told him the age-old stories of why he
had to go through all of this pain. But,
as you can imagine, not many words can calm someone when you are dealing with
that kind of pain. Eventually, after
many days, Job is pushed to the breaking point.
In Job 29, he merely reflects on the way things were before disaster
came, but by chapter 30, Job is brewing up a storm. He complains and considers himself a
righteous man, undeserving of what has come to him. In Job 38, after another long speech from a
friend, God answers Job. I assure you, I
would not have wanted this rebuke from God which went on four chapters
thereafter.
What you need to know, and I
encourage you to read it for yourself, is that God is truly all-powerful! He takes care of the rising and setting of
the sun and the tides and where the moon sits in the sky. He controls the weather and the animals. He is the ONLY righteous being! He is BIG!
He is “large and in charge!” Yet, we deny that He could do more for us
than bring a little peace and comfort.
We give in to the idea that it bothers God or that it is wrong to ask
for more than what could be considered “politically correct” to have. In fact, I think it bothers God when we ask
for so little. How can we truly trust
and follow a God whom we allow to do so little in our lives?
Jesus
tells this parable in Luke 7:41-43, 47 (NIV).
“Two
men owed money to a certain moneylender.
One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him
back, so he canceled the debts of both.
Now which of them will love him more?”
Simon replied, “I suppose the one
who had the bigger debt canceled.”
“You have judged correctly,” Jesus
said…
“Therefore,
I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves
little.”
I love this parable. It falls just
in the middle of Jesus being anointed by a sinful woman. Imagine Jesus eating dinner with the
Pharisees and a woman who was known by the entire town as a sinful woman
entered the house with an alabaster jar of perfume. Imagine the woman coming and sitting at Jesus’
feet allowing her tears to cover Jesus’ feet so much that she was able to wipe
them clean. This woman’s hair was long
and probably tied back, but she sat at Jesus’ feet, undoing her hair, and
wiping his feet with her hair. She bent
down kissing them and pouring perfume on them.
Now, imagine you are the Pharisee who allowed Jesus into your home
believing He was a great prophet. The
thoughts that roamed in the Pharisee’s mind were probably along the lines of
disgust. He felt disgusted that Jesus, a
great prophet, would allow such a sinful woman to touch him. Jesus subtly addresses these thoughts in this
conversation with Simon Peter.
“He who has been forgiven loves
little,” verse 47. We forget that we
ourselves are sinners and are in need of that forgiveness. But more than that, I believe we forget that
those who have been pulled out of a life of such turmoil love Jesus much more
than we can imagine. Why? Because they came expecting that healing,
that forgiveness, that anointing, knowing that nothing else on this earth can
give it to them. They knew that no one
would be so forgiving and so powerful that they could allow such mercy EXCEPT
for Jesus. They knew His power. They were able to dream that there was life
beyond “that” sin or “that” mistake.
I am sure you can remember back when
you were a kid when it was “that” thing that was so bad that you were gonna get
a good whoopin’ for that one. Or you can
remember that time when you did something so bad that no one could ever forgive
you. Or early on in school when you did
something so wrong that now your best friend was never ever going to trust you
ever again! I think we’ve forgotten that
we still do this today.
When I got my driver’s license at
age 16, I thought I was pretty cool. I
was a year behind all of my classmates because I was almost a year younger than
everyone, but I was awesome. Two weeks
after I got it, the first week of my junior year of high school, I totaled my
mom’s van. After I got back behind the
wheel, in January, less than 5 months after getting my license, I slid on a
patch of black ice, rolled down a hill, and by the grace of God a tree line
stopped us. Both accidents no one was
hurt, but I totaled another van. That
January morning, the cell phone tower was out.
My brother, who is 18 months younger than I am, ran to a nearby house
and called my parents. I was
TERRIFIED! I didn’t think my parents
were ever going to forgive me because I screwed up not only once but
twice. I had my siblings with me both
times as well as a friend. Of course, my
parents forgave me but let’s just say, it took a long time for me to get behind
the wheel again! This story may seem
silly to you, but it completely adjusted my way of thinking about the parable
on forgiveness.
The great thing about God is that if
we confess and truly seek to change our ways, He will forgive us. Over and over again, He will forgive. When I think about my parents’ forgiveness
toward me and how I thought I was never going to be forgiven, I am amazed at
how God works in our lives. It took a
long time for God to help me release that burden that I carried. I wasn’t sure God was going to forgive me
even if my earthly parents already had.
But God’s love is far more than what we can even imagine.
If God’s love is that large, imagine
what He wants to be able to do for us as long as we are willing to ask and
believe that He can achieve such impossibility!
Ephesians 3:20 (NIV) says, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably
more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within
us...” That’s right! He can do more than
all we could ask or imagine, so why do we limit Him by limiting our prayers? Why do we plan out our entire life knowing
that God could do so much more if we allowed Him? If we truly place our lives in His hands, we
can have a vision of the future like no one else! We can rely on His promises. We can count on His faithfulness. We can attempt to imagine how awesome our
lives can be!
Those who have been forgiven much
know His Power! They know they can dream
BIG because they have a big God! A God
of the impossible who can do more than we can imagine!
Dream BIG! It’s worth it!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Where Good Must Win
I try to write something interesting. Something that will appeal to others and take them on a whirlwind adventure, yet I still remain unsuccessful. I imagine a world with exciting characters who embark on daring journeys only to cease midway because I cannot finish their end. It is like I stop existing merely because my characters come to a conflict. They reach a conflict in the story and we cannot push our way through it. As if something might judge their choice, judge the author, and never finish the book, although the book still remains unfinished and off the shelves.
I fear completing a book I am proud of only for it to be rejected by editor after editor, publisher after publisher. Or, the fear overwhelms me of printing a book only for it to remain on the shops' shelves never to be read by an innocent teen or adult. For one to read the cover and place it back on the shelf. For one to read the book and for no impact to be had. Life for the individual has been made no better or worse by letting the book come into existence. No thought having been provoked or an idea challenged. This is what I fear and it ceases my writing.
The fear causes boring characters and insignificant plot twists or rather none at all. It causes me to imagine a far away land, but not be able to put it into words in order for it to come close to home. Ideas are stunted under the weight of the world's judgment and yet I write to await the world that lies before me. I write to escape the land I know now to a land which seems sweeter and brighter. Yet even the utopias of stories must have conflict. The rise and fall of people and their beliefs must exist in a good plot. Right versus wrong. Good versus evil. It all seems the same in comparison. Happy endings are a must, even sad ones must be happy. Never does bad win. To have an evil ending is considered a bad one. To let love lose may be considered a crime in a novel. Yet people face conflict in reality and contrary to popular belief, good does not always win.
Heart breaks and heart-failures occur every day. Where do we go to deal with it? No, not to books, but rather to others who sympathize and put their hand on our shoulder saying, "You will get through this," though rarely believing they will get through their own life's circumstances. Crime happens daily, yet we want the good to win in books. Divorces are finalized every day, yet love must win. Death comes daily, yet life is to go on. Cancer and chronic diseases persist, yet we desire healing to emerge without some supernatural being we cannot see intervening. We live in a world of hurt and pain yet we ask to escape into a book full of conflict so we can relate only for the book to lie, telling us that good, life, and love always win. Too often we ignore the Higher Power we rely on in life, yet we want our books, news, government, and schools to be free of such mystery. Why do we not seek to uncover these mysteries? Why do we believe good, life, and love naturally win when without a god in our lives, chaos remains? Why do we insist on our lives being free from God when we inwardly hunger for good, life, and love to win as they must in books and movies?
We call the spiritual people too religious or a freak or just naive, yet we expect good to win in our world. What kind of God does this truly depict?
I do not believe people really know what they want, or rather what their inner being wants. Why do we insist upon good winning out over any conflict? Does it truly exist in our reality or do we only believe it must appear in our books? Do we really desire a Utopian world where good, life, and love win over every conflict, crime, and marriage? Do we really believe we can create this for ourselves? Or do all of us secretly believe that someone higher than ourselves helps to restore good, yet cannot admit it because of the judgment of the world around us? Yet the writer in me wonders.
Do the words of a daring adventure that wins with good and with a little romance suffice our need for good to exist? For love to win over the heart breaks we face. For one to be able to dream of being a part of an out-of-reach reality where good always wins? Is this what we expect of our authors? For the authors to create a world in which we cannot life in because we insist upon ignoring that we do trust in God. That He will cause good, life, love, and hope to win over everything we deal with on a daily basis?
So I do fear that the readers have lost touch with the world they live in at this moment. Where one can only find peace and happiness in made up lands and happy endings. Where the bad guy is always punished justly and the love story continues after conflict pursues its end. And where religion is ignored in fear of admitting that we may not be a self-sufficient people. A book where every loop of an author's pen creates another twist or another turn that may lead to God being the only way out of the mess of conflict we live in today.
Do we desire for good to win, because if so, we may need supernatural help that we cannot see...The kind that doesn't take the form of a ghost, witch, vampire, etc. We may need a God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and most of all, all-loving. But, do we want to admit it?
I fear completing a book I am proud of only for it to be rejected by editor after editor, publisher after publisher. Or, the fear overwhelms me of printing a book only for it to remain on the shops' shelves never to be read by an innocent teen or adult. For one to read the cover and place it back on the shelf. For one to read the book and for no impact to be had. Life for the individual has been made no better or worse by letting the book come into existence. No thought having been provoked or an idea challenged. This is what I fear and it ceases my writing.
The fear causes boring characters and insignificant plot twists or rather none at all. It causes me to imagine a far away land, but not be able to put it into words in order for it to come close to home. Ideas are stunted under the weight of the world's judgment and yet I write to await the world that lies before me. I write to escape the land I know now to a land which seems sweeter and brighter. Yet even the utopias of stories must have conflict. The rise and fall of people and their beliefs must exist in a good plot. Right versus wrong. Good versus evil. It all seems the same in comparison. Happy endings are a must, even sad ones must be happy. Never does bad win. To have an evil ending is considered a bad one. To let love lose may be considered a crime in a novel. Yet people face conflict in reality and contrary to popular belief, good does not always win.
Heart breaks and heart-failures occur every day. Where do we go to deal with it? No, not to books, but rather to others who sympathize and put their hand on our shoulder saying, "You will get through this," though rarely believing they will get through their own life's circumstances. Crime happens daily, yet we want the good to win in books. Divorces are finalized every day, yet love must win. Death comes daily, yet life is to go on. Cancer and chronic diseases persist, yet we desire healing to emerge without some supernatural being we cannot see intervening. We live in a world of hurt and pain yet we ask to escape into a book full of conflict so we can relate only for the book to lie, telling us that good, life, and love always win. Too often we ignore the Higher Power we rely on in life, yet we want our books, news, government, and schools to be free of such mystery. Why do we not seek to uncover these mysteries? Why do we believe good, life, and love naturally win when without a god in our lives, chaos remains? Why do we insist on our lives being free from God when we inwardly hunger for good, life, and love to win as they must in books and movies?
We call the spiritual people too religious or a freak or just naive, yet we expect good to win in our world. What kind of God does this truly depict?
I do not believe people really know what they want, or rather what their inner being wants. Why do we insist upon good winning out over any conflict? Does it truly exist in our reality or do we only believe it must appear in our books? Do we really desire a Utopian world where good, life, and love win over every conflict, crime, and marriage? Do we really believe we can create this for ourselves? Or do all of us secretly believe that someone higher than ourselves helps to restore good, yet cannot admit it because of the judgment of the world around us? Yet the writer in me wonders.
Do the words of a daring adventure that wins with good and with a little romance suffice our need for good to exist? For love to win over the heart breaks we face. For one to be able to dream of being a part of an out-of-reach reality where good always wins? Is this what we expect of our authors? For the authors to create a world in which we cannot life in because we insist upon ignoring that we do trust in God. That He will cause good, life, love, and hope to win over everything we deal with on a daily basis?
So I do fear that the readers have lost touch with the world they live in at this moment. Where one can only find peace and happiness in made up lands and happy endings. Where the bad guy is always punished justly and the love story continues after conflict pursues its end. And where religion is ignored in fear of admitting that we may not be a self-sufficient people. A book where every loop of an author's pen creates another twist or another turn that may lead to God being the only way out of the mess of conflict we live in today.
Do we desire for good to win, because if so, we may need supernatural help that we cannot see...The kind that doesn't take the form of a ghost, witch, vampire, etc. We may need a God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and most of all, all-loving. But, do we want to admit it?
Friday, July 5, 2013
Self Assessment
Every once in a while, I step back and take a look at myself, my life, and my potential future. The last couple weeks have been one of those times, especially as I wrapped up my small group/class on exploring your call. So, here's the highlights from my "self-assessment."
Physically, I am exhausted. My lupus is flaring like crazy and the pain is intense. Though it doesn't consume my life, I am tired of fighting it though I am unwilling to give up! When the pain was lessened, I came off of all of my break-through medications. It was wonderful! But, now that it is back, my "usual" lupus med is allowing breakthrough pain like crazy! Every joint, every muscle, every thought is affected by lupus. And tip of advice? Don't ask me for directions anytime soon! I have lupus fog like crazy so I can't remember a thing without writing it down and directions are nuts! I think I drove about 5 miles out of my way today just because I forgot what we were doing and where I was headed! This is also probably why none of this will make much sense. Lol.
Mentally, I am drained. My job is taking everything I have and dumping it onto the ground. As a home health aide, for the company I work for, I can't do much. Pretty much, I'm a babysitter and a maid. The one good thing is that I have steady hours for most of this month and then chaos erupts, but I'll take the steady 8a-4p hours while I can. I do work with kiddos, which is awesome! Much better than adults - no offense adults out there. :) But kids these days are so electronically hooked that trying to get them to do anything but watch TV or play video games or on tablets.....yeah, it's pretty much impossible. Anyway, I have gotten one to listen to me read.....for a LONG time.....and one that will play at least one board game or do one craft a day. But, I still feel like a babysitter, which makes me feel quite useless in the career sense.
Emotionally? Other than being exhausted, I am pretty stable. Not many ups and downs. I wish my job was more interesting and tending to my passions, but other than that, not too much of a roller coaster.
Spiritually? While my body is exhausted, spiritually, I am on FIRE! I have a sense of passion that has been reignited and a sense of moving forward. I am planted in a growing and vibrant congregation within the UMC. I love it! But more than anything, my calling has come out again. And I'm not sure why but I get the sense that I don't need to have any other Plan Bs anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure God needs me to drop the whole Plan B or back-up plan because that has been a cause of thorns since the beginning. I am pretty sure I will just be running at it or for it. I think it is a trust thing. It's hard going in as a gay Christian....It's like swimming upstream in the rapids. So to me, a puny human, being in full-time ministry as like, a job, seems impossible. But to God, there is no impossible! SO - I get the pleasure of walking and letting God direct my footsteps as we go. In all honesty, it is a mixture of fear and excitement. But, I should have known it wasn't as easy as preaching to my 15 stuffed animals and two little siblings (and whoever else I could get to listen) when I was seven and already knew what the future held.
SO - This is what I do know.
My job is draining me. I need out as soon as the way is made.
I'll get my bachelors in whatever, but I'm leaning towards Psychology. I steered away from it when I saw it as a useless degree for Plan B, but I like Psychology so hey, I'm gonna do it. Just gotta "find" the money to go and start because I'll only be going part-time since that's all I can pay for....Unless any of you or Jesus has a different idea on how to fund this extravaganza.
After my bachelors, I might as well head to seminary. Where? I don't know. But I'll get my MDiv (no messin' around) and see what happens.
As for things I don't know?
I don't know where I will find the money.
I don't know how a gay Christian is going to enter and get through the candidacy process of the UMC when it's not "officially" allowed.
I don't know where I'll live in less than 6 months.
I don't know where I will work.......
And I definitely have no idea what my "ministry" actually looks like........
Regardless, I am so excited for what the future holds I could just get my SHOUT on! Trusting that Jesus will make the way because I have no idea how it is going to happen! And I hope and pray that I will have the strength, willingness, courage, and patience to do whatever He needs me to do in order for me to obey and find rest in Him.
Physically, I am exhausted. My lupus is flaring like crazy and the pain is intense. Though it doesn't consume my life, I am tired of fighting it though I am unwilling to give up! When the pain was lessened, I came off of all of my break-through medications. It was wonderful! But, now that it is back, my "usual" lupus med is allowing breakthrough pain like crazy! Every joint, every muscle, every thought is affected by lupus. And tip of advice? Don't ask me for directions anytime soon! I have lupus fog like crazy so I can't remember a thing without writing it down and directions are nuts! I think I drove about 5 miles out of my way today just because I forgot what we were doing and where I was headed! This is also probably why none of this will make much sense. Lol.
Mentally, I am drained. My job is taking everything I have and dumping it onto the ground. As a home health aide, for the company I work for, I can't do much. Pretty much, I'm a babysitter and a maid. The one good thing is that I have steady hours for most of this month and then chaos erupts, but I'll take the steady 8a-4p hours while I can. I do work with kiddos, which is awesome! Much better than adults - no offense adults out there. :) But kids these days are so electronically hooked that trying to get them to do anything but watch TV or play video games or on tablets.....yeah, it's pretty much impossible. Anyway, I have gotten one to listen to me read.....for a LONG time.....and one that will play at least one board game or do one craft a day. But, I still feel like a babysitter, which makes me feel quite useless in the career sense.
Emotionally? Other than being exhausted, I am pretty stable. Not many ups and downs. I wish my job was more interesting and tending to my passions, but other than that, not too much of a roller coaster.
Spiritually? While my body is exhausted, spiritually, I am on FIRE! I have a sense of passion that has been reignited and a sense of moving forward. I am planted in a growing and vibrant congregation within the UMC. I love it! But more than anything, my calling has come out again. And I'm not sure why but I get the sense that I don't need to have any other Plan Bs anymore. In fact, I'm pretty sure God needs me to drop the whole Plan B or back-up plan because that has been a cause of thorns since the beginning. I am pretty sure I will just be running at it or for it. I think it is a trust thing. It's hard going in as a gay Christian....It's like swimming upstream in the rapids. So to me, a puny human, being in full-time ministry as like, a job, seems impossible. But to God, there is no impossible! SO - I get the pleasure of walking and letting God direct my footsteps as we go. In all honesty, it is a mixture of fear and excitement. But, I should have known it wasn't as easy as preaching to my 15 stuffed animals and two little siblings (and whoever else I could get to listen) when I was seven and already knew what the future held.
SO - This is what I do know.
My job is draining me. I need out as soon as the way is made.
I'll get my bachelors in whatever, but I'm leaning towards Psychology. I steered away from it when I saw it as a useless degree for Plan B, but I like Psychology so hey, I'm gonna do it. Just gotta "find" the money to go and start because I'll only be going part-time since that's all I can pay for....Unless any of you or Jesus has a different idea on how to fund this extravaganza.
After my bachelors, I might as well head to seminary. Where? I don't know. But I'll get my MDiv (no messin' around) and see what happens.
As for things I don't know?
I don't know where I will find the money.
I don't know how a gay Christian is going to enter and get through the candidacy process of the UMC when it's not "officially" allowed.
I don't know where I'll live in less than 6 months.
I don't know where I will work.......
And I definitely have no idea what my "ministry" actually looks like........
Regardless, I am so excited for what the future holds I could just get my SHOUT on! Trusting that Jesus will make the way because I have no idea how it is going to happen! And I hope and pray that I will have the strength, willingness, courage, and patience to do whatever He needs me to do in order for me to obey and find rest in Him.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Life with PASSION
Making sense of life has been really difficult for me the past few years. December 2011, I decided I was done with school. Or at least, for the moment. I had health issues going on and on top of that, I really had no idea what I was going to do with my life. In July 2011, I got myself a girlfriend. Lol. While that sounds really odd in writing, it really shook my world upside down. Up until that point, I had planned on being a pastor. Being a lesbian changed everything. I was trying to figure out how I was going to do something that was impossible with the current church doctrine. While I believe and I believed at that point that God had no issue with me being with a woman, the church had an issue with it. SO - From that point on, I dismissed the idea that I would become a pastor anytime soon. And as of right now, while that calling is still there, I don't think I will become a pastor anytime soon. (Sorry for the letdown guys...lol)
I was left with nothing. Well, I actually had a LOT of nothing.
A semester of work in music education.
Three semesters of work in interpersonal communication.
Semester of work in English - that I really did not like!
No money.
No job.
No stability in the family.
No church.
And almost, no God.
I had pretty much given up. I had no passion left. I hurt. I was angry. And I was done. Short of taking my own life, I decided to take a break from trying to figure out what to do with my life and just live life for a while. My parents, flute teacher, and family hated my decision. I did too. But I was desparate to figure things out. Not saying I have everything figured out, but God has taught me a lot in the last couple of years.
Most of my sanity has actually come from being a part of a church called Light of Love Fellowship. It was based in Saint Louis and since has closed its doors less than a year after we (Nichole and I) found them. It was definitely a God-send. They were a MUCH different church than what I was used to being a part of. They shouted and danced and RAN IN CHURCH!!! Like DURING service! They taught me how to praise God like my life depended on it, because honestly, it did depend on it! They taught me how to pray and believe that change was going to occur but also to be willing for that change to happen. They taught me that the Word of God is more than a book of stories and instructions on how to live life but also PROMISES! Ya see, when you're desparate and people tell you to read your Bible, unless you have the eyes to see the promises you see a bunch of stuff you're not doing right. And it can be really condemning especially if you're struggling with something like being a homosexual. This church taught me that it was okay to be me. That I can be a homosexual and a Christian. Ha! My Pastor was gay, surely if God calls homosexuals to be leaders in the church, then I could be a Christian. Nichole and I were later married in that church on November 17, 2012. Most of the people in attendance were church members, other than family. We then learned how to live a Godly life as a married couple. One according to the Bible and the standard that God has for all relationships. They also opened the possibility of my calling back up.
Meanwhile, in June 2012 (just before we found LOLF), I began working with adults who have disabilities. I no longer work for the organization, but I am still in the field. I call them "my people." People who have disabilities, no matter what age or disability, are the most compassionate people I have ever met. They are fun and loving. They are stubborn just as you or I and have STRONG personalities. They are not vegetables. They are more sweet than a strawberry! Anyway, LOLF also taught me a lot about the calling as a minister in our every day lives. Everyone knows that we all aren't meant to be pastors or have a job title in the church. But does everyone know that we all still have that commission that Jesus gave us in Matthew 28? We are all called to make disciples, to teach, to love, to share, to help someone make the decision to be baptized....We're called to do this in our every-day "normal" vocation/career/life. So, little by little as I waited impatiently for that calling to be a pastor to be "NOW" I learned to live it out at my workplace. Now, I'm not perfect by any means. Little by little I learn how to do things better. BUT - Through that, I've found a deep love and passion for these people. The advocation they need. The care they need. The love they need. The teaching they need. The healing they need.
I'm sure you all saw the posts about going to Maryville for OT, and then for Rehabilitation Sciences, and then Music therapy, and who knows what else?! I'm sure you've seen umpteen million posts about this is what I'm going to do with my life! When I get on something, a lot of times I'll run with it while it is premature. Hence the waiting with this one.
And I'm still not giving the details. Sorry!
I will tell you this. I'm entering a field that wasn't on my radar before. I'm entering a field that I've dismissed many times when it has come up. I'm entering a field that Jalen would approve of. I'm entering a field that will give me the ability to work in a variety of places and care for a number of people. I'm entering a field that is QDDP certified, allowing me to work with MY People. Where compassion is abundant! And where the need is there.
Absolute Dream Job: Wherever God leads me.
My Best: Working with the Disabled (DMH - Department of Mental Health). Whether that be in a mental institute, behavioral analysis therapy, school, someone's home, doctor's office, group rehabilitation center, an office putting together PCP (person-centered plans), as a casemanager, etc. Like I said, there's a lot of possibilities. Who knows, I could work for the DMH myself!
By now you may have guessed. But the rest of the details as to where and when it will happen is ITLH - In the Lord's Hand.
If you pray to Jesus Christ, I'd love prayers. For discernment and for the financial means to acheive what I need to do. As of right now, I am only elegible for loans as I am still considered a "dependent" according to the state and my parents are not helping with school costs this time around. Most of the costs will have to be paid outright and reimbursed with a check if loans are available (as most loans do not post until Sept 15 and many schools requre tuition to be paid before the semester even begins). Favor with the admissions department would be awesome too.
I'm interested to see where God takes me with this path. Who knows, maybe I will still be an "ordained" pastor. But for now, I'm content with the ministry I am involved in now. I am excited. I have direction. I have PASSION!
Did I mention that I am EXCITED???
I was left with nothing. Well, I actually had a LOT of nothing.
A semester of work in music education.
Three semesters of work in interpersonal communication.
Semester of work in English - that I really did not like!
No money.
No job.
No stability in the family.
No church.
And almost, no God.
I had pretty much given up. I had no passion left. I hurt. I was angry. And I was done. Short of taking my own life, I decided to take a break from trying to figure out what to do with my life and just live life for a while. My parents, flute teacher, and family hated my decision. I did too. But I was desparate to figure things out. Not saying I have everything figured out, but God has taught me a lot in the last couple of years.
Most of my sanity has actually come from being a part of a church called Light of Love Fellowship. It was based in Saint Louis and since has closed its doors less than a year after we (Nichole and I) found them. It was definitely a God-send. They were a MUCH different church than what I was used to being a part of. They shouted and danced and RAN IN CHURCH!!! Like DURING service! They taught me how to praise God like my life depended on it, because honestly, it did depend on it! They taught me how to pray and believe that change was going to occur but also to be willing for that change to happen. They taught me that the Word of God is more than a book of stories and instructions on how to live life but also PROMISES! Ya see, when you're desparate and people tell you to read your Bible, unless you have the eyes to see the promises you see a bunch of stuff you're not doing right. And it can be really condemning especially if you're struggling with something like being a homosexual. This church taught me that it was okay to be me. That I can be a homosexual and a Christian. Ha! My Pastor was gay, surely if God calls homosexuals to be leaders in the church, then I could be a Christian. Nichole and I were later married in that church on November 17, 2012. Most of the people in attendance were church members, other than family. We then learned how to live a Godly life as a married couple. One according to the Bible and the standard that God has for all relationships. They also opened the possibility of my calling back up.
Meanwhile, in June 2012 (just before we found LOLF), I began working with adults who have disabilities. I no longer work for the organization, but I am still in the field. I call them "my people." People who have disabilities, no matter what age or disability, are the most compassionate people I have ever met. They are fun and loving. They are stubborn just as you or I and have STRONG personalities. They are not vegetables. They are more sweet than a strawberry! Anyway, LOLF also taught me a lot about the calling as a minister in our every day lives. Everyone knows that we all aren't meant to be pastors or have a job title in the church. But does everyone know that we all still have that commission that Jesus gave us in Matthew 28? We are all called to make disciples, to teach, to love, to share, to help someone make the decision to be baptized....We're called to do this in our every-day "normal" vocation/career/life. So, little by little as I waited impatiently for that calling to be a pastor to be "NOW" I learned to live it out at my workplace. Now, I'm not perfect by any means. Little by little I learn how to do things better. BUT - Through that, I've found a deep love and passion for these people. The advocation they need. The care they need. The love they need. The teaching they need. The healing they need.
I'm sure you all saw the posts about going to Maryville for OT, and then for Rehabilitation Sciences, and then Music therapy, and who knows what else?! I'm sure you've seen umpteen million posts about this is what I'm going to do with my life! When I get on something, a lot of times I'll run with it while it is premature. Hence the waiting with this one.
And I'm still not giving the details. Sorry!
I will tell you this. I'm entering a field that wasn't on my radar before. I'm entering a field that I've dismissed many times when it has come up. I'm entering a field that Jalen would approve of. I'm entering a field that will give me the ability to work in a variety of places and care for a number of people. I'm entering a field that is QDDP certified, allowing me to work with MY People. Where compassion is abundant! And where the need is there.
Absolute Dream Job: Wherever God leads me.
My Best: Working with the Disabled (DMH - Department of Mental Health). Whether that be in a mental institute, behavioral analysis therapy, school, someone's home, doctor's office, group rehabilitation center, an office putting together PCP (person-centered plans), as a casemanager, etc. Like I said, there's a lot of possibilities. Who knows, I could work for the DMH myself!
By now you may have guessed. But the rest of the details as to where and when it will happen is ITLH - In the Lord's Hand.
If you pray to Jesus Christ, I'd love prayers. For discernment and for the financial means to acheive what I need to do. As of right now, I am only elegible for loans as I am still considered a "dependent" according to the state and my parents are not helping with school costs this time around. Most of the costs will have to be paid outright and reimbursed with a check if loans are available (as most loans do not post until Sept 15 and many schools requre tuition to be paid before the semester even begins). Favor with the admissions department would be awesome too.
I'm interested to see where God takes me with this path. Who knows, maybe I will still be an "ordained" pastor. But for now, I'm content with the ministry I am involved in now. I am excited. I have direction. I have PASSION!
Did I mention that I am EXCITED???
Monday, February 18, 2013
Circling My Jericho
I've been reading a lot lately. Saturday, I finished a book called The God Chasers by Tommy Tenney. It was an excellent read because it increased the desire for God's here and now presence. To read someone else's words about the lack of the Bread of Life in the church and how we've created man-made services, how we often come to worship expecting a blessing, but how we often forget to worship the Blesser. Anyway, that's one of the books I've read.
The other book that I'm spending time with is The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. It talks about our prayer life. Often, we pray once and then "leave it in God's hands." BUT...We should rather be persistently praying for the impossible to happen.
Batterson talks about drawing prayer circles around your Jericho, or rather the miracle or dream that your life revolves around. He says: "You've got to define the promises God wants you to stake claim to, the miracles God wants you to believe for, and the dreams God wants you to pursue" (pg 22). This also is emphasized in the Gospel when two blind men call out for Jesus and Jesus asks them, "What do you want me to do for you?" It seems silly to ask that since it is obvious that they are blind. Batterson says, "Jesus made them verbalize their desire...It wasn't because Jesus didn't know what they wanted; He wanted to make sure they knew what they wanted" (pg 22).
So, here I am. Attempting to define what I believe God has called me to in this life and claim God's promises for me. Some of these, I believe, will be for now. Some of them will be for later. Some of them I may not receive it fully until heaven. But regardless, I know that I have a God of the impossible. God likes it when we can believe for the impossible because He knows that we are completely dependent on Him when it comes to the impossible. If we can do it ourselves, it isn't big enough. When Nichole and I got together, or even before that...when we were merely friends...I always told her "Dream BIG." It wasn't because she had small dreams, but I wanted her to be able to reach for something out of her reach, beyond what the human in her could do. Thus, I never ask anyone to do anything I won't do myself. This is my "Dream BIG" moment or my drawing prayer circles around my Jericho.
I believe God has given me the passion to work with people who have disabilities, but I also believe He has called me to dream bigger than a support staff at a day center. I believe I can dream to allow the Ultimate Teacher to teach me, through school or whatever, to go further.
I believe God has called me into the ministry, I don't know where, but I know that He has called me to earnestly search for Him and in that, I will find my call.
I believe God will take my marriage deep and far beyond where we are now. I believe our marriage covenant will last. I believe God will take us places we never could imagine because we're trusting in Him. I believe that He will give us children. I believe He will manage our finances to allow us to buy a house. And I believe these things will happen sooner than later. I believe Jehovah Jireh will provide us with the ability to tithe and get out of debt!
I believe God will heal me. This one seems the most impossible right now, but I'm claiming it! I want full healing from my mind to my body. No more lupus. No more fibromyalgia. No more migraines. No more bipolar. No more depression. No more anxiety. No sickness needed! I believe God honors this huge prayer and as both books said before, "Prayers never die." I never really had thought about it, but it really makes me think about what I'm praying for. Am I praying for the things that stick? Or am I praying for temporal things? That doesn't mean I don't pray for the bills to be paid and food to be on the table, but it reminds me what is important.
"Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6:33
So, Dream BIG! Write out some of your dreams, all of them if you can! These are just a few of mine, there are several that I keep deep within my heart and share only with my wife and journal. But, dream impossible dreams. God is glorified by our impossible prayers because that means we see Him as a God who is able rather than small.
DREAM! Circle your Jericho with prayers.
"Well-developed faith results in well-defined prayers, and well-defined prayers result in a well-lived life" (Batterson, pg 23).
The other book that I'm spending time with is The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. It talks about our prayer life. Often, we pray once and then "leave it in God's hands." BUT...We should rather be persistently praying for the impossible to happen.
Batterson talks about drawing prayer circles around your Jericho, or rather the miracle or dream that your life revolves around. He says: "You've got to define the promises God wants you to stake claim to, the miracles God wants you to believe for, and the dreams God wants you to pursue" (pg 22). This also is emphasized in the Gospel when two blind men call out for Jesus and Jesus asks them, "What do you want me to do for you?" It seems silly to ask that since it is obvious that they are blind. Batterson says, "Jesus made them verbalize their desire...It wasn't because Jesus didn't know what they wanted; He wanted to make sure they knew what they wanted" (pg 22).
So, here I am. Attempting to define what I believe God has called me to in this life and claim God's promises for me. Some of these, I believe, will be for now. Some of them will be for later. Some of them I may not receive it fully until heaven. But regardless, I know that I have a God of the impossible. God likes it when we can believe for the impossible because He knows that we are completely dependent on Him when it comes to the impossible. If we can do it ourselves, it isn't big enough. When Nichole and I got together, or even before that...when we were merely friends...I always told her "Dream BIG." It wasn't because she had small dreams, but I wanted her to be able to reach for something out of her reach, beyond what the human in her could do. Thus, I never ask anyone to do anything I won't do myself. This is my "Dream BIG" moment or my drawing prayer circles around my Jericho.
I believe God has given me the passion to work with people who have disabilities, but I also believe He has called me to dream bigger than a support staff at a day center. I believe I can dream to allow the Ultimate Teacher to teach me, through school or whatever, to go further.
I believe God has called me into the ministry, I don't know where, but I know that He has called me to earnestly search for Him and in that, I will find my call.
I believe God will take my marriage deep and far beyond where we are now. I believe our marriage covenant will last. I believe God will take us places we never could imagine because we're trusting in Him. I believe that He will give us children. I believe He will manage our finances to allow us to buy a house. And I believe these things will happen sooner than later. I believe Jehovah Jireh will provide us with the ability to tithe and get out of debt!
I believe God will heal me. This one seems the most impossible right now, but I'm claiming it! I want full healing from my mind to my body. No more lupus. No more fibromyalgia. No more migraines. No more bipolar. No more depression. No more anxiety. No sickness needed! I believe God honors this huge prayer and as both books said before, "Prayers never die." I never really had thought about it, but it really makes me think about what I'm praying for. Am I praying for the things that stick? Or am I praying for temporal things? That doesn't mean I don't pray for the bills to be paid and food to be on the table, but it reminds me what is important.
"Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6:33
So, Dream BIG! Write out some of your dreams, all of them if you can! These are just a few of mine, there are several that I keep deep within my heart and share only with my wife and journal. But, dream impossible dreams. God is glorified by our impossible prayers because that means we see Him as a God who is able rather than small.
DREAM! Circle your Jericho with prayers.
"Well-developed faith results in well-defined prayers, and well-defined prayers result in a well-lived life" (Batterson, pg 23).
 |
| Walls of Jericho |
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Is Vegan Worth It?
I suppose you could say I'm vegan now.
I didn't grow up vegan. Believe me, there was lots of steak and bacon and hamburger and delicious things like that growing up in my parents' house. Honestly, I ate meat and a lot of it up until mid-December and then cut it out completely in January.
In November of 2010, I began having health issues and a lot of them. My weight was ever increasing due to the lack of exercises because of body wide pain caused by fibromyalgia and lupus (SLE), diagnosed in September of 2011. My migraines got worse to the point where I was going to the ER OFTEN in order to get rid of them since my at home meds were not working. I was physically incapacitated by the migraines. And pain struck high notes throughout my body constantly. I lived in pain.
I heard through a lot of research that going gluten-free helped pain. SO, Nichole and I went gluten free. I'm sure you all remember my days of being gluten free and there were quite a few nay-sayers when we went gluten free. It was a major ordeal to go to the grocery store to find food that was gluten free. We had six pages with three columns on each page of ingredients chemicals to avoid with gluten. Like I said, it was a major ordeal. Not only was it a LONG adventure, it also was EXPENSIVE!!! Many gluten free foods are 2-3 dollars more than normal food. A half-loaf of break was around $5 where a normal WHOLE loaf is less than $2. It was a major break to our budget. We stopped because of the expense, though it did help us feel better. (Nichole has lupus, fibro, and migraines too.) We probably stuck with it for 6 months or so...
Well, January was approaching fast and a few friends decided to all put $10 in the pot towards losing 15% of our total initial body weight. That meant losing 25lbs or so for me. (Do not do the math!!!) ;) Well, Nichole and I decided we would begin to eat healthier when we began at the beginning of December. By January, we ate no meat, no dairy, no sweets (including natural sweeteners). It was a long month, but we made it well and we felt better than EVER! God showed us both a lot of things about how unhealthy we were eating and more. But most of all, we were both happy with how we were looking and feeling! We took the cooking time for dinner as "us" time...because most of our meals took FOREVER to make since we couldn't use a lot of the easy 15-minute box meals. We made a lasagna that took three hours to make! That was some definite bonding time since it tasted AWFUL!!! But everything else that we've made has been pretty good! Here's some of our deliciousness!!!
If you want any of the recipes, email me at msuflute@gmail.com and I'll email it to you! OR FB me. But, we did stray beginning in February and that has turned out badly....I feel awful. I'm back to eating sugar, milk, and eggs. I'm beginning to think being vegan is worth the trouble. I could care less about the trouble from my family and close friends when it comes to feeling good or miserable. But, now I believe that I'm getting sick and that was after a splurge day full of ice cream, chocolate, and pizza (with meat...gasp!). Clearly, while I still love the taste of all these things, it's not worth it.
I will stick to my dairy-free ice cream, chocolate almond milk, and dairy/meat free pizza!
Is vegan worth it?
I think so.
I didn't grow up vegan. Believe me, there was lots of steak and bacon and hamburger and delicious things like that growing up in my parents' house. Honestly, I ate meat and a lot of it up until mid-December and then cut it out completely in January.
In November of 2010, I began having health issues and a lot of them. My weight was ever increasing due to the lack of exercises because of body wide pain caused by fibromyalgia and lupus (SLE), diagnosed in September of 2011. My migraines got worse to the point where I was going to the ER OFTEN in order to get rid of them since my at home meds were not working. I was physically incapacitated by the migraines. And pain struck high notes throughout my body constantly. I lived in pain.
I heard through a lot of research that going gluten-free helped pain. SO, Nichole and I went gluten free. I'm sure you all remember my days of being gluten free and there were quite a few nay-sayers when we went gluten free. It was a major ordeal to go to the grocery store to find food that was gluten free. We had six pages with three columns on each page of ingredients chemicals to avoid with gluten. Like I said, it was a major ordeal. Not only was it a LONG adventure, it also was EXPENSIVE!!! Many gluten free foods are 2-3 dollars more than normal food. A half-loaf of break was around $5 where a normal WHOLE loaf is less than $2. It was a major break to our budget. We stopped because of the expense, though it did help us feel better. (Nichole has lupus, fibro, and migraines too.) We probably stuck with it for 6 months or so...
Well, January was approaching fast and a few friends decided to all put $10 in the pot towards losing 15% of our total initial body weight. That meant losing 25lbs or so for me. (Do not do the math!!!) ;) Well, Nichole and I decided we would begin to eat healthier when we began at the beginning of December. By January, we ate no meat, no dairy, no sweets (including natural sweeteners). It was a long month, but we made it well and we felt better than EVER! God showed us both a lot of things about how unhealthy we were eating and more. But most of all, we were both happy with how we were looking and feeling! We took the cooking time for dinner as "us" time...because most of our meals took FOREVER to make since we couldn't use a lot of the easy 15-minute box meals. We made a lasagna that took three hours to make! That was some definite bonding time since it tasted AWFUL!!! But everything else that we've made has been pretty good! Here's some of our deliciousness!!!
 |
| Quinoa Burger and corn |
 |
| Broccoli Cheese Casserole |
 |
| Kale and Artichoke Hot Pockets |
 |
| Enchilada and Mexican Rice |
 |
| Mushroom Strogonoff and Kale Saute |
 |
| Pizza |
 |
| Potpie |
 |
| Parmesean Crusted Tofu, Stir fry, and brussel spouts (which were nasty) |
 |
| Spaghetti with homemade sauce |
 |
| First stab at tofu, and it turned out pretty good |
 |
| Potato Skins |
.JPG) |
| Chili or Taco Soup |
I will stick to my dairy-free ice cream, chocolate almond milk, and dairy/meat free pizza!
Is vegan worth it?
I think so.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Loving Me
I've heard it said that you have to love yourself before you can love others. But we also must hate our own life in order to take on the life God has for us. So I guess the question is, "Where is that line drawn?"
For years, I've tried to love myself. I've tried to look good, feel good, and make others think I look and feel good too. I've tried to be smart and make the right decisions. I've tried to impress everyone and anyone I possibly could. I tried to make everyone happy. But inside, I was dark, lonely, and insecure.
Insecurity...It's something Light of Love Fellowship is studying in our Joshua Outreach Bible Study. I believe it defines the fine line between loving yourself and loving the you that God created you to be. When someone is insecure about their looks, smarts, or other attributes, it leads to numerous issues like low self-esteem, pride (yes, I assure you this stems from being insecure), control issues, depression, anxiety, anger, jealously, etc.... even to the extent where someone commits suicide. When insecurity is uprooted, often we feel empty unless it is replaced by something.
When it is replaced with faith in Jesus Christ, life goes smoother. We no longer have to worry about the world's judgement. We are covered by the blood of Jesus which perfects us before the throne. We are able to rejoice when things aren't going our way because we know that God is working for the good of those who love Him. We are able to see ourselves as children of the King. We see hope and light where there once was none just because we know His Name has power and salvation is ours! We know Jehovah Jireh - Our God as Provider! We don't have to worry about where the next meal will come from or how we will pay that electric bill. We have a whole mindset changed.
Nichole, my wife, asked me the other day if I could ask God anything and get a straight-forward answer, what would I ask. I said, "I would want to know why mental illnesses exist and what good come from them other than the power exalted from God as our Healer." Nichole merely responded with "Good question." But it got me thinking.
Most of you all know this, if not, welcome to my life/journal. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I assure you, I'm not crazy to the extent where I can't be around knives or things like that, but I've been in that dark place. I've spun in my mind to the extent where there is no hope or light in sight. I honestly can say that I HATE my bipolar self. I've pleaded with God for healing, and I believe one day, if not here then in heaven, I will receive healing. BUT, right now, I have to deal with myself every day. And I don't care if you have the worst illness out there, this word is for you. If you give Him control over your mind and begin to lift those things up in prayer like none other trusting in Him to take care of it, peace will come. I may not be able to get healing right now, but I can make a conscious effort to keep peace in my mind. In doing this, my fears, concerns that I once was insecure about, I'm releasing and uprooting them. The emptiness is being replaced by love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control...
I love who I'm becoming, not in a prideful way, because it is only through God and His grace that I am anything other than a frantic mess. I encourage you to figure out what you're insecure about...rebuke the insecurity and lift it to God who can replace it with Him.
Loving me isn't easy with chronic pain and mental issues...but it's made possible ONLY by God.
For years, I've tried to love myself. I've tried to look good, feel good, and make others think I look and feel good too. I've tried to be smart and make the right decisions. I've tried to impress everyone and anyone I possibly could. I tried to make everyone happy. But inside, I was dark, lonely, and insecure.
Insecurity...It's something Light of Love Fellowship is studying in our Joshua Outreach Bible Study. I believe it defines the fine line between loving yourself and loving the you that God created you to be. When someone is insecure about their looks, smarts, or other attributes, it leads to numerous issues like low self-esteem, pride (yes, I assure you this stems from being insecure), control issues, depression, anxiety, anger, jealously, etc.... even to the extent where someone commits suicide. When insecurity is uprooted, often we feel empty unless it is replaced by something.
When it is replaced with faith in Jesus Christ, life goes smoother. We no longer have to worry about the world's judgement. We are covered by the blood of Jesus which perfects us before the throne. We are able to rejoice when things aren't going our way because we know that God is working for the good of those who love Him. We are able to see ourselves as children of the King. We see hope and light where there once was none just because we know His Name has power and salvation is ours! We know Jehovah Jireh - Our God as Provider! We don't have to worry about where the next meal will come from or how we will pay that electric bill. We have a whole mindset changed.
Nichole, my wife, asked me the other day if I could ask God anything and get a straight-forward answer, what would I ask. I said, "I would want to know why mental illnesses exist and what good come from them other than the power exalted from God as our Healer." Nichole merely responded with "Good question." But it got me thinking.
Most of you all know this, if not, welcome to my life/journal. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I assure you, I'm not crazy to the extent where I can't be around knives or things like that, but I've been in that dark place. I've spun in my mind to the extent where there is no hope or light in sight. I honestly can say that I HATE my bipolar self. I've pleaded with God for healing, and I believe one day, if not here then in heaven, I will receive healing. BUT, right now, I have to deal with myself every day. And I don't care if you have the worst illness out there, this word is for you. If you give Him control over your mind and begin to lift those things up in prayer like none other trusting in Him to take care of it, peace will come. I may not be able to get healing right now, but I can make a conscious effort to keep peace in my mind. In doing this, my fears, concerns that I once was insecure about, I'm releasing and uprooting them. The emptiness is being replaced by love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control...
I love who I'm becoming, not in a prideful way, because it is only through God and His grace that I am anything other than a frantic mess. I encourage you to figure out what you're insecure about...rebuke the insecurity and lift it to God who can replace it with Him.
Loving me isn't easy with chronic pain and mental issues...but it's made possible ONLY by God.
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