I know I have been an absolutely horrible blogger as of late. And I know I probably say that every time. BUT SERIOUSLY!!! I mean it. So, needless to say, I have a lot to mention....
I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!! I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE). I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it. I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it. At least I have answers when some people don't even have those! Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect. I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable. I feel like I have the flu, only not really. It feels worse. And it feels worse every day. I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day. There are worse days, but never better days. So, my normal day becomes a good day. That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable). I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!! SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......
A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good. She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well. The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk. My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome. Other than that, things with the family are pretty good. Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack. And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies). They made the move quick and easy. ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!! ;)
SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life. I want to be a school nurse. Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know. The average college student changes their major 5 times. I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time. BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again. Why?
I love kids.
I love helping people.
I love educating people.
Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher. So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me. I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth. (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.) I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel. But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything. I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though. And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help. And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health. Perhaps I'm crazy.
I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing. A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people. I want to help people in this way. And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead. I am good at the sciences anyway. They come easily to me. I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school. LOL!!!
While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that. I think. I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.
It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups. Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level. And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind. Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.
Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........
Showing posts with label flute. Show all posts
Showing posts with label flute. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
So much more...
Today was an absolutely horrible day...pain wise. I couldn't do anything for most of it but lay in bed. Every 45 minutes or so, I would have to get out of bed to reset the internet, but that was all I could do. I could hardly text and pushing the buttons on my heating pad became something to dread. FINALLY, about mid-afternoon, I started to crochet which was painful, but I enjoy it too much to abandon it. Plus, making a blanket is one of the things I will aim to do before I die. SO...I started today by making a pattern and getting approximately 5% of it done. YAY! :)
Because my PCP and rheumy do not feel like dealing with my pain, I called a couple pain management specialists today. I have an appointment on May 18th with one, however I'm afraid that all he is going to want to do is try injections. I don't feel like injections would help someone with my condition of fibromyalgia. Injections seem to do well for people with pain in one or two areas, not body wide pain. So, as much as I do not want to be on narcotics, I want relief from this pain. I need something for the really bad days like these that make me want to skip class and do nothing, talk to no one, and lay in bed bored and in pain. Gotta say, that's not the life I want to live. I don't want my biggest dread to be getting out of bed in the morning or to make dinner. That's not what I want for my life. So anyone that tells me that I just need to get over it and deal with the pain is a dumb-ass. (Excuse my language.) I am tired of this every day pain. I'm tired of this life that I've lived for the past months. No, it hasn't been years like others, but still. It isn't fair. You wouldn't want this life, and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. Even if I had an enemy to wish this upon, I never would do so.
Anyhow, I called another clinic and they do pain management programs, so there is paperwork to fill out and send in. After they review it, they will let me know if I'm accepted into the program. They are willing to do narcotics. So, yeah. I guess we will see how it goes and if I hear from them before May 18th. I'm just tired of being sick in a way that people can't see. I took my heating pad to my night class last night. It worked pretty well for allowing me to be there and half-way decently alive. But I can't tell you how belittled I feel these days. I did get to educate a few people on fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain, which is always exciting for me. The more awareness there is the better life will be.
I can't help but dreaming of all the things I wish I could do. The things I've done in the past that I want to do now and the things that I've always wanted to do. Sure, I'm a poor college student. And my parents weren't that smart with their finances. I can barely make it through school. But there is so much out there in this world that I wish I could do right now.
I want to be able to dance again. I want to have the energy to run and rehabilitate my knees (no matter what RA could be doing to my body). I want to be able to travel. To see the world for what it is, rather than the pictures in geography books. I want to be able to play the flute for hours until that two-measure passage is perfect. I want to be able to cook anything I want, whenever I want. I want to make a difference in this world.
I'm not being unrealistic. I'm not shooting for the moon (though that's possible these days). I'm just dreaming like any other person on this earth. I just wish I could make it happen. I wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish others with chronic pain didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish we didn't have such a hard life with our loved ones. I wish "outsiders" understood. I wish they could grasp exactly what they are saying. I know I wasn't perfect before fibro affected my life, but I tried so hard to understand. I researched so many conditions as soon as friends mentioned the possibility of them affecting their lives. I learned the symptoms and the treatments. I cared as much as I could. I wasn't perfect, but my friends, one in particular, saw my attempt and was grateful. I just wish more people tried, rather than being so ignorant. I wish that people could see the pain I'm feeling...not necessarily experience it, but to see what I'm dealing with every single day of my life.
Anyhow, my hands are crying out for me to stop typing, so I'm going to have to end this. But, I just wanted to give an update on life. This life sucks. The life I want isn't the life I have. There's no "Just deal with it" answer to this pain. It's so much more than what can be seen on the outside. So much more...
Because my PCP and rheumy do not feel like dealing with my pain, I called a couple pain management specialists today. I have an appointment on May 18th with one, however I'm afraid that all he is going to want to do is try injections. I don't feel like injections would help someone with my condition of fibromyalgia. Injections seem to do well for people with pain in one or two areas, not body wide pain. So, as much as I do not want to be on narcotics, I want relief from this pain. I need something for the really bad days like these that make me want to skip class and do nothing, talk to no one, and lay in bed bored and in pain. Gotta say, that's not the life I want to live. I don't want my biggest dread to be getting out of bed in the morning or to make dinner. That's not what I want for my life. So anyone that tells me that I just need to get over it and deal with the pain is a dumb-ass. (Excuse my language.) I am tired of this every day pain. I'm tired of this life that I've lived for the past months. No, it hasn't been years like others, but still. It isn't fair. You wouldn't want this life, and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone. Even if I had an enemy to wish this upon, I never would do so.
Anyhow, I called another clinic and they do pain management programs, so there is paperwork to fill out and send in. After they review it, they will let me know if I'm accepted into the program. They are willing to do narcotics. So, yeah. I guess we will see how it goes and if I hear from them before May 18th. I'm just tired of being sick in a way that people can't see. I took my heating pad to my night class last night. It worked pretty well for allowing me to be there and half-way decently alive. But I can't tell you how belittled I feel these days. I did get to educate a few people on fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain, which is always exciting for me. The more awareness there is the better life will be.
I can't help but dreaming of all the things I wish I could do. The things I've done in the past that I want to do now and the things that I've always wanted to do. Sure, I'm a poor college student. And my parents weren't that smart with their finances. I can barely make it through school. But there is so much out there in this world that I wish I could do right now.
I want to be able to dance again. I want to have the energy to run and rehabilitate my knees (no matter what RA could be doing to my body). I want to be able to travel. To see the world for what it is, rather than the pictures in geography books. I want to be able to play the flute for hours until that two-measure passage is perfect. I want to be able to cook anything I want, whenever I want. I want to make a difference in this world.
I'm not being unrealistic. I'm not shooting for the moon (though that's possible these days). I'm just dreaming like any other person on this earth. I just wish I could make it happen. I wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish others with chronic pain didn't have to deal with the pain. I wish we didn't have such a hard life with our loved ones. I wish "outsiders" understood. I wish they could grasp exactly what they are saying. I know I wasn't perfect before fibro affected my life, but I tried so hard to understand. I researched so many conditions as soon as friends mentioned the possibility of them affecting their lives. I learned the symptoms and the treatments. I cared as much as I could. I wasn't perfect, but my friends, one in particular, saw my attempt and was grateful. I just wish more people tried, rather than being so ignorant. I wish that people could see the pain I'm feeling...not necessarily experience it, but to see what I'm dealing with every single day of my life.
Anyhow, my hands are crying out for me to stop typing, so I'm going to have to end this. But, I just wanted to give an update on life. This life sucks. The life I want isn't the life I have. There's no "Just deal with it" answer to this pain. It's so much more than what can be seen on the outside. So much more...
Thursday, April 21, 2011
WAHOOOOOO!
(I'm a creeper.)
SO...I had my audition today for the school I'm transferring to...and it went FANTASTIC! I played well. And they are giving me scholarship money. I am SOOOO excited that they aren't making me do marching band to get scholarship money, which is awesome because, with my health, marching band honestly scares me! I think it is awesome that I get to play in the Wind Ensemble! AND...take flute lessons and play in the flute ensemble! My love for music is finally going to be utilized in some way, which I think is a pretty fantastic way!
Currently, I'm at my dad's place making food, since I was too frantic this morning to eat. (You would've thought that I've grown out of those days!) Anyhow, I'm super excited that all of my tuition will be paid for by scholarships, grants, and loans. Yes, I'll have to pay back the loans in the future, but it's a lot better than what it could be. So, yes. I'm thrilled and I just feel like saying that over and over and over!!!
I'm DEFINITELY transferring in the fall. There is NO question in my mind about that! YAY!
SO...I had my audition today for the school I'm transferring to...and it went FANTASTIC! I played well. And they are giving me scholarship money. I am SOOOO excited that they aren't making me do marching band to get scholarship money, which is awesome because, with my health, marching band honestly scares me! I think it is awesome that I get to play in the Wind Ensemble! AND...take flute lessons and play in the flute ensemble! My love for music is finally going to be utilized in some way, which I think is a pretty fantastic way!
Currently, I'm at my dad's place making food, since I was too frantic this morning to eat. (You would've thought that I've grown out of those days!) Anyhow, I'm super excited that all of my tuition will be paid for by scholarships, grants, and loans. Yes, I'll have to pay back the loans in the future, but it's a lot better than what it could be. So, yes. I'm thrilled and I just feel like saying that over and over and over!!!
I'm DEFINITELY transferring in the fall. There is NO question in my mind about that! YAY!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Alive and ???
As I near the end of my stinkin' long day, I have so much to say and so little time to do so. I hurt pretty badly tonight, so I don't know how much I will type or if I will even remember everything I want to talk about. Here's the brief form: auditions, bunnies, birthdays, Easter, FB fun, sista, life plans.
Auditions
I'm nervous for them. I know that I shouldn't be. But I am. More than that, I'm nervous about finding my way around campus tomorrow! I don't want to be "that kid." So, it doesn't help that I also didn't print the campus map before I left home. Hopefully I don't get turned around and that the campus becomes home VERY soon. I am looking forward to it though! I'm looking forward to being on the campus on a school day, meeting the music department staff and the financial aid counselor. So yeah! Wahoo. I love it when things start getting set in stone! :)
Life Plans
Yes, I know. I'm going out of order. I don't care. As for life plans, I think I am going to keep up with my creative writing english major. I am hoping to take some technical writing classes and do editing and publishing as a career. Not crossing off the other options, just not pursuing them at the moment.
Birthdays
My bro's sixth birthday is tomorrow! It is SOOO exciting for him. He was super excited tonight when I saw him. He looks so grown up too! I can't believe he is already turning six! CRAZY?!
Also, I've been thinking about various organizations/charities to donate money towards, so if you have any ideas, post 'em in the comments section! :) Thus far, I've been thinking about my child I'm sponsoring from World Vision and donating to her community. Or the endometriosis association. Or UMCOR for relief in Japan and/or Haiti. SO...Let me know your pick and/or suggestion! :) Oh, and this would be a donation in place of a gift to me for my bday in June!
Easter
Easter is almost here, and that means that family drama has picked up. Hoping it calms down soon. I'm worried about my Grandma too. She just seems to be pretty......ummmm......stressed. So, that makes me crazy. But, Easter is another holiday with traditions in place, so it's going to be weird when we stray from them and when it doesn't seem to go as tradition says we should. SO...We'll see. ;)
FB Fun
And with Easter here, I'm approximately a few days until FB returns. I'm not giving it up for good. I've prayed about it, and there's just too much on there that I can use for God's glory as well as a great communication device for college students. So, yeah. It's stayin'. However, I will have to watch myself to make sure I don't become completely dependent on it and that it doesn't steal away time from God. ALSO - I already know what my FB status is going to be as I get back on it. Lol. How crazy is that?! I'm looking forward to it. ;)
Sista
So, tonight, I got this amazing lil' crocheted bunny from my awesome older sista! And that refers to the magnificent Nichole! :) She isn't my sister by blood, but our friendship has definitely become more like family than just besties. Can you believe that she just leaves my orange juice cup sitting on the table until I take care of it? EVEN if it is like a week later?! Yeah, we're family. ;) Now, if only I could get her to come over to my place enough to have her do that...lol. Yeah, finances suck and make that nearly impossible right now. But that's okay. Soon enough we will be incredibly close!!! YAY!
BUNNIES!!!!!
The magnificent sister of mine has bunnies. They are adorable. ANYHOW, so I'm bunny-sitting while they are away on a cruise. And I've been pretty nervous about this whole thing for a while now, right! It doesn't help when she threatens our friendship based on the survival of these bunnies...and of course, she's said this for MUCH longer than just asking me to bunny-sit. Ha. SO, now that I'm bunny-sitting, I have been wondering if I can really handle such precious creatures. But tonight, as we were chasing the bunnies out from underneath her bed, I got to hold the stubborn one! :) Her name is Emily, and she is the most stubborn bunny EVER! I've been scared of her since like...Day one. (My poor sista who is finding all of this out...haha. I have been, you should have figured this out by now.) ANYHOW...I'm not so scared. I know that she will get to know me and that it will be okay. And I'm learning more and more how to handle them, which is comforting. I feel like the worst is over with. I have been able to hold Emily with her relatively calm as she can be! SO, I am at peace with the whole thing. The task doesn't seem so big and scary anymore. YAY! :D I love bunnies!!!
ALRIGHT...So I think that's all I have for you tonight. I'm in pretty intense pain from writing that, so I'm going to attempt this thing you people call sleep. Not sure how it will go, but hopefully it will go well. :) For now, I am alive and....BUNNIES!!!! :)
Auditions
I'm nervous for them. I know that I shouldn't be. But I am. More than that, I'm nervous about finding my way around campus tomorrow! I don't want to be "that kid." So, it doesn't help that I also didn't print the campus map before I left home. Hopefully I don't get turned around and that the campus becomes home VERY soon. I am looking forward to it though! I'm looking forward to being on the campus on a school day, meeting the music department staff and the financial aid counselor. So yeah! Wahoo. I love it when things start getting set in stone! :)
Life Plans
Yes, I know. I'm going out of order. I don't care. As for life plans, I think I am going to keep up with my creative writing english major. I am hoping to take some technical writing classes and do editing and publishing as a career. Not crossing off the other options, just not pursuing them at the moment.
Birthdays
My bro's sixth birthday is tomorrow! It is SOOO exciting for him. He was super excited tonight when I saw him. He looks so grown up too! I can't believe he is already turning six! CRAZY?!
Also, I've been thinking about various organizations/charities to donate money towards, so if you have any ideas, post 'em in the comments section! :) Thus far, I've been thinking about my child I'm sponsoring from World Vision and donating to her community. Or the endometriosis association. Or UMCOR for relief in Japan and/or Haiti. SO...Let me know your pick and/or suggestion! :) Oh, and this would be a donation in place of a gift to me for my bday in June!
Easter
Easter is almost here, and that means that family drama has picked up. Hoping it calms down soon. I'm worried about my Grandma too. She just seems to be pretty......ummmm......stressed. So, that makes me crazy. But, Easter is another holiday with traditions in place, so it's going to be weird when we stray from them and when it doesn't seem to go as tradition says we should. SO...We'll see. ;)
FB Fun
And with Easter here, I'm approximately a few days until FB returns. I'm not giving it up for good. I've prayed about it, and there's just too much on there that I can use for God's glory as well as a great communication device for college students. So, yeah. It's stayin'. However, I will have to watch myself to make sure I don't become completely dependent on it and that it doesn't steal away time from God. ALSO - I already know what my FB status is going to be as I get back on it. Lol. How crazy is that?! I'm looking forward to it. ;)
Sista
So, tonight, I got this amazing lil' crocheted bunny from my awesome older sista! And that refers to the magnificent Nichole! :) She isn't my sister by blood, but our friendship has definitely become more like family than just besties. Can you believe that she just leaves my orange juice cup sitting on the table until I take care of it? EVEN if it is like a week later?! Yeah, we're family. ;) Now, if only I could get her to come over to my place enough to have her do that...lol. Yeah, finances suck and make that nearly impossible right now. But that's okay. Soon enough we will be incredibly close!!! YAY!
BUNNIES!!!!!
The magnificent sister of mine has bunnies. They are adorable. ANYHOW, so I'm bunny-sitting while they are away on a cruise. And I've been pretty nervous about this whole thing for a while now, right! It doesn't help when she threatens our friendship based on the survival of these bunnies...and of course, she's said this for MUCH longer than just asking me to bunny-sit. Ha. SO, now that I'm bunny-sitting, I have been wondering if I can really handle such precious creatures. But tonight, as we were chasing the bunnies out from underneath her bed, I got to hold the stubborn one! :) Her name is Emily, and she is the most stubborn bunny EVER! I've been scared of her since like...Day one. (My poor sista who is finding all of this out...haha. I have been, you should have figured this out by now.) ANYHOW...I'm not so scared. I know that she will get to know me and that it will be okay. And I'm learning more and more how to handle them, which is comforting. I feel like the worst is over with. I have been able to hold Emily with her relatively calm as she can be! SO, I am at peace with the whole thing. The task doesn't seem so big and scary anymore. YAY! :D I love bunnies!!!
ALRIGHT...So I think that's all I have for you tonight. I'm in pretty intense pain from writing that, so I'm going to attempt this thing you people call sleep. Not sure how it will go, but hopefully it will go well. :) For now, I am alive and....BUNNIES!!!! :)
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