Lately...

I haven't updated the online world in a while, so here it goes!

My friend, Nichole, had her endometriosis surgery the day before Thanksgiving and it went well! Thanks so much for your prayers. She seems to be having a few other health things to deal with, so if you could continue to pray for her as she sees various doctors, etc. that would be great and much appreciated!

ONWARD...I have been really thinking about life lately. What I want to do and how I want to get there, and what GOD wants me to do...questions like that. A week ago, I could honestly say that I was not happy with life. I wasn't content either! I have been really down in the dumps. I'm still not sure why. I'm curious if stress just piled up to the point of breaking or if it's due to various life situations....either way, I was probably one of the most negative people ever. And this has been going on for quite sometime. This is different for me, because I'm usually a very joyful person. I'm generally positive and optimistic about even the worst of all situations. A few things helped me to realize all of this...I realized that friends were ditching (or even just ignoring) me. People just didn't want to be around me. Pessimism is contagious. It spreads like a spark through a forest. And sometimes, it's hard to catch before it's an out of control forest fire. I hope and pray that none of you have experienced this, though I am sure some of you have. I also realized that I had no motivation. Negative energy doesn't just circulate in your thoughts, but it also affects how one acts. My grades dropped this semester. I'm not happy about it. But the pessimistic attitude did not help me succeed in a goal I had set for myself before the semester started. The people I've surrounded myself with lately have not been supportive either. Which kind of leads to the next topic of headcovering. But first, I want to mention that there is a possibility of a transfer arising. I am not sure my school right now is the right one for me. I'll try and keep you all updated, but if I transfer then I could be going to school for little to nothing, closer to home, and I'd be playing my flute again...which is something I MISS LIKE CRAZY!!! Anyhow....

NEXT...I want to talk about various things regarding my head covering. Today is day...128, I think. Alright...I really don't even know where to start with all of this. Ummm. First off, I wanted to talk about why I'm still covering. I'm still covering because it's still what God wants me to do. I'm still obeying His command. However, I am very sure that most people do not see it as I see it. I cover in obedience to God. NOT in obedience to Scripture (in regards to 1 Cor 11). It irritates me when people become concerned about me, but tell everyone else except for me about their concerns. Honestly, just about ANY concern that one can come up with...I've already dealt with. Head covering is something I love. It really is. Sure, I miss my hair...My grandma is a beautician....we LOVE doing each others' hair. However, I cover for more than just Scripture may (or may not) tell me to do so or modesty. Obeying God with one's life is the number one way to love God. And loving God with all that we are is the number one commandment! God has called me to cover my head...and it has been affirmed in many ways.

However, people's fear and judgment keep them from merely seeing that I cover my head for God. People become worried about myself looking like a Muslim. So I say..."What's wrong with looking like a Muslim?!" I had the same concern when I first started covering. I looked in the mirror and saw a Muslim, though I believe in Christianity to its fullest extent! No doubt about that! After covering my head for as long as I have, I have realized that people may or may not see Muslim when they look at me. If so, no biggie. If they don't...that's fine, because they see religious. So many in this country are apathetic in regards to religion. They honestly do not know what they believe. They may or may not heard of any god, and thus, they may not even know of The true GOD (I AM). It makes me terribly sad to think that we, as Christians, just assume that everyone knows about God. Seeing someone in some sort of covering causes people to think and ask questions...I see this as one way that I witness. I do have quite a few people ask me if I am a Muslim woman. I reply that I am a Christian as well as anything else that I feel needs to be said. Sometimes, I ask people what they believe. Some of the most amazing conversations I have ever had have been started by someone asking about my head being covered. I know that some people are even concerned about my safety. I have not figured this one out yet. I am treated with more respect now than I EVER have been before. I am seen as a woman, rather than some college kid. I have been harassed ONCE and only once, and I did not allow it to harm me in any way, mentally or physically. I don't have to worry about being looked at for my body. Most days, I feel overweight. Not a surprise...however, with my covering comes modesty. And with modesty my self-image is able to disappear. Instead of seeing an overweight girl, I see a woman striving to follow God. It kills me to know that I once didn't dress so modestly. But God is a forgiving God, and I am able to change my ways with His help.

So, here's my rant tonight for you...Covering my head does NOT define me. God defines me and refines me through covering my head. When people look at me, they are able to see a person. Not a body. God defines me because it is by HIS grace and HIS mercy that I am here today to tell you about Him. It is HIM who created me and HIM who sustains me. HE provides for me. HE comforts me. And HE teaches me. HE refines me to be the person that I am created to be. I may not always know exactly what's going on, but as someone who is walking alongside me, one has to be willing to accept what HE is asking me to do. If you don't agree, voice it...but please don't be judgmental. I have enough people judging me...so you can allow that to be one less that I have to stand against. PLUS...In all honesty, your vote does not really matter because God is all that matters! HE has the final say.

With that being said...I am not sure how much longer I will be covering. Although I love it, some days, I feel it does more harm than good. I still feel like it is an amazing practice, and I would recommend it to anyone struggling with modesty or just wanting a challenge. However, various interactions have caused me to wonder if this is really what God wants. Last night, I sat on my stool praying and listening for a friend, but also for head covering. By the end of my time with Him, I was on my knees completely bowed listening to what He had to say. Now, I'm a planner, so you should know that I've already tried uncovering a few times and found out that was DEFINITELY not God's will at that time...and thus, prior to yesterday, I had begun to plan to uncover at the end of the semester. However, God has had a purpose that He's been working in my life. And, I know that the purpose is almost completed. (Contrary to what some of my closest friends might think.) I'll try and post another blog tonight or tomorrow about the things I have learned while covering and what that purpose is. Anyhow...back to being on my knees. Haha. As I knelt, I felt this overwhelming urge just to ask God to let me know if and when it would be alright to uncover. I asked Him to make it physically hurt right then if I weren't supposed to uncover and with those words, I took off my cover. I sat for quite some time in silence listening and responding to God about how I felt. Honestly, my knee which had been in pain all day had stopped hurting and my headache went away as I sat. And the longer I sat, the more relaxed I felt. However, it made me incredibly uncomfortable to be talking to God with my head uncovered after doing it for so long. I decided that I would do the opposite at that point in time. SO, I put my cover back on, and asked God to make it physically hurt if I was not supposed to have my cover on. With those words, my knee pain came back and my headache was on again, full force. I'm not sure if we will get the same interpretation from this as I got. (I can assure you that my headache was not caused by the mere wrapping of my hair.) After another while...I spoke and asked God to show me when I should uncover. Being the planner that I am, this is hard. I don't know when He will ask me to uncover. God doesn't really work on a time schedule, so uncovering could be incredibly soon or it could be months. I don't know. And honestly, I don't care. I know that He has told me to take each day for itself. (Scriptural!) And I know that He has told me that while the purpose is close to being fulfilled, it's not done yet. So...I will cover. Until HE says otherwise.

God defines me and refines me. You cannot deny that. With all that I am, may I love God forever and ever!