Contemplative Thinking

A lot of today, thus far, has been spent in a quiet room thinking about life.  I've thought about school, work, Methodism, Catholicism and the religious orders, Africa, friends, etc.  More and more, I'm beginning to think that I allow myself to be controlled by others.  It isn't in an abusive way or anything like that...It is much more subtle.  I allow other people's opinions and thoughts become my reality rather than creating a reality of my own.  They say that one's interpretations of the world become one's reality.  So, instead of taking in the world for myself, I allow others to create my world view.  In a way, this can be a good thing.  But when it comes to living my dreams or the dreams of others, that's when it gets messy!  

I love the dreams I have for myself.  The dream of becoming the best disciple I can be for Jesus Christ!!!  The dream of going to Africa and LIVING in Africa amongst the people. The dream of learning all I can and serving all I can!  I know these can be pretty abstract dreams, but in reality, they are very simplistic and concrete when broken down...

• I want to go through RCIA and become a Catholic.
• I want to join a class to study Scripture, or start one!
• I want to become an avid prayer warrior...someone that anyone can turn to when in need of prayer!
• I want to crochet a blanket...because I can!
• I want to get my health in order.
• I want to use music to touch people's hearts...to express God in an unspeakable way!
• I want to learn ASL and Swahili!
• I want to teach kids in Africa to know and love Jesus and about the world they live in.
• I want to publish a book...just for fun! :)
• I want to live simply...so no big house or lots of stuff!
• I want to love like Jesus loved and live like Jesus did with no regrets!

I think we make life too small.  I know people always say that life is too short.  But, we make life small.  We don't ever dream!  Dreams really can come true.  Dreams don't have to be something that we hold in our hearts and never act upon.  Sure, there are limits to what is physically possible...like, you may never be able to learn how to fly (unless you're okay with an airplane or parachute).  Let's not limit God.  Let's dream the impossible because God doesn't seem like the kind of Being that would be okay with just getting through life.  Each one of us can be something great because that's what we were meant to be!!!  It's how we were created!!!!  :-)  So.....

DREAM BIG!!!!!

Sprinkler Sunday

Today was definitely one of the best days I have had in a LONG time!  This morning, I lazily got ready for Mass.  Of course, that was after spending a few hours in the ER the night before for a migraine that had been going on for 5 days...talk about torture!!!  Well, after giving me ten billion drugs (okay, four), including an amazingly strange one, it was dead!  Wahoo!  They also wrote me a prescription for fioricet which is a migraine med since my current one is not effective any longer.  ANYHOW, after that fun last night, it was nice to wake up with relatively little pain.  Fibro was working a bit, but other than that...I slept pretty well and was stiff this morning!  I even had a bit of energy for the crazy day ahead.

After Mass, which I loved, of course, we (Nichole and I) went to a baptism for someone at Faith UMC.  HOWEVER, the immersion pool was not filled with water.  Since water seems to be a big part of baptisms, they rescheduled it for Father's day weekend!  Hopefully there will be water this time!!!  :)

Next, we went home for a quick lunch (leftover tacos) and headed to Nichole's 3rd and final infusion for her migraine headaches.  Of course, not before packing ICE CREAM to take with us!  Probably the greatest thing ever!!!  We took ice cream topped with strawberries and caramel! Mmmm.  It was fantastic!!!  Best idea ever!

After the infusion, which seemed to take forever since Nichole fell asleep, we grabbed some paperwork from Nichole's place of employment and filled my fioricet prescription since I had a pre-migraine headache.  Blah!  BUT, the meds kicked it out of the way pretty quickly!  :)

THEN...We went to Becky, Jason, and Jovie's place for a BBQ!  Not only was the food great, but also the entertainment of each other.  Due to a lil' girl, I got to play in the sprinkler!  Now, while I didn't have a swimsuit on, I was pretty much forced to run through it.  Haha.  I was triple-dog dared to run through it...so I had to.  Once I did it the first time, of course I had to do it more than once!!!  So, I had to do it again and again.  Then I was done and refused.  But not long after that was I cutting up brisket for her to eat, playing with Barbies, and reading a story with her.  Needless to say, I had an awesome time.  Pics are on FB...I'm not loading 'em on here too.  Lol.  BUT, probably one of the best days I've had.  I'm sore and in pain...but I'm glad I didn't let that keep me away from having a good time and laughing with the adults as well as with the lil chillin'!  Reminds me how much fun I have with kids and the energy, they not only steal from you, but also give you!  I don't think I've stopped smiling since I left their place.  I just wish I had that kind of energy all the time!  GREAT time.  Glad I accepted the invitation!  :)

So, I had a great Sprinkler Sunday!!!  :)

Retreat

After giving Nichole a hard time about never closing the door of my bedroom, I must admit that I'm quite tired of hearing the weather reports over and over and over and over.......(*gets up to shut the door*)

Today, there has been quite a bit of bad storm weather in my part of the state!  Tornadoes have been showing their ugly rotation everywhere!  Communities have been pulling together to make things work out as best as they can.  So, when the storm got a lil' too ugly, I packed up my stuff and went down to the basement.  It was cool down in the basement, but once I got cuddled into a blanket, I was not far from falling asleep.  When I first got settled in, I decided to use the time as a break away from the computer.  I chose to pray the rosary for the storm, safety for family and friends, the victims, and how God might choose to work through the storms.  I found an incredible peace calm the storm within me.  I was reminded that I am not in control, but that God is fully in control.  I was reminded that it isn't about the decorations on the walls or the complexity of the shelving in my room, but that it is all about God and His grace to allow me to have a roof over my head.  I was reminded that my relationship with God isn't about everyone else, but about me and God.  (It seems funny, but it can get that way sometimes.)  It's nice to know that I am not in control and that I am not the one who has to make all the decisions.  My indecisiveness appreciates that.  But, that God is in control even when I feel things are out of control.

This storm was a chance for me to retreat from the world and figure out life, while the rain and wind went on and on today.  I was able to focus on what I need to do to perfect myself in order to become more holy like God (Mt. 5:48) and to focus on what I need to do to prepare myself for Africa (Mk 10:21).

M&Ms....

Recently, I was put on a muscle relaxer.  The muscle relaxer does pretty well, but the pill is powdery and has a HORRIBLE taste.  It actually makes me sick to my stomach if I take it and do not eat something or drink something to get rid of the taste.  Usually, I keep M&Ms around to help with that!  They have kind of been my constant companion since my best friend told me that they were gluten-free!  :)  I also eat them for comfort, which isn't the greatest, but they make me a lil' happier when I'm down in the dump!  

There's a lot that I try to do to make me feel better.  I think it is interesting how each person, especially those with chronic pain, has those things that help them make it through the day.  I must say that my number one comfort is praying, or even just holding, my rosary.  I love to clench the cross, even though my hand is all red after doing so.  I do like eating them M&Ms.  Watching Netflix is top on my list too.  Anything that requires little effort but takes the concentration off of the pain helps.  Crocheting is fun to do because of how relaxing it is and then there is the enjoyment of finishing a project.  I have never made anything for myself other than a couple scarves when I was first starting, so I'm really excited about this blanket I am making! :)  Obviously, I like writing blogs to get out emotion and thoughts.  I also like to research Africa and different missionary programs or trying to learn the language - Swahili.  OR, learning more about Catholic beliefs...but I have to be half-way decently alive for that to happen.  :)  Right now, I'm watching my best friend play Tap Tap on my iPhone...on the hard level.  I am not coordinated enough for that...so I would get very frustrated very easily by doing that.  

Anyhow, that's kinda my thoughts on things that try to make me feel better on bad days even with the whole muscle relaxer thing.  They help me keep going in this life that isn't so fantastic sometimes.  Mmmm...M&Ms! (*reaching for bag of M&Ms regularly kept next to the bed*)

PS...I want a job so I can get a bunny.  :)  Lol.  

A Child's Guidebook

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  But...I'll catch everything up as time goes on.  Today, my brother, Andrew, graduated from high school.  He made me proud.  The hours sitting at the kitchen table trying to teach him chemistry and proofreading paper after paper.  Trying to back him up when kids at school would make fun of him.  He was my lil' brother!  And I love him to this day!  I'm proud that he proved every teacher wrong that has ever told him that he would never graduate...and every kid that made fun of him for wearing glasses or saying "grill" instead of "girl."  Silly lisp.  But, none the less, he did it.  And I must say that the time away from his big sister's eyes did him well.  :)  Sitting in the HOTTER THAN HELL gym made it completely worth it.

And now to the "fun" part???  After the graduation, I went and picked up my best friend Nichole from the house.  THEN...We went out to the house that I grew up in, Mom's place, for a get-together with the family.  Upon approaching the house, I could tell it was causing her anxiety.  It had been a strife to get her to even come with me, but she came because she loves me "always and forever."  ;)  By the time we arrived, she was in an anxiety attack and had to take her xanax (anti-anxiety med) to calm her.  This was not a good sign.  When we entered the house, my brother made a rude comment that almost made her walk out right then and there!!!  RIDICULOUS!!!  No one even rebuked it though my mom was sitting right there.  NOW, I already know that my mom does not like Nichole whatsoever, but she knew and approved permission for her to come.  Furthermore, knowing that she was coming and her gluten-free-ness, mom had NOTHING that my best friend could eat...except watermelon.  Of course, she didn't even ask if Nichole wanted anything to eat or drink.  She showed absolutely no hospitality and it hurt me to see that.  BUT, more than that...this isn't the first time........

I am completely and utterly accepted in every way in Nichole's family.  I am accepted for who I am.  Even my gluten-free-ness is fine with them.  They are willing to cater to my needs and pay for my meals even at rather expensive restaurants.  They are willing to do anything to make me feel at home.  I can enter their house without knocking and I'm even getting a key soon!!!!!!!! How exciting!!!  I am welcome to do just about anything at that house and I'm welcome at family gatherings.  Invites are sent to their house hold with the intent that I'll just tag along.  It's always a good time and I am never disrespected in any way.........

SOOOOOO....When my best friend is treated like crap by my family, it hurts.  It hurts more than you would think.  To hear that your best friend won't come to any family gathering or even your dance recital because she doesn't feel welcome with your family???  It sucks.  It makes me feel like I've failed.  It makes me feel like I am not good enough.  It makes me feel like I have the worst family out there because they can't even accept a friend of mine.  They can't accept her as part of the family and as a huge part of my life.  Sure, we haven't grown up together, but, by golly, I know her well enough that we could have!  I just wish that my family would see her and respect her as a human.  I know her needs are hard to cater to if you aren't thrilled about doing it, but the least you can do is try to offer something that she can eat or ask beforehand.  It makes me crazy that she is essentially out of that part of my life because it causes her so much anxiety.  It makes me crazy that my family behaves as it does....especially my mother.

The Methodist Church in town has something on their sign out front that says:  "A child's guidebook is a parent's life."

TELL ME how I'm supposed to live my life according to what my parents have done.  At least my dad shows hospitality and accepts Nichole as a daughter.  Sure, he is still struggling to provide for the gluten-free thing, but he accepts that as what she must do and he doesn't like how much I look up to her and the influence that she has on my life, but you can't tell me that it isn't normal for a father to do.  He still loves her as his own.  BUT, then I have a parent who shows no hospitality, no respect, no nothing!  I have a parent that seems to run after whatever makes her happy without any acknowledgment of who is hurt along the way.  It is worse than an animal!!!  At least they care for their flock!  Anyhow, I feel like my guidebook is contradictory to the Bible and the way that God would have me to live.  I don't want to be like the family Nichole encountered today.  I want to be like Christ in every way I can.  I want to take after my dad's willingness to let another dear friend into the family and his hospitality that far surpasses anything my other family members would do.  I feel lost if I follow the guidebook that my parents' lives have written because they are still being written and they are still learning.  I'm glad to see Dad following God whole-heartedly, I just wish I would see more of that from Mom and that crew.

I am still really upset that Nichole has been hurt by my family in such an exponential way.  I wish I could make up for it in some way, but I know I really can't apologize for them.  I wish I could take away the anxiety that is felt towards my family.  I wish I could let her see all the good in my family, because deep down, I know it's there.  BUT, I can't.  The bad seems to outweigh the good in the situation.  I can't believe my best friend can't stand to be around my family.  I can't believe my family was so disrespectful today and on other occasions.  I can't believe the guidebook that has been set for me.............

Nichole - I love you and I appreciate you.  I hope you can hang in there with my crazy family.  I told ya they would be quite the ride getting into this...lol.  Thanks for all you've done and all you will do for me.  Thanks for putting up with me in any and all moods.  And thanks for being the bestie I always dreamed of having but never had until you.  Always and forever.........345!

For My Birthday...

Hello to those whom I love and who love me!

I'm putting out my birthday list now...mainly because I know that there will be some random lady out shoppin' at garage sales this weekend that will contemplate buying me something...BUT...

I don't want ANY thing for my Birthday (which is on June 6th). 

Instead, I am asking everyone to donate to the Endometriosis Association. 

Over the past year or so I have become EXTREMELY passionate for this association.  I was introduced to endometriosis through my best friend Nichole last year.  When she first mentioned it, I had absolutely no idea what endo (short for endometriosis) is.  After learning how to spell it, I looked it up.  The disease HORRIFIED me.  I had no idea how anyone could live with such a sucky disease, yet here was my best friend living her life wearing a smile. 

In terms that I like to portray it, it is like having menstrual blood on the outside of your uterus and other organs.  At that time of the month, it liquefies just like the blood on the inside of the uterus, only it can't get out of the body which causes immense pain in the pelvic area.  It causes cysts to form on your ovaries and causes adhesion which pull around your organs and cause more damage.  It causes women all over the world to be in pain day-in and day-out.  It causes women to deal with the struggles of infertility after already painful sex.  There is depression that comes with having a disease to which there is no specific cause.  BUT...these women press on and do their work and care for their families as best as they can.  WORST of all this:  There is no found cure.  This disease is chronic.  It affects more women than you can imagine. "Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease that affects at least 6.3 million women and girls in the U.S., 1 million in Canada, and millions more worldwide." (Endometriosis Association)  

Now, I'm not trying to persuade you all to donate to this association, but I'm trying to convince you that it is a worthy cause.  If nothing else, now you know a cause that I'm passionate about and a little bit about endo!  Here is the link to the Endometriosis Association's site:  http://www.endometriosisassn.org/  

This association is all about education as well as promoting research.  Endo seems to be such a tabboo topic, but while we dance around the topic, MILLIONS of women are suffering!  So, let's end the "we can't talk about it" and make something happen to end it so we WON'T have to talk about it.  

Honestly, it is all I want for my birthday.  I don't want more things that I'll have to mess with selling when I head to Africa.  I just want you to make a donation to the endometriosis association...not while thinking about me, but while thinking about the women who suffer from the disease and the step you are taking to end that suffering!  Whether it's a dollar or a thousand, every penny counts.  

ALSO...Let me know if you made the donation online!  I want to thank you for doing so and rejoice with Nichole as more education and research will be done because of you!  If you don't want to do it online, give me the money or check and I will personally make sure it gets to the organization!  

I'm super excited!  PLEASE do this!  Do it for the women out there, like my best friend, who are suffering every day behind a mask!  Thank you!!!!!!!!!

Love in Christ,

~Samantha

Face of Africa

 

Just a reminder of where I'm headed.

Aaaffffrrrrrrriiiiiiiiccccccccaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Reminder

This is a reminder to all who might pick up this blog for some "light" reading that I write for me.  This blog is much like my journal.  I don't always write about happy things.  I don't keep on my mask when I write here.  When I write here, you get me.  You get the me that I am under the smile you see out and about.  You get the me that God is walking with.  This isn't always the me that you imagined.  If I kept the mask down all the time, you wouldn't want to be around me.  You would want to run the other way.  You wouldn't want to listen to "pain pain" all the time.  You wouldn't want to bear the weight that I carry all the time.  Sure, you might want to know how I'm doing.  And you might want to sincerely know.  And, I might actually tell you.  BUT...You can't say that you want to take on the weight of my life along with yours.  So, I rest my burden on God.  I tell Him what I'm feeling.  I tell Him what I'm going through.  And a lot of times, this blog gets those thoughts.  But, I know you would run away if I told you everything.  I know that you would hate to be around me because I would bring you down with me.  I only feel safe doing this with one human being on earth and the One True God!  SO, yes.  This blog isn't always happy.  This blog isn't always about the peace I've obtained through God about my life's circumstances.  But, this blog portrays the real me that many of you can't carry in person.  But, I have to write.  Because when I write, it is one more way that I get the weight of life off of me and onto this computer screen.  No one has to read it.  But, it's there for those who want the reminder that life isn't perfect.  People don't show everything they are feeling or going through for fear of judgment or whatever.  People are people.  And I'm dearly sorry if my writing does not portray that hope that God gives to my life.  HE is the reason I can make it through a day like today that hasn't started well and probably will end worse than it already is. 

Remember...I write for me...and God promises hope...not happiness.  And especially not happiness in the way Americans view it.  So, let me write for me and write what I want!!!

Titles

Titles are so bothersome.  It takes me forever to come up with one that relates to exactly what I want to say.  They say that you shouldn't come up with a title until the end so that it clearly portrays what you want the reader to catch from the writing.  Others say that it gives you some sort of a starting place to go off of.  Today, I find them to be bothersome.  So, here's the rant of the day.

Doctor's appt went well.  It was short.  I had an EXTREMELY low blood pressure and I got lots of samples! :)  My doctor thinks that it is a stomach ulcer or gastritis.  So, he gave me some antacid to take that is stronger than what I would find in a store and told me to call him mid-week if I wasn't doing better.  If I'm not doing better, they will be takin' a scope to my stomach.  (Not wanting that to happen...really hoping it is just an ulcer!)  My medicines and their multiplicity may be eating the lining of my stomach.  Blah.  Anyhow...ulcer anyone???

In other news, the job hunt is going alright.  I applied at lots of hotels today, with a pretty good chance of getting a job at a couple.  So, we'll see.  Only bad part...they are about 40 minutes away from home.  But, it won't be as bad once school starts back up in august. 

My sister is with me these next couple of days.  Not sure how I feel about that.  We'll be sharing the bed and so I guess we will see if we can get along.  I'm not too worried about it.  She's pretty awesome.  And, she's gonna pray the rosary with me tonight.  After I explained to her what exactly it was.  Lol.  She has lots of homework though, and I'm nearly dying, so hopefully she gets done soon so I can pray and sleep!!! 

Trying to stay positive even when all else around me seems to be falling.  So, I'm praying to be able to stay positive, find a job, and stay afloat with my health.  One day, I will go to Africa...and whether my health allows me to go with a program or not, I will still go.  I will not let anything keep me from going...not debt or health or those I love.  And I can't wait to go with my best friend!  I know that we can do anything that God sets in our minds.  I pray we keep the fire burning and do not let it die off like other fires we've had.  It must keep burning.  We must keep going.  No matter what! 

My Bubble

When I first found out about my parents' divorce, I FREAKED OUT!!!  My bubble had been popped.  The nice bubble I had around me was gone.  I was no longer confident that my parents would provide for me as the divorce progressed.  I was sure that I would have to financially put myself through school.  I was sure that I would never go home.  I was sure that my world, as I knew it, was coming to an end.  And in a way...it was.

Finding a job in Springfield is no easy task.  Especially when you have no work experience and the want to avoid fast food places.  I applied everywhere!  Or so it seemed.  Hotels, banks, day cares, & stores...applications went out daily over the summer!  By the fall, my motivation decreased significantly!  I wanted to be a bum as I entered the school year with 18 credit hours worth of work!  An internet class was dropped so that I could stay sane!  But, a job was never found in Springfield...

Now, I'm living at home...well, at Dad's place.  And no classes are being taken this summer.  I have plenty of debt to rid myself of before Africa can happen.  My health has declined significantly with many doctor's appointments and their co-pays.  Gas prices have risen exponentially.  And I still don't have a job.  SO...The rest of this week and next will be spent filling out applications.  Filling them out and dropping them off.  Hoping and praying that someone will hire me for a bearable job!  I am actually excited to have work, but it's the getting the work that I'm not so excited about.

Anyhow, I've grown outside my bubble that I once had.  And while I've tried to rebuild it, the attempt has been extremely unsuccessful.  So, here's to finding work and living life!

Answers

So, I have been trying to get my medical life in order.  Honestly, it is giving me a headache.  I've seen two rheumatologists and I will be seeing another pain clinic at the beginning of June. 

As for the appointment for today.  My doctor doesn't really seem to believe in fibromyalgia, which makes me nervous.  Either way, he put me on a few meds.  Increased my lyrica.  Put me on an oral steroid.  And gave me a muscle relaxer.  The muscle relaxer is AMAZING!!!  It gives me a pressure headache, but it relieves most of the rest of my pain.  It isn't taking care of the abdominal pain, but it is fine.  Also, this morning, I had an abdominal ultrasound.  I haven't gotten the results yet...but, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be diagnosed with having a peptic ulcer.  The zantac that I took earlier helped some, but not enough.  I'm looking forward to my doctor's appt tomorrow afternoon to fix this abdominal pain. 

I do hope that I can sleep tonight.  I took a rather long 1.5-2hr nap earlier, but I'm still tired.  All this pain I've had is kickin' me!  But, who knows?!  Right now, I'm watching Doctor Who per a suggestion by Christine.  I may turn on Stargate SG-1 though so that I can get to sleep easily. 

I still have the appt with the pain clinic at the beginning of June.  I'm sincerely looking forward to it.  But, I'm annoyed with dealing with all these doctors.  It's hard on the finances and the body to go through all the stress.  SO...I don't know.  I think the pain clinic will be able to help me better than all these individual doctors as they can take care of the headaches, depression, fibro, and arthritic pain all in one place!  I'm excited!!!!!!!! 

Anyhow, I'm finally getting answers.  I'm finally getting treatment that is seeming to help.  I'm finally to the point where the questions are still coming, but there is hope for answers.  (Though, I still wanna know if I have RA.)  There is hope that I'll actually be in good health to go to Africa by the time I'm 23yo! :)

Heading to bed now, in pretty decent spirits.  May do a bit of reading too.  Got some extra books to read, like Judith and 1 & 2 Maccabees.  :)  Gotta love the Catholic Bible!  Just a bit longer than the Protestant Bible.  Happy Wednesday!

Huzzah!

Today was BAD pain-wise.  At one point in time, I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry.  Instead, I just sat in bed with my best friend and continued in my crabby-I'm-in-pain mood.  Stress does NOT help the body adjust to the pain either.  So, when my mother told me about my brother's kindergarten graduation last minute when I had already made plans for the evening, it not only made me mad and annoyed, but also increased the pain!  Needless to say, I was not in a good mood at that point in time.  Haha.

HOWEVER, a few things happened today that kept myself afloat amongst the pain and stress:

1.  My picture taking extravaganza!

2.  Getting cheesy hashbrowns...and a lot of em!  10 boxes, 50 cents a piece...when it should have been 10 for $10...not sure how that worked out!  (Cute guy at the register??? Heehee.)  AND...M&Ms provided by my best friend with a huge glass of milk!  :)

3.  A fantastic back-rub that relaxed me and worked out a lot of the pain in my hips.  (Although, having fibro and getting a back-rub is sometimes quite painful considering that ya wanna go crazy every time a trigger/tender point is touched!  BUT...Nichole was fantastic about it (knowing where the tender points were) and proceeded with extreme caution.) 

Okay, so as I said...I had a picture taking extravaganza!  I might have an obsession with bright, still photo shots.  SO...Here's some of them from today, and one of my bro from the day we got to hang out! :-)  ALSO...After my picture taking extravaganza around St. Cletus Catholic Church, I ended up finding "my place."  I went and prayed the rosary there and found peace in ways that are unable to be spoken and yet conviction beyond comfort!  I loved it!  Such a pretty day and such a pretty place!  Okay...pictures!

Summer

My summer has begun.  It feels great not having any homework, but I know that I have a lot to do in order to prepare for the new school year.  I can't believe that I'm alright looking towards August, but I have such a crazy busy summer that I feel it is necessary!!!  Beginning tomorrow, I will be looking for a job and getting my "adult life" in order.  I hope to get the job set up soon so I can figure out a budget - gotta love finances!  After that, I hope that I can do something towards getting debt paid off (about $2000 in all, with the exception of student loans) and setting up a savings plan.  I am thrilled for my future in Africa, so until then, I'd like to do more than "make it through."  I'd like to enjoy my last couple years in school too!

Today was much better than I thought it would be.  I was DEFINITELY sure that I would have a bad day...but, in all honesty, Mass relaxed me which lessened the intensity of the pain.  Then, the pain kicked in...but even now, I can still type.  I went to Sunday School at one of the United Methodist churches in town that I had been going to before going to Catholicism.  It was a good time...although, I didn't pay attention completely! ;)  I was a bit distracted by my urge to go to Afffrrrriiiicccaaaaaaa! 

However, with all my distractions of Afffrrrriiiicccaaaaaaa and checking the time to allow for travel to noon Mass, something still caught my eye/ear.  "Blessings come through trust and obedience."  After a bit of thought, I realized its truth.  I know that when I am trusting and obeying God, I see more blessings.  However, when things get rough and I lose faith in God, my entire world seems to be upside down and blessings are fewer and far between.  It's all about worldview.  When we trust and obey God, we see the world in a way unlike any other!  We see it for what it is...good.  We see "curses" as opportunities to trust God.  We see concerns as prayer requests.  As someone said this morning: Courage is fear who has said its prayers. 

What is bugging me more than anything else:  Values.  In the U.S., people value money, success, and health.  People like nice cars and homes.  They want to be successful and make money with full bank accounts.  They want to be happy.  They long for happiness.  But, very few people are happy with these values.  We all need a lil' bit of love!!!  I don't want to value money, success, nice things, etc...I want to be a person with values more than that!  I want to value people.  Real people.  People who are dealing with more in their lives than those in America could ever imagine!!!  I want to love children for who they are.  I want to see education as something more than what I have to do half-butt every day.  I want to see money as a blessing not a need.  I want to see success as helping a child smile!  I want to give all I have to real people here and in Africa!  Because...by doing that, I'm fulfilling my purpose.  I'm glorifying God by helping others.  No matter HOW vague and broad that seems!  SOOOO...That's my lil' rant.  Perhaps if we just start valuing people, we can solve a lot of the world's problems.  Poverty, world hunger, war...they can all end.  Think it through. 

Alright.  That's all.  Adios!

Home

As I sit in my new room, I wonder if I made the right choices.  Did I make the right choice by leaving behind the last two years of my life and who I've become?  Did I make the right choice by coming home to live with my dad?  Did I make the right choice to leave Missouri State University behind in both my social life and academia?  Did I make the right choice in coming home to be closer to my family (at least, those who will be staying in state)?  Did I make the right choice to move closer to my doctors?  Best friend?  Did I make the right choice to leave behind, not only my church in Springfield, but also my entire Methodist background?  Everything I once knew so well? 

In some strange way, I feel calm about it all.  Although I feel like I've become weaker in the unfamiliarity of it all, I feel strong in Christ.  I feel capable of facing this new phase of life.  I'm beginning to realize that I can be who I've worked to become the last two years.  I am still learning who I am, but I haven't lost time...rather I've gained it!  I know that I will be able to move through the transition because I have Christ with me always and the support of Nichole and a few members of my family.  I can't say it will be easy though. 

I've completely moved into this new house.  A house that I can only call home for about another year.  I am sharing a room every other weekend with my sister...something I haven't done in YEARS!!!  It isn't quite the same as my good ol' room...but it looks like home thanks to Nichole's help this weekend!  While home isn't here, it will certainly do. 

On days like these, I'm reminded where my home truly is.  Heaven.  Now, I don't feel I'm headed there anytime soon, but it sure is where my body wants to be.  I hurt badly today.  I think tomorrow will be worse.  But, I know that one day, there will be no pain.  I know the days will get easier on Earth...at least from the moving fun!  And I can't wait until I get there.  So, I hope I never make myself too comfortable here on this Earth.  I can't wait to sell my stuff and move to Africa!  BUT, I want to enjoy my stay.  As best as I can, I want to enjoy my life here on Earth!  So, here's to choosing the next excursions of my stay on Earth, while I wait to make the easiest move...to home.

Who

As I look at the boxes in my room, I can't help but think of the last two years of my life.  In a way, it is really sad to leave who I've become in the last two years.  The ways I've grown are enormous.  I've learned more about myself than school subjects.  I hate thinking that I am leaving this behind to go back home.  But, I'm not going home the same that I was before.  And I'm not sure people realize that.

I think about who I was before I left High School.  Leaving High School, I was a straight A student who was ON FIRE to become a music educator.  I wanted to teach the children of the world music.  All I wanted to do was play and teach.  Nothing else.  Now, I've moved completely away from that into a whole new realm of things.  I'm studying the last thing I ever thought I would study and going to school someplace I NEVER thought I would go.  I hardly thought twice about my academic future leaving High School.  Now, I think about it all the time and wonder if where I'm headed is where God wants me to go. 

I think about who I was as a friend.  In High School, I had very few friends.  But the friends I had were great.  I never really opened up to them or allowed them to see my weaknesses.  Now, I have the greatest best friend ever whom I call a dear sister!  She knows me inside and out and can tell you all my weaknesses!  The few friends I have are awesome and know the real me.  Outside of that, I'm not very social.  Thank you to Brittney, Christine, and Nichole for helping me through this year and sticking with me through it all!  And thanks to Julie for being there at the beginning of all the mess of my family and the divorce and helping me see God through it all.  My social life is hardly what it was before entering college.

I think about who I was outside of school.  Busy.  Crazily busy.  Now, my health measures what I do.  And my passion rules over everything.  Doing it all is highly unlikely.

Finally, I think about who I am spiritually.  Ha.  It would take WAY TOO MANY blog posts to say it all.  But, while I've fought with God from everything from hangers, cereal, and the cold shoulder, I have grown exponentially.  I know what it is like to be angry at God.  I know what it is like to fall before God in tears.  I know what it is like to hear His voice.  I know what it is like to see Him working in other people's lives in ways you would never dream!  I know what it is like to do crazy things for God.  I hope and pray I will continue to grow.  No matter where life takes me, I know that He is with me.  I know that He will protect my travels to Africa. 

I never would have guessed that I would go from thinking of myself as a music educator to a missionary all in two years.  But, I know that it is what I'm called to do.  I can't wait to see the children!  May I forever follow God!  Never any human being less than Jesus Christ Himself! 

So, here's to many more years of learning.  Here's to many more years of allowing God to work in my life.  Yes, it will be sad leaving this life in Springfield, Missouri.  But, I can't tell you how excited I am for this new phase of my life...academically, socially, and spiritually! 

Starving Soul

Today was my fifth day of going to Mass daily.  I really enjoy being able to have the lectionary Scriptures read to me.  It's convenient and I learn a lot just by being present and surrounded by a community of believers.  I feel like I'm a baby-believer again, in a way.  Although, I'm quite the opposite.  I'm a baby-Catholic, but certainly not a baby-believer!  I think the thing for me is being okay with not taking communion.  I know that it shouldn't be a big deal and I understand the viewpoint on it, but it is still hard to pass it up when I feel I already understand the sacrament.  It isn't hurtful.  It is just hard.  I feel like all eyes recognize that I didn't accept communion, rather I received a blessing.  And, it is hard knowing that I can't take communion and not knowing when I will be able to take it again.  Usually, the RCIA program doesn't start until September and it ends nearly a year later around Easter...which we just passed.  SO...Needless to say, it sounds like it will be a while.  Which makes it difficult.  It is as if my soul is longing for the physical bread and cup to fill me spiritually.  That probably didn't make sense.  But regardless, my soul starves for the Presence of Jesus within.  I want to be apart of the unity of the Church.  I feel like I'm at home in the Catholic church, but I still feel like an outsider when it comes to the Eucharist.  I hope and pray that I don't let this discourage me.  I love the Catholic Church and I want to be apart of its ministry.

While I've been going to Mass daily, my soul is still starving.  No matter how much I try to fill it with the Scripture or prayer, it never fails to "grumble" when I pass on the Eucharistic meal.  My soul starves for the reality of the Presence of Jesus!

It's Here!

So here we are.  May 10th.  Today is the day I've waited for since sometime in February!!!  Today, I see Dr. Hunt.  She is a rheumatologist who treats fibro and who knows what else?!  Hopefully, she can help with the pain.  Not gonna lie, I have no clue where I'm going.  Thanks to GPSs I'm not too worried about it.  I just don't want to wander the halls and miss my appt.  ;)  I really am hoping that it is easy to find though.  I'm not in the mood to search for places today.  I'm in pain.  I'm beginning to be annoyed by the song Blessings by Laura Story, but it's the only way for me to make some sort of peace with being in pain.  But anyway, onto a nicer topic.......

Okay, so not so nice.  Finals week.  It really sucks.  I'm stressed still.  My back is probably as hard as a rock and I have to force myself to get ready in the morning because I just don't want to get out of bed.  I feel like finals' week is a student's worse nightmare, but they still make us do it.  I don't get it.  I also am incredibly nervous for this whole essay test tomorrow.  I won't have much time to study today, although it is my hopes that I can get time in to study today after my appointment.  If I don't study, I will legitimately fail.  I already am hoping that I can manage to get it all done and put everything I know on the paper.  I think it will be easier than she is making it sound, but that doesn't comfort me any.  Lol.  I will be writing on each essay for 20 minutes and I will probably die afterward.  But, who knows?!  I may survive to go home with a load of stuff that I have yet to pack.  Haha.  I'm soooo not even close to having my apartment close to moving.  Okay...onto a nicer topic......

I'm going to daily mass today again.  I must admit it gets my priorities straight for the day.  I am excited to go to St. Cletus' daily mass too!  I think they even pray the Rosary afterward...which is different for me!  Exciting!  :-)  I loved being able to go to CCM's daily mass yesterday.  I can't tell you what it is like for me to be able to go to any Catholic church and "know the words."  I'm not worried about it.  I'm in hopes that I enjoy it.  If I do, I will probably make it a priority in my schedule when I transfer.  But anyhow, I'm excited.  I suppose only I would get excited about being able to go to church every single day.  But, shouldn't we all?!  I mean, if we all love Jesus, shouldn't we want to worship Him every day not only in our daily lives, but also with others!  It just makes me excited.  I'm a bit nervous because I haven't been to a daily mass at St. Cletus, but I'm sure it will be fine.  I guess I'm more nervous about going alone than anything.  Especially since I won't know anyone.  But, hey, I know Jesus and since He'll be there, I'll be fine!  Haha...So, I best be leaving.  Gotta go all the way across town!!!  Onto a nicer topic.........

Adios! 

Justify

Since my decision to become a Catholic, I've fought many battles.  Sure, it's been a battle in the last few days as I've announced my decision...But here's the thing:

I shouldn't have to justify myself!

I shouldn't have to make an announcement to everyone about what I'm doing with my life.  I shouldn't have to give reasons why I believe what I do.  I don't feel like that furthers the kingdom of God!  I really don't know how else to say this.

For those of you who care, I'm writing my justification as best as I can and as fully as I feel comfortable putting out there for the world to see.  So here it goes.

I was led to the Catholic Church by God.  While my experiences in the Catholic Church weren't the greatest as a kid, I learned more and more as I spoke with friends, especially during my high school years.  Two of my friends sat at "The Christian Rejects' Table."  (That's the name I gave to our lunch table.)  These people who sat regularly with me for lunch became some of my closest friends.  Two of them were Catholic.  I think the discussions and debates that we had were steps in the right direction for me.  While I didn't win all of them and neither did they, I think we made huge leaps in establishing our own views of the Church and, most importantly, Christ.  I even began respecting their belief system by not eating meat on Fridays during Lent as well as giving up something more as a sacrifice and not being rude towards their opinions, no matter how wrong I thought they were.  I too would make the sign of the cross when we prayed with each other.  It was normal for me to become tolerant and explore other faiths as a high school student.  I must say that by having quite a few faiths present, the discussions were great:  Catholic, Methodist, Presbyterian, Baptist, Pagan, and Assembly of God.  And this was merely high school.

As I moved into college, I began to explore the various campus ministries.  I went to Green Room, which is a Methodist ministry, for quite a while.  I served on leadership and played in the worship band.  Then, we revised the ministry.  I was no longer on leadership.  I began to explore again.  I couldn't just sit around and only go to the worship service.  I tried to lead a small group (aka - life group), but the groups were discontinued after a while.  I must admit that I believe that discontinuing the groups was a bad decision as I look back.  Meanwhile, I went to a few Christian ministries that don't group themselves with a particular church.  I also tried CCM.  CCM is the Catholic Campus Ministry on Missouri State University's campus.  (Yes, that's the school where I've spent the last two years of my life.)  I went to a noon mass with a friend named Katie.  (Hopefully she doesn't mind!)  She really was an awesome example of the Catholic faith and made me want to explore it.  I researched it a bit.  I also want to know what all the things were that I was saying, or supposed to say.  Now, I'm happy to announce that I can successfully make it through a noon mass, knowing all the words!!!  Katie really encouraged me to come again, but because I couldn't take communion, I had a hard time going, though I loved the formality with which they approached communion.  I learned the whereabouts of what one is supposed to do and where one should go within the service.  I loved it though.  It was a break from all of the busyness of the school day.

As the semester broke and I was headed into my second year at MSU, I was called to cover my head.  I did NOT want to cover my head, yet I reluctantly followed God's prodding.  I must admit that I loved covering once I got past it all.  But, as I was researching it, I kept finding all these Christian women who covered their head...however, they were Catholic.  While they were not nuns, they still covered.  There's another time that I've dug into Scripture, but also the tradition of the church.  Of course, that was the Church - the Catholic Church.  So, I began doing all sort of research on Catholicism and wondered if the change might be good...however, there were still some doctrine that I didn't quite agree with.

This year has been phenomenal in regards to my spiritual life.  I never would have guessed that I would become angry at God.  But I did.  I never would have thought that my best friend would walk away from me and classify me in her heart as unforgivable, but then turn back four months later and forgive me.  I never would have thought that I would EVER be diagnosed with a chronic illness.  But I was.  I never would have thought that I would cover my head for a semester, even as a Muslim woman might...but I did.  I never would have guessed that I would begin the ministry process.  But I did.  I never would have guessed that I would END the ministry process, but I did.  You know, there are just things in your life that affect your spirituality.  My parents divorced and my health declined.  I became angry at God.  It was just how it played out.  I think what is so hard for me to grasp is how I grew from it all.  Even when I was angry at God I was still growing.  Even when I was classified as unforgivable, I was still growing.  Even when I looked like a Muslim woman, I was still growing.  I've grown from what I was a year ago and I won't stop growing.

God is taking me places in my life that I've never explored before.  I'm not becoming a Catholic merely because I believe what a Catholic believes.  It is more.  More than I feel comfortable telling.  But I'll give you a bit.

When I was angry at God, my devotional life completely declined.  I lost my discipline.  I lost the desire to want to know God.  I became someone who was merely going through the motions.  I don't want to be like that.  I want a church where I can be pushed to grow.  I want the accountability of confession.  I want to be able to show that reverence to my Savior that I've lost somewhere.  I found that in the Catholic church.  I want to go to mass with the intent to worship God.  I don't want to go there to evaluate the sermon and decide what I've learned.  I want to go there to worship.  I don't want to go to have a social life.  I want to go there to worship.  I think what I love most is that I still have the opportunity to learn and socialize outside of the hour of mass.  And now that I've researched Catholicism more than ever, I know the backing behind every disagreement I've had.  I can see where the Church is coming from and I'm okay with it.  But, like I said, becoming a Catholic is more than theology for me.  If it were merely theology, I would forget about it.  But it isn't.  It is a life decision.  I wasn't hasty in making it either.  It took years as I've written.  And it's been turning in my mind for months.  And it's been on my heart for weeks.  And it's been put there by God. 

One day, I will go to Africa.  And I will teach children how to read and write.  I will teach them how to take care of themselves.  But more than that, I will teach them the reverence of God that I've embraced.  I will teach them how God holds out His arms for them to come running to them on good days and bad days.  I will show them how to study God's Word.  I will show them the One who can bring hope and comfort to their lives.  I will go to Africa.  It may be dangerous.  It may be a crazy idea.  BUT...I don't want to go through the motions.  I don't want to regret it later in life by following what others want.  I want to live my life in the way I see fit to further the kingdom of God.  I am an adult, so I should be able to do that.  I'm grateful for all my parents have taught me thus far.  And they will continue to teach me.  But I hope that they and you can understand that I can't justify every life decision that I make.  I can't make everyone happy.  So, I'm focusing on one - God.

I want to be a Catholic.  And I want to go to Africa.  I don't want to have to justify everything to you, because I hope that eventually it will become normal for me to stray away from the Motions we get caught in...

Chosen & Defeated

Today, Nichole and I decided to try the Church of St. Cletus.  We went to the noon mass.  It was definitely a contemporary mass...and I felt completely at home.  To the few of you that I've talked to, you know the excitement that I have!  This is EXACTLY what I needed:  the reverence for the Christ and the Eucharist as well as the contemporary music to bring it to heart for me.  SO, I've chosen where I will be going in the coming weeks, months, and YEARS!  I hope to set up an appointment with one of the Fathers for later this week to talk about joining the fun and things like that!  I'd love to figure out how to do the whole Confession thing and begin doing that.  Sounds kinda crazy that I want to go to confession, but I really feel it would help me sort through my life and get it back to the "me" it used to be (only in a new phase of life).  In other words, I want the joy and the peace I had...AND the motivation and momentum to do anything my heart led me to do!

On another topic, I have a rheumatologist appointment in the St. Louis area Tuesday morning.  It's early so I have to drive from school to Monday evening after arriving home just today after a long weekend!  THEN, I must deal with the rheumy and drive back for more finals on Wednesday that I've not even looked at yet.  I'm already stressed about the finals I've been studying for that are tomorrow, none the less the finals I haven't studied for yet!!!  BUT...I've waited for this appointment for MONTHS so Mom thinks I should go.  I hate that I have to do all this driving.  It's a 4 hour trip which is hard on my body when it is weak like this.  It just really frustrates me that I have to deal with another doctor in the middle of finals week.  I'm nearly panicked.  I am in tears with frustration and stress keeps on piling on top of me.  :'(  I just don't know anymore.  My grades will drop this semester.  No doubt in that.  I'd love to keep my 4.0, but somehow I feel that isn't going to happen by a long shot!  I know that a B would be great for some people, but I have INCREDIBLY HIGH standards for myself.  I feel like I'm surrendering though.  I'm allowing my health to take priority over my school work and that isn't like me.  That's like this "me" that I've become because of the trauma my body has been through in recent months.  

I hate feeling like this.  I hate feeling like I have to choose between what I want and what my body wants.  My body hates me right now.  It hardly made it through the drive back here and now I'm going to terrorize it again and make the drive the next three days.  The stress isn't helping my body either.  And stress is kind of the definition for finals week.  But hey, it's only two weeks out of the year! 

So, I won't drag this out too long, but please say a prayer that this all works out as God wants.  I'm relying on Him to pull me through.  AND...I must confess that I AM SOOOOO EXCITED ABOUT BECOMING A CATHOLIC!!!!  LOL!  :)  Oh, and Happy Mothers' Day!

BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I'm Addicted

I have confirmed that I am addicted to writing blog posts, especially when I'm dealing with a lot in regards to my spiritual life.  I know that I should be dealing with this in a way that is "less public."  However, I really love being able to think my way through things as I write.  So do bear with me. 

It's Sunday morning.  Almost 9am and I am still sitting in my pajamas.  I am not sure what to do.  I plan on going to noon mass with a friend, but I must admit that it seems like it is FOREVER AND EVER away!  It doesn't help that I was up SUPER early this morning! 

I couldn't sleep last night.  Between the pain and the anxiety, I slept lightly for most of the night.  Rarely did I fall completely asleep.  So, I did a lot of staring at the walls.  I do hope I'll sleep better tonight, but with finals tomorrow that I'm not really ready for, it is doubtful.  I hate not being able to feel in control and knowing what I'm doing.  This would be a lot easier if I could just get over myself and focus on God and His will.  So, here's to focusing on God!  :)

Journey into the Unknown

Today, I've really missed the familiar.  Ya know, the stuff I've been doing to worship Jesus for the last 19 years, 11 months, and one day!  But, I'm positive that I'm headed in the right direction.  Once I'm in His Presence, I know that what I'm doing is right.  As anyone might guess, it wears off.  And I freak out and my uncertainty comes back. But it isn't so much uncertainty about my decision as it is moving into the unfamiliar.  Anyhow, I don't want to drag this out because my hands hurt pretty bad right now as they are swollen, but...

I went up for a blessing at communion today, since I'm not Catholic yet.  The lady didn't really know what to do with someone who doesn't want or can't take communion.  So, I just tried to forgive and forget...but I couldn't forget.  It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable.  I look back on it and laugh.  But at the time, I was nearly in tears.  It was hard enough being closed from the table, though I understand why I couldn't partake in the meal.  So, that will be one thing that I'll just have to learn to deal with while I'm not Catholic and perhaps this time away from the meal will help me truly appreciate the significance of it, though it pains me to wait.  Another phase of my wilderness.  :)

On another note, I "told" my Methodist pastor about becoming Catholic through an email after his asking if I could preach at the end of June.  So, hopefully he takes it well and doesn't ask too many questions.  ;) 

Okay.  I'm done.  I'm becoming a Catholic, so bear with me as I transition.  OH...And my best friend/sister, Nichole, says the bestest prayers ever!!!  :-)  So, enjoy the ride as I journey into the unknown......

The Battle Within

Last night, before I posted a blog about it, I talked to my parents and grandma about becoming Catholic AND becoming a missionary.  (Two hard pieces of news in one conversation!)  I can't tell you how hard it was to open up to them what's been on my heart.  I wasn't sure how exactly they would react, but I had a pretty good picture.  It was hard to talk to people that had raised me in the church, even if they didn't always go or practice what was preached.  But, now they know.  I know that I have the support of my dad and grandma no matter what I do or where I go to church as long as I'm following Jesus.  My mom has a lot of questions and concerns, most of which are understandable.  All in all, it is up to me, though, in how I choose to live my life in Christ. 

While I am not second-guessing myself, I do have a battle going on between my mind and my heart.  My mind tells me that I'm leaving what I know best and that in itself is stupid.  But my heart tells me that I'm following what God wants, even if it means leaving my comfort zone of Methodism.  My mind tells me that my family (my mom, dad, sibs, grandma) will not be able to take communion at my church ever again and that saddens me.  But my heart tells me that I understand the "closed table" and that one day I will have a family of my own who will be able to take communion with me.  My mind tells me that this may create a struggle in my spiritual leading of my immediate family.  But my heart tells me that I can't always be the leader and I must do what I feel is best for me.  My mind was scared of the transition between the churches.  But my heart is telling me to press on.  So, there was this battle going on.  Frankly, my mind was winning last night and it put me in a pretty ugly place where the stress was affecting my body.  As I was telling my struggle to my best friend Nichole she was trying to calm the battle.  While her arguments were incredibly good, it just didn't seem to be calming the anxiety the battle had created.  I don't have any clue if she has any recollection of this, but she "out of the blue" said a prayer for me.  It made me cry, and since I was laying down, I had tears running into my ears.  I can't even remember a lot of what she said, but whatever it was...it was good!  This sense of complete peace spread over my body.  My heart stopped racing.  My mind went still before the Throne. 

The battle was won.  My heart persevered.  I knew I was following Christ's lead.  It is as if He has His arm around my shoulder as we walk down this path that is very unfamiliar to me.  But I can look into His eyes and see the glimmer of a smile.  I am a bit excited for what lies ahead...Well, VERY excited! 

Yes this battle was won, but the war will continue.  But, my heart has restored hope and it isn't alone for it has Christ within.  I just have to remember to go with who Christ wants me to be, rather than who the world is telling me to be.  But for now...

My heart has won the battle within....

Maamuzi

I've made my decision.  So, thanks to all those who have said a prayer for me.  I really appreciate it.

Clearly, the name of this blog is not English.  In fact, it is Swahili for "decisions."  I've been making a lot of decisions lately.  Not to be a pastor was a HUGE decision.  However, I'm finding a lot of freedom in that and finding my way in life, including my Purpose.  I'm finding that there are ways outside of the pulpit that I can lead people to Jesus.  And honestly, they are pretty HUGE ways.

I've decided to become a missionary.  I want to go to Africa with the Maryknoll Lay Missioners.  It is a Catholic organization that takes care of EVERYTHING you can imagine to make sure as much work for Jesus gets done as possible!  Hopefully, I will be able to teach English and spend time with the lil' ones in Kenya!  It is also a three and a half year program, with four weeks of vacation, a stipend to cover living expenses, and MUCH more!  Honestly, it is my DREAM program.

But by now you've noticed that it is a Catholic organization.  Why am I looking at a Catholic organization?  Because I am joining the Catholic church.  I have really been praying about my life and its direction.  After really feeling like God wasn't calling me to be a pastor, I felt led to the Catholic church.  I have a friend who is a pretty strong Catholic.  After going to Mass a few times, I just feel more at home in the Catholic church.  I've discussed, pretty extensively, what the Catholics believe.  I have done TONS of research about their doctrine and every single thing I've ever disagreed with, I don't disagree with anymore.  I just feel like going to the Catholic church is the right thing for me.  As for the concepts of not taking communion for the next while and going to confession, they make me sad and slightly uncomfortable respectively, but I will press on and get through it.  Confession only makes me a little uncomfortable because it is so foreign to me.  But, I'm sure I'll get used to it.  I love the reality of it.  SO, I hope I will have the support of everyone in making this transition.  Believe me, I have NOT taken this decision lightly.  Most of you reading this know that I was born and raised United Methodist and have rarely strayed from that path.  But, take comfort in that I fully believe that I'm a Christian believing that Jesus came to earth to die on a cross to save me.  I am just going to follow where God leads me.  It is a plus that there are MANY programs out there for missionaries in the Catholic church.

These are the decisions, or maamuzi, that I've been praying about and settling.  I am open to discussion, but not debate.  Thanks for your cooperation on that!  Anyway, that's what's going on!!!  Happy Dead Day!

My rosary.  :)

Dead Day Drama

Last night was.......interesting.  My best friend talked to her mother about her depression.  But, as much as I love her mom, she did the exact same thing my mom did.  She brought up every single thing that I should be depressed about.  That's definitely something one should NOT do when their child comes to you and tells you that she is suicidal or feeling depressed.  It just isn't cool whatsoever!  It makes the child feel worse as moments from her past is brought up or even current situations that she still has to deal with!  I know moms have the best interest in mind for their child and that they are merely worried for the child, but it just makes dealing with the depression that much worse when you don't have an appointment with the psychaitrist as SOON as you get done with mom's list of depressing things.  SO...if you know someone who is depressed or dealing with some tough issues, try not to bring up every single thing that they should be depressed about...especially not all in one night!  ANYHOW...(*steps off soapbox*)

Today has already been fun.  I got up SUPER early this morning after going to bed SUPER late to go with Nichole to work.  It was nice having someone to talk to, even if it was 5am!  Afterward, I "stole" her car. I'll pick her up later to go to her doctor appointment and lunch.  I must admit, it was a bit scary driving her car for the first time, but now I know how it handles so it isn't so scary. 

The plan for today:  study, study, study.  Pick up Nichole.  Her doc appointment.  Lunch.  Cake.  Study.  Play with bunnies.  Study.  Study. 

Yes, welcome to the dead day drama......of finals approaching!

Time Travel

5:15am  Woke up thinking about best friend.  Text said person.

6:00am  Fell back asleep.  FINALLY!

6:40am  Woke back up.  Text received about blog last night from best friend.  More talk about said blog.

7:00am  Best friend mentions being scared of herself and what she can do to end the pain.  Scares me to death!

8:00am  Will not get off the phone with best friend.  Scares me too much to think about losing her, even if she was at work today.  Began packing as quickly as possible.

9:00am  Left the apartment.  Got fuel.  (And a Pepsi.)  And was on my way to her place.  ETA: 12:30pm.

10:03am  Got the feeling I was going to be run over by an 18-wheeler...twice.  Was on phone off and on with best friend.  Starting to feel better as she made various appointments with doctors and seemed to cheer up.  

11:15am  Felt the need to pray the Rosary, thus the Rosary was prayed for said friend.  Afterward, much singing in adoration of God was done.  I had a good time with it, though still completely paying attention to my driving.

11:40am  Metal bar in road.  Car next to me.  Can't swerve to miss it.  "Shit."  Ker-plunk, Ker-plunk.

11:41am  Smoke appeared from rear.  Concerns me greatly.

11:42am  Left message on Dad's voicemail.  Call Mom.  Mom said it was probably fine.  Dad returns call.  Dad said it was not fine.

11:43am  Pull off at gas station just to check on the car.  Asked Dad if it is okay to turn off my car.  He said that I should be fine.  Turn car off.

11:44am  Checked on car.  Lots of red fluid has formed a puddle under my car.  Concerns me greatly.  Looks above car...no parking sign.  Ahead of me, scale for 18-wheelers.  Truckers pull around me ungrateful of my desire to park my car in their way.  (Though, one trucker was an excellent driver and figured out how to make it!)

12:02pm  Still sitting at gas station.  Scared and alone.  Unsure of what to do.  Posted this status:

Scared and lonely.  

Sitting in a no parking zone in a car that is leading tons of oil and probably a shot engine.  

Yay for some metal bar in the middle of hwy 44.  

Needless to say, it's just me and God for the next while.  :'/

12:03pm  Still scared.  Multiple calls.  Afraid of the battery quickly decreasing on my phone.  Still wondering when I'm going to make it home (well, my best friend's home).  Praying that God will use this incident in some good way.  

12:57pm  Dad arrives.  By now, it looks as if some dead person is bleeding all underneath my car.  Transferred stuff over to his car.  ROLLED/PUSHED my car to a safer location.  Hid key for tow truck driver and headed to best friend's house with much thanks to Dad!  :)

2:06pm  Arrival and unloaded my stuff.  Set up my throne next to best friend's throne.  Thanked God for the safe arrival.  And continued my day.  

**********

Needless to say, it has been quite the day.  Especially with the craziness of my morning.  My friend honestly scared me.  I suppose it is because she began using my name in the texts.  She does that when she is upset or angry.  But this time, I just got the vibe.  I didn't ignore it.  As I was driving, I wondered if I was nuts making the drive home the weekend before finals week.  But, I completely and totally understood that I needed to make the drive.  No matter how much my knees screamed at me.  And especially while I was praying the Rosary, I just felt I was doing something right.  Granted, the metal bar came and it seemed all was lost.  But while the financial burden will certainly be a burden, I knew it would all play into some crazy plan of God's.  I didn't lose hope, except for a moment that I had to myself before the phone calls came.  The greatest part though, was that my best friend sent me a text right as I was ending the Rosary thanking me for taking the time to come home to see her.  That was definitely my favorite part of the day.  

I don't know how many people can just get up and leave whatever you're doing, without even thinking of the consequences, to be there for a friend.  I just hope that you are there for people when they need you most.  I pray that you are there to listen and to be a smile, even if it is your last!  I hope you have someone in your life that would do the same for you too!  

Most of all, I pray that you have someone in your life that you can share life with.  No, I'm not talking specifically about marriage or boyfriend/girlfriend, though that can be part of it.  I'm talking about someone you can be completely and utterly honest with.  The person that you can share your heart, no matter how heavy it is, and they are willing to hold it in their hands with the utmost care you could ever imagine.  The person you can share your deepest darkest secrets with, but can be laughing hysterically 23.7 seconds later!  Someone you love being around, even if nothing is said.  Someone who loves you for you, no matter what.  

I have that friend.  In fact, she is even more than a best friend.  She is my sister.  Not by blood.  Rather by that deep friendship that we are sharing life together.  Through thick and thin, we hold each other up.  Even when our strength is weak, we have God to help us.  Our faith keeps our glimmer of a will going through it all.  I know I can make it through any day because I have someone here on earth willing to walk (or even crawl) with me through it.  

Today has been interesting.  Scary.  But a reminder of what really matters in this life:

1)  Love God.

2)  Love People. 

Back-to-Back

I know I just finished a post, but I have a piece of extra news to tell!  :)

I have an appointment with a pain management clinic!!! :)  Like, the program one!  Anyhow, it's June 1st at 10am.  Well, actually it's two appointments, one at 10am, the other at 11am.  I won't get done until about 12:30pm that day.  SO...That's some crazy news, but good news.  Hopefully they can help with the pain that I'm dealing with.  And I am sooooo grateful to my best friend for giving me the number to this place.  I really feel like they will help deal with all the pain I'm experiencing.

Alright.  I am getting another headache, so I'm gonna go to bed!  Adios!

Confessions of Change

Today has been hard.  I woke up with a headache and fibro pain that I thought would be the death of me.  BUT, I was still on a positivity kick from my best friend, Nichole.  So, I had the song Blessings by Laura Story playing in my head over and over and over and over.  At first, it was really annoying.  I even played it a couple times via YouTube, but I couldn't get it out of my head.  Soon, it became more of a comfort.  I sang along and tried to allow the words to flow from my heart.  By the time I was leaving that morning, I had been annoyed by the song, comforted by the song, encouraged by the song, and made fun of the song because of the fantastic mood that I was in, amidst the pain. 

I had a pretty decent time with classes and hanging out with a new friend.  I did something today that I intend on doing again tomorrow.  I reminded myself of my purpose.  But, within some time, I was back to stressed out Samantha.  I listened to the details of my final exam for one of my classes.  Needless to say, it freaked me out!  Eight essays..."You may need more than one blue book?!"  WHAT?!  Immediately, I had my mind on my health issues.  I was thinking about how it generally goes now-a-days where my writing hand goes numb or hurts like crazy to where it can't function after a short time of taking notes.  I freaked out.  My breathing became shallow and quick.  I started to get super nervous.  My headache reappeared, that had dissipated after a couple hours this morning, stronger than ever.  Nichole tried to calm me.  But the exam was still approaching and still making me anxious.  In the midst of our conversation, I got the feeling that my nerves weren't helping her whatsoever, so I tried to drop the topic and brought up the dreaded topic of health.  Clearly that was a bad idea, because afterward she got off the phone as soon as she possibly could.  (Now, this is only my side of the story, so do not blame her whatsoever for what has been said.)  This topic seems to be identified as negative.  Especially since health issues are always seeming to cause pain.  Mine are limited compared to what Nichole fights against every single day of her life.  Gotta admit, I still admire her perseverance to keep fighting no matter what comes her way.  It's something deep within her that I still haven't figured out, but that I hope I have that in me too.  :)

Anyhow, it wasn't until later that I figured out what I had done.  And at first, it really frustrated me.  I have been talking to her about her health since the beginning, and she's heard about my health (even before the fibro crap) since the beginning of our friendship.  It was common for us to respond to the "How are you?" question with health or school/work issues.  I felt like it was a huge rope in our friendship because we were able to answer honestly and openly.  But now, it is almost a thread that you don't want to cut for fear the day may fall apart.  HOWEVER, I still believe the question can be asked.  I know that the strive to be positive can fall apart if we really dwell on the answer to the question.  I know that I begin to survey all of my pain and how many bad things happened that day.  But, it could be much easier on us as humans if we answer openly, but without dwelling too much on the bad.  If we looked at the good in relation to the bad.  I just fear that I answer how are you questions with much too negative and LONG answers. So, brevity is becoming my new specialty and I will be open to further questioning if wanted.  I can't wait for the days when I can answer "How are you?" with fantastic, regardless of how I may be feeling that day!

Along with all of the conversational side of things, I'm making some changes in my life.  And honestly, some of them are pretty big changes.  One of which is the switch to more positive thinking!  This completely has to rearrange my way of thinking.  Instead of dwelling on the pain I am feeling, I have to focus on other things.  And sometimes, I have to focus REALLY HARD! So, I don't know what is going to become of this.  I think it is going to be something I just have to train myself to do.  So, bear with me as I make the change.

Another change is the shift in my career.  I know I seem to be going back and forth with this one.  But, I'm positive now.  (This is where the title comes in.  Haha.)  I'm not going to be a United Methodist Pastor.  Surprise!  I would really love to discuss this more, but it would take three blog posts in itself!  In brief, I don't feel like God has called me to lead the church in this way.  I feel like I would have such a comfortable life.  I know that some think this is my God-given dream, but it isn't my dream.  I've thought a lot about it.  And yes, I feel very comfortable in the pulpit! But, it isn't where God has called me to be.  As I think back to my calling, God seemed to place a desire in my heart for something, or rather, somewhere other than America.  Yes, Africa.  I never felt comfortable in the ministry process.  It just isn't my home.  God has called me to be a pastor in a different way.  He has called me to be a missionary.  It goes back to my purpose.  To help people...and to bring the Gospel to the ends of the earth! 

If this switch displeases you, or if you feel I'm making the wrong decision, I'm sorry.  But, I'm following God's lead.  Until now, I haven't seen exactly where He was leading.  I wanted so badly for it to go my way and to be planned out.  But, I got mad at God for all the health issues.  And while I didn't run away, I protested.  I stopped doing daily devotions.  Prayer time became my list of requests time, without any time to listen for a response.  Study was...only when absolutely necessary for some group or church thing.  I started to find church to be unhelpful.  Friends had deserted.  Family issues peaked.  Nothing was going my way.  But then, the dream of Africa was watered.  It was renewed.  I began searching my heart for what I know best.  I began to examine my life as a disciple of Jesus.  Frankly, I failed.  Miserably!  But, the longing was there.  The desire to know God has been fueled.  Depression and anger will not win!!!  I won't let it.  I can't let it.  My faith is what has held me to this point, and it will be what holds me until the end of my life and beyond! 

Tonight, I got pretty down.  A person that I usually spend a lot of my time talking to in the evenings decided to take a break from the world.  I didn't know what to do.  I went to a campus ministry night with a friend.  Not going to lie, I had a great time!  The people became a family, and soon I knew quite a few names and faces and a lot about their personality.  It just made my night.  Too bad it is at the end of the semester that I found this campus ministry.  But, the social aspect of my life tonight got me going again. 

I'm not saying that I need a jillion more friends.  Honestly, I love the one best friend that I have with all that I am.  But, being able to goof off tonight and act like a college student was something I hadn't done in a while with all my oldladyitis. 

On my way home from the campus ministry night, I stopped at a Christian book store.  (Yes, Dad...)  I picked up a "missions journal."  I'm not really sure what it is all about, but I really feel the need to start journaling again and getting into the habit of reading Scripture.  This blog has really become a journal, but I need a place to journal prayers, that may be a lil' too private for the blogging world.  ;)  Anyhow, I hope it is something that I can keep up with and that I can be encouraged by the experience of examining exactly where God has called me to be a missionary and how that might take place.

ALSO...There is one more change that I'm making in my life.  I can't discuss it on here right now, but a few people know what I'm referring to.  I can just assure you that I'm making this decision with a huge amount of prayer and discernment.  But, the decision is, indeed, mine to make.  So, I'd appreciate any and all prayers you can send up for me.

As I pulled into my apartment complex tonight, I noticed the moon.  I probably haven't looked at the sky in ages.  But, no joke, it looked like the moon was smiling at me.  Had I not slowed my day down enough to focus on God, I would have NEVER seen the moon.  I would have never seen the silver smile that seemed to confirm that all I am doing is good. 

So, there are my confessions of change.  I am just trying to remember that no matter what, life will be good.  Not always simple or easy, but good.  And God is with me.  And His Presence can mean all the difference between a good day and a bad day.  That's all I got!  Adios!