Life with PASSION

Making sense of life has been really difficult for me the past few years.  December 2011, I decided I was done with school.  Or at least, for the moment.  I had health issues going on and on top of that, I really had no idea what I was going to do with my life.  In July 2011, I got myself a girlfriend.  Lol.  While that sounds really odd in writing, it really shook my world upside down.  Up until that point, I had planned on being a pastor.  Being a lesbian changed everything.  I was trying to figure out how I was going to do something that was impossible with the current church doctrine.  While I believe and I believed at that point that God had no issue with me being with a woman, the church had an issue with it.  SO - From that point on, I dismissed the idea that I would become a pastor anytime soon.  And as of right now, while that calling is still there, I don't think I will become a pastor anytime soon.  (Sorry for the letdown guys...lol)

I was left with nothing.  Well, I actually had a LOT of nothing. 
A semester of work in music education.
Three semesters of work in interpersonal communication.
Semester of work in English - that I really did not like! 
No money.
No job.
No stability in the family.
No church.
And almost, no God.

I had pretty much given up.  I had no passion left.  I hurt.  I was angry.  And I was done.  Short of taking my own life, I decided to take a break from trying to figure out what to do with my life and just live life for a while.  My parents, flute teacher, and family hated my decision.  I did too.  But I was desparate to figure things out.  Not saying I have everything figured out, but God has taught me a lot in the last couple of years.

Most of my sanity has actually come from being a part of a church called Light of Love Fellowship.  It was based in Saint Louis and since has closed its doors less than a year after we (Nichole and I) found them.  It was definitely a God-send.  They were a MUCH different church than what I was used to being a part of.  They shouted and danced and RAN IN CHURCH!!!  Like DURING service!  They taught me how to praise God like my life depended on it, because honestly, it did depend on it!  They taught me how to pray and believe that change was going to occur but also to be willing for that change to happen.  They taught me that the Word of God is more than a book of stories and instructions on how to live life but also PROMISES!  Ya see, when you're desparate and people tell you to read your Bible, unless you have the eyes to see the promises you see a bunch of stuff you're not doing right.  And it can be really condemning especially if you're struggling with something like being a homosexual.  This church taught me that it was okay to be me.  That I can be a homosexual and a Christian.  Ha!  My Pastor was gay, surely if God calls homosexuals to be leaders in the church, then I could be a Christian.  Nichole and I were later married in that church on November 17, 2012.  Most of the people in attendance were church members, other than family.  We then learned how to live a Godly life as a married couple.  One according to the Bible and the standard that God has for all relationships.  They also opened the possibility of my calling back up. 

Meanwhile, in June 2012 (just before we found LOLF), I began working with adults who have disabilities.  I no longer work for the organization, but I am still in the field.  I call them "my people."  People who have disabilities, no matter what age or disability, are the most compassionate people I have ever met.  They are fun and loving.  They are stubborn just as you or I and have STRONG personalities.  They are not vegetables.  They are more sweet than a strawberry!  Anyway, LOLF also taught me a lot about the calling as a minister in our every day lives.  Everyone knows that we all aren't meant to be pastors or have a job title in the church.  But does everyone know that we all still have that commission that Jesus gave us in Matthew 28?  We are all called to make disciples, to teach, to love, to share, to help someone make the decision to be baptized....We're called to do this in our every-day "normal" vocation/career/life.  So, little by little as I waited impatiently for that calling to be a pastor to be "NOW" I learned to live it out at my workplace.  Now, I'm not perfect by any means.  Little by little I learn how to do things better.  BUT - Through that, I've found a deep love and passion for these people.  The advocation they need.  The care they need.  The love they need.  The teaching they need.  The healing they need. 

I'm sure you all saw the posts about going to Maryville for OT, and then for Rehabilitation Sciences, and then Music therapy, and who knows what else?!  I'm sure you've seen umpteen million posts about this is what I'm going to do with my life!  When I get on something, a lot of times I'll run with it while it is premature.  Hence the waiting with this one. 

And I'm still not giving the details.  Sorry! 

I will tell you this.  I'm entering a field that wasn't on my radar before.  I'm entering a field that I've dismissed many times when it has come up.  I'm entering a field that Jalen would approve of.  I'm entering a field that will give me the ability to work in a variety of places and care for a number of people.  I'm entering a field that is QDDP certified, allowing me to work with MY People.  Where compassion is abundant!  And where the need is there. 

Absolute Dream Job:  Wherever God leads me. 

My Best:  Working with the Disabled (DMH - Department of Mental Health).  Whether that be in a mental institute, behavioral analysis therapy, school, someone's home, doctor's office, group rehabilitation center, an office putting together PCP (person-centered plans), as a casemanager, etc.  Like I said, there's a lot of possibilities.  Who knows, I could work for the DMH myself!

By now you may have guessed.  But the rest of the details as to where and when it will happen is ITLH - In the Lord's Hand. 

If you pray to Jesus Christ, I'd love prayers.  For discernment and for the financial means to acheive what I need to do.  As of right now, I am only elegible for loans as I am still considered a "dependent" according to the state and my parents are not helping with school costs this time around.  Most of the costs will have to be paid outright and reimbursed with a check if loans are available (as most loans do not post until Sept 15 and many schools requre tuition to be paid before the semester even begins).  Favor with the admissions department would be awesome too. 

I'm interested to see where God takes me with this path.  Who knows, maybe I will still be an "ordained" pastor.  But for now, I'm content with the ministry I am involved in now.  I am excited.  I have direction.  I have PASSION! 

Did I mention that I am EXCITED???

Circling My Jericho

I've been reading a lot lately.  Saturday, I finished a book called The God Chasers by Tommy Tenney.  It was an excellent read because it increased the desire for God's here and now presence. To read someone else's words about the lack of the Bread of Life in the church and how we've created man-made services, how we often come to worship expecting a blessing, but how we often forget to worship the Blesser.  Anyway, that's one of the books I've read.

The other book that I'm spending time with is The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson.  It talks about our prayer life.  Often, we pray once and then "leave it in God's hands."  BUT...We should rather be persistently praying for the impossible to happen.

Batterson talks about drawing prayer circles around your Jericho, or rather the miracle or dream that your life revolves around.  He says: "You've got to define the promises God wants you to stake claim to, the miracles God wants you to believe for, and the dreams God wants you to pursue" (pg 22).  This also is emphasized in the Gospel when two blind men call out for Jesus and Jesus asks them, "What do you want me to do for you?"  It seems silly to ask that since it is obvious that they are blind.  Batterson says, "Jesus made them verbalize their desire...It wasn't because Jesus didn't know what they wanted; He wanted to make sure they knew what they wanted" (pg 22).

So, here I am.  Attempting to define what I believe God has called me to in this life and claim God's promises for me.  Some of these, I believe, will be for now.  Some of them will be for later.  Some of them I may not receive it fully until heaven.  But regardless, I know that I have a God of the impossible.  God likes it when we can believe for the impossible because He knows that we are completely dependent on Him when it comes to the impossible.  If we can do it ourselves, it isn't big enough.  When Nichole and I got together, or even before that...when we were merely friends...I always told her "Dream BIG."  It wasn't because she had small dreams, but I wanted her to be able to reach for something out of her reach, beyond what the human in her could do.  Thus, I never ask anyone to do anything I won't do myself.  This is my "Dream BIG" moment or my drawing prayer circles around my Jericho.

I believe God has given me the passion to work with people who have disabilities, but I also believe He has called me to dream bigger than a support staff at a day center.  I believe I can dream to allow the Ultimate Teacher to teach me, through school or whatever, to go further.

I believe God has called me into the ministry, I don't know where, but I know that He has called me to earnestly search for Him and in that, I will find my call.

I believe God will take my marriage deep and far beyond where we are now.  I believe our marriage covenant will last.  I believe God will take us places we never could imagine because we're trusting in Him.  I believe that He will give us children.  I believe He will manage our finances to allow us to buy a house.  And I believe these things will happen sooner than later.  I believe Jehovah Jireh will provide us with the ability to tithe and get out of debt!

I believe God will heal me.  This one seems the most impossible right now, but I'm claiming it!  I want full healing from my mind to my body.  No more lupus.  No more fibromyalgia.  No more migraines.  No more bipolar. No more depression.  No more anxiety.  No sickness needed!  I believe God honors this huge prayer and as both books said before, "Prayers never die."  I never really had thought about it, but it really makes me think about what I'm praying for.  Am I praying for the things that stick?  Or am I praying for temporal things?  That doesn't mean I don't pray for the bills to be paid and food to be on the table, but it reminds me what is important.

"Seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6:33

So, Dream BIG!  Write out some of your dreams, all of them if you can!  These are just a few of mine, there are several that I keep deep within my heart and share only with my wife and journal.  But, dream impossible dreams.  God is glorified by our impossible prayers because that means we see Him as a God who is able rather than small.

DREAM!  Circle your Jericho with prayers.

"Well-developed faith results in well-defined prayers, and well-defined prayers result in a well-lived life" (Batterson, pg 23).

Walls of Jericho

Is Vegan Worth It?

I suppose you could say I'm vegan now.

I didn't grow up vegan.  Believe me, there was lots of steak and bacon and hamburger and delicious things like that growing up in my parents' house.  Honestly, I ate meat and a lot of it up until mid-December and then cut it out completely in January.

In November of 2010, I began having health issues and a lot of them.  My weight was ever increasing due to the lack of exercises because of body wide pain caused by fibromyalgia and lupus (SLE), diagnosed in September of 2011.  My migraines got worse to the point where I was going to the ER OFTEN in order to get rid of them since my at home meds were not working.  I was physically incapacitated by the migraines.  And pain struck high notes throughout my body constantly.  I lived in pain.

I heard through a lot of research that going gluten-free helped pain.  SO, Nichole and I went gluten free.  I'm sure you all remember my days of being gluten free and there were quite a few nay-sayers when we went gluten free.  It was a major ordeal to go to the grocery store to find food that was gluten free.  We had six pages with three columns on each page of ingredients chemicals to avoid with gluten.  Like I said, it was a major ordeal.  Not only was it a LONG adventure, it also was EXPENSIVE!!!  Many gluten free foods are 2-3 dollars more than normal food.  A half-loaf of break was around $5 where a normal WHOLE loaf is less than $2.  It was a major break to our budget.  We stopped because of the expense, though it did help us feel better.  (Nichole has lupus, fibro, and migraines too.)  We probably stuck with it for 6 months or so...

Well, January was approaching fast and a few friends decided to all put $10 in the pot towards losing 15% of our total initial body weight.  That meant losing 25lbs or so for me.  (Do not do the math!!!)  ;)  Well, Nichole and I decided we would begin to eat healthier when we began at the beginning of December.  By January, we ate no meat, no dairy, no sweets (including natural sweeteners).  It was a long month, but we made it well and we felt better than EVER!  God showed us both a lot of things about how unhealthy we were eating and more.  But most of all, we were both happy with how we were looking and feeling!  We took the cooking time for dinner as "us" time...because most of our meals took FOREVER to make since we couldn't use a lot of the easy 15-minute box meals.  We made a lasagna that took three hours to make!  That was some definite bonding time since it tasted AWFUL!!!  But everything else that we've made has been pretty good!  Here's some of our deliciousness!!!

Quinoa Burger and corn

Broccoli Cheese Casserole

Kale and Artichoke Hot Pockets

Enchilada and Mexican Rice

Mushroom Strogonoff and Kale Saute

Pizza

Potpie 

Parmesean Crusted Tofu, Stir fry,
and brussel spouts (which were nasty)

Spaghetti with homemade sauce

First stab at tofu, and it turned out pretty good

Potato Skins

Chili or Taco Soup

If you want any of the recipes, email me at msuflute@gmail.com and I'll email it to you!  OR FB me.  But, we did stray beginning in February and that has turned out badly....I feel awful.  I'm back to eating sugar, milk, and eggs.  I'm beginning to think being vegan is worth the trouble.  I could care less about the trouble from my family and close friends when it comes to feeling good or miserable.  But, now I believe that I'm getting sick and that was after a splurge day full of ice cream, chocolate, and pizza (with meat...gasp!).  Clearly, while I still love the taste of all these things, it's not worth it.

I will stick to my dairy-free ice cream, chocolate almond milk, and dairy/meat free pizza!

Is vegan worth it?

I think so.

Loving Me

I've heard it said that you have to love yourself before you can love others.  But we also must hate our own life in order to take on the life God has for us.  So I guess the question is, "Where is that line drawn?"

For years, I've tried to love myself.  I've tried to look good, feel good, and make others think I look and feel good too.  I've tried to be smart and make the right decisions.  I've tried to impress everyone and anyone I possibly could.  I tried to make everyone happy.  But inside, I was dark, lonely, and insecure.

Insecurity...It's something Light of Love Fellowship is studying in our Joshua Outreach Bible Study.  I believe it defines the fine line between loving yourself and loving the you that God created you to be.  When someone is insecure about their looks, smarts, or other attributes, it leads to numerous issues like low self-esteem, pride (yes, I assure you this stems from being insecure), control issues, depression, anxiety, anger, jealously, etc.... even to the extent where someone commits suicide.  When insecurity is uprooted, often we feel empty unless it is replaced by something.

When it is replaced with faith in Jesus Christ, life goes smoother.  We no longer have to worry about the world's judgement.  We are covered by the blood of Jesus which perfects us before the throne.  We are able to rejoice when things aren't going our way because we know that God is working for the good of those who love Him.  We are able to see ourselves as children of the King.  We see hope and light where there once was none just because we know His Name has power and salvation is ours!  We know Jehovah Jireh - Our God as Provider!  We don't have to worry about where the next meal will come from or how we will pay that electric bill.  We have a whole mindset changed.

Nichole, my wife, asked me the other day if I could ask God anything and get a straight-forward answer, what would I ask.  I said, "I would want to know why mental illnesses exist and what good come from them other than the power exalted from God as our Healer."  Nichole merely responded with "Good question."  But it got me thinking.

Most of you all know this, if not, welcome to my life/journal.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I assure you, I'm not crazy to the extent where I can't be around knives or things like that, but I've been in that dark place.  I've spun in my mind to the extent where there is no hope or light in sight.  I honestly can say that I HATE my bipolar self.  I've pleaded with God for healing, and I believe one day, if not here then in heaven, I will receive healing.  BUT, right now, I have to deal with myself every day.  And I don't care if you have the worst illness out there, this word is for you.  If you give Him control over your mind and begin to lift those things up in prayer like none other trusting in Him to take care of it, peace will come.  I may not be able to get healing right now, but I can make a conscious effort to keep peace in my mind.  In doing this, my fears, concerns that I once was insecure about, I'm releasing and uprooting them.  The emptiness is being replaced by love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control...

I love who I'm becoming, not in a prideful way, because it is only through God and His grace that I am anything other than a frantic mess.  I encourage you to figure out what you're insecure about...rebuke the insecurity and lift it to God who can replace it with Him.

Loving me isn't easy with chronic pain and mental issues...but it's made possible ONLY by God.

Sit and Stay

Two commands an animal hardly heeds toward no matter how many times the master says it.  Sit and stay.  Two commands we as children of God hardly listen to no matter how many times we hear it from God Himself.

Renewed Desire

I am so thankful for the Word tonight!  It seems like every once in a while, we get burnt out.  Burnt out on church and all the activity there.  Burnt out on trying to find time to give Jesus a portion of our day.  Burnt out on hearing the same thing from the Word over and over.  (There may be a reason for that...However, it may also be you.)  

Well, after much deliberation tonight and spending time in Word and prayer, it seems like the staleness is gone.  There's a renewed desire to get into the Word (even if it is at 6am) and to have that personal relationship with Christ.  But even more than that, there's a renewed desire to share what I'm learning and experiencing with God.  SOOOOO...

God is leading Nichole and I to something new.  No, we aren't leaving Light of Love Fellowship-STL!  BUT, we are prayerfully beginning to put together a Bible Study/Accountability group that will begin after Thanksgiving.  We have decided that it is something that is needed among a few of us and all else are welcome to join us.  So, I believe the plan is going to be to chose a book of the Bible and stick with it.  We may get a study to go along with it to keep us on track, but we may not.  The thought right now is to go through a book of the Bible we pray and choose as a group and go through it VERY slowly gleaning all we can from it.  So many of us get caught up in doing some study that we forget that the Word is what we need to learn from most!  Everyone's experience and stories and interpretation of it is awesome, but we need the WORD!  Hopefully that will get started up and God will lead us in the direction He intends.  

Also, Nichole and I are praying about where God is leading us.  Yes, we are going out of the country for a short term mission trip. And we vaguely know the dates.  But where has not been confirmed yet.  So we are still needing prayers for direction and preparation as the place where we are led to go will not be an easy place to make home.  The job will not be easy and we need to be ABSOLUTELY sure that "this" is where God wants us to be.  We are both very excited about it.  I have no reservations about going, however, the funds must be there.  I am sure that God will provide through the giving of others to make it happen.  Fundraising will begin soon after God makes a few confirmations of destination and dates.  (Anyone wanna pay for my passport??? Lol.)  Applications will be sent in as well.  

You should also know that the application process for this ministry is not easy.  The application itself covers the basic need-to-know stuff, but it also asks quite a few questions that the answers are more like essays.  So, already be praying as we fill out the application and discern where God is taking us!  

I am soooo excited about where God is taking us in the school of life!  He is doing some awesome things to build our faith, but there have been plenty of trials and temptations.  We are learning more than ever and for the first time in a long time, I desire the Word.  I desire my prayer time.  I desire to fast. (Yes, imagine that?!)  Sure, there are times when I'm tired and I really don't "feel" like doing it...but my heart always brings me back to why I'm doing it.  There's a renewed desire in me to live the life God intended for me to live.  And even though I've been told to wait and be patient, I've also been told to get up off my laziness and get moving because there is a lot to learn before I can get anywhere near a pulpit.  And it's sad to admit it, but I'm finally learning that the goal is not to get behind the pulpit, but to get in check with God!  To walk with Jesus down the road to Emmaus and to experience life at its best with Him!  Jesus came for us to have life at it's fullest...sure, we must learn to wait for various circumstances to arise, but we MUST claim it!  

What's your true desire?  Where is God asking you to go?  Down the street?  Across the room?  To another city?  Country? Do you even desire to be a witness for Him?  

"Keep lookin' up, 

Cause God's lookin' down - 

And EYE CONTACT is CRUCIAL!!!!"

Just a Little...

Disappointed.  Angry.  Hurt.

Yeah, that's the extent of what I am right now.  I had hoped to have a dream wedding in November when I began this battle.  However, through it's craziness, I have learned that I won't get that dream wedding.  Not with the budget that I have.  But, I've also learned that God wanted a simple wedding for two simple believers.  Now, I see how important it is to have the ones you love with you on that big day!  Not everyone I want to be there will be at my wedding though...

Some live out of town like 12 hours away (they are excused).

Some can't afford to come up/down for the wedding (they are excused).

Some didn't rearrange their schedule to be at their family's members wedding.  This I find ridiculous.  Especially with ample notice...sure, it may not have been a year or two in advance, but 2-4 months, should be plenty of time.

My mom and my siblings will probably not be at my wedding.  This sucks.  I wanted my sister to be a part of my wedding (and my lil' bro and lil' big bro - ya know, the ones who are blood-related to me)...but now, they can't.  My mom is my mom!!!  You'd think it would be a "no duh" with that one!  Of course I want my mom at my wedding!  (Of course, when I was eloping - that was the only disappointing part - my parents couldn't be a part of my wedding!)  Now, I'm not eloping.  I want people there.  I want there to be a spirit of celebration.  And so yeah, I'm disappointed, angry, and hurt that they won't be there.

I wish I could change the date of my wedding.  But I can't.  If I knew that Nichole's grandma would be around in a year or two (or even 6 months), I would wait.  But I don't.  And I don't want to be that fiance who causes her grandma to be unable to be at her wedding.  That's just not how it works.  I don't want that to be something that comes between us.  I would want my fiance to do the same if it were my grandma who was dying of cancer!!!  And maybe in 6 months or 2 years, Nichole's grandma will still be around (God willing!!!).  But, I'm not gonna chance it because it doesn't make sense to do so.

Plus, Nichole and I need to get married.  We're already living together and sharing each other's lives (No, we aren't having sex), but God would prefer that we get married sooner rather than later.  We already act like married people. LOL.

Just wish my family would be there with me to celebrate.  It hurts because they would probably make sure to rearrange their schedules if I were marrying a man in a traditional wedding that everyone had been planning too.  No one helped us plan this wedding.  No one helped with costs.  So, I have done everything possible to make sure that this wedding happens - Yet, it appears that I rank on the bottom of the priority list.

Just so you know, I'm STILL going to get married to Nichole by the end of Nov 17th, 2012.  And I will be the happiest girl on my wedding day because I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend!  :)