Disappointed. Angry. Hurt.
Yeah, that's the extent of what I am right now. I had hoped to have a dream wedding in November when I began this battle. However, through it's craziness, I have learned that I won't get that dream wedding. Not with the budget that I have. But, I've also learned that God wanted a simple wedding for two simple believers. Now, I see how important it is to have the ones you love with you on that big day! Not everyone I want to be there will be at my wedding though...
Some live out of town like 12 hours away (they are excused).
Some can't afford to come up/down for the wedding (they are excused).
Some didn't rearrange their schedule to be at their family's members wedding. This I find ridiculous. Especially with ample notice...sure, it may not have been a year or two in advance, but 2-4 months, should be plenty of time.
My mom and my siblings will probably not be at my wedding. This sucks. I wanted my sister to be a part of my wedding (and my lil' bro and lil' big bro - ya know, the ones who are blood-related to me)...but now, they can't. My mom is my mom!!! You'd think it would be a "no duh" with that one! Of course I want my mom at my wedding! (Of course, when I was eloping - that was the only disappointing part - my parents couldn't be a part of my wedding!) Now, I'm not eloping. I want people there. I want there to be a spirit of celebration. And so yeah, I'm disappointed, angry, and hurt that they won't be there.
I wish I could change the date of my wedding. But I can't. If I knew that Nichole's grandma would be around in a year or two (or even 6 months), I would wait. But I don't. And I don't want to be that fiance who causes her grandma to be unable to be at her wedding. That's just not how it works. I don't want that to be something that comes between us. I would want my fiance to do the same if it were my grandma who was dying of cancer!!! And maybe in 6 months or 2 years, Nichole's grandma will still be around (God willing!!!). But, I'm not gonna chance it because it doesn't make sense to do so.
Plus, Nichole and I need to get married. We're already living together and sharing each other's lives (No, we aren't having sex), but God would prefer that we get married sooner rather than later. We already act like married people. LOL.
Just wish my family would be there with me to celebrate. It hurts because they would probably make sure to rearrange their schedules if I were marrying a man in a traditional wedding that everyone had been planning too. No one helped us plan this wedding. No one helped with costs. So, I have done everything possible to make sure that this wedding happens - Yet, it appears that I rank on the bottom of the priority list.
Just so you know, I'm STILL going to get married to Nichole by the end of Nov 17th, 2012. And I will be the happiest girl on my wedding day because I will be spending the rest of my life with my best friend! :)
Showing posts with label engagement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label engagement. Show all posts
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Look What the Lord has Done
WOW! It has been FOREVER since I last wrote. I have a lot to say and most of it will be boring if ya know me, but if you haven't seen me or heard from me in a while, well, this will catch ya up...and then FB me or something! I miss my people from MSU and EHS! Alright, so here we go and I'll see what I can do to keep it from skipping all over the place!
WORK
I am currently working at a day rehabilitation center for people with disabilities. I've been there since the VERY end of May 2012 and I LOVE it! They did all of their own training and I couldn't be happier with my job! I work with about 10 women (coworkers) even though most of the participants are guys. I have an awesome time with them whether it is doing crafts, reading books, watching movies, playing games, or even teaching them a lil' something, reading, or writing. I work with adults who have disabilities BUT they range in age from 18yo to 70-something. Someday, I'd love to run a center for pediatric disabilities as an after-school/summer program, but I have a long way to go before that can happen! The only downfall to where I work is that I am the youngest by like 25 years. Most of the time, it really doesn't matter, but the few short times...it can be real unhandy! But, I do my job and I always try to go over and above. I never leave work without knowing that I am making a difference and doing something worthwhile. Which is an awesome feeling!!!
SCHOOL
Currently, I'm not in school. I thought I would go back this fall (2012), but I really decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to do so. Finances are a complete mess right now. I'm planning a wedding (more on that later). I love my job and I'd have to switch jobs if I went back to school because of the field I'm in. And I don't know, honestly, if I want to go back. At least, not right now.
The main reason I had decided to quit going was so that I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life and where I was headed. It was totally something I did out of faith because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy with me coming out of school. (I also had quit because of my worsening health...more on that later too.) BUT, now, I have some sense of direction - and it doesn't necessarily involve schooling at the collegiate level.
Like I said before, I love my job and I'd love to open somewhere for kids with disabilities (no matter how severe) to come and learn and just be around other people! BUT, I've also regained a sense of calling to my life. A sense of where I'm at ministry wise. And because of that (which I'm gonna talk about later too), I don't think I will go back unless it is for a Christian ministry degree..OR something in the field I'm currently working in. Okay...going on since life seems to overlap in more than one category! LOL!
WEDDING
Yes, I mentioned it earlier, but I am planning a wedding. A wedding for November 17, 2012!!! It had initially been planned for August of 2014, however because Nichole's grandma is not doing fantastic with her cancer, we moved it up. (Prayers requested for her as she is starting her third round of chemotherapy for colon cancer.) Anyway, we are planning it in about three months when we had initially thought it would be like...2 years from now!!! It is a bit stressful, although I'm more relaxed about it than Nichole is! LOL. We do have someone helping plan the wedding for free though, so that helps! AND...it will be a smaller and simpler wedding than we had initially imagined it to be. (Which is great, but many friends and even family on both sides won't be included.) We are having it in Nov, so clearly it won't be an outside wedding like we had initially planned either...AND, unlike we had planned - we will actually be able to have a pastor wed us!!! (Thanks to Pastor Lenny! - More on him later.) Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings to my HS and MSU friends who won't be able to come. We will only have about 3 months of budgeting to pay for the wedding since neither sides' family will help with the cost of the wedding. (Mainly because of their beliefs on homosexuality and marriage...which is whatever these days.) I can't afford our original list of nearly 300 guests so now it is about 50 with only immediate family members and grandparents invited. Sucks, but we'd rather have her grandma there with us to support us than a big (expensive) wedding. Hope everyone can understand!
HEALTH & GOD (They go together now.)
So, this is a bit of a testimony because I no longer have pain. My blood work still shows that there should be pain, but I have no more pain than a "slightly overweight" female should who doesn't exercise. LOL!
On July 29, 2012, Nichole and I visited Light of Love Fellowship in St. Louis. We are a gay-affirming church where anyone and everyone is welcome regardless of background, etc. (Light of Love Fellowship - STL) I was extremely skeptical of the church because it certainly was not a United Methodist Church. It is labeled as a non-denominational church, but it is connected to the RPI (Reconciling Pentecostals International) church. The website didn't say much, but going in we knew that they were a church that believed in speaking in tongues and baptism by immersion. That's about it!
SO, we went. Worship was unlike any other worship I had experienced in my life. There were people playing tambourines, shouting, jumping, dancing, clapping, lifting hands, etc! The songs had a bit of a gospel twang to them, but nothing that I didn't mind! :) THEN, there was a prayer - dum dum dum duuuuummmm. (Get a lil' of Beethoven's 5th in there) In the middle of the prayer, there seemed to be a lil' phrase of "gibberish" that I didn't understand. I expected to bust up laughing at the strangeness of it all, but it seemed very normal and REAL that it didn't phase me. At all. During worship, people were not only shouting but shouting in tongues!!! It was unfamiliar to me but didn't seem like they were doing anything wrong or anything like that. The sermon came. It was long, but good. It was about cursing the fruitless trees in our life. Things that get in the way of the Spirit like fear, doubt, our past, etc. Let me tell ya, I had some junk to get rid of. And while I've found that we do an altar call at every service (or at least 99%), I felt led to go up (even though it was my first Sunday at this new strange church). I prayed, people laid hands, I cried, relief spread over me. It was amazing...
We went back. August 5, 2012 is a day that I will never forget! It's my baptism day! At the morning service, after much contemplation about Holy Spirit Baptism and speaking in tongues, Nichole and I received it! We spoke in tongues and people prayed hard over us for us to let loose. I resisted as much as I could because it was the craziest thing hearing jumbled sounds come out of my mouth. It took a lot of faith to know that those sounds meant something to God. Here's the link that I studied to learn more about Holy Spirit Baptism...if you don't know about speaking in tongues or if you wanna know more about the blessing and why it is still for today and why anyone can speak in tongues who want to...click on the link!!! Holy Spirit Baptism Teaching
Anyway, so I was speaking in tongues but I was first paralyzed in fear. I was scared to do it because it meant I had to give up control. I was gonna sound a lil' crazy. BUT, after doing it...I will never regret it. Alright, so beyond that, after I calmed down and stopped shaking and regained movement/control of my body, I decided I wanted to be baptized in water again because I walked away from God and I wanted that fresh start and to make that declaration about what I believe and Who I believe in! SO, I was baptized in water at the 6:30pm service. The water was ice cold! LOL! The only thing I remember is that I was in pain going into the water, but coming up from it I had no pain. About a week later, I began having pain again, but it was minimal. So little I didn't let it bother me. In fact, I stopped taking all of my meds. YES, ALL of them excluding my vitamins and one to help that blood work figure itself out. That meant I came off of my meds for sleeping, sensitivity, fibromyalgia. That also meant that I came off of my bipolar mood-stabilizer, my anxiety meds, my anti-depressant, AND ALL of my narcotic pain medications. I came off of the med controlling migraine prevention and the list goes on and on. No more taking 22 pills before bedtime as well as in the morning and pain meds throughout the day. It's amazing!!!!!!!! I was so relieved! I hadn't been that pain-free in over a year!!! And from the mental side of things - I hadn't felt that good in YEARS!!!
Okay, so awesome, I'm now baptized and speaking in tongues. Great. BUT - it's more than that.
Being filled with the Holy Spirit, through Holy Spirit Baptism (explained above in that link), has changed my life. I have a confidence and boldness that I have never had before. I recognize sin faster and more clearly than ever before. I feel a special closeness to God that I had only felt on the mountain tops of my spiritual life and even now, I may be closer than ever before. My prayer life exists and is more real than ever before. I study the Bible and understand it better than before. I have a fire burning within me that is unlike any other that keeps me going, and while the enemy tries to blow it out now more than ever, he can't do it because he can't get me away from my God! More than anything else, I feel loved. I feel loved by God and by my church family. I haven't felt this loved since I came out and told everyone I was marrying a woman. Sure, my pastor is gay, but I can tell ya that he totally is in love with God and lives a holy and God-filled life! So, why can't I be a lesbian and be head-over-heels in love with God?! More than that, God still loves me. period. God hasn't abandoned me. Others have, but they are people (gotta love 'em), BUT, GOD HASN'T!!! He is my life now. I can't wait to get home from work each day so I can spend more time with Him. Reading His Word sounds more appealing than anything these days. Addictions and hatred I've held onto for so long are being conquered in the name of Jesus Christ! I've seen healing in supernatural ways and I've grown in faith more than ever! The amazing thing is that even though I am back in church and in love with God, speaking in tongues, travailing, praying and studying daily, and worshiping like never before, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!! I don't know what God has in store. I don't know if I will be a pastor, evangelist, etc. I don't know if I'll start or have my own church someday. I don't know if I will travel the world as a missionary or if I will be called to go 1,491 miles like Abraham to another place! BUT, what I do know is that the second I can stop taking my medications and the second I start feeling loved and like I have a purpose is the second that my life changed and I learned how to be REAL!
ANYWAY, that's about all I have for ya. Needless to say, life is so much better than it's been. Control has been given to God. Forgiveness is reigning. And the enemy hates...HATES all of this! BUT, ha! I'm roaring from the lion of the tribe of Judah!!! And my ROAR will be loud! LOOK WHAT MY LORD HAS DONE!!!!
WORK
I am currently working at a day rehabilitation center for people with disabilities. I've been there since the VERY end of May 2012 and I LOVE it! They did all of their own training and I couldn't be happier with my job! I work with about 10 women (coworkers) even though most of the participants are guys. I have an awesome time with them whether it is doing crafts, reading books, watching movies, playing games, or even teaching them a lil' something, reading, or writing. I work with adults who have disabilities BUT they range in age from 18yo to 70-something. Someday, I'd love to run a center for pediatric disabilities as an after-school/summer program, but I have a long way to go before that can happen! The only downfall to where I work is that I am the youngest by like 25 years. Most of the time, it really doesn't matter, but the few short times...it can be real unhandy! But, I do my job and I always try to go over and above. I never leave work without knowing that I am making a difference and doing something worthwhile. Which is an awesome feeling!!!
SCHOOL
Currently, I'm not in school. I thought I would go back this fall (2012), but I really decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to do so. Finances are a complete mess right now. I'm planning a wedding (more on that later). I love my job and I'd have to switch jobs if I went back to school because of the field I'm in. And I don't know, honestly, if I want to go back. At least, not right now.
The main reason I had decided to quit going was so that I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life and where I was headed. It was totally something I did out of faith because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy with me coming out of school. (I also had quit because of my worsening health...more on that later too.) BUT, now, I have some sense of direction - and it doesn't necessarily involve schooling at the collegiate level.
Like I said before, I love my job and I'd love to open somewhere for kids with disabilities (no matter how severe) to come and learn and just be around other people! BUT, I've also regained a sense of calling to my life. A sense of where I'm at ministry wise. And because of that (which I'm gonna talk about later too), I don't think I will go back unless it is for a Christian ministry degree..OR something in the field I'm currently working in. Okay...going on since life seems to overlap in more than one category! LOL!
WEDDING
Yes, I mentioned it earlier, but I am planning a wedding. A wedding for November 17, 2012!!! It had initially been planned for August of 2014, however because Nichole's grandma is not doing fantastic with her cancer, we moved it up. (Prayers requested for her as she is starting her third round of chemotherapy for colon cancer.) Anyway, we are planning it in about three months when we had initially thought it would be like...2 years from now!!! It is a bit stressful, although I'm more relaxed about it than Nichole is! LOL. We do have someone helping plan the wedding for free though, so that helps! AND...it will be a smaller and simpler wedding than we had initially imagined it to be. (Which is great, but many friends and even family on both sides won't be included.) We are having it in Nov, so clearly it won't be an outside wedding like we had initially planned either...AND, unlike we had planned - we will actually be able to have a pastor wed us!!! (Thanks to Pastor Lenny! - More on him later.) Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings to my HS and MSU friends who won't be able to come. We will only have about 3 months of budgeting to pay for the wedding since neither sides' family will help with the cost of the wedding. (Mainly because of their beliefs on homosexuality and marriage...which is whatever these days.) I can't afford our original list of nearly 300 guests so now it is about 50 with only immediate family members and grandparents invited. Sucks, but we'd rather have her grandma there with us to support us than a big (expensive) wedding. Hope everyone can understand!
HEALTH & GOD (They go together now.)
So, this is a bit of a testimony because I no longer have pain. My blood work still shows that there should be pain, but I have no more pain than a "slightly overweight" female should who doesn't exercise. LOL!
On July 29, 2012, Nichole and I visited Light of Love Fellowship in St. Louis. We are a gay-affirming church where anyone and everyone is welcome regardless of background, etc. (Light of Love Fellowship - STL) I was extremely skeptical of the church because it certainly was not a United Methodist Church. It is labeled as a non-denominational church, but it is connected to the RPI (Reconciling Pentecostals International) church. The website didn't say much, but going in we knew that they were a church that believed in speaking in tongues and baptism by immersion. That's about it!
 |
| My Pastor Lenny Johnson getting fully ordained. September 1, 2012 - MSQ 2012 |
We went back. August 5, 2012 is a day that I will never forget! It's my baptism day! At the morning service, after much contemplation about Holy Spirit Baptism and speaking in tongues, Nichole and I received it! We spoke in tongues and people prayed hard over us for us to let loose. I resisted as much as I could because it was the craziest thing hearing jumbled sounds come out of my mouth. It took a lot of faith to know that those sounds meant something to God. Here's the link that I studied to learn more about Holy Spirit Baptism...if you don't know about speaking in tongues or if you wanna know more about the blessing and why it is still for today and why anyone can speak in tongues who want to...click on the link!!! Holy Spirit Baptism Teaching
Anyway, so I was speaking in tongues but I was first paralyzed in fear. I was scared to do it because it meant I had to give up control. I was gonna sound a lil' crazy. BUT, after doing it...I will never regret it. Alright, so beyond that, after I calmed down and stopped shaking and regained movement/control of my body, I decided I wanted to be baptized in water again because I walked away from God and I wanted that fresh start and to make that declaration about what I believe and Who I believe in! SO, I was baptized in water at the 6:30pm service. The water was ice cold! LOL! The only thing I remember is that I was in pain going into the water, but coming up from it I had no pain. About a week later, I began having pain again, but it was minimal. So little I didn't let it bother me. In fact, I stopped taking all of my meds. YES, ALL of them excluding my vitamins and one to help that blood work figure itself out. That meant I came off of my meds for sleeping, sensitivity, fibromyalgia. That also meant that I came off of my bipolar mood-stabilizer, my anxiety meds, my anti-depressant, AND ALL of my narcotic pain medications. I came off of the med controlling migraine prevention and the list goes on and on. No more taking 22 pills before bedtime as well as in the morning and pain meds throughout the day. It's amazing!!!!!!!! I was so relieved! I hadn't been that pain-free in over a year!!! And from the mental side of things - I hadn't felt that good in YEARS!!!
Okay, so awesome, I'm now baptized and speaking in tongues. Great. BUT - it's more than that.
 |
| My Baptism by Water |
ANYWAY, that's about all I have for ya. Needless to say, life is so much better than it's been. Control has been given to God. Forgiveness is reigning. And the enemy hates...HATES all of this! BUT, ha! I'm roaring from the lion of the tribe of Judah!!! And my ROAR will be loud! LOOK WHAT MY LORD HAS DONE!!!!
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Millions of Miles
In one day, the Earth travels approximately 1.598 million miles from its initial position. Since I last wrote, we have traveled quite far. It's been about a month so I will separate the updates into sections like I did the last post.
Health
Nothing has really changed here. I've been on this patch for a while now. I like it, but I still have to take my pain meds every once in a while to help the pain. Right now, I'm in the middle of a lupus flare. I know this by a few reasons......1) My face is vividly showing the lupus butterfly rash and the rash is seen on other parts of my body. 2) I am in pain. Duh! My joints hurt. My hips and lower back are killing me as well as my hands and toes! Believe it or not, my lil' toe does hurt! Haha. 3) I feel like I have the flu. Every day. It really is horrendous. I wish I could get rid of this part because it makes my fatigue worse and my body is nauseous, etc. I can only hope that this flare will end soon and I will be feeling much better soon!
School
I have decided that I will not be returning to school in Spring of 2012. This is due to getting my health in order as well as a few personal reasons that are not going to be shared on the world wide web. I am terribly excited to have this break although I will miss the learning that happens with school. I need to refocus myself on what I want to do and who I want to be in this life before I return to get degrees and certifications. After losing Jalen, who was my constant lil' reminder of who I need to be, I lost my way. A lot of prep work didn't get done in order to switch schools for the Spring so I'm concerned it would be useless to try and attend school without that work being done. I am not concerned that I will get too busy to return to school. I am pretty set on going back to school. I know who I am and so I will....WILL return to school in the Fall.
Family
Considering Christmas just passed and the new year is approaching, family is doing well. I got to see some of my family this year. Work prohibited me from seeing my family on Christmas Eve with the exception of seeing Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Davine late in the night! And I've worked all of this week except for yesterday, which I spent with my Dad and lil' sibs! :) Oh, and I'll work the rest of this week too! So, work is going well, I suppose. I just hate that all the managers are guys, so no one gets it and my coworkers don't understand me whatsoever. But, I suppose that's how it goes.
Anyway, family. So, I had my first Christmas with Nichole. I loved it. She is such an amazing woman that I couldn't help but overspend for her. PLUS, I got some amazing things from her. She bought us a comforter/sheet set. It is by far the most comfortable comforter EVER! Oh, and we have an awesome family game called SCRABBLE!!! :) We've had a lot of fun playing many times. It's been hard finding time with each other since she started working nights. I honestly hate that our schedules do not go together at all! It makes me crazy when I get home and she is leaving for the night. But, I suppose that is how it goes. We do get some time to ourselves, but I wish it were at normal hours of the day when we didn't have 15 billion other things to do and take care of. BUT...Christmas was phenomenal. We got to spend it with both of our families over the 3 day Christmas celebration. :)
Well....I think that's about all I need to update you all on. OH...We did move at the end of November. So we are closer to everything. But we are millions of miles away from yesterday and even further from where we were at the beginning of our relationship. We are stronger than ever in each other and in our love. We take each day at a time and if there is one thing we never do we never take love for granted. "I love you" are the most powerful words of our day. And they are said often! :)
Have a great day!!!
Oh....and I love you, Nichole!!! :)
Health
Nothing has really changed here. I've been on this patch for a while now. I like it, but I still have to take my pain meds every once in a while to help the pain. Right now, I'm in the middle of a lupus flare. I know this by a few reasons......1) My face is vividly showing the lupus butterfly rash and the rash is seen on other parts of my body. 2) I am in pain. Duh! My joints hurt. My hips and lower back are killing me as well as my hands and toes! Believe it or not, my lil' toe does hurt! Haha. 3) I feel like I have the flu. Every day. It really is horrendous. I wish I could get rid of this part because it makes my fatigue worse and my body is nauseous, etc. I can only hope that this flare will end soon and I will be feeling much better soon!
School
I have decided that I will not be returning to school in Spring of 2012. This is due to getting my health in order as well as a few personal reasons that are not going to be shared on the world wide web. I am terribly excited to have this break although I will miss the learning that happens with school. I need to refocus myself on what I want to do and who I want to be in this life before I return to get degrees and certifications. After losing Jalen, who was my constant lil' reminder of who I need to be, I lost my way. A lot of prep work didn't get done in order to switch schools for the Spring so I'm concerned it would be useless to try and attend school without that work being done. I am not concerned that I will get too busy to return to school. I am pretty set on going back to school. I know who I am and so I will....WILL return to school in the Fall.
Family
Considering Christmas just passed and the new year is approaching, family is doing well. I got to see some of my family this year. Work prohibited me from seeing my family on Christmas Eve with the exception of seeing Grandma, Grandpa, and Aunt Davine late in the night! And I've worked all of this week except for yesterday, which I spent with my Dad and lil' sibs! :) Oh, and I'll work the rest of this week too! So, work is going well, I suppose. I just hate that all the managers are guys, so no one gets it and my coworkers don't understand me whatsoever. But, I suppose that's how it goes.
Anyway, family. So, I had my first Christmas with Nichole. I loved it. She is such an amazing woman that I couldn't help but overspend for her. PLUS, I got some amazing things from her. She bought us a comforter/sheet set. It is by far the most comfortable comforter EVER! Oh, and we have an awesome family game called SCRABBLE!!! :) We've had a lot of fun playing many times. It's been hard finding time with each other since she started working nights. I honestly hate that our schedules do not go together at all! It makes me crazy when I get home and she is leaving for the night. But, I suppose that is how it goes. We do get some time to ourselves, but I wish it were at normal hours of the day when we didn't have 15 billion other things to do and take care of. BUT...Christmas was phenomenal. We got to spend it with both of our families over the 3 day Christmas celebration. :)
Well....I think that's about all I need to update you all on. OH...We did move at the end of November. So we are closer to everything. But we are millions of miles away from yesterday and even further from where we were at the beginning of our relationship. We are stronger than ever in each other and in our love. We take each day at a time and if there is one thing we never do we never take love for granted. "I love you" are the most powerful words of our day. And they are said often! :)
Have a great day!!!
Oh....and I love you, Nichole!!! :)
Monday, November 7, 2011
Back to Normal???
I had to really contemplate about what I wanted to title this blog. Honestly, things in my life are not back to normal. After the craziness off the last blog post (Aka Life Lived), there have been quite a few changes in my life and in the world around me. I'll try to separate it out into categories, but they really seem to mix together as the story of my life comes into focus............
Health
I really haven't made much progress in my health realm. I have been put on pain medication and that has helped bring the pain levels down when they are bad. I am also trying this patch that feeds medicine into me every hour or so. It helped a little bit the first week, but then I had to start taking my pain meds again because I felt I was back to the normal pain levels - high. Yesterday I started to get the first migraine that I have had since I started my new migraine preventative called topamax. It has stayed under a 5 on the pain scale so it hasn't gotten bad yet. I am hoping it stays that way and goes away soon! My eyes hurt from the light sensitivity!!! Regardless, I will still work on the computer, text on my phone, and go to classes, etc.
School
This is becoming a pain. Some of my professors are not so accommodating to excuse my absences and accept my homework that is coming in late to her. I am somewhat annoyed by this particular professor's actions and words. They really strike someone with chronic pain right in the heart. I've missed 9 out of her 43 class periods. She allows 5 excused absences without grades being knocked down. And she pretty much told me that I can't miss any more class periods. She wants to know why I am missing test days and quizzes....I told her I can't predict when my health is going to keep me in bed. Regardless, she still wants to know why I am not in class and why I've missed 25% of her class. (There goes my participation grade) I just don't think I can handle her any longer. From now on, I'm pushing myself beyond anything and even if I don't think I can do it...by golly, I'm going to that damn class!!! She wants me there that badly, I suppose. There's a reason I went through the trouble of going to the disability office.
ALSO...I'm considering whether or not I should register for classes at the community college in the Spring. I need to meet with a representative to talk about nursing school, which is extremely exciting to me. However, I have people like my father or others who have told me that I should consider taking time off to figure out what I want to do before I spend all the money in loans, etc, to go to school. Also, I have realized that I don't think I can get scholarships through the community college. Especially because I am not pursuing further education after the community college, yet. I really just want to be done with school and everything that is going on but it never seems to end. That's why I think there is part of me that wants to be done and just wants to take a break. But, I am afraid that I will never go back once I stop. Especially because, I will get a full-time job and I will be working. I doubt I will want to go back to school. I have really thought about it and I wonder what it would be like to not be in school. Honestly, I've never really had that before. Even summers were preparation for the next school year. Regardless, I will probably register for a science class or two...probably three to make sure I'm full-time. Then I'll take it from there. Maybe my schedule will allow me to work a normal-ish job in the day and take classes on set days or in the evenings. Who knows?!
Family
Nichole is back to work after Mr. Jalen left for Heaven. She is doing multiple cases but her goal is to work a night case full-time from 7pm to 7am. I was against it at first because I LOVE our evenings together, it's my favorite time of the day. However, it is what Nichole wants, and I want her to be happy (plus, there's other reasons that I can't list here because I just can't. Sorry.) Nichole and I are phenomenal together. We have fights just like any other couple, but we make up...like some couples. We love each other with all that we have and we share openly with each other all that we have. I know that we are both stressed out of our minds though right now. Between finances, moving, and various issues, we are nuts.
WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
We move in on November 30th. It is only a studio apartment, so it is small, but not too small. We have mostly figured out where everything is going, but we have a LOT of stuff that isn't going to fit, so we are making other arrangements for those. SO MUCH PACKING TO DO!!!! I am excited to be moving again and especially in with Nichole! And the bunnies will be free-roaming bunnies! AND...we will be closer to schools and work! :) OH...Speaking of work.....
Work
I'm back to work! And I have two new managers....both are guys. One is really weird and the other is cool. I am gonna go insane with all the new people. But hey, I guess that's the ups of being good at my job and helping out the ones who are just starting. ;) I am only working weekends to keep the stress down and at the lovely request of my fiance. So yep.
I think that is all I have for you. Lots of changes. I am really kinda crazy about everything going on. I'm behind in just about everything you can imagine. But hey......At least things are kinda back to normal????
Health
I really haven't made much progress in my health realm. I have been put on pain medication and that has helped bring the pain levels down when they are bad. I am also trying this patch that feeds medicine into me every hour or so. It helped a little bit the first week, but then I had to start taking my pain meds again because I felt I was back to the normal pain levels - high. Yesterday I started to get the first migraine that I have had since I started my new migraine preventative called topamax. It has stayed under a 5 on the pain scale so it hasn't gotten bad yet. I am hoping it stays that way and goes away soon! My eyes hurt from the light sensitivity!!! Regardless, I will still work on the computer, text on my phone, and go to classes, etc.
School
This is becoming a pain. Some of my professors are not so accommodating to excuse my absences and accept my homework that is coming in late to her. I am somewhat annoyed by this particular professor's actions and words. They really strike someone with chronic pain right in the heart. I've missed 9 out of her 43 class periods. She allows 5 excused absences without grades being knocked down. And she pretty much told me that I can't miss any more class periods. She wants to know why I am missing test days and quizzes....I told her I can't predict when my health is going to keep me in bed. Regardless, she still wants to know why I am not in class and why I've missed 25% of her class. (There goes my participation grade) I just don't think I can handle her any longer. From now on, I'm pushing myself beyond anything and even if I don't think I can do it...by golly, I'm going to that damn class!!! She wants me there that badly, I suppose. There's a reason I went through the trouble of going to the disability office.
ALSO...I'm considering whether or not I should register for classes at the community college in the Spring. I need to meet with a representative to talk about nursing school, which is extremely exciting to me. However, I have people like my father or others who have told me that I should consider taking time off to figure out what I want to do before I spend all the money in loans, etc, to go to school. Also, I have realized that I don't think I can get scholarships through the community college. Especially because I am not pursuing further education after the community college, yet. I really just want to be done with school and everything that is going on but it never seems to end. That's why I think there is part of me that wants to be done and just wants to take a break. But, I am afraid that I will never go back once I stop. Especially because, I will get a full-time job and I will be working. I doubt I will want to go back to school. I have really thought about it and I wonder what it would be like to not be in school. Honestly, I've never really had that before. Even summers were preparation for the next school year. Regardless, I will probably register for a science class or two...probably three to make sure I'm full-time. Then I'll take it from there. Maybe my schedule will allow me to work a normal-ish job in the day and take classes on set days or in the evenings. Who knows?!
Family
Nichole is back to work after Mr. Jalen left for Heaven. She is doing multiple cases but her goal is to work a night case full-time from 7pm to 7am. I was against it at first because I LOVE our evenings together, it's my favorite time of the day. However, it is what Nichole wants, and I want her to be happy (plus, there's other reasons that I can't list here because I just can't. Sorry.) Nichole and I are phenomenal together. We have fights just like any other couple, but we make up...like some couples. We love each other with all that we have and we share openly with each other all that we have. I know that we are both stressed out of our minds though right now. Between finances, moving, and various issues, we are nuts.
WE ARE GETTING OUR OWN APARTMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!
We move in on November 30th. It is only a studio apartment, so it is small, but not too small. We have mostly figured out where everything is going, but we have a LOT of stuff that isn't going to fit, so we are making other arrangements for those. SO MUCH PACKING TO DO!!!! I am excited to be moving again and especially in with Nichole! And the bunnies will be free-roaming bunnies! AND...we will be closer to schools and work! :) OH...Speaking of work.....
Work
I'm back to work! And I have two new managers....both are guys. One is really weird and the other is cool. I am gonna go insane with all the new people. But hey, I guess that's the ups of being good at my job and helping out the ones who are just starting. ;) I am only working weekends to keep the stress down and at the lovely request of my fiance. So yep.
I think that is all I have for you. Lots of changes. I am really kinda crazy about everything going on. I'm behind in just about everything you can imagine. But hey......At least things are kinda back to normal????
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Shift in the Wind
I know I have been an absolutely horrible blogger as of late. And I know I probably say that every time. BUT SERIOUSLY!!! I mean it. So, needless to say, I have a lot to mention....
I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!! I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE). I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it. I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it. At least I have answers when some people don't even have those! Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect. I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable. I feel like I have the flu, only not really. It feels worse. And it feels worse every day. I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day. There are worse days, but never better days. So, my normal day becomes a good day. That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable). I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!! SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......
A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good. She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well. The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk. My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome. Other than that, things with the family are pretty good. Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack. And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies). They made the move quick and easy. ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!! ;)
SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life. I want to be a school nurse. Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know. The average college student changes their major 5 times. I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time. BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again. Why?
I love kids.
I love helping people.
I love educating people.
Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher. So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me. I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth. (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.) I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel. But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything. I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though. And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help. And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health. Perhaps I'm crazy.
I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing. A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people. I want to help people in this way. And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead. I am good at the sciences anyway. They come easily to me. I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school. LOL!!!
While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that. I think. I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.
It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups. Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level. And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind. Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.
Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........
I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!! I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE). I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it. I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it. At least I have answers when some people don't even have those! Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect. I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable. I feel like I have the flu, only not really. It feels worse. And it feels worse every day. I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day. There are worse days, but never better days. So, my normal day becomes a good day. That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there. I couldn't sleep last night. I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable). I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!! SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......
A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good. She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well. The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk. My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome. Other than that, things with the family are pretty good. Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack. And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies). They made the move quick and easy. ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!! ;)
SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life. I want to be a school nurse. Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know. The average college student changes their major 5 times. I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time. BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again. Why?
I love kids.
I love helping people.
I love educating people.
Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher. So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me. I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth. (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.) I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel. But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything. I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though. And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help. And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health. Perhaps I'm crazy.
I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing. A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people. I want to help people in this way. And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead. I am good at the sciences anyway. They come easily to me. I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school. LOL!!!
While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that. I think. I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.
It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups. Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level. And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind. Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.
Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........
Friday, August 12, 2011
Trapped & Turmoil
I feel trapped.
No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it. And no. Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is. I could end the relationship if I wanted to. And no. I don't want to end the relationship.
Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.
No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen. Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls. SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea. And that brings me to why I feel trapped.
Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions. Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act. Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will. And I'm done listening to them. My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo. I'm trapped. I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.
For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry. For once I'm starting to live my life and love it. I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be. When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect. It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke. It is very real. And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not. I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love! We want your support and your love.
With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live. Recently, quite a few changes have taken place. I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church. I have changed my major umpteen million times. I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa. I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic. Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered. But all through it, I've begun to find myself. I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me. I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me. It doesn't work that way. You get to live your life, please let me live mine. You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do. But, I'm happy where I am at. I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me. It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.
In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture. A society that is so set in stone is dangerous. I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves. This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV). It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.
So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams. It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all. Thanks. And respectfully comment if you so choose.
No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it. And no. Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is. I could end the relationship if I wanted to. And no. I don't want to end the relationship.
Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.
No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen. Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls. SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea. And that brings me to why I feel trapped.
Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions. Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act. Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will. And I'm done listening to them. My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo. I'm trapped. I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.
For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry. For once I'm starting to live my life and love it. I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be. When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect. It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke. It is very real. And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not. I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love! We want your support and your love.
With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live. Recently, quite a few changes have taken place. I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church. I have changed my major umpteen million times. I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa. I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic. Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered. But all through it, I've begun to find myself. I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me. I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me. It doesn't work that way. You get to live your life, please let me live mine. You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do. But, I'm happy where I am at. I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me. It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.
In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture. A society that is so set in stone is dangerous. I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves. This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV). It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.
So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams. It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all. Thanks. And respectfully comment if you so choose.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS!
Yesterday, Nichole and I went to get our engagement photos done. They are by a Mrs. Kymberly Spaulding who did our hair and make-up before we left! I love being pampered, so it was an amazing day! We went out to Cuivre River State Park to have lovely scenery. Great times! So, here are a few of my favorites! :)
Sorry if there are any repeats! BUT, don't they look phenomenal! I'm so excited! I can't wait to get some of them printed and framed! :) Anyway, I love Nichole D Kelly! She is the light of my life and the other half of my heartbeat! She makes me happy to live! She completes me!
Sorry if there are any repeats! BUT, don't they look phenomenal! I'm so excited! I can't wait to get some of them printed and framed! :) Anyway, I love Nichole D Kelly! She is the light of my life and the other half of my heartbeat! She makes me happy to live! She completes me!
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