Look What the Lord has Done

WOW!  It has been FOREVER since I last wrote.  I have a lot to say and most of it will be boring if ya know me, but if you haven't seen me or heard from me in a while, well, this will catch ya up...and then FB me or something!  I miss my people from MSU and EHS!  Alright, so here we go and I'll see what I can do to keep it from skipping all over the place!

WORK 
I am currently working at a day rehabilitation center for people with disabilities.  I've been there since the VERY end of May 2012 and I LOVE it!  They did all of their own training and I couldn't be happier with my job!  I work with about 10 women (coworkers) even though most of the participants are guys.  I have an awesome time with them whether it is doing crafts, reading books, watching movies, playing games, or even teaching them a lil' something, reading, or writing.  I work with adults who have disabilities BUT they range in age from 18yo to 70-something.  Someday, I'd love to run a center for pediatric disabilities as an after-school/summer program, but I have a long way to go before that can happen!  The only downfall to where I work is that I am the youngest by like 25 years.  Most of the time, it really doesn't matter, but the few short times...it can be real unhandy!  But, I do my job and I always try to go over and above.  I never leave work without knowing that I am making a difference and doing something worthwhile.  Which is an awesome feeling!!!

SCHOOL 
Currently, I'm not in school.  I thought I would go back this fall (2012), but I really decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to do so.  Finances are a complete mess right now.  I'm planning a wedding (more on that later).  I love my job and I'd have to switch jobs if I went back to school because of the field I'm in.  And I don't know, honestly, if I want to go back.  At least, not right now.
The main reason I had decided to quit going was so that I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life and where I was headed.  It was totally something I did out of faith because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy with me coming out of school.  (I also had quit because of my worsening health...more on that later too.)  BUT, now, I have some sense of direction - and it doesn't necessarily involve schooling at the collegiate level.
Like I said before, I love my job and I'd love to open somewhere for kids with disabilities (no matter how severe) to come and learn and just be around other people!  BUT, I've also regained a sense of calling to my life.  A sense of where I'm at ministry wise.  And because of that (which I'm gonna talk about later too), I don't think I will go back unless it is for a Christian ministry degree..OR something in the field I'm currently working in.  Okay...going on since life seems to overlap in more than one category!  LOL!

WEDDING
Yes, I mentioned it earlier, but I am planning a wedding.  A wedding for November 17, 2012!!!  It had initially been planned for August of 2014, however because Nichole's grandma is not doing fantastic with her cancer, we moved it up.  (Prayers requested for her as she is starting her third round of chemotherapy for colon cancer.)  Anyway, we are planning it in about three months when we had initially thought it would be like...2 years from now!!!  It is a bit stressful, although I'm more relaxed about it than Nichole is!  LOL.  We do have someone helping plan the wedding for free though, so that helps!  AND...it will be a smaller and simpler wedding than we had initially imagined it to be.  (Which is great, but many friends and even family on both sides won't be included.)  We are having it in Nov, so clearly it won't be an outside wedding like we had initially planned either...AND, unlike we had planned - we will actually be able to have a pastor wed us!!!  (Thanks to Pastor Lenny! - More on him later.)  Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings to my HS and MSU friends who won't be able to come.  We will only have about 3 months of budgeting to pay for the wedding since neither sides' family will help with the cost of the wedding.  (Mainly because of their beliefs on homosexuality and marriage...which is whatever these days.)  I can't afford our original list of nearly 300 guests so now it is about 50 with only immediate family members and grandparents invited.  Sucks, but we'd rather have her grandma there with us to support us than a big (expensive) wedding.  Hope everyone can understand!

HEALTH & GOD (They go together now.)
So, this is a bit of a testimony because I no longer have pain.  My blood work still shows that there should be pain, but I have no more pain than a "slightly overweight" female should who doesn't exercise.  LOL!
On July 29, 2012, Nichole and I visited Light of Love Fellowship in St. Louis.  We are a gay-affirming church where anyone and everyone is welcome regardless of background, etc.  (Light of Love Fellowship - STL) I was extremely skeptical of the church because it certainly was not a United Methodist Church.  It is labeled as a non-denominational church, but it is connected to the RPI (Reconciling Pentecostals International) church.  The website didn't say much, but going in we knew that they were a church that believed in speaking in tongues and baptism by immersion.  That's about it!

My Pastor Lenny Johnson getting fully ordained.
September 1, 2012 - MSQ 2012

SO, we went.  Worship was unlike any other worship I had experienced in my life.  There were people playing tambourines, shouting, jumping, dancing, clapping, lifting hands, etc!  The songs had a bit of a gospel twang to them, but nothing that I didn't mind! :)  THEN, there was a prayer - dum dum dum duuuuummmm.  (Get a lil' of Beethoven's 5th in there)  In the middle of the prayer, there seemed to be a lil' phrase of "gibberish" that I didn't understand.  I expected to bust up laughing at the strangeness of it all, but it seemed very normal and REAL that it didn't phase me.  At all.  During worship, people were not only shouting but shouting in tongues!!!  It was unfamiliar to me but didn't seem like they were doing anything wrong or anything like that.  The sermon came.  It was long, but good.  It was about cursing the fruitless trees in our life.  Things that get in the way of the Spirit like fear, doubt, our past, etc.  Let me tell ya, I had some junk to get rid of.  And while I've found that we do an altar call at every service (or at least 99%), I felt led to go up (even though it was my first Sunday at this new strange church).  I prayed, people laid hands, I cried, relief spread over me.  It was amazing...
We went back.  August 5, 2012 is a day that I will never forget!  It's my baptism day!  At the morning service, after much contemplation about Holy Spirit Baptism and speaking in tongues, Nichole and I received it!  We spoke in tongues and people prayed hard over us for us to let loose.  I resisted as much as I could because it was the craziest thing hearing jumbled sounds come out of my mouth.  It took a lot of faith to know that those sounds meant something to God.  Here's the link that I studied to learn more about Holy Spirit Baptism...if you don't know about speaking in tongues or if you wanna know more about the blessing and why it is still for today and why anyone can speak in tongues who want to...click on the link!!!  Holy Spirit Baptism Teaching
Anyway, so I was speaking in tongues but I was first paralyzed in fear.  I was scared to do it because it meant I had to give up control.  I was gonna sound a lil' crazy.  BUT, after doing it...I will never regret it.  Alright, so beyond that, after I calmed down and stopped shaking and regained movement/control of my body, I decided I wanted to be baptized in water again because I walked away from God and I wanted that fresh start and to make that declaration about what I believe and Who I believe in!  SO, I was baptized in water at the 6:30pm service.  The water was ice cold!  LOL!  The only thing I remember is that I was in pain going into the water, but coming up from it I had no pain.  About a week later, I began having pain again, but it was minimal.  So little I didn't let it bother me.  In fact, I stopped taking all of my meds.  YES, ALL of them excluding my vitamins and one to help that blood work figure itself out.  That meant I came off of my meds for sleeping, sensitivity, fibromyalgia.  That also meant that I came off of my bipolar mood-stabilizer, my anxiety meds, my anti-depressant, AND ALL of my narcotic pain medications.  I came off of the med controlling migraine prevention and the list goes on and on.  No more taking 22 pills before bedtime as well as in the morning and pain meds throughout the day.  It's amazing!!!!!!!!  I was so relieved!  I hadn't been that pain-free in over a year!!!  And from the mental side of things - I hadn't felt that good in YEARS!!!
Okay, so awesome, I'm now baptized and speaking in tongues.  Great.  BUT - it's more than that.

My Baptism by Water

Being filled with the Holy Spirit, through Holy Spirit Baptism (explained above in that link), has changed my life.  I have a confidence and boldness that I have never had before.  I recognize sin faster and more clearly than ever before.  I feel a special closeness to God that I had only felt on the mountain tops of my spiritual life and even now, I may be closer than ever before.  My prayer life exists and is more real than ever before. I study the Bible and understand it better than before.  I have a fire burning within me that is unlike any other that keeps me going, and while the enemy tries to blow it out now more than ever, he can't do it because he can't get me away from my God!  More than anything else, I feel loved.  I feel loved by God and by my church family.  I haven't felt this loved since I came out and told everyone I was marrying a woman.  Sure, my pastor is gay, but I can tell ya that he totally is in love with God and lives a holy and God-filled life!  So, why can't I be a lesbian and be head-over-heels in love with God?!  More than that, God still loves me.  period.  God hasn't abandoned me.  Others have, but they are people (gotta love 'em), BUT, GOD HASN'T!!!  He is my life now.  I can't wait to get home from work each day so I can spend more time with Him.  Reading His Word sounds more appealing than anything these days.  Addictions and hatred I've held onto for so long are being conquered in the name of Jesus Christ!  I've seen healing in supernatural ways and I've grown in faith more than ever!  The amazing thing is that even though I am back in church and in love with God, speaking in tongues, travailing, praying and studying daily, and worshiping like never before, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!!  I don't know what God has in store.  I don't know if I will be a pastor, evangelist, etc.  I don't know if I'll start or have my own church someday.  I don't know if I will travel the world as a missionary or if I will be called to go 1,491 miles like Abraham to another place!  BUT, what I do know is that the second I can stop taking my medications and the second I start feeling loved and like I have a purpose is the second that my life changed and I learned how to be REAL!

ANYWAY, that's about all I have for ya.  Needless to say, life is so much better than it's been.  Control has been given to God.  Forgiveness is reigning.  And the enemy hates...HATES all of this!  BUT, ha!  I'm roaring from the lion of the tribe of Judah!!!  And my ROAR will be loud!  LOOK WHAT MY LORD HAS DONE!!!!

Trapped & Turmoil

I feel trapped.

No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it.  And no.  Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is.  I could end the relationship if I wanted to.  And no.  I don't want to end the relationship.

Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.

No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen.  Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls.  SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea.  And that brings me to why I feel trapped.

Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions.  Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act.  Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will.  And I'm done listening to them.  My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo.  I'm trapped.  I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.

For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry.  For once I'm starting to live my life and love it.  I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be.  When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect.  It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke.  It is very real.  And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not.  I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love!  We want your support and your love.

With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live.  Recently, quite a few changes have taken place.  I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church.  I have changed my major umpteen million times.  I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa.  I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic.  Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered.  But all through it, I've begun to find myself.  I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me.  I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me.  It doesn't work that way.  You get to live your life, please let me live mine.  You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do.  But, I'm happy where I am at.  I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me.  It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.

In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture.  A society that is so set in stone is dangerous.  I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves.  This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV).  It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.

So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams.  It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all.  Thanks.  And respectfully comment if you so choose.

Maamuzi

I've made my decision.  So, thanks to all those who have said a prayer for me.  I really appreciate it.

Clearly, the name of this blog is not English.  In fact, it is Swahili for "decisions."  I've been making a lot of decisions lately.  Not to be a pastor was a HUGE decision.  However, I'm finding a lot of freedom in that and finding my way in life, including my Purpose.  I'm finding that there are ways outside of the pulpit that I can lead people to Jesus.  And honestly, they are pretty HUGE ways.

I've decided to become a missionary.  I want to go to Africa with the Maryknoll Lay Missioners.  It is a Catholic organization that takes care of EVERYTHING you can imagine to make sure as much work for Jesus gets done as possible!  Hopefully, I will be able to teach English and spend time with the lil' ones in Kenya!  It is also a three and a half year program, with four weeks of vacation, a stipend to cover living expenses, and MUCH more!  Honestly, it is my DREAM program.

But by now you've noticed that it is a Catholic organization.  Why am I looking at a Catholic organization?  Because I am joining the Catholic church.  I have really been praying about my life and its direction.  After really feeling like God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, I felt led to the Catholic church.  I have a friend who is a pretty strong Catholic.  After going to Mass a few times, I just feel more at home in the Catholic church.  I've discussed, pretty extensively, what the Catholics believe.  I have done TONS of research about their doctrine and every single thing I've ever disagreed with, I don't disagree with anymore.  I just feel like going to the Catholic church is the right thing for me.  As for the concepts of not taking communion for the next while and going to confession, they make me sad and slightly uncomfortable respectively, but I will press on and get through it.  Confession only makes me a little uncomfortable because it is so foreign to me.  But, I'm sure I'll get used to it.  I love the reality of it.  SO, I hope I will have the support of everyone in making this transition.  Believe me, I have NOT taken this decision lightly.  Most of you reading this know that I was born and raised United Methodist and have rarely strayed from that path.  But, take comfort in that I fully believe that I'm a Christian believing that Jesus came to earth to die on a cross to save me.  I am just going to follow where God leads me.  It is a plus that there are MANY programs out there for missionaries in the Catholic church.

These are the decisions, or maamuzi, that I've been praying about and settling.  I am open to discussion, but not debate.  Thanks for your cooperation on that!  Anyway, that's what's going on!!!  Happy Dead Day!

My rosary.  :)

Confessions of Change

Today has been hard.  I woke up with a headache and fibro pain that I thought would be the death of me.  BUT, I was still on a positivity kick from my best friend, Nichole.  So, I had the song Blessings by Laura Story playing in my head over and over and over and over.  At first, it was really annoying.  I even played it a couple times via YouTube, but I couldn't get it out of my head.  Soon, it became more of a comfort.  I sang along and tried to allow the words to flow from my heart.  By the time I was leaving that morning, I had been annoyed by the song, comforted by the song, encouraged by the song, and made fun of the song because of the fantastic mood that I was in, amidst the pain. 

I had a pretty decent time with classes and hanging out with a new friend.  I did something today that I intend on doing again tomorrow.  I reminded myself of my purpose.  But, within some time, I was back to stressed out Samantha.  I listened to the details of my final exam for one of my classes.  Needless to say, it freaked me out!  Eight essays..."You may need more than one blue book?!"  WHAT?!  Immediately, I had my mind on my health issues.  I was thinking about how it generally goes now-a-days where my writing hand goes numb or hurts like crazy to where it can't function after a short time of taking notes.  I freaked out.  My breathing became shallow and quick.  I started to get super nervous.  My headache reappeared, that had dissipated after a couple hours this morning, stronger than ever.  Nichole tried to calm me.  But the exam was still approaching and still making me anxious.  In the midst of our conversation, I got the feeling that my nerves weren't helping her whatsoever, so I tried to drop the topic and brought up the dreaded topic of health.  Clearly that was a bad idea, because afterward she got off the phone as soon as she possibly could.  (Now, this is only my side of the story, so do not blame her whatsoever for what has been said.)  This topic seems to be identified as negative.  Especially since health issues are always seeming to cause pain.  Mine are limited compared to what Nichole fights against every single day of her life.  Gotta admit, I still admire her perseverance to keep fighting no matter what comes her way.  It's something deep within her that I still haven't figured out, but that I hope I have that in me too.  :)

Anyhow, it wasn't until later that I figured out what I had done.  And at first, it really frustrated me.  I have been talking to her about her health since the beginning, and she's heard about my health (even before the fibro crap) since the beginning of our friendship.  It was common for us to respond to the "How are you?" question with health or school/work issues.  I felt like it was a huge rope in our friendship because we were able to answer honestly and openly.  But now, it is almost a thread that you don't want to cut for fear the day may fall apart.  HOWEVER, I still believe the question can be asked.  I know that the strive to be positive can fall apart if we really dwell on the answer to the question.  I know that I begin to survey all of my pain and how many bad things happened that day.  But, it could be much easier on us as humans if we answer openly, but without dwelling too much on the bad.  If we looked at the good in relation to the bad.  I just fear that I answer how are you questions with much too negative and LONG answers. So, brevity is becoming my new specialty and I will be open to further questioning if wanted.  I can't wait for the days when I can answer "How are you?" with fantastic, regardless of how I may be feeling that day!

Along with all of the conversational side of things, I'm making some changes in my life.  And honestly, some of them are pretty big changes.  One of which is the switch to more positive thinking!  This completely has to rearrange my way of thinking.  Instead of dwelling on the pain I am feeling, I have to focus on other things.  And sometimes, I have to focus REALLY HARD! So, I don't know what is going to become of this.  I think it is going to be something I just have to train myself to do.  So, bear with me as I make the change.

Another change is the shift in my career.  I know I seem to be going back and forth with this one.  But, I'm positive now.  (This is where the title comes in.  Haha.)  I'm not going to be a United Methodist Pastor.  Surprise!  I would really love to discuss this more, but it would take three blog posts in itself!  In brief, I don't feel like God has called me to lead the church in this way.  I feel like I would have such a comfortable life.  I know that some think this is my God-given dream, but it isn't my dream.  I've thought a lot about it.  And yes, I feel very comfortable in the pulpit! But, it isn't where God has called me to be.  As I think back to my calling, God seemed to place a desire in my heart for something, or rather, somewhere other than America.  Yes, Africa.  I never felt comfortable in the ministry process.  It just isn't my home.  God has called me to be a pastor in a different way.  He has called me to be a missionary.  It goes back to my purpose.  To help people...and to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth! 

If this switch displeases you, or if you feel I'm making the wrong decision, I'm sorry.  But, I'm following God's lead.  Until now, I haven't seen exactly where He was leading.  I wanted so badly for it to go my way and to be planned out.  But, I got mad at God for all the health issues.  And while I didn't run away, I protested.  I stopped doing daily devotions.  Prayer time became my list of requests time, without any time to listen for a response.  Study was...only when absolutely necessary for some group or church thing.  I started to find church to be unhelpful.  Friends had deserted.  Family issues peaked.  Nothing was going my way.  But then, the dream of Africa was watered.  It was renewed.  I began searching my heart for what I know best.  I began to examine my life as a disciple of Jesus.  Frankly, I failed.  Miserably!  But, the longing was there.  The desire to know God has been fueled.  Depression and anger will not win!!!  I won't let it.  I can't let it.  My faith is what has held me to this point, and it will be what holds me until the end of my life and beyond! 

Tonight, I got pretty down.  A person that I usually spend a lot of my time talking to in the evenings decided to take a break from the world.  I didn't know what to do.  I went to a campus ministry night with a friend.  Not going to lie, I had a great time!  The people became a family, and soon I knew quite a few names and faces and a lot about their personality.  It just made my night.  Too bad it is at the end of the semester that I found this campus ministry.  But, the social aspect of my life tonight got me going again. 

I'm not saying that I need a jillion more friends.  Honestly, I love the one best friend that I have with all that I am.  But, being able to goof off tonight and act like a college student was something I hadn't done in a while with all my oldladyitis. 

On my way home from the campus ministry night, I stopped at a Christian book store.  (Yes, Dad...)  I picked up a "missions journal."  I'm not really sure what it is all about, but I really feel the need to start journaling again and getting into the habit of reading Scripture.  This blog has really become a journal, but I need a place to journal prayers, that may be a lil' too private for the blogging world.  ;)  Anyhow, I hope it is something that I can keep up with and that I can be encouraged by the experience of examining exactly where God has called me to be a missionary and how that might take place.

ALSO...There is one more change that I'm making in my life.  I can't discuss it on here right now, but a few people know what I'm referring to.  I can just assure you that I'm making this decision with a huge amount of prayer and discernment.  But, the decision is, indeed, mine to make.  So, I'd appreciate any and all prayers you can send up for me.

As I pulled into my apartment complex tonight, I noticed the moon.  I probably haven't looked at the sky in ages.  But, no joke, it looked like the moon was smiling at me.  Had I not slowed my day down enough to focus on God, I would have NEVER seen the moon.  I would have never seen the silver smile that seemed to confirm that all I am doing is good. 

So, there are my confessions of change.  I am just trying to remember that no matter what, life will be good.  Not always simple or easy, but good.  And God is with me.  And His Presence can mean all the difference between a good day and a bad day.  That's all I got!  Adios!

Thunderstorms

When I was a kid, I used to watch the thunderstorms come and go.  I hated them when I was real young, or so I think.  They scared me.  Mom used to tell me that the angels were bowling in heaven.  And when lightening struck, it was because someone got a "strike."  Clever, right?  Yes, I know most mommies tell this to their children, or some similar tale. 


When I got older, like high school, I began to love thunderstorms.  Not because the bowling tale was believable, but because I found it absolutely phenomenal that the heavens could do something so powerful that would shake the ground beneath my feet and rattle the house, or light up the sky with one stroke of light.  It was interesting.  I used to sit on the front porch of a friend's house and watch them with her.  I remember a time like this when she told me her life story.  We must have been out there for hours.  By the end, I was practically in tears.  Now, I'd like to keep her name confidential just because it's polite and I didn't ask her if I could share her story anyway.  But here's the brief story.  She was abused as a kid by her father.  She watched as her sisters were thrown against the wall for no good reason.  Her mother was abused.  Her mother has MS.  After her mother was handicapped by this horrendous condition, my friend took over the responsibilities of the household while her sisters (3 of them) lived their lives.  (Her parents divorced when she was young.)  She was home-schooled until fifth grade.  By the age of 11, she knew how to balance a checkbook as she took care of paying all of the bills.  She attempted to get her sisters to follow a chore chart.  In reality, she did most of the cleaning.  If the cleaning didn't get done by her, it didn't get done.  Period.  She took care of her mother.  Giving her shots when necessary or medicines.  Making her mother's doctor appointments.  I'm pretty sure she mastered every life skill by the age of 12.  I had no idea what to say or what to do.  I was probably in 8th grade, maybe 9th grade listening to this story from a girl who had hardly said anything EVER to me.  Turns out she was one of the only people I could share my heart with, and I did that sparingly because my life seemed so insignificant to hers.  Nonetheless, I still think about sitting on that porch speechless every time a thunderstorm rolls around.  I wonder what fascinated her about thunderstorms.  I never asked.  Perhaps I should have.  We hardly stay in contact anymore now that she's a married woman with her whole life ahead of her, but she is still one of the greatest Christians I have ever known...


Thunderstorms are hard on my body, but I still love to watch them.  I'm looking forward to them tomorrow, even though it will probably rain out the event I'm supposed to help with, but probably won't end up going at all so I can see my Aunt D.  :)  BUT...Without a doubt, as I'm watching the storms with a cup of orange juice (since I can't find a gluten-free hot chocolate mix) and a good book, I will remember that porch.  I can see it in my mind right now, her face.  The solemness that she spoke with as she spilled her life to me.  I remember trying my hardest to hold back the tears that wanted to flow from my eyes.  I remember the feeling of how blessed, how IMMENSELY blessed I felt after hearing her story. 


It's amazing what thunderstorms can do...

Praying the Rosary

My Rosary

Recently, I have begun to pray the rosary.  

No, I am not Catholic.  I am a protestant.  

However, I have begun to see a peace from God and reverence for God that I haven't had in a REALLY long time.  While you may think that this is a horrible thing and that I should be able to get those things (peace and reverence) by doing something else...okay, you may be right.  But, for me, the rosary isn't about praying to Mary, Jesus' mother.  It is a meditation tool.  It is something that I can do to keep me focused.  It gives me something to play with while I pray, something to say while I meditate, and something specific to meditate on.  While I don't agree with one set of the mysteries (because I don't know that they are biblical because they go off of assumptions), I still LOVE the other three sets of mysteries.  

There are four sets of five mysteries: Joyful, Sorrowful, Glorious, and Luminous.  If one wishes to pray the rosary, you typically choose one set of the mysteries to meditate on, rather than doing all 20 mysteries (4 sets), or follow the pattern set by Pope John Paul II.  

If you wish to know more about how to pray the rosary you can follow this link and it will give you instructions on how to pray and the set of mysteries for each day:  How to Pray the Rosary 

I do not plan on ever becoming Catholic, as I do not agree with much of their doctrine.  But, I love this meditation tool of the rosary.  And I don't only have the choice of praying the mysteries, I can also pray the rosary for a person or special need.  

Here is a link to a great website that will explain more about the mysteries as well as some FAQ that you probably are thinking too!  Might explain some of those horrible things that you are thinking about me because of what you consider the rosary to be.  The Rosary - Catholic Bible 101


I am more than happy to discuss this rosary thing with you, so if you have a question or concern, feel free to post a comment or email me.  Hope to hear your thoughts!
 

It's 46 Days, Not 40!

Today is Ash Wednesday. It is the time in the Christian church where many people either give up or take on something in resemblance to what Christ did for us on the cross. The traditional number for it is 40 days, though in reality it is 46 days. It goes until Easter. Some people give up chocolate, soda, sweets, television, etc. or they take on something like reading the Bible more often, giving more time to service, spending more time in prayer, etc.

This year, I have given up FBYTG, which stands for Facebook, YouTube, and Google. I'm not really excited about doing it, however I know that I will have much more free time for the next 46 days. This morning, my daily check of the internet took approximately 4 minutes. I checked my two email addresses, and I was done. I have no idea how I'm going to do with this sacrifice. Along with making this sacrifice, I have committed myself to spending 30 specific minutes studying the Word of God. Recently, I slacked off in this and devoted much of any time that I spent with God in prayer. I realized I was doing too much talking in the relationship with I examined myself and my relationship with God, so thus, this commitment was made.

Because this is really the only way that I'm posting online for the next while, I want to warn you that this blog is generally pretty person. It's who I am. It's who I've claimed to be and who I've reclaimed as who I actually am. So, I don't keep a filter on this. If you are one who doesn't want to know the truth, turn back now or forever hold your peace. Haha. I do make the comment box available, so you are always welcome to post your thoughts, comments, or questions. Now, while this is my out-pouring of my heart, I don't want this to take the place of what Facebook had become for me. I will only post once, perhaps twice, a day. And the posts will probably be long, but not books like I sometimes write. Today's is longer because I'm doing more explaining. However, most will be short updates or thoughts on life. Perhaps I'll even include a bit about what I've learned.

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a pretty cheesy person. So, I'm going to tell you what I think I'm going to learn and we'll see how it compares in 40 days...well, 46 days.

Facebook had become a huge addiction for me recently with all the stuff that's been going on with my health. Facebook honestly became my lifeline to the world. On bad days for pain, I would sit and scroll up and down FB CONSTANTLY and chat with people, look at friends' profile pages, and keep up with what is going on in FB world, not to mention post LOTS of statuses (some more positive than others). Obviously, that lifeline is gone for the next while. I hope that my lifeline will be screwed in correctly this time. I hope my lifeline becomes God. Now, I know that is kind of an obvious one, but I'm also having issues with trust. Even today, I freaked out a little bit because I realized that I've completely detached myself from Facebook. I stopped the FB texts from coming to my phone. I logged completely out of FB. (I may even block the website from my computer for the time being.) AND...I deleted the FB app off my phone and replaced it with a Bible app. Talk about a rude awakening when I push that spot?! Haha. Anyway, back to the trust thing. There are some people that the only connection I have with them is through FB. There are some that will not contact me until Easter because I will be off FB. There are some people who will be able to tell me one thing and post another on FB. I can't tell you how nervous I am about it all. I guess it's my control factor kicking in too. I can't have those posts immediately coming to my phone so I can control the situation. The crazy thing is that these people also know that I'm off FB until Easter. So, in reality, they could post anything (even in regards to me) on FB, and I would never know until Easter. I know that I shouldn't feel that way and that I should be able to trust my friends to talk to me if they have a problem or put decent statuses up and understand why I can't look at them right now. But, I can't. I've been hurt too many times. Ya know, it was a lot easier to give up FB when all my friendships were doing just fine. Haha...So there's that issue that I really feel like God will be working on. And I'm still scared and nervous about it, but there isn't anything I can do but trust that God will get myself and my friendships through what may seem like forever, but merely 46 days. Hopefully He can nix some jealousy out too that is connected with the whole issue. But, I won't go into that right now!

I gave up YouTube, merely because it is something I turn to when I am bored. It isn't something that I'm addicted to, but I think the relief from it will be enjoyable.

And then there's Google. Now, why would someone give up Google for 46 days?! It connects back to my trust issue. I research everything, especially in regards to my health. So, other than what I need from such a wonderful search engine to do my homework, I won't be doing much research with it. I want to be able to trust people and trust that God knows what He is doing with my body. I hope and pray I don't regret this sacrifice. I don't think I will, but it'll be one of the more difficult ones.

ANYHOW...I gotta go. Apparently, I am going in to work today at my mom's office. Hopefully I have the energy to withstand it, but we'll see. Have an awesome day!!! Happy Ash Wednesday!

Surgery, Scarves, & Somewhat Similar Stuff

I thought I would catch-up my blog on what's been happening and what will be happening. Hopefully I won't bore you! :)
Since we last spoke, I have made it through Day 100...so today is Day 104 of head covering. What the most exciting part of it all was that I got NEW covers which arrived (*I planned it that way*) on Day 100! Honestly, I have fallen IN LOVE with them! I really like wearing pashmina scarves, but I wanted something similar...but different. I love my new covers enough to wear them often, though they are more different than first intended. The one covering that I haven't become adjusted to enough to wear out of my room is my amira (see picture). I like it on me, but I am not sure I am ready to wear it out in the "real world." I think part of it is that I look, yet again, "very Muslim" in an amira. Some people truly see this as a bad thing. However, there is sooo much more than that involved in wearing any sort of a covering on one's head. My best friend told me last night that I look good with my head covered. It took me a while to accept that someone might actually like my covering. I've gotten so much "crap" about it (especially in the beginning) that it was something I had to commit myself to do, or else I would fail miserably. So hearing someone honestly say that they like it is DEFINITELY a plus! Head covering, for me, is very different from what most people would assume. It has a part to play in modesty, but that is one of the LAST things on my list. I have never felt the need to cover more than my hair. Some women find it necessary to cover her neck or even their entire body shape. I don't. It's more to me than modesty. It's more to me than a rule. Technically speaking, I don't HAVE to cover my head. My religion does not require it. I will not be beaten if I leave my home with my head uncovered. Head covering isn't a rule for me. Nor do I hold other people to this imaginary rule. Head covering has become more than a witness tool. Head covering has a HUGE part in my life because of the role it does play. I am able to hear from God more clearly. I am able to relate to other women who cover their heads no matter what religion they claim. I am able to recognize sin in a way that isn't judgmental of anyone other than myself. And most of all, I am able to humble myself. It isn't that my hair is my pride. But the action of doing something different than MOST Americans is truly humbling. I have guys that open doors for me when I have NO CLUE who they might be. Are they the kind of guys who open doors for everyone? Probably not. I am able to be respected in a way that most people aren't. However, the experience is more than being treated better. It's realizing that God will provide in miscellaneous ways that remind me that I am one, small human being (literally!), yet that I can be used when I humble myself before Him in obedience.
I have found that living for Jesus is not always easy. Sometimes, He asks you to do things that you really would rather not do. This is about the 4th thing He's asked me to do that I have tried my hardest not to do. I have failed miserably each time. And life is not the greatest until I do so. Anyhow...enough with that. BUT...One more question and I'll move on to everything else I'd like to talk about...As I was walking on campus today, I realized something that is more of a confession than anything. I sometimes feel ashamed. Not because of what God has done...and I am by no means ashamed of God. But, I am ashamed of Christianity as a religion and as a people. I don't know which I prefer to be recognized as...a Christian or a Muslim...both can be horrible people or absolutely amazing and strong in their beliefs. That is one thing that I have learned about the Islam population on campus: They are INCREDIBLY strong. They have to know what they believe in, and be willing to be ridiculed when it doesn't agree with what someone else believes. It makes me sick to think that we waste so many opportunities every day because we don't want to offend anyone or make them feel uncomfortable. People will be burning in hell because we don't upset the norm. Public Service Announcement: THE NORM IS NOT GOD'S WAY!!! It never has been and will never be until we get off our rear-ends and be the people God has called us to be...The people He CREATED us to be!
Alright...well, now that I've stepped off my soap-box...My best friend is having surgery on Wednesday, November 24th. I would sincerely appreciate it if you would say a prayer for Nichole. This will be my first actual hospital experience. Yes, I've been to hospitals and briefly visited people. But, I've not been the one in the waiting room waiting for a loved one to get out of surgery (Yes, I love her...she's my best friend and knows me inside and out!). I've never been there for anyone when the anesthesia wears off. I've never done any of it. I'm definitely new to it. And to a point, I'm scared that I will screw up. She says that she isn't scared for the surgery, so that's good...BUT that means I'm more scared than she is, even with the small amount of nerves that I have built over the past couple of weeks. On a good note: I'm getting together my Surgery Day Fun Box...and this process is fun in itself! :)
I think that's all I have for you for now...Let me know what you're thoughts are...comment!!! And please remember to say a prayer for Nichole...and you don't have to wait for the 24th to start...she would appreciate them now too as the pain is ridiculous from the diseases she suffers from. Anyhow...Thanks for reading! Shabbat Shalom! Happy Friday!!!