Loving Me

I've heard it said that you have to love yourself before you can love others.  But we also must hate our own life in order to take on the life God has for us.  So I guess the question is, "Where is that line drawn?"

For years, I've tried to love myself.  I've tried to look good, feel good, and make others think I look and feel good too.  I've tried to be smart and make the right decisions.  I've tried to impress everyone and anyone I possibly could.  I tried to make everyone happy.  But inside, I was dark, lonely, and insecure.

Insecurity...It's something Light of Love Fellowship is studying in our Joshua Outreach Bible Study.  I believe it defines the fine line between loving yourself and loving the you that God created you to be.  When someone is insecure about their looks, smarts, or other attributes, it leads to numerous issues like low self-esteem, pride (yes, I assure you this stems from being insecure), control issues, depression, anxiety, anger, jealously, etc.... even to the extent where someone commits suicide.  When insecurity is uprooted, often we feel empty unless it is replaced by something.

When it is replaced with faith in Jesus Christ, life goes smoother.  We no longer have to worry about the world's judgement.  We are covered by the blood of Jesus which perfects us before the throne.  We are able to rejoice when things aren't going our way because we know that God is working for the good of those who love Him.  We are able to see ourselves as children of the King.  We see hope and light where there once was none just because we know His Name has power and salvation is ours!  We know Jehovah Jireh - Our God as Provider!  We don't have to worry about where the next meal will come from or how we will pay that electric bill.  We have a whole mindset changed.

Nichole, my wife, asked me the other day if I could ask God anything and get a straight-forward answer, what would I ask.  I said, "I would want to know why mental illnesses exist and what good come from them other than the power exalted from God as our Healer."  Nichole merely responded with "Good question."  But it got me thinking.

Most of you all know this, if not, welcome to my life/journal.  I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I assure you, I'm not crazy to the extent where I can't be around knives or things like that, but I've been in that dark place.  I've spun in my mind to the extent where there is no hope or light in sight.  I honestly can say that I HATE my bipolar self.  I've pleaded with God for healing, and I believe one day, if not here then in heaven, I will receive healing.  BUT, right now, I have to deal with myself every day.  And I don't care if you have the worst illness out there, this word is for you.  If you give Him control over your mind and begin to lift those things up in prayer like none other trusting in Him to take care of it, peace will come.  I may not be able to get healing right now, but I can make a conscious effort to keep peace in my mind.  In doing this, my fears, concerns that I once was insecure about, I'm releasing and uprooting them.  The emptiness is being replaced by love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control...

I love who I'm becoming, not in a prideful way, because it is only through God and His grace that I am anything other than a frantic mess.  I encourage you to figure out what you're insecure about...rebuke the insecurity and lift it to God who can replace it with Him.

Loving me isn't easy with chronic pain and mental issues...but it's made possible ONLY by God.