Look What the Lord has Done

WOW!  It has been FOREVER since I last wrote.  I have a lot to say and most of it will be boring if ya know me, but if you haven't seen me or heard from me in a while, well, this will catch ya up...and then FB me or something!  I miss my people from MSU and EHS!  Alright, so here we go and I'll see what I can do to keep it from skipping all over the place!

WORK 
I am currently working at a day rehabilitation center for people with disabilities.  I've been there since the VERY end of May 2012 and I LOVE it!  They did all of their own training and I couldn't be happier with my job!  I work with about 10 women (coworkers) even though most of the participants are guys.  I have an awesome time with them whether it is doing crafts, reading books, watching movies, playing games, or even teaching them a lil' something, reading, or writing.  I work with adults who have disabilities BUT they range in age from 18yo to 70-something.  Someday, I'd love to run a center for pediatric disabilities as an after-school/summer program, but I have a long way to go before that can happen!  The only downfall to where I work is that I am the youngest by like 25 years.  Most of the time, it really doesn't matter, but the few short times...it can be real unhandy!  But, I do my job and I always try to go over and above.  I never leave work without knowing that I am making a difference and doing something worthwhile.  Which is an awesome feeling!!!

SCHOOL 
Currently, I'm not in school.  I thought I would go back this fall (2012), but I really decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to do so.  Finances are a complete mess right now.  I'm planning a wedding (more on that later).  I love my job and I'd have to switch jobs if I went back to school because of the field I'm in.  And I don't know, honestly, if I want to go back.  At least, not right now.
The main reason I had decided to quit going was so that I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life and where I was headed.  It was totally something I did out of faith because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy with me coming out of school.  (I also had quit because of my worsening health...more on that later too.)  BUT, now, I have some sense of direction - and it doesn't necessarily involve schooling at the collegiate level.
Like I said before, I love my job and I'd love to open somewhere for kids with disabilities (no matter how severe) to come and learn and just be around other people!  BUT, I've also regained a sense of calling to my life.  A sense of where I'm at ministry wise.  And because of that (which I'm gonna talk about later too), I don't think I will go back unless it is for a Christian ministry degree..OR something in the field I'm currently working in.  Okay...going on since life seems to overlap in more than one category!  LOL!

WEDDING
Yes, I mentioned it earlier, but I am planning a wedding.  A wedding for November 17, 2012!!!  It had initially been planned for August of 2014, however because Nichole's grandma is not doing fantastic with her cancer, we moved it up.  (Prayers requested for her as she is starting her third round of chemotherapy for colon cancer.)  Anyway, we are planning it in about three months when we had initially thought it would be like...2 years from now!!!  It is a bit stressful, although I'm more relaxed about it than Nichole is!  LOL.  We do have someone helping plan the wedding for free though, so that helps!  AND...it will be a smaller and simpler wedding than we had initially imagined it to be.  (Which is great, but many friends and even family on both sides won't be included.)  We are having it in Nov, so clearly it won't be an outside wedding like we had initially planned either...AND, unlike we had planned - we will actually be able to have a pastor wed us!!!  (Thanks to Pastor Lenny! - More on him later.)  Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings to my HS and MSU friends who won't be able to come.  We will only have about 3 months of budgeting to pay for the wedding since neither sides' family will help with the cost of the wedding.  (Mainly because of their beliefs on homosexuality and marriage...which is whatever these days.)  I can't afford our original list of nearly 300 guests so now it is about 50 with only immediate family members and grandparents invited.  Sucks, but we'd rather have her grandma there with us to support us than a big (expensive) wedding.  Hope everyone can understand!

HEALTH & GOD (They go together now.)
So, this is a bit of a testimony because I no longer have pain.  My blood work still shows that there should be pain, but I have no more pain than a "slightly overweight" female should who doesn't exercise.  LOL!
On July 29, 2012, Nichole and I visited Light of Love Fellowship in St. Louis.  We are a gay-affirming church where anyone and everyone is welcome regardless of background, etc.  (Light of Love Fellowship - STL) I was extremely skeptical of the church because it certainly was not a United Methodist Church.  It is labeled as a non-denominational church, but it is connected to the RPI (Reconciling Pentecostals International) church.  The website didn't say much, but going in we knew that they were a church that believed in speaking in tongues and baptism by immersion.  That's about it!

My Pastor Lenny Johnson getting fully ordained.
September 1, 2012 - MSQ 2012

SO, we went.  Worship was unlike any other worship I had experienced in my life.  There were people playing tambourines, shouting, jumping, dancing, clapping, lifting hands, etc!  The songs had a bit of a gospel twang to them, but nothing that I didn't mind! :)  THEN, there was a prayer - dum dum dum duuuuummmm.  (Get a lil' of Beethoven's 5th in there)  In the middle of the prayer, there seemed to be a lil' phrase of "gibberish" that I didn't understand.  I expected to bust up laughing at the strangeness of it all, but it seemed very normal and REAL that it didn't phase me.  At all.  During worship, people were not only shouting but shouting in tongues!!!  It was unfamiliar to me but didn't seem like they were doing anything wrong or anything like that.  The sermon came.  It was long, but good.  It was about cursing the fruitless trees in our life.  Things that get in the way of the Spirit like fear, doubt, our past, etc.  Let me tell ya, I had some junk to get rid of.  And while I've found that we do an altar call at every service (or at least 99%), I felt led to go up (even though it was my first Sunday at this new strange church).  I prayed, people laid hands, I cried, relief spread over me.  It was amazing...
We went back.  August 5, 2012 is a day that I will never forget!  It's my baptism day!  At the morning service, after much contemplation about Holy Spirit Baptism and speaking in tongues, Nichole and I received it!  We spoke in tongues and people prayed hard over us for us to let loose.  I resisted as much as I could because it was the craziest thing hearing jumbled sounds come out of my mouth.  It took a lot of faith to know that those sounds meant something to God.  Here's the link that I studied to learn more about Holy Spirit Baptism...if you don't know about speaking in tongues or if you wanna know more about the blessing and why it is still for today and why anyone can speak in tongues who want to...click on the link!!!  Holy Spirit Baptism Teaching
Anyway, so I was speaking in tongues but I was first paralyzed in fear.  I was scared to do it because it meant I had to give up control.  I was gonna sound a lil' crazy.  BUT, after doing it...I will never regret it.  Alright, so beyond that, after I calmed down and stopped shaking and regained movement/control of my body, I decided I wanted to be baptized in water again because I walked away from God and I wanted that fresh start and to make that declaration about what I believe and Who I believe in!  SO, I was baptized in water at the 6:30pm service.  The water was ice cold!  LOL!  The only thing I remember is that I was in pain going into the water, but coming up from it I had no pain.  About a week later, I began having pain again, but it was minimal.  So little I didn't let it bother me.  In fact, I stopped taking all of my meds.  YES, ALL of them excluding my vitamins and one to help that blood work figure itself out.  That meant I came off of my meds for sleeping, sensitivity, fibromyalgia.  That also meant that I came off of my bipolar mood-stabilizer, my anxiety meds, my anti-depressant, AND ALL of my narcotic pain medications.  I came off of the med controlling migraine prevention and the list goes on and on.  No more taking 22 pills before bedtime as well as in the morning and pain meds throughout the day.  It's amazing!!!!!!!!  I was so relieved!  I hadn't been that pain-free in over a year!!!  And from the mental side of things - I hadn't felt that good in YEARS!!!
Okay, so awesome, I'm now baptized and speaking in tongues.  Great.  BUT - it's more than that.

My Baptism by Water

Being filled with the Holy Spirit, through Holy Spirit Baptism (explained above in that link), has changed my life.  I have a confidence and boldness that I have never had before.  I recognize sin faster and more clearly than ever before.  I feel a special closeness to God that I had only felt on the mountain tops of my spiritual life and even now, I may be closer than ever before.  My prayer life exists and is more real than ever before. I study the Bible and understand it better than before.  I have a fire burning within me that is unlike any other that keeps me going, and while the enemy tries to blow it out now more than ever, he can't do it because he can't get me away from my God!  More than anything else, I feel loved.  I feel loved by God and by my church family.  I haven't felt this loved since I came out and told everyone I was marrying a woman.  Sure, my pastor is gay, but I can tell ya that he totally is in love with God and lives a holy and God-filled life!  So, why can't I be a lesbian and be head-over-heels in love with God?!  More than that, God still loves me.  period.  God hasn't abandoned me.  Others have, but they are people (gotta love 'em), BUT, GOD HASN'T!!!  He is my life now.  I can't wait to get home from work each day so I can spend more time with Him.  Reading His Word sounds more appealing than anything these days.  Addictions and hatred I've held onto for so long are being conquered in the name of Jesus Christ!  I've seen healing in supernatural ways and I've grown in faith more than ever!  The amazing thing is that even though I am back in church and in love with God, speaking in tongues, travailing, praying and studying daily, and worshiping like never before, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!!  I don't know what God has in store.  I don't know if I will be a pastor, evangelist, etc.  I don't know if I'll start or have my own church someday.  I don't know if I will travel the world as a missionary or if I will be called to go 1,491 miles like Abraham to another place!  BUT, what I do know is that the second I can stop taking my medications and the second I start feeling loved and like I have a purpose is the second that my life changed and I learned how to be REAL!

ANYWAY, that's about all I have for ya.  Needless to say, life is so much better than it's been.  Control has been given to God.  Forgiveness is reigning.  And the enemy hates...HATES all of this!  BUT, ha!  I'm roaring from the lion of the tribe of Judah!!!  And my ROAR will be loud!  LOOK WHAT MY LORD HAS DONE!!!!

Trapped & Turmoil

I feel trapped.

No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it.  And no.  Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is.  I could end the relationship if I wanted to.  And no.  I don't want to end the relationship.

Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.

No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen.  Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls.  SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea.  And that brings me to why I feel trapped.

Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions.  Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act.  Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will.  And I'm done listening to them.  My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo.  I'm trapped.  I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.

For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry.  For once I'm starting to live my life and love it.  I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be.  When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect.  It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke.  It is very real.  And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not.  I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love!  We want your support and your love.

With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live.  Recently, quite a few changes have taken place.  I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church.  I have changed my major umpteen million times.  I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa.  I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic.  Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered.  But all through it, I've begun to find myself.  I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me.  I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me.  It doesn't work that way.  You get to live your life, please let me live mine.  You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do.  But, I'm happy where I am at.  I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me.  It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.

In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture.  A society that is so set in stone is dangerous.  I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves.  This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV).  It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.

So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams.  It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all.  Thanks.  And respectfully comment if you so choose.

Who

As I look at the boxes in my room, I can't help but think of the last two years of my life.  In a way, it is really sad to leave who I've become in the last two years.  The ways I've grown are enormous.  I've learned more about myself than school subjects.  I hate thinking that I am leaving this behind to go back home.  But, I'm not going home the same that I was before.  And I'm not sure people realize that.

I think about who I was before I left High School.  Leaving High School, I was a straight A student who was ON FIRE to become a music educator.  I wanted to teach the children of the world music.  All I wanted to do was play and teach.  Nothing else.  Now, I've moved completely away from that into a whole new realm of things.  I'm studying the last thing I ever thought I would study and going to school someplace I NEVER thought I would go.  I hardly thought twice about my academic future leaving High School.  Now, I think about it all the time and wonder if where I'm headed is where God wants me to go. 

I think about who I was as a friend.  In High School, I had very few friends.  But the friends I had were great.  I never really opened up to them or allowed them to see my weaknesses.  Now, I have the greatest best friend ever whom I call a dear sister!  She knows me inside and out and can tell you all my weaknesses!  The few friends I have are awesome and know the real me.  Outside of that, I'm not very social.  Thank you to Brittney, Christine, and Nichole for helping me through this year and sticking with me through it all!  And thanks to Julie for being there at the beginning of all the mess of my family and the divorce and helping me see God through it all.  My social life is hardly what it was before entering college.

I think about who I was outside of school.  Busy.  Crazily busy.  Now, my health measures what I do.  And my passion rules over everything.  Doing it all is highly unlikely.

Finally, I think about who I am spiritually.  Ha.  It would take WAY TOO MANY blog posts to say it all.  But, while I've fought with God from everything from hangers, cereal, and the cold shoulder, I have grown exponentially.  I know what it is like to be angry at God.  I know what it is like to fall before God in tears.  I know what it is like to hear His voice.  I know what it is like to see Him working in other people's lives in ways you would never dream!  I know what it is like to do crazy things for God.  I hope and pray I will continue to grow.  No matter where life takes me, I know that He is with me.  I know that He will protect my travels to Africa. 

I never would have guessed that I would go from thinking of myself as a music educator to a missionary all in two years.  But, I know that it is what I'm called to do.  I can't wait to see the children!  May I forever follow God!  Never any human being less than Jesus Christ Himself! 

So, here's to many more years of learning.  Here's to many more years of allowing God to work in my life.  Yes, it will be sad leaving this life in Springfield, Missouri.  But, I can't tell you how excited I am for this new phase of my life...academically, socially, and spiritually! 

Starving Soul

Today was my fifth day of going to Mass daily.  I really enjoy being able to have the lectionary Scriptures read to me.  It's convenient and I learn a lot just by being present and surrounded by a community of believers.  I feel like I'm a baby-believer again, in a way.  Although, I'm quite the opposite.  I'm a baby-Catholic, but certainly not a baby-believer!  I think the thing for me is being okay with not taking communion.  I know that it shouldn't be a big deal and I understand the viewpoint on it, but it is still hard to pass it up when I feel I already understand the sacrament.  It isn't hurtful.  It is just hard.  I feel like all eyes recognize that I didn't accept communion, rather I received a blessing.  And, it is hard knowing that I can't take communion and not knowing when I will be able to take it again.  Usually, the RCIA program doesn't start until September and it ends nearly a year later around Easter...which we just passed.  SO...Needless to say, it sounds like it will be a while.  Which makes it difficult.  It is as if my soul is longing for the physical bread and cup to fill me spiritually.  That probably didn't make sense.  But regardless, my soul starves for the Presence of Jesus within.  I want to be apart of the unity of the Church.  I feel like I'm at home in the Catholic church, but I still feel like an outsider when it comes to the Eucharist.  I hope and pray that I don't let this discourage me.  I love the Catholic Church and I want to be apart of its ministry.

While I've been going to Mass daily, my soul is still starving.  No matter how much I try to fill it with the Scripture or prayer, it never fails to "grumble" when I pass on the Eucharistic meal.  My soul starves for the reality of the Presence of Jesus!

The Battle Within

Last night, before I posted a blog about it, I talked to my parents and grandma about becoming Catholic AND becoming a missionary.  (Two hard pieces of news in one conversation!)  I can't tell you how hard it was to open up to them what's been on my heart.  I wasn't sure how exactly they would react, but I had a pretty good picture.  It was hard to talk to people that had raised me in the church, even if they didn't always go or practice what was preached.  But, now they know.  I know that I have the support of my dad and grandma no matter what I do or where I go to church as long as I'm following Jesus.  My mom has a lot of questions and concerns, most of which are understandable.  All in all, it is up to me, though, in how I choose to live my life in Christ. 

While I am not second-guessing myself, I do have a battle going on between my mind and my heart.  My mind tells me that I'm leaving what I know best and that in itself is stupid.  But my heart tells me that I'm following what God wants, even if it means leaving my comfort zone of Methodism.  My mind tells me that my family (my mom, dad, sibs, grandma) will not be able to take communion at my church ever again and that saddens me.  But my heart tells me that I understand the "closed table" and that one day I will have a family of my own who will be able to take communion with me.  My mind tells me that this may create a struggle in my spiritual leading of my immediate family.  But my heart tells me that I can't always be the leader and I must do what I feel is best for me.  My mind was scared of the transition between the churches.  But my heart is telling me to press on.  So, there was this battle going on.  Frankly, my mind was winning last night and it put me in a pretty ugly place where the stress was affecting my body.  As I was telling my struggle to my best friend Nichole she was trying to calm the battle.  While her arguments were incredibly good, it just didn't seem to be calming the anxiety the battle had created.  I don't have any clue if she has any recollection of this, but she "out of the blue" said a prayer for me.  It made me cry, and since I was laying down, I had tears running into my ears.  I can't even remember a lot of what she said, but whatever it was...it was good!  This sense of complete peace spread over my body.  My heart stopped racing.  My mind went still before the Throne. 

The battle was won.  My heart persevered.  I knew I was following Christ's lead.  It is as if He has His arm around my shoulder as we walk down this path that is very unfamiliar to me.  But I can look into His eyes and see the glimmer of a smile.  I am a bit excited for what lies ahead...Well, VERY excited! 

Yes this battle was won, but the war will continue.  But, my heart has restored hope and it isn't alone for it has Christ within.  I just have to remember to go with who Christ wants me to be, rather than who the world is telling me to be.  But for now...

My heart has won the battle within....

Maamuzi

I've made my decision.  So, thanks to all those who have said a prayer for me.  I really appreciate it.

Clearly, the name of this blog is not English.  In fact, it is Swahili for "decisions."  I've been making a lot of decisions lately.  Not to be a pastor was a HUGE decision.  However, I'm finding a lot of freedom in that and finding my way in life, including my Purpose.  I'm finding that there are ways outside of the pulpit that I can lead people to Jesus.  And honestly, they are pretty HUGE ways.

I've decided to become a missionary.  I want to go to Africa with the Maryknoll Lay Missioners.  It is a Catholic organization that takes care of EVERYTHING you can imagine to make sure as much work for Jesus gets done as possible!  Hopefully, I will be able to teach English and spend time with the lil' ones in Kenya!  It is also a three and a half year program, with four weeks of vacation, a stipend to cover living expenses, and MUCH more!  Honestly, it is my DREAM program.

But by now you've noticed that it is a Catholic organization.  Why am I looking at a Catholic organization?  Because I am joining the Catholic church.  I have really been praying about my life and its direction.  After really feeling like God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, I felt led to the Catholic church.  I have a friend who is a pretty strong Catholic.  After going to Mass a few times, I just feel more at home in the Catholic church.  I've discussed, pretty extensively, what the Catholics believe.  I have done TONS of research about their doctrine and every single thing I've ever disagreed with, I don't disagree with anymore.  I just feel like going to the Catholic church is the right thing for me.  As for the concepts of not taking communion for the next while and going to confession, they make me sad and slightly uncomfortable respectively, but I will press on and get through it.  Confession only makes me a little uncomfortable because it is so foreign to me.  But, I'm sure I'll get used to it.  I love the reality of it.  SO, I hope I will have the support of everyone in making this transition.  Believe me, I have NOT taken this decision lightly.  Most of you reading this know that I was born and raised United Methodist and have rarely strayed from that path.  But, take comfort in that I fully believe that I'm a Christian believing that Jesus came to earth to die on a cross to save me.  I am just going to follow where God leads me.  It is a plus that there are MANY programs out there for missionaries in the Catholic church.

These are the decisions, or maamuzi, that I've been praying about and settling.  I am open to discussion, but not debate.  Thanks for your cooperation on that!  Anyway, that's what's going on!!!  Happy Dead Day!

My rosary.  :)

Time Travel

5:15am  Woke up thinking about best friend.  Text said person.

6:00am  Fell back asleep.  FINALLY!

6:40am  Woke back up.  Text received about blog last night from best friend.  More talk about said blog.

7:00am  Best friend mentions being scared of herself and what she can do to end the pain.  Scares me to death!

8:00am  Will not get off the phone with best friend.  Scares me too much to think about losing her, even if she was at work today.  Began packing as quickly as possible.

9:00am  Left the apartment.  Got fuel.  (And a Pepsi.)  And was on my way to her place.  ETA: 12:30pm.

10:03am  Got the feeling I was going to be run over by an 18-wheeler...twice.  Was on phone off and on with best friend.  Starting to feel better as she made various appointments with doctors and seemed to cheer up.  

11:15am  Felt the need to pray the Rosary, thus the Rosary was prayed for said friend.  Afterward, much singing in adoration of God was done.  I had a good time with it, though still completely paying attention to my driving.

11:40am  Metal bar in road.  Car next to me.  Can't swerve to miss it.  "Shit."  Ker-plunk, Ker-plunk.

11:41am  Smoke appeared from rear.  Concerns me greatly.

11:42am  Left message on Dad's voicemail.  Call Mom.  Mom said it was probably fine.  Dad returns call.  Dad said it was not fine.

11:43am  Pull off at gas station just to check on the car.  Asked Dad if it is okay to turn off my car.  He said that I should be fine.  Turn car off.

11:44am  Checked on car.  Lots of red fluid has formed a puddle under my car.  Concerns me greatly.  Looks above car...no parking sign.  Ahead of me, scale for 18-wheelers.  Truckers pull around me ungrateful of my desire to park my car in their way.  (Though, one trucker was an excellent driver and figured out how to make it!)

12:02pm  Still sitting at gas station.  Scared and alone.  Unsure of what to do.  Posted this status:

Scared and lonely.  

Sitting in a no parking zone in a car that is leading tons of oil and probably a shot engine.  

Yay for some metal bar in the middle of hwy 44.  

Needless to say, it's just me and God for the next while.  :'/

12:03pm  Still scared.  Multiple calls.  Afraid of the battery quickly decreasing on my phone.  Still wondering when I'm going to make it home (well, my best friend's home).  Praying that God will use this incident in some good way.  

12:57pm  Dad arrives.  By now, it looks as if some dead person is bleeding all underneath my car.  Transferred stuff over to his car.  ROLLED/PUSHED my car to a safer location.  Hid key for tow truck driver and headed to best friend's house with much thanks to Dad!  :)

2:06pm  Arrival and unloaded my stuff.  Set up my throne next to best friend's throne.  Thanked God for the safe arrival.  And continued my day.  

**********

Needless to say, it has been quite the day.  Especially with the craziness of my morning.  My friend honestly scared me.  I suppose it is because she began using my name in the texts.  She does that when she is upset or angry.  But this time, I just got the vibe.  I didn't ignore it.  As I was driving, I wondered if I was nuts making the drive home the weekend before finals week.  But, I completely and totally understood that I needed to make the drive.  No matter how much my knees screamed at me.  And especially while I was praying the Rosary, I just felt I was doing something right.  Granted, the metal bar came and it seemed all was lost.  But while the financial burden will certainly be a burden, I knew it would all play into some crazy plan of God's.  I didn't lose hope, except for a moment that I had to myself before the phone calls came.  The greatest part though, was that my best friend sent me a text right as I was ending the Rosary thanking me for taking the time to come home to see her.  That was definitely my favorite part of the day.  

I don't know how many people can just get up and leave whatever you're doing, without even thinking of the consequences, to be there for a friend.  I just hope that you are there for people when they need you most.  I pray that you are there to listen and to be a smile, even if it is your last!  I hope you have someone in your life that would do the same for you too!  

Most of all, I pray that you have someone in your life that you can share life with.  No, I'm not talking specifically about marriage or boyfriend/girlfriend, though that can be part of it.  I'm talking about someone you can be completely and utterly honest with.  The person that you can share your heart, no matter how heavy it is, and they are willing to hold it in their hands with the utmost care you could ever imagine.  The person you can share your deepest darkest secrets with, but can be laughing hysterically 23.7 seconds later!  Someone you love being around, even if nothing is said.  Someone who loves you for you, no matter what.  

I have that friend.  In fact, she is even more than a best friend.  She is my sister.  Not by blood.  Rather by that deep friendship that we are sharing life together.  Through thick and thin, we hold each other up.  Even when our strength is weak, we have God to help us.  Our faith keeps our glimmer of a will going through it all.  I know I can make it through any day because I have someone here on earth willing to walk (or even crawl) with me through it.  

Today has been interesting.  Scary.  But a reminder of what really matters in this life:

1)  Love God.

2)  Love People. 

Confessions of Change

Today has been hard.  I woke up with a headache and fibro pain that I thought would be the death of me.  BUT, I was still on a positivity kick from my best friend, Nichole.  So, I had the song Blessings by Laura Story playing in my head over and over and over and over.  At first, it was really annoying.  I even played it a couple times via YouTube, but I couldn't get it out of my head.  Soon, it became more of a comfort.  I sang along and tried to allow the words to flow from my heart.  By the time I was leaving that morning, I had been annoyed by the song, comforted by the song, encouraged by the song, and made fun of the song because of the fantastic mood that I was in, amidst the pain. 

I had a pretty decent time with classes and hanging out with a new friend.  I did something today that I intend on doing again tomorrow.  I reminded myself of my purpose.  But, within some time, I was back to stressed out Samantha.  I listened to the details of my final exam for one of my classes.  Needless to say, it freaked me out!  Eight essays..."You may need more than one blue book?!"  WHAT?!  Immediately, I had my mind on my health issues.  I was thinking about how it generally goes now-a-days where my writing hand goes numb or hurts like crazy to where it can't function after a short time of taking notes.  I freaked out.  My breathing became shallow and quick.  I started to get super nervous.  My headache reappeared, that had dissipated after a couple hours this morning, stronger than ever.  Nichole tried to calm me.  But the exam was still approaching and still making me anxious.  In the midst of our conversation, I got the feeling that my nerves weren't helping her whatsoever, so I tried to drop the topic and brought up the dreaded topic of health.  Clearly that was a bad idea, because afterward she got off the phone as soon as she possibly could.  (Now, this is only my side of the story, so do not blame her whatsoever for what has been said.)  This topic seems to be identified as negative.  Especially since health issues are always seeming to cause pain.  Mine are limited compared to what Nichole fights against every single day of her life.  Gotta admit, I still admire her perseverance to keep fighting no matter what comes her way.  It's something deep within her that I still haven't figured out, but that I hope I have that in me too.  :)

Anyhow, it wasn't until later that I figured out what I had done.  And at first, it really frustrated me.  I have been talking to her about her health since the beginning, and she's heard about my health (even before the fibro crap) since the beginning of our friendship.  It was common for us to respond to the "How are you?" question with health or school/work issues.  I felt like it was a huge rope in our friendship because we were able to answer honestly and openly.  But now, it is almost a thread that you don't want to cut for fear the day may fall apart.  HOWEVER, I still believe the question can be asked.  I know that the strive to be positive can fall apart if we really dwell on the answer to the question.  I know that I begin to survey all of my pain and how many bad things happened that day.  But, it could be much easier on us as humans if we answer openly, but without dwelling too much on the bad.  If we looked at the good in relation to the bad.  I just fear that I answer how are you questions with much too negative and LONG answers. So, brevity is becoming my new specialty and I will be open to further questioning if wanted.  I can't wait for the days when I can answer "How are you?" with fantastic, regardless of how I may be feeling that day!

Along with all of the conversational side of things, I'm making some changes in my life.  And honestly, some of them are pretty big changes.  One of which is the switch to more positive thinking!  This completely has to rearrange my way of thinking.  Instead of dwelling on the pain I am feeling, I have to focus on other things.  And sometimes, I have to focus REALLY HARD! So, I don't know what is going to become of this.  I think it is going to be something I just have to train myself to do.  So, bear with me as I make the change.

Another change is the shift in my career.  I know I seem to be going back and forth with this one.  But, I'm positive now.  (This is where the title comes in.  Haha.)  I'm not going to be a United Methodist Pastor.  Surprise!  I would really love to discuss this more, but it would take three blog posts in itself!  In brief, I don't feel like God has called me to lead the church in this way.  I feel like I would have such a comfortable life.  I know that some think this is my God-given dream, but it isn't my dream.  I've thought a lot about it.  And yes, I feel very comfortable in the pulpit! But, it isn't where God has called me to be.  As I think back to my calling, God seemed to place a desire in my heart for something, or rather, somewhere other than America.  Yes, Africa.  I never felt comfortable in the ministry process.  It just isn't my home.  God has called me to be a pastor in a different way.  He has called me to be a missionary.  It goes back to my purpose.  To help people...and to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth! 

If this switch displeases you, or if you feel I'm making the wrong decision, I'm sorry.  But, I'm following God's lead.  Until now, I haven't seen exactly where He was leading.  I wanted so badly for it to go my way and to be planned out.  But, I got mad at God for all the health issues.  And while I didn't run away, I protested.  I stopped doing daily devotions.  Prayer time became my list of requests time, without any time to listen for a response.  Study was...only when absolutely necessary for some group or church thing.  I started to find church to be unhelpful.  Friends had deserted.  Family issues peaked.  Nothing was going my way.  But then, the dream of Africa was watered.  It was renewed.  I began searching my heart for what I know best.  I began to examine my life as a disciple of Jesus.  Frankly, I failed.  Miserably!  But, the longing was there.  The desire to know God has been fueled.  Depression and anger will not win!!!  I won't let it.  I can't let it.  My faith is what has held me to this point, and it will be what holds me until the end of my life and beyond! 

Tonight, I got pretty down.  A person that I usually spend a lot of my time talking to in the evenings decided to take a break from the world.  I didn't know what to do.  I went to a campus ministry night with a friend.  Not going to lie, I had a great time!  The people became a family, and soon I knew quite a few names and faces and a lot about their personality.  It just made my night.  Too bad it is at the end of the semester that I found this campus ministry.  But, the social aspect of my life tonight got me going again. 

I'm not saying that I need a jillion more friends.  Honestly, I love the one best friend that I have with all that I am.  But, being able to goof off tonight and act like a college student was something I hadn't done in a while with all my oldladyitis. 

On my way home from the campus ministry night, I stopped at a Christian book store.  (Yes, Dad...)  I picked up a "missions journal."  I'm not really sure what it is all about, but I really feel the need to start journaling again and getting into the habit of reading Scripture.  This blog has really become a journal, but I need a place to journal prayers, that may be a lil' too private for the blogging world.  ;)  Anyhow, I hope it is something that I can keep up with and that I can be encouraged by the experience of examining exactly where God has called me to be a missionary and how that might take place.

ALSO...There is one more change that I'm making in my life.  I can't discuss it on here right now, but a few people know what I'm referring to.  I can just assure you that I'm making this decision with a huge amount of prayer and discernment.  But, the decision is, indeed, mine to make.  So, I'd appreciate any and all prayers you can send up for me.

As I pulled into my apartment complex tonight, I noticed the moon.  I probably haven't looked at the sky in ages.  But, no joke, it looked like the moon was smiling at me.  Had I not slowed my day down enough to focus on God, I would have NEVER seen the moon.  I would have never seen the silver smile that seemed to confirm that all I am doing is good. 

So, there are my confessions of change.  I am just trying to remember that no matter what, life will be good.  Not always simple or easy, but good.  And God is with me.  And His Presence can mean all the difference between a good day and a bad day.  That's all I got!  Adios!

Purpose

Lately, I've been on a kick to go to Africa.  I have wanted to go to Africa for quite some time now, at least since I was in High School.  I suppose that I could go somewhere more pleasant and dreamy like Spain or Italy.  But, I've always had a special place in my heart for Africa.  Not even a specific country, until recently.

A while back, I went to the Cooperative School of Christian Mission that is held by the United Methodist Women.  We did a study on Sudan and the struggles and tyranny that is affecting the land and the people.  My heart sank.  It was as if I allowed the news to actually seem real.  I learned that people really were dealing with all the issues on a day-to-day basis.  AIDS was something more than what I read about for a sentence in a world history book.  It was real.  And it was taking lives.  Water really was something to be feared.  Who knew whether the water you drank would be clean or if it would take your health?  Children were killed or were deemed the caretakers of the family.  They didn't get the privilege of being innocent children.  (No matter how fast I grew up and became the mini-mom, I at least had my childhood innocence for a time.)

I just have this overwhelming feeling that I am sitting here in America in a bed I call my own in complete safety compared to what these people are dealing with every single day.  I don't know if I can help.  I don't know what exactly I can do.  But, I want to meet these people face to face.  I want to speak, in their language, the words of the Gospel that can bring peace to their lives amidst the war.  I want to bring them more than the physical help.  I know that they need healing and clean water.  I want to care for children and allow them to play games.  I want to learn their way of life.  I want to learn their perseverance. 

So, Sudan is the country on my heart.  I have friends in Kenya.  The child I sponsor through World Vision is from Kenya.  I do hope to go there.  I know there is struggle throughout much of that area of Africa.  You know, I look at pictures of Africa and I see two extremes...I see pictures of the animals running in the tall grass with the awesome looking trees and I see children dying of starvation with skin hardly hanging onto their bones.  It breaks my heart.

I don't care when I go.  I want to go.  It is a dream I won't lose.  Yes, there are places I could go and tour.  I want to go to Israel some day to see where Jesus walked and where He died for me.  I want to go to Europe and see all the beautiful cathedrals.  I want to see Rome and the Vatican City.  But all that takes second place to the people of Africa. 

While I was talking to Nichole last night about my longing to run away to Africa, she told me that I could run away there because I wouldn't come back.  Now, I know there is always that fear of something going wrong.  But she was actually referring to me going down there and staying there.  Like, on a forever basis.  It was kind of stunning.  I was only talking about going down there for a summer or a semester.  Not for the rest of my life.  So, I asked her why she thought that I wouldn't come back.  She said that it would be because I would find my purpose there.  Of course, I had to ask her what my purpose is.  She responded very simply, "To help people."  Then, there was silence.

Nichole nailed it.  (Of course, she has the knowledge of a best friend, so she knows me very well.)  Everything that I've been working to incorporate into my life revolves around this purpose.  When I can't do this purpose, that's when I get depressed.  When I can't fix something or make something all better, it gets me down.  It's the reason I loved being a part of leadership teams.  I felt like that "position" could help people by the decisions I make.  It's the natural leader in me too.  I wanted so badly to fix my parents' marriage because I saw people hurting.  I care about people who aren't feeling well, and while I don't have the power to heal them, I love being able to nurture them.  And perhaps that is the mini-mom in me too.  Everything I do, I try to help people.

So, I think my wanting to run away to Africa is to help people.  And perhaps Nichole knew that I'm feeling exhausted and defeated here in America.  It seems like everywhere around me, there are people I can't help.  But, somehow I know that there are more people who are hurting that I can help.  I just haven't been in a place to see them before now.  Though, don't get me wrong...I still want to go to Africa.  I just know that I still have purpose.

Amidst all that's been said about what this purpose is, I think Nichole and I both know the best way to help people.  Sure, I can build a well that gives clean water and I can administer vaccines to people to prevent STDs.  I can play with children and let them know that they are loved and I can hand out food to those who have nothing.  I can do that here and there.  But, the absolute best thing that I have to offer is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  The best thing I can do is let them know that, yes, I love them, but Someone greater than I loves them more than anyone will ever comprehend.  I can't give them peace that lasts without connecting it to Jesus.  So, the Great Commission is my purpose.  And my life verse(s) is what I give.

"He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary, 

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 40:29-31 (NIV)

My Role

Today was pretty awesome, aside from the pain.  I was at the women's retreat at my church in my college town.  It was a good retreat, but more than that I was able to educate so many people about fibromyalgia and chronic pain.  I love to tell people all about the illness(es) and what it is like for someone to live with this illness.  I really can do without the pity party.  Sorry-s don't mean much to me when so many people are living in ignorance about this illness.  So, I'd rather educate them and tell them about it.  I'll tell them what medicines and treatments are available and what I do outside of the medical world to get relief!  It's really encouraging to know that others are interested in learning about the illness too.  I just have to make it relevant for them to know in order for the interest to be there, or their already listening heart.  :-) 

My friend Nichole and I have decided that we are going to put together a workshop about chronic pain and living with it.  We want it to be available for everyone, whether one is suffering from chronic pain or family, friends, or a complete stranger to the idea of chronic pain.  I would love for it to be well-known enough that we begin to get requests from those around us to come and do it at their work, hospital staff, church or wherever!  In it, we hope to talk about illnesses that cause chronic pain and how those with the pain cope with it, a list of things to say and things not to say, and to share a few stories from people with chronic pain as well as our own stories.  I am getting SUPER excited to begin preparing it over the summer, which is quickly approaching.

Another thing that I determined today was that my calling is still to be a pastor.  As much as I want to deny it and avoid it, it is my God-given calling.  I know that I have been through the hell of life to prepare me for this.  I honestly dislike God for allowing it to happen.  But, as we work through our struggles (well, my struggles), I'm finding that my passion still lies in the ministry.  I love writing and editing.  I love reading and playing music.  But, I LOVE being in the church.  I love bringing people to know and love Christ.  Even when I'm mad at God for the crap that I've been through, I still know that He is there.  And I think His presence is what really keeps me going.  I know that I'm not alone.  I may not always believe that He has the best interest in mind for me, but I know that He will always be there.  So, there's my nice little revelation for the day.  I don't know what is going to happen between the chronic pain workshop this summer and the creative writing major, but I know that He will be there.  And eventually, I will be a pastor.  I may still be able to write and edit and play music for a living.  But, it will happen. 

I will say that I am not starting up with the pastoral process right away.  I need time to digest and figure out who I am in Christ. 

So for now, my role is an educator.  To educate people about chronic pain.  To educate people about living a life in God's presence.  And to educate people about Him.  Perhaps not in leadership or in that pastoral role.  But, as an ordinary human being put on earth for the glory of God.  That's my role. 

My Wilderness

I know my posts have been down and depressing recently.  I'm sure it looks as though I am giving up.  It seems like I don't want to go on in this day-to-day life of chronic pain.  And to an extent, I'd have to tell you that you are right.  I don't want to be in pain.  The pain is bad enough without the "side effects" of being in chronic pain.  Right now, I'm in what I call my wilderness. 

I call it this for a few reasons.  One of which is that Jesus had a time of testing in the wilderness.  There He ate no food and prepared Himself for the ministry to come.  I knew this time would come for me when I was called to be a pastor.  When I was called, I had experienced very little of life.  I asked God to prepare me for what was to come.  The next day, my Bible study looked at Matthew 4, which speaks of Jesus' time in the wilderness.  I knew, then, that my time would come.  But now, I can see that time in my life. 

A second reason that I call it my wilderness is because of Job's story.  Crap happens to him and he questions God.  He questions why his family and health has been taken from him.  Now, my family isn't gone as in GONE.  However, my family has been torn apart by divorce and continually has trial after trial to go through.  My health has become a huge concern for me lately.  And while I don't have cancer nor anything people can see, the illness is still there.  I struggle with why God made me this way.  Why did He allow this on me and so many other wonderful people in this world?!  I recognize that He is God and we're working through the issues between us, but I feel like I'm in Job's story as he went through his wilderness.

The third reason I call it my wilderness is harder to talk about than the other two reasons.  I think about the places we call a wilderness.  Some are dry while others are excessively wet.  Deserts often pop into our minds.  We see one person meandering their way through a place searching for someone or some help.  They are alone.  I know I have some support in this life.  I know that others are right beside me in this battle against the health issues that have arisen.  BUT...I still feel alone in the battle.  I still feel like I'm searching for who I am, and no one else can do that for me.  I still feel like I am searching for my purpose and some direction in my life. 

I don't know if you can see the "me" in the wilderness.  I don't know if you can help in any way.  But I do ask you to be patient with me.  Be patient as I struggle with these things and question God.  Be patient as I doubt. Be patient as I learn how to deal with what's happening.

Sure...I have only been dealing with this for approximately four months, and with depression for much longer.  But, that means that in the last four months, I have learned to deal with a whole lot of stuff.  I have learned how to deal with doctors and pharmacists.  I have learned how to make appointments when needed and find doctors to help me.  I have learned how to fire a doctor.  I have learned a great deal about pain and living with it.  I've learned how to deal with fatigue and severe depression.  I've learned how to stay active, though in pain, and how to adjust my diet to suit my body.  And I'm still learning.  So please be patient. 

I'm in my wilderness and I'm searching for me in all of life's experiences...

Troublemaker

So, I'm beginning to show my lil' sister the movie, The Passion of the Christ.  I haven't seen it in YEARS so I figured this Easter season...I'm due.  Hopefully I don't get in trouble with my momma for showin' her it.  However, I feel like she is mature enough in both life and spiritually to handle the movie.  So, I've already had to give her a few tips on who is who and where in the story the movie is.  It doesn't help that the movie is in subtitles...Haha. 

Anyhow, I'm going to watch the move now.  Just wanted to declare that I am being a trouble maker just by showing her the movie.  Guess we'll see if we get through it tonight...and how well we sleep!  Haha!  :) 

Eloi, Eloi!!!

Good Friday.  Holy Friday.  Great Friday.  Sad Friday.  So many names for one of the least favorite holidays of the Christian year.  However, it is one of my favorite days.  Actually, it is my favorite "holiday."  It isn't because Jesus died today, although that's greatly remembered.  But it is through the solemness of my day that I find peace.  Through the peace, I find atonement which can only happen if Jesus dies. 

We can only understand the true joy and meaning of Easter if we understand the true meaning of Holy Friday. 

So, it's a favorite.  Dearly sorry to those who disagree.  Anyhow, going on...I love what is cried out on the cross as it is written in Mark 15.  It is because it holds a deep meaning within the words.  It's from Psalm 22.  And unlike some theologies, I don't believe that Jesus was calling Himself forsaken by Himself (God).  I believe that Jesus was showing us a way to express our suffering and a promise of the lament.  There are always two parts to the lament (same with Psalm 22).  There is the suffering cry and then there is the praise/affirmation.  So, even just by crying out on the cross, there's still a lesson to be learned.  Sorry for those of you who think I'm going to far with it...but it's just where my heart lies. 

I think this is all I'll post tonight, as I have a busy night ahead of me.  Lots of thinking being done.  Lots of self-examination being done.  But hey, that's what today is all about.  It's Holy Friday. 

Today

So, this post definitely won't be long because of the following information:

OWWWWW!

And going on with life...I had a pretty fantastic day.  Part of it was spent on the campus where I will spend my remaining years of college, which was awesome.  Lots of great news, see post below if ya want to know how it went.  Furthermore, I have gotten to spend time with my adopted sister, found out lots of interesting things, and I had a steak.  Very much exciting.  It was a cheap steak, but a steak nonetheless.  :)

Anyhow, I went to the Maundy Thursday service with her and it was quite different than the usual service that I can recite...although it was much like a Good Friday service, which I'll go to tomorrow.  Haha.  But, hopefully I get a chance to write about my thoughts, especially during the communion time.  Because I sit near the front, okay...the front row, of this church, I hear the pastors as they give the communion elements.  Most pastors seem to have the generic "This is the body of Christ given for you" and "This is the blood of Christ shed for you."  However, some like to shake things up a bit.  So, I was listening to the pastor tonight who kept saying over and over and over "This is the body of Jesus and He gave Himself up for you."  But what really struck me was that she meant it every single time and even with the children, she said "This is from Jesus and He loves you very much."  <--- That makes me smile.  And watching a lil' girl pray at the altar was just priceless.  It reminded me of when I was little...AND I MEAN REALLY little. :)  Maybe I'll speak more about what really got to me latter.  But not now.

HANDS are TOAST for tonight.  One more email and that'll be it.  Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.  Too many bad days in a row discourage me.  So yeah.  That was today!  All in all, minus the pain, it was an interesting day!  A fun day!  A good day!

Transformation

It's been about a month since the beginning of Lent.  While I am not very excited that most of my commitment has been revised, I am still VERY pleased with the transformation that has occurred in my life.  

I suppose it is silly to say, but I'll say it anyway.  I used to think of my life in Facebook statuses.  I used to view events in my life or conversations through my Facebook lenses.  How could I make this into a clever Facebook status?  But more than that, I think I made my life incredibly fake by doing that.  I was no longer able to be me!  I wasn't able to figure out who I was because I was always trying to "please" others through what I put on Facebook.  And when my statuses grew sad, I displeased my audience.  I can't do that anymore.  I think that's one of the reasons I love blogging.  I can put anything on here and shove it off as "It's my blog."  But it really is.  This is how I feel and what I've learned.  All sorts of things go on my blog!  :)  

I'm really praying about Facebook.  I have about two weeks to decide if I'm going to go back to it or not.  And how active I want to be on it.  I suppose a break means that I shouldn't think about it, but I think it will be good for me to evaluate it and make a plan so that if I choose to go back to it and not delete my account I won't regret it.  I don't want it to be a distraction between Jesus and me, nor in figuring out who I am.  So, I guess we'll see how that goes.  

I am really confused right now about where God is leading me.  I feel like part of me wants a normal job, whereas part of me doesn't know anything other than being a pastor.  So, that's another thing to watch and see what happens.  I really don't know if I'm in a place right now, physically or emotionally, that I could pastor a church or even continue with the process.  I know that may be a disappointment to some.  But, I need to take care of me right now.  So, finding a course that I can take to get a "normal" job may be something of use.  A plan "B" perhaps since I'm no longer interested in teaching music and pastoring is on the back-burner right now.  So, hopefully I didn't depress anyone with mentioning this, I just felt the need to get it out there.  

What else can I mention?!  Oh, I'll be going to a woman's retreat with my church the last weekend of April.  It's just here in town, so it really isn't that big of a deal.  But, I think it will be good just to have something to do.  And, it's a good something!  

Ummm...I'm praying about incorporating gluten back into my diet.  I am not sure if it is still doing me good to be off of it.  I noticed some pretty big differences when I ate it last time.  But, now that I'm on an anti-inflammatory drug, I wonder if it may be unnecessary to be gluten free now, since being gluten free reduced inflammation.  So, I don't know.  It did seem to help with the fibromyalgia pain though.  And, I've adjusted meds for that too. So, just a thought.  I'm not sure when or if I will even.  I just don't want to gain back the weight I've lost going gluten free either!  Twenty pounds comes and goes so quickly!  ;)

Is there anything else I'm missing?!  I cleaned my room today.  LOTS of Spring cleaning.  My body hates me now.  I'm sitting in bed while my body continues to die from the 4.5 hour cleaning extravaganza.  HOWEVER, my room looks great and is nice and organized for the upcoming move.  

Midway...After pulling everything out of my closet!

After it was ALL done! :)  Do ignore the only mess left: a pile of clothes in my closet on the shelf!

See!  Nothin' under by bed either!  Except a few dust bunnies!

I'm debating whether or not to go home this upcoming weekend for Palm Sunday.  How crazy is that?!  That would mean that I would be home less than a week apart.  (Home Friday to Sunday, and then back at home Wednesday night or Thursday morning.)  Anyhow, I don't know.  I love the service back at home for Palm Sunday.  So much money for fuel though.  I'm not sure I want to do that.  We'll see.  

Alright.  I think that's all I have for you.  I'm getting annoyed with my computer for over-heating while playing Netflix.  So, we shall see how it does...as well as all the other crazy things that I mentioned we'll wait and see with in this blog post!  Haha.  The transformation has begun and will never end...But, it certainly is a journey!  A journey to reclaim my existence as a perfect child of God!   

Going Out on a Limb

I did something completely out of my nature tonight.  Most of the time, I sit and I think these things through.  Usually I wait and pray for some sort of guidance.  I don't usually do things spontaneously.  I don't go out on a limb.  Especially when it comes to a thin limb.

Believe it or not, I've been thinking about doing something like this for a long time.  I see other people manage it.  I see them sending in checks.  I see them receiving letters and pictures.  I see them sending little gifts with letters tucked inside.  I've wanted to for a long time.  But apparently, the time was right tonight.  I hadn't really prayed about it.  But I knew I should.  

Her name is Grace.  She is 3 years-old and she is from Kenya.  She was born in June.  She loves to color and play baseball.  

I couldn't stop myself.  I'm going out on a limb.  I was only looking into sponsorship, with no intentions of doing so tonight.  But my heart sank as I looked at her picture.  I know that I can make her life 100% better by doing this.  And I don't care that I run on money given to me by my parents.  It shouldn't be that way for long.  So, for now, they can deal with it and I'll support her as soon as I can.  I just couldn't wait.  

I did something spontaneous and made someone else's life better.  I feel good.  Rachel was right the day she told me that I should do something spontaneous every day.  It does change things up...which makes life that much more exciting.  

So, sure.  I am going out on a limb.  Especially since I will probably be lectured by my parent(s) when they find out about this.  But, I don't care.  For once I feel like I'm making a difference of some sort out of my bedroom and my own little world.  I'm making a difference in Grace's life and the life of her community in Kenya.  Who knew going out on a limb could feel so good?!

Lessons

It's been a while, like a couple weeks at least, since I last prayed the rosary.  Well, that was before tonight.  But tonight, I prayed it and it took a lot longer than it usually does.  No, it's not because in two weeks I forgot the prayers and got out of my usual rhythm.  In fact, I think it is because I remembered the prayers.  My lips just moved slower tonight.  I became completely enveloped in the presence of God.  I prayed a mystery that I don't usually pray.  Actually, I'm pretty sure this was only my third time praying it!  But, it went further than the mystery.  I like this set of mysteries - the Luminous - because they are on Jesus' teachings and specific parts of His life.  So, I really got to the point of meditation on the mystery to where I didn't pay attention to the prayers at all really.  I just focused on the mystery and how it relates to my life.  Such as the one about the Wedding in Cana...I was meditating on the story and Christian marriage, and then I begin to think about my own love life and its non-existence.  But I begin to look at it in a different way to see that, yes, Christian marriage is important, but so is the fact that Jesus socialized.  He didn't close Himself off from the world.  He immersed Himself in the culture without sinning.  Or the mystery of the Proclamation of the Kingdom of God and all of the teachings that Jesus said one must do to get into the Kingdom.  And so I worked through those.  

I've been trying to do the math for how long a "Hail Mary" took tonight, but I really don't care all that much.  I'm just glad that I'm at peace and relaxed right now.  It is helping my headache that began to turn into a migraine and it is helping my body to release all the tension that it has held for most of the day.  I'm just glad that I picked up my rosary tonight.  

One of the things that has really been nagging at me lately is my lack of time set aside for prayer.  I made the commitment for Lent to give God 30 minutes of my time to be devoted to studying Scripture, which was part of my Christian life that seemed to have dropped out.  In the meantime, I'm realizing how lacking my prayer life is.  It's been kind of stale.  A lot of my voice, and not a lot of His.  I've done a lot of yelling lately, and not a lot of listening to His rebuttal.  I guess that's what happens when you build up anger towards God.  But it's a hard fall when you have to humble yourself before the King.  Anyhow, I guess what I'm saying is that I want my prayer life to be more than what it is right now.  And to do that, I guess I need to set aside time, not only to talk/yell, but also to listen.  Somehow, I feel like that time is going to be early, VERY early in the mornings.  Mark 1:35 is really kickin' me in the butt right now!!!  Haha.  So, who knows what will be in my future!  We'll just see where God takes me.  It's a start.  Learning to trust and being willing to sacrifice something I hold dear to my being (sleep) in order to take lessons in trust is something significant in my life.  So, that's all I have for you!  

Gotta Reason for Livin'

Growing up, I remember singing this song in Sunday school.  Back then, I think I just liked it because of the tune and the crazy beat behind it.  Perhaps someday I will actually record it for you.  But I wanted to share the words with you because they stand out today.  It's like I have my life back.  It's like I finally can live again.  It reminds me how circular this faith is.  We screw up, we ask for forgiveness, God forgives us, life is great, we screw up again, repeat.  Ya know, that isn't the way I want to live my life.  Sometime, this cycle has got to break. But more than that, there is purpose behind living.  There is purpose in pushing past all this ridiculous pain whether it is physical or emotional pain.  There is purpose in this life.  So, anyhow, I won't talk about the song, rather I will let you read and soak in the lyrics.  And just imagine a 7-year old girl, with brown hair and a big 'ol pink headband, wearin' a cute lil' dress, swingin' her hips back and forth singin' it with some sort of jazzy spin!  

Gotta Reason for Livin'

Gotta reason for livin' again (woah-o)!
Gotta reason for laughin' again (woah-o)!
Gotta reason for lovin' again,
I've got the love of God in my heart.

Monday, I was all alone,
Tuesday, I had some sin to atone,
Wednesday, I cried and cried,
Thursday, Lord I thought I did die.
Friday, I started to pray.
Saturday, I read my Bible today.
Sunday, Lord the heavens did part,
I've got the love of God in my heart.  

Gotta reason for livin' again (woah-o)!
Gotta reason for laughin' again (woah-o)!
Gotta reason for lovin' again,
I've got the love of God in my heart.

Ya know, I said that I wasn't going to say anything more about the song, but I realized as I was typing that it hits home with me as I think about last September.  I don't know if I wrote anything on my blog about this...but I think my parents both know now, and if not, well I guess you both can know.  But I honestly was considering suicide.  I think about my mom's question when I checked the little box for yes at the drs office last week..."Now, WHY IN THE WORLD would my daughter ever consider doing something like that?!"  And while she doesn't understand the place I was at back then, I do...and I can remember it like it was yesterday.  And as I think, I remember the pain I was experiencing.  And I think about how alone I felt.  It was like experiencing a Monday over and over again.  I think about my only want that day was to know that someone loved me.  And God pulled through and showed me that just one person, and I know there are more out there, but one person was able to say that she loved me and save me from doing something that I probably would have regretted (because I probably would have failed at my attempt).  And so, I think back to that day when I think about that song.  I do have a reason for livin'.  I have a reason to laugh, even when times are rough.  I have a reason to love, because someone loved me and that saved my life.  I have a reason to live because God loved me first and died for me.  And by dying a horrible unjust death, he saved my life eternally!!!  If that isn't a reason to live, then I don't know what is.  How can I take a life that I don't deserve at all, but that has been saved by someone and that Someone was GOD!  Talk about amazing.  Anyhow, I just wanted to share that with you.  Happy Thursday!  LOL!

The Beauty of the Morning

*When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus’ body. Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?” - Mark 16:1-3 (NIV)

I love mornings.  I always have.  I love mornings, like this one, where I can wake up at my own will to see the sunrise coming in my apartment window...even though my window faces north.  Haha.  I love waking up and being able to ease my way into my day.  I can do my devotion time if I want to.  I can make a good breakfast, waffles and sausage.  Mmmm.  I can write or read.  And when I'm ready to begin my work day, I can shower and get ready leisurely.  I don't like my mornings to be rushed.  

I can just imagine the women headed to the tomb.  By this point in time, they've had all the Sabbath day to try and rest with what happened to Jesus the night before.  But I can imagine their thoughts.  Thoughts of how the body will smell.  Thoughts of what spices and oils to grab on the way out the door.  Thoughts of how they will even get the tomb open!  They wake up and they already have a million things on their mind about their day.  Their morning is rushed, and before their day really even gets going, it turns out that Jesus has risen.  There is no body to be oiled.  There is no worries about the tomb stone being too big to roll back.  Jesus turns their crazy, hectic "Monday" morning into a beautiful one (that is, after they momentarily freak out about where the body went...).    

I wonder how many of us wake up already stressed about the day.  I know I'm guilty of this often.  However, each day is a gift from God.  Each day is one to be remembered.  Each day, God provides what we need.  Sure, there might be a few surprises that cause momentary freak outs...but there is beauty in the morning.  There is beauty in seeing the sunrise in all its splendor.  There is beauty in each day.  It might not be as obvious as a tombstone rolled back...but it is certainly there.  

Enjoy today for what it is...A gift from God. 

Kingdom Stories

Each one of us has a story.  I'm beginning to really grasp this concept as I walk about campus and walk the aisle of church.  Today, I sat in a small, rather hot, office talking to a woman named Lori.  She is a pastor and I heard her story.  And it seemed like she was telling me the same thing over and over: The world is broken, the kingdom of God is to come now, not later.  I just love the idea of bringing the kingdom of God to earth NOW!  Not when Jesus comes.  Now.  

Every single person on this planet is called to ministry.  Not everyone is called to be a pastor, but everyone is called to serve the kingdom of God.  This means transforming people's lives by showing them Jesus in both word and action.  I want to be able to show people the God who brings comfort and hope, as well as judgment.  I don't ever want to lose sight of the KING part of God.  Yes, He is TRULY my Heavenly Daddy and His love is definitely seen.  But there is also that part of Him that deserves fear and reverence.  It's the part of Him that makes me get on my knees to beg for forgiveness or petition for a need.  It's the part that when He walks my way I tremble in awe of His majesty and beauty, even if the only shot I get of Him is of His backside!  (Gotta love 1 Kings 19)  

We all have a kingdom story.  We all have a story about what God has done in our lives and what God did for us on the cross.  We all can have that Father in our life that we need to love and encourage us.  And we have the King aspect of God that is there to judge, but also to give us someone to tremble in awe and beg for our needs.  We all have a story.  The true question is...

Are you willing to share it?