Xenophobic Future

Xenophobia is the "fear of the foreign, especially strangers, or that which is foreign or strange."  So I'm predicting my future to be xenophobic.  I have no idea what lies ahead.  After quitting school, I realized how much relief it put on my body, but the stress it caused in realizing what I wanted to do with my life.  Some of you may think that I am still meant to be a United Methodist pastor, and while that may be the case, things would have to change in the church before I could take those steps.  They don't accept just everyone of sexual orientation to preach the Word of God and love people.  SO, there is that.  I'm not going to stop being who I am for a rule.  Some of you may think that I should have been a music teacher....WRONG!!!  Couldn't stand my hobby being a career!  And some of you may think that I should be an editor, English teacher, going to Africa, etc.  Only one of those will still happen - I will still go to Africa one day, because I WANT TO!  Everything is very foreign to me because I didn't plan all of this from the start.  My job is holding on by threads because of the limited hours they have to offer and I NEED more hours.  ANYWAY, I want to go back to school, but I want to go to a trade school - Massage Therapy School.  And I need a job closer to home.  I know that I can do it.  SO, I'll be applying soon and hoping for financial aid.  But, I also want my parents to stop claiming me as a dependent on their taxes.  Besides that, not much is going on since we have no money to do anything that we want to do.  I'm not as happy as I was initially, but I think that is just because of the stress that is on right now since Nichole was dumped on as sole provider for me.  ALTHOUGH, Dad does help out quite a bit with the rent, phone bill, and my car insurance.

That's all I wanted to rant about for now.  Hope you didn't mind!

Trapped & Turmoil

I feel trapped.

No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it.  And no.  Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is.  I could end the relationship if I wanted to.  And no.  I don't want to end the relationship.

Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.

No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen.  Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls.  SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea.  And that brings me to why I feel trapped.

Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions.  Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act.  Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will.  And I'm done listening to them.  My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo.  I'm trapped.  I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.

For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry.  For once I'm starting to live my life and love it.  I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be.  When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect.  It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke.  It is very real.  And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not.  I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love!  We want your support and your love.

With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live.  Recently, quite a few changes have taken place.  I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church.  I have changed my major umpteen million times.  I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa.  I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic.  Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered.  But all through it, I've begun to find myself.  I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me.  I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me.  It doesn't work that way.  You get to live your life, please let me live mine.  You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do.  But, I'm happy where I am at.  I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me.  It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.

In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture.  A society that is so set in stone is dangerous.  I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves.  This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV).  It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.

So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams.  It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all.  Thanks.  And respectfully comment if you so choose.

Family

It's been a while since I posted, so I figured I would today!  First and foremost, happy independence day!  Welcome to mid-summer!  Hope you all are staying cool and DRY?!  It looks like it will be an okay night for fireworks, considering it was pouring all afternoon/evening yesterday!!!  So that's exciting!  I heard rumor that we were shooting off our own fireworks tonight at Nichole's place.  I haven't done that in YEARS, so while I'm not lighting them, I want to make sure to give others a hard time about it.  Just kidding!!!  (Kind of...lol.)

Since it is July, the Kelly family is gearing up to go OUT OF THE COUNTRY?!?!?!  I take them to the airport on Friday afternoon for them to leave for their Baltic Cruise.  I am terribly jealous, because I know they are going to have a PHENOMENAL TIME!!!!!!!  Plus, I've never been out of the country, nor on a cruise ship, and they get to do both!  So, that's really exciting for Nichole and her family.  It'll be exciting to hear all of their stories when they return.  As they gear up to go cruisin', I am learning all I can about taking care of their pets.  They have two dogs (easy!!!), two bunnies (which are ADORABLE), and two birds (which seem easy, but still are a bit scary).  Today, I got out the bunnies to love on them a while while Nichole was at work.  They are so cute and totally worth the coated clothes!!!  Okay, legitimately, my clothes are COVERED in bunny fur.  I changed completely afterwards.  As I'm getting to know the bunnies and being able to get them out by myself, I'm feeling more comfortable with taking care of them.  I don't want their animals to be cooped up in a cage for two weeks, so being able to get them out and back in without any huge obstacles is comforting!!!  And while Ashes likes to cuddle, Emily is active and fun to play with.  She is slowly growing on me!  :)  As for the birds, I'm learning.  They are seeming easier to handle than what I first imagined.  Ruby, the African Grey, doesn't really care for me, but I'm learning tricks for how to deal with her. I learned how to feed Freckles, the cockatiel, last night.  He isn't too bad, and while he enjoys flying, he was hurt last week in a flying adventure so in recovering for that, he is not flying much.  His wings were clipped.  So, while he may not like me very much, at least I don't have to chase him around too much! Haha.  The dogs, Bailey and Clyde, are easy to take care of.  They like their food wet, which is gross, but whatever?!  Lol.  They are the most laid back, well-behaved dogs I have EVER encountered!!!  They listen to me better than my own dog, Jax, listens to me!!!  So, needless to say, I'm learning how to take care of their most precious family additions.  

I'm much better today than I was yesterday.  I really don't like this new med that I started last week.  It makes me extremely tired and groggy.  I sleep 10+ hours a night, which I really can't afford to get into the habit of.  No issue of insomnia there!!!  My body hurts still, but what's new?!  I am doing better in the long run, but I still seem to be in more pain than I should be in.  After a talk with my best friend last night, I think it would probably be best to try a different course in meds or something!  The physical therapy is helping, but outside of the sessions, I'm not doing the greatest at keeping up with it.  The exercises are not as simple as they seem and I fear I am doing them wrong when I do them.  BUT, it is nice to walk out of a PT session with pain levels as low as 1!  Hopefully, my rheumatologist can figure out why my rheumatoid factor is high and why I still have tons of joint pain even though I'm on a medicine used to treat rheumatoid arthritis.  I should see some sort of difference two months into the med, right???  Anyway, I think as my life gets put back in order and I catch up on my finances, the lowered stress will be able to lower my pain levels a bit too.  Perhaps not to a zero, but at least some.  

Okay, I'm getting bored of talking about my health, so on to something else?!

Oh, I was able to visit some family from England yesterday.  That was fun!  Exhausting, but good!  I am still struggling to figure out some things regarding my more immediate family, but that's not for the blogging world to see.  Sorry!  But, prayers are appreciated as I discern what to do and how to go about doing it!  Thanks!

Anything else you want to know, you can always comment or email me!  Beyond that, I'm done.  

So much more...

Today was an absolutely horrible day...pain wise.  I couldn't do anything for most of it but lay in bed.  Every 45 minutes or so, I would have to get out of bed to reset the internet, but that was all I could do.  I could hardly text and pushing the buttons on my heating pad became something to dread.  FINALLY, about mid-afternoon, I started to crochet which was painful, but I enjoy it too much to abandon it.  Plus, making a blanket is one of the things I will aim to do before I die.  SO...I started today by making a pattern and getting approximately 5% of it done.  YAY!  :)

Because my PCP and rheumy do not feel like dealing with my pain, I called a couple pain management specialists today.  I have an appointment on May 18th with one, however I'm afraid that all he is going to want to do is try injections.  I don't feel like injections would help someone with my condition of fibromyalgia.  Injections seem to do well for people with pain in one or two areas, not body wide pain.  So, as much as I do not want to be on narcotics, I want relief from this pain.  I need something for the really bad days like these that make me want to skip class and do nothing, talk to no one, and lay in bed bored and in pain.  Gotta say, that's not the life I want to live.  I don't want my biggest dread to be getting out of bed in the morning or to make dinner.  That's not what I want for my life.  So anyone that tells me that I just need to get over it and deal with the pain is a dumb-ass.  (Excuse my language.)  I am tired of this every day pain.  I'm tired of this life that I've lived for the past months.  No, it hasn't been years like others, but still.  It isn't fair.  You wouldn't want this life, and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.  Even if I had an enemy to wish this upon, I never would do so.

Anyhow, I called another clinic and they do pain management programs, so there is paperwork to fill out and send in.  After they review it, they will let me know if I'm accepted into the program.  They are willing to do narcotics.  So, yeah.  I guess we will see how it goes and if I hear from them before May 18th.  I'm just tired of being sick in a way that people can't see.  I took my heating pad to my night class last night.  It worked pretty well for allowing me to be there and half-way decently alive.  But I can't tell you how belittled I feel these days.  I did get to educate a few people on fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain, which is always exciting for me.  The more awareness there is the better life will be.

I can't help but dreaming of all the things I wish I could do.  The things I've done in the past that I want to do now and the things that I've always wanted to do.  Sure, I'm a poor college student.  And my parents weren't that smart with their finances.  I can barely make it through school.  But there is so much out there in this world that I wish I could do right now.

I want to be able to dance again.  I want to have the energy to run and rehabilitate my knees (no matter what RA could be doing to my body).  I want to be able to travel.  To see the world for what it is, rather than the pictures in geography books.  I want to be able to play the flute for hours until that two-measure passage is perfect.  I want to be able to cook anything I want, whenever I want.  I want to make a difference in this world.

I'm not being unrealistic.  I'm not shooting for the moon (though that's possible these days).  I'm just dreaming like any other person on this earth.  I just wish I could make it happen.  I wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain.  I wish others with chronic pain didn't have to deal with the pain.  I wish we didn't have such a hard life with our loved ones.  I wish "outsiders" understood.  I wish they could grasp exactly what they are saying.  I know I wasn't perfect before fibro affected my life, but I tried so hard to understand.  I researched so many conditions as soon as friends mentioned the possibility of them affecting their lives.  I learned the symptoms and the treatments.  I cared as much as I could.  I wasn't perfect, but my friends, one in particular, saw my attempt and was grateful.  I just wish more people tried, rather than being so ignorant.  I wish that people could see the pain I'm feeling...not necessarily experience it, but to see what I'm dealing with every single day of my life.

Anyhow, my hands are crying out for me to stop typing, so I'm going to have to end this.  But, I just wanted to give an update on life.  This life sucks.  The life I want isn't the life I have.  There's no "Just deal with it" answer to this pain.  It's so much more than what can be seen on the outside.  So much more...