Bedtime at 10am?!

I woke up today with a migraine.  Actually, this migraine is leftover from last night.  How am I writing on a computer screen if I have a migraine, you ask? My eyes are closed and the computer screen is as dim as can be...and my typing is as soft as possible.  I am so sick of laying in bed doing nothing.  That's all these diseases seem to want to do.  I'm excited to start school on Monday, but I'm scared to death that school is going to kill my body.  Hiking quickly from one end of campus to the next with a full backpack in ten minutes does not sound appealing to me.  Especially in a flare, the task will be great.  I just want to be able to enjoy school now that I am finally choosing for myself what I want to do with my life and what I want to major in, etc.  I want life to be simple, yet with chronic pain, simple is merely wishful thinking.

Migraines suck.

Fibromyalgia sucks.

Even depression sucks.

Taking more meds than my grandma sucks.

Needless to say, I am considering bedtime at 10am...This sucks.  There's nothing else I can do.  Okay, I'm done now.  Adios.

Trapped & Turmoil

I feel trapped.

No, not in a gay relationship or whatever you want to call it.  And no.  Not with some controlling woman like some of you think that Nichole is.  I could end the relationship if I wanted to.  And no.  I don't want to end the relationship.

Nichole and I have mutually decided to post-pone the wedding until further notice.

No, this doesn't mean that the wedding isn't going to happen.  Nichole and I will be together for life, so we want to have the wedding how we want it, and so we would like to be in a place financially so that our wedding can be the wedding that we have dreamed of since little girls.  SO...We are not postponing it because you think it's a good idea.  And that brings me to why I feel trapped.

Nichole and I have had many people spouting their opinions.  Their opinions about our relationship and how we should act.  Opinions on whether or not it should even happen in accordance with God's will.  And I'm done listening to them.  My heart tells me that I am fine, but society tells me that what I am doing is taboo.  I'm trapped.  I'm trapped between what I want and what society wants for me.

For those of you who I caught completely off guard by announcing this relationship, I'm sorry.  For once I'm starting to live my life and love it.  I can't tell you how happy Nichole helps me to be.  When I'm with her, no matter if we were in a relationship or not, I feel comfortable and everything in my world seems perfect.  It makes me crazy to think that some of you see our relationship as some sort of joke or fluke.  It is very real.  And so, if you're one of those people who love and care for me, I hope that you can see this happiness whether you agree with homosexuality or not.  I know that Nichole and I made some mistakes early in our relationship, such as putting it on Facebook for the world to see, but we were just like any excited couple in love!  We want your support and your love.

With that being said, I can't live how each of you want me to live.  Recently, quite a few changes have taken place.  I've announced that I am no longer in the candidacy process for becoming a pastor in the United Methodist Church.  I have changed my major umpteen million times.  I've told people about becoming an editor some day and even teaching children English in Africa.  I've told you all about my decision to become Catholic.  Of course, way in the beginning, I spent some time with my head covered.  But all through it, I've begun to find myself.  I've come out of the turmoil of my parents' divorce and started living for me.  I still love God and He is still a huge part of my life, but I can't live my life how you have always dreamt it to be for me.  It doesn't work that way.  You get to live your life, please let me live mine.  You may see that as being selfish, and I'm sorry if you do.  But, I'm happy where I am at.  I just wish that everyone could see the happiness instead of the politics when it comes to Nichole and me.  It makes me sad to think that I live in a country that is hardly going to accept my relationship and only hope the best for my children in their journey.

In fact, I don't even want them being raised in this society/culture.  A society that is so set in stone is dangerous.  I want my children to learn to love God and love others as themselves.  This means that they do have to love themselves (Mark 12:31 NIV).  It is going to be ridiculous if the people I love most can't even accept me for becoming who I am.

So, please don't leave me trapped between society's wishes, your wishes, and my own hopes and dreams.  It causes way too much turmoil for one soul to deal with, even if she has the woman of her dreams standing next to her through it all.  Thanks.  And respectfully comment if you so choose.

ENGAGEMENT PHOTOS!

Yesterday, Nichole and I went to get our engagement photos done.  They are by a Mrs. Kymberly Spaulding who did our hair and make-up before we left!  I love being pampered, so it was an amazing day!  We went out to Cuivre River State Park to have lovely scenery.  Great times!  So, here are a few of my favorites! :)

Sorry if there are any repeats! BUT, don't they look phenomenal!  I'm so excited!  I can't wait to get some of them printed and framed! :)  Anyway, I love Nichole D Kelly!  She is the light of my life and the other half of my heartbeat!  She makes me happy to live!  She completes me!

Recent-ness

I have decided to go ahead and write a post to address some of the things that have been going on recently in my life.  And, I'm going to save the best for last.

I've been employed.  No, it isn't some fancy job...just retail.  BUT...I honestly can say that I love my job.  I love seeing all the different, crazy, unique people that come into the store.  I'm a sales associate, but to me, I'm so much more than just another person on their payroll.  Instead, I look at myself in a way that allows me to help people find the clothes and gear they need to do anything that they want to...whether that is look as great as they can going back to school or work, or help them have the tools that they need to hike Mount Everest.  (No joking there....)  I love the people I work with. The dynamics of the team are crazy but in a good way.  Not one person has the same personality as another.  So yes.  Great job.  Part-time, but that's exactly what I need for the school season.  :)

My mother got married!  I think this is a good thing.  Everyone deserves to be happy in this life.  The wedding was beautiful.  My mom looked great for being over 40 in a wedding dress!  That makes me excited for how great I'm going to look when I'm old and decrepit!  ;)  Anyhow, that's awesome!  So, I now have a step-dad and three step-sibs.  Not sure if I'm ready to call them siblings yet because I already have three great sibs, so we shall see how that goes!

NOW...The news you all have been waiting for!!!

I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I am engaged to Nichole Denise Kelly!  She is by far the most beautiful woman I have ever met.  Yes, she is a female.  Yes, this, by definition, would make me gay/lesbian/whatever you want to call it!  But, I can assure you that this is what I want with my life.  Now, to answer a few questions........

When did you get together?  Nichole and I met a couple years ago, but really didn't start talking until summer of 2010.  Then, by July, we were completely and utterly best friends!  We shared our hearts with each other more than anyone else I have ever known!  By February of 2011, we both knew that we loved each other more than just best friends, but we denied our feelings until July of 2011.  It was like a huge sweep of relief when we admitted it!  By the end of July, we were engaged!  :)

Have you always been "this" way?  For a lot of folks, it seems like the lifestyle I have chosen has come as a surprise.  But, now that I think about it, I think I have always been attracted to girls.  I think that may be why I never found any boys interesting enough to date, but I'm not sure.  I find some boys to be cute, so if anything ever happened to Nichole, I don't know if I would go for a boy or girl!  I guess it would just depend!  But, I hope and pray that never has to happen!

Don't you think things are going a bit too quick since you just started dating?  No.  Nichole and I talked about it and I think we know more about each other than some couples do before they get married!  We have completely shared our hearts, hopes and dreams with the other as well as our fears and concerns.  No one knows everything about the other before they get married....that's why it is a life-long journey.  Plus, we already feel like we've been dating!!!!

"It's not biblical."  Well, that's your interpretation.  I don't feel that way.  Until I'm convicted that what I'm doing is wrong, I'm not going to change.  I'm in love!!!  And true love only comes from God.  True love is what I have for Nichole.  Not to get all mushy or sexual, I'm not in love with Nichole only for sex.  I think that shall be quite a wonderful benefit, but I love her for who she is and I can't stand not to be with her all the days of my life!  Our relationship is not out of lust, which is what most of the Biblical passages are regarding: homosexual relations out of lust or adultery.

Are you still a Christian?  DUH!!!  I still believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior and the only way I can have a relationship with God!  Nichole and I strive to put God at the head of our relationship.  Just because I am choosing to live a homosexual lifestyle doesn't mean that I am rejecting God.  I assure you that I would NEVER be happy in life without God.  Been there, done that.  SO...OF COURSE I am still a Christian.  I still go to Mass and pray, etc.  It's just normal for me to do so and I love it.  It means a lot to me, so I won't stop being a Christian just because I've told the world that I'm in a homosexual relationship.  I still feel like I can be a great follower of Christ!  I love HIM!!!

So, are you going to get married to Nichole?  That's what engaged means, right????  Lol.  We plan on having a legal ceremony in a state that recognizes our love and then having an unofficial-official ceremony here for our friends and family!!!  We have already begun the planning, and I am SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, there is a LOT going on in my life.  I am completely and utterly in love.  Nichole makes me the happiest person alive!!!  (Though, she would disagree.)  She has helped me find the real me instead of the me that everyone else wants me to be.  I've finally started living my own life and being my own person, which has made me happier than I have ever been!  This is by far, the happiest I've been in a LONG time!!!  So, that is awesome.  Everything seems to be going great, even though there are plenty of struggles in my life.  I love telling people how we got engaged, so if you want to know....ASK!  PLEASE!  And if you want to know anything else or if you still have questions, talk to Nichole or I about it.  Please don't go to our parents or each other because they can't talk about us as well as we can!  So, thanks for respecting that!

ALRIGHT...Well, I have to get ready for work, so I'll keep you all updated on the wedding planning, etc. Have an awesome and blessed day!!!!!!!

GREAT Read

This is by FAR the best letter ever written.  I would never have this letter written to me, but...I think it is pretty darn hilarious.  Take it as a joke...but seriously, it's great!!!  I did not write it, so I have no credibility in this piece of art.  It was shared to me through a group that I am in on Facebook.  Regardless, please enjoy the great read below entitled:


"Advice from an ER Doctor to a Drug Seeker"

OK, I am not going to lecture you about the dangers of narcotic pain medicines. We both know how addictive they are: you because you know how it feels when you don't have your vicodin, me because I've seen many many many people just like you. However, there are a few things I can tell you that would make us both much happier. By following a few simple rules our little clinical transaction can go more smoothly and we'll both be happier because you get out of the ER quicker.

The first rule is be nice to the nurses. They are underpaid, overworked, and have a lot more influence over your stay in the ER than you think. When you are tempted to treat them like shit because they are not the ones who write the rx, remember: I might write for you to get a shot of 2mg of dilaudid, but your behavior toward the nurses determines what percent of that dilaudid is squirted onto the floor before you get your shot.

The second rule is pick a simple, non-dangerous, (non-verifiable) painful condition which doesn't require me to do a four thousand dollar work-up in order to get you out of the ER. If you tell me that you headache started suddenly and is the 'worst headache of your life' you will either end up with a spinal tap or signing out against medical advice without an rx for pain medicine. The parts of the story that you think make you sound pitiful and worthy of extra narcotics make me worry that you have a bleeding aneurysm. And while I am 99% sure its not, I'm not willing to lay my license and my families future on the line for your ass. I also don't want to miss the poor bastard who really has a bleed, so everyone with that history gets a needle in the back. Just stick to a history of your 'typical pain that is totally the same as I usually get' and we will both be much happier.

The third rule (related to #2) is never rate your pain a 10/10. 10/10 means the worst pain you could possibly imagine. I've seen people in a 10/10 pain and you sitting there playing tetris on your cell phone are not in 10/10 pain. 10/10 pain is an open fracture dangling in the wind, a 50% body surface deep partial thickness burn, or the pain of a real cerebral aneurysm. Even when I passed a kidney stone, the worst pain I had was probably a 7. And that was when I was projectile vomiting and crying for my mother. So stick with a nice 7 or even an 8. That means to me you are hurting by you might not be lying. (See below.)

The fourth rule is never ever ever lie to me about who you are or your history. If you come to the ER and give us a fake name so we can't get your old records I will assume you are a worse douchetard than you really are. More importantly though it will really really piss me the fuck off. Pissing off the guy who writes the rx you want does not work to your advantage.

The fifth rule is don't assume I am an idiot. I went to medical school. That is certainly no guarantee that I am a rocket scientist I know (hell, I went to school with a few people who were a couple of french fries short of a happy meal.) However, I also got an ER residency spot which means I was in the top quarter or so of my class. This means it is a fair guess I am a reasonably smart guy. So if I read your triage note and 1) you list allergies to every non-narcotic pain medicine ever made, 2) you have a history of migraines, fibromyalgia, and lumbar disk disease, and 3) your doctor is on vacation, only has clinic on alternate Tuesdays, or is dead, I am smart enough to read that as: you are scamming for some vicodin. That in and of itself won't necessarily mean you don't get any pain medicine. Hell, the fucktards who list and allergy to tylenol but who can take vicodin (which contains tylenol) are at least good for a few laughs at the nurses station. However, if you give that history everyone in the ER from me to the guy who mops the floor will know you are a lying douchetard who is scamming for vicodin. (See rule # 4 about lying.)

The sixth and final rule is wait your fucking turn. If the nurse triages you to the waiting room but brings patients who arrived after you back to be treated first, that is because this is an EMERGENCY room and they are sicker than you are. You getting a fix of vicodin is not more important than the 6 year old with a severe asthma attack. Telling the nurse at triage that now your migraine is giving you chest pain since you have been sitting a half hour in the waiting area to try to force her into taking you back sooner is a recipe for making all of us hate you. Even if you end up coming back immediately, I will make it my mission that night to torment you. You will not get the pain medicine you want under any circumstances. And I firmly believe that if you manipulate your way to the back and make a 19 year old young woman with an ectopic pregnancy that might kill her in a few hours wait even a moment longer to be seen, I should be able to piss in a glass and make you drink it before you leave the ER.

So if you keep these few simple rules in mind, our interaction will go much more smoothly. I don't really give a shit if I give 20 vicodins to a drug-seeker. Before I was burnt out in the ER I was a hippy and I would honestly rather give that to ten of you guys than make one person in real pain (unrelated to withdrawal) suffer. However, if you insist on waving a flourescent orange flag that says 'I am a drug seeker' and pissing me and the nurses off with your behavior, I am less likely to give you that rx. You don't want that. I don't want that. So lets keep this simple, easy, and we'll all be much happier.

Sincerely,

Your friendly neighborhood ER doctor

Two Extremes

Let's see, good news or bad news first.......

BAD NEWS:  My rheumatologist appointment did not go well.  Good part of the bad news?  My rheumy doesn't think I have rheumatoid arthritis.  That's great, but I am still in tons of pain every day and she isn't doing anything about it.  Even if it is only the fibromyalgia that is causing all of the problems, she didn't even adjust any meds or give any advice on how to reduce/stop the pain.  It is making me crazy! My body is not some piece of useless material that can be thrown to the side while the doctor waits to mend it.  It doesn't work like that.  I have to be able to use my body!  Ha.  I want to be able to do so many things, but I can't if I don't have the strength to do it.  OR, if I physically can't because of the pain.  I hate that doctors pull you along on this vision that they know what they are talking about, BUT when it comes to diagnosing you, they are completely oblivious to your symptoms of pain and don't know/understand what is causing the pain and how to fix it.  And ANYONE who tells me that I don't like this doctor because they didn't diagnose me with something I thought I might have because a doctor told me I might have it is NO friend of mine.  That is probably the WORST thing you can tell someone who struggles every day with an invisible disease and experiences the pain that I feel.  It is hard enough as it is.  Don't make it worse.  I pay doctors to help me get better.  This one isn't.  That means they are not doing their job.  Don't tell me that I am just mad because the doctor didn't diagnose me with rheumatoid arthritis.  Just...don't make it worse.

On to a better topic...

GOOD NEWS:  I AM FULLY REGISTERED FOR FALL 2011 CLASSES!!!!!!  I had orientation and registration for my new university that I am transferring my credits to.  I breezed through most of the day.  I didn't have to take the english or math assessments...which was AWESOME!!!  And then I figured out that I definitely have enough loans and financial aid to help with the costs for the upcoming year.  Again, awesome.  After financial aid, I got to register for classes, which was BY FAR my favorite part.  I registered as an English major...but not just a simple English major, rather a SECONDARY ENGLISH EDUCATION major!!!!!!  I'm really excited about it.  My classes aren't that exciting, but I am back in the music realm too!  WHICH IS REALLLLLLLYYYYYY EXCITING!!!

Anyhow, I'm done typing for now.  There's the two extremes of my day, and it's not even 4pm yet!  Still have a ways to go....So Adios!

Family

It's been a while since I posted, so I figured I would today!  First and foremost, happy independence day!  Welcome to mid-summer!  Hope you all are staying cool and DRY?!  It looks like it will be an okay night for fireworks, considering it was pouring all afternoon/evening yesterday!!!  So that's exciting!  I heard rumor that we were shooting off our own fireworks tonight at Nichole's place.  I haven't done that in YEARS, so while I'm not lighting them, I want to make sure to give others a hard time about it.  Just kidding!!!  (Kind of...lol.)

Since it is July, the Kelly family is gearing up to go OUT OF THE COUNTRY?!?!?!  I take them to the airport on Friday afternoon for them to leave for their Baltic Cruise.  I am terribly jealous, because I know they are going to have a PHENOMENAL TIME!!!!!!!  Plus, I've never been out of the country, nor on a cruise ship, and they get to do both!  So, that's really exciting for Nichole and her family.  It'll be exciting to hear all of their stories when they return.  As they gear up to go cruisin', I am learning all I can about taking care of their pets.  They have two dogs (easy!!!), two bunnies (which are ADORABLE), and two birds (which seem easy, but still are a bit scary).  Today, I got out the bunnies to love on them a while while Nichole was at work.  They are so cute and totally worth the coated clothes!!!  Okay, legitimately, my clothes are COVERED in bunny fur.  I changed completely afterwards.  As I'm getting to know the bunnies and being able to get them out by myself, I'm feeling more comfortable with taking care of them.  I don't want their animals to be cooped up in a cage for two weeks, so being able to get them out and back in without any huge obstacles is comforting!!!  And while Ashes likes to cuddle, Emily is active and fun to play with.  She is slowly growing on me!  :)  As for the birds, I'm learning.  They are seeming easier to handle than what I first imagined.  Ruby, the African Grey, doesn't really care for me, but I'm learning tricks for how to deal with her. I learned how to feed Freckles, the cockatiel, last night.  He isn't too bad, and while he enjoys flying, he was hurt last week in a flying adventure so in recovering for that, he is not flying much.  His wings were clipped.  So, while he may not like me very much, at least I don't have to chase him around too much! Haha.  The dogs, Bailey and Clyde, are easy to take care of.  They like their food wet, which is gross, but whatever?!  Lol.  They are the most laid back, well-behaved dogs I have EVER encountered!!!  They listen to me better than my own dog, Jax, listens to me!!!  So, needless to say, I'm learning how to take care of their most precious family additions.  

I'm much better today than I was yesterday.  I really don't like this new med that I started last week.  It makes me extremely tired and groggy.  I sleep 10+ hours a night, which I really can't afford to get into the habit of.  No issue of insomnia there!!!  My body hurts still, but what's new?!  I am doing better in the long run, but I still seem to be in more pain than I should be in.  After a talk with my best friend last night, I think it would probably be best to try a different course in meds or something!  The physical therapy is helping, but outside of the sessions, I'm not doing the greatest at keeping up with it.  The exercises are not as simple as they seem and I fear I am doing them wrong when I do them.  BUT, it is nice to walk out of a PT session with pain levels as low as 1!  Hopefully, my rheumatologist can figure out why my rheumatoid factor is high and why I still have tons of joint pain even though I'm on a medicine used to treat rheumatoid arthritis.  I should see some sort of difference two months into the med, right???  Anyway, I think as my life gets put back in order and I catch up on my finances, the lowered stress will be able to lower my pain levels a bit too.  Perhaps not to a zero, but at least some.  

Okay, I'm getting bored of talking about my health, so on to something else?!

Oh, I was able to visit some family from England yesterday.  That was fun!  Exhausting, but good!  I am still struggling to figure out some things regarding my more immediate family, but that's not for the blogging world to see.  Sorry!  But, prayers are appreciated as I discern what to do and how to go about doing it!  Thanks!

Anything else you want to know, you can always comment or email me!  Beyond that, I'm done.