Contemplative Thinking

A lot of today, thus far, has been spent in a quiet room thinking about life.  I've thought about school, work, Methodism, Catholicism and the religious orders, Africa, friends, etc.  More and more, I'm beginning to think that I allow myself to be controlled by others.  It isn't in an abusive way or anything like that...It is much more subtle.  I allow other people's opinions and thoughts become my reality rather than creating a reality of my own.  They say that one's interpretations of the world become one's reality.  So, instead of taking in the world for myself, I allow others to create my world view.  In a way, this can be a good thing.  But when it comes to living my dreams or the dreams of others, that's when it gets messy!  

I love the dreams I have for myself.  The dream of becoming the best disciple I can be for Jesus Christ!!!  The dream of going to Africa and LIVING in Africa amongst the people. The dream of learning all I can and serving all I can!  I know these can be pretty abstract dreams, but in reality, they are very simplistic and concrete when broken down...

• I want to go through RCIA and become a Catholic.
• I want to join a class to study Scripture, or start one!
• I want to become an avid prayer warrior...someone that anyone can turn to when in need of prayer!
• I want to crochet a blanket...because I can!
• I want to get my health in order.
• I want to use music to touch people's hearts...to express God in an unspeakable way!
• I want to learn ASL and Swahili!
• I want to teach kids in Africa to know and love Jesus and about the world they live in.
• I want to publish a book...just for fun! :)
• I want to live simply...so no big house or lots of stuff!
• I want to love like Jesus loved and live like Jesus did with no regrets!

I think we make life too small.  I know people always say that life is too short.  But, we make life small.  We don't ever dream!  Dreams really can come true.  Dreams don't have to be something that we hold in our hearts and never act upon.  Sure, there are limits to what is physically possible...like, you may never be able to learn how to fly (unless you're okay with an airplane or parachute).  Let's not limit God.  Let's dream the impossible because God doesn't seem like the kind of Being that would be okay with just getting through life.  Each one of us can be something great because that's what we were meant to be!!!  It's how we were created!!!!  :-)  So.....

DREAM BIG!!!!!

Sprinkler Sunday

Today was definitely one of the best days I have had in a LONG time!  This morning, I lazily got ready for Mass.  Of course, that was after spending a few hours in the ER the night before for a migraine that had been going on for 5 days...talk about torture!!!  Well, after giving me ten billion drugs (okay, four), including an amazingly strange one, it was dead!  Wahoo!  They also wrote me a prescription for fioricet which is a migraine med since my current one is not effective any longer.  ANYHOW, after that fun last night, it was nice to wake up with relatively little pain.  Fibro was working a bit, but other than that...I slept pretty well and was stiff this morning!  I even had a bit of energy for the crazy day ahead.

After Mass, which I loved, of course, we (Nichole and I) went to a baptism for someone at Faith UMC.  HOWEVER, the immersion pool was not filled with water.  Since water seems to be a big part of baptisms, they rescheduled it for Father's day weekend!  Hopefully there will be water this time!!!  :)

Next, we went home for a quick lunch (leftover tacos) and headed to Nichole's 3rd and final infusion for her migraine headaches.  Of course, not before packing ICE CREAM to take with us!  Probably the greatest thing ever!!!  We took ice cream topped with strawberries and caramel! Mmmm.  It was fantastic!!!  Best idea ever!

After the infusion, which seemed to take forever since Nichole fell asleep, we grabbed some paperwork from Nichole's place of employment and filled my fioricet prescription since I had a pre-migraine headache.  Blah!  BUT, the meds kicked it out of the way pretty quickly!  :)

THEN...We went to Becky, Jason, and Jovie's place for a BBQ!  Not only was the food great, but also the entertainment of each other.  Due to a lil' girl, I got to play in the sprinkler!  Now, while I didn't have a swimsuit on, I was pretty much forced to run through it.  Haha.  I was triple-dog dared to run through it...so I had to.  Once I did it the first time, of course I had to do it more than once!!!  So, I had to do it again and again.  Then I was done and refused.  But not long after that was I cutting up brisket for her to eat, playing with Barbies, and reading a story with her.  Needless to say, I had an awesome time.  Pics are on FB...I'm not loading 'em on here too.  Lol.  BUT, probably one of the best days I've had.  I'm sore and in pain...but I'm glad I didn't let that keep me away from having a good time and laughing with the adults as well as with the lil chillin'!  Reminds me how much fun I have with kids and the energy, they not only steal from you, but also give you!  I don't think I've stopped smiling since I left their place.  I just wish I had that kind of energy all the time!  GREAT time.  Glad I accepted the invitation!  :)

So, I had a great Sprinkler Sunday!!!  :)

Retreat

After giving Nichole a hard time about never closing the door of my bedroom, I must admit that I'm quite tired of hearing the weather reports over and over and over and over.......(*gets up to shut the door*)

Today, there has been quite a bit of bad storm weather in my part of the state!  Tornadoes have been showing their ugly rotation everywhere!  Communities have been pulling together to make things work out as best as they can.  So, when the storm got a lil' too ugly, I packed up my stuff and went down to the basement.  It was cool down in the basement, but once I got cuddled into a blanket, I was not far from falling asleep.  When I first got settled in, I decided to use the time as a break away from the computer.  I chose to pray the rosary for the storm, safety for family and friends, the victims, and how God might choose to work through the storms.  I found an incredible peace calm the storm within me.  I was reminded that I am not in control, but that God is fully in control.  I was reminded that it isn't about the decorations on the walls or the complexity of the shelving in my room, but that it is all about God and His grace to allow me to have a roof over my head.  I was reminded that my relationship with God isn't about everyone else, but about me and God.  (It seems funny, but it can get that way sometimes.)  It's nice to know that I am not in control and that I am not the one who has to make all the decisions.  My indecisiveness appreciates that.  But, that God is in control even when I feel things are out of control.

This storm was a chance for me to retreat from the world and figure out life, while the rain and wind went on and on today.  I was able to focus on what I need to do to perfect myself in order to become more holy like God (Mt. 5:48) and to focus on what I need to do to prepare myself for Africa (Mk 10:21).

M&Ms....

Recently, I was put on a muscle relaxer.  The muscle relaxer does pretty well, but the pill is powdery and has a HORRIBLE taste.  It actually makes me sick to my stomach if I take it and do not eat something or drink something to get rid of the taste.  Usually, I keep M&Ms around to help with that!  They have kind of been my constant companion since my best friend told me that they were gluten-free!  :)  I also eat them for comfort, which isn't the greatest, but they make me a lil' happier when I'm down in the dump!  

There's a lot that I try to do to make me feel better.  I think it is interesting how each person, especially those with chronic pain, has those things that help them make it through the day.  I must say that my number one comfort is praying, or even just holding, my rosary.  I love to clench the cross, even though my hand is all red after doing so.  I do like eating them M&Ms.  Watching Netflix is top on my list too.  Anything that requires little effort but takes the concentration off of the pain helps.  Crocheting is fun to do because of how relaxing it is and then there is the enjoyment of finishing a project.  I have never made anything for myself other than a couple scarves when I was first starting, so I'm really excited about this blanket I am making! :)  Obviously, I like writing blogs to get out emotion and thoughts.  I also like to research Africa and different missionary programs or trying to learn the language - Swahili.  OR, learning more about Catholic beliefs...but I have to be half-way decently alive for that to happen.  :)  Right now, I'm watching my best friend play Tap Tap on my iPhone...on the hard level.  I am not coordinated enough for that...so I would get very frustrated very easily by doing that.  

Anyhow, that's kinda my thoughts on things that try to make me feel better on bad days even with the whole muscle relaxer thing.  They help me keep going in this life that isn't so fantastic sometimes.  Mmmm...M&Ms! (*reaching for bag of M&Ms regularly kept next to the bed*)

PS...I want a job so I can get a bunny.  :)  Lol.  

A Child's Guidebook

A lot has happened since I last wrote.  But...I'll catch everything up as time goes on.  Today, my brother, Andrew, graduated from high school.  He made me proud.  The hours sitting at the kitchen table trying to teach him chemistry and proofreading paper after paper.  Trying to back him up when kids at school would make fun of him.  He was my lil' brother!  And I love him to this day!  I'm proud that he proved every teacher wrong that has ever told him that he would never graduate...and every kid that made fun of him for wearing glasses or saying "grill" instead of "girl."  Silly lisp.  But, none the less, he did it.  And I must say that the time away from his big sister's eyes did him well.  :)  Sitting in the HOTTER THAN HELL gym made it completely worth it.

And now to the "fun" part???  After the graduation, I went and picked up my best friend Nichole from the house.  THEN...We went out to the house that I grew up in, Mom's place, for a get-together with the family.  Upon approaching the house, I could tell it was causing her anxiety.  It had been a strife to get her to even come with me, but she came because she loves me "always and forever."  ;)  By the time we arrived, she was in an anxiety attack and had to take her xanax (anti-anxiety med) to calm her.  This was not a good sign.  When we entered the house, my brother made a rude comment that almost made her walk out right then and there!!!  RIDICULOUS!!!  No one even rebuked it though my mom was sitting right there.  NOW, I already know that my mom does not like Nichole whatsoever, but she knew and approved permission for her to come.  Furthermore, knowing that she was coming and her gluten-free-ness, mom had NOTHING that my best friend could eat...except watermelon.  Of course, she didn't even ask if Nichole wanted anything to eat or drink.  She showed absolutely no hospitality and it hurt me to see that.  BUT, more than that...this isn't the first time........

I am completely and utterly accepted in every way in Nichole's family.  I am accepted for who I am.  Even my gluten-free-ness is fine with them.  They are willing to cater to my needs and pay for my meals even at rather expensive restaurants.  They are willing to do anything to make me feel at home.  I can enter their house without knocking and I'm even getting a key soon!!!!!!!! How exciting!!!  I am welcome to do just about anything at that house and I'm welcome at family gatherings.  Invites are sent to their house hold with the intent that I'll just tag along.  It's always a good time and I am never disrespected in any way.........

SOOOOOO....When my best friend is treated like crap by my family, it hurts.  It hurts more than you would think.  To hear that your best friend won't come to any family gathering or even your dance recital because she doesn't feel welcome with your family???  It sucks.  It makes me feel like I've failed.  It makes me feel like I am not good enough.  It makes me feel like I have the worst family out there because they can't even accept a friend of mine.  They can't accept her as part of the family and as a huge part of my life.  Sure, we haven't grown up together, but, by golly, I know her well enough that we could have!  I just wish that my family would see her and respect her as a human.  I know her needs are hard to cater to if you aren't thrilled about doing it, but the least you can do is try to offer something that she can eat or ask beforehand.  It makes me crazy that she is essentially out of that part of my life because it causes her so much anxiety.  It makes me crazy that my family behaves as it does....especially my mother.

The Methodist Church in town has something on their sign out front that says:  "A child's guidebook is a parent's life."

TELL ME how I'm supposed to live my life according to what my parents have done.  At least my dad shows hospitality and accepts Nichole as a daughter.  Sure, he is still struggling to provide for the gluten-free thing, but he accepts that as what she must do and he doesn't like how much I look up to her and the influence that she has on my life, but you can't tell me that it isn't normal for a father to do.  He still loves her as his own.  BUT, then I have a parent who shows no hospitality, no respect, no nothing!  I have a parent that seems to run after whatever makes her happy without any acknowledgment of who is hurt along the way.  It is worse than an animal!!!  At least they care for their flock!  Anyhow, I feel like my guidebook is contradictory to the Bible and the way that God would have me to live.  I don't want to be like the family Nichole encountered today.  I want to be like Christ in every way I can.  I want to take after my dad's willingness to let another dear friend into the family and his hospitality that far surpasses anything my other family members would do.  I feel lost if I follow the guidebook that my parents' lives have written because they are still being written and they are still learning.  I'm glad to see Dad following God whole-heartedly, I just wish I would see more of that from Mom and that crew.

I am still really upset that Nichole has been hurt by my family in such an exponential way.  I wish I could make up for it in some way, but I know I really can't apologize for them.  I wish I could take away the anxiety that is felt towards my family.  I wish I could let her see all the good in my family, because deep down, I know it's there.  BUT, I can't.  The bad seems to outweigh the good in the situation.  I can't believe my best friend can't stand to be around my family.  I can't believe my family was so disrespectful today and on other occasions.  I can't believe the guidebook that has been set for me.............

Nichole - I love you and I appreciate you.  I hope you can hang in there with my crazy family.  I told ya they would be quite the ride getting into this...lol.  Thanks for all you've done and all you will do for me.  Thanks for putting up with me in any and all moods.  And thanks for being the bestie I always dreamed of having but never had until you.  Always and forever.........345!

For My Birthday...

Hello to those whom I love and who love me!

I'm putting out my birthday list now...mainly because I know that there will be some random lady out shoppin' at garage sales this weekend that will contemplate buying me something...BUT...

I don't want ANY thing for my Birthday (which is on June 6th). 

Instead, I am asking everyone to donate to the Endometriosis Association. 

Over the past year or so I have become EXTREMELY passionate for this association.  I was introduced to endometriosis through my best friend Nichole last year.  When she first mentioned it, I had absolutely no idea what endo (short for endometriosis) is.  After learning how to spell it, I looked it up.  The disease HORRIFIED me.  I had no idea how anyone could live with such a sucky disease, yet here was my best friend living her life wearing a smile. 

In terms that I like to portray it, it is like having menstrual blood on the outside of your uterus and other organs.  At that time of the month, it liquefies just like the blood on the inside of the uterus, only it can't get out of the body which causes immense pain in the pelvic area.  It causes cysts to form on your ovaries and causes adhesion which pull around your organs and cause more damage.  It causes women all over the world to be in pain day-in and day-out.  It causes women to deal with the struggles of infertility after already painful sex.  There is depression that comes with having a disease to which there is no specific cause.  BUT...these women press on and do their work and care for their families as best as they can.  WORST of all this:  There is no found cure.  This disease is chronic.  It affects more women than you can imagine. "Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease that affects at least 6.3 million women and girls in the U.S., 1 million in Canada, and millions more worldwide." (Endometriosis Association)  

Now, I'm not trying to persuade you all to donate to this association, but I'm trying to convince you that it is a worthy cause.  If nothing else, now you know a cause that I'm passionate about and a little bit about endo!  Here is the link to the Endometriosis Association's site:  http://www.endometriosisassn.org/  

This association is all about education as well as promoting research.  Endo seems to be such a tabboo topic, but while we dance around the topic, MILLIONS of women are suffering!  So, let's end the "we can't talk about it" and make something happen to end it so we WON'T have to talk about it.  

Honestly, it is all I want for my birthday.  I don't want more things that I'll have to mess with selling when I head to Africa.  I just want you to make a donation to the endometriosis association...not while thinking about me, but while thinking about the women who suffer from the disease and the step you are taking to end that suffering!  Whether it's a dollar or a thousand, every penny counts.  

ALSO...Let me know if you made the donation online!  I want to thank you for doing so and rejoice with Nichole as more education and research will be done because of you!  If you don't want to do it online, give me the money or check and I will personally make sure it gets to the organization!  

I'm super excited!  PLEASE do this!  Do it for the women out there, like my best friend, who are suffering every day behind a mask!  Thank you!!!!!!!!!

Love in Christ,

~Samantha

Face of Africa

 

Just a reminder of where I'm headed.

Aaaffffrrrrrrriiiiiiiiccccccccaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!