Characterizing Characters

So, in my short story class last week, we had to write about a character or two in direct characterization. I wasn't really sure what to do, so I kind of went off on a tangent and put them in a different setting. The exercise was to watch someone and write about them as a character. I sat in the student union. The characters sort of evolved from actual people, but each has their own unique twist. Thought blogging world would find it a bit interesting. We shall see if these characters end up in my story. :)

Characterization Exercise

Hunched over like an old woman, she worked the yarn. Her hands moved in a continuous stream never stopping except to pull yarn from her skein. Her dark brown eyes never left her work. Brown bangs fell across the side of her long, pale face. Clearly, she did not belong here. Near her large bag of yarn was a pair of purple high heels. What was she doing here? She was not bleeding and nothing looked broken. And why would anyone wear a sleeveless, short red dress to the Emergency Room. Yet, this was her life.

She wondered if he was staring. His wrist must be in great pain as his long fingers gripped an ice pack covered in blood. His cap nearly hid his black, shaggy hair. His wire-frame glasses did not provide much protection from the sight of a tear sliding down his acne-filled face. She wished everyone could see her pain like that. Then, perhaps, the doctors would take her for more than a drug-seeking addict. Perhaps her pain would finally be seen as real. It was definitely real to her.

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© Copyright 2011, Samantha Fomera

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My Journal

I feel the need to update the blogging world again. I'm not sure if any of you actually realize how much of a journal this is for me, but you will certainly see it in my post today. Sorry.

So I'm beginning to wonder if anyone honestly believes what I am going through with my health is more than just "my sadness." It's getting to be more frustrating as the weeks go on. I completely agree that stress and vitamin D deficiencies affect one's body, but I'm just not sure anymore. I'd be more than happy if it is only my vitamin D levels that is causing all the pain, but it seems like 4 weeks into my vitamin therapy that there should be some sort of change. I know that it isn't realistic for a 19 year-old to keep having all these body aches and pains. But, my reaction to that is...WHEN HAVE I EVER ACTUALLY BEEN MY AGE?!?!?! So, I guess we will see. It's just starting to wear me down. I love supporting others, though. It's kind of what I do! :)

Speaking of what I do. :) I'm starting to wonder if I know what I'm supposed to do with my life. I still sort of feel a call to ministry. Like ordained ministry. But more and more often, I wonder if God might have been crazy calling me...or if I just created my own call since I was little. I've always wanted to be a pastor, so I'm not really sure if it's what I want to do, or if God planted that passion, or what?! I really don't know anymore. I am hoping to figure out what is going on regarding schools. I am really considering getting a teaching degree. This would allow me to teach English. I am afraid to stray away from the path that I am on though because I don't want to be in school for forever. I want to move on with my life. Get to go where I am supposed to be going.

As for the friend life...I am not really sure what's going on. I thought I had two best friends. While my two besties really seem like their friendship is going well, mine is failing. It's really hard thinking about losing a friendship that has really been there for me the past three years!!! But, I am really having issues because I am tired of trying to save the friendship if it isn't meant to be. I am done. I am done trying. :(

Ummm....Let's see if I can end on a positive note. Lol. I'm now on the 6th season of Stargate SG-1, my new addiction. I have crocheted almost 2 entire prayer shawls this week and a scarf. AND...I'm really excited about serving on the Chrysalis weekend that is 12 days from now!!!

Alright...that's all I got! Thanks for reading!

OH...My parents divorce was finally finalized after 13 LONG months. Time for the healing to begin!!! Like...for real!!! :)

Lost AND Found

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. After being diagnosed with depression, I began to think about the things that I put my time and energy into and started to wonder if I was truly devoting it to the right things.

This week, in my religion class, we talked once again about how religion is defined. I have become quite fond of Paul Tillich's definition. Religion is one's ultimate concern, or what one considers sacred. Religion is what guides one's decisions and actions. Within Tillich's definition, this allows many things to become one's ultimate concern. Sex, money, physical well-being, school, Allah, God can ALL be one's religion. Judaism is only a way to describe a group of people who have God as their ultimate concern, and thus follow a set of guidelines in regards to what they believe. It's like that with every established religion! BUT, if one's ultimate concern is school, then one puts their time and energy into school work and becoming their best at it. It goes further than that though. Within each religion, there is always a goal of some sort. And to get to that goal (whether it is perfection or to get some sort of promise), sometimes sacrifices are made. So going back to school as the ultimate concern...The person works incredibly hard at school, sometimes giving up "fun" activities to study, in order that he/she may graduate and get a good job, etc. So, in essence...ANYTHING can be one's ultimate concern. So you might be asking, what is my ultimate concern?

I asked the same of myself. For a while, I gotta admit that it wasn't what I truly wanted it to be. I want to have this great ultimate concern of Jesus. I want to be like Him. I want to live for Him. I want to immerse myself in all that He says. I want to talk to Him constantly and have an amazing real relationship with Him. I want to love Him. I want to devote my time and energy towards Jesus. But, that's of course what I want. That's not what I've had.

Instead, I've had a crappy relationship with Jesus for the past few months. And my ultimate concern has been the present moment. Finding pleasure in the now as best I can. To an extent, I think that is because I have been in pain, and I just want the pain to go away for a moment so that I can have the life back that I had before. (Unfortunately, I don't think that's going to happen...But, whatever.) I think this life of just pleasing myself for the now is not in any way fulfilling! And honestly, I think it just caused me to spin further and further into a pit of darkness and isolation.

I'm not going to be able to get out of that pit easily. It doesn't come naturally to me. But, I know that if I can aim all that I do towards my ultimate concern (the good one) then I will be happier. Because of the promises that Jesus holds, because of the mystery in itself, because of what HE did for me, He deserves to be my ultimate concern. If we break down the word religion, it is translated as "connect again." I suppose that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm reconnecting with my God. I'm reconnecting with what makes me "me!" I'm reconnecting with my Creator and my Teacher. My Father. My Bestest Bestie EVER! It's not easy, but it sure is fun!

As humans, we get into this routine. And if this routine is broken, it seems like chaos emerges all too quickly! We like predictability. We like knowing what is next...And honestly, most of us hate waiting to get there. We also dislike chaos. I suppose I could even say that we HATE chaos. But, I'm slowly learning that with Jesus, I HAVE NO FLIPPIN' CLUE WHAT'S NEXT! All I know is that He will be with me the entire time. He will be watching my steps and making sure that no harm can come to me that I cannot get through with Him. For if my God is for me, who can be against me?! (loose paraphrase of Rom 8:39) I know that I am safe in the long run, but for now, I will take risks. Jesus did it! I hope I am able to withstand judgment from others. But, I'm not gonna wait around until my deathbed to think about what I want to do in this life. I've created my list of things I want to do before I die...and I've checked them over to make sure that they can be used to glorify God. He wouldn't put these things in my heart as a passion, unless they were to be used. So, here it goes! (Sorry folks, I'm not sharing the list yet!) I'm gonna get through it. I'm not going to let this distraction that I've had in my way get me down any longer! I've lost much time as it is. But, I'm glad to be back. Back home in my Daddy's arms. It's a wonderful feeling to know that I'm love EVEN THOUGH I've screwed up WAY TOO MANY TIMES!!!

I am loved.

I am found.

Renewed Existence

Hello! Surprisingly, you've found this blog site OR you are one of the few people who actually read this when you realize that I posted something. So, know that this is merely going to be a rant about life in general (and some specifics) of the past few weeks. Lol.

First, in case you haven't seen me in quite some time, I am no longer covering my head. This is between God and I...So, I really don't know why He has asked me to uncover, but I leave it to Him to tell me if need be. :)

Also, I've been having some health issues...I was truly feeling like I was an old lady. I was achy and didn't feel like doing much of anything (mainly because it hurt to do anything). Had one doctor tell me that it was because of tension caused by my headaches caused by depression. While he is treating me as such, I don't believe him...mainly because nothing has changed. And so I went to a different doctor, who ran blood tests...Determined my Vitamin D level was extremely deficient. I've been on vitamin D supplements for about a week now...It's only gotten a little better, and I think that's only because my dosage of a muscle relaxer has increased. Hoping the second dose of vitamin D (on Tuesday) will help again. Although, the high dose of vitamin D makes me sick after taking it. SO....I don't know. We'll see. Had some drama that came with all the health issues...But, here is not the place for that.... :) As for the migraines...Only had one since I was put on new meds. Lol...Making progress since it's been two weeks!!! :)

Other things to ramble about...Oh...I have two of the most AMAZING people in the entire world who have stuck with me through this craziness. I call them my besties. :) They make my life so much better...Can't imagine doing life without 'em!

I am still working on getting my stuff together to begin the candidacy process to become a pastor...Actually, I'm not working on it. It's pretty stagnate. I haven't done much for the last couple months. Guess it's time to get back on it. Lol.

School is ridiculous right now. EVEN THOUGH it's only been a week. Lol. Guess I'm still trying to get in the hang of being away from my hometown after being home for such a long Christmas break. It doesn't help that I've had a long weekend this weekend, SO I only have classes two days this week. :)

Ummm....I can't think of anything else to rant about right now...so there. That's your update.....

OH WAIT...Haha....So the title is regarding the renewal that I've had the last few days. Five days ago, I went through my Facebook page and deleted a lot of junk that people (who don't really know me, or even those who kinda know me or know me and don't care) don't need to know. So, anything regarding my health was deleted. Determined that FB isn't going to be the place that I vent that. And, I don't know if I will even write it on here. I've decided that it only fuels negative energy for me, and most people really don't care....So, those who do care can talk to me in person! :) But, again...renewal. I'm really bad about rambling today...sorry. God and I have kind of been in a stand-off...like, for the last year or so. Yes, I've done a lot of growing, but it definitely wasn't because I wanted to. It was kind of ridiculous. But a few conversations with a couple friends really caused me to move past all my stubbornness and apathy....so, it's a work in progress. You may actually get updated on that stuff. Lol. Anyhow....I'm done now. Yup.

Adios! :) Thanks for reading! Comment away if you'd like!

PS...I have a random fear of being left alone in random places without a GPS. Now, what does that tell you about today's addiction to technology?!

Alone and Inadequate

I know that I usually write pretty upbeat stuff on my blogs. However, this one is not going to be that way...so, don't read it unless you care to hear about the crap in my life.

Today was a difficult day. It started out rough and it will end rough too. I upset at least three people over the course of the day (myself included). The first was one of my best friends. It was over something incredibly stupid. And it resulted in me going to a doctor today, rather than on Thursday (like I'm still scheduled to do so). The doctor evaluated me mostly on what I said was wrong, rather than a physical check. How else are ya gonna check to see what's wrong with someone who complains of being 92 years old and has a headache that's lasted for 4 days?! Anyhow, for the body achy-ness, he gave me a muscle relaxer to take at night. Oh, and that's supposed to help the headache too. Glad I got my other prescription filled that I usually take for migraines. Found out I also have lost 9 pounds in the last 2.5 months or so...unintentionally. The doctor and I also talked about my depression. I don't know if you knew me (honestly, I don't know if anyone even reads this)...I don't know if you knew me before all this depression stuff hit. It's been pretty recent...like, this year. (as in 2010) Now that it's 2011, I figured I should get with the program. But, I used to be the most cheerful girl around. I could get anyone in a good mood and I was one of the best friends to have. I always had the words to say and always an ear to listen. I was able to make the most of every opportunity and able to lead in new and interesting ways. I enjoyed music and I enjoyed life itself! Notice...all of those were used in the past tense form. I'm not saying that I can't do those things anymore...but that it takes much more work and I don't generally enjoy life anymore. It's just something I go through. SO...Long story made short...I miss that life. And I want it back. So, I'm on an anti-depressant now. My first dose is in the morning. It's a minuscule amount right now, but will probably increase before the month is over. I'm not too excited about it. The doctor asked me if I thought depression was a sin. I OBVIOUSLY said no. But, I'm beginning to wonder how much of this depression was brought on by myself and my actions. I know that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. But...It's not like I've done much at all to get me out of my pit of death and doom! Oh, and I'm starting to doubt my ability to be a pastor. Talk about crazy?! I just don't think it's something I want to do anymore. And I'm not convinced that it's what God has called me to do. Though...I wouldn't know since I'm no where close to Him anymore...He just seems sooo distant. Now...I'm SURE that's my fault. Ya know, maybe I wouldn't be so depressed if I were closer to God. If God is supposed to bring me hope and joy, maybe that would kick out any and all depression. Maybe I'd have some sort of passion again. Right now, I think I'd take passion for ANYTHING in life. But, I don't know. I think I'm running myself into a rut now. Yeah, this post probably won't get posted. Anyhow...

I felt incredibly alone today. I hate doctor's appointments. They always make me feel that way. Sit in the waiting room alone. Sit in the doctors room alone. Talk to the doctor alone. Go home alone now knowing what your problem is...or that's the idea. THEN, not only did I have a doctors appt today, but I also saw NO ONE that I knew until I made it home to find dad in the back bedroom. I hardly talked to my besties today. Again, one was mad at me this morning/early afternoon, then she got tied up with my other bestie while they hung out all evening. I love that they hung out...but it was a rough day, and no one was there to talk. It's kinda hard to text and drive illegally at night. (Okay...yeah, this isn't gonna get posted.) And then, i felt incredibly left out. Maybe even jealous. How ridiculous is that?! My besties might actually be getting along and I'm jealous that they are liking each other. Yeah, I'm dumb. Anyhow...I just felt alone and inadequate today...like my body wasn't good enough and I wasn't positive enough for people to even want to be around me...I don't know if I'd even want to be around me. And then no one was able to talk me out of that stuff today. And then this whole depression thing with making me doubt my pastoring stuff. Which leaves me more lost right now than I need to be. And then, coming home...still in pain. with no one to talk to. I just feel sooo screwed up right now.

Hoping I have the spoons tomorrow to do what I need to do. Between playing the flute with a friend (maybe) and then lunch with a bestie and then a mtg to determine if I'm fit enough to be put in the pastoring process (maybe)...I'm gonna need lots of energy. Maybe for one day, I'll be positive and have some sort of direction of where I need to go with my life.

Anyhow...Okay, so besties are the only ones getting to read this, even though I talked about them in it...but whatever.

I am sorry ladies, that I haven't been myself lately. Or, rather...the self I've been, hasn't been nice to be around. I'm still trying to decide what I'm supposed to be doing in this world...so, I hope you're in with me for this ride. If not, whatever.

I'm scared. Stressed. Lonely. Inadequate for anything..whether it be pastoring or just being a friend. And in pain. (Go figure?!) Alright..Gotta take my muscle relaxer so maybe I'll sleep soon. Hope you enjoyed reading the novel. Love ya ladies...and Sorry if the truth behind the post upsets you. It's been a long, crazy day indeed. 




POST SCRIPT:  So, this is amazingly enough being posted after 4 months of sitting in my drafts folder.  It is certainly interesting to look back on and see how far we all have come and how different things are now.  So...hope you enjoyed it...lol.

Defines and Refines

Because of one's curiosity, I am sure some of you might be wondering why God has asked me to cover my head. The simple answer is that He calls for submission. In my last post, I talked about how God defines me and refines me. By covering my head, He has emphasized that I am in submission to Him and His will. He is the one who created me and He is the one who provides and sustains me. It is HIM who allows me to be forgiven and to live a life of free will. He is the one who allows me to spend eternity with Him! With that being said, YES...He deserves submissive behavior from me, a screwed up daughter of His who has been justified through Christ's death on the cross. Because of this simple concept of submitting to God, I believe that God specifically called me to cover my head.

For those of you who are searching for a more complicated answer...I believe that God wanted me to learn how to stand firm in Him by submitting to His will, even if it meant being different (or radical). Let's break it down!

God wanted me to learn how to stand firm in Him...By covering my head, I have been able to answer 50 jillion questions! I have been asked questions about things other than head covering too, because people see religious and get curious. Sure, I haven't always had the answers, but I have learned how to share what I know to be true. Before covering, I fully believe that I was ashamed to be a Christ follower. I didn't feel like I had it all right. And I certainly didn't know how to share God with others. I can't pin point what caused me to be so ashamed, but I know that whatever it was is gone now. There are times when I am saddened at the way Christianity is going, however, I am NOT ashamed of my Savior!!!!! (If you know me personally, you can ask what I think are possible causes of my "ashamed feelings." I will probably tell you pride or fear of the cost.) Covering has helped me not be so ashamed because I am doing something that is VERY MUCH an outward sign that I believe in SOMETHING! Thus, the questions came (and still come) regarding what I believe. Can I honestly share the Good News and what change has happened in my life if I am ashamed of the One who has changed me from the inside out???

...by submitting to His will. It's not easy getting up in the morning and covering something you honestly love. I didn't realize how addicted I was to my hair, until I began covering it. I hated covering my head the first couple weeks. Now that I've fully adjusted, it's not terrible...though I do miss my hair. I've learned that submission sometimes means doing something that I might not want to do. And that's okay. As much as Jesus was God and loved us, I wonder if He really wanted to submit as a human being and go through the death on the cross. Surely...SURELY I can do something as simple as cover my head in order to submit to Him. Submitting to His will has always been something that I've struggled with. There were times when I was covering that I simply disobeyed because I thought my way was better. Obviously, it wasn't. However, I couldn't see the big picture, and some days I had a green sky because my picture wasn't even facing the right direction. There were some days when He asked me to do something and I simply refused. I immediately was stopped dead in my tracks. I'm not sure if any of you have used a shock collar on your dog before to perhaps keep it from leaving the yard, etc. That's been my experience with head covering. I KNOW when I've messed up. I know when I've disobeyed. By covering, I've been able to submit to His will more fully because I know when I'm "leaving the yard." Again...it goes with the whole submission to God because He deserves it theme!

...even if it meant being different (or radical). Yeah, I'll admit. Covering my head is different. It's something that one might not see everyday. (Unless you are on a college campus with any Muslim women who might choose to cover their heads or a Catholic church where nuns wear a headdress...Or, around Amish or Jewish people often.) As a Christian, it isn't well known or forced to cover one's head. In the beginning, I really thought I was supposed to cover my head due to Scripture. I poured over the Bible and different commentaries. I spent HOURS in prayer about it for weeks before I began. I thought God was calling me to obedience of the Scripture in 1 Corinthians 11. However, along the way, I realized that I didn't want to be obeying a book (though I recognize its holiness)...I'd rather obey my GOD! Especially on such a controversial Scripture! So, I cover on a day-to-day basis with Him. As He guides me, I will cover. And I know that it may seem extreme. When people hear the word "radical," a lot of people assume this to mean something in regards to extremity and terrorists. However, if you look at the definition of "radical" that I gave when I first started covering, it said "of or from the root or roots; going to the foundation or source of something; fundamental; basic" (Webster's New World College Dictionary, 1996). By covering, I have gotten back to the basics. Back to the basics of being a disciple of Christ. It's ALL about loving God. How we each love God is different depending on the talents He has given to each of us. One talent (though not readily accepted) has been to cover my head. Like I mentioned earlier, I have been able to witness through it by answering questions, but I also have grown great strides within myself. I am able to love God more fully by what I've been taught! I'M NOT ASHAMED OF CHRIST!!!! I am able to see where in my life that needs work! I am able to see where God is working in me...and look past people's appearance to see how God is working in their lives! It's incredible. I can't explain it all to you because most of the transformation has happened on the inside.

I've gone through a really REALLY tough year. With my parents getting a divorce and my struggle with depression, I haven't been able to be "me." I honestly believe that covering saved my relationship with Christ. Without covering, I would still be the prideful girl hiding in the corner ashamed to tell ANYONE about Christ. I would still be the girl who wants to die because nothing seems to be going her way and God seems to be against her. By covering, God and I have been able to defeat obstacles that seemed SO large...yet, they were absolutely nothing for God to win the victory. GOD HAS OVERCOME DEATH ITSELF! Nothing is impossible for God. And I believe that.

Now, before you think my pride is sneaking out, let me say that I'm not perfect. I still don't think that I submit to His will perfectly. There is still a lot of paperwork for me to get done in order to continue in the pastoral process that has been sitting on my desk for quite some time. AND let me assure you that I am not fully disconnected from my love of my hair (though I believe it is okay, to a point). However, I can also assure you that it is GOD who defines me. He loves me more than anything and He is my motivation, strength, and comfort. AND because HE loves me, He also refines me. Covering one's head can seem crazy...but I can guarantee that Jesus did not follow every social norm. God is able to do immeasurably more than anything we can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20), however...we have to be willing to do what He asks no matter how crazy it sounds...because God is the only One who can see the big picture.

God asked me to cover my head because God wanted me to learn how to stand firm in Him by submitting to His will, even if it meant being radical.

God defines me AND refines me! Praise GOD!

Lately...

I haven't updated the online world in a while, so here it goes!

My friend, Nichole, had her endometriosis surgery the day before Thanksgiving and it went well! Thanks so much for your prayers. She seems to be having a few other health things to deal with, so if you could continue to pray for her as she sees various doctors, etc. that would be great and much appreciated!

ONWARD...I have been really thinking about life lately. What I want to do and how I want to get there, and what GOD wants me to do...questions like that. A week ago, I could honestly say that I was not happy with life. I wasn't content either! I have been really down in the dumps. I'm still not sure why. I'm curious if stress just piled up to the point of breaking or if it's due to various life situations....either way, I was probably one of the most negative people ever. And this has been going on for quite sometime. This is different for me, because I'm usually a very joyful person. I'm generally positive and optimistic about even the worst of all situations. A few things helped me to realize all of this...I realized that friends were ditching (or even just ignoring) me. People just didn't want to be around me. Pessimism is contagious. It spreads like a spark through a forest. And sometimes, it's hard to catch before it's an out of control forest fire. I hope and pray that none of you have experienced this, though I am sure some of you have. I also realized that I had no motivation. Negative energy doesn't just circulate in your thoughts, but it also affects how one acts. My grades dropped this semester. I'm not happy about it. But the pessimistic attitude did not help me succeed in a goal I had set for myself before the semester started. The people I've surrounded myself with lately have not been supportive either. Which kind of leads to the next topic of headcovering. But first, I want to mention that there is a possibility of a transfer arising. I am not sure my school right now is the right one for me. I'll try and keep you all updated, but if I transfer then I could be going to school for little to nothing, closer to home, and I'd be playing my flute again...which is something I MISS LIKE CRAZY!!! Anyhow....

NEXT...I want to talk about various things regarding my head covering. Today is day...128, I think. Alright...I really don't even know where to start with all of this. Ummm. First off, I wanted to talk about why I'm still covering. I'm still covering because it's still what God wants me to do. I'm still obeying His command. However, I am very sure that most people do not see it as I see it. I cover in obedience to God. NOT in obedience to Scripture (in regards to 1 Cor 11). It irritates me when people become concerned about me, but tell everyone else except for me about their concerns. Honestly, just about ANY concern that one can come up with...I've already dealt with. Head covering is something I love. It really is. Sure, I miss my hair...My grandma is a beautician....we LOVE doing each others' hair. However, I cover for more than just Scripture may (or may not) tell me to do so or modesty. Obeying God with one's life is the number one way to love God. And loving God with all that we are is the number one commandment! God has called me to cover my head...and it has been affirmed in many ways.

However, people's fear and judgment keep them from merely seeing that I cover my head for God. People become worried about myself looking like a Muslim. So I say..."What's wrong with looking like a Muslim?!" I had the same concern when I first started covering. I looked in the mirror and saw a Muslim, though I believe in Christianity to its fullest extent! No doubt about that! After covering my head for as long as I have, I have realized that people may or may not see Muslim when they look at me. If so, no biggie. If they don't...that's fine, because they see religious. So many in this country are apathetic in regards to religion. They honestly do not know what they believe. They may or may not heard of any god, and thus, they may not even know of The true GOD (I AM). It makes me terribly sad to think that we, as Christians, just assume that everyone knows about God. Seeing someone in some sort of covering causes people to think and ask questions...I see this as one way that I witness. I do have quite a few people ask me if I am a Muslim woman. I reply that I am a Christian as well as anything else that I feel needs to be said. Sometimes, I ask people what they believe. Some of the most amazing conversations I have ever had have been started by someone asking about my head being covered. I know that some people are even concerned about my safety. I have not figured this one out yet. I am treated with more respect now than I EVER have been before. I am seen as a woman, rather than some college kid. I have been harassed ONCE and only once, and I did not allow it to harm me in any way, mentally or physically. I don't have to worry about being looked at for my body. Most days, I feel overweight. Not a surprise...however, with my covering comes modesty. And with modesty my self-image is able to disappear. Instead of seeing an overweight girl, I see a woman striving to follow God. It kills me to know that I once didn't dress so modestly. But God is a forgiving God, and I am able to change my ways with His help.

So, here's my rant tonight for you...Covering my head does NOT define me. God defines me and refines me through covering my head. When people look at me, they are able to see a person. Not a body. God defines me because it is by HIS grace and HIS mercy that I am here today to tell you about Him. It is HIM who created me and HIM who sustains me. HE provides for me. HE comforts me. And HE teaches me. HE refines me to be the person that I am created to be. I may not always know exactly what's going on, but as someone who is walking alongside me, one has to be willing to accept what HE is asking me to do. If you don't agree, voice it...but please don't be judgmental. I have enough people judging me...so you can allow that to be one less that I have to stand against. PLUS...In all honesty, your vote does not really matter because God is all that matters! HE has the final say.

With that being said...I am not sure how much longer I will be covering. Although I love it, some days, I feel it does more harm than good. I still feel like it is an amazing practice, and I would recommend it to anyone struggling with modesty or just wanting a challenge. However, various interactions have caused me to wonder if this is really what God wants. Last night, I sat on my stool praying and listening for a friend, but also for head covering. By the end of my time with Him, I was on my knees completely bowed listening to what He had to say. Now, I'm a planner, so you should know that I've already tried uncovering a few times and found out that was DEFINITELY not God's will at that time...and thus, prior to yesterday, I had begun to plan to uncover at the end of the semester. However, God has had a purpose that He's been working in my life. And, I know that the purpose is almost completed. (Contrary to what some of my closest friends might think.) I'll try and post another blog tonight or tomorrow about the things I have learned while covering and what that purpose is. Anyhow...back to being on my knees. Haha. As I knelt, I felt this overwhelming urge just to ask God to let me know if and when it would be alright to uncover. I asked Him to make it physically hurt right then if I weren't supposed to uncover and with those words, I took off my cover. I sat for quite some time in silence listening and responding to God about how I felt. Honestly, my knee which had been in pain all day had stopped hurting and my headache went away as I sat. And the longer I sat, the more relaxed I felt. However, it made me incredibly uncomfortable to be talking to God with my head uncovered after doing it for so long. I decided that I would do the opposite at that point in time. SO, I put my cover back on, and asked God to make it physically hurt if I was not supposed to have my cover on. With those words, my knee pain came back and my headache was on again, full force. I'm not sure if we will get the same interpretation from this as I got. (I can assure you that my headache was not caused by the mere wrapping of my hair.) After another while...I spoke and asked God to show me when I should uncover. Being the planner that I am, this is hard. I don't know when He will ask me to uncover. God doesn't really work on a time schedule, so uncovering could be incredibly soon or it could be months. I don't know. And honestly, I don't care. I know that He has told me to take each day for itself. (Scriptural!) And I know that He has told me that while the purpose is close to being fulfilled, it's not done yet. So...I will cover. Until HE says otherwise.

God defines me and refines me. You cannot deny that. With all that I am, may I love God forever and ever!