Xenophobic Future

Xenophobia is the "fear of the foreign, especially strangers, or that which is foreign or strange."  So I'm predicting my future to be xenophobic.  I have no idea what lies ahead.  After quitting school, I realized how much relief it put on my body, but the stress it caused in realizing what I wanted to do with my life.  Some of you may think that I am still meant to be a United Methodist pastor, and while that may be the case, things would have to change in the church before I could take those steps.  They don't accept just everyone of sexual orientation to preach the Word of God and love people.  SO, there is that.  I'm not going to stop being who I am for a rule.  Some of you may think that I should have been a music teacher....WRONG!!!  Couldn't stand my hobby being a career!  And some of you may think that I should be an editor, English teacher, going to Africa, etc.  Only one of those will still happen - I will still go to Africa one day, because I WANT TO!  Everything is very foreign to me because I didn't plan all of this from the start.  My job is holding on by threads because of the limited hours they have to offer and I NEED more hours.  ANYWAY, I want to go back to school, but I want to go to a trade school - Massage Therapy School.  And I need a job closer to home.  I know that I can do it.  SO, I'll be applying soon and hoping for financial aid.  But, I also want my parents to stop claiming me as a dependent on their taxes.  Besides that, not much is going on since we have no money to do anything that we want to do.  I'm not as happy as I was initially, but I think that is just because of the stress that is on right now since Nichole was dumped on as sole provider for me.  ALTHOUGH, Dad does help out quite a bit with the rent, phone bill, and my car insurance.

That's all I wanted to rant about for now.  Hope you didn't mind!

Millions of Miles

In one day, the Earth travels approximately 1.598 million miles from its initial position. Since I last wrote, we have traveled quite far.  It's been about a month so I will separate the updates into sections like I did the last post.

Health
Nothing has really changed here.  I've been on this patch for a while now.  I like it, but I still have to take my pain meds every once in a while to help the pain.  Right now, I'm in the middle of a lupus flare.  I know this by a few reasons......1) My face is vividly showing the lupus butterfly rash and the rash is seen on other parts of my body.  2) I am in pain.  Duh!  My joints hurt.  My hips and lower back are killing me as well as my hands and toes!  Believe it or not, my lil' toe does hurt!  Haha.  3) I feel like I have the flu.  Every day.  It really is horrendous.  I wish I could get rid of this part because it makes my fatigue worse and my body is nauseous, etc. I can only hope that this flare will end soon and I will be feeling much better soon!

School
I have decided that I will not be returning to school in Spring of 2012.  This is due to getting my health in order as well as a few personal reasons that are not going to be shared on the world wide web.  I am terribly excited to have this break although I will miss the learning that happens with school.  I need to refocus myself on what I want to do and who I want to be in this life before I return to get degrees and certifications.  After losing Jalen, who was my constant lil' reminder of who I need to be, I lost my way.  A lot of prep work didn't get done in order to switch schools for the Spring so I'm concerned it would be useless to try and attend school without that work being done.  I am not concerned that I will get too busy to return to school.  I am pretty set on going back to school.  I know who I am and so I will....WILL return to school in the Fall.

Family
Considering Christmas just passed and the new year is approaching, family is doing well.  I got to see some of my family this year.  Work prohibited me from seeing my family on Christmas Eve with the exception of seeing Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Davine late in the night!  And I've worked all of this week except for yesterday, which I spent with my Dad and lil' sibs!  :)  Oh, and I'll work the rest of this week too!  So, work is going well, I suppose.  I just hate that all the managers are guys, so no one gets it and my coworkers don't understand me whatsoever.  But, I suppose that's how it goes.
Anyway, family.  So, I had my first Christmas with Nichole.  I loved it.  She is such an amazing woman that I couldn't help but overspend for her.  PLUS, I got some amazing things from her.  She bought us a comforter/sheet set.  It is by far the most comfortable comforter EVER!  Oh, and we have an awesome family game called SCRABBLE!!! :)  We've had a lot of fun playing many times.  It's been hard finding time with each other since she started working nights.  I honestly hate that our schedules do not go together at all!  It makes me crazy when I get home and she is leaving for the night.  But, I suppose that is how it goes.  We do get some time to ourselves, but I wish it were at normal hours of the day when we didn't have 15 billion other things to do and take care of.  BUT...Christmas was phenomenal.  We got to spend it with both of our families over the 3 day Christmas celebration.  :)

Well....I think that's about all I need to update you all on.  OH...We did move at the end of November.  So we are closer to everything.  But we are millions of miles away from yesterday and even further from where we were at the beginning of our relationship.  We are stronger than ever in each other and in our love.  We take each day at a time and if there is one thing we never do we never take love for granted.  "I love you" are the most powerful words of our day.  And they are said often!  :)

Have a great day!!!

Oh....and I love you, Nichole!!! :)

Shift in the Wind

I know I have been an absolutely horrible blogger as of late.  And I know I probably say that every time.  BUT SERIOUSLY!!!  I mean it.  So, needless to say, I have a lot to mention....

I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!!  I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE).  I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it.  I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it.  At least I have answers when some people don't even have those!  Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect.  I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable.  I feel like I have the flu, only not really.  It feels worse.  And it feels worse every day.  I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day.  There are worse days, but never better days.  So, my normal day becomes a good day.  That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there.  I couldn't sleep last night.  I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable).  I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!!  SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......

A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good.  She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well.  The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk.  My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome.  Other than that, things with the family are pretty good.  Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack.  And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies).  They made the move quick and easy.  ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!!  ;)

SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life.  I want to be a school nurse.  Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know.  The average college student changes their major 5 times.  I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time.  BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again.  Why?

I love kids.

I love helping people.

I love educating people.

Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher.  So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me.  I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth.  (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.)  I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel.  But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything.  I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though.  And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help.  And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health.  Perhaps I'm crazy.

I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing.  A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people.  I want to help people in this way.  And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead.  I am good at the sciences anyway.  They come easily to me.  I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school.  LOL!!!

While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that.  I think.  I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.

It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups.  Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level.  And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind.  Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.

Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........

Trapped & Turmoil

I feel trapped.

No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it.  And no.  Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is.  I could end the relationship if I wanted to.  And no.  I don't want to end the relationship.

Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.

No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen.  Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls.  SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea.  And that brings me to why I feel trapped.

Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions.  Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act.  Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will.  And I'm done listening to them.  My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo.  I'm trapped.  I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.

For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry.  For once I'm starting to live my life and love it.  I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be.  When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect.  It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke.  It is very real.  And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not.  I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love!  We want your support and your love.

With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live.  Recently, quite a few changes have taken place.  I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church.  I have changed my major umpteen million times.  I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa.  I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic.  Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered.  But all through it, I've begun to find myself.  I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me.  I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me.  It doesn't work that way.  You get to live your life, please let me live mine.  You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do.  But, I'm happy where I am at.  I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me.  It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.

In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture.  A society that is so set in stone is dangerous.  I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves.  This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV).  It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.

So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams.  It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all.  Thanks.  And respectfully comment if you so choose.

Ketchup

I haven't updated you all in a while, so I thought I'd do a "Ketchup" post.  :)

All in all, I've been pretty good.  This past weekend, I went down to the beach with my mom, her fiancee, his kid, my sister, my littlest brother Jacob.  I had a good time.  Wednesday night, after dance class, we headed down to Alabama where we picked up him and his crew.  We didn't get in until SUPER late, or early...6am?!  Then we snoozed for a lil' while at his place.  Then, we packed our bags and hit the road for the beach.  This trip was quite the ordeal as it was one of the few times that I was going down to AL, but also going gluten free.

It seems like everything in the south is fried.  You've got fried tomatoes, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried ANYTHING?!  So, getting food was quite the challenge.  The first two places we ate were a major fail.  One night my plate had a roll on it.  The second night I had fried jalapeno hushpuppies.  Then we began to eat at places that were a little more friendly to me.  One place had an allergy menu, so I could cross gluten off the list.  The manager had to come and take my order and then brought out my food.  It was so comforting knowing that they cared about people who couldn't eat gluten.  The next place had a gluten free menu, so I just ordered off of it.  I know my family isn't used to having someone around with food allergies, and I know my mom isn't a fan of this diet, but I think after this weekend, they are beginning to adjust to it.  Even though they were impatient at times, they are beginning to see what I can eat and what I can't, which is a great start!  (And I even made a conscious choice to pray before each meal, even if I was doing it alone!!!)

Eating gluten free isn't the only thing my family learned while we were at the beach.  They also began to see that I can't do everything.  I talk about my health a lot on here because it limits a lot of what I can and can't do.  The first night at the beach, I was so worn out from the drive and lack of sleep that I couldn't even manage to get out of bed to go eat dinner.  The second night I was able to go out because I paced myself.  We also got to go play mini golf, during which I scored 2nd place!!!  That was exciting!  I wasn't able to spend Saturday on the beach because I had overdone myself the night before, but I was able to sit out with the family and play a game of Yahtzee!  Unfortunately, I scored in 2nd place again?!  Seemed to be a theme.  Sunday, I riled myself out of bed to go to Mass at 8 in the morning!  I was told we were to leave the condo at 10am, so I was under the impression that everyone would be pretty much packed and ready to load when I got back.  Yeah, apparently not.  Everyone was sleeping when I got back.  Not so great!  SO...I had a bowl of yummy goodness!  :-)

Meet Yummy Goodness.  This is a creation by Nichole, my best friend.  It is vanilla ice cream, covered in strawberries (which have been soaked in sugar), and caramel topping.  It is DELICIOUS!!!  I eat lots of this because it makes me happy.  Lol.  I made sure I had this down south too.  It is gluten free as all of the parts are gluten free! ;)  So, I had a bowl of this for breakfast after I got back from Mass.  BTW, Happy Pentecost half a week late!  Of course, we got up and out of there eventually, but I was exhausted from it all!  After the long 8 hour drive back from his place on Monday morning, Morgan and I had stage rehearsals.  Now, she did most of the dancing, but not being home killed me.  I also played around with the lights since I'm running lights this weekend and did a lil' dancing of my own for the alumni dance!  Around 10:15pm, I finally arrived home.  After unpacking, I crawled into bed grateful to have such a comfy bed!!!  It was certainly a weekend!!!

Since then, I haven't done much.  I got to go see Nichole for a little while yesterday.  I was happy to see her, although she wasn't so happy to go back to season ONE on Prison Break when she was at a cliff hanger on season THREE?!?!?!  But, she did...until she got her sister's computer to watch her episodes with headphones.  Lol.  Either way, we got to hang out for a while.  OH...We also painted our toes again!  I just put glitter on mine this week.  It made up for her super cute pink and green toes with flowers!!!  ;)

Anyhow, I am in a lot of pain today.  I hate how fibromyalgia works...Ya never know when a bad day will come.  But, I'll make it through.  Really wishing I could find a job...It is driving me crazy!  But, who knows?!  Someday someone will hire me.  Just hope it is sooner rather than later.  I'm wondering if I still have ice cream here...if so, Yummy Goodness will be an order.  Especially since I had M&Ms for breakfast.  Lol.  Great diet!  I know!  Hopefully this was a decent Ketchup!  Much love!

Day 46: UPDATE!

Hi Everyone!

So, I just wanted to give an update about everything that's going on in my life right now. This will probably end up being a ramble about head covering and divorce. Haha...

SO...It's been more than 45 days of head covering! I counted that this is day 46 of head covering. I still can't believe that it's been that long. THOUGH, some days, it seems like I've been covering all my life. I wonder how many times I will get asked the same questions over and over again! Why do you cover? But you're a Christian! Do you take everything in the Bible literally? Why would you cover such beautiful hair? Etc. Can't people be more creative in constructing their questions?! Granted, I did get one question a few weeks ago that I was really impressed by! It was regarding the pastoral ministry and covering my head. If I remember, I'll post it following this one!

Other than the bad questions, I have been feeling a nudge from God to try wearing my scarf "hijab" style, which seems to be accepted as the "Muslim look." I am still not sure on this one. I think the style is EXTREMELY comfortable. It doesn't push back my ears quite as tight as the bun style. I wrapped my head as such earlier today (and I have it as such again), but I couldn't bring myself to going out with it on. I don't think it really matters how I cover my head, as much as that I DO cover my head (in accordance with what God's will is for my life). I also think that I am afraid of rejection. I want people to like me. So, it's getting harder and harder to branch out and be different because the differences seem to be creating a separation between me and the world. God did say that we are to be "in" the world, but not "of" the world, so it really shouldn't be a problem. BUT, there is still that idea that people will not support me if I begin "to look like a Muslim." EVEN WORSE...I'm most afraid to wear it like a hijab around "church people." Sometime, I'll explain it...But long story short is that outsiders (non-Christians) are more OPEN-MINDED than some Christians are. Sad story, right?! Gotta love one denomination's view of their church...Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors. LOVE IT! :)

Anyhow, other than head covering...My parents divorce is either finalized or dismissed on Thursday (not tomorrow...Sept 30). SO, prayers that it all goes well and it is finalized with a "fair" settlement. Hopefully, my sibs and I will all adjust quickly and smoothly!

Another prayer request for my cousin Melissa who had surgery today and is having a few complications with the recovery process (high blood pressure). Surgery went well though, so a praise there!

Alright...I think that's enough for now! Oh, and here's a shout out to my Besties Julie and Nichole! You ladies are awesome and you truly keep me going when things get rough. Thanks for always being there for me! AND...For loving me MORE!

I'm out! Thanks for reading!