Retreat

After giving Nichole a hard time about never closing the door of my bedroom, I must admit that I'm quite tired of hearing the weather reports over and over and over and over.......(*gets up to shut the door*)

Today, there has been quite a bit of bad storm weather in my part of the state!  Tornadoes have been showing their ugly rotation everywhere!  Communities have been pulling together to make things work out as best as they can.  So, when the storm got a lil' too ugly, I packed up my stuff and went down to the basement.  It was cool down in the basement, but once I got cuddled into a blanket, I was not far from falling asleep.  When I first got settled in, I decided to use the time as a break away from the computer.  I chose to pray the rosary for the storm, safety for family and friends, the victims, and how God might choose to work through the storms.  I found an incredible peace calm the storm within me.  I was reminded that I am not in control, but that God is fully in control.  I was reminded that it isn't about the decorations on the walls or the complexity of the shelving in my room, but that it is all about God and His grace to allow me to have a roof over my head.  I was reminded that my relationship with God isn't about everyone else, but about me and God.  (It seems funny, but it can get that way sometimes.)  It's nice to know that I am not in control and that I am not the one who has to make all the decisions.  My indecisiveness appreciates that.  But, that God is in control even when I feel things are out of control.

This storm was a chance for me to retreat from the world and figure out life, while the rain and wind went on and on today.  I was able to focus on what I need to do to perfect myself in order to become more holy like God (Mt. 5:48) and to focus on what I need to do to prepare myself for Africa (Mk 10:21).

M&Ms....

Recently, I was put on a muscle relaxer.  The muscle relaxer does pretty well, but the pill is powdery and has a HORRIBLE taste.  It actually makes me sick to my stomach if I take it and do not eat something or drink something to get rid of the taste.  Usually, I keep M&Ms around to help with that!  They have kind of been my constant companion since my best friend told me that they were gluten-free!  :)  I also eat them for comfort, which isn't the greatest, but they make me a lil' happier when I'm down in the dump!  

There's a lot that I try to do to make me feel better.  I think it is interesting how each person, especially those with chronic pain, has those things that help them make it through the day.  I must say that my number one comfort is praying, or even just holding, my rosary.  I love to clench the cross, even though my hand is all red after doing so.  I do like eating them M&Ms.  Watching Netflix is top on my list too.  Anything that requires little effort but takes the concentration off of the pain helps.  Crocheting is fun to do because of how relaxing it is and then there is the enjoyment of finishing a project.  I have never made anything for myself other than a couple scarves when I was first starting, so I'm really excited about this blanket I am making! :)  Obviously, I like writing blogs to get out emotion and thoughts.  I also like to research Africa and different missionary programs or trying to learn the language - Swahili.  OR, learning more about Catholic beliefs...but I have to be half-way decently alive for that to happen.  :)  Right now, I'm watching my best friend play Tap Tap on my iPhone...on the hard level.  I am not coordinated enough for that...so I would get very frustrated very easily by doing that.  

Anyhow, that's kinda my thoughts on things that try to make me feel better on bad days even with the whole muscle relaxer thing.  They help me keep going in this life that isn't so fantastic sometimes.  Mmmm...M&Ms! (*reaching for bag of M&Ms regularly kept next to the bed*)

PS...I want a job so I can get a bunny.  :)  Lol.  

Titles

Titles are so bothersome.  It takes me forever to come up with one that relates to exactly what I want to say.  They say that you shouldn't come up with a title until the end so that it clearly portrays what you want the reader to catch from the writing.  Others say that it gives you some sort of a starting place to go off of.  Today, I find them to be bothersome.  So, here's the rant of the day.

Doctor's appt went well.  It was short.  I had an EXTREMELY low blood pressure and I got lots of samples! :)  My doctor thinks that it is a stomach ulcer or gastritis.  So, he gave me some antacid to take that is stronger than what I would find in a store and told me to call him mid-week if I wasn't doing better.  If I'm not doing better, they will be takin' a scope to my stomach.  (Not wanting that to happen...really hoping it is just an ulcer!)  My medicines and their multiplicity may be eating the lining of my stomach.  Blah.  Anyhow...ulcer anyone???

In other news, the job hunt is going alright.  I applied at lots of hotels today, with a pretty good chance of getting a job at a couple.  So, we'll see.  Only bad part...they are about 40 minutes away from home.  But, it won't be as bad once school starts back up in august. 

My sister is with me these next couple of days.  Not sure how I feel about that.  We'll be sharing the bed and so I guess we will see if we can get along.  I'm not too worried about it.  She's pretty awesome.  And, she's gonna pray the rosary with me tonight.  After I explained to her what exactly it was.  Lol.  She has lots of homework though, and I'm nearly dying, so hopefully she gets done soon so I can pray and sleep!!! 

Trying to stay positive even when all else around me seems to be falling.  So, I'm praying to be able to stay positive, find a job, and stay afloat with my health.  One day, I will go to Africa...and whether my health allows me to go with a program or not, I will still go.  I will not let anything keep me from going...not debt or health or those I love.  And I can't wait to go with my best friend!  I know that we can do anything that God sets in our minds.  I pray we keep the fire burning and do not let it die off like other fires we've had.  It must keep burning.  We must keep going.  No matter what! 

Huzzah!

Today was BAD pain-wise.  At one point in time, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  Instead, I just sat in bed with my best friend and continued in my crabby-I'm-in-pain mood.  Stress does NOT help the body adjust to the pain either.  So, when my mother told me about my brother's kindergarten graduation last minute when I had already made plans for the evening, it not only made me mad and annoyed, but also increased the pain!  Needless to say, I was not in a good mood at that point in time.  Haha.

HOWEVER, a few things happened today that kept myself afloat amongst the pain and stress:

1.  My picture taking extravaganza!

2.  Getting cheesy hashbrowns...and a lot of em!  10 boxes, 50 cents a piece...when it should have been 10 for $10...not sure how that worked out!  (Cute guy at the register??? Heehee.)  AND...M&Ms provided by my best friend with a huge glass of milk!  :)

3.  A fantastic back-rub that relaxed me and worked out a lot of the pain in my hips.  (Although, having fibro and getting a back-rub is sometimes quite painful considering that ya wanna go crazy every time a trigger/tender point is touched!  BUT...Nichole was fantastic about it (knowing where the tender points were) and proceeded with extreme caution.) 

Okay, so as I said...I had a picture taking extravaganza!  I might have an obsession with bright, still photo shots.  SO...Here's some of them from today, and one of my bro from the day we got to hang out! :-)  ALSO...After my picture taking extravaganza around St. Cletus Catholic Church, I ended up finding "my place."  I went and prayed the rosary there and found peace in ways that are unable to be spoken and yet conviction beyond comfort!  I loved it!  Such a pretty day and such a pretty place!  Okay...pictures!

It's Here!

So here we are.  May 10th.  Today is the day I've waited for since sometime in February!!!  Today, I see Dr. Hunt.  She is a rheumatologist who treats fibro and who knows what else?!  Hopefully, she can help with the pain.  Not gonna lie, I have no clue where I'm going.  Thanks to GPSs I'm not too worried about it.  I just don't want to wander the halls and miss my appt.  ;)  I really am hoping that it is easy to find though.  I'm not in the mood to search for places today.  I'm in pain.  I'm beginning to be annoyed by the song Blessings by Laura Story, but it's the only way for me to make some sort of peace with being in pain.  But anyway, onto a nicer topic.......

Okay, so not so nice.  Finals week.  It really sucks.  I'm stressed still.  My back is probably as hard as a rock and I have to force myself to get ready in the morning because I just don't want to get out of bed.  I feel like finals' week is a student's worse nightmare, but they still make us do it.  I don't get it.  I also am incredibly nervous for this whole essay test tomorrow.  I won't have much time to study today, although it is my hopes that I can get time in to study today after my appointment.  If I don't study, I will legitimately fail.  I already am hoping that I can manage to get it all done and put everything I know on the paper.  I think it will be easier than she is making it sound, but that doesn't comfort me any.  Lol.  I will be writing on each essay for 20 minutes and I will probably die afterward.  But, who knows?!  I may survive to go home with a load of stuff that I have yet to pack.  Haha.  I'm soooo not even close to having my apartment close to moving.  Okay...onto a nicer topic......

I'm going to daily mass today again.  I must admit it gets my priorities straight for the day.  I am excited to go to St. Cletus' daily mass too!  I think they even pray the Rosary afterward...which is different for me!  Exciting!  :-)  I loved being able to go to CCM's daily mass yesterday.  I can't tell you what it is like for me to be able to go to any Catholic church and "know the words."  I'm not worried about it.  I'm in hopes that I enjoy it.  If I do, I will probably make it a priority in my schedule when I transfer.  But anyhow, I'm excited.  I suppose only I would get excited about being able to go to church every single day.  But, shouldn't we all?!  I mean, if we all love Jesus, shouldn't we want to worship Him every day not only in our daily lives, but also with others!  It just makes me excited.  I'm a bit nervous because I haven't been to a daily mass at St. Cletus, but I'm sure it will be fine.  I guess I'm more nervous about going alone than anything.  Especially since I won't know anyone.  But, hey, I know Jesus and since He'll be there, I'll be fine!  Haha...So, I best be leaving.  Gotta go all the way across town!!!  Onto a nicer topic.........

Adios! 

Time Travel

5:15am  Woke up thinking about best friend.  Text said person.

6:00am  Fell back asleep.  FINALLY!

6:40am  Woke back up.  Text received about blog last night from best friend.  More talk about said blog.

7:00am  Best friend mentions being scared of herself and what she can do to end the pain.  Scares me to death!

8:00am  Will not get off the phone with best friend.  Scares me too much to think about losing her, even if she was at work today.  Began packing as quickly as possible.

9:00am  Left the apartment.  Got fuel.  (And a Pepsi.)  And was on my way to her place.  ETA: 12:30pm.

10:03am  Got the feeling I was going to be run over by an 18-wheeler...twice.  Was on phone off and on with best friend.  Starting to feel better as she made various appointments with doctors and seemed to cheer up.  

11:15am  Felt the need to pray the Rosary, thus the Rosary was prayed for said friend.  Afterward, much singing in adoration of God was done.  I had a good time with it, though still completely paying attention to my driving.

11:40am  Metal bar in road.  Car next to me.  Can't swerve to miss it.  "Shit."  Ker-plunk, Ker-plunk.

11:41am  Smoke appeared from rear.  Concerns me greatly.

11:42am  Left message on Dad's voicemail.  Call Mom.  Mom said it was probably fine.  Dad returns call.  Dad said it was not fine.

11:43am  Pull off at gas station just to check on the car.  Asked Dad if it is okay to turn off my car.  He said that I should be fine.  Turn car off.

11:44am  Checked on car.  Lots of red fluid has formed a puddle under my car.  Concerns me greatly.  Looks above car...no parking sign.  Ahead of me, scale for 18-wheelers.  Truckers pull around me ungrateful of my desire to park my car in their way.  (Though, one trucker was an excellent driver and figured out how to make it!)

12:02pm  Still sitting at gas station.  Scared and alone.  Unsure of what to do.  Posted this status:

Scared and lonely.  

Sitting in a no parking zone in a car that is leading tons of oil and probably a shot engine.  

Yay for some metal bar in the middle of hwy 44.  

Needless to say, it's just me and God for the next while.  :'/

12:03pm  Still scared.  Multiple calls.  Afraid of the battery quickly decreasing on my phone.  Still wondering when I'm going to make it home (well, my best friend's home).  Praying that God will use this incident in some good way.  

12:57pm  Dad arrives.  By now, it looks as if some dead person is bleeding all underneath my car.  Transferred stuff over to his car.  ROLLED/PUSHED my car to a safer location.  Hid key for tow truck driver and headed to best friend's house with much thanks to Dad!  :)

2:06pm  Arrival and unloaded my stuff.  Set up my throne next to best friend's throne.  Thanked God for the safe arrival.  And continued my day.  

**********

Needless to say, it has been quite the day.  Especially with the craziness of my morning.  My friend honestly scared me.  I suppose it is because she began using my name in the texts.  She does that when she is upset or angry.  But this time, I just got the vibe.  I didn't ignore it.  As I was driving, I wondered if I was nuts making the drive home the weekend before finals week.  But, I completely and totally understood that I needed to make the drive.  No matter how much my knees screamed at me.  And especially while I was praying the Rosary, I just felt I was doing something right.  Granted, the metal bar came and it seemed all was lost.  But while the financial burden will certainly be a burden, I knew it would all play into some crazy plan of God's.  I didn't lose hope, except for a moment that I had to myself before the phone calls came.  The greatest part though, was that my best friend sent me a text right as I was ending the Rosary thanking me for taking the time to come home to see her.  That was definitely my favorite part of the day.  

I don't know how many people can just get up and leave whatever you're doing, without even thinking of the consequences, to be there for a friend.  I just hope that you are there for people when they need you most.  I pray that you are there to listen and to be a smile, even if it is your last!  I hope you have someone in your life that would do the same for you too!  

Most of all, I pray that you have someone in your life that you can share life with.  No, I'm not talking specifically about marriage or boyfriend/girlfriend, though that can be part of it.  I'm talking about someone you can be completely and utterly honest with.  The person that you can share your heart, no matter how heavy it is, and they are willing to hold it in their hands with the utmost care you could ever imagine.  The person you can share your deepest darkest secrets with, but can be laughing hysterically 23.7 seconds later!  Someone you love being around, even if nothing is said.  Someone who loves you for you, no matter what.  

I have that friend.  In fact, she is even more than a best friend.  She is my sister.  Not by blood.  Rather by that deep friendship that we are sharing life together.  Through thick and thin, we hold each other up.  Even when our strength is weak, we have God to help us.  Our faith keeps our glimmer of a will going through it all.  I know I can make it through any day because I have someone here on earth willing to walk (or even crawl) with me through it.  

Today has been interesting.  Scary.  But a reminder of what really matters in this life:

1)  Love God.

2)  Love People. 

Praying the Rosary

My Rosary

Recently, I have begun to pray the rosary.  

No, I am not Catholic.  I am a protestant.  

However, I have begun to see a peace from God and reverence for God that I haven't had in a REALLY long time.  While you may think that this is a horrible thing and that I should be able to get those things (peace and reverence) by doing something else...okay, you may be right.  But, for me, the rosary isn't about praying to Mary, Jesus' mother.  It is a meditation tool.  It is something that I can do to keep me focused.  It gives me something to play with while I pray, something to say while I meditate, and something specific to meditate on.  While I don't agree with one set of the mysteries (because I don't know that they are biblical because they go off of assumptions), I still LOVE the other three sets of mysteries.  

There are four sets of five mysteries: Joyful, Sorrowful, Glorious, and Luminous.  If one wishes to pray the rosary, you typically choose one set of the mysteries to meditate on, rather than doing all 20 mysteries (4 sets), or follow the pattern set by Pope John Paul II.  

If you wish to know more about how to pray the rosary you can follow this link and it will give you instructions on how to pray and the set of mysteries for each day:  How to Pray the Rosary 

I do not plan on ever becoming Catholic, as I do not agree with much of their doctrine.  But, I love this meditation tool of the rosary.  And I don't only have the choice of praying the mysteries, I can also pray the rosary for a person or special need.  

Here is a link to a great website that will explain more about the mysteries as well as some FAQ that you probably are thinking too!  Might explain some of those horrible things that you are thinking about me because of what you consider the rosary to be.  The Rosary - Catholic Bible 101


I am more than happy to discuss this rosary thing with you, so if you have a question or concern, feel free to post a comment or email me.  Hope to hear your thoughts!