In one day, the Earth travels approximately 1.598 million miles from its initial position. Since I last wrote, we have traveled quite far. It's been about a month so I will separate the updates into sections like I did the last post.
Health
Nothing has really changed here. I've been on this patch for a while now. I like it, but I still have to take my pain meds every once in a while to help the pain. Right now, I'm in the middle of a lupus flare. I know this by a few reasons......1) My face is vividly showing the lupus butterfly rash and the rash is seen on other parts of my body. 2) I am in pain. Duh! My joints hurt. My hips and lower back are killing me as well as my hands and toes! Believe it or not, my lil' toe does hurt! Haha. 3) I feel like I have the flu. Every day. It really is horrendous. I wish I could get rid of this part because it makes my fatigue worse and my body is nauseous, etc. I can only hope that this flare will end soon and I will be feeling much better soon!
School
I have decided that I will not be returning to school in Spring of 2012. This is due to getting my health in order as well as a few personal reasons that are not going to be shared on the world wide web. I am terribly excited to have this break although I will miss the learning that happens with school. I need to refocus myself on what I want to do and who I want to be in this life before I return to get degrees and certifications. After losing Jalen, who was my constant lil' reminder of who I need to be, I lost my way. A lot of prep work didn't get done in order to switch schools for the Spring so I'm concerned it would be useless to try and attend school without that work being done. I am not concerned that I will get too busy to return to school. I am pretty set on going back to school. I know who I am and so I will....WILL return to school in the Fall.
Family
Considering Christmas just passed and the new year is approaching, family is doing well. I got to see some of my family this year. Work prohibited me from seeing my family on Christmas Eve with the exception of seeing Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Davine late in the night! And I've worked all of this week except for yesterday, which I spent with my Dad and lil' sibs! :) Oh, and I'll work the rest of this week too! So, work is going well, I suppose. I just hate that all the managers are guys, so no one gets it and my coworkers don't understand me whatsoever. But, I suppose that's how it goes.
Anyway, family. So, I had my first Christmas with Nichole. I loved it. She is such an amazing woman that I couldn't help but overspend for her. PLUS, I got some amazing things from her. She bought us a comforter/sheet set. It is by far the most comfortable comforter EVER! Oh, and we have an awesome family game called SCRABBLE!!! :) We've had a lot of fun playing many times. It's been hard finding time with each other since she started working nights. I honestly hate that our schedules do not go together at all! It makes me crazy when I get home and she is leaving for the night. But, I suppose that is how it goes. We do get some time to ourselves, but I wish it were at normal hours of the day when we didn't have 15 billion other things to do and take care of. BUT...Christmas was phenomenal. We got to spend it with both of our families over the 3 day Christmas celebration. :)
Well....I think that's about all I need to update you all on. OH...We did move at the end of November. So we are closer to everything. But we are millions of miles away from yesterday and even further from where we were at the beginning of our relationship. We are stronger than ever in each other and in our love. We take each day at a time and if there is one thing we never do we never take love for granted. "I love you" are the most powerful words of our day. And they are said often! :)
Have a great day!!!
Oh....and I love you, Nichole!!! :)
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Back to Normal???
I had to really contemplate about what I wanted to title this blog. Honestly, things in my life are not back to normal. After the craziness off the last blog post (Aka Life Lived), there have been quite a few changes in my life and in the world around me. I'll try to separate it out into categories, but they really seem to mix together as the story of my life comes into focus............
Health
I really haven't made much progress in my health realm. I have been put on pain medication and that has helped bring the pain levels down when they are bad. I am also trying this patch that feeds medicine into me every hour or so. It helped a little bit the first week, but then I had to start taking my pain meds again because I felt I was back to the normal pain levels - high. Yesterday I started to get the first migraine that I have had since I started my new migraine preventative called topamax. It has stayed under a 5 on the pain scale so it hasn't gotten bad yet. I am hoping it stays that way and goes away soon! My eyes hurt from the light sensitivity!!! Regardless, I will still work on the computer, text on my phone, and go to classes, etc.
School
This is becoming a pain. Some of my professors are not so accommodating to excuse my absences and accept my homework that is coming in late to her. I am somewhat annoyed by this particular professor's actions and words. They really strike someone with chronic pain right in the heart. I've missed 9 out of her 43 class periods. She allows 5 excused absences without grades being knocked down. And she pretty much told me that I can't miss any more class periods. She wants to know why I am missing test days and quizzes....I told her I can't predict when my health is going to keep me in bed. Regardless, she still wants to know why I am not in class and why I've missed 25% of her class. (There goes my participation grade) I just don't think I can handle her any longer. From now on, I'm pushing myself beyond anything and even if I don't think I can do it...by golly, I'm going to that damn class!!! She wants me there that badly, I suppose. There's a reason I went through the trouble of going to the disability office.
ALSO...I'm considering whether or not I should register for classes at the community college in the Spring. I need to meet with a representative to talk about nursing school, which is extremely exciting to me. However, I have people like my father or others who have told me that I should consider taking time off to figure out what I want to do before I spend all the money in loans, etc, to go to school. Also, I have realized that I don't think I can get scholarships through the community college. Especially because I am not pursuing further education after the community college, yet. I really just want to be done with school and everything that is going on but it never seems to end. That's why I think there is part of me that wants to be done and just wants to take a break. But, I am afraid that I will never go back once I stop. Especially because, I will get a full-time job and I will be working. I doubt I will want to go back to school. I have really thought about it and I wonder what it would be like to not be in school. Honestly, I've never really had that before. Even summers were preparation for the next school year. Regardless, I will probably register for a science class or two...probably three to make sure I'm full-time. Then I'll take it from there. Maybe my schedule will allow me to work a normal-ish job in the day and take classes on set days or in the evenings. Who knows?!
Family
Nichole is back to work after Mr. Jalen left for Heaven. She is doing multiple cases but her goal is to work a night case full-time from 7pm to 7am. I was against it at first because I LOVE our evenings together, it's my favorite time of the day. However, it is what Nichole wants, and I want her to be happy (plus, there's other reasons that I can't list here because I just can't. Sorry.) Nichole and I are phenomenal together. We have fights just like any other couple, but we make up...like some couples. We love each other with all that we have and we share openly with each other all that we have. I know that we are both stressed out of our minds though right now. Between finances, moving, and various issues, we are nuts.
WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
We move in on November 30th. It is only a studio apartment, so it is small, but not too small. We have mostly figured out where everything is going, but we have a LOT of stuff that isn't going to fit, so we are making other arrangements for those. SO MUCH PACKING TO DO!!!! I am excited to be moving again and especially in with Nichole! And the bunnies will be free-roaming bunnies! AND...we will be closer to schools and work! :) OH...Speaking of work.....
Work
I'm back to work! And I have two new managers....both are guys. One is really weird and the other is cool. I am gonna go insane with all the new people. But hey, I guess that's the ups of being good at my job and helping out the ones who are just starting. ;) I am only working weekends to keep the stress down and at the lovely request of my fiance. So yep.
I think that is all I have for you. Lots of changes. I am really kinda crazy about everything going on. I'm behind in just about everything you can imagine. But hey......At least things are kinda back to normal????
Health
I really haven't made much progress in my health realm. I have been put on pain medication and that has helped bring the pain levels down when they are bad. I am also trying this patch that feeds medicine into me every hour or so. It helped a little bit the first week, but then I had to start taking my pain meds again because I felt I was back to the normal pain levels - high. Yesterday I started to get the first migraine that I have had since I started my new migraine preventative called topamax. It has stayed under a 5 on the pain scale so it hasn't gotten bad yet. I am hoping it stays that way and goes away soon! My eyes hurt from the light sensitivity!!! Regardless, I will still work on the computer, text on my phone, and go to classes, etc.
School
This is becoming a pain. Some of my professors are not so accommodating to excuse my absences and accept my homework that is coming in late to her. I am somewhat annoyed by this particular professor's actions and words. They really strike someone with chronic pain right in the heart. I've missed 9 out of her 43 class periods. She allows 5 excused absences without grades being knocked down. And she pretty much told me that I can't miss any more class periods. She wants to know why I am missing test days and quizzes....I told her I can't predict when my health is going to keep me in bed. Regardless, she still wants to know why I am not in class and why I've missed 25% of her class. (There goes my participation grade) I just don't think I can handle her any longer. From now on, I'm pushing myself beyond anything and even if I don't think I can do it...by golly, I'm going to that damn class!!! She wants me there that badly, I suppose. There's a reason I went through the trouble of going to the disability office.
ALSO...I'm considering whether or not I should register for classes at the community college in the Spring. I need to meet with a representative to talk about nursing school, which is extremely exciting to me. However, I have people like my father or others who have told me that I should consider taking time off to figure out what I want to do before I spend all the money in loans, etc, to go to school. Also, I have realized that I don't think I can get scholarships through the community college. Especially because I am not pursuing further education after the community college, yet. I really just want to be done with school and everything that is going on but it never seems to end. That's why I think there is part of me that wants to be done and just wants to take a break. But, I am afraid that I will never go back once I stop. Especially because, I will get a full-time job and I will be working. I doubt I will want to go back to school. I have really thought about it and I wonder what it would be like to not be in school. Honestly, I've never really had that before. Even summers were preparation for the next school year. Regardless, I will probably register for a science class or two...probably three to make sure I'm full-time. Then I'll take it from there. Maybe my schedule will allow me to work a normal-ish job in the day and take classes on set days or in the evenings. Who knows?!
Family
Nichole is back to work after Mr. Jalen left for Heaven. She is doing multiple cases but her goal is to work a night case full-time from 7pm to 7am. I was against it at first because I LOVE our evenings together, it's my favorite time of the day. However, it is what Nichole wants, and I want her to be happy (plus, there's other reasons that I can't list here because I just can't. Sorry.) Nichole and I are phenomenal together. We have fights just like any other couple, but we make up...like some couples. We love each other with all that we have and we share openly with each other all that we have. I know that we are both stressed out of our minds though right now. Between finances, moving, and various issues, we are nuts.
WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
We move in on November 30th. It is only a studio apartment, so it is small, but not too small. We have mostly figured out where everything is going, but we have a LOT of stuff that isn't going to fit, so we are making other arrangements for those. SO MUCH PACKING TO DO!!!! I am excited to be moving again and especially in with Nichole! And the bunnies will be free-roaming bunnies! AND...we will be closer to schools and work! :) OH...Speaking of work.....
Work
I'm back to work! And I have two new managers....both are guys. One is really weird and the other is cool. I am gonna go insane with all the new people. But hey, I guess that's the ups of being good at my job and helping out the ones who are just starting. ;) I am only working weekends to keep the stress down and at the lovely request of my fiance. So yep.
I think that is all I have for you. Lots of changes. I am really kinda crazy about everything going on. I'm behind in just about everything you can imagine. But hey......At least things are kinda back to normal????
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Shift in the Wind
I know I have been an absolutely horrible blogger as of late. And I know I probably say that every time. BUT SERIOUSLY!!! I mean it. So, needless to say, I have a lot to mention....
I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!! I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE). I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it. I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it. At least I have answers when some people don't even have those! Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect. I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable. I feel like I have the flu, only not really. It feels worse. And it feels worse every day. I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day. There are worse days, but never better days. So, my normal day becomes a good day. That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable). I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!! SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......
A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good. She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well. The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk. My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome. Other than that, things with the family are pretty good. Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack. And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies). They made the move quick and easy. ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!! ;)
SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life. I want to be a school nurse. Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know. The average college student changes their major 5 times. I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time. BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again. Why?
I love kids.
I love helping people.
I love educating people.
Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher. So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me. I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth. (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.) I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel. But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything. I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though. And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help. And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health. Perhaps I'm crazy.
I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing. A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people. I want to help people in this way. And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead. I am good at the sciences anyway. They come easily to me. I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school. LOL!!!
While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that. I think. I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.
It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups. Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level. And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind. Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.
Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........
I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!! I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE). I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it. I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it. At least I have answers when some people don't even have those! Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect. I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable. I feel like I have the flu, only not really. It feels worse. And it feels worse every day. I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day. There are worse days, but never better days. So, my normal day becomes a good day. That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable). I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!! SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......
A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good. She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well. The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk. My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome. Other than that, things with the family are pretty good. Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack. And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies). They made the move quick and easy. ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!! ;)
SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life. I want to be a school nurse. Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know. The average college student changes their major 5 times. I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time. BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again. Why?
I love kids.
I love helping people.
I love educating people.
Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher. So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me. I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth. (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.) I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel. But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything. I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though. And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help. And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health. Perhaps I'm crazy.
I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing. A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people. I want to help people in this way. And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead. I am good at the sciences anyway. They come easily to me. I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school. LOL!!!
While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that. I think. I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.
It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups. Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level. And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind. Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.
Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........
Monday, July 4, 2011
Family
It's been a while since I posted, so I figured I would today! First and foremost, happy independence day! Welcome to mid-summer! Hope you all are staying cool and DRY?! It looks like it will be an okay night for fireworks, considering it was pouring all afternoon/evening yesterday!!! So that's exciting! I heard rumor that we were shooting off our own fireworks tonight at Nichole's place. I haven't done that in YEARS, so while I'm not lighting them, I want to make sure to give others a hard time about it. Just kidding!!! (Kind of...lol.)
Since it is July, the Kelly family is gearing up to go OUT OF THE COUNTRY?!?!?! I take them to the airport on Friday afternoon for them to leave for their Baltic Cruise. I am terribly jealous, because I know they are going to have a PHENOMENAL TIME!!!!!!! Plus, I've never been out of the country, nor on a cruise ship, and they get to do both! So, that's really exciting for Nichole and her family. It'll be exciting to hear all of their stories when they return. As they gear up to go cruisin', I am learning all I can about taking care of their pets. They have two dogs (easy!!!), two bunnies (which are ADORABLE), and two birds (which seem easy, but still are a bit scary). Today, I got out the bunnies to love on them a while while Nichole was at work. They are so cute and totally worth the coated clothes!!! Okay, legitimately, my clothes are COVERED in bunny fur. I changed completely afterwards. As I'm getting to know the bunnies and being able to get them out by myself, I'm feeling more comfortable with taking care of them. I don't want their animals to be cooped up in a cage for two weeks, so being able to get them out and back in without any huge obstacles is comforting!!! And while Ashes likes to cuddle, Emily is active and fun to play with. She is slowly growing on me! :) As for the birds, I'm learning. They are seeming easier to handle than what I first imagined. Ruby, the African Grey, doesn't really care for me, but I'm learning tricks for how to deal with her. I learned how to feed Freckles, the cockatiel, last night. He isn't too bad, and while he enjoys flying, he was hurt last week in a flying adventure so in recovering for that, he is not flying much. His wings were clipped. So, while he may not like me very much, at least I don't have to chase him around too much! Haha. The dogs, Bailey and Clyde, are easy to take care of. They like their food wet, which is gross, but whatever?! Lol. They are the most laid back, well-behaved dogs I have EVER encountered!!! They listen to me better than my own dog, Jax, listens to me!!! So, needless to say, I'm learning how to take care of their most precious family additions.
I'm much better today than I was yesterday. I really don't like this new med that I started last week. It makes me extremely tired and groggy. I sleep 10+ hours a night, which I really can't afford to get into the habit of. No issue of insomnia there!!! My body hurts still, but what's new?! I am doing better in the long run, but I still seem to be in more pain than I should be in. After a talk with my best friend last night, I think it would probably be best to try a different course in meds or something! The physical therapy is helping, but outside of the sessions, I'm not doing the greatest at keeping up with it. The exercises are not as simple as they seem and I fear I am doing them wrong when I do them. BUT, it is nice to walk out of a PT session with pain levels as low as 1! Hopefully, my rheumatologist can figure out why my rheumatoid factor is high and why I still have tons of joint pain even though I'm on a medicine used to treat rheumatoid arthritis. I should see some sort of difference two months into the med, right??? Anyway, I think as my life gets put back in order and I catch up on my finances, the lowered stress will be able to lower my pain levels a bit too. Perhaps not to a zero, but at least some.
Okay, I'm getting bored of talking about my health, so on to something else?!
Oh, I was able to visit some family from England yesterday. That was fun! Exhausting, but good! I am still struggling to figure out some things regarding my more immediate family, but that's not for the blogging world to see. Sorry! But, prayers are appreciated as I discern what to do and how to go about doing it! Thanks!
Anything else you want to know, you can always comment or email me! Beyond that, I'm done.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ketchup
I haven't updated you all in a while, so I thought I'd do a "Ketchup" post. :)
All in all, I've been pretty good. This past weekend, I went down to the beach with my mom, her fiancee, his kid, my sister, my littlest brother Jacob. I had a good time. Wednesday night, after dance class, we headed down to Alabama where we picked up him and his crew. We didn't get in until SUPER late, or early...6am?! Then we snoozed for a lil' while at his place. Then, we packed our bags and hit the road for the beach. This trip was quite the ordeal as it was one of the few times that I was going down to AL, but also going gluten free.
It seems like everything in the south is fried. You've got fried tomatoes, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried ANYTHING?! So, getting food was quite the challenge. The first two places we ate were a major fail. One night my plate had a roll on it. The second night I had fried jalapeno hushpuppies. Then we began to eat at places that were a little more friendly to me. One place had an allergy menu, so I could cross gluten off the list. The manager had to come and take my order and then brought out my food. It was so comforting knowing that they cared about people who couldn't eat gluten. The next place had a gluten free menu, so I just ordered off of it. I know my family isn't used to having someone around with food allergies, and I know my mom isn't a fan of this diet, but I think after this weekend, they are beginning to adjust to it. Even though they were impatient at times, they are beginning to see what I can eat and what I can't, which is a great start! (And I even made a conscious choice to pray before each meal, even if I was doing it alone!!!)
Eating gluten free isn't the only thing my family learned while we were at the beach. They also began to see that I can't do everything. I talk about my health a lot on here because it limits a lot of what I can and can't do. The first night at the beach, I was so worn out from the drive and lack of sleep that I couldn't even manage to get out of bed to go eat dinner. The second night I was able to go out because I paced myself. We also got to go play mini golf, during which I scored 2nd place!!! That was exciting! I wasn't able to spend Saturday on the beach because I had overdone myself the night before, but I was able to sit out with the family and play a game of Yahtzee! Unfortunately, I scored in 2nd place again?! Seemed to be a theme. Sunday, I riled myself out of bed to go to Mass at 8 in the morning! I was told we were to leave the condo at 10am, so I was under the impression that everyone would be pretty much packed and ready to load when I got back. Yeah, apparently not. Everyone was sleeping when I got back. Not so great! SO...I had a bowl of yummy goodness! :-)
Meet Yummy Goodness. This is a creation by Nichole, my best friend. It is vanilla ice cream, covered in strawberries (which have been soaked in sugar), and caramel topping. It is DELICIOUS!!! I eat lots of this because it makes me happy. Lol. I made sure I had this down south too. It is gluten free as all of the parts are gluten free! ;) So, I had a bowl of this for breakfast after I got back from Mass. BTW, Happy Pentecost half a week late! Of course, we got up and out of there eventually, but I was exhausted from it all! After the long 8 hour drive back from his place on Monday morning, Morgan and I had stage rehearsals. Now, she did most of the dancing, but not being home killed me. I also played around with the lights since I'm running lights this weekend and did a lil' dancing of my own for the alumni dance! Around 10:15pm, I finally arrived home. After unpacking, I crawled into bed grateful to have such a comfy bed!!! It was certainly a weekend!!!
Since then, I haven't done much. I got to go see Nichole for a little while yesterday. I was happy to see her, although she wasn't so happy to go back to season ONE on Prison Break when she was at a cliff hanger on season THREE?!?!?! But, she did...until she got her sister's computer to watch her episodes with headphones. Lol. Either way, we got to hang out for a while. OH...We also painted our toes again! I just put glitter on mine this week. It made up for her super cute pink and green toes with flowers!!! ;)
Anyhow, I am in a lot of pain today. I hate how fibromyalgia works...Ya never know when a bad day will come. But, I'll make it through. Really wishing I could find a job...It is driving me crazy! But, who knows?! Someday someone will hire me. Just hope it is sooner rather than later. I'm wondering if I still have ice cream here...if so, Yummy Goodness will be an order. Especially since I had M&Ms for breakfast. Lol. Great diet! I know! Hopefully this was a decent Ketchup! Much love!
All in all, I've been pretty good. This past weekend, I went down to the beach with my mom, her fiancee, his kid, my sister, my littlest brother Jacob. I had a good time. Wednesday night, after dance class, we headed down to Alabama where we picked up him and his crew. We didn't get in until SUPER late, or early...6am?! Then we snoozed for a lil' while at his place. Then, we packed our bags and hit the road for the beach. This trip was quite the ordeal as it was one of the few times that I was going down to AL, but also going gluten free.
It seems like everything in the south is fried. You've got fried tomatoes, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried ANYTHING?! So, getting food was quite the challenge. The first two places we ate were a major fail. One night my plate had a roll on it. The second night I had fried jalapeno hushpuppies. Then we began to eat at places that were a little more friendly to me. One place had an allergy menu, so I could cross gluten off the list. The manager had to come and take my order and then brought out my food. It was so comforting knowing that they cared about people who couldn't eat gluten. The next place had a gluten free menu, so I just ordered off of it. I know my family isn't used to having someone around with food allergies, and I know my mom isn't a fan of this diet, but I think after this weekend, they are beginning to adjust to it. Even though they were impatient at times, they are beginning to see what I can eat and what I can't, which is a great start! (And I even made a conscious choice to pray before each meal, even if I was doing it alone!!!)
Eating gluten free isn't the only thing my family learned while we were at the beach. They also began to see that I can't do everything. I talk about my health a lot on here because it limits a lot of what I can and can't do. The first night at the beach, I was so worn out from the drive and lack of sleep that I couldn't even manage to get out of bed to go eat dinner. The second night I was able to go out because I paced myself. We also got to go play mini golf, during which I scored 2nd place!!! That was exciting! I wasn't able to spend Saturday on the beach because I had overdone myself the night before, but I was able to sit out with the family and play a game of Yahtzee! Unfortunately, I scored in 2nd place again?! Seemed to be a theme. Sunday, I riled myself out of bed to go to Mass at 8 in the morning! I was told we were to leave the condo at 10am, so I was under the impression that everyone would be pretty much packed and ready to load when I got back. Yeah, apparently not. Everyone was sleeping when I got back. Not so great! SO...I had a bowl of yummy goodness! :-)
Meet Yummy Goodness. This is a creation by Nichole, my best friend. It is vanilla ice cream, covered in strawberries (which have been soaked in sugar), and caramel topping. It is DELICIOUS!!! I eat lots of this because it makes me happy. Lol. I made sure I had this down south too. It is gluten free as all of the parts are gluten free! ;) So, I had a bowl of this for breakfast after I got back from Mass. BTW, Happy Pentecost half a week late! Of course, we got up and out of there eventually, but I was exhausted from it all! After the long 8 hour drive back from his place on Monday morning, Morgan and I had stage rehearsals. Now, she did most of the dancing, but not being home killed me. I also played around with the lights since I'm running lights this weekend and did a lil' dancing of my own for the alumni dance! Around 10:15pm, I finally arrived home. After unpacking, I crawled into bed grateful to have such a comfy bed!!! It was certainly a weekend!!!
Since then, I haven't done much. I got to go see Nichole for a little while yesterday. I was happy to see her, although she wasn't so happy to go back to season ONE on Prison Break when she was at a cliff hanger on season THREE?!?!?! But, she did...until she got her sister's computer to watch her episodes with headphones. Lol. Either way, we got to hang out for a while. OH...We also painted our toes again! I just put glitter on mine this week. It made up for her super cute pink and green toes with flowers!!! ;)
Anyhow, I am in a lot of pain today. I hate how fibromyalgia works...Ya never know when a bad day will come. But, I'll make it through. Really wishing I could find a job...It is driving me crazy! But, who knows?! Someday someone will hire me. Just hope it is sooner rather than later. I'm wondering if I still have ice cream here...if so, Yummy Goodness will be an order. Especially since I had M&Ms for breakfast. Lol. Great diet! I know! Hopefully this was a decent Ketchup! Much love!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Journal vs. Blog
Lately, I've been thinking. I've been pondering about what I write on my blog. My dad mentioned something today about what goes out on his blog...not that anything is bad, but that it is heartfelt and could be "interesting" if the wrong eyes saw it. While I don't feel like my blog discusses anything that would be harmful to anyone, I suppose in the future it could be harmful to myself in the job market or whatever just by the choices I made and what is portrayed on the blog. I love being able to write my feelings out...but lately, I've closed off a lot of those. I've gotten so many people asking why I write about what I do and then there's the eyes of my father and grandma looking upon my blog. While I love them dearly and I never direct my writing to their eyes, I still have that audience in the back of my mind. I am in hopes that many more people read my blog and don't follow it because I KNOW that there are people out there who can relate with my story...
SOOOO...In short, you all have gotten fewer and fewer of my feelings and more of what's been going on...this is due in part to my journaling habits. I stopped journaling everyday a while back and recently, in an effort to not pour out my entire heart into a blog post, I picked journaling back up. I love to journal, but it is hard because sometimes I want what I have to say out there...which is where this blog comes in.
Now, I know that this probably doesn't make much sense right now. I blame it on my headache which is getting worse because of the pain to type this (and I thought I was going to be able to write tonight?!). ANYHOW, the blog will still get a lot of my thoughts, etc...but some will be reserved for my journal. And no worries to the best friend. :) You will still get all of my thoughts because I can't keep anything from ya! Trust me!
I'm still an open book, so you can ask me anything and everything in person, by email, or on here. I've yet to reject answering a question. SO...that's the balance between knowing what to blog about and what to journal about. I'm sure my father is happy with this. Lol.
Nighty night!
SOOOO...In short, you all have gotten fewer and fewer of my feelings and more of what's been going on...this is due in part to my journaling habits. I stopped journaling everyday a while back and recently, in an effort to not pour out my entire heart into a blog post, I picked journaling back up. I love to journal, but it is hard because sometimes I want what I have to say out there...which is where this blog comes in.
Now, I know that this probably doesn't make much sense right now. I blame it on my headache which is getting worse because of the pain to type this (and I thought I was going to be able to write tonight?!). ANYHOW, the blog will still get a lot of my thoughts, etc...but some will be reserved for my journal. And no worries to the best friend. :) You will still get all of my thoughts because I can't keep anything from ya! Trust me!
I'm still an open book, so you can ask me anything and everything in person, by email, or on here. I've yet to reject answering a question. SO...that's the balance between knowing what to blog about and what to journal about. I'm sure my father is happy with this. Lol.
Nighty night!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Sprinkler Sunday
Today was definitely one of the best days I have had in a LONG time! This morning, I lazily got ready for Mass. Of course, that was after spending a few hours in the ER the night before for a migraine that had been going on for 5 days...talk about torture!!! Well, after giving me ten billion drugs (okay, four), including an amazingly strange one, it was dead! Wahoo! They also wrote me a prescription for fioricet which is a migraine med since my current one is not effective any longer. ANYHOW, after that fun last night, it was nice to wake up with relatively little pain. Fibro was working a bit, but other than that...I slept pretty well and was stiff this morning! I even had a bit of energy for the crazy day ahead.
After Mass, which I loved, of course, we (Nichole and I) went to a baptism for someone at Faith UMC. HOWEVER, the immersion pool was not filled with water. Since water seems to be a big part of baptisms, they rescheduled it for Father's day weekend! Hopefully there will be water this time!!! :)
Next, we went home for a quick lunch (leftover tacos) and headed to Nichole's 3rd and final infusion for her migraine headaches. Of course, not before packing ICE CREAM to take with us! Probably the greatest thing ever!!! We took ice cream topped with strawberries and caramel! Mmmm. It was fantastic!!! Best idea ever!
After the infusion, which seemed to take forever since Nichole fell asleep, we grabbed some paperwork from Nichole's place of employment and filled my fioricet prescription since I had a pre-migraine headache. Blah! BUT, the meds kicked it out of the way pretty quickly! :)
THEN...We went to Becky, Jason, and Jovie's place for a BBQ! Not only was the food great, but also the entertainment of each other. Due to a lil' girl, I got to play in the sprinkler! Now, while I didn't have a swimsuit on, I was pretty much forced to run through it. Haha. I was triple-dog dared to run through it...so I had to. Once I did it the first time, of course I had to do it more than once!!! So, I had to do it again and again. Then I was done and refused. But not long after that was I cutting up brisket for her to eat, playing with Barbies, and reading a story with her. Needless to say, I had an awesome time. Pics are on FB...I'm not loading 'em on here too. Lol. BUT, probably one of the best days I've had. I'm sore and in pain...but I'm glad I didn't let that keep me away from having a good time and laughing with the adults as well as with the lil chillin'! Reminds me how much fun I have with kids and the energy, they not only steal from you, but also give you! I don't think I've stopped smiling since I left their place. I just wish I had that kind of energy all the time! GREAT time. Glad I accepted the invitation! :)
So, I had a great Sprinkler Sunday!!! :)
After Mass, which I loved, of course, we (Nichole and I) went to a baptism for someone at Faith UMC. HOWEVER, the immersion pool was not filled with water. Since water seems to be a big part of baptisms, they rescheduled it for Father's day weekend! Hopefully there will be water this time!!! :)
Next, we went home for a quick lunch (leftover tacos) and headed to Nichole's 3rd and final infusion for her migraine headaches. Of course, not before packing ICE CREAM to take with us! Probably the greatest thing ever!!! We took ice cream topped with strawberries and caramel! Mmmm. It was fantastic!!! Best idea ever!
After the infusion, which seemed to take forever since Nichole fell asleep, we grabbed some paperwork from Nichole's place of employment and filled my fioricet prescription since I had a pre-migraine headache. Blah! BUT, the meds kicked it out of the way pretty quickly! :)
THEN...We went to Becky, Jason, and Jovie's place for a BBQ! Not only was the food great, but also the entertainment of each other. Due to a lil' girl, I got to play in the sprinkler! Now, while I didn't have a swimsuit on, I was pretty much forced to run through it. Haha. I was triple-dog dared to run through it...so I had to. Once I did it the first time, of course I had to do it more than once!!! So, I had to do it again and again. Then I was done and refused. But not long after that was I cutting up brisket for her to eat, playing with Barbies, and reading a story with her. Needless to say, I had an awesome time. Pics are on FB...I'm not loading 'em on here too. Lol. BUT, probably one of the best days I've had. I'm sore and in pain...but I'm glad I didn't let that keep me away from having a good time and laughing with the adults as well as with the lil chillin'! Reminds me how much fun I have with kids and the energy, they not only steal from you, but also give you! I don't think I've stopped smiling since I left their place. I just wish I had that kind of energy all the time! GREAT time. Glad I accepted the invitation! :)
So, I had a great Sprinkler Sunday!!! :)
Sunday, May 22, 2011
A Child's Guidebook
A lot has happened since I last wrote. But...I'll catch everything up as time goes on. Today, my brother, Andrew, graduated from high school. He made me proud. The hours sitting at the kitchen table trying to teach him chemistry and proofreading paper after paper. Trying to back him up when kids at school would make fun of him. He was my lil' brother! And I love him to this day! I'm proud that he proved every teacher wrong that has ever told him that he would never graduate...and every kid that made fun of him for wearing glasses or saying "grill" instead of "girl." Silly lisp. But, none the less, he did it. And I must say that the time away from his big sister's eyes did him well. :) Sitting in the HOTTER THAN HELL gym made it completely worth it.
And now to the "fun" part??? After the graduation, I went and picked up my best friend Nichole from the house. THEN...We went out to the house that I grew up in, Mom's place, for a get-together with the family. Upon approaching the house, I could tell it was causing her anxiety. It had been a strife to get her to even come with me, but she came because she loves me "always and forever." ;) By the time we arrived, she was in an anxiety attack and had to take her xanax (anti-anxiety med) to calm her. This was not a good sign. When we entered the house, my brother made a rude comment that almost made her walk out right then and there!!! RIDICULOUS!!! No one even rebuked it though my mom was sitting right there. NOW, I already know that my mom does not like Nichole whatsoever, but she knew and approved permission for her to come. Furthermore, knowing that she was coming and her gluten-free-ness, mom had NOTHING that my best friend could eat...except watermelon. Of course, she didn't even ask if Nichole wanted anything to eat or drink. She showed absolutely no hospitality and it hurt me to see that. BUT, more than that...this isn't the first time........
I am completely and utterly accepted in every way in Nichole's family. I am accepted for who I am. Even my gluten-free-ness is fine with them. They are willing to cater to my needs and pay for my meals even at rather expensive restaurants. They are willing to do anything to make me feel at home. I can enter their house without knocking and I'm even getting a key soon!!!!!!!! How exciting!!! I am welcome to do just about anything at that house and I'm welcome at family gatherings. Invites are sent to their house hold with the intent that I'll just tag along. It's always a good time and I am never disrespected in any way.........
SOOOOOO....When my best friend is treated like crap by my family, it hurts. It hurts more than you would think. To hear that your best friend won't come to any family gathering or even your dance recital because she doesn't feel welcome with your family??? It sucks. It makes me feel like I've failed. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. It makes me feel like I have the worst family out there because they can't even accept a friend of mine. They can't accept her as part of the family and as a huge part of my life. Sure, we haven't grown up together, but, by golly, I know her well enough that we could have! I just wish that my family would see her and respect her as a human. I know her needs are hard to cater to if you aren't thrilled about doing it, but the least you can do is try to offer something that she can eat or ask beforehand. It makes me crazy that she is essentially out of that part of my life because it causes her so much anxiety. It makes me crazy that my family behaves as it does....especially my mother.
The Methodist Church in town has something on their sign out front that says: "A child's guidebook is a parent's life."
TELL ME how I'm supposed to live my life according to what my parents have done. At least my dad shows hospitality and accepts Nichole as a daughter. Sure, he is still struggling to provide for the gluten-free thing, but he accepts that as what she must do and he doesn't like how much I look up to her and the influence that she has on my life, but you can't tell me that it isn't normal for a father to do. He still loves her as his own. BUT, then I have a parent who shows no hospitality, no respect, no nothing! I have a parent that seems to run after whatever makes her happy without any acknowledgment of who is hurt along the way. It is worse than an animal!!! At least they care for their flock! Anyhow, I feel like my guidebook is contradictory to the Bible and the way that God would have me to live. I don't want to be like the family Nichole encountered today. I want to be like Christ in every way I can. I want to take after my dad's willingness to let another dear friend into the family and his hospitality that far surpasses anything my other family members would do. I feel lost if I follow the guidebook that my parents' lives have written because they are still being written and they are still learning. I'm glad to see Dad following God whole-heartedly, I just wish I would see more of that from Mom and that crew.
I am still really upset that Nichole has been hurt by my family in such an exponential way. I wish I could make up for it in some way, but I know I really can't apologize for them. I wish I could take away the anxiety that is felt towards my family. I wish I could let her see all the good in my family, because deep down, I know it's there. BUT, I can't. The bad seems to outweigh the good in the situation. I can't believe my best friend can't stand to be around my family. I can't believe my family was so disrespectful today and on other occasions. I can't believe the guidebook that has been set for me.............
Nichole - I love you and I appreciate you. I hope you can hang in there with my crazy family. I told ya they would be quite the ride getting into this...lol. Thanks for all you've done and all you will do for me. Thanks for putting up with me in any and all moods. And thanks for being the bestie I always dreamed of having but never had until you. Always and forever.........345!
And now to the "fun" part??? After the graduation, I went and picked up my best friend Nichole from the house. THEN...We went out to the house that I grew up in, Mom's place, for a get-together with the family. Upon approaching the house, I could tell it was causing her anxiety. It had been a strife to get her to even come with me, but she came because she loves me "always and forever." ;) By the time we arrived, she was in an anxiety attack and had to take her xanax (anti-anxiety med) to calm her. This was not a good sign. When we entered the house, my brother made a rude comment that almost made her walk out right then and there!!! RIDICULOUS!!! No one even rebuked it though my mom was sitting right there. NOW, I already know that my mom does not like Nichole whatsoever, but she knew and approved permission for her to come. Furthermore, knowing that she was coming and her gluten-free-ness, mom had NOTHING that my best friend could eat...except watermelon. Of course, she didn't even ask if Nichole wanted anything to eat or drink. She showed absolutely no hospitality and it hurt me to see that. BUT, more than that...this isn't the first time........
I am completely and utterly accepted in every way in Nichole's family. I am accepted for who I am. Even my gluten-free-ness is fine with them. They are willing to cater to my needs and pay for my meals even at rather expensive restaurants. They are willing to do anything to make me feel at home. I can enter their house without knocking and I'm even getting a key soon!!!!!!!! How exciting!!! I am welcome to do just about anything at that house and I'm welcome at family gatherings. Invites are sent to their house hold with the intent that I'll just tag along. It's always a good time and I am never disrespected in any way.........
SOOOOOO....When my best friend is treated like crap by my family, it hurts. It hurts more than you would think. To hear that your best friend won't come to any family gathering or even your dance recital because she doesn't feel welcome with your family??? It sucks. It makes me feel like I've failed. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. It makes me feel like I have the worst family out there because they can't even accept a friend of mine. They can't accept her as part of the family and as a huge part of my life. Sure, we haven't grown up together, but, by golly, I know her well enough that we could have! I just wish that my family would see her and respect her as a human. I know her needs are hard to cater to if you aren't thrilled about doing it, but the least you can do is try to offer something that she can eat or ask beforehand. It makes me crazy that she is essentially out of that part of my life because it causes her so much anxiety. It makes me crazy that my family behaves as it does....especially my mother.
The Methodist Church in town has something on their sign out front that says: "A child's guidebook is a parent's life."
TELL ME how I'm supposed to live my life according to what my parents have done. At least my dad shows hospitality and accepts Nichole as a daughter. Sure, he is still struggling to provide for the gluten-free thing, but he accepts that as what she must do and he doesn't like how much I look up to her and the influence that she has on my life, but you can't tell me that it isn't normal for a father to do. He still loves her as his own. BUT, then I have a parent who shows no hospitality, no respect, no nothing! I have a parent that seems to run after whatever makes her happy without any acknowledgment of who is hurt along the way. It is worse than an animal!!! At least they care for their flock! Anyhow, I feel like my guidebook is contradictory to the Bible and the way that God would have me to live. I don't want to be like the family Nichole encountered today. I want to be like Christ in every way I can. I want to take after my dad's willingness to let another dear friend into the family and his hospitality that far surpasses anything my other family members would do. I feel lost if I follow the guidebook that my parents' lives have written because they are still being written and they are still learning. I'm glad to see Dad following God whole-heartedly, I just wish I would see more of that from Mom and that crew.
I am still really upset that Nichole has been hurt by my family in such an exponential way. I wish I could make up for it in some way, but I know I really can't apologize for them. I wish I could take away the anxiety that is felt towards my family. I wish I could let her see all the good in my family, because deep down, I know it's there. BUT, I can't. The bad seems to outweigh the good in the situation. I can't believe my best friend can't stand to be around my family. I can't believe my family was so disrespectful today and on other occasions. I can't believe the guidebook that has been set for me.............
Nichole - I love you and I appreciate you. I hope you can hang in there with my crazy family. I told ya they would be quite the ride getting into this...lol. Thanks for all you've done and all you will do for me. Thanks for putting up with me in any and all moods. And thanks for being the bestie I always dreamed of having but never had until you. Always and forever.........345!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Huzzah!
Today was BAD pain-wise. At one point in time, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Instead, I just sat in bed with my best friend and continued in my crabby-I'm-in-pain mood. Stress does NOT help the body adjust to the pain either. So, when my mother told me about my brother's kindergarten graduation last minute when I had already made plans for the evening, it not only made me mad and annoyed, but also increased the pain! Needless to say, I was not in a good mood at that point in time. Haha.
HOWEVER, a few things happened today that kept myself afloat amongst the pain and stress:
1. My picture taking extravaganza!
2. Getting cheesy hashbrowns...and a lot of em! 10 boxes, 50 cents a piece...when it should have been 10 for $10...not sure how that worked out! (Cute guy at the register??? Heehee.) AND...M&Ms provided by my best friend with a huge glass of milk! :)
3. A fantastic back-rub that relaxed me and worked out a lot of the pain in my hips. (Although, having fibro and getting a back-rub is sometimes quite painful considering that ya wanna go crazy every time a trigger/tender point is touched! BUT...Nichole was fantastic about it (knowing where the tender points were) and proceeded with extreme caution.)
Okay, so as I said...I had a picture taking extravaganza! I might have an obsession with bright, still photo shots. SO...Here's some of them from today, and one of my bro from the day we got to hang out! :-) ALSO...After my picture taking extravaganza around St. Cletus Catholic Church, I ended up finding "my place." I went and prayed the rosary there and found peace in ways that are unable to be spoken and yet conviction beyond comfort! I loved it! Such a pretty day and such a pretty place! Okay...pictures!
HOWEVER, a few things happened today that kept myself afloat amongst the pain and stress:
1. My picture taking extravaganza!
2. Getting cheesy hashbrowns...and a lot of em! 10 boxes, 50 cents a piece...when it should have been 10 for $10...not sure how that worked out! (Cute guy at the register??? Heehee.) AND...M&Ms provided by my best friend with a huge glass of milk! :)
3. A fantastic back-rub that relaxed me and worked out a lot of the pain in my hips. (Although, having fibro and getting a back-rub is sometimes quite painful considering that ya wanna go crazy every time a trigger/tender point is touched! BUT...Nichole was fantastic about it (knowing where the tender points were) and proceeded with extreme caution.)
Okay, so as I said...I had a picture taking extravaganza! I might have an obsession with bright, still photo shots. SO...Here's some of them from today, and one of my bro from the day we got to hang out! :-) ALSO...After my picture taking extravaganza around St. Cletus Catholic Church, I ended up finding "my place." I went and prayed the rosary there and found peace in ways that are unable to be spoken and yet conviction beyond comfort! I loved it! Such a pretty day and such a pretty place! Okay...pictures!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Home
As I sit in my new room, I wonder if I made the right choices. Did I make the right choice by leaving behind the last two years of my life and who I've become? Did I make the right choice by coming home to live with my dad? Did I make the right choice to leave Missouri State University behind in both my social life and academia? Did I make the right choice in coming home to be closer to my family (at least, those who will be staying in state)? Did I make the right choice to move closer to my doctors? Best friend? Did I make the right choice to leave behind, not only my church in Springfield, but also my entire Methodist background? Everything I once knew so well?
In some strange way, I feel calm about it all. Although I feel like I've become weaker in the unfamiliarity of it all, I feel strong in Christ. I feel capable of facing this new phase of life. I'm beginning to realize that I can be who I've worked to become the last two years. I am still learning who I am, but I haven't lost time...rather I've gained it! I know that I will be able to move through the transition because I have Christ with me always and the support of Nichole and a few members of my family. I can't say it will be easy though.
I've completely moved into this new house. A house that I can only call home for about another year. I am sharing a room every other weekend with my sister...something I haven't done in YEARS!!! It isn't quite the same as my good ol' room...but it looks like home thanks to Nichole's help this weekend! While home isn't here, it will certainly do.
On days like these, I'm reminded where my home truly is. Heaven. Now, I don't feel I'm headed there anytime soon, but it sure is where my body wants to be. I hurt badly today. I think tomorrow will be worse. But, I know that one day, there will be no pain. I know the days will get easier on Earth...at least from the moving fun! And I can't wait until I get there. So, I hope I never make myself too comfortable here on this Earth. I can't wait to sell my stuff and move to Africa! BUT, I want to enjoy my stay. As best as I can, I want to enjoy my life here on Earth! So, here's to choosing the next excursions of my stay on Earth, while I wait to make the easiest move...to home.
In some strange way, I feel calm about it all. Although I feel like I've become weaker in the unfamiliarity of it all, I feel strong in Christ. I feel capable of facing this new phase of life. I'm beginning to realize that I can be who I've worked to become the last two years. I am still learning who I am, but I haven't lost time...rather I've gained it! I know that I will be able to move through the transition because I have Christ with me always and the support of Nichole and a few members of my family. I can't say it will be easy though.
I've completely moved into this new house. A house that I can only call home for about another year. I am sharing a room every other weekend with my sister...something I haven't done in YEARS!!! It isn't quite the same as my good ol' room...but it looks like home thanks to Nichole's help this weekend! While home isn't here, it will certainly do.
On days like these, I'm reminded where my home truly is. Heaven. Now, I don't feel I'm headed there anytime soon, but it sure is where my body wants to be. I hurt badly today. I think tomorrow will be worse. But, I know that one day, there will be no pain. I know the days will get easier on Earth...at least from the moving fun! And I can't wait until I get there. So, I hope I never make myself too comfortable here on this Earth. I can't wait to sell my stuff and move to Africa! BUT, I want to enjoy my stay. As best as I can, I want to enjoy my life here on Earth! So, here's to choosing the next excursions of my stay on Earth, while I wait to make the easiest move...to home.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Justify
Since my decision to become a Catholic, I've fought many battles. Sure, it's been a battle in the last few days as I've announced my decision...But here's the thing:
I shouldn't have to justify myself!
I shouldn't have to make an announcement to everyone about what I'm doing with my life. I shouldn't have to give reasons why I believe what I do. I don't feel like that furthers the kingdom of God! I really don't know how else to say this.
For those of you who care, I'm writing my justification as best as I can and as fully as I feel comfortable putting out there for the world to see. So here it goes.
I was led to the Catholic Church by God. While my experiences in the Catholic Church weren't the greatest as a kid, I learned more and more as I spoke with friends, especially during my high school years. Two of my friends sat at "The Christian Rejects' Table." (That's the name I gave to our lunch table.) These people who sat regularly with me for lunch became some of my closest friends. Two of them were Catholic. I think the discussions and debates that we had were steps in the right direction for me. While I didn't win all of them and neither did they, I think we made huge leaps in establishing our own views of the Church and, most importantly, Christ. I even began respecting their belief system by not eating meat on Fridays during Lent as well as giving up something more as a sacrifice and not being rude towards their opinions, no matter how wrong I thought they were. I too would make the sign of the cross when we prayed with each other. It was normal for me to become tolerant and explore other faiths as a high school student. I must say that by having quite a few faiths present, the discussions were great: Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Pagan, and Assembly of God. And this was merely high school.
As I moved into college, I began to explore the various campus ministries. I went to Green Room, which is a Methodist ministry, for quite a while. I served on leadership and played in the worship band. Then, we revised the ministry. I was no longer on leadership. I began to explore again. I couldn't just sit around and only go to the worship service. I tried to lead a small group (aka - life group), but the groups were discontinued after a while. I must admit that I believe that discontinuing the groups was a bad decision as I look back. Meanwhile, I went to a few Christian ministries that don't group themselves with a particular church. I also tried CCM. CCM is the Catholic Campus Ministry on Missouri State University's campus. (Yes, that's the school where I've spent the last two years of my life.) I went to a noon mass with a friend named Katie. (Hopefully she doesn't mind!) She really was an awesome example of the Catholic faith and made me want to explore it. I researched it a bit. I also want to know what all the things were that I was saying, or supposed to say. Now, I'm happy to announce that I can successfully make it through a noon mass, knowing all the words!!! Katie really encouraged me to come again, but because I couldn't take communion, I had a hard time going, though I loved the formality with which they approached communion. I learned the whereabouts of what one is supposed to do and where one should go within the service. I loved it though. It was a break from all of the busyness of the school day.
As the semester broke and I was headed into my second year at MSU, I was called to cover my head. I did NOT want to cover my head, yet I reluctantly followed God's prodding. I must admit that I loved covering once I got past it all. But, as I was researching it, I kept finding all these Christian women who covered their head...however, they were Catholic. While they were not nuns, they still covered. There's another time that I've dug into Scripture, but also the tradition of the church. Of course, that was the Church - the Catholic Church. So, I began doing all sort of research on Catholicism and wondered if the change might be good...however, there were still some doctrine that I didn't quite agree with.
This year has been phenomenal in regards to my spiritual life. I never would have guessed that I would become angry at God. But I did. I never would have thought that my best friend would walk away from me and classify me in her heart as unforgivable, but then turn back four months later and forgive me. I never would have thought that I would EVER be diagnosed with a chronic illness. But I was. I never would have thought that I would cover my head for a semester, even as a Muslim woman might...but I did. I never would have guessed that I would begin the ministry process. But I did. I never would have guessed that I would END the ministry process, but I did. You know, there are just things in your life that affect your spirituality. My parents divorced and my health declined. I became angry at God. It was just how it played out. I think what is so hard for me to grasp is how I grew from it all. Even when I was angry at God I was still growing. Even when I was classified as unforgivable, I was still growing. Even when I looked like a Muslim woman, I was still growing. I've grown from what I was a year ago and I won't stop growing.
God is taking me places in my life that I've never explored before. I'm not becoming a Catholic merely because I believe what a Catholic believes. It is more. More than I feel comfortable telling. But I'll give you a bit.
When I was angry at God, my devotional life completely declined. I lost my discipline. I lost the desire to want to know God. I became someone who was merely going through the motions. I don't want to be like that. I want a church where I can be pushed to grow. I want the accountability of confession. I want to be able to show that reverence to my Savior that I've lost somewhere. I found that in the Catholic church. I want to go to mass with the intent to worship God. I don't want to go there to evaluate the sermon and decide what I've learned. I want to go there to worship. I don't want to go to have a social life. I want to go there to worship. I think what I love most is that I still have the opportunity to learn and socialize outside of the hour of mass. And now that I've researched Catholicism more than ever, I know the backing behind every disagreement I've had. I can see where the Church is coming from and I'm okay with it. But, like I said, becoming a Catholic is more than theology for me. If it were merely theology, I would forget about it. But it isn't. It is a life decision. I wasn't hasty in making it either. It took years as I've written. And it's been turning in my mind for months. And it's been on my heart for weeks. And it's been put there by God.
One day, I will go to Africa. And I will teach children how to read and write. I will teach them how to take care of themselves. But more than that, I will teach them the reverence of God that I've embraced. I will teach them how God holds out His arms for them to come running to them on good days and bad days. I will show them how to study God's Word. I will show them the One who can bring hope and comfort to their lives. I will go to Africa. It may be dangerous. It may be a crazy idea. BUT...I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to regret it later in life by following what others want. I want to live my life in the way I see fit to further the kingdom of God. I am an adult, so I should be able to do that. I'm grateful for all my parents have taught me thus far. And they will continue to teach me. But I hope that they and you can understand that I can't justify every life decision that I make. I can't make everyone happy. So, I'm focusing on one - God.
I want to be a Catholic. And I want to go to Africa. I don't want to have to justify everything to you, because I hope that eventually it will become normal for me to stray away from the Motions we get caught in...
I shouldn't have to justify myself!
I shouldn't have to make an announcement to everyone about what I'm doing with my life. I shouldn't have to give reasons why I believe what I do. I don't feel like that furthers the kingdom of God! I really don't know how else to say this.
For those of you who care, I'm writing my justification as best as I can and as fully as I feel comfortable putting out there for the world to see. So here it goes.
I was led to the Catholic Church by God. While my experiences in the Catholic Church weren't the greatest as a kid, I learned more and more as I spoke with friends, especially during my high school years. Two of my friends sat at "The Christian Rejects' Table." (That's the name I gave to our lunch table.) These people who sat regularly with me for lunch became some of my closest friends. Two of them were Catholic. I think the discussions and debates that we had were steps in the right direction for me. While I didn't win all of them and neither did they, I think we made huge leaps in establishing our own views of the Church and, most importantly, Christ. I even began respecting their belief system by not eating meat on Fridays during Lent as well as giving up something more as a sacrifice and not being rude towards their opinions, no matter how wrong I thought they were. I too would make the sign of the cross when we prayed with each other. It was normal for me to become tolerant and explore other faiths as a high school student. I must say that by having quite a few faiths present, the discussions were great: Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Pagan, and Assembly of God. And this was merely high school.
As I moved into college, I began to explore the various campus ministries. I went to Green Room, which is a Methodist ministry, for quite a while. I served on leadership and played in the worship band. Then, we revised the ministry. I was no longer on leadership. I began to explore again. I couldn't just sit around and only go to the worship service. I tried to lead a small group (aka - life group), but the groups were discontinued after a while. I must admit that I believe that discontinuing the groups was a bad decision as I look back. Meanwhile, I went to a few Christian ministries that don't group themselves with a particular church. I also tried CCM. CCM is the Catholic Campus Ministry on Missouri State University's campus. (Yes, that's the school where I've spent the last two years of my life.) I went to a noon mass with a friend named Katie. (Hopefully she doesn't mind!) She really was an awesome example of the Catholic faith and made me want to explore it. I researched it a bit. I also want to know what all the things were that I was saying, or supposed to say. Now, I'm happy to announce that I can successfully make it through a noon mass, knowing all the words!!! Katie really encouraged me to come again, but because I couldn't take communion, I had a hard time going, though I loved the formality with which they approached communion. I learned the whereabouts of what one is supposed to do and where one should go within the service. I loved it though. It was a break from all of the busyness of the school day.
As the semester broke and I was headed into my second year at MSU, I was called to cover my head. I did NOT want to cover my head, yet I reluctantly followed God's prodding. I must admit that I loved covering once I got past it all. But, as I was researching it, I kept finding all these Christian women who covered their head...however, they were Catholic. While they were not nuns, they still covered. There's another time that I've dug into Scripture, but also the tradition of the church. Of course, that was the Church - the Catholic Church. So, I began doing all sort of research on Catholicism and wondered if the change might be good...however, there were still some doctrine that I didn't quite agree with.
This year has been phenomenal in regards to my spiritual life. I never would have guessed that I would become angry at God. But I did. I never would have thought that my best friend would walk away from me and classify me in her heart as unforgivable, but then turn back four months later and forgive me. I never would have thought that I would EVER be diagnosed with a chronic illness. But I was. I never would have thought that I would cover my head for a semester, even as a Muslim woman might...but I did. I never would have guessed that I would begin the ministry process. But I did. I never would have guessed that I would END the ministry process, but I did. You know, there are just things in your life that affect your spirituality. My parents divorced and my health declined. I became angry at God. It was just how it played out. I think what is so hard for me to grasp is how I grew from it all. Even when I was angry at God I was still growing. Even when I was classified as unforgivable, I was still growing. Even when I looked like a Muslim woman, I was still growing. I've grown from what I was a year ago and I won't stop growing.
God is taking me places in my life that I've never explored before. I'm not becoming a Catholic merely because I believe what a Catholic believes. It is more. More than I feel comfortable telling. But I'll give you a bit.
When I was angry at God, my devotional life completely declined. I lost my discipline. I lost the desire to want to know God. I became someone who was merely going through the motions. I don't want to be like that. I want a church where I can be pushed to grow. I want the accountability of confession. I want to be able to show that reverence to my Savior that I've lost somewhere. I found that in the Catholic church. I want to go to mass with the intent to worship God. I don't want to go there to evaluate the sermon and decide what I've learned. I want to go there to worship. I don't want to go to have a social life. I want to go there to worship. I think what I love most is that I still have the opportunity to learn and socialize outside of the hour of mass. And now that I've researched Catholicism more than ever, I know the backing behind every disagreement I've had. I can see where the Church is coming from and I'm okay with it. But, like I said, becoming a Catholic is more than theology for me. If it were merely theology, I would forget about it. But it isn't. It is a life decision. I wasn't hasty in making it either. It took years as I've written. And it's been turning in my mind for months. And it's been on my heart for weeks. And it's been put there by God.
One day, I will go to Africa. And I will teach children how to read and write. I will teach them how to take care of themselves. But more than that, I will teach them the reverence of God that I've embraced. I will teach them how God holds out His arms for them to come running to them on good days and bad days. I will show them how to study God's Word. I will show them the One who can bring hope and comfort to their lives. I will go to Africa. It may be dangerous. It may be a crazy idea. BUT...I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to regret it later in life by following what others want. I want to live my life in the way I see fit to further the kingdom of God. I am an adult, so I should be able to do that. I'm grateful for all my parents have taught me thus far. And they will continue to teach me. But I hope that they and you can understand that I can't justify every life decision that I make. I can't make everyone happy. So, I'm focusing on one - God.
I want to be a Catholic. And I want to go to Africa. I don't want to have to justify everything to you, because I hope that eventually it will become normal for me to stray away from the Motions we get caught in...
Saturday, May 7, 2011
The Battle Within
Last night, before I posted a blog about it, I talked to my parents and grandma about becoming Catholic AND becoming a missionary. (Two hard pieces of news in one conversation!) I can't tell you how hard it was to open up to them what's been on my heart. I wasn't sure how exactly they would react, but I had a pretty good picture. It was hard to talk to people that had raised me in the church, even if they didn't always go or practice what was preached. But, now they know. I know that I have the support of my dad and grandma no matter what I do or where I go to church as long as I'm following Jesus. My mom has a lot of questions and concerns, most of which are understandable. All in all, it is up to me, though, in how I choose to live my life in Christ.
While I am not second-guessing myself, I do have a battle going on between my mind and my heart. My mind tells me that I'm leaving what I know best and that in itself is stupid. But my heart tells me that I'm following what God wants, even if it means leaving my comfort zone of Methodism. My mind tells me that my family (my mom, dad, sibs, grandma) will not be able to take communion at my church ever again and that saddens me. But my heart tells me that I understand the "closed table" and that one day I will have a family of my own who will be able to take communion with me. My mind tells me that this may create a struggle in my spiritual leading of my immediate family. But my heart tells me that I can't always be the leader and I must do what I feel is best for me. My mind was scared of the transition between the churches. But my heart is telling me to press on. So, there was this battle going on. Frankly, my mind was winning last night and it put me in a pretty ugly place where the stress was affecting my body. As I was telling my struggle to my best friend Nichole she was trying to calm the battle. While her arguments were incredibly good, it just didn't seem to be calming the anxiety the battle had created. I don't have any clue if she has any recollection of this, but she "out of the blue" said a prayer for me. It made me cry, and since I was laying down, I had tears running into my ears. I can't even remember a lot of what she said, but whatever it was...it was good! This sense of complete peace spread over my body. My heart stopped racing. My mind went still before the Throne.
The battle was won. My heart persevered. I knew I was following Christ's lead. It is as if He has His arm around my shoulder as we walk down this path that is very unfamiliar to me. But I can look into His eyes and see the glimmer of a smile. I am a bit excited for what lies ahead...Well, VERY excited!
Yes this battle was won, but the war will continue. But, my heart has restored hope and it isn't alone for it has Christ within. I just have to remember to go with who Christ wants me to be, rather than who the world is telling me to be. But for now...
My heart has won the battle within....
While I am not second-guessing myself, I do have a battle going on between my mind and my heart. My mind tells me that I'm leaving what I know best and that in itself is stupid. But my heart tells me that I'm following what God wants, even if it means leaving my comfort zone of Methodism. My mind tells me that my family (my mom, dad, sibs, grandma) will not be able to take communion at my church ever again and that saddens me. But my heart tells me that I understand the "closed table" and that one day I will have a family of my own who will be able to take communion with me. My mind tells me that this may create a struggle in my spiritual leading of my immediate family. But my heart tells me that I can't always be the leader and I must do what I feel is best for me. My mind was scared of the transition between the churches. But my heart is telling me to press on. So, there was this battle going on. Frankly, my mind was winning last night and it put me in a pretty ugly place where the stress was affecting my body. As I was telling my struggle to my best friend Nichole she was trying to calm the battle. While her arguments were incredibly good, it just didn't seem to be calming the anxiety the battle had created. I don't have any clue if she has any recollection of this, but she "out of the blue" said a prayer for me. It made me cry, and since I was laying down, I had tears running into my ears. I can't even remember a lot of what she said, but whatever it was...it was good! This sense of complete peace spread over my body. My heart stopped racing. My mind went still before the Throne.
The battle was won. My heart persevered. I knew I was following Christ's lead. It is as if He has His arm around my shoulder as we walk down this path that is very unfamiliar to me. But I can look into His eyes and see the glimmer of a smile. I am a bit excited for what lies ahead...Well, VERY excited!
Yes this battle was won, but the war will continue. But, my heart has restored hope and it isn't alone for it has Christ within. I just have to remember to go with who Christ wants me to be, rather than who the world is telling me to be. But for now...
My heart has won the battle within....
Friday, May 6, 2011
Maamuzi
I've made my decision. So, thanks to all those who have said a prayer for me. I really appreciate it.
Clearly, the name of this blog is not English. In fact, it is Swahili for "decisions." I've been making a lot of decisions lately. Not to be a pastor was a HUGE decision. However, I'm finding a lot of freedom in that and finding my way in life, including my Purpose. I'm finding that there are ways outside of the pulpit that I can lead people to Jesus. And honestly, they are pretty HUGE ways.
I've decided to become a missionary. I want to go to Africa with the Maryknoll Lay Missioners. It is a Catholic organization that takes care of EVERYTHING you can imagine to make sure as much work for Jesus gets done as possible! Hopefully, I will be able to teach English and spend time with the lil' ones in Kenya! It is also a three and a half year program, with four weeks of vacation, a stipend to cover living expenses, and MUCH more! Honestly, it is my DREAM program.
But by now you've noticed that it is a Catholic organization. Why am I looking at a Catholic organization? Because I am joining the Catholic church. I have really been praying about my life and its direction. After really feeling like God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, I felt led to the Catholic church. I have a friend who is a pretty strong Catholic. After going to Mass a few times, I just feel more at home in the Catholic church. I've discussed, pretty extensively, what the Catholics believe. I have done TONS of research about their doctrine and every single thing I've ever disagreed with, I don't disagree with anymore. I just feel like going to the Catholic church is the right thing for me. As for the concepts of not taking communion for the next while and going to confession, they make me sad and slightly uncomfortable respectively, but I will press on and get through it. Confession only makes me a little uncomfortable because it is so foreign to me. But, I'm sure I'll get used to it. I love the reality of it. SO, I hope I will have the support of everyone in making this transition. Believe me, I have NOT taken this decision lightly. Most of you reading this know that I was born and raised United Methodist and have rarely strayed from that path. But, take comfort in that I fully believe that I'm a Christian believing that Jesus came to earth to die on a cross to save me. I am just going to follow where God leads me. It is a plus that there are MANY programs out there for missionaries in the Catholic church.
These are the decisions, or maamuzi, that I've been praying about and settling. I am open to discussion, but not debate. Thanks for your cooperation on that! Anyway, that's what's going on!!! Happy Dead Day!
Clearly, the name of this blog is not English. In fact, it is Swahili for "decisions." I've been making a lot of decisions lately. Not to be a pastor was a HUGE decision. However, I'm finding a lot of freedom in that and finding my way in life, including my Purpose. I'm finding that there are ways outside of the pulpit that I can lead people to Jesus. And honestly, they are pretty HUGE ways.
I've decided to become a missionary. I want to go to Africa with the Maryknoll Lay Missioners. It is a Catholic organization that takes care of EVERYTHING you can imagine to make sure as much work for Jesus gets done as possible! Hopefully, I will be able to teach English and spend time with the lil' ones in Kenya! It is also a three and a half year program, with four weeks of vacation, a stipend to cover living expenses, and MUCH more! Honestly, it is my DREAM program.
But by now you've noticed that it is a Catholic organization. Why am I looking at a Catholic organization? Because I am joining the Catholic church. I have really been praying about my life and its direction. After really feeling like God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, I felt led to the Catholic church. I have a friend who is a pretty strong Catholic. After going to Mass a few times, I just feel more at home in the Catholic church. I've discussed, pretty extensively, what the Catholics believe. I have done TONS of research about their doctrine and every single thing I've ever disagreed with, I don't disagree with anymore. I just feel like going to the Catholic church is the right thing for me. As for the concepts of not taking communion for the next while and going to confession, they make me sad and slightly uncomfortable respectively, but I will press on and get through it. Confession only makes me a little uncomfortable because it is so foreign to me. But, I'm sure I'll get used to it. I love the reality of it. SO, I hope I will have the support of everyone in making this transition. Believe me, I have NOT taken this decision lightly. Most of you reading this know that I was born and raised United Methodist and have rarely strayed from that path. But, take comfort in that I fully believe that I'm a Christian believing that Jesus came to earth to die on a cross to save me. I am just going to follow where God leads me. It is a plus that there are MANY programs out there for missionaries in the Catholic church.
These are the decisions, or maamuzi, that I've been praying about and settling. I am open to discussion, but not debate. Thanks for your cooperation on that! Anyway, that's what's going on!!! Happy Dead Day!
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| My rosary. :) |
Dead Day Drama
Last night was.......interesting. My best friend talked to her mother about her depression. But, as much as I love her mom, she did the exact same thing my mom did. She brought up every single thing that I should be depressed about. That's definitely something one should NOT do when their child comes to you and tells you that she is suicidal or feeling depressed. It just isn't cool whatsoever! It makes the child feel worse as moments from her past is brought up or even current situations that she still has to deal with! I know moms have the best interest in mind for their child and that they are merely worried for the child, but it just makes dealing with the depression that much worse when you don't have an appointment with the psychaitrist as SOON as you get done with mom's list of depressing things. SO...if you know someone who is depressed or dealing with some tough issues, try not to bring up every single thing that they should be depressed about...especially not all in one night! ANYHOW...(*steps off soapbox*)
Today has already been fun. I got up SUPER early this morning after going to bed SUPER late to go with Nichole to work. It was nice having someone to talk to, even if it was 5am! Afterward, I "stole" her car. I'll pick her up later to go to her doctor appointment and lunch. I must admit, it was a bit scary driving her car for the first time, but now I know how it handles so it isn't so scary.
The plan for today: study, study, study. Pick up Nichole. Her doc appointment. Lunch. Cake. Study. Play with bunnies. Study. Study.
Yes, welcome to the dead day drama......of finals approaching!
Today has already been fun. I got up SUPER early this morning after going to bed SUPER late to go with Nichole to work. It was nice having someone to talk to, even if it was 5am! Afterward, I "stole" her car. I'll pick her up later to go to her doctor appointment and lunch. I must admit, it was a bit scary driving her car for the first time, but now I know how it handles so it isn't so scary.
The plan for today: study, study, study. Pick up Nichole. Her doc appointment. Lunch. Cake. Study. Play with bunnies. Study. Study.
Yes, welcome to the dead day drama......of finals approaching!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Purpose
A while back, I went to the Cooperative School of Christian Mission that is held by the United Methodist Women. We did a study on Sudan and the struggles and tyranny that is affecting the land and the people. My heart sank. It was as if I allowed the news to actually seem real. I learned that people really were dealing with all the issues on a day-to-day basis. AIDS was something more than what I read about for a sentence in a world history book. It was real. And it was taking lives. Water really was something to be feared. Who knew whether the water you drank would be clean or if it would take your health? Children were killed or were deemed the caretakers of the family. They didn't get the privilege of being innocent children. (No matter how fast I grew up and became the mini-mom, I at least had my childhood innocence for a time.)
I just have this overwhelming feeling that I am sitting here in America in a bed I call my own in complete safety compared to what these people are dealing with every single day. I don't know if I can help. I don't know what exactly I can do. But, I want to meet these people face to face. I want to speak, in their language, the words of the Gospel that can bring peace to their lives amidst the war. I want to bring them more than the physical help. I know that they need healing and clean water. I want to care for children and allow them to play games. I want to learn their way of life. I want to learn their perseverance.
So, Sudan is the country on my heart. I have friends in Kenya. The child I sponsor through World Vision is from Kenya. I do hope to go there. I know there is struggle throughout much of that area of Africa. You know, I look at pictures of Africa and I see two extremes...I see pictures of the animals running in the tall grass with the awesome looking trees and I see children dying of starvation with skin hardly hanging onto their bones. It breaks my heart.
I don't care when I go. I want to go. It is a dream I won't lose. Yes, there are places I could go and tour. I want to go to Israel some day to see where Jesus walked and where He died for me. I want to go to Europe and see all the beautiful cathedrals. I want to see Rome and the Vatican City. But all that takes second place to the people of Africa.
While I was talking to Nichole last night about my longing to run away to Africa, she told me that I could run away there because I wouldn't come back. Now, I know there is always that fear of something going wrong. But she was actually referring to me going down there and staying there. Like, on a forever basis. It was kind of stunning. I was only talking about going down there for a summer or a semester. Not for the rest of my life. So, I asked her why she thought that I wouldn't come back. She said that it would be because I would find my purpose there. Of course, I had to ask her what my purpose is. She responded very simply, "To help people." Then, there was silence.
Nichole nailed it. (Of course, she has the knowledge of a best friend, so she knows me very well.) Everything that I've been working to incorporate into my life revolves around this purpose. When I can't do this purpose, that's when I get depressed. When I can't fix something or make something all better, it gets me down. It's the reason I loved being a part of leadership teams. I felt like that "position" could help people by the decisions I make. It's the natural leader in me too. I wanted so badly to fix my parents' marriage because I saw people hurting. I care about people who aren't feeling well, and while I don't have the power to heal them, I love being able to nurture them. And perhaps that is the mini-mom in me too. Everything I do, I try to help people.
So, I think my wanting to run away to Africa is to help people. And perhaps Nichole knew that I'm feeling exhausted and defeated here in America. It seems like everywhere around me, there are people I can't help. But, somehow I know that there are more people who are hurting that I can help. I just haven't been in a place to see them before now. Though, don't get me wrong...I still want to go to Africa. I just know that I still have purpose.
Amidst all that's been said about what this purpose is, I think Nichole and I both know the best way to help people. Sure, I can build a well that gives clean water and I can administer vaccines to people to prevent STDs. I can play with children and let them know that they are loved and I can hand out food to those who have nothing. I can do that here and there. But, the absolute best thing that I have to offer is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The best thing I can do is let them know that, yes, I love them, but Someone greater than I loves them more than anyone will ever comprehend. I can't give them peace that lasts without connecting it to Jesus. So, the Great Commission is my purpose. And my life verse(s) is what I give.
"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:29-31 (NIV)
Monday, May 2, 2011
Worthless
I suppose that's kind of how I felt today. Worthless. Where one's own mother "was getting to it." You know, the part where she tells me that, not only does she intend on moving, but she also intends on taking my siblings eight hours away to Alabama. I'm not gonna lie. I'm crushed. I hate the news, but even more than that, I hate that she was getting around to telling me when she has been avoiding my texts the last few days. Granted, the last conversation that we had was not fantastic because it ended with her being incredibly upset with me. But, at least the decency of a text would have been nice when they were deciding where they were going to spend the rest of their lives. (Mom and her fiancee.) I just hate that I don't have a good relationship with my mom. Perhaps I'm crazy for wanting one, but for me, it's one thing I've never really had but always wanted.
Mom and her fiancee plan on getting married in July. Not exactly how quickly I want it all to happen. Move at the end of June. Marriage in July. Too quick. I have barely gotten over the fact that my parents are officially divorced as of February of 2011. Anyway...it just makes me crazy.
Being closer to my siblings was my NUMBER ONE reason for transferring. I hated missing my sister's band concerts and my little brother's christmas program. I hated missing my little brother's first year of school and my sister's life in junior high. I miss hanging out with them. Of course, there is the older younger brother who is headed off to college next year! YAY for growing up! But, it just saddens me that I have jumped through hoops to get to the point where everything is set, and then my family, essentially, leaves me. :'( No fun. Sure, I'm still going to transfer...because I do need to be closer to my doctors and my best friend. But, I'm sad that my life was essentially ignored because "it really doesn't affect you [me] that much."
That's all I have for now. My fibro is being dumb tonight so my hands keep going all tingly and hurting. Bah. I have a headache from crying earlier. Bah. And my body hates the stress that this news puts on it. Not only does the news make me feel worthless. But, so does my body. I am worthless.
Mom and her fiancee plan on getting married in July. Not exactly how quickly I want it all to happen. Move at the end of June. Marriage in July. Too quick. I have barely gotten over the fact that my parents are officially divorced as of February of 2011. Anyway...it just makes me crazy.
Being closer to my siblings was my NUMBER ONE reason for transferring. I hated missing my sister's band concerts and my little brother's christmas program. I hated missing my little brother's first year of school and my sister's life in junior high. I miss hanging out with them. Of course, there is the older younger brother who is headed off to college next year! YAY for growing up! But, it just saddens me that I have jumped through hoops to get to the point where everything is set, and then my family, essentially, leaves me. :'( No fun. Sure, I'm still going to transfer...because I do need to be closer to my doctors and my best friend. But, I'm sad that my life was essentially ignored because "it really doesn't affect you [me] that much."
That's all I have for now. My fibro is being dumb tonight so my hands keep going all tingly and hurting. Bah. I have a headache from crying earlier. Bah. And my body hates the stress that this news puts on it. Not only does the news make me feel worthless. But, so does my body. I am worthless.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Believe
Can't sleep. It's nights like these that I start to wonder about life. It's nights like these that make me think. What else is there to do when one is in pain? When everything has taken its toll on your heart with how much you're missing in this world...
I did some research tonight. I researched somethings I really didn't want to research, but felt like I should do so. I researched psychological disorders. Some comfort came by it, but also a lot of distress. I know I'm not seen as bipolar or schizophrenic, and I've already been diagnosed with depression...So it made me go further. I wanted to look up what a hypochondriac was. The character in my story "No Blood" was called a hypochondriac in the workshop of my story...so I looked up the medical definition.
Honestly, it wasn't very promising for the character or myself. It really made me think about who I was and what I'm going through. It made me think of how others must see me. Of course, there are no real tests for something like this. And then there is the whole thing about searching for doctors who will validate that the pain is real and all sorts of stuff like that of no treatments working and the signs aren't there of the diseases, etc.
However, fibromyalgia has no real tests that can be run. Sure, there is the trigger points test (which sucks btw). AND...I searched for a doctor who would be able to see more than the depression. And as for thinking the pain is real? I know it is. I know hypos think it's real too and can feel real pain....so if that's the case, treatments wouldn't really work on hypos because a lot of it is psychological, but I see improvement from the meds I'm on. Just not enough to alleviate the pain completely, especially not on bad days.
So, perhaps I'm crazy and "gave this" to myself. But, I don't think so. Just got me thinking that perhaps others feel like I'm a hypochondriac. My pain is real. I don't know what caused it. I just feel like no one believes me. Even my own family, for goodness sake, doesn't seem like they believe me. I just feel very alone in this battle and it's starting to wear me out the more I have to keep fighting for my own sanity among friends and family!
If my life is worth anything to you, I hope that you'll stop the unbelief. Believe that I'm more than a psychotic druggie. Believe that I'm telling the truth of my pain. Believe that I'm not making it up. Whether I "gave it to myself" or not, the pain is still real. And I still need help to alleviate the pain. But I can't do that right now because I'm scared to be told I'm psychotic. I'm scared that people won't believe me. So, I'm going to start small...Even if my family believes, that's good enough...for now.
Thanks for reading.
I did some research tonight. I researched somethings I really didn't want to research, but felt like I should do so. I researched psychological disorders. Some comfort came by it, but also a lot of distress. I know I'm not seen as bipolar or schizophrenic, and I've already been diagnosed with depression...So it made me go further. I wanted to look up what a hypochondriac was. The character in my story "No Blood" was called a hypochondriac in the workshop of my story...so I looked up the medical definition.
Honestly, it wasn't very promising for the character or myself. It really made me think about who I was and what I'm going through. It made me think of how others must see me. Of course, there are no real tests for something like this. And then there is the whole thing about searching for doctors who will validate that the pain is real and all sorts of stuff like that of no treatments working and the signs aren't there of the diseases, etc.
However, fibromyalgia has no real tests that can be run. Sure, there is the trigger points test (which sucks btw). AND...I searched for a doctor who would be able to see more than the depression. And as for thinking the pain is real? I know it is. I know hypos think it's real too and can feel real pain....so if that's the case, treatments wouldn't really work on hypos because a lot of it is psychological, but I see improvement from the meds I'm on. Just not enough to alleviate the pain completely, especially not on bad days.
So, perhaps I'm crazy and "gave this" to myself. But, I don't think so. Just got me thinking that perhaps others feel like I'm a hypochondriac. My pain is real. I don't know what caused it. I just feel like no one believes me. Even my own family, for goodness sake, doesn't seem like they believe me. I just feel very alone in this battle and it's starting to wear me out the more I have to keep fighting for my own sanity among friends and family!
If my life is worth anything to you, I hope that you'll stop the unbelief. Believe that I'm more than a psychotic druggie. Believe that I'm telling the truth of my pain. Believe that I'm not making it up. Whether I "gave it to myself" or not, the pain is still real. And I still need help to alleviate the pain. But I can't do that right now because I'm scared to be told I'm psychotic. I'm scared that people won't believe me. So, I'm going to start small...Even if my family believes, that's good enough...for now.
Thanks for reading.
So much more...
Today was an absolutely horrible day...pain wise. I couldn't do anything for most of it but lay in bed. Every 45 minutes or so, I would have to get out of bed to reset the internet, but that was all I could do. I could hardly text and pushing the buttons on my heating pad became something to dread. FINALLY, about mid-afternoon, I started to crochet which was painful, but I enjoy it too much to abandon it. Plus, making a blanket is one of the things I will aim to do before I die. SO...I started today by making a pattern and getting approximately 5% of it done. YAY! :)
Because my PCP and rheumy do not feel like dealing with my pain, I called a couple pain management specialists today. I have an appointment on May 18th with one, however I'm afraid that all he is going to want to do is try injections. I don't feel like injections would help someone with my condition of fibromyalgia. Injections seem to do well for people with pain in one or two areas, not body wide pain. So, as much as I do not want to be on narcotics, I want relief from this pain. I need something for the really bad days like these that make me want to skip class and do nothing, talk to no one, and lay in bed bored and in pain. Gotta say, that's not the life I want to live. I don't want my biggest dread to be getting out of bed in the morning or to make dinner. That's not what I want for my life. So anyone that tells me that I just need to get over it and deal with the pain is a dumb-ass. (Excuse my language.) I am tired of this every day pain. I'm tired of this life that I've lived for the past months. No, it hasn't been years like others, but still. It isn't fair. You wouldn't want this life, and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. Even if I had an enemy to wish this upon, I never would do so.
Anyhow, I called another clinic and they do pain management programs, so there is paperwork to fill out and send in. After they review it, they will let me know if I'm accepted into the program. They are willing to do narcotics. So, yeah. I guess we will see how it goes and if I hear from them before May 18th. I'm just tired of being sick in a way that people can't see. I took my heating pad to my night class last night. It worked pretty well for allowing me to be there and half-way decently alive. But I can't tell you how belittled I feel these days. I did get to educate a few people on fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain, which is always exciting for me. The more awareness there is the better life will be.
I can't help but dreaming of all the things I wish I could do. The things I've done in the past that I want to do now and the things that I've always wanted to do. Sure, I'm a poor college student. And my parents weren't that smart with their finances. I can barely make it through school. But there is so much out there in this world that I wish I could do right now.
I want to be able to dance again. I want to have the energy to run and rehabilitate my knees (no matter what RA could be doing to my body). I want to be able to travel. To see the world for what it is, rather than the pictures in geography books. I want to be able to play the flute for hours until that two-measure passage is perfect. I want to be able to cook anything I want, whenever I want. I want to make a difference in this world.
I'm not being unrealistic. I'm not shooting for the moon (though that's possible these days). I'm just dreaming like any other person on this earth. I just wish I could make it happen. I wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish others with chronic pain didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish we didn't have such a hard life with our loved ones. I wish "outsiders" understood. I wish they could grasp exactly what they are saying. I know I wasn't perfect before fibro affected my life, but I tried so hard to understand. I researched so many conditions as soon as friends mentioned the possibility of them affecting their lives. I learned the symptoms and the treatments. I cared as much as I could. I wasn't perfect, but my friends, one in particular, saw my attempt and was grateful. I just wish more people tried, rather than being so ignorant. I wish that people could see the pain I'm feeling...not necessarily experience it, but to see what I'm dealing with every single day of my life.
Anyhow, my hands are crying out for me to stop typing, so I'm going to have to end this. But, I just wanted to give an update on life. This life sucks. The life I want isn't the life I have. There's no "Just deal with it" answer to this pain. It's so much more than what can be seen on the outside. So much more...
Because my PCP and rheumy do not feel like dealing with my pain, I called a couple pain management specialists today. I have an appointment on May 18th with one, however I'm afraid that all he is going to want to do is try injections. I don't feel like injections would help someone with my condition of fibromyalgia. Injections seem to do well for people with pain in one or two areas, not body wide pain. So, as much as I do not want to be on narcotics, I want relief from this pain. I need something for the really bad days like these that make me want to skip class and do nothing, talk to no one, and lay in bed bored and in pain. Gotta say, that's not the life I want to live. I don't want my biggest dread to be getting out of bed in the morning or to make dinner. That's not what I want for my life. So anyone that tells me that I just need to get over it and deal with the pain is a dumb-ass. (Excuse my language.) I am tired of this every day pain. I'm tired of this life that I've lived for the past months. No, it hasn't been years like others, but still. It isn't fair. You wouldn't want this life, and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. Even if I had an enemy to wish this upon, I never would do so.
Anyhow, I called another clinic and they do pain management programs, so there is paperwork to fill out and send in. After they review it, they will let me know if I'm accepted into the program. They are willing to do narcotics. So, yeah. I guess we will see how it goes and if I hear from them before May 18th. I'm just tired of being sick in a way that people can't see. I took my heating pad to my night class last night. It worked pretty well for allowing me to be there and half-way decently alive. But I can't tell you how belittled I feel these days. I did get to educate a few people on fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain, which is always exciting for me. The more awareness there is the better life will be.
I can't help but dreaming of all the things I wish I could do. The things I've done in the past that I want to do now and the things that I've always wanted to do. Sure, I'm a poor college student. And my parents weren't that smart with their finances. I can barely make it through school. But there is so much out there in this world that I wish I could do right now.
I want to be able to dance again. I want to have the energy to run and rehabilitate my knees (no matter what RA could be doing to my body). I want to be able to travel. To see the world for what it is, rather than the pictures in geography books. I want to be able to play the flute for hours until that two-measure passage is perfect. I want to be able to cook anything I want, whenever I want. I want to make a difference in this world.
I'm not being unrealistic. I'm not shooting for the moon (though that's possible these days). I'm just dreaming like any other person on this earth. I just wish I could make it happen. I wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish others with chronic pain didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish we didn't have such a hard life with our loved ones. I wish "outsiders" understood. I wish they could grasp exactly what they are saying. I know I wasn't perfect before fibro affected my life, but I tried so hard to understand. I researched so many conditions as soon as friends mentioned the possibility of them affecting their lives. I learned the symptoms and the treatments. I cared as much as I could. I wasn't perfect, but my friends, one in particular, saw my attempt and was grateful. I just wish more people tried, rather than being so ignorant. I wish that people could see the pain I'm feeling...not necessarily experience it, but to see what I'm dealing with every single day of my life.
Anyhow, my hands are crying out for me to stop typing, so I'm going to have to end this. But, I just wanted to give an update on life. This life sucks. The life I want isn't the life I have. There's no "Just deal with it" answer to this pain. It's so much more than what can be seen on the outside. So much more...
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter Tears
Today was an interesting day. It started out with me arising to declare that I honestly didn't think I could make it to the Sunrise Easter Service. I sat in bed, practically heart-broken, trying to decide if I could handle missing it. (I know it sounds ridiculous, but I REALLY wanted to go. It's kind of what I do on Easter.) I ended up going. The music filled the church as the choir took us through the passion and the resurrection of Christ. It was wonderful, and I was so happy that I went. :)
Less than two hours later, I headed over to the United Methodist church in town (my usual). In between, I dealt with stubborn parents. Neither of them were going to go to church, and that was upsetting myself and my sister. It's annoying that they can't even make peace enough to go worship Jesus, ESPECIALLY on Easter when the church is full anyway! My sister, Morgan, got my mom to come, without her fiancee due to a lack of "Sunday's best" clothing. But at least she was there. Late. But there. During the first hymn, Christ the Lord is Risen Today, my mom rushed out of the Sanctuary in tears! About half-way through the hymn, I feel Grandma nudging me in the choir. I look back and she is completely in TEARS! She wants to know if she should go after her. Without much hesitation, I said yes. She as well as my sister went after mom. A while later, a LONG while later, they came back into the service. I could hardly keep from looking at my family members who were trying to recover from a LOT of crying. (And they tried to cover it up with a sneezing-fit???)
After trying to keep my mask from coming unpeeled, we were lucky. A sit down hymn. So, I didn't have to worry about looking down at the congregation at mom's teary-eyed face because of the lilies along the altar rail. Unfortunately, it was a good hymn. A hymn that Grandma usually cries during. Not to mention the words. It's a Gaither hymn...which we love. It's called Because He Lives. I do want to share some of the words with you, because as I was facing this holiday and everything that is going on in my life I was more than moved by the words.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future,
and life is worth the living, just because He lives.
Anyhow, I was balling by the end and therefore was singing in this raspy voice next to my grandma who was crying every single speck of her water-proof make-up off her face with her hands lifted. It was almost a blessing to be half-way decently covered from the congregation by the lilies! :) It was quite an adventurous morning!
More than that, I had to deal with family afterward, which wasn't too bad...but it was different. It was a holiday with my parents divorced...And my mother's fiancee's presence too. Anyhow, I'm tired of typing. Perhaps I'll attach a few pictures for you all from this morning's festivities, and even a couple of this afternoon's. :)
Less than two hours later, I headed over to the United Methodist church in town (my usual). In between, I dealt with stubborn parents. Neither of them were going to go to church, and that was upsetting myself and my sister. It's annoying that they can't even make peace enough to go worship Jesus, ESPECIALLY on Easter when the church is full anyway! My sister, Morgan, got my mom to come, without her fiancee due to a lack of "Sunday's best" clothing. But at least she was there. Late. But there. During the first hymn, Christ the Lord is Risen Today, my mom rushed out of the Sanctuary in tears! About half-way through the hymn, I feel Grandma nudging me in the choir. I look back and she is completely in TEARS! She wants to know if she should go after her. Without much hesitation, I said yes. She as well as my sister went after mom. A while later, a LONG while later, they came back into the service. I could hardly keep from looking at my family members who were trying to recover from a LOT of crying. (And they tried to cover it up with a sneezing-fit???)
After trying to keep my mask from coming unpeeled, we were lucky. A sit down hymn. So, I didn't have to worry about looking down at the congregation at mom's teary-eyed face because of the lilies along the altar rail. Unfortunately, it was a good hymn. A hymn that Grandma usually cries during. Not to mention the words. It's a Gaither hymn...which we love. It's called Because He Lives. I do want to share some of the words with you, because as I was facing this holiday and everything that is going on in my life I was more than moved by the words.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future,
and life is worth the living, just because He lives.
Anyhow, I was balling by the end and therefore was singing in this raspy voice next to my grandma who was crying every single speck of her water-proof make-up off her face with her hands lifted. It was almost a blessing to be half-way decently covered from the congregation by the lilies! :) It was quite an adventurous morning!
More than that, I had to deal with family afterward, which wasn't too bad...but it was different. It was a holiday with my parents divorced...And my mother's fiancee's presence too. Anyhow, I'm tired of typing. Perhaps I'll attach a few pictures for you all from this morning's festivities, and even a couple of this afternoon's. :)
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| Conquering the Easter egg hunt. |
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| "What's inside???" |
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| Tricky hide! |
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| That one was easy!!! |
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| All the baskets! |
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| "That doesn't look like a banana!" |
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| Reading the letter from the Easter Bunny! |
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| The total loot! |
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| Leap Frog!!! |
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| These are my favorite color!!!! Mini yo-yo and a bunny! |
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| Sammie spent a LOT of time building this for me. I'm excited! |
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| Mom and her fiancee, Mike. |
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| Grandma finally got a plate of food!!! |
Hop, Hop at 1am!
Being the mini-mom that I am, I had a few things to take care of tonight, before I nestled into bed after a long HARD day. While I didn't spend a fortune making Easter happen, it works and the kiddos will be happy with it. Though, there is a WHOLE lot of stinkin' chocolate that has been distributed amongst the baskets! Hoping that I am alive to see morning for the sunrise Easter service! So, here's some pics from tonight's handy-work!
Alright! That's all the pics I'm posting tonight! I'm exhausted and I have to be up soon, as in 4 hours from now! So, I do hope that you all have a blessed Easter! May you remember that it's more than bunnies and Easter eggs...It's about Christ's love for us to, not only die a HORRIBLE death on the cross for us, but also to conquer death itself so that we can live eternally with our God!!! Jesus is RISEN! ALLELUIA!
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| The baskets!!! With the crocheted bunnies by my sister, Nichole! |
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| The Easter Bunny's note, mess, and Noah's Ark eggs! |
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| The impressive hide of the year! |
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| My tired, yet always posing, Helper! |
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