Contemplative Thinking

A lot of today, thus far, has been spent in a quiet room thinking about life.  I've thought about school, work, Methodism, Catholicism and the religious orders, Africa, friends, etc.  More and more, I'm beginning to think that I allow myself to be controlled by others.  It isn't in an abusive way or anything like that...It is much more subtle.  I allow other people's opinions and thoughts become my reality rather than creating a reality of my own.  They say that one's interpretations of the world become one's reality.  So, instead of taking in the world for myself, I allow others to create my world view.  In a way, this can be a good thing.  But when it comes to living my dreams or the dreams of others, that's when it gets messy!  

I love the dreams I have for myself.  The dream of becoming the best disciple I can be for Jesus Christ!!!  The dream of going to Africa and LIVING in Africa amongst the people. The dream of learning all I can and serving all I can!  I know these can be pretty abstract dreams, but in reality, they are very simplistic and concrete when broken down...

• I want to go through RCIA and become a Catholic.
• I want to join a class to study Scripture, or start one!
• I want to become an avid prayer warrior...someone that anyone can turn to when in need of prayer!
• I want to crochet a blanket...because I can!
• I want to get my health in order.
• I want to use music to touch people's hearts...to express God in an unspeakable way!
• I want to learn ASL and Swahili!
• I want to teach kids in Africa to know and love Jesus and about the world they live in.
• I want to publish a book...just for fun! :)
• I want to live simply...so no big house or lots of stuff!
• I want to love like Jesus loved and live like Jesus did with no regrets!

I think we make life too small.  I know people always say that life is too short.  But, we make life small.  We don't ever dream!  Dreams really can come true.  Dreams don't have to be something that we hold in our hearts and never act upon.  Sure, there are limits to what is physically possible...like, you may never be able to learn how to fly (unless you're okay with an airplane or parachute).  Let's not limit God.  Let's dream the impossible because God doesn't seem like the kind of Being that would be okay with just getting through life.  Each one of us can be something great because that's what we were meant to be!!!  It's how we were created!!!!  :-)  So.....

DREAM BIG!!!!!

Summer

My summer has begun.  It feels great not having any homework, but I know that I have a lot to do in order to prepare for the new school year.  I can't believe that I'm alright looking towards August, but I have such a crazy busy summer that I feel it is necessary!!!  Beginning tomorrow, I will be looking for a job and getting my "adult life" in order.  I hope to get the job set up soon so I can figure out a budget - gotta love finances!  After that, I hope that I can do something towards getting debt paid off (about $2000 in all, with the exception of student loans) and setting up a savings plan.  I am thrilled for my future in Africa, so until then, I'd like to do more than "make it through."  I'd like to enjoy my last couple years in school too!

Today was much better than I thought it would be.  I was DEFINITELY sure that I would have a bad day...but, in all honesty, Mass relaxed me which lessened the intensity of the pain.  Then, the pain kicked in...but even now, I can still type.  I went to Sunday School at one of the United Methodist churches in town that I had been going to before going to Catholicism.  It was a good time...although, I didn't pay attention completely! ;)  I was a bit distracted by my urge to go to Afffrrrriiiicccaaaaaaa! 

However, with all my distractions of Afffrrrriiiicccaaaaaaa and checking the time to allow for travel to noon Mass, something still caught my eye/ear.  "Blessings come through trust and obedience."  After a bit of thought, I realized its truth.  I know that when I am trusting and obeying God, I see more blessings.  However, when things get rough and I lose faith in God, my entire world seems to be upside down and blessings are fewer and far between.  It's all about worldview.  When we trust and obey God, we see the world in a way unlike any other!  We see it for what it is...good.  We see "curses" as opportunities to trust God.  We see concerns as prayer requests.  As someone said this morning: Courage is fear who has said its prayers. 

What is bugging me more than anything else:  Values.  In the U.S., people value money, success, and health.  People like nice cars and homes.  They want to be successful and make money with full bank accounts.  They want to be happy.  They long for happiness.  But, very few people are happy with these values.  We all need a lil' bit of love!!!  I don't want to value money, success, nice things, etc...I want to be a person with values more than that!  I want to value people.  Real people.  People who are dealing with more in their lives than those in America could ever imagine!!!  I want to love children for who they are.  I want to see education as something more than what I have to do half-butt every day.  I want to see money as a blessing not a need.  I want to see success as helping a child smile!  I want to give all I have to real people here and in Africa!  Because...by doing that, I'm fulfilling my purpose.  I'm glorifying God by helping others.  No matter HOW vague and broad that seems!  SOOOO...That's my lil' rant.  Perhaps if we just start valuing people, we can solve a lot of the world's problems.  Poverty, world hunger, war...they can all end.  Think it through. 

Alright.  That's all.  Adios!

Maamuzi

I've made my decision.  So, thanks to all those who have said a prayer for me.  I really appreciate it.

Clearly, the name of this blog is not English.  In fact, it is Swahili for "decisions."  I've been making a lot of decisions lately.  Not to be a pastor was a HUGE decision.  However, I'm finding a lot of freedom in that and finding my way in life, including my Purpose.  I'm finding that there are ways outside of the pulpit that I can lead people to Jesus.  And honestly, they are pretty HUGE ways.

I've decided to become a missionary.  I want to go to Africa with the Maryknoll Lay Missioners.  It is a Catholic organization that takes care of EVERYTHING you can imagine to make sure as much work for Jesus gets done as possible!  Hopefully, I will be able to teach English and spend time with the lil' ones in Kenya!  It is also a three and a half year program, with four weeks of vacation, a stipend to cover living expenses, and MUCH more!  Honestly, it is my DREAM program.

But by now you've noticed that it is a Catholic organization.  Why am I looking at a Catholic organization?  Because I am joining the Catholic church.  I have really been praying about my life and its direction.  After really feeling like God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, I felt led to the Catholic church.  I have a friend who is a pretty strong Catholic.  After going to Mass a few times, I just feel more at home in the Catholic church.  I've discussed, pretty extensively, what the Catholics believe.  I have done TONS of research about their doctrine and every single thing I've ever disagreed with, I don't disagree with anymore.  I just feel like going to the Catholic church is the right thing for me.  As for the concepts of not taking communion for the next while and going to confession, they make me sad and slightly uncomfortable respectively, but I will press on and get through it.  Confession only makes me a little uncomfortable because it is so foreign to me.  But, I'm sure I'll get used to it.  I love the reality of it.  SO, I hope I will have the support of everyone in making this transition.  Believe me, I have NOT taken this decision lightly.  Most of you reading this know that I was born and raised United Methodist and have rarely strayed from that path.  But, take comfort in that I fully believe that I'm a Christian believing that Jesus came to earth to die on a cross to save me.  I am just going to follow where God leads me.  It is a plus that there are MANY programs out there for missionaries in the Catholic church.

These are the decisions, or maamuzi, that I've been praying about and settling.  I am open to discussion, but not debate.  Thanks for your cooperation on that!  Anyway, that's what's going on!!!  Happy Dead Day!

My rosary.  :)

Day 3 - Blessed Discipline

Today's Scriptures:
~ John 1:29-34
~ Job 5-10
~ Proverbs 2

*Blessed is the man whom God corrects, so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. - Job 5:17 (NIV)

One doesn't usually hear the word blessed and discipline in the same phrase. Especially when it is that one is blessed if God disciplines you! I don't think anyone likes discipline. I know that I certainly don't right now. But, I think it is DEFINITELY part of following Christ. We are called to put down our own ways and follow Christ, so if we aren't denying something that we should then yeah....God isn't cool with that. And yes, I just said that! :)

I believe a lot of us stray away from discipline because we perceive it as being painful. We think of the discipline of an athlete: "No pain; no gain." Or we think about when we were younger and mom or dad disciplined us by spanking. However, this discipline is different in that it doesn't generally imply physical pain (although, I suppose it could). It is more along the lines of your conscience kicking in and bugging you to death until you stop whatever you aren't supposed to be doing or start whatever you are supposed to be doing. It could be that person that catches you in the act. Or that invisible red flag that blocks your way of doing something you'd prefer against God's will. When I was young in my faith, and sometimes now-a-days, I would rebuke myself for things that I did wrong by doing physical exercises past the point where it would cause my body to exert itself...so lots of sit-ups, push-ups, an extra mile, etc. I would increase the number or count I would do if I did it again. It wasn't so that I would hurt myself for the sake of it. But so that way I would remember not to do it again. Part of discipline is being able to continue to do the good things, and continue not doing the bad things. So, I suppose it is my way of penance after asking for forgiveness from God. Now, my way of discipline is different than God's, but it reminds me of my commitment to change my ways. So, no worries. I doubt God will discipline you by making you run a mile or do 100 sit-ups, but He will discipline you if you want to walk in His Son's footsteps.

You may think I am crazy, but I don't want to do things that are contrary to God's will and way. So thus, I want to embrace discipline as being blessed by God, rather than just some painful "no-good" thing. Because I know, that through discipline, I will become more pure and holy like Jesus Christ and grow in my relationship with God.