Alone and Inadequate

I know that I usually write pretty upbeat stuff on my blogs. However, this one is not going to be that way...so, don't read it unless you care to hear about the crap in my life.

Today was a difficult day. It started out rough and it will end rough too. I upset at least three people over the course of the day (myself included). The first was one of my best friends. It was over something incredibly stupid. And it resulted in me going to a doctor today, rather than on Thursday (like I'm still scheduled to do so). The doctor evaluated me mostly on what I said was wrong, rather than a physical check. How else are ya gonna check to see what's wrong with someone who complains of being 92 years old and has a headache that's lasted for 4 days?! Anyhow, for the body achy-ness, he gave me a muscle relaxer to take at night. Oh, and that's supposed to help the headache too. Glad I got my other prescription filled that I usually take for migraines. Found out I also have lost 9 pounds in the last 2.5 months or so...unintentionally. The doctor and I also talked about my depression. I don't know if you knew me (honestly, I don't know if anyone even reads this)...I don't know if you knew me before all this depression stuff hit. It's been pretty recent...like, this year. (as in 2010) Now that it's 2011, I figured I should get with the program. But, I used to be the most cheerful girl around. I could get anyone in a good mood and I was one of the best friends to have. I always had the words to say and always an ear to listen. I was able to make the most of every opportunity and able to lead in new and interesting ways. I enjoyed music and I enjoyed life itself! Notice...all of those were used in the past tense form. I'm not saying that I can't do those things anymore...but that it takes much more work and I don't generally enjoy life anymore. It's just something I go through. SO...Long story made short...I miss that life. And I want it back. So, I'm on an anti-depressant now. My first dose is in the morning. It's a minuscule amount right now, but will probably increase before the month is over. I'm not too excited about it. The doctor asked me if I thought depression was a sin. I OBVIOUSLY said no. But, I'm beginning to wonder how much of this depression was brought on by myself and my actions. I know that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. But...It's not like I've done much at all to get me out of my pit of death and doom! Oh, and I'm starting to doubt my ability to be a pastor. Talk about crazy?! I just don't think it's something I want to do anymore. And I'm not convinced that it's what God has called me to do. Though...I wouldn't know since I'm no where close to Him anymore...He just seems sooo distant. Now...I'm SURE that's my fault. Ya know, maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if I were closer to God. If God is supposed to bring me hope and joy, maybe that would kick out any and all depression. Maybe I'd have some sort of passion again. Right now, I think I'd take passion for ANYTHING in life. But, I don't know. I think I'm running myself into a rut now. Yeah, this post probably won't get posted. Anyhow...

I felt incredibly alone today. I hate doctor's appointments. They always make me feel that way. Sit in the waiting room alone. Sit in the doctors room alone. Talk to the doctor alone. Go home alone now knowing what your problem is...or that's the idea. THEN, not only did I have a doctors appt today, but I also saw NO ONE that I knew until I made it home to find dad in the back bedroom. I hardly talked to my besties today. Again, one was mad at me this morning/early afternoon, then she got tied up with my other bestie while they hung out all evening. I love that they hung out...but it was a rough day, and no one was there to talk. It's kinda hard to text and drive illegally at night. (Okay...yeah, this isn't gonna get posted.) And then, i felt incredibly left out. Maybe even jealous. How ridiculous is that?! My besties might actually be getting along and I'm jealous that they are liking each other. Yeah, I'm dumb. Anyhow...I just felt alone and inadequate today...like my body wasn't good enough and I wasn't positive enough for people to even want to be around me...I don't know if I'd even want to be around me. And then no one was able to talk me out of that stuff today. And then this whole depression thing with making me doubt my pastoring stuff. Which leaves me more lost right now than I need to be. And then, coming home...still in pain. with no one to talk to. I just feel sooo screwed up right now.

Hoping I have the spoons tomorrow to do what I need to do. Between playing the flute with a friend (maybe) and then lunch with a bestie and then a mtg to determine if I'm fit enough to be put in the pastoring process (maybe)...I'm gonna need lots of energy. Maybe for one day, I'll be positive and have some sort of direction of where I need to go with my life.

Anyhow...Okay, so besties are the only ones getting to read this, even though I talked about them in it...but whatever.

I am sorry ladies, that I haven't been myself lately. Or, rather...the self I've been, hasn't been nice to be around. I'm still trying to decide what I'm supposed to be doing in this world...so, I hope you're in with me for this ride. If not, whatever.

I'm scared. Stressed. Lonely. Inadequate for anything..whether it be pastoring or just being a friend. And in pain. (Go figure?!) Alright..Gotta take my muscle relaxer so maybe I'll sleep soon. Hope you enjoyed reading the novel. Love ya ladies...and Sorry if the truth behind the post upsets you. It's been a long, crazy day indeed. 




POST SCRIPT:  So, this is amazingly enough being posted after 4 months of sitting in my drafts folder.  It is certainly interesting to look back on and see how far we all have come and how different things are now.  So...hope you enjoyed it...lol.