Last night, before I posted a blog about it, I talked to my parents and grandma about becoming Catholic AND becoming a missionary. (Two hard pieces of news in one conversation!) I can't tell you how hard it was to open up to them what's been on my heart. I wasn't sure how exactly they would react, but I had a pretty good picture. It was hard to talk to people that had raised me in the church, even if they didn't always go or practice what was preached. But, now they know. I know that I have the support of my dad and grandma no matter what I do or where I go to church as long as I'm following Jesus. My mom has a lot of questions and concerns, most of which are understandable. All in all, it is up to me, though, in how I choose to live my life in Christ.
While I am not second-guessing myself, I do have a battle going on between my mind and my heart. My mind tells me that I'm leaving what I know best and that in itself is stupid. But my heart tells me that I'm following what God wants, even if it means leaving my comfort zone of Methodism. My mind tells me that my family (my mom, dad, sibs, grandma) will not be able to take communion at my church ever again and that saddens me. But my heart tells me that I understand the "closed table" and that one day I will have a family of my own who will be able to take communion with me. My mind tells me that this may create a struggle in my spiritual leading of my immediate family. But my heart tells me that I can't always be the leader and I must do what I feel is best for me. My mind was scared of the transition between the churches. But my heart is telling me to press on. So, there was this battle going on. Frankly, my mind was winning last night and it put me in a pretty ugly place where the stress was affecting my body. As I was telling my struggle to my best friend Nichole she was trying to calm the battle. While her arguments were incredibly good, it just didn't seem to be calming the anxiety the battle had created. I don't have any clue if she has any recollection of this, but she "out of the blue" said a prayer for me. It made me cry, and since I was laying down, I had tears running into my ears. I can't even remember a lot of what she said, but whatever it was...it was good! This sense of complete peace spread over my body. My heart stopped racing. My mind went still before the Throne.
The battle was won. My heart persevered. I knew I was following Christ's lead. It is as if He has His arm around my shoulder as we walk down this path that is very unfamiliar to me. But I can look into His eyes and see the glimmer of a smile. I am a bit excited for what lies ahead...Well, VERY excited!
Yes this battle was won, but the war will continue. But, my heart has restored hope and it isn't alone for it has Christ within. I just have to remember to go with who Christ wants me to be, rather than who the world is telling me to be. But for now...
My heart has won the battle within....
No comments:
Post a Comment