I shouldn't have to justify myself!
I shouldn't have to make an announcement to everyone about what I'm doing with my life. I shouldn't have to give reasons why I believe what I do. I don't feel like that furthers the kingdom of God! I really don't know how else to say this.
For those of you who care, I'm writing my justification as best as I can and as fully as I feel comfortable putting out there for the world to see. So here it goes.
I was led to the Catholic Church by God. While my experiences in the Catholic Church weren't the greatest as a kid, I learned more and more as I spoke with friends, especially during my high school years. Two of my friends sat at "The Christian Rejects' Table." (That's the name I gave to our lunch table.) These people who sat regularly with me for lunch became some of my closest friends. Two of them were Catholic. I think the discussions and debates that we had were steps in the right direction for me. While I didn't win all of them and neither did they, I think we made huge leaps in establishing our own views of the Church and, most importantly, Christ. I even began respecting their belief system by not eating meat on Fridays during Lent as well as giving up something more as a sacrifice and not being rude towards their opinions, no matter how wrong I thought they were. I too would make the sign of the cross when we prayed with each other. It was normal for me to become tolerant and explore other faiths as a high school student. I must say that by having quite a few faiths present, the discussions were great: Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Pagan, and Assembly of God. And this was merely high school.
As I moved into college, I began to explore the various campus ministries. I went to Green Room, which is a Methodist ministry, for quite a while. I served on leadership and played in the worship band. Then, we revised the ministry. I was no longer on leadership. I began to explore again. I couldn't just sit around and only go to the worship service. I tried to lead a small group (aka - life group), but the groups were discontinued after a while. I must admit that I believe that discontinuing the groups was a bad decision as I look back. Meanwhile, I went to a few Christian ministries that don't group themselves with a particular church. I also tried CCM. CCM is the Catholic Campus Ministry on Missouri State University's campus. (Yes, that's the school where I've spent the last two years of my life.) I went to a noon mass with a friend named Katie. (Hopefully she doesn't mind!) She really was an awesome example of the Catholic faith and made me want to explore it. I researched it a bit. I also want to know what all the things were that I was saying, or supposed to say. Now, I'm happy to announce that I can successfully make it through a noon mass, knowing all the words!!! Katie really encouraged me to come again, but because I couldn't take communion, I had a hard time going, though I loved the formality with which they approached communion. I learned the whereabouts of what one is supposed to do and where one should go within the service. I loved it though. It was a break from all of the busyness of the school day.
As the semester broke and I was headed into my second year at MSU, I was called to cover my head. I did NOT want to cover my head, yet I reluctantly followed God's prodding. I must admit that I loved covering once I got past it all. But, as I was researching it, I kept finding all these Christian women who covered their head...however, they were Catholic. While they were not nuns, they still covered. There's another time that I've dug into Scripture, but also the tradition of the church. Of course, that was the Church - the Catholic Church. So, I began doing all sort of research on Catholicism and wondered if the change might be good...however, there were still some doctrine that I didn't quite agree with.
This year has been phenomenal in regards to my spiritual life. I never would have guessed that I would become angry at God. But I did. I never would have thought that my best friend would walk away from me and classify me in her heart as unforgivable, but then turn back four months later and forgive me. I never would have thought that I would EVER be diagnosed with a chronic illness. But I was. I never would have thought that I would cover my head for a semester, even as a Muslim woman might...but I did. I never would have guessed that I would begin the ministry process. But I did. I never would have guessed that I would END the ministry process, but I did. You know, there are just things in your life that affect your spirituality. My parents divorced and my health declined. I became angry at God. It was just how it played out. I think what is so hard for me to grasp is how I grew from it all. Even when I was angry at God I was still growing. Even when I was classified as unforgivable, I was still growing. Even when I looked like a Muslim woman, I was still growing. I've grown from what I was a year ago and I won't stop growing.
God is taking me places in my life that I've never explored before. I'm not becoming a Catholic merely because I believe what a Catholic believes. It is more. More than I feel comfortable telling. But I'll give you a bit.
When I was angry at God, my devotional life completely declined. I lost my discipline. I lost the desire to want to know God. I became someone who was merely going through the motions. I don't want to be like that. I want a church where I can be pushed to grow. I want the accountability of confession. I want to be able to show that reverence to my Savior that I've lost somewhere. I found that in the Catholic church. I want to go to mass with the intent to worship God. I don't want to go there to evaluate the sermon and decide what I've learned. I want to go there to worship. I don't want to go to have a social life. I want to go there to worship. I think what I love most is that I still have the opportunity to learn and socialize outside of the hour of mass. And now that I've researched Catholicism more than ever, I know the backing behind every disagreement I've had. I can see where the Church is coming from and I'm okay with it. But, like I said, becoming a Catholic is more than theology for me. If it were merely theology, I would forget about it. But it isn't. It is a life decision. I wasn't hasty in making it either. It took years as I've written. And it's been turning in my mind for months. And it's been on my heart for weeks. And it's been put there by God.
One day, I will go to Africa. And I will teach children how to read and write. I will teach them how to take care of themselves. But more than that, I will teach them the reverence of God that I've embraced. I will teach them how God holds out His arms for them to come running to them on good days and bad days. I will show them how to study God's Word. I will show them the One who can bring hope and comfort to their lives. I will go to Africa. It may be dangerous. It may be a crazy idea. BUT...I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to regret it later in life by following what others want. I want to live my life in the way I see fit to further the kingdom of God. I am an adult, so I should be able to do that. I'm grateful for all my parents have taught me thus far. And they will continue to teach me. But I hope that they and you can understand that I can't justify every life decision that I make. I can't make everyone happy. So, I'm focusing on one - God.
I want to be a Catholic. And I want to go to Africa. I don't want to have to justify everything to you, because I hope that eventually it will become normal for me to stray away from the Motions we get caught in...
