Look What the Lord has Done

WOW!  It has been FOREVER since I last wrote.  I have a lot to say and most of it will be boring if ya know me, but if you haven't seen me or heard from me in a while, well, this will catch ya up...and then FB me or something!  I miss my people from MSU and EHS!  Alright, so here we go and I'll see what I can do to keep it from skipping all over the place!

WORK 
I am currently working at a day rehabilitation center for people with disabilities.  I've been there since the VERY end of May 2012 and I LOVE it!  They did all of their own training and I couldn't be happier with my job!  I work with about 10 women (coworkers) even though most of the participants are guys.  I have an awesome time with them whether it is doing crafts, reading books, watching movies, playing games, or even teaching them a lil' something, reading, or writing.  I work with adults who have disabilities BUT they range in age from 18yo to 70-something.  Someday, I'd love to run a center for pediatric disabilities as an after-school/summer program, but I have a long way to go before that can happen!  The only downfall to where I work is that I am the youngest by like 25 years.  Most of the time, it really doesn't matter, but the few short times...it can be real unhandy!  But, I do my job and I always try to go over and above.  I never leave work without knowing that I am making a difference and doing something worthwhile.  Which is an awesome feeling!!!

SCHOOL 
Currently, I'm not in school.  I thought I would go back this fall (2012), but I really decided that it wouldn't make sense for me to do so.  Finances are a complete mess right now.  I'm planning a wedding (more on that later).  I love my job and I'd have to switch jobs if I went back to school because of the field I'm in.  And I don't know, honestly, if I want to go back.  At least, not right now.
The main reason I had decided to quit going was so that I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life and where I was headed.  It was totally something I did out of faith because I knew my parents wouldn't be happy with me coming out of school.  (I also had quit because of my worsening health...more on that later too.)  BUT, now, I have some sense of direction - and it doesn't necessarily involve schooling at the collegiate level.
Like I said before, I love my job and I'd love to open somewhere for kids with disabilities (no matter how severe) to come and learn and just be around other people!  BUT, I've also regained a sense of calling to my life.  A sense of where I'm at ministry wise.  And because of that (which I'm gonna talk about later too), I don't think I will go back unless it is for a Christian ministry degree..OR something in the field I'm currently working in.  Okay...going on since life seems to overlap in more than one category!  LOL!

WEDDING
Yes, I mentioned it earlier, but I am planning a wedding.  A wedding for November 17, 2012!!!  It had initially been planned for August of 2014, however because Nichole's grandma is not doing fantastic with her cancer, we moved it up.  (Prayers requested for her as she is starting her third round of chemotherapy for colon cancer.)  Anyway, we are planning it in about three months when we had initially thought it would be like...2 years from now!!!  It is a bit stressful, although I'm more relaxed about it than Nichole is!  LOL.  We do have someone helping plan the wedding for free though, so that helps!  AND...it will be a smaller and simpler wedding than we had initially imagined it to be.  (Which is great, but many friends and even family on both sides won't be included.)  We are having it in Nov, so clearly it won't be an outside wedding like we had initially planned either...AND, unlike we had planned - we will actually be able to have a pastor wed us!!!  (Thanks to Pastor Lenny! - More on him later.)  Anyway, I hope there are no hard feelings to my HS and MSU friends who won't be able to come.  We will only have about 3 months of budgeting to pay for the wedding since neither sides' family will help with the cost of the wedding.  (Mainly because of their beliefs on homosexuality and marriage...which is whatever these days.)  I can't afford our original list of nearly 300 guests so now it is about 50 with only immediate family members and grandparents invited.  Sucks, but we'd rather have her grandma there with us to support us than a big (expensive) wedding.  Hope everyone can understand!

HEALTH & GOD (They go together now.)
So, this is a bit of a testimony because I no longer have pain.  My blood work still shows that there should be pain, but I have no more pain than a "slightly overweight" female should who doesn't exercise.  LOL!
On July 29, 2012, Nichole and I visited Light of Love Fellowship in St. Louis.  We are a gay-affirming church where anyone and everyone is welcome regardless of background, etc.  (Light of Love Fellowship - STL) I was extremely skeptical of the church because it certainly was not a United Methodist Church.  It is labeled as a non-denominational church, but it is connected to the RPI (Reconciling Pentecostals International) church.  The website didn't say much, but going in we knew that they were a church that believed in speaking in tongues and baptism by immersion.  That's about it!

My Pastor Lenny Johnson getting fully ordained.
September 1, 2012 - MSQ 2012

SO, we went.  Worship was unlike any other worship I had experienced in my life.  There were people playing tambourines, shouting, jumping, dancing, clapping, lifting hands, etc!  The songs had a bit of a gospel twang to them, but nothing that I didn't mind! :)  THEN, there was a prayer - dum dum dum duuuuummmm.  (Get a lil' of Beethoven's 5th in there)  In the middle of the prayer, there seemed to be a lil' phrase of "gibberish" that I didn't understand.  I expected to bust up laughing at the strangeness of it all, but it seemed very normal and REAL that it didn't phase me.  At all.  During worship, people were not only shouting but shouting in tongues!!!  It was unfamiliar to me but didn't seem like they were doing anything wrong or anything like that.  The sermon came.  It was long, but good.  It was about cursing the fruitless trees in our life.  Things that get in the way of the Spirit like fear, doubt, our past, etc.  Let me tell ya, I had some junk to get rid of.  And while I've found that we do an altar call at every service (or at least 99%), I felt led to go up (even though it was my first Sunday at this new strange church).  I prayed, people laid hands, I cried, relief spread over me.  It was amazing...
We went back.  August 5, 2012 is a day that I will never forget!  It's my baptism day!  At the morning service, after much contemplation about Holy Spirit Baptism and speaking in tongues, Nichole and I received it!  We spoke in tongues and people prayed hard over us for us to let loose.  I resisted as much as I could because it was the craziest thing hearing jumbled sounds come out of my mouth.  It took a lot of faith to know that those sounds meant something to God.  Here's the link that I studied to learn more about Holy Spirit Baptism...if you don't know about speaking in tongues or if you wanna know more about the blessing and why it is still for today and why anyone can speak in tongues who want to...click on the link!!!  Holy Spirit Baptism Teaching
Anyway, so I was speaking in tongues but I was first paralyzed in fear.  I was scared to do it because it meant I had to give up control.  I was gonna sound a lil' crazy.  BUT, after doing it...I will never regret it.  Alright, so beyond that, after I calmed down and stopped shaking and regained movement/control of my body, I decided I wanted to be baptized in water again because I walked away from God and I wanted that fresh start and to make that declaration about what I believe and Who I believe in!  SO, I was baptized in water at the 6:30pm service.  The water was ice cold!  LOL!  The only thing I remember is that I was in pain going into the water, but coming up from it I had no pain.  About a week later, I began having pain again, but it was minimal.  So little I didn't let it bother me.  In fact, I stopped taking all of my meds.  YES, ALL of them excluding my vitamins and one to help that blood work figure itself out.  That meant I came off of my meds for sleeping, sensitivity, fibromyalgia.  That also meant that I came off of my bipolar mood-stabilizer, my anxiety meds, my anti-depressant, AND ALL of my narcotic pain medications.  I came off of the med controlling migraine prevention and the list goes on and on.  No more taking 22 pills before bedtime as well as in the morning and pain meds throughout the day.  It's amazing!!!!!!!!  I was so relieved!  I hadn't been that pain-free in over a year!!!  And from the mental side of things - I hadn't felt that good in YEARS!!!
Okay, so awesome, I'm now baptized and speaking in tongues.  Great.  BUT - it's more than that.

My Baptism by Water

Being filled with the Holy Spirit, through Holy Spirit Baptism (explained above in that link), has changed my life.  I have a confidence and boldness that I have never had before.  I recognize sin faster and more clearly than ever before.  I feel a special closeness to God that I had only felt on the mountain tops of my spiritual life and even now, I may be closer than ever before.  My prayer life exists and is more real than ever before. I study the Bible and understand it better than before.  I have a fire burning within me that is unlike any other that keeps me going, and while the enemy tries to blow it out now more than ever, he can't do it because he can't get me away from my God!  More than anything else, I feel loved.  I feel loved by God and by my church family.  I haven't felt this loved since I came out and told everyone I was marrying a woman.  Sure, my pastor is gay, but I can tell ya that he totally is in love with God and lives a holy and God-filled life!  So, why can't I be a lesbian and be head-over-heels in love with God?!  More than that, God still loves me.  period.  God hasn't abandoned me.  Others have, but they are people (gotta love 'em), BUT, GOD HASN'T!!!  He is my life now.  I can't wait to get home from work each day so I can spend more time with Him.  Reading His Word sounds more appealing than anything these days.  Addictions and hatred I've held onto for so long are being conquered in the name of Jesus Christ!  I've seen healing in supernatural ways and I've grown in faith more than ever!  The amazing thing is that even though I am back in church and in love with God, speaking in tongues, travailing, praying and studying daily, and worshiping like never before, THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING!!!  I don't know what God has in store.  I don't know if I will be a pastor, evangelist, etc.  I don't know if I'll start or have my own church someday.  I don't know if I will travel the world as a missionary or if I will be called to go 1,491 miles like Abraham to another place!  BUT, what I do know is that the second I can stop taking my medications and the second I start feeling loved and like I have a purpose is the second that my life changed and I learned how to be REAL!

ANYWAY, that's about all I have for ya.  Needless to say, life is so much better than it's been.  Control has been given to God.  Forgiveness is reigning.  And the enemy hates...HATES all of this!  BUT, ha!  I'm roaring from the lion of the tribe of Judah!!!  And my ROAR will be loud!  LOOK WHAT MY LORD HAS DONE!!!!

Shift in the Wind

I know I have been an absolutely horrible blogger as of late.  And I know I probably say that every time.  BUT SERIOUSLY!!!  I mean it.  So, needless to say, I have a lot to mention....

I'm going to talk about the boring stuff first, so just bear with me and then I'll talk about my exciting news!!!  I've been diagnosed with Lupus (SLE).  I didn't think it would hurt me as badly as it did, but I was really struck down by it.  I may still be a bit annoyed with the whole thing, but what can I do about it.  At least I have answers when some people don't even have those!  Also, I've been put on umpteen million meds for it, so I guess we will see how those take effect.  I think I"m in a huge flare considering I can't do anything to get myself comfortable.  I feel like I have the flu, only not really.  It feels worse.  And it feels worse every day.  I try to remember, people's worst day of being sick with the flu is my good day.  There are worse days, but never better days.  So, my normal day becomes a good day.  That probably made no sense whatsoever, but there.  I couldn't sleep last night.  I kept waking up in pain and tossing and turning to get uncomfortable (because I was never comfortable).  I won't even go through everything that hurts because I'd never get to the good stuff!!!  SO.....I'm worried about keeping my job, since my body is always sick to work......Anyhow......

A much better topic....Things with Nichole (my fiance) and I have been extremely good.  She has moved in with me and the adjustment has gone quite well.  The families are beginning to adjust, but it seems like no talk is better than any talk.  My relationship with my mom is improving, which is awesome.  Other than that, things with the family are pretty good.  Charlie Triton (the Dragonscale Beta Fish) is doing quite awesome, though he might be on fishy-crack.  And Ashes Cadberry and Emily are doing quite well (the bunnies).  They made the move quick and easy.  ALTHOUGH......All of the animals' homes need to be cleaned, which means the mommies better get to work!!!  ;)

SPEAKING OF WORK....I think I have finally figured out what I want to aim for in my professional life.  I want to be a school nurse.  Now, for those of you who have followed me from the beginning when I was in music education....then communication....then ministry process....then creative writing......then english education........YES...I know.  The average college student changes their major 5 times.  I (technically) have only changed in twice and now a third time.  BUT...I highly doubt I'll be changing it again.  Why?

I love kids.

I love helping people.

I love educating people.

Ever since I was little, I considered myself a teacher.  So, growing up....I was always the teacher, but the side of me that was always kept secret was the "mom" side of me.  I'm the one who wants to take care of you when you're sick and clean up your vomit so it doesn't cause more to spew out of your mouth.  (Yes, I had to make that a vivid description.)  I'm the one who can look into your eyes to know how you truly feel.  But more than that, I love to talk to people about health issues, be it anything.  I also have this skill of being able to communicate something to someone even if I may not be completely passionate about the topic...I am passionate about education though.  And I want that child who just wants their mommy for their sick tummy or that child who deals with pain every day to be able to come to me for help.  And I want to talk to classes about sexuality (yes, a major thing in schools right now) and their own health.  Perhaps I'm crazy.

I've pushed the sciences away for so long because I thought I was more into the side of things that were humane and nurturing...little did I realize I was pushing away the very thing that I should be doing.  A long time ago, I was told that I just wanted to help people....and however I did that and whenever I did that was up to me, but that was what was going to make me happy....helping people.  I want to help people in this way.  And I know that it's going to take me a while to get to the point where I can be in a school setting.......but I will enjoy the journey knowing what will lie ahead.  I am good at the sciences anyway.  They come easily to me.  I can only hope that I can make my way through nursing school.  LOL!!!

While this is quite the shift from the creative humanities, I truly think I will enjoy it.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....someone famous said that.  I think.  I know I'm not going to be happy if I keep doing what I'm doing....so something has to change.

It is certainly a change, but that doesn't mean that I'm not going to miss things from the creative arts....I don't think I'll be able to keep up in nursing school while doing 3 music groups.  Honestly, I love playing, but I'm going to have to keep it as a hobby, rather than doing it at the professional level.  And I don't think I'll be writing many short stories, but I'll keep my blogs going for peace of mind.  Regardless, I'll have Nichole....and that's all that matters to me right now.

Only the one who feels the breeze is the one who sees the shift in the wind........

GREAT Read

This is by FAR the best letter ever written.  I would never have this letter written to me, but...I think it is pretty darn hilarious.  Take it as a joke...but seriously, it's great!!!  I did not write it, so I have no credibility in this piece of art.  It was shared to me through a group that I am in on Facebook.  Regardless, please enjoy the great read below entitled:


"Advice from an ER Doctor to a Drug Seeker"

OK, I am not going to lecture you about the dangers of narcotic pain medicines. We both know how addictive they are: you because you know how it feels when you don't have your vicodin, me because I've seen many many many people just like you. However, there are a few things I can tell you that would make us both much happier. By following a few simple rules our little clinical transaction can go more smoothly and we'll both be happier because you get out of the ER quicker.

The first rule is be nice to the nurses. They are underpaid, overworked, and have a lot more influence over your stay in the ER than you think. When you are tempted to treat them like shit because they are not the ones who write the rx, remember: I might write for you to get a shot of 2mg of dilaudid, but your behavior toward the nurses determines what percent of that dilaudid is squirted onto the floor before you get your shot.

The second rule is pick a simple, non-dangerous, (non-verifiable) painful condition which doesn't require me to do a four thousand dollar work-up in order to get you out of the ER. If you tell me that you headache started suddenly and is the 'worst headache of your life' you will either end up with a spinal tap or signing out against medical advice without an rx for pain medicine. The parts of the story that you think make you sound pitiful and worthy of extra narcotics make me worry that you have a bleeding aneurysm. And while I am 99% sure its not, I'm not willing to lay my license and my families future on the line for your ass. I also don't want to miss the poor bastard who really has a bleed, so everyone with that history gets a needle in the back. Just stick to a history of your 'typical pain that is totally the same as I usually get' and we will both be much happier.

The third rule (related to #2) is never rate your pain a 10/10. 10/10 means the worst pain you could possibly imagine. I've seen people in a 10/10 pain and you sitting there playing tetris on your cell phone are not in 10/10 pain. 10/10 pain is an open fracture dangling in the wind, a 50% body surface deep partial thickness burn, or the pain of a real cerebral aneurysm. Even when I passed a kidney stone, the worst pain I had was probably a 7. And that was when I was projectile vomiting and crying for my mother. So stick with a nice 7 or even an 8. That means to me you are hurting by you might not be lying. (See below.)

The fourth rule is never ever ever lie to me about who you are or your history. If you come to the ER and give us a fake name so we can't get your old records I will assume you are a worse douchetard than you really are. More importantly though it will really really piss me the fuck off. Pissing off the guy who writes the rx you want does not work to your advantage.

The fifth rule is don't assume I am an idiot. I went to medical school. That is certainly no guarantee that I am a rocket scientist I know (hell, I went to school with a few people who were a couple of french fries short of a happy meal.) However, I also got an ER residency spot which means I was in the top quarter or so of my class. This means it is a fair guess I am a reasonably smart guy. So if I read your triage note and 1) you list allergies to every non-narcotic pain medicine ever made, 2) you have a history of migraines, fibromyalgia, and lumbar disk disease, and 3) your doctor is on vacation, only has clinic on alternate Tuesdays, or is dead, I am smart enough to read that as: you are scamming for some vicodin. That in and of itself won't necessarily mean you don't get any pain medicine. Hell, the fucktards who list and allergy to tylenol but who can take vicodin (which contains tylenol) are at least good for a few laughs at the nurses station. However, if you give that history everyone in the ER from me to the guy who mops the floor will know you are a lying douchetard who is scamming for vicodin. (See rule # 4 about lying.)

The sixth and final rule is wait your fucking turn. If the nurse triages you to the waiting room but brings patients who arrived after you back to be treated first, that is because this is an EMERGENCY room and they are sicker than you are. You getting a fix of vicodin is not more important than the 6 year old with a severe asthma attack. Telling the nurse at triage that now your migraine is giving you chest pain since you have been sitting a half hour in the waiting area to try to force her into taking you back sooner is a recipe for making all of us hate you. Even if you end up coming back immediately, I will make it my mission that night to torment you. You will not get the pain medicine you want under any circumstances. And I firmly believe that if you manipulate your way to the back and make a 19 year old young woman with an ectopic pregnancy that might kill her in a few hours wait even a moment longer to be seen, I should be able to piss in a glass and make you drink it before you leave the ER.

So if you keep these few simple rules in mind, our interaction will go much more smoothly. I don't really give a shit if I give 20 vicodins to a drug-seeker. Before I was burnt out in the ER I was a hippy and I would honestly rather give that to ten of you guys than make one person in real pain (unrelated to withdrawal) suffer. However, if you insist on waving a flourescent orange flag that says 'I am a drug seeker' and pissing me and the nurses off with your behavior, I am less likely to give you that rx. You don't want that. I don't want that. So lets keep this simple, easy, and we'll all be much happier.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood ER doctor

Two Extremes

Let's see, good news or bad news first.......

BAD NEWS:  My rheumatologist appointment did not go well.  Good part of the bad news?  My rheumy doesn't think I have rheumatoid arthritis.  That's great, but I am still in tons of pain every day and she isn't doing anything about it.  Even if it is only the fibromyalgia that is causing all of the problems, she didn't even adjust any meds or give any advice on how to reduce/stop the pain.  It is making me crazy! My body is not some piece of useless material that can be thrown to the side while the doctor waits to mend it.  It doesn't work like that.  I have to be able to use my body!  Ha.  I want to be able to do so many things, but I can't if I don't have the strength to do it.  OR, if I physically can't because of the pain.  I hate that doctors pull you along on this vision that they know what they are talking about, BUT when it comes to diagnosing you, they are completely oblivious to your symptoms of pain and don't know/understand what is causing the pain and how to fix it.  And ANYONE who tells me that I don't like this doctor because they didn't diagnose me with something I thought I might have because a doctor told me I might have it is NO friend of mine.  That is probably the WORST thing you can tell someone who struggles every day with an invisible disease and experiences the pain that I feel.  It is hard enough as it is.  Don't make it worse.  I pay doctors to help me get better.  This one isn't.  That means they are not doing their job.  Don't tell me that I am just mad because the doctor didn't diagnose me with rheumatoid arthritis.  Just...don't make it worse.

On to a better topic...

GOOD NEWS:  I AM FULLY REGISTERED FOR FALL 2011 CLASSES!!!!!!  I had orientation and registration for my new university that I am transferring my credits to.  I breezed through most of the day.  I didn't have to take the english or math assessments...which was AWESOME!!!  And then I figured out that I definitely have enough loans and financial aid to help with the costs for the upcoming year.  Again, awesome.  After financial aid, I got to register for classes, which was BY FAR my favorite part.  I registered as an English major...but not just a simple English major, rather a SECONDARY ENGLISH EDUCATION major!!!!!!  I'm really excited about it.  My classes aren't that exciting, but I am back in the music realm too!  WHICH IS REALLLLLLLYYYYYY EXCITING!!!

Anyhow, I'm done typing for now.  There's the two extremes of my day, and it's not even 4pm yet!  Still have a ways to go....So Adios!

Family

It's been a while since I posted, so I figured I would today!  First and foremost, happy independence day!  Welcome to mid-summer!  Hope you all are staying cool and DRY?!  It looks like it will be an okay night for fireworks, considering it was pouring all afternoon/evening yesterday!!!  So that's exciting!  I heard rumor that we were shooting off our own fireworks tonight at Nichole's place.  I haven't done that in YEARS, so while I'm not lighting them, I want to make sure to give others a hard time about it.  Just kidding!!!  (Kind of...lol.)

Since it is July, the Kelly family is gearing up to go OUT OF THE COUNTRY?!?!?!  I take them to the airport on Friday afternoon for them to leave for their Baltic Cruise.  I am terribly jealous, because I know they are going to have a PHENOMENAL TIME!!!!!!!  Plus, I've never been out of the country, nor on a cruise ship, and they get to do both!  So, that's really exciting for Nichole and her family.  It'll be exciting to hear all of their stories when they return.  As they gear up to go cruisin', I am learning all I can about taking care of their pets.  They have two dogs (easy!!!), two bunnies (which are ADORABLE), and two birds (which seem easy, but still are a bit scary).  Today, I got out the bunnies to love on them a while while Nichole was at work.  They are so cute and totally worth the coated clothes!!!  Okay, legitimately, my clothes are COVERED in bunny fur.  I changed completely afterwards.  As I'm getting to know the bunnies and being able to get them out by myself, I'm feeling more comfortable with taking care of them.  I don't want their animals to be cooped up in a cage for two weeks, so being able to get them out and back in without any huge obstacles is comforting!!!  And while Ashes likes to cuddle, Emily is active and fun to play with.  She is slowly growing on me!  :)  As for the birds, I'm learning.  They are seeming easier to handle than what I first imagined.  Ruby, the African Grey, doesn't really care for me, but I'm learning tricks for how to deal with her. I learned how to feed Freckles, the cockatiel, last night.  He isn't too bad, and while he enjoys flying, he was hurt last week in a flying adventure so in recovering for that, he is not flying much.  His wings were clipped.  So, while he may not like me very much, at least I don't have to chase him around too much! Haha.  The dogs, Bailey and Clyde, are easy to take care of.  They like their food wet, which is gross, but whatever?!  Lol.  They are the most laid back, well-behaved dogs I have EVER encountered!!!  They listen to me better than my own dog, Jax, listens to me!!!  So, needless to say, I'm learning how to take care of their most precious family additions.  

I'm much better today than I was yesterday.  I really don't like this new med that I started last week.  It makes me extremely tired and groggy.  I sleep 10+ hours a night, which I really can't afford to get into the habit of.  No issue of insomnia there!!!  My body hurts still, but what's new?!  I am doing better in the long run, but I still seem to be in more pain than I should be in.  After a talk with my best friend last night, I think it would probably be best to try a different course in meds or something!  The physical therapy is helping, but outside of the sessions, I'm not doing the greatest at keeping up with it.  The exercises are not as simple as they seem and I fear I am doing them wrong when I do them.  BUT, it is nice to walk out of a PT session with pain levels as low as 1!  Hopefully, my rheumatologist can figure out why my rheumatoid factor is high and why I still have tons of joint pain even though I'm on a medicine used to treat rheumatoid arthritis.  I should see some sort of difference two months into the med, right???  Anyway, I think as my life gets put back in order and I catch up on my finances, the lowered stress will be able to lower my pain levels a bit too.  Perhaps not to a zero, but at least some.  

Okay, I'm getting bored of talking about my health, so on to something else?!

Oh, I was able to visit some family from England yesterday.  That was fun!  Exhausting, but good!  I am still struggling to figure out some things regarding my more immediate family, but that's not for the blogging world to see.  Sorry!  But, prayers are appreciated as I discern what to do and how to go about doing it!  Thanks!

Anything else you want to know, you can always comment or email me!  Beyond that, I'm done.  

Ketchup

I haven't updated you all in a while, so I thought I'd do a "Ketchup" post.  :)

All in all, I've been pretty good.  This past weekend, I went down to the beach with my mom, her fiancee, his kid, my sister, my littlest brother Jacob.  I had a good time.  Wednesday night, after dance class, we headed down to Alabama where we picked up him and his crew.  We didn't get in until SUPER late, or early...6am?!  Then we snoozed for a lil' while at his place.  Then, we packed our bags and hit the road for the beach.  This trip was quite the ordeal as it was one of the few times that I was going down to AL, but also going gluten free.

It seems like everything in the south is fried.  You've got fried tomatoes, fried chicken, fried shrimp, fried ANYTHING?!  So, getting food was quite the challenge.  The first two places we ate were a major fail.  One night my plate had a roll on it.  The second night I had fried jalapeno hushpuppies.  Then we began to eat at places that were a little more friendly to me.  One place had an allergy menu, so I could cross gluten off the list.  The manager had to come and take my order and then brought out my food.  It was so comforting knowing that they cared about people who couldn't eat gluten.  The next place had a gluten free menu, so I just ordered off of it.  I know my family isn't used to having someone around with food allergies, and I know my mom isn't a fan of this diet, but I think after this weekend, they are beginning to adjust to it.  Even though they were impatient at times, they are beginning to see what I can eat and what I can't, which is a great start!  (And I even made a conscious choice to pray before each meal, even if I was doing it alone!!!)

Eating gluten free isn't the only thing my family learned while we were at the beach.  They also began to see that I can't do everything.  I talk about my health a lot on here because it limits a lot of what I can and can't do.  The first night at the beach, I was so worn out from the drive and lack of sleep that I couldn't even manage to get out of bed to go eat dinner.  The second night I was able to go out because I paced myself.  We also got to go play mini golf, during which I scored 2nd place!!!  That was exciting!  I wasn't able to spend Saturday on the beach because I had overdone myself the night before, but I was able to sit out with the family and play a game of Yahtzee!  Unfortunately, I scored in 2nd place again?!  Seemed to be a theme.  Sunday, I riled myself out of bed to go to Mass at 8 in the morning!  I was told we were to leave the condo at 10am, so I was under the impression that everyone would be pretty much packed and ready to load when I got back.  Yeah, apparently not.  Everyone was sleeping when I got back.  Not so great!  SO...I had a bowl of yummy goodness!  :-)

Meet Yummy Goodness.  This is a creation by Nichole, my best friend.  It is vanilla ice cream, covered in strawberries (which have been soaked in sugar), and caramel topping.  It is DELICIOUS!!!  I eat lots of this because it makes me happy.  Lol.  I made sure I had this down south too.  It is gluten free as all of the parts are gluten free! ;)  So, I had a bowl of this for breakfast after I got back from Mass.  BTW, Happy Pentecost half a week late!  Of course, we got up and out of there eventually, but I was exhausted from it all!  After the long 8 hour drive back from his place on Monday morning, Morgan and I had stage rehearsals.  Now, she did most of the dancing, but not being home killed me.  I also played around with the lights since I'm running lights this weekend and did a lil' dancing of my own for the alumni dance!  Around 10:15pm, I finally arrived home.  After unpacking, I crawled into bed grateful to have such a comfy bed!!!  It was certainly a weekend!!!

Since then, I haven't done much.  I got to go see Nichole for a little while yesterday.  I was happy to see her, although she wasn't so happy to go back to season ONE on Prison Break when she was at a cliff hanger on season THREE?!?!?!  But, she did...until she got her sister's computer to watch her episodes with headphones.  Lol.  Either way, we got to hang out for a while.  OH...We also painted our toes again!  I just put glitter on mine this week.  It made up for her super cute pink and green toes with flowers!!!  ;)

Anyhow, I am in a lot of pain today.  I hate how fibromyalgia works...Ya never know when a bad day will come.  But, I'll make it through.  Really wishing I could find a job...It is driving me crazy!  But, who knows?!  Someday someone will hire me.  Just hope it is sooner rather than later.  I'm wondering if I still have ice cream here...if so, Yummy Goodness will be an order.  Especially since I had M&Ms for breakfast.  Lol.  Great diet!  I know!  Hopefully this was a decent Ketchup!  Much love!

Answers

So, I have been trying to get my medical life in order.  Honestly, it is giving me a headache.  I've seen two rheumatologists and I will be seeing another pain clinic at the beginning of June. 

As for the appointment for today.  My doctor doesn't really seem to believe in fibromyalgia, which makes me nervous.  Either way, he put me on a few meds.  Increased my lyrica.  Put me on an oral steroid.  And gave me a muscle relaxer.  The muscle relaxer is AMAZING!!!  It gives me a pressure headache, but it relieves most of the rest of my pain.  It isn't taking care of the abdominal pain, but it is fine.  Also, this morning, I had an abdominal ultrasound.  I haven't gotten the results yet...but, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be diagnosed with having a peptic ulcer.  The zantac that I took earlier helped some, but not enough.  I'm looking forward to my doctor's appt tomorrow afternoon to fix this abdominal pain. 

I do hope that I can sleep tonight.  I took a rather long 1.5-2hr nap earlier, but I'm still tired.  All this pain I've had is kickin' me!  But, who knows?!  Right now, I'm watching Doctor Who per a suggestion by Christine.  I may turn on Stargate SG-1 though so that I can get to sleep easily. 

I still have the appt with the pain clinic at the beginning of June.  I'm sincerely looking forward to it.  But, I'm annoyed with dealing with all these doctors.  It's hard on the finances and the body to go through all the stress.  SO...I don't know.  I think the pain clinic will be able to help me better than all these individual doctors as they can take care of the headaches, depression, fibro, and arthritic pain all in one place!  I'm excited!!!!!!!! 

Anyhow, I'm finally getting answers.  I'm finally getting treatment that is seeming to help.  I'm finally to the point where the questions are still coming, but there is hope for answers.  (Though, I still wanna know if I have RA.)  There is hope that I'll actually be in good health to go to Africa by the time I'm 23yo! :)

Heading to bed now, in pretty decent spirits.  May do a bit of reading too.  Got some extra books to read, like Judith and 1 & 2 Maccabees.  :)  Gotta love the Catholic Bible!  Just a bit longer than the Protestant Bible.  Happy Wednesday!

Huzzah!

Today was BAD pain-wise.  At one point in time, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  Instead, I just sat in bed with my best friend and continued in my crabby-I'm-in-pain mood.  Stress does NOT help the body adjust to the pain either.  So, when my mother told me about my brother's kindergarten graduation last minute when I had already made plans for the evening, it not only made me mad and annoyed, but also increased the pain!  Needless to say, I was not in a good mood at that point in time.  Haha.

HOWEVER, a few things happened today that kept myself afloat amongst the pain and stress:

1.  My picture taking extravaganza!

2.  Getting cheesy hashbrowns...and a lot of em!  10 boxes, 50 cents a piece...when it should have been 10 for $10...not sure how that worked out!  (Cute guy at the register??? Heehee.)  AND...M&Ms provided by my best friend with a huge glass of milk!  :)

3.  A fantastic back-rub that relaxed me and worked out a lot of the pain in my hips.  (Although, having fibro and getting a back-rub is sometimes quite painful considering that ya wanna go crazy every time a trigger/tender point is touched!  BUT...Nichole was fantastic about it (knowing where the tender points were) and proceeded with extreme caution.) 

Okay, so as I said...I had a picture taking extravaganza!  I might have an obsession with bright, still photo shots.  SO...Here's some of them from today, and one of my bro from the day we got to hang out! :-)  ALSO...After my picture taking extravaganza around St. Cletus Catholic Church, I ended up finding "my place."  I went and prayed the rosary there and found peace in ways that are unable to be spoken and yet conviction beyond comfort!  I loved it!  Such a pretty day and such a pretty place!  Okay...pictures!

It's Here!

So here we are.  May 10th.  Today is the day I've waited for since sometime in February!!!  Today, I see Dr. Hunt.  She is a rheumatologist who treats fibro and who knows what else?!  Hopefully, she can help with the pain.  Not gonna lie, I have no clue where I'm going.  Thanks to GPSs I'm not too worried about it.  I just don't want to wander the halls and miss my appt.  ;)  I really am hoping that it is easy to find though.  I'm not in the mood to search for places today.  I'm in pain.  I'm beginning to be annoyed by the song Blessings by Laura Story, but it's the only way for me to make some sort of peace with being in pain.  But anyway, onto a nicer topic.......

Okay, so not so nice.  Finals week.  It really sucks.  I'm stressed still.  My back is probably as hard as a rock and I have to force myself to get ready in the morning because I just don't want to get out of bed.  I feel like finals' week is a student's worse nightmare, but they still make us do it.  I don't get it.  I also am incredibly nervous for this whole essay test tomorrow.  I won't have much time to study today, although it is my hopes that I can get time in to study today after my appointment.  If I don't study, I will legitimately fail.  I already am hoping that I can manage to get it all done and put everything I know on the paper.  I think it will be easier than she is making it sound, but that doesn't comfort me any.  Lol.  I will be writing on each essay for 20 minutes and I will probably die afterward.  But, who knows?!  I may survive to go home with a load of stuff that I have yet to pack.  Haha.  I'm soooo not even close to having my apartment close to moving.  Okay...onto a nicer topic......

I'm going to daily mass today again.  I must admit it gets my priorities straight for the day.  I am excited to go to St. Cletus' daily mass too!  I think they even pray the Rosary afterward...which is different for me!  Exciting!  :-)  I loved being able to go to CCM's daily mass yesterday.  I can't tell you what it is like for me to be able to go to any Catholic church and "know the words."  I'm not worried about it.  I'm in hopes that I enjoy it.  If I do, I will probably make it a priority in my schedule when I transfer.  But anyhow, I'm excited.  I suppose only I would get excited about being able to go to church every single day.  But, shouldn't we all?!  I mean, if we all love Jesus, shouldn't we want to worship Him every day not only in our daily lives, but also with others!  It just makes me excited.  I'm a bit nervous because I haven't been to a daily mass at St. Cletus, but I'm sure it will be fine.  I guess I'm more nervous about going alone than anything.  Especially since I won't know anyone.  But, hey, I know Jesus and since He'll be there, I'll be fine!  Haha...So, I best be leaving.  Gotta go all the way across town!!!  Onto a nicer topic.........

Adios! 

Chosen & Defeated

Today, Nichole and I decided to try the Church of St. Cletus.  We went to the noon mass.  It was definitely a contemporary mass...and I felt completely at home.  To the few of you that I've talked to, you know the excitement that I have!  This is EXACTLY what I needed:  the reverence for the Christ and the Eucharist as well as the contemporary music to bring it to heart for me.  SO, I've chosen where I will be going in the coming weeks, months, and YEARS!  I hope to set up an appointment with one of the Fathers for later this week to talk about joining the fun and things like that!  I'd love to figure out how to do the whole Confession thing and begin doing that.  Sounds kinda crazy that I want to go to confession, but I really feel it would help me sort through my life and get it back to the "me" it used to be (only in a new phase of life).  In other words, I want the joy and the peace I had...AND the motivation and momentum to do anything my heart led me to do!

On another topic, I have a rheumatologist appointment in the St. Louis area Tuesday morning.  It's early so I have to drive from school to Monday evening after arriving home just today after a long weekend!  THEN, I must deal with the rheumy and drive back for more finals on Wednesday that I've not even looked at yet.  I'm already stressed about the finals I've been studying for that are tomorrow, none the less the finals I haven't studied for yet!!!  BUT...I've waited for this appointment for MONTHS so Mom thinks I should go.  I hate that I have to do all this driving.  It's a 4 hour trip which is hard on my body when it is weak like this.  It just really frustrates me that I have to deal with another doctor in the middle of finals week.  I'm nearly panicked.  I am in tears with frustration and stress keeps on piling on top of me.  :'(  I just don't know anymore.  My grades will drop this semester.  No doubt in that.  I'd love to keep my 4.0, but somehow I feel that isn't going to happen by a long shot!  I know that a B would be great for some people, but I have INCREDIBLY HIGH standards for myself.  I feel like I'm surrendering though.  I'm allowing my health to take priority over my school work and that isn't like me.  That's like this "me" that I've become because of the trauma my body has been through in recent months.  

I hate feeling like this.  I hate feeling like I have to choose between what I want and what my body wants.  My body hates me right now.  It hardly made it through the drive back here and now I'm going to terrorize it again and make the drive the next three days.  The stress isn't helping my body either.  And stress is kind of the definition for finals week.  But hey, it's only two weeks out of the year! 

So, I won't drag this out too long, but please say a prayer that this all works out as God wants.  I'm relying on Him to pull me through.  AND...I must confess that I AM SOOOOO EXCITED ABOUT BECOMING A CATHOLIC!!!!  LOL!  :)  Oh, and Happy Mothers' Day!

BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Time Travel

5:15am  Woke up thinking about best friend.  Text said person.

6:00am  Fell back asleep.  FINALLY!

6:40am  Woke back up.  Text received about blog last night from best friend.  More talk about said blog.

7:00am  Best friend mentions being scared of herself and what she can do to end the pain.  Scares me to death!

8:00am  Will not get off the phone with best friend.  Scares me too much to think about losing her, even if she was at work today.  Began packing as quickly as possible.

9:00am  Left the apartment.  Got fuel.  (And a Pepsi.)  And was on my way to her place.  ETA: 12:30pm.

10:03am  Got the feeling I was going to be run over by an 18-wheeler...twice.  Was on phone off and on with best friend.  Starting to feel better as she made various appointments with doctors and seemed to cheer up.  

11:15am  Felt the need to pray the Rosary, thus the Rosary was prayed for said friend.  Afterward, much singing in adoration of God was done.  I had a good time with it, though still completely paying attention to my driving.

11:40am  Metal bar in road.  Car next to me.  Can't swerve to miss it.  "Shit."  Ker-plunk, Ker-plunk.

11:41am  Smoke appeared from rear.  Concerns me greatly.

11:42am  Left message on Dad's voicemail.  Call Mom.  Mom said it was probably fine.  Dad returns call.  Dad said it was not fine.

11:43am  Pull off at gas station just to check on the car.  Asked Dad if it is okay to turn off my car.  He said that I should be fine.  Turn car off.

11:44am  Checked on car.  Lots of red fluid has formed a puddle under my car.  Concerns me greatly.  Looks above car...no parking sign.  Ahead of me, scale for 18-wheelers.  Truckers pull around me ungrateful of my desire to park my car in their way.  (Though, one trucker was an excellent driver and figured out how to make it!)

12:02pm  Still sitting at gas station.  Scared and alone.  Unsure of what to do.  Posted this status:

Scared and lonely.  

Sitting in a no parking zone in a car that is leading tons of oil and probably a shot engine.  

Yay for some metal bar in the middle of hwy 44.  

Needless to say, it's just me and God for the next while.  :'/

12:03pm  Still scared.  Multiple calls.  Afraid of the battery quickly decreasing on my phone.  Still wondering when I'm going to make it home (well, my best friend's home).  Praying that God will use this incident in some good way.  

12:57pm  Dad arrives.  By now, it looks as if some dead person is bleeding all underneath my car.  Transferred stuff over to his car.  ROLLED/PUSHED my car to a safer location.  Hid key for tow truck driver and headed to best friend's house with much thanks to Dad!  :)

2:06pm  Arrival and unloaded my stuff.  Set up my throne next to best friend's throne.  Thanked God for the safe arrival.  And continued my day.  

**********

Needless to say, it has been quite the day.  Especially with the craziness of my morning.  My friend honestly scared me.  I suppose it is because she began using my name in the texts.  She does that when she is upset or angry.  But this time, I just got the vibe.  I didn't ignore it.  As I was driving, I wondered if I was nuts making the drive home the weekend before finals week.  But, I completely and totally understood that I needed to make the drive.  No matter how much my knees screamed at me.  And especially while I was praying the Rosary, I just felt I was doing something right.  Granted, the metal bar came and it seemed all was lost.  But while the financial burden will certainly be a burden, I knew it would all play into some crazy plan of God's.  I didn't lose hope, except for a moment that I had to myself before the phone calls came.  The greatest part though, was that my best friend sent me a text right as I was ending the Rosary thanking me for taking the time to come home to see her.  That was definitely my favorite part of the day.  

I don't know how many people can just get up and leave whatever you're doing, without even thinking of the consequences, to be there for a friend.  I just hope that you are there for people when they need you most.  I pray that you are there to listen and to be a smile, even if it is your last!  I hope you have someone in your life that would do the same for you too!  

Most of all, I pray that you have someone in your life that you can share life with.  No, I'm not talking specifically about marriage or boyfriend/girlfriend, though that can be part of it.  I'm talking about someone you can be completely and utterly honest with.  The person that you can share your heart, no matter how heavy it is, and they are willing to hold it in their hands with the utmost care you could ever imagine.  The person you can share your deepest darkest secrets with, but can be laughing hysterically 23.7 seconds later!  Someone you love being around, even if nothing is said.  Someone who loves you for you, no matter what.  

I have that friend.  In fact, she is even more than a best friend.  She is my sister.  Not by blood.  Rather by that deep friendship that we are sharing life together.  Through thick and thin, we hold each other up.  Even when our strength is weak, we have God to help us.  Our faith keeps our glimmer of a will going through it all.  I know I can make it through any day because I have someone here on earth willing to walk (or even crawl) with me through it.  

Today has been interesting.  Scary.  But a reminder of what really matters in this life:

1)  Love God.

2)  Love People. 

Back-to-Back

I know I just finished a post, but I have a piece of extra news to tell!  :)

I have an appointment with a pain management clinic!!! :)  Like, the program one!  Anyhow, it's June 1st at 10am.  Well, actually it's two appointments, one at 10am, the other at 11am.  I won't get done until about 12:30pm that day.  SO...That's some crazy news, but good news.  Hopefully they can help with the pain that I'm dealing with.  And I am sooooo grateful to my best friend for giving me the number to this place.  I really feel like they will help deal with all the pain I'm experiencing.

Alright.  I am getting another headache, so I'm gonna go to bed!  Adios!

Confessions of Change

Today has been hard.  I woke up with a headache and fibro pain that I thought would be the death of me.  BUT, I was still on a positivity kick from my best friend, Nichole.  So, I had the song Blessings by Laura Story playing in my head over and over and over and over.  At first, it was really annoying.  I even played it a couple times via YouTube, but I couldn't get it out of my head.  Soon, it became more of a comfort.  I sang along and tried to allow the words to flow from my heart.  By the time I was leaving that morning, I had been annoyed by the song, comforted by the song, encouraged by the song, and made fun of the song because of the fantastic mood that I was in, amidst the pain. 

I had a pretty decent time with classes and hanging out with a new friend.  I did something today that I intend on doing again tomorrow.  I reminded myself of my purpose.  But, within some time, I was back to stressed out Samantha.  I listened to the details of my final exam for one of my classes.  Needless to say, it freaked me out!  Eight essays..."You may need more than one blue book?!"  WHAT?!  Immediately, I had my mind on my health issues.  I was thinking about how it generally goes now-a-days where my writing hand goes numb or hurts like crazy to where it can't function after a short time of taking notes.  I freaked out.  My breathing became shallow and quick.  I started to get super nervous.  My headache reappeared, that had dissipated after a couple hours this morning, stronger than ever.  Nichole tried to calm me.  But the exam was still approaching and still making me anxious.  In the midst of our conversation, I got the feeling that my nerves weren't helping her whatsoever, so I tried to drop the topic and brought up the dreaded topic of health.  Clearly that was a bad idea, because afterward she got off the phone as soon as she possibly could.  (Now, this is only my side of the story, so do not blame her whatsoever for what has been said.)  This topic seems to be identified as negative.  Especially since health issues are always seeming to cause pain.  Mine are limited compared to what Nichole fights against every single day of her life.  Gotta admit, I still admire her perseverance to keep fighting no matter what comes her way.  It's something deep within her that I still haven't figured out, but that I hope I have that in me too.  :)

Anyhow, it wasn't until later that I figured out what I had done.  And at first, it really frustrated me.  I have been talking to her about her health since the beginning, and she's heard about my health (even before the fibro crap) since the beginning of our friendship.  It was common for us to respond to the "How are you?" question with health or school/work issues.  I felt like it was a huge rope in our friendship because we were able to answer honestly and openly.  But now, it is almost a thread that you don't want to cut for fear the day may fall apart.  HOWEVER, I still believe the question can be asked.  I know that the strive to be positive can fall apart if we really dwell on the answer to the question.  I know that I begin to survey all of my pain and how many bad things happened that day.  But, it could be much easier on us as humans if we answer openly, but without dwelling too much on the bad.  If we looked at the good in relation to the bad.  I just fear that I answer how are you questions with much too negative and LONG answers. So, brevity is becoming my new specialty and I will be open to further questioning if wanted.  I can't wait for the days when I can answer "How are you?" with fantastic, regardless of how I may be feeling that day!

Along with all of the conversational side of things, I'm making some changes in my life.  And honestly, some of them are pretty big changes.  One of which is the switch to more positive thinking!  This completely has to rearrange my way of thinking.  Instead of dwelling on the pain I am feeling, I have to focus on other things.  And sometimes, I have to focus REALLY HARD! So, I don't know what is going to become of this.  I think it is going to be something I just have to train myself to do.  So, bear with me as I make the change.

Another change is the shift in my career.  I know I seem to be going back and forth with this one.  But, I'm positive now.  (This is where the title comes in.  Haha.)  I'm not going to be a United Methodist Pastor.  Surprise!  I would really love to discuss this more, but it would take three blog posts in itself!  In brief, I don't feel like God has called me to lead the church in this way.  I feel like I would have such a comfortable life.  I know that some think this is my God-given dream, but it isn't my dream.  I've thought a lot about it.  And yes, I feel very comfortable in the pulpit! But, it isn't where God has called me to be.  As I think back to my calling, God seemed to place a desire in my heart for something, or rather, somewhere other than America.  Yes, Africa.  I never felt comfortable in the ministry process.  It just isn't my home.  God has called me to be a pastor in a different way.  He has called me to be a missionary.  It goes back to my purpose.  To help people...and to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth! 

If this switch displeases you, or if you feel I'm making the wrong decision, I'm sorry.  But, I'm following God's lead.  Until now, I haven't seen exactly where He was leading.  I wanted so badly for it to go my way and to be planned out.  But, I got mad at God for all the health issues.  And while I didn't run away, I protested.  I stopped doing daily devotions.  Prayer time became my list of requests time, without any time to listen for a response.  Study was...only when absolutely necessary for some group or church thing.  I started to find church to be unhelpful.  Friends had deserted.  Family issues peaked.  Nothing was going my way.  But then, the dream of Africa was watered.  It was renewed.  I began searching my heart for what I know best.  I began to examine my life as a disciple of Jesus.  Frankly, I failed.  Miserably!  But, the longing was there.  The desire to know God has been fueled.  Depression and anger will not win!!!  I won't let it.  I can't let it.  My faith is what has held me to this point, and it will be what holds me until the end of my life and beyond! 

Tonight, I got pretty down.  A person that I usually spend a lot of my time talking to in the evenings decided to take a break from the world.  I didn't know what to do.  I went to a campus ministry night with a friend.  Not going to lie, I had a great time!  The people became a family, and soon I knew quite a few names and faces and a lot about their personality.  It just made my night.  Too bad it is at the end of the semester that I found this campus ministry.  But, the social aspect of my life tonight got me going again. 

I'm not saying that I need a jillion more friends.  Honestly, I love the one best friend that I have with all that I am.  But, being able to goof off tonight and act like a college student was something I hadn't done in a while with all my oldladyitis. 

On my way home from the campus ministry night, I stopped at a Christian book store.  (Yes, Dad...)  I picked up a "missions journal."  I'm not really sure what it is all about, but I really feel the need to start journaling again and getting into the habit of reading Scripture.  This blog has really become a journal, but I need a place to journal prayers, that may be a lil' too private for the blogging world.  ;)  Anyhow, I hope it is something that I can keep up with and that I can be encouraged by the experience of examining exactly where God has called me to be a missionary and how that might take place.

ALSO...There is one more change that I'm making in my life.  I can't discuss it on here right now, but a few people know what I'm referring to.  I can just assure you that I'm making this decision with a huge amount of prayer and discernment.  But, the decision is, indeed, mine to make.  So, I'd appreciate any and all prayers you can send up for me.

As I pulled into my apartment complex tonight, I noticed the moon.  I probably haven't looked at the sky in ages.  But, no joke, it looked like the moon was smiling at me.  Had I not slowed my day down enough to focus on God, I would have NEVER seen the moon.  I would have never seen the silver smile that seemed to confirm that all I am doing is good. 

So, there are my confessions of change.  I am just trying to remember that no matter what, life will be good.  Not always simple or easy, but good.  And God is with me.  And His Presence can mean all the difference between a good day and a bad day.  That's all I got!  Adios!

Worthless

I suppose that's kind of how I felt today.  Worthless.  Where one's own mother "was getting to it."  You know, the part where she tells me that, not only does she intend on moving, but she also intends on taking my siblings eight hours away to Alabama.  I'm not gonna lie.  I'm crushed.  I hate the news, but even more than that, I hate that she was getting around to telling me when she has been avoiding my texts the last few days.  Granted, the last conversation that we had was not fantastic because it ended with her being incredibly upset with me. But, at least the decency of a text would have been nice when they were deciding where they were going to spend the rest of their lives.  (Mom and her fiancee.)  I just hate that I don't have a good relationship with my mom.  Perhaps I'm crazy for wanting one, but for me, it's one thing I've never really had but always wanted. 

Mom and her fiancee plan on getting married in July.  Not exactly how quickly I want it all to happen.  Move at the end of June.  Marriage in July.  Too quick.  I have barely gotten over the fact that my parents are officially divorced as of February of 2011.  Anyway...it just makes me crazy. 

Being closer to my siblings was my NUMBER ONE reason for transferring.  I hated missing my sister's band concerts and my little brother's christmas program.  I hated missing my little brother's first year of school and my sister's life in junior high.  I miss hanging out with them.  Of course, there is the older younger brother who is headed off to college next year!  YAY for growing up!  But, it just saddens me that I have jumped through hoops to get to the point where everything is set, and then my family, essentially, leaves me.  :'(  No fun.  Sure, I'm still going to transfer...because I do need to be closer to my doctors and my best friend.  But, I'm sad that my life was essentially ignored because "it really doesn't affect you [me] that much." 

That's all I have for now.  My fibro is being dumb tonight so my hands keep going all tingly and hurting.  Bah.  I have a headache from crying earlier.  Bah.  And my body hates the stress that this news puts on it.  Not only does the news make me feel worthless.  But, so does my body.  I am worthless. 

Purple Shirt Day!

Hello!  Today is a wonderful day.  Well, kind of.  It is purple shirt day 2011 for fibromyalgia and lupus awareness month!  Which is MAY!  SO...I definitely was sporting my awesome shirt that I made.  I am quite amazed at how many people were willing to listen to what fibromyalgia was and why I was wearing a purple t-shirt to church!  It was incredible to be able to tell people about the illness and just get the word out that it exists.  Perhaps curiosity will suffice the rest of their education! ;)

Honestly, that is about all I have for the blogging world today.  I hurt badly today.  Between the gluten-ful food I had yesterday and the rain today, I'm exhausted.  The migraine I had earlier has only improved a little bit.  I am hoping it will go away before classes tomorrow!!!  Beyond that, I'm a little sad about the few people that I will be leaving when I transfer schools.  It really is only a few, but it seems like the entire town.  Because of their smiles, I have made it this far.  So thanks to a pastor, a member of the English society, and a gal who poured out the hardest part of her life to me as I sat in my red chair until 3am one night.  I don't regret leaving here, but I certainly will miss these few people. 

Okay, so I had a bit more to tell you than I thought.  BUT...Now I'm done.  Wear that purple this month in support of the people struggling every day with fibromyalgia and/or lupus!!!  Thanks!!! 

Fight Fibro

Today was not a good day, yet it was a good day.  For most of the day, I've been alright.  My joints aren't really hurting and I seemed to be doing alright.  However, my fibro HATES me right now.  Of course, it's because I got stressed out.

I am dealing with some financial issues.  I had an electric bill due today and I needed a few mandatory groceries, as well as prescriptions to renew.  It was interesting to see if I could make it work.  Needless to say, the prescriptions will have to wait until the last minute and I'll be paying my credit card bill until pigs can fly.  (Airplanes don't count.)  On top of that...

I called my PCP this morning to see if he would increase my lyrica to 100mg/3xdaily.  I have been on the 75mg/3xdaily for a while now, and while there is an improvement, I seriously think it can do better.  I want so badly for the pain to go away, or at least be lessened.  Even typing this is straining my wrists and shoulders to where it is almost unbearable.  I wanted some sort of an adjustment.  ESPECIALLY if he refuses to prescribe pain medication. 

He said no.

From what I gather, he is tired of me bugging him.  He thinks I should see a psychiatrist.  And he wants me checked for lyme's disease.  I HIGHLY doubt I have lyme's disease, but I'll be visiting the lab early tomorrow morning, just to check.  (Mainly to prove him wrong.)  He thinks that I have it because every symptom I have matches it...blah blah blah blah BLAH!  Actually, I find him quite wrong, but whatever?! 

If the lyme's disease is found, then I might consider sticking with him.  But, I've had so many issues with that whole realm that I really am considering finding a new PCP, which really sucks.  I liked having the luxury of merely calling the office to get a z-pack when I'm ill.  BUT...At least I won't have to deal with the issues I've had.  It takes forever for them to return a call and I don't think my dr has the best interest in mind.  Although his nurse won't admit it, I think he might consider me a drug seeker and/or psychotic.  It's so frustrating to have a doctor who will say that you have a condition, but won't treat you according to how your body is reacting.  Why do we have to trust doctors, but doctors don't have to trust us and our word?!  How does that work out!? 

Anyhow, I'm annoyed.  So, I'll be getting my blood drawn tomorrow as well as requesting my records to be sent home to a dear-to-my-heart friend.  THEN, I will be on the search.  Again.  I'm hoping this time is more successful, and I'm hoping that the pain management doc can help with the pain...and believes that it's okay to prescribe narcotics for those with chronic pain when Tylenol doesn't work! 

On the up side, I made cookies today.  They turned out good, but they are all crumbly.  Kind of funny.  Taste good though.  While I was doing that, I made my shirt for purple shirt day!  It turned out GREAT!  I can't wait for Sunday to get here.  I am thrilled to wear this shirt to church!  So many people will see it.  Hopefully questions will be asked and fibromyalgia/lupus awareness month (MAY) will begin!!! :-)  I'm just so excited about this shirt that I've put photos up here!  So, see the pictures.  I gotta go clean up my mess and get to bed.  I'm not feelin' so great since I did so much today. 

OH...And a side note, I have the bestest best friend in the entire world who is always willing to stand (okay, lay on her heating blanket) next to me through all this crap that life throws at me.  Thanks for being there, Nichole, through thick and thin, good and bad, in sickness and in health.  (Nope, no marriage ladies and gentlemen, BUT...she really is great and I love her as my sister!)  You bring sunshine to the darkest places of my life!  I appreciate you, Nichole! 

Okay...picture time! :)

The Front!

The back!

The close-up of the back!

Adios! :)

Believe

Can't sleep.  It's nights like these that I start to wonder about life.  It's nights like these that make me think.  What else is there to do when one is in pain?  When everything has taken its toll on your heart with how much you're missing in this world...

I did some research tonight.  I researched somethings I really didn't want to research, but felt like I should do so.  I researched psychological disorders.  Some comfort came by it, but also a lot of distress.  I know I'm not seen as bipolar or schizophrenic, and I've already been diagnosed with depression...So it made me go further.  I wanted to look up what a hypochondriac was.  The character in my story "No Blood" was called a hypochondriac in the workshop of my story...so I looked up the medical definition.

Honestly, it wasn't very promising for the character or myself.  It really made me think about who I was and what I'm going through.  It made me think of how others must see me.  Of course, there are no real tests for something like this.  And then there is the whole thing about searching for doctors who will validate that the pain is real and all sorts of stuff like that of no treatments working and the signs aren't there of the diseases, etc.

However, fibromyalgia has no real tests that can be run.  Sure, there is the trigger points test (which sucks btw).  AND...I searched for a doctor who would be able to see more than the depression.  And as for thinking the pain is real?  I know it is.  I know hypos think it's real too and can feel real pain....so if that's the case, treatments wouldn't really work on hypos because a lot of it is psychological, but I see improvement from the meds I'm on.  Just not enough to alleviate the pain completely, especially not on bad days.

So, perhaps I'm crazy and "gave this" to myself.  But, I don't think so.  Just got me thinking that perhaps others feel like I'm a hypochondriac.  My pain is real.  I don't know what caused it.  I just feel like no one believes me.  Even my own family, for goodness sake, doesn't seem like they believe me. I just feel very alone in this battle and it's starting to wear me out the more I have to keep fighting for my own sanity among friends and family!

If my life is worth anything to you, I hope that you'll stop the unbelief.  Believe that I'm more than a psychotic druggie.  Believe that I'm telling the truth of my pain.  Believe that I'm not making it up.  Whether I "gave it to myself" or not, the pain is still real.  And I still need help to alleviate the pain.  But I can't do that right now because I'm scared to be told I'm psychotic.  I'm scared that people won't believe me.  So, I'm going to start small...Even if my family believes, that's good enough...for now.

Thanks for reading.

So much more...

Today was an absolutely horrible day...pain wise.  I couldn't do anything for most of it but lay in bed.  Every 45 minutes or so, I would have to get out of bed to reset the internet, but that was all I could do.  I could hardly text and pushing the buttons on my heating pad became something to dread.  FINALLY, about mid-afternoon, I started to crochet which was painful, but I enjoy it too much to abandon it.  Plus, making a blanket is one of the things I will aim to do before I die.  SO...I started today by making a pattern and getting approximately 5% of it done.  YAY!  :)

Because my PCP and rheumy do not feel like dealing with my pain, I called a couple pain management specialists today.  I have an appointment on May 18th with one, however I'm afraid that all he is going to want to do is try injections.  I don't feel like injections would help someone with my condition of fibromyalgia.  Injections seem to do well for people with pain in one or two areas, not body wide pain.  So, as much as I do not want to be on narcotics, I want relief from this pain.  I need something for the really bad days like these that make me want to skip class and do nothing, talk to no one, and lay in bed bored and in pain.  Gotta say, that's not the life I want to live.  I don't want my biggest dread to be getting out of bed in the morning or to make dinner.  That's not what I want for my life.  So anyone that tells me that I just need to get over it and deal with the pain is a dumb-ass.  (Excuse my language.)  I am tired of this every day pain.  I'm tired of this life that I've lived for the past months.  No, it hasn't been years like others, but still.  It isn't fair.  You wouldn't want this life, and I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.  Even if I had an enemy to wish this upon, I never would do so.

Anyhow, I called another clinic and they do pain management programs, so there is paperwork to fill out and send in.  After they review it, they will let me know if I'm accepted into the program.  They are willing to do narcotics.  So, yeah.  I guess we will see how it goes and if I hear from them before May 18th.  I'm just tired of being sick in a way that people can't see.  I took my heating pad to my night class last night.  It worked pretty well for allowing me to be there and half-way decently alive.  But I can't tell you how belittled I feel these days.  I did get to educate a few people on fibromyalgia and living with chronic pain, which is always exciting for me.  The more awareness there is the better life will be.

I can't help but dreaming of all the things I wish I could do.  The things I've done in the past that I want to do now and the things that I've always wanted to do.  Sure, I'm a poor college student.  And my parents weren't that smart with their finances.  I can barely make it through school.  But there is so much out there in this world that I wish I could do right now.

I want to be able to dance again.  I want to have the energy to run and rehabilitate my knees (no matter what RA could be doing to my body).  I want to be able to travel.  To see the world for what it is, rather than the pictures in geography books.  I want to be able to play the flute for hours until that two-measure passage is perfect.  I want to be able to cook anything I want, whenever I want.  I want to make a difference in this world.

I'm not being unrealistic.  I'm not shooting for the moon (though that's possible these days).  I'm just dreaming like any other person on this earth.  I just wish I could make it happen.  I wish that I didn't have to deal with the pain.  I wish others with chronic pain didn't have to deal with the pain.  I wish we didn't have such a hard life with our loved ones.  I wish "outsiders" understood.  I wish they could grasp exactly what they are saying.  I know I wasn't perfect before fibro affected my life, but I tried so hard to understand.  I researched so many conditions as soon as friends mentioned the possibility of them affecting their lives.  I learned the symptoms and the treatments.  I cared as much as I could.  I wasn't perfect, but my friends, one in particular, saw my attempt and was grateful.  I just wish more people tried, rather than being so ignorant.  I wish that people could see the pain I'm feeling...not necessarily experience it, but to see what I'm dealing with every single day of my life.

Anyhow, my hands are crying out for me to stop typing, so I'm going to have to end this.  But, I just wanted to give an update on life.  This life sucks.  The life I want isn't the life I have.  There's no "Just deal with it" answer to this pain.  It's so much more than what can be seen on the outside.  So much more...