The Roundabout Way

If you've ever talked to me about what I want to be when I grow up, I've probably given you a whole slew of things - preacher, teacher, librarian, counselor, and the list goes on!  Basically, I'm a life-long student accruing three lifetimes worth of debt.  However, with each closing moment, I come closer and closer to figuring out what I actually want to be when I grow up!  I'm only a quarter of a century old - I still have time, right?! 

Here's the shindig...I know you've seen the posts about graduate school this and graduate school that.  I didn't want to announce it too early in case it wouldn't work out orrrrr I change my mind again.  However, I'm set on doing this program for several reasons. 

1)  I love teaching.  Anything and everything!  Whether that is languages, history, Biblical stories, math, etc.  If I don't already know it - I'll find out - which leads me to.....

2)  I love learning.  ALSO anything and everything......well, almost.  I get bored super easily.  I need a profession where I'm consistently being asked to grow, develop, make steps up the ladder, etc. 

3)  Psychology has provided me the perfect foundation for this program.  Some of you think I wasted years on a degree I'll never use.  NOT TRUE.  I use psychology all the time in my work life, and even in my personal life.  I did score pretty well in my persuasion class and that personality class lets me know just who of you will actually read this.  Not only that but cognitive psychology and developmental psychology are good courses to take when you need a foundation in.....

EDUCATION.  (But her bachelor's isn't in education - how is she going into education?!) I'll be getting my Master's in Teaching which through some extra foundational courses, I'll be able to apply for certification with DESE.   I'll specialize in Special Education with an elementary content emphasis, most likely.  (That part could change pretty easily depending on where I attend school.)  Schools being considered are Webster University (attended their information session tonight and was extremely impressed AND got a free tumbler), UMSL, and Fontbonne University.  Ultimately, I'd like the face-to-face programs however I'd like to retain my current job until I can teach.  Some universities offer it online, however I'm leaning away from them as I just completed most of my bachelor's online.  I'd like some sort of face-to-face interaction with people.

Some of you will protest and think I was so close to having a "real career" - why go back to school and start all over? 

1)  Psychology is a terrible degree alone as a bachelor's.  YOU HAVE TO GO TO GRADUATE SCHOOL TO DO ANYTHING COOL WITH IT!  Sure, I could have gotten a job, maybe, and made more money to do more work and worked an 8am to 5pm job while juggling graduate school.  OR, I could pursue something I really love, even if I have NO educational background other than work. 

2)  I didn't love any choice I had already been pursuing or it wasn't right for my family.  Counselor?  Sure, it would have been fine in about 5 years when I was done with graduate school, provisional experience, and had a usual job.  But I couldn't even write the essays on my professional career goals or why I wanted to be a counselor without way more thought than I should have.  Pastor?  That may not be the best thing for my family right now, or ever, and who says I can't be crazy involved in church and still teach?!  HELLO?!  I'll have weekends and summers off!  Hello summer camps and mission trips?! 

3)  I'm technically not starting over.  My two years of work experience have given me a ton of experience and an idea of what the job is like (the good and the not so good).  My psychology degree gives me a good foundation.  I love working with people with disabilities.  I love their behaviors.  I love them, just as kids.  The schooling will not take as long as everyone imagines...And I'll start out with master's pay (not a bad gig).  Sooner or later, I'll be at some back to school banquet and I'll be announcing my 25th year of teaching.  And it will be amazing. 

To all of you who thought I should have gone into education in the first place:  Be patient with me.  I'm learning who I am and the potential I have to change the world one small step at a time.  Expect big things, because I imagine God will do incredible things if we are only open to the possibilities.

It might be the roundabout way.  But sooner or later, I'll reach my destination.  And really, it's the journey that makes it fun, right?! 

Trust & Obey

Most people who know me know that I grew up in a small town church in northeastern Missouri.  While I no longer attend there, I do remember the things I gleaned from my time from birth on up through high school.  If you grew up in an old-traditional church, you may remember the hymn "Trust and Obey."  It goes something like this:

"Trust and obey.  For there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." 

Those words have been ringing in my ear this past week.  But what does it mean to trust and obey.  Today in church, we talked about trust.  This idea of letting someone else be in charge and that someone else being Jesus.  This idea that Jesus is Lord.  So, needless to say, we're in the middle of Lent talking about Jesus as Lord and repenting like nothing else because we are so terrible at letting Jesus be Lord over everything. 

Meanwhile, I'm trying to discern where God has called me to be.  Many of you know that I have always said that I would be a "preacher or a teacher...or a librarian."  Well, I've moved past the librarian aspect and decided I would just be the keeper of my home library.  But, I keep returning to this idea of being a pastor.  My wife thinks she would be a terrible pastor's wife - mostly because we are anything but the typical "pastor and wife."  First off, we are a lesbian couple.  Secondly, we are incredibly tolerant and host a foreign exchange student from Thailand who is Buddhist whom we have no intent of forcing some conversion.  (To be honest, she is teaching us more than we've taught her.)  And lastly, we are anything but the calm "let's attend a committee meeting" couple.  Perhaps some of this is just an excuse while other points prove to be truth.  I believe the General Conference of the UMC will allow people who are homosexual to be ordained, but ultimately, I do not believe that it is God's end goal for my life.  Ultimately, I believe I am to teach at the collegiate level within the religious studies department - whether that's at a public school or a seminary is still to be determined.  But, how reliable is the job market and how do I get there anyway? 

Trust and obey.

So am I going to be a pastor first before teaching?

Trust and obey.

Will my family support this journey?

Trust and obey.

Will people be able to learn from me?

Trust and obey.

When will I know the first step?

Trust and obey.

You get the point.  At each question, I'm reminded that Jesus is Lord and that I must remind myself of this daily.  I'm not the best at this, but I'm using Lent as a time to remind myself who is in charge and that I need only to trust and obey.  Obedience will only come as a result of trusting in God to have my best interests at heart.  When I trust that God is working for me, when I trust that God is working in me and through me, when I trust that God wants only the best for me, THAT is when I will obey and follow where He leads.  I've heard it said that we ought to obey even when it gets hard and doesn't make sense.  This is true, but it's much easier to take a blind step in the direction of obedience when we trust that He cares for us. 

Most of this is a rambling for me, but any advice you have is welcome and any prayers for discernment are more than appreciated. 

Peace folks.  Have peace and trust that He is for you!

Wasted Time

Tonight I did a rare thing for me but the norm for many.  I sat in front of a black box and watched it for two and a half hours!  Yes, this rare moment for me when I actually enjoyed just chilling in front of the TV.  Now, don't get me wrong - TV can certainly be nice or even helpful when it comes to relieving stress at the end of the day or staying informed with the news (no matter how biased they tend to be).  BUT - due to sitting, or rather lounging, on my couch for two hours, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything.  I did absolutely nothing productive while watching some fake show and wasted a ton of time! 

Time is the ONE thing that we've been given in the here and now.  Sometime, you should look up the definition of time, just google it, and you'll find all the ways we try to define this thing that we have but that could be gone in a blink of an eye and no one can really touch it!

I can't really remember a year that I haven't had someone's funeral to attend.  Whether it be a relative, friend, or church family member, I always am amazed by what people say about their deceased family member.  Usually it starts as a typical timeline of their hometown and where they went to college or their career.  But then, it takes a turn and it begins to unravel the impact that the individual had on the speaker's life and the lives of those right there in the room.  We tend to talk about the good things and the funny things at funerals and right there in the midst of all the sadness and grief, we realize that we are going to miss that individual because they were a good listener or had the best jokes or loved to go fishing with me, etc.  The list goes on and on with ways that people impact lives in small gestures.  What started as a simple hello could grow into lifelong friendships.  You know, I don't hear people talk about that kind of commitment anymore.  We are constantly moving in a fast-paced culture where success is key and that really clashes with the kind of culture that Jesus talked about and lived out.  What I love most about Jesus is that He wants a relationship with me!  But just that desire to actually want relationships is incredible.  I don't want to be the person who only has a timeline read at my funeral.  I want to be the kind of person that impacts lives for Jesus.  I want to be the kind of person that people get inspired by to live their lives with a little more optimism and purpose.  But I can't do that if I'm wasting time in front of TV or worrying about what will happen next, isolating myself or better yet, talking about myself and complaining about other people.  Shouldn't we all care a little more about others? 

By all means, unwind with a TV, but don't let it dwindle your desire to make a difference in this world by establishing relationships with others!

Works for the Good

Today, I started back up at the school where I'm a paraprofessional in the ID (Intellectual disabilities) rooms.  There are certainly a lot of changes, some good, some I'm not sure about yet.  But if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that God works for the good of those who love Him (Rom 8:28).  So often, I think we forget that every good gift comes from God (James 1:17).  We think that it's coincidence or luck that something happened.  Or maybe we think that it was of our own doing that we got to a certain place in life.  But friends, let me tell you that God is working in and through and beyond everything that we experience in life.  Even the bad situations that seem to multiply, God works to turn those around for our benefit.  This is so encouraging!  I'm so glad we have a God who is on our side working for the good of us!  Of course in doing so, we build our faith in what we cannot see and trust the God is ultimately God of all and especially God of our lives.

Other than this, I don't have much else to say.  So I challenge you to look at the situations in your life where it has become chaotic and messy and know that you have a God who is working to bring something beautiful and meaningful and ultimately GOOD from it.  You have a God who is able to turn dust and ashes into life and bring good and perfect gifts to His children.  So I ask you this...Can you see this happening?  Are you loving on God as He works for your benefit?  Are you forgetting to thank Him for all the goodness you see in the world? 

"You now rejoice in this hope, even if it's necessary for you to be distressed for a short time by various trials.  This is necessary so that your faith may be found genuine."  (1 Peter 1:6-7, CEB)

May we have genuine faith in a God who works for the GOOD of those who love Him.

Losing Inspiration & Making Cookies

My sister asked me today why I don't blog anymore.  I suppose that is reason enough to start blogging again.  I told her it was because of not having internet at my previous residence, I recently moved, and going back to school, too busy, but I think it was honestly that I lost inspiration.  I lost my motivation.  And in doing so, or rather not doing so, I lost part of myself.

I LOVE to write.  I love to blog.  I use this as my edited journal.  I find myself exploring why I believe what I believe and how that comes to life in the world around me.  I use this blog as a means of expressing myself in ways that just make better sense in a blog than in a conversation.  I was contemplating when and why I started blogging today and I realized that I began back in high school.  (LunchTimeDevos)  I took a lay speaking class on preaching and someone saw it fit to tell me that I should post devotions online.  And I did so for quite some time.  They are still up for the world to see too.  But I loved to write and have readers who got inspired because they could get on at 5:30am and have a short morning devotional written in a basement by some teenager who saw the world in a different way.  Over time, I think I've begun to think that that way is not an appropriate way for an adult.  Today, I think I was more right in how I wrote than what I gave myself credit for.  Writing about turtles on the road and the sunrise/sunset are totally appropriate!  So today, I shall take up writing about the things that inspire me or make me think as I go about my day.  Sometimes it is the little things that God can get me thinking about Him and how His kingdom works and what needs to be done.  Thus, here is a story about Making Cookies...

Someone I know recently made cookies.  She had the recipe, which made the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever had, and she had all the ingredients.  She mixed everything together and realized the batter looked a little thin.  She tossed in a little more flour and figured it would just make a giant cookie cake if they all ran together.  Unfortunately, they ran together but were inedible.  She had forgotten to add the rest of the flour to the batter so instead of using 2.25 cups, she only used 1 cup!  THAT obviously made a huge difference. 

Now, she had clearly forgotten to use the rest of the flour, but how often do we try and take short-cuts in our walk of faith?  We have all the ingredients - we read the Bible, pray, go to church, give, etc - but we just don't have the right amounts.  Instead of reading the Bible daily and digesting it, we read a quick devotion (when we remember to) and head out the door to our busy lives.  Just today I saw something on Facebook that emphasized the lack of Christians who greet God in the morning.  Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of this too, but don't we tend to fill our lives with ingredients that do more harm than good and don't put enough of the good ingredients either?  We serve.......once a month, if even.....for two hours......It's just not enough.  We give......until it messes with our usual expenses.  We go to church......for one hour....a week......and we complain if it runs a little long.  We pray......for five minutes every night.......okay, like two minutes......right before we drift off to sleep because we spent our day doing too much. 

Now, I know there are some of you out there that will say that you do have all the ingredients and you do these things enough.  BUT - just like not enough flour will not make cookies edible, too much vanilla could ruin them too.  I've heard it said that too much of a good thing can make it a bad thing.  This reminds me of the Apostle Paul who talked about moderation in everything.  We as the church cannot be half-hearted Christians if we expect to be able to change the world for God.  And we can't be burnt out Christians either.  We have to learn this balance and this recipe for life.  Until we do, we won't be content in all circumstances or able to impact the people we are meant to impact. 

So, what ingredient do you have, but maybe don't have enough of?  Perhaps you are missing an ingredient altogether?  Are you burning out because having too much of one ingredient and not enough of another to even it out? 

I may have lost my inspiration to write when I stopped looking at the world around me and seeing that I had something to offer that might impact people, even if it dealt with turtles or cookies, whether I was writing at age 16 or age 24.  Regardless, this won't be the last post.  At least, not for a while.  I think God's given me a lot to offer up and I hope you'll stick around to read about my reclaimed existence! 

Past and Present Churches

I've gone to a lot of churches in my day but let me tell you about the last two significant experiences I have had and I am having....

I attended a Pentecostal church from July 2012 to April 2013 which supported me in affirming that I am okay loving a woman.  I learned more about the spiritual realm than I have anywhere else in my spiritual journey.  I questioned a lot of who I am and what I believe and especially the WHY behind what I believed.  Through God, I grew in knowledge and wisdom. 

I am a now member of a church in STL (since August 2013) which is over an hour away from my house one way.  I love this church and the work that it is doing within the city of STL! For a few months, Nichole and I led a core group (small group) of LGBTQ persons in 2013.  It was an amazing yet challenging experience.  I learned through this experience and mostly I learned that I'm not alone in my faith even with my orientation.  Because of my church, I was challenged to grow in my relationship with God because my sexual orientation was a non-issue. 

This church also allowed me to be involved with the Student Ministry which has been my favorite part of the life of the church!  Last summer, I was able to go to Cape Girardeau, MO for a mission trip with the students AND help with summer camp!  It was really cool and taught me a lot about what ministry among young people looks like now that I'm an OLD adult!  It was also fun just to connect and have a meaningful time hearing about students' lives and how God is interacting with them along their journey.  The great thing is that in January 2014, I started with a small group of students at the Clayton site and while it looks very different than when we first started, I love them wholly!  It is awesome to see students getting into the Word of God and asking questions that some adults are even afraid to ask!  I love seeing them every week and it is totally worth the hour and fifteen minute drive in at 7:30am to worship and grow with them.  If I could tell all the stories and profound things that they've said and taught me, I would not have room in this blog for anything else! 

Let me just tell you - I am headed to Louisville KY this year for the mission trip with the MS and HS students and I am SOOOOO EXCITED!  Not only that, but I also have the privilege to be a mentor at the summer camp in August for the 4-8th graders!  I cannot wait to see how God impacts the students' and mentors' lives AND for the amazing amount of fun that we are going to have! 

It's awesome to be a member of such a cool church.  The Gathering UMC - in case you were curious! 

A Life Lived

It has legitimately been forever since I posted on this blog.  August 2013?!  Good gracious!  Regardless, here I am starting again, even though few people read this thing anyway. 

I have been out living life and doing a lot of crazy cool things.

FIRST - I guess I should just start out by saying that I am MARRIED!!!  Missouri (in like 3 counties) legalized gay marriage, so I am officially married and I am thrilled.  Not saying that my marriage in 2012 wasn't legit, but this one is like official for the government.  Not much of my family was able to come to my first wedding, so having everyone over to the house to have my former flute and band teacher to perform our wedding in front of my Christmas tree exchanging ring pops and eating potato soup that I didn't have to make) and brownies (that failed miserably to cook thoroughly) was absolutely amazing!  I also was thrown a small wedding shower at work which was super cool since I hadn't ever had one and they even bought us a hotel for that weekend since we were married on Black Friday 2014! 

SECONDLY - I now work with kids with disabilities within a school district.  My initial passion in moving to working in schools still stands - to give students the fullest potential to learn AND to modify behaviors before they become really problematic when they are grown adults and kicked out of the school system.  I love what I do most days and though it is hard on the body and sometimes even the mind, I know (most days) that I'm making a difference in the kiddos' lives! 

THIRDLY - I go to church at a crazy cool place called The Gathering UMC in St. Louis.  They are doing some awesome things within the city and around the world.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE serving in student ministry.  If I could legitimately do student ministry full-time, I probably would.  I actually do Sunday mornings with kiddos between 4-7th grades.  I do a lot of teaching of new things and get to explain God in a way that makes sense for kids who are starting to become skeptics and answer a lot of really hard questions!  (Though a lot of times, I take Jesus' strategy and ask a question back...haha) 

LASTLY - Here's a lot of other really cool sentence things that I'm doing these days:

• Going back to school - Major: Psychology.  Ultimate Goal? Walk through doors God opens for me......Dream job?  Teach courses like Old Testament and Hebrew at a university!
• I have a host daughter from Thailand who is awesome.  She will be with us another two years hopefully! Though she is currently blowing up my phone with snapchats!
• I'm attempting to learn Thai before I go to Thailand...It's harder than it looks - 5 tones...blargh.
• I love writing and I want to write more often - Do people even blog anymore these days?

Essentially - I want to make sure I live my life to the fullest potential and I want to do it how God envisions.  I want people to say that my life was a life well lived.  And I want to start that well lived life with every breath I have the opportunity to breathe! 

Thanks for reading!