Confessions of Change

Today has been hard.  I woke up with a headache and fibro pain that I thought would be the death of me.  BUT, I was still on a positivity kick from my best friend, Nichole.  So, I had the song Blessings by Laura Story playing in my head over and over and over and over.  At first, it was really annoying.  I even played it a couple times via YouTube, but I couldn't get it out of my head.  Soon, it became more of a comfort.  I sang along and tried to allow the words to flow from my heart.  By the time I was leaving that morning, I had been annoyed by the song, comforted by the song, encouraged by the song, and made fun of the song because of the fantastic mood that I was in, amidst the pain. 

I had a pretty decent time with classes and hanging out with a new friend.  I did something today that I intend on doing again tomorrow.  I reminded myself of my purpose.  But, within some time, I was back to stressed out Samantha.  I listened to the details of my final exam for one of my classes.  Needless to say, it freaked me out!  Eight essays..."You may need more than one blue book?!"  WHAT?!  Immediately, I had my mind on my health issues.  I was thinking about how it generally goes now-a-days where my writing hand goes numb or hurts like crazy to where it can't function after a short time of taking notes.  I freaked out.  My breathing became shallow and quick.  I started to get super nervous.  My headache reappeared, that had dissipated after a couple hours this morning, stronger than ever.  Nichole tried to calm me.  But the exam was still approaching and still making me anxious.  In the midst of our conversation, I got the feeling that my nerves weren't helping her whatsoever, so I tried to drop the topic and brought up the dreaded topic of health.  Clearly that was a bad idea, because afterward she got off the phone as soon as she possibly could.  (Now, this is only my side of the story, so do not blame her whatsoever for what has been said.)  This topic seems to be identified as negative.  Especially since health issues are always seeming to cause pain.  Mine are limited compared to what Nichole fights against every single day of her life.  Gotta admit, I still admire her perseverance to keep fighting no matter what comes her way.  It's something deep within her that I still haven't figured out, but that I hope I have that in me too.  :)

Anyhow, it wasn't until later that I figured out what I had done.  And at first, it really frustrated me.  I have been talking to her about her health since the beginning, and she's heard about my health (even before the fibro crap) since the beginning of our friendship.  It was common for us to respond to the "How are you?" question with health or school/work issues.  I felt like it was a huge rope in our friendship because we were able to answer honestly and openly.  But now, it is almost a thread that you don't want to cut for fear the day may fall apart.  HOWEVER, I still believe the question can be asked.  I know that the strive to be positive can fall apart if we really dwell on the answer to the question.  I know that I begin to survey all of my pain and how many bad things happened that day.  But, it could be much easier on us as humans if we answer openly, but without dwelling too much on the bad.  If we looked at the good in relation to the bad.  I just fear that I answer how are you questions with much too negative and LONG answers. So, brevity is becoming my new specialty and I will be open to further questioning if wanted.  I can't wait for the days when I can answer "How are you?" with fantastic, regardless of how I may be feeling that day!

Along with all of the conversational side of things, I'm making some changes in my life.  And honestly, some of them are pretty big changes.  One of which is the switch to more positive thinking!  This completely has to rearrange my way of thinking.  Instead of dwelling on the pain I am feeling, I have to focus on other things.  And sometimes, I have to focus REALLY HARD! So, I don't know what is going to become of this.  I think it is going to be something I just have to train myself to do.  So, bear with me as I make the change.

Another change is the shift in my career.  I know I seem to be going back and forth with this one.  But, I'm positive now.  (This is where the title comes in.  Haha.)  I'm not going to be a United Methodist Pastor.  Surprise!  I would really love to discuss this more, but it would take three blog posts in itself!  In brief, I don't feel like God has called me to lead the church in this way.  I feel like I would have such a comfortable life.  I know that some think this is my God-given dream, but it isn't my dream.  I've thought a lot about it.  And yes, I feel very comfortable in the pulpit! But, it isn't where God has called me to be.  As I think back to my calling, God seemed to place a desire in my heart for something, or rather, somewhere other than America.  Yes, Africa.  I never felt comfortable in the ministry process.  It just isn't my home.  God has called me to be a pastor in a different way.  He has called me to be a missionary.  It goes back to my purpose.  To help people...and to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth! 

If this switch displeases you, or if you feel I'm making the wrong decision, I'm sorry.  But, I'm following God's lead.  Until now, I haven't seen exactly where He was leading.  I wanted so badly for it to go my way and to be planned out.  But, I got mad at God for all the health issues.  And while I didn't run away, I protested.  I stopped doing daily devotions.  Prayer time became my list of requests time, without any time to listen for a response.  Study was...only when absolutely necessary for some group or church thing.  I started to find church to be unhelpful.  Friends had deserted.  Family issues peaked.  Nothing was going my way.  But then, the dream of Africa was watered.  It was renewed.  I began searching my heart for what I know best.  I began to examine my life as a disciple of Jesus.  Frankly, I failed.  Miserably!  But, the longing was there.  The desire to know God has been fueled.  Depression and anger will not win!!!  I won't let it.  I can't let it.  My faith is what has held me to this point, and it will be what holds me until the end of my life and beyond! 

Tonight, I got pretty down.  A person that I usually spend a lot of my time talking to in the evenings decided to take a break from the world.  I didn't know what to do.  I went to a campus ministry night with a friend.  Not going to lie, I had a great time!  The people became a family, and soon I knew quite a few names and faces and a lot about their personality.  It just made my night.  Too bad it is at the end of the semester that I found this campus ministry.  But, the social aspect of my life tonight got me going again. 

I'm not saying that I need a jillion more friends.  Honestly, I love the one best friend that I have with all that I am.  But, being able to goof off tonight and act like a college student was something I hadn't done in a while with all my oldladyitis. 

On my way home from the campus ministry night, I stopped at a Christian book store.  (Yes, Dad...)  I picked up a "missions journal."  I'm not really sure what it is all about, but I really feel the need to start journaling again and getting into the habit of reading Scripture.  This blog has really become a journal, but I need a place to journal prayers, that may be a lil' too private for the blogging world.  ;)  Anyhow, I hope it is something that I can keep up with and that I can be encouraged by the experience of examining exactly where God has called me to be a missionary and how that might take place.

ALSO...There is one more change that I'm making in my life.  I can't discuss it on here right now, but a few people know what I'm referring to.  I can just assure you that I'm making this decision with a huge amount of prayer and discernment.  But, the decision is, indeed, mine to make.  So, I'd appreciate any and all prayers you can send up for me.

As I pulled into my apartment complex tonight, I noticed the moon.  I probably haven't looked at the sky in ages.  But, no joke, it looked like the moon was smiling at me.  Had I not slowed my day down enough to focus on God, I would have NEVER seen the moon.  I would have never seen the silver smile that seemed to confirm that all I am doing is good. 

So, there are my confessions of change.  I am just trying to remember that no matter what, life will be good.  Not always simple or easy, but good.  And God is with me.  And His Presence can mean all the difference between a good day and a bad day.  That's all I got!  Adios!