Look What the Lord has Done

WOW!  It has been FOREVER since I last wrote.  I have a lot to say and most of it will be boring if ya know me, but if you haven't seen me or heard from me in a while, well, this will catch ya up...and then FB me or something!  I miss my people from MSU and EHS!  Alright, so here we go and I'll see what I can do to keep it from skipping all over the place!

WORK 
I am currently working at a day rehabilitation center for people with disabilities.  I've been there since the VERY end of May 2012 and I LOVE it!  They did all of their own training and I couldn't be happier with my job!  I work with about 10 women (coworkers) even though most of the participants are guys.  I have an awesome time with them whether it is doing crafts, reading books, watching movies, playing games, or even teaching them a lil' something, reading, or writing.  I work with adults who have disabilities BUT they range in age from 18yo to 70-something.  Someday, I'd love to run a center for pediatric disabilities as an after-school/summer program, but I have a long way to go before that can happen!  The only downfall to where I work is that I am the youngest by like 25 years.  Most of the time, it really doesn't matter, but the few short times...it can be real unhandy!  But, I do my job and I always try to go over and above.  I never leave work without knowing that I am making a difference and doing something worthwhile.  Which is an awesome feeling!!!

SCHOOL 
Currently, I'm not in school.  I thought I would go back this fall (2012), but I really decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to do so.  Finances are a complete mess right now.  I'm planning a wedding (more on that later).  I love my job and I'd have to switch jobs if I went back to school because of the field I'm in.  And I don't know, honestly, if I want to go back.  At least, not right now.
The main reason I had decided to quit going was so that I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life and where I was headed.  It was totally something I did out of faith because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy with me coming out of school.  (I also had quit because of my worsening health...more on that later too.)  BUT, now, I have some sense of direction - and it doesn't necessarily involve schooling at the collegiate level.
Like I said before, I love my job and I'd love to open somewhere for kids with disabilities (no matter how severe) to come and learn and just be around other people!  BUT, I've also regained a sense of calling to my life.  A sense of where I'm at ministry wise.  And because of that (which I'm gonna talk about later too), I don't think I will go back unless it is for a Christian ministry degree..OR something in the field I'm currently working in.  Okay...going on since life seems to overlap in more than one category!  LOL!

WEDDING
Yes, I mentioned it earlier, but I am planning a wedding.  A wedding for November 17, 2012!!!  It had initially been planned for August of 2014, however because Nichole's grandma is not doing fantastic with her cancer, we moved it up.  (Prayers requested for her as she is starting her third round of chemotherapy for colon cancer.)  Anyway, we are planning it in about three months when we had initially thought it would be like...2 years from now!!!  It is a bit stressful, although I'm more relaxed about it than Nichole is!  LOL.  We do have someone helping plan the wedding for free though, so that helps!  AND...it will be a smaller and simpler wedding than we had initially imagined it to be.  (Which is great, but many friends and even family on both sides won't be included.)  We are having it in Nov, so clearly it won't be an outside wedding like we had initially planned either...AND, unlike we had planned - we will actually be able to have a pastor wed us!!!  (Thanks to Pastor Lenny! - More on him later.)  Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings to my HS and MSU friends who won't be able to come.  We will only have about 3 months of budgeting to pay for the wedding since neither sides' family will help with the cost of the wedding.  (Mainly because of their beliefs on homosexuality and marriage...which is whatever these days.)  I can't afford our original list of nearly 300 guests so now it is about 50 with only immediate family members and grandparents invited.  Sucks, but we'd rather have her grandma there with us to support us than a big (expensive) wedding.  Hope everyone can understand!

HEALTH & GOD (They go together now.)
So, this is a bit of a testimony because I no longer have pain.  My blood work still shows that there should be pain, but I have no more pain than a "slightly overweight" female should who doesn't exercise.  LOL!
On July 29, 2012, Nichole and I visited Light of Love Fellowship in St. Louis.  We are a gay-affirming church where anyone and everyone is welcome regardless of background, etc.  (Light of Love Fellowship - STL) I was extremely skeptical of the church because it certainly was not a United Methodist Church.  It is labeled as a non-denominational church, but it is connected to the RPI (Reconciling Pentecostals International) church.  The website didn't say much, but going in we knew that they were a church that believed in speaking in tongues and baptism by immersion.  That's about it!

My Pastor Lenny Johnson getting fully ordained.
September 1, 2012 - MSQ 2012

SO, we went.  Worship was unlike any other worship I had experienced in my life.  There were people playing tambourines, shouting, jumping, dancing, clapping, lifting hands, etc!  The songs had a bit of a gospel twang to them, but nothing that I didn't mind! :)  THEN, there was a prayer - dum dum dum duuuuummmm.  (Get a lil' of Beethoven's 5th in there)  In the middle of the prayer, there seemed to be a lil' phrase of "gibberish" that I didn't understand.  I expected to bust up laughing at the strangeness of it all, but it seemed very normal and REAL that it didn't phase me.  At all.  During worship, people were not only shouting but shouting in tongues!!!  It was unfamiliar to me but didn't seem like they were doing anything wrong or anything like that.  The sermon came.  It was long, but good.  It was about cursing the fruitless trees in our life.  Things that get in the way of the Spirit like fear, doubt, our past, etc.  Let me tell ya, I had some junk to get rid of.  And while I've found that we do an altar call at every service (or at least 99%), I felt led to go up (even though it was my first Sunday at this new strange church).  I prayed, people laid hands, I cried, relief spread over me.  It was amazing...
We went back.  August 5, 2012 is a day that I will never forget!  It's my baptism day!  At the morning service, after much contemplation about Holy Spirit Baptism and speaking in tongues, Nichole and I received it!  We spoke in tongues and people prayed hard over us for us to let loose.  I resisted as much as I could because it was the craziest thing hearing jumbled sounds come out of my mouth.  It took a lot of faith to know that those sounds meant something to God.  Here's the link that I studied to learn more about Holy Spirit Baptism...if you don't know about speaking in tongues or if you wanna know more about the blessing and why it is still for today and why anyone can speak in tongues who want to...click on the link!!!  Holy Spirit Baptism Teaching
Anyway, so I was speaking in tongues but I was first paralyzed in fear.  I was scared to do it because it meant I had to give up control.  I was gonna sound a lil' crazy.  BUT, after doing it...I will never regret it.  Alright, so beyond that, after I calmed down and stopped shaking and regained movement/control of my body, I decided I wanted to be baptized in water again because I walked away from God and I wanted that fresh start and to make that declaration about what I believe and Who I believe in!  SO, I was baptized in water at the 6:30pm service.  The water was ice cold!  LOL!  The only thing I remember is that I was in pain going into the water, but coming up from it I had no pain.  About a week later, I began having pain again, but it was minimal.  So little I didn't let it bother me.  In fact, I stopped taking all of my meds.  YES, ALL of them excluding my vitamins and one to help that blood work figure itself out.  That meant I came off of my meds for sleeping, sensitivity, fibromyalgia.  That also meant that I came off of my bipolar mood-stabilizer, my anxiety meds, my anti-depressant, AND ALL of my narcotic pain medications.  I came off of the med controlling migraine prevention and the list goes on and on.  No more taking 22 pills before bedtime as well as in the morning and pain meds throughout the day.  It's amazing!!!!!!!!  I was so relieved!  I hadn't been that pain-free in over a year!!!  And from the mental side of things - I hadn't felt that good in YEARS!!!
Okay, so awesome, I'm now baptized and speaking in tongues.  Great.  BUT - it's more than that.

My Baptism by Water

Being filled with the Holy Spirit, through Holy Spirit Baptism (explained above in that link), has changed my life.  I have a confidence and boldness that I have never had before.  I recognize sin faster and more clearly than ever before.  I feel a special closeness to God that I had only felt on the mountain tops of my spiritual life and even now, I may be closer than ever before.  My prayer life exists and is more real than ever before. I study the Bible and understand it better than before.  I have a fire burning within me that is unlike any other that keeps me going, and while the enemy tries to blow it out now more than ever, he can't do it because he can't get me away from my God!  More than anything else, I feel loved.  I feel loved by God and by my church family.  I haven't felt this loved since I came out and told everyone I was marrying a woman.  Sure, my pastor is gay, but I can tell ya that he totally is in love with God and lives a holy and God-filled life!  So, why can't I be a lesbian and be head-over-heels in love with God?!  More than that, God still loves me.  period.  God hasn't abandoned me.  Others have, but they are people (gotta love 'em), BUT, GOD HASN'T!!!  He is my life now.  I can't wait to get home from work each day so I can spend more time with Him.  Reading His Word sounds more appealing than anything these days.  Addictions and hatred I've held onto for so long are being conquered in the name of Jesus Christ!  I've seen healing in supernatural ways and I've grown in faith more than ever!  The amazing thing is that even though I am back in church and in love with God, speaking in tongues, travailing, praying and studying daily, and worshiping like never before, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!!  I don't know what God has in store.  I don't know if I will be a pastor, evangelist, etc.  I don't know if I'll start or have my own church someday.  I don't know if I will travel the world as a missionary or if I will be called to go 1,491 miles like Abraham to another place!  BUT, what I do know is that the second I can stop taking my medications and the second I start feeling loved and like I have a purpose is the second that my life changed and I learned how to be REAL!

ANYWAY, that's about all I have for ya.  Needless to say, life is so much better than it's been.  Control has been given to God.  Forgiveness is reigning.  And the enemy hates...HATES all of this!  BUT, ha!  I'm roaring from the lion of the tribe of Judah!!!  And my ROAR will be loud!  LOOK WHAT MY LORD HAS DONE!!!!

Trapped & Turmoil

I feel trapped.

No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it.  And no.  Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is.  I could end the relationship if I wanted to.  And no.  I don't want to end the relationship.

Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.

No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen.  Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls.  SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea.  And that brings me to why I feel trapped.

Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions.  Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act.  Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will.  And I'm done listening to them.  My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo.  I'm trapped.  I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.

For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry.  For once I'm starting to live my life and love it.  I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be.  When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect.  It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke.  It is very real.  And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not.  I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love!  We want your support and your love.

With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live.  Recently, quite a few changes have taken place.  I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church.  I have changed my major umpteen million times.  I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa.  I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic.  Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered.  But all through it, I've begun to find myself.  I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me.  I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me.  It doesn't work that way.  You get to live your life, please let me live mine.  You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do.  But, I'm happy where I am at.  I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me.  It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.

In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture.  A society that is so set in stone is dangerous.  I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves.  This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV).  It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.

So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams.  It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all.  Thanks.  And respectfully comment if you so choose.

M&Ms....

Recently, I was put on a muscle relaxer.  The muscle relaxer does pretty well, but the pill is powdery and has a HORRIBLE taste.  It actually makes me sick to my stomach if I take it and do not eat something or drink something to get rid of the taste.  Usually, I keep M&Ms around to help with that!  They have kind of been my constant companion since my best friend told me that they were gluten-free!  :)  I also eat them for comfort, which isn't the greatest, but they make me a lil' happier when I'm down in the dump!  

There's a lot that I try to do to make me feel better.  I think it is interesting how each person, especially those with chronic pain, has those things that help them make it through the day.  I must say that my number one comfort is praying, or even just holding, my rosary.  I love to clench the cross, even though my hand is all red after doing so.  I do like eating them M&Ms.  Watching Netflix is top on my list too.  Anything that requires little effort but takes the concentration off of the pain helps.  Crocheting is fun to do because of how relaxing it is and then there is the enjoyment of finishing a project.  I have never made anything for myself other than a couple scarves when I was first starting, so I'm really excited about this blanket I am making! :)  Obviously, I like writing blogs to get out emotion and thoughts.  I also like to research Africa and different missionary programs or trying to learn the language - Swahili.  OR, learning more about Catholic beliefs...but I have to be half-way decently alive for that to happen.  :)  Right now, I'm watching my best friend play Tap Tap on my iPhone...on the hard level.  I am not coordinated enough for that...so I would get very frustrated very easily by doing that.  

Anyhow, that's kinda my thoughts on things that try to make me feel better on bad days even with the whole muscle relaxer thing.  They help me keep going in this life that isn't so fantastic sometimes.  Mmmm...M&Ms! (*reaching for bag of M&Ms regularly kept next to the bed*)

PS...I want a job so I can get a bunny.  :)  Lol.  

Justify

Since my decision to become a Catholic, I've fought many battles.  Sure, it's been a battle in the last few days as I've announced my decision...But here's the thing:

I shouldn't have to justify myself!

I shouldn't have to make an announcement to everyone about what I'm doing with my life.  I shouldn't have to give reasons why I believe what I do.  I don't feel like that furthers the kingdom of God!  I really don't know how else to say this.

For those of you who care, I'm writing my justification as best as I can and as fully as I feel comfortable putting out there for the world to see.  So here it goes.

I was led to the Catholic Church by God.  While my experiences in the Catholic Church weren't the greatest as a kid, I learned more and more as I spoke with friends, especially during my high school years.  Two of my friends sat at "The Christian Rejects' Table."  (That's the name I gave to our lunch table.)  These people who sat regularly with me for lunch became some of my closest friends.  Two of them were Catholic.  I think the discussions and debates that we had were steps in the right direction for me.  While I didn't win all of them and neither did they, I think we made huge leaps in establishing our own views of the Church and, most importantly, Christ.  I even began respecting their belief system by not eating meat on Fridays during Lent as well as giving up something more as a sacrifice and not being rude towards their opinions, no matter how wrong I thought they were.  I too would make the sign of the cross when we prayed with each other.  It was normal for me to become tolerant and explore other faiths as a high school student.  I must say that by having quite a few faiths present, the discussions were great:  Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Pagan, and Assembly of God.  And this was merely high school.

As I moved into college, I began to explore the various campus ministries.  I went to Green Room, which is a Methodist ministry, for quite a while.  I served on leadership and played in the worship band.  Then, we revised the ministry.  I was no longer on leadership.  I began to explore again.  I couldn't just sit around and only go to the worship service.  I tried to lead a small group (aka - life group), but the groups were discontinued after a while.  I must admit that I believe that discontinuing the groups was a bad decision as I look back.  Meanwhile, I went to a few Christian ministries that don't group themselves with a particular church.  I also tried CCM.  CCM is the Catholic Campus Ministry on Missouri State University's campus.  (Yes, that's the school where I've spent the last two years of my life.)  I went to a noon mass with a friend named Katie.  (Hopefully she doesn't mind!)  She really was an awesome example of the Catholic faith and made me want to explore it.  I researched it a bit.  I also want to know what all the things were that I was saying, or supposed to say.  Now, I'm happy to announce that I can successfully make it through a noon mass, knowing all the words!!!  Katie really encouraged me to come again, but because I couldn't take communion, I had a hard time going, though I loved the formality with which they approached communion.  I learned the whereabouts of what one is supposed to do and where one should go within the service.  I loved it though.  It was a break from all of the busyness of the school day.

As the semester broke and I was headed into my second year at MSU, I was called to cover my head.  I did NOT want to cover my head, yet I reluctantly followed God's prodding.  I must admit that I loved covering once I got past it all.  But, as I was researching it, I kept finding all these Christian women who covered their head...however, they were Catholic.  While they were not nuns, they still covered.  There's another time that I've dug into Scripture, but also the tradition of the church.  Of course, that was the Church - the Catholic Church.  So, I began doing all sort of research on Catholicism and wondered if the change might be good...however, there were still some doctrine that I didn't quite agree with.

This year has been phenomenal in regards to my spiritual life.  I never would have guessed that I would become angry at God.  But I did.  I never would have thought that my best friend would walk away from me and classify me in her heart as unforgivable, but then turn back four months later and forgive me.  I never would have thought that I would EVER be diagnosed with a chronic illness.  But I was.  I never would have thought that I would cover my head for a semester, even as a Muslim woman might...but I did.  I never would have guessed that I would begin the ministry process.  But I did.  I never would have guessed that I would END the ministry process, but I did.  You know, there are just things in your life that affect your spirituality.  My parents divorced and my health declined.  I became angry at God.  It was just how it played out.  I think what is so hard for me to grasp is how I grew from it all.  Even when I was angry at God I was still growing.  Even when I was classified as unforgivable, I was still growing.  Even when I looked like a Muslim woman, I was still growing.  I've grown from what I was a year ago and I won't stop growing.

God is taking me places in my life that I've never explored before.  I'm not becoming a Catholic merely because I believe what a Catholic believes.  It is more.  More than I feel comfortable telling.  But I'll give you a bit.

When I was angry at God, my devotional life completely declined.  I lost my discipline.  I lost the desire to want to know God.  I became someone who was merely going through the motions.  I don't want to be like that.  I want a church where I can be pushed to grow.  I want the accountability of confession.  I want to be able to show that reverence to my Savior that I've lost somewhere.  I found that in the Catholic church.  I want to go to mass with the intent to worship God.  I don't want to go there to evaluate the sermon and decide what I've learned.  I want to go there to worship.  I don't want to go to have a social life.  I want to go there to worship.  I think what I love most is that I still have the opportunity to learn and socialize outside of the hour of mass.  And now that I've researched Catholicism more than ever, I know the backing behind every disagreement I've had.  I can see where the Church is coming from and I'm okay with it.  But, like I said, becoming a Catholic is more than theology for me.  If it were merely theology, I would forget about it.  But it isn't.  It is a life decision.  I wasn't hasty in making it either.  It took years as I've written.  And it's been turning in my mind for months.  And it's been on my heart for weeks.  And it's been put there by God. 

One day, I will go to Africa.  And I will teach children how to read and write.  I will teach them how to take care of themselves.  But more than that, I will teach them the reverence of God that I've embraced.  I will teach them how God holds out His arms for them to come running to them on good days and bad days.  I will show them how to study God's Word.  I will show them the One who can bring hope and comfort to their lives.  I will go to Africa.  It may be dangerous.  It may be a crazy idea.  BUT...I don't want to go through the motions.  I don't want to regret it later in life by following what others want.  I want to live my life in the way I see fit to further the kingdom of God.  I am an adult, so I should be able to do that.  I'm grateful for all my parents have taught me thus far.  And they will continue to teach me.  But I hope that they and you can understand that I can't justify every life decision that I make.  I can't make everyone happy.  So, I'm focusing on one - God.

I want to be a Catholic.  And I want to go to Africa.  I don't want to have to justify everything to you, because I hope that eventually it will become normal for me to stray away from the Motions we get caught in...

Chosen & Defeated

Today, Nichole and I decided to try the Church of St. Cletus.  We went to the noon mass.  It was definitely a contemporary mass...and I felt completely at home.  To the few of you that I've talked to, you know the excitement that I have!  This is EXACTLY what I needed:  the reverence for the Christ and the Eucharist as well as the contemporary music to bring it to heart for me.  SO, I've chosen where I will be going in the coming weeks, months, and YEARS!  I hope to set up an appointment with one of the Fathers for later this week to talk about joining the fun and things like that!  I'd love to figure out how to do the whole Confession thing and begin doing that.  Sounds kinda crazy that I want to go to confession, but I really feel it would help me sort through my life and get it back to the "me" it used to be (only in a new phase of life).  In other words, I want the joy and the peace I had...AND the motivation and momentum to do anything my heart led me to do!

On another topic, I have a rheumatologist appointment in the St. Louis area Tuesday morning.  It's early so I have to drive from school to Monday evening after arriving home just today after a long weekend!  THEN, I must deal with the rheumy and drive back for more finals on Wednesday that I've not even looked at yet.  I'm already stressed about the finals I've been studying for that are tomorrow, none the less the finals I haven't studied for yet!!!  BUT...I've waited for this appointment for MONTHS so Mom thinks I should go.  I hate that I have to do all this driving.  It's a 4 hour trip which is hard on my body when it is weak like this.  It just really frustrates me that I have to deal with another doctor in the middle of finals week.  I'm nearly panicked.  I am in tears with frustration and stress keeps on piling on top of me.  :'(  I just don't know anymore.  My grades will drop this semester.  No doubt in that.  I'd love to keep my 4.0, but somehow I feel that isn't going to happen by a long shot!  I know that a B would be great for some people, but I have INCREDIBLY HIGH standards for myself.  I feel like I'm surrendering though.  I'm allowing my health to take priority over my school work and that isn't like me.  That's like this "me" that I've become because of the trauma my body has been through in recent months.  

I hate feeling like this.  I hate feeling like I have to choose between what I want and what my body wants.  My body hates me right now.  It hardly made it through the drive back here and now I'm going to terrorize it again and make the drive the next three days.  The stress isn't helping my body either.  And stress is kind of the definition for finals week.  But hey, it's only two weeks out of the year! 

So, I won't drag this out too long, but please say a prayer that this all works out as God wants.  I'm relying on Him to pull me through.  AND...I must confess that I AM SOOOOO EXCITED ABOUT BECOMING A CATHOLIC!!!!  LOL!  :)  Oh, and Happy Mothers' Day!

BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'm Addicted

I have confirmed that I am addicted to writing blog posts, especially when I'm dealing with a lot in regards to my spiritual life.  I know that I should be dealing with this in a way that is "less public."  However, I really love being able to think my way through things as I write.  So do bear with me. 

It's Sunday morning.  Almost 9am and I am still sitting in my pajamas.  I am not sure what to do.  I plan on going to noon mass with a friend, but I must admit that it seems like it is FOREVER AND EVER away!  It doesn't help that I was up SUPER early this morning! 

I couldn't sleep last night.  Between the pain and the anxiety, I slept lightly for most of the night.  Rarely did I fall completely asleep.  So, I did a lot of staring at the walls.  I do hope I'll sleep better tonight, but with finals tomorrow that I'm not really ready for, it is doubtful.  I hate not being able to feel in control and knowing what I'm doing.  This would be a lot easier if I could just get over myself and focus on God and His will.  So, here's to focusing on God!  :)

Journey into the Unknown

Today, I've really missed the familiar.  Ya know, the stuff I've been doing to worship Jesus for the last 19 years, 11 months, and one day!  But, I'm positive that I'm headed in the right direction.  Once I'm in His Presence, I know that what I'm doing is right.  As anyone might guess, it wears off.  And I freak out and my uncertainty comes back. But it isn't so much uncertainty about my decision as it is moving into the unfamiliar.  Anyhow, I don't want to drag this out because my hands hurt pretty bad right now as they are swollen, but...

I went up for a blessing at communion today, since I'm not Catholic yet.  The lady didn't really know what to do with someone who doesn't want or can't take communion.  So, I just tried to forgive and forget...but I couldn't forget.  It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.  I look back on it and laugh.  But at the time, I was nearly in tears.  It was hard enough being closed from the table, though I understand why I couldn't partake in the meal.  So, that will be one thing that I'll just have to learn to deal with while I'm not Catholic and perhaps this time away from the meal will help me truly appreciate the significance of it, though it pains me to wait.  Another phase of my wilderness.  :)

On another note, I "told" my Methodist pastor about becoming Catholic through an email after his asking if I could preach at the end of June.  So, hopefully he takes it well and doesn't ask too many questions.  ;) 

Okay.  I'm done.  I'm becoming a Catholic, so bear with me as I transition.  OH...And my best friend/sister, Nichole, says the bestest prayers ever!!!  :-)  So, enjoy the ride as I journey into the unknown......

The Battle Within

Last night, before I posted a blog about it, I talked to my parents and grandma about becoming Catholic AND becoming a missionary.  (Two hard pieces of news in one conversation!)  I can't tell you how hard it was to open up to them what's been on my heart.  I wasn't sure how exactly they would react, but I had a pretty good picture.  It was hard to talk to people that had raised me in the church, even if they didn't always go or practice what was preached.  But, now they know.  I know that I have the support of my dad and grandma no matter what I do or where I go to church as long as I'm following Jesus.  My mom has a lot of questions and concerns, most of which are understandable.  All in all, it is up to me, though, in how I choose to live my life in Christ. 

While I am not second-guessing myself, I do have a battle going on between my mind and my heart.  My mind tells me that I'm leaving what I know best and that in itself is stupid.  But my heart tells me that I'm following what God wants, even if it means leaving my comfort zone of Methodism.  My mind tells me that my family (my mom, dad, sibs, grandma) will not be able to take communion at my church ever again and that saddens me.  But my heart tells me that I understand the "closed table" and that one day I will have a family of my own who will be able to take communion with me.  My mind tells me that this may create a struggle in my spiritual leading of my immediate family.  But my heart tells me that I can't always be the leader and I must do what I feel is best for me.  My mind was scared of the transition between the churches.  But my heart is telling me to press on.  So, there was this battle going on.  Frankly, my mind was winning last night and it put me in a pretty ugly place where the stress was affecting my body.  As I was telling my struggle to my best friend Nichole she was trying to calm the battle.  While her arguments were incredibly good, it just didn't seem to be calming the anxiety the battle had created.  I don't have any clue if she has any recollection of this, but she "out of the blue" said a prayer for me.  It made me cry, and since I was laying down, I had tears running into my ears.  I can't even remember a lot of what she said, but whatever it was...it was good!  This sense of complete peace spread over my body.  My heart stopped racing.  My mind went still before the Throne. 

The battle was won.  My heart persevered.  I knew I was following Christ's lead.  It is as if He has His arm around my shoulder as we walk down this path that is very unfamiliar to me.  But I can look into His eyes and see the glimmer of a smile.  I am a bit excited for what lies ahead...Well, VERY excited! 

Yes this battle was won, but the war will continue.  But, my heart has restored hope and it isn't alone for it has Christ within.  I just have to remember to go with who Christ wants me to be, rather than who the world is telling me to be.  But for now...

My heart has won the battle within....

Maamuzi

I've made my decision.  So, thanks to all those who have said a prayer for me.  I really appreciate it.

Clearly, the name of this blog is not English.  In fact, it is Swahili for "decisions."  I've been making a lot of decisions lately.  Not to be a pastor was a HUGE decision.  However, I'm finding a lot of freedom in that and finding my way in life, including my Purpose.  I'm finding that there are ways outside of the pulpit that I can lead people to Jesus.  And honestly, they are pretty HUGE ways.

I've decided to become a missionary.  I want to go to Africa with the Maryknoll Lay Missioners.  It is a Catholic organization that takes care of EVERYTHING you can imagine to make sure as much work for Jesus gets done as possible!  Hopefully, I will be able to teach English and spend time with the lil' ones in Kenya!  It is also a three and a half year program, with four weeks of vacation, a stipend to cover living expenses, and MUCH more!  Honestly, it is my DREAM program.

But by now you've noticed that it is a Catholic organization.  Why am I looking at a Catholic organization?  Because I am joining the Catholic church.  I have really been praying about my life and its direction.  After really feeling like God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, I felt led to the Catholic church.  I have a friend who is a pretty strong Catholic.  After going to Mass a few times, I just feel more at home in the Catholic church.  I've discussed, pretty extensively, what the Catholics believe.  I have done TONS of research about their doctrine and every single thing I've ever disagreed with, I don't disagree with anymore.  I just feel like going to the Catholic church is the right thing for me.  As for the concepts of not taking communion for the next while and going to confession, they make me sad and slightly uncomfortable respectively, but I will press on and get through it.  Confession only makes me a little uncomfortable because it is so foreign to me.  But, I'm sure I'll get used to it.  I love the reality of it.  SO, I hope I will have the support of everyone in making this transition.  Believe me, I have NOT taken this decision lightly.  Most of you reading this know that I was born and raised United Methodist and have rarely strayed from that path.  But, take comfort in that I fully believe that I'm a Christian believing that Jesus came to earth to die on a cross to save me.  I am just going to follow where God leads me.  It is a plus that there are MANY programs out there for missionaries in the Catholic church.

These are the decisions, or maamuzi, that I've been praying about and settling.  I am open to discussion, but not debate.  Thanks for your cooperation on that!  Anyway, that's what's going on!!!  Happy Dead Day!

My rosary.  :)

Confessions of Change

Today has been hard.  I woke up with a headache and fibro pain that I thought would be the death of me.  BUT, I was still on a positivity kick from my best friend, Nichole.  So, I had the song Blessings by Laura Story playing in my head over and over and over and over.  At first, it was really annoying.  I even played it a couple times via YouTube, but I couldn't get it out of my head.  Soon, it became more of a comfort.  I sang along and tried to allow the words to flow from my heart.  By the time I was leaving that morning, I had been annoyed by the song, comforted by the song, encouraged by the song, and made fun of the song because of the fantastic mood that I was in, amidst the pain. 

I had a pretty decent time with classes and hanging out with a new friend.  I did something today that I intend on doing again tomorrow.  I reminded myself of my purpose.  But, within some time, I was back to stressed out Samantha.  I listened to the details of my final exam for one of my classes.  Needless to say, it freaked me out!  Eight essays..."You may need more than one blue book?!"  WHAT?!  Immediately, I had my mind on my health issues.  I was thinking about how it generally goes now-a-days where my writing hand goes numb or hurts like crazy to where it can't function after a short time of taking notes.  I freaked out.  My breathing became shallow and quick.  I started to get super nervous.  My headache reappeared, that had dissipated after a couple hours this morning, stronger than ever.  Nichole tried to calm me.  But the exam was still approaching and still making me anxious.  In the midst of our conversation, I got the feeling that my nerves weren't helping her whatsoever, so I tried to drop the topic and brought up the dreaded topic of health.  Clearly that was a bad idea, because afterward she got off the phone as soon as she possibly could.  (Now, this is only my side of the story, so do not blame her whatsoever for what has been said.)  This topic seems to be identified as negative.  Especially since health issues are always seeming to cause pain.  Mine are limited compared to what Nichole fights against every single day of her life.  Gotta admit, I still admire her perseverance to keep fighting no matter what comes her way.  It's something deep within her that I still haven't figured out, but that I hope I have that in me too.  :)

Anyhow, it wasn't until later that I figured out what I had done.  And at first, it really frustrated me.  I have been talking to her about her health since the beginning, and she's heard about my health (even before the fibro crap) since the beginning of our friendship.  It was common for us to respond to the "How are you?" question with health or school/work issues.  I felt like it was a huge rope in our friendship because we were able to answer honestly and openly.  But now, it is almost a thread that you don't want to cut for fear the day may fall apart.  HOWEVER, I still believe the question can be asked.  I know that the strive to be positive can fall apart if we really dwell on the answer to the question.  I know that I begin to survey all of my pain and how many bad things happened that day.  But, it could be much easier on us as humans if we answer openly, but without dwelling too much on the bad.  If we looked at the good in relation to the bad.  I just fear that I answer how are you questions with much too negative and LONG answers. So, brevity is becoming my new specialty and I will be open to further questioning if wanted.  I can't wait for the days when I can answer "How are you?" with fantastic, regardless of how I may be feeling that day!

Along with all of the conversational side of things, I'm making some changes in my life.  And honestly, some of them are pretty big changes.  One of which is the switch to more positive thinking!  This completely has to rearrange my way of thinking.  Instead of dwelling on the pain I am feeling, I have to focus on other things.  And sometimes, I have to focus REALLY HARD! So, I don't know what is going to become of this.  I think it is going to be something I just have to train myself to do.  So, bear with me as I make the change.

Another change is the shift in my career.  I know I seem to be going back and forth with this one.  But, I'm positive now.  (This is where the title comes in.  Haha.)  I'm not going to be a United Methodist Pastor.  Surprise!  I would really love to discuss this more, but it would take three blog posts in itself!  In brief, I don't feel like God has called me to lead the church in this way.  I feel like I would have such a comfortable life.  I know that some think this is my God-given dream, but it isn't my dream.  I've thought a lot about it.  And yes, I feel very comfortable in the pulpit! But, it isn't where God has called me to be.  As I think back to my calling, God seemed to place a desire in my heart for something, or rather, somewhere other than America.  Yes, Africa.  I never felt comfortable in the ministry process.  It just isn't my home.  God has called me to be a pastor in a different way.  He has called me to be a missionary.  It goes back to my purpose.  To help people...and to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth! 

If this switch displeases you, or if you feel I'm making the wrong decision, I'm sorry.  But, I'm following God's lead.  Until now, I haven't seen exactly where He was leading.  I wanted so badly for it to go my way and to be planned out.  But, I got mad at God for all the health issues.  And while I didn't run away, I protested.  I stopped doing daily devotions.  Prayer time became my list of requests time, without any time to listen for a response.  Study was...only when absolutely necessary for some group or church thing.  I started to find church to be unhelpful.  Friends had deserted.  Family issues peaked.  Nothing was going my way.  But then, the dream of Africa was watered.  It was renewed.  I began searching my heart for what I know best.  I began to examine my life as a disciple of Jesus.  Frankly, I failed.  Miserably!  But, the longing was there.  The desire to know God has been fueled.  Depression and anger will not win!!!  I won't let it.  I can't let it.  My faith is what has held me to this point, and it will be what holds me until the end of my life and beyond! 

Tonight, I got pretty down.  A person that I usually spend a lot of my time talking to in the evenings decided to take a break from the world.  I didn't know what to do.  I went to a campus ministry night with a friend.  Not going to lie, I had a great time!  The people became a family, and soon I knew quite a few names and faces and a lot about their personality.  It just made my night.  Too bad it is at the end of the semester that I found this campus ministry.  But, the social aspect of my life tonight got me going again. 

I'm not saying that I need a jillion more friends.  Honestly, I love the one best friend that I have with all that I am.  But, being able to goof off tonight and act like a college student was something I hadn't done in a while with all my oldladyitis. 

On my way home from the campus ministry night, I stopped at a Christian book store.  (Yes, Dad...)  I picked up a "missions journal."  I'm not really sure what it is all about, but I really feel the need to start journaling again and getting into the habit of reading Scripture.  This blog has really become a journal, but I need a place to journal prayers, that may be a lil' too private for the blogging world.  ;)  Anyhow, I hope it is something that I can keep up with and that I can be encouraged by the experience of examining exactly where God has called me to be a missionary and how that might take place.

ALSO...There is one more change that I'm making in my life.  I can't discuss it on here right now, but a few people know what I'm referring to.  I can just assure you that I'm making this decision with a huge amount of prayer and discernment.  But, the decision is, indeed, mine to make.  So, I'd appreciate any and all prayers you can send up for me.

As I pulled into my apartment complex tonight, I noticed the moon.  I probably haven't looked at the sky in ages.  But, no joke, it looked like the moon was smiling at me.  Had I not slowed my day down enough to focus on God, I would have NEVER seen the moon.  I would have never seen the silver smile that seemed to confirm that all I am doing is good. 

So, there are my confessions of change.  I am just trying to remember that no matter what, life will be good.  Not always simple or easy, but good.  And God is with me.  And His Presence can mean all the difference between a good day and a bad day.  That's all I got!  Adios!

Heartache and Healing...

So, I thought I would write to make sure everyone is up to speed about what's going on in my life right now...

I am still covering. It has been going pretty well. Yesterday, my church family saw me with my head cover on for the second week in a row. (I went home to preach last weekend, and I wore it.) I think most people just assumed that it was a fashion statement the first time, but it really shocked some people to see me with it on again! I had one woman come up to me in tears because she didn't understand why I was covering "such beautiful hair." Honestly, my heart broke, yet I was reminded of why I wear my head cover. It isn't because of vanity. I don't wear it for modesty...I wear it because of the Scripture and what God has specifically asked me to do in regards to that Scripture. It's been 37 days that I have worn my head covering full time (meaning while I am awake). During this time, I have been reminded constantly to pray (especially when people are so distraught with my decision that they stare for long, awkward amounts of time). I have learned not to make my covering another meaningless habit. I think a major part of it is making sure that I remind myself why I cover every morning when I get up. If I don't have my devotional time in the morning where I connect on a deep level with God and remind myself why I cover, the day goes much rougher than it should go! Looking forward to learning more about myself, others, and ultimately God through my head covering...

This past week was EXTREMELY hard on me. I really fell into a depressed mood with no motivation or passion for anything in this life, or for life itself. It caused a lot of heartache on me, and the persons pulling me through the storm! I REALLY appreciate my besties! :) It didn't help that I did a lot of questioning about what I believe and who God really is...And my favorite, HOW DOES THE TRINITY MAKE SENSE?!?! At one point in time, I was so frustrated with the fact that, sometimes, God is incomprehensible that I stopped looking to God for help to get me through everything. (Not a wise choice.) However, because a friend was struggling with many of the same issues, we were able to talk about life and our beliefs. Some of it, we were able to work out...but I think our main conclusion is Job 42...Sometimes, we don't always know what God is up to...BUT, we have to trust that He knows what's best and have a lil' faith (even as small amount as a mustard seed) to pull us through. And thus, the healing began...

The healing is still happening. The aches are still wearing off from this past week...but God is healing them through asking me to dig into His Word and stay on my knees in a regular prayer time. Through fellowship with other Christians and worship, I am able to stay connected, which is SOOO important!

Anyhow, I told myself not to make this too long...so if you've actually made it to here...THANKS for reading! :) So, that's all for now!

Loving God, Loving People...That's what it's all about! Realize there will be heartache and healing along the way...But God never leaves your side!