Existence Downtown!

Today, I experienced my first Art Walk. Yes, I went downtown. I haven’t been downtown in FOREVER! (Not even joking!) Well, let’s just say it was really interesting. No, not the art! Haha. I’ll tell ya a bit about my night…

First off, the group that I seemed to have traveled with most of the night was BIG! At one point in time, we were keeping track of 12 people! That’s crazy hard downtown on a Friday Night Art Walk! Most of the people, I could barely remember their names. I knew my roommate and one of her friends from home. The rest, I met as we walked along finding them, or attempting to find them!

I met a Chinese student, who quickly grew on me. We kept running into each other, so at one point in time, we just locked arms together. It kept us from running into each other, so it was definitely effective. Yes, it generally isn’t accepted in our culture, but it’s something that the people do in China. I like it! Haha. It seems to remind me of best friends holding hands. A sense of unity is built. A sense of community is found. She was definitely thrilled to be downtown, and was EXCITED for all of the culture she had been thrown into tonight.

Speaking of culture…I would definitely say that my favorite part was the woman hula-hooping with a lighted hula-hoop that was on FIRE! :) It was pretty amazing. I love art. But, I didn’t seem to be interested in looking at much of it tonight! I was intrigued by the conversations (whether in English or Chinese or Spanish) going on around me.

I LOVE the downtown feel. I may not feel like I fit in, but I certainly loved the freedom that people have found on the streets. Whether it is body art, playing with fire, ceramics, or painting, I love seeing each unique person for who they are. Downtown definitely seems to be the place that you can be “you.”

There’s a couple more things that I want to touch on about tonight, but they are definitely interrelated, so I’m just gonna see where this leads me……

The “Sign People” were there tonight. These people call themselves Christians, though I don’t know what “branch” or denomination they are from. They had long beards, and dressed VERY modestly. In fact, they dressed as such that women were REQUIRED to cover their heads (as well as nearly every other part of their body). Now, I am generally okay with people being radical, but they held signs that said “The party ends in Hell.” “Fortification is a sin.” “Women should be meek, quiet, and covered.” “Women should be seen and not heard.” Etc. I find it frustrating to witness when the people downtown see this example of Christianity and this group of people’s perception of it. I’m not saying that I agree or disagree with these sign people, but what they are doing is not effective. In fact, it seemed to have been so ineffective that there appeared a “Battle of the Signs” because a group created signs with “Why such sad and serious faces?” written on them, and ACTUAL Scripture written on them. I don’t know how much good they did though.

I, of course, had my head covered. I couldn’t help but shake my head at these “Sign People.” I wanted to talk to them. I wanted to know why they felt that way. I wanted to know why they chose to “witness” in that way. I wanted to know if they thought that they were doing what God wants. And most of all, I wanted to talk to them about why I cover, and why they didn’t allow women to have a voice. I don’t know…Being with a group, I couldn’t leave to debate with these people, though I’m still curious if they would have listened to me because I am a woman!?

Like I just said, I had my head covered. It was my first time downtown with my cover on my head. At first, it was VERY awkward. I constantly felt judged. I may have had my cross around my neck, but that doesn’t seem to matter to people who are already drinking! I did not feel like I fit in with being downtown. At one point in time, I wanted to take it off because the hurtful glances and stares were frustrating me. After a quick prayer, the glances got fewer and farther apart. I still wonder every day when or if God will ever call me to take off my cover. I wonder how He will do it, when He will, why He will, etc. I don’t know. Maybe He’ll never ask. Guess I won’t know the above things until He actually asks! Haha…

Anyhow, I’m out…(Who knows when this will actually be posted since my internet only works half of the time!? Hopefully soon!)

OH MY GOODNESS: Day 47 Update!!!

Today was interesting. Actually, it still is interesting! VERY interesting. I was going to attempt to wear my "hijab" style out today...Merely going to Walmart. Seems simple, right?! No. On the way there, I freaked out about it. And, it eventually turned into taking the head cover ALL THE WAY OFF!!! I had brought a normal scarf to wrap if I couldn't wear the hijab out, but I choose to NOT wear my cover inside to Walmart. Let me just say...BAD DECISION!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps you will recognize the feeling of "I know that I'm doing something wrong, but I'm gonna try it anyway" from when you were a kid. Well, I had one of those feelings today as I walked through Walmart with my head COMPLETELY uncovered!!! Let me reiterate: BAD BAD BAD BAAADDDD decision. People seemed to be staring at me. I must have been walking quickly since I almost took out a kid or two along the way. And the ladies who seemed to take FOREVER getting their milk made me CRAZY! By the time I had rushed my way to wait impatiently in line, I must have looked horrible. I'm sure it was just a pleasantry, but the cashier asked me..."Are you doing okay today?" Not a "How are you?" The previous question seems a bit more severe. I wonder if there was some ridonkulous look on my face. Or if it was merely a nudge from God. But, God certainly slapped me in the face with this Walmart Run. And IMMEDIATELY I started thinking...OH MY GOODNESS! What have I done!?

Not only did I feel like a rebellious kid, I also felt like I had disappointed God. I had started feeling like I was in control of this whole head covering thing and that "I" could CHOOSE when to wear my cover and when I could take it off. I guess my Walmart run was MORE than a gentle reminder of Who is truly in control.

I obviously realize that I am supposed to be wearing my head covering at this time in my life. I don't know if I will ever take it off. But, I do know that if I ever take it off again, it won't be because I'm planning my strategies of how not to wear my cover! IF I EVER EVER EVER TAKE OFF MY COVER, IT WILL BE BECAUSE GOD HAS ALLOWED ME TO.

Real quick: Here's a couple more benefits I realized from this experience, besides obeying My God...When I put my cover on, it reminds me to slow down. I start to realize people. Real faces. Not just some old lady shopping at Walmart. It keeps the Mission of Christ real in my life. Also, I realize how easily women are disrespected in this society. With my cover being on, for the previous 46 days, I have been respected as a woman. With it off, people didn't make a point to show respect. Now, I don't cover for me. I cover for God. But, these are certainly benefits that I will no longer take for granted with covering.

That's all for now! I gotta go to church! SEE YA!

Day 46: UPDATE!

Hi Everyone!

So, I just wanted to give an update about everything that's going on in my life right now. This will probably end up being a ramble about head covering and divorce. Haha...

SO...It's been more than 45 days of head covering! I counted that this is day 46 of head covering. I still can't believe that it's been that long. THOUGH, some days, it seems like I've been covering all my life. I wonder how many times I will get asked the same questions over and over again! Why do you cover? But you're a Christian! Do you take everything in the Bible literally? Why would you cover such beautiful hair? Etc. Can't people be more creative in constructing their questions?! Granted, I did get one question a few weeks ago that I was really impressed by! It was regarding the pastoral ministry and covering my head. If I remember, I'll post it following this one!

Other than the bad questions, I have been feeling a nudge from God to try wearing my scarf "hijab" style, which seems to be accepted as the "Muslim look." I am still not sure on this one. I think the style is EXTREMELY comfortable. It doesn't push back my ears quite as tight as the bun style. I wrapped my head as such earlier today (and I have it as such again), but I couldn't bring myself to going out with it on. I don't think it really matters how I cover my head, as much as that I DO cover my head (in accordance with what God's will is for my life). I also think that I am afraid of rejection. I want people to like me. So, it's getting harder and harder to branch out and be different because the differences seem to be creating a separation between me and the world. God did say that we are to be "in" the world, but not "of" the world, so it really shouldn't be a problem. BUT, there is still that idea that people will not support me if I begin "to look like a Muslim." EVEN WORSE...I'm most afraid to wear it like a hijab around "church people." Sometime, I'll explain it...But long story short is that outsiders (non-Christians) are more OPEN-MINDED than some Christians are. Sad story, right?! Gotta love one denomination's view of their church...Open Hearts, Open Minds, Open Doors. LOVE IT! :)

Anyhow, other than head covering...My parents divorce is either finalized or dismissed on Thursday (not tomorrow...Sept 30). SO, prayers that it all goes well and it is finalized with a "fair" settlement. Hopefully, my sibs and I will all adjust quickly and smoothly!

Another prayer request for my cousin Melissa who had surgery today and is having a few complications with the recovery process (high blood pressure). Surgery went well though, so a praise there!

Alright...I think that's enough for now! Oh, and here's a shout out to my Besties Julie and Nichole! You ladies are awesome and you truly keep me going when things get rough. Thanks for always being there for me! AND...For loving me MORE!

I'm out! Thanks for reading!

Heartache and Healing...

So, I thought I would write to make sure everyone is up to speed about what's going on in my life right now...

I am still covering. It has been going pretty well. Yesterday, my church family saw me with my head cover on for the second week in a row. (I went home to preach last weekend, and I wore it.) I think most people just assumed that it was a fashion statement the first time, but it really shocked some people to see me with it on again! I had one woman come up to me in tears because she didn't understand why I was covering "such beautiful hair." Honestly, my heart broke, yet I was reminded of why I wear my head cover. It isn't because of vanity. I don't wear it for modesty...I wear it because of the Scripture and what God has specifically asked me to do in regards to that Scripture. It's been 37 days that I have worn my head covering full time (meaning while I am awake). During this time, I have been reminded constantly to pray (especially when people are so distraught with my decision that they stare for long, awkward amounts of time). I have learned not to make my covering another meaningless habit. I think a major part of it is making sure that I remind myself why I cover every morning when I get up. If I don't have my devotional time in the morning where I connect on a deep level with God and remind myself why I cover, the day goes much rougher than it should go! Looking forward to learning more about myself, others, and ultimately God through my head covering...

This past week was EXTREMELY hard on me. I really fell into a depressed mood with no motivation or passion for anything in this life, or for life itself. It caused a lot of heartache on me, and the persons pulling me through the storm! I REALLY appreciate my besties! :) It didn't help that I did a lot of questioning about what I believe and who God really is...And my favorite, HOW DOES THE TRINITY MAKE SENSE?!?! At one point in time, I was so frustrated with the fact that, sometimes, God is incomprehensible that I stopped looking to God for help to get me through everything. (Not a wise choice.) However, because a friend was struggling with many of the same issues, we were able to talk about life and our beliefs. Some of it, we were able to work out...but I think our main conclusion is Job 42...Sometimes, we don't always know what God is up to...BUT, we have to trust that He knows what's best and have a lil' faith (even as small amount as a mustard seed) to pull us through. And thus, the healing began...

The healing is still happening. The aches are still wearing off from this past week...but God is healing them through asking me to dig into His Word and stay on my knees in a regular prayer time. Through fellowship with other Christians and worship, I am able to stay connected, which is SOOO important!

Anyhow, I told myself not to make this too long...so if you've actually made it to here...THANKS for reading! :) So, that's all for now!

Loving God, Loving People...That's what it's all about! Realize there will be heartache and healing along the way...But God never leaves your side!

Random Thoughts Spilled Out

Regarding Head covering:
Thus far, it seems to be going well. Yes, I am covering again. I didn't even make it 48 hours without wearing it! I felt guilty, and I could barely make it out of the house without it on! God moved a few people to send a phone call or two my way to make me aware of their support even though they may not completely agree with my stance. So, that was really awesome!
I'm always amazed when people have seen me with my cover on for 5 or 6 times, and THEN they finally decide to ask about it. Honestly, I was expecting the questions to come the first or second times, certainly by the third time! Oh well! I still answer them and hope to gain support. (Remember, I'm not asking for permission to follow God's will for my life.) The stares on the school bus shuttle are indescribable! I'm not sure why people have a fascination with staring at me when I have only wrapped a scarf around my head! Usually the stares don't bother me, unless I forget to focus my attention on God before I leave for classes in the morning! (I know this from experience...) Again...it's only a scarf!
Speaking of which, I wear a rectangular scarf (usually with tassels on the ends). Generally I wear it in a bun on the back of my head after putting my hair in a bun. I think this is the easiest way for me to wear my cover and not cause people to freak out too much when they see me. For some reason, there are some bad feelings towards the Islam population on campus, and I don't want to get lumped in with that. SO, I wear my scarf and my cross every day! :) I dress modestly...I don't wear anything that comes higher than my knees. And I cover most of my upper arm. Sometimes, I wear T-Shirts because I am a college student and I feel like they are still covering the areas that need to be covered just out of modesty. Note that I make sure my clothes are modest because I believe it would look unusual to wear my headscarf and wear a short skirt and very low cut shirt! Just doesn't make sense. Haha! I also have a snood (thanks to a VERY good friend)...It hasn't really grown on me yet, but it's really comfortable, so I like to wear it at home when I'm not doing anything. Lol. Still trying to discern if God really wants me to cover my head through the night...Who knows?! But yeah, a snood is comfortable to sleep in. :)

Regarding sermon-writing:
It's been about two months since I wrote a sermon. I'm preaching back at home on Labor Day weekend. That's this Sunday! I've been going crazy trying to get everything done for school...and haven't had time to work on a sermon. I "kind of" know what i want to talk about, or what God is leading me to talk about, but I'm struggling to get it down on paper. This will be my first sermon written and given wearing my head covering. Honestly, I'm pretty nervous about it all! Especially with it being in my hometown. Ya know, Jesus was kicked out of His hometown...I'd rather not be kicked out, but whatever must happen will happen. I'd tell you my ideas of what it's going to be about, but some of you might actually be there on Sunday, so i won't spoil it...Lol. Who knows?! By then, I could have a completely different topic that God wants me to do! It's only Tuesday!

Anyhow, that's all I have for now...more like all i can say for now. Sorry for any and all typos...My hand is starting to go numb, so that's not helping! Thanks for reading! And have an awesome night!!!

In Christ,
Me

Stained

Read: Psalm 51

Grape juice. I honestly hate it right now. I was “carefully” removing the communion elements to get rid of them when IT happened. (In other words – I was going around getting people to eat the rest of the bread and juice since they were concentrated and I could not throw them away) THEN, someone called my name, and grape juice splashed all over my new green shirt and khaki pants. Let’s just say, I was NOT a happy person. The grape juice had spilt all over my left pants leg which were initially a light tan and made the juice had made my flip flop all sticky. Soon, my pants were sticking to my leg. (This happened early in the clean up procedure, so I had to live with it for AT LEAST another hour!) Meanwhile, my pants were slowly going through the process of being stained! I began to be concerned only with how my pants were doing. I was aggravated, frustrated, and all of those other words that deal with those emotions that are not pleasant!!!

You too may be stained. You may feel like something happened and it has ruined your life forever! Your thoughts and emotions may be controlled by this stain like mine were with my stained pants. You just can’t seem to shake it from your life. It may or may not have been your fault. (I certainly could blame whoever called my name!) And that hour of my life was probably the longest hour of clean-up that I have ever experienced!!! You may feel like your stain is going to be there forever!!!

Long story made short, my pants are stained. I did not get to them quickly with the right materials. However, your life with your stains doesn’t have to be like that for forever!!! If you allow Jesus to come into your life…FULLY…then He can wash your life to be free of sin. You don’t have to have those nasty stains anymore. All you have to do is accept His offer. Once you do, know that all of your stains are gone! He sincerely washes you white as snow in regards to your slate of sins! No more nasty grape juice on you!!!

This song tells all: Jesus Paid It All - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmuxxc00AHo

No Longer Choosing to Cover...

Dear W.W.W.,

I am no longer choosing to cover my head as a Christian woman. It isn't because I no longer agree with the practice. In fact, I learned a lot by covering my head and I see great value in it. I do support others who choose to cover their heads as Christians and I will support anyone who comes to me asking if they should cover their heads. I believe it is biblically based and the decision is between God and that person. I respect that decision.

The reason I am not covering at this time is because I do not have the support I need to persist. I don't have support from the people at home, nor do I have support from those here. I believe head covering is a beautiful way for a woman to express her love and respect for God. For now, I do not have the support to continue to cover my head on a daily basis. Hope you will respect my decision.

Love in Jesus Christ,

~Samantha