Contemplative Thinking

A lot of today, thus far, has been spent in a quiet room thinking about life.  I've thought about school, work, Methodism, Catholicism and the religious orders, Africa, friends, etc.  More and more, I'm beginning to think that I allow myself to be controlled by others.  It isn't in an abusive way or anything like that...It is much more subtle.  I allow other people's opinions and thoughts become my reality rather than creating a reality of my own.  They say that one's interpretations of the world become one's reality.  So, instead of taking in the world for myself, I allow others to create my world view.  In a way, this can be a good thing.  But when it comes to living my dreams or the dreams of others, that's when it gets messy!  

I love the dreams I have for myself.  The dream of becoming the best disciple I can be for Jesus Christ!!!  The dream of going to Africa and LIVING in Africa amongst the people. The dream of learning all I can and serving all I can!  I know these can be pretty abstract dreams, but in reality, they are very simplistic and concrete when broken down...

• I want to go through RCIA and become a Catholic.
• I want to join a class to study Scripture, or start one!
• I want to become an avid prayer warrior...someone that anyone can turn to when in need of prayer!
• I want to crochet a blanket...because I can!
• I want to get my health in order.
• I want to use music to touch people's hearts...to express God in an unspeakable way!
• I want to learn ASL and Swahili!
• I want to teach kids in Africa to know and love Jesus and about the world they live in.
• I want to publish a book...just for fun! :)
• I want to live simply...so no big house or lots of stuff!
• I want to love like Jesus loved and live like Jesus did with no regrets!

I think we make life too small.  I know people always say that life is too short.  But, we make life small.  We don't ever dream!  Dreams really can come true.  Dreams don't have to be something that we hold in our hearts and never act upon.  Sure, there are limits to what is physically possible...like, you may never be able to learn how to fly (unless you're okay with an airplane or parachute).  Let's not limit God.  Let's dream the impossible because God doesn't seem like the kind of Being that would be okay with just getting through life.  Each one of us can be something great because that's what we were meant to be!!!  It's how we were created!!!!  :-)  So.....

DREAM BIG!!!!!

Starving Soul

Today was my fifth day of going to Mass daily.  I really enjoy being able to have the lectionary Scriptures read to me.  It's convenient and I learn a lot just by being present and surrounded by a community of believers.  I feel like I'm a baby-believer again, in a way.  Although, I'm quite the opposite.  I'm a baby-Catholic, but certainly not a baby-believer!  I think the thing for me is being okay with not taking communion.  I know that it shouldn't be a big deal and I understand the viewpoint on it, but it is still hard to pass it up when I feel I already understand the sacrament.  It isn't hurtful.  It is just hard.  I feel like all eyes recognize that I didn't accept communion, rather I received a blessing.  And, it is hard knowing that I can't take communion and not knowing when I will be able to take it again.  Usually, the RCIA program doesn't start until September and it ends nearly a year later around Easter...which we just passed.  SO...Needless to say, it sounds like it will be a while.  Which makes it difficult.  It is as if my soul is longing for the physical bread and cup to fill me spiritually.  That probably didn't make sense.  But regardless, my soul starves for the Presence of Jesus within.  I want to be apart of the unity of the Church.  I feel like I'm at home in the Catholic church, but I still feel like an outsider when it comes to the Eucharist.  I hope and pray that I don't let this discourage me.  I love the Catholic Church and I want to be apart of its ministry.

While I've been going to Mass daily, my soul is still starving.  No matter how much I try to fill it with the Scripture or prayer, it never fails to "grumble" when I pass on the Eucharistic meal.  My soul starves for the reality of the Presence of Jesus!