Wasted Time

Tonight I did a rare thing for me but the norm for many.  I sat in front of a black box and watched it for two and a half hours!  Yes, this rare moment for me when I actually enjoyed just chilling in front of the TV.  Now, don't get me wrong - TV can certainly be nice or even helpful when it comes to relieving stress at the end of the day or staying informed with the news (no matter how biased they tend to be).  BUT - due to sitting, or rather lounging, on my couch for two hours, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything.  I did absolutely nothing productive while watching some fake show and wasted a ton of time! 

Time is the ONE thing that we've been given in the here and now.  Sometime, you should look up the definition of time, just google it, and you'll find all the ways we try to define this thing that we have but that could be gone in a blink of an eye and no one can really touch it!

I can't really remember a year that I haven't had someone's funeral to attend.  Whether it be a relative, friend, or church family member, I always am amazed by what people say about their deceased family member.  Usually it starts as a typical timeline of their hometown and where they went to college or their career.  But then, it takes a turn and it begins to unravel the impact that the individual had on the speaker's life and the lives of those right there in the room.  We tend to talk about the good things and the funny things at funerals and right there in the midst of all the sadness and grief, we realize that we are going to miss that individual because they were a good listener or had the best jokes or loved to go fishing with me, etc.  The list goes on and on with ways that people impact lives in small gestures.  What started as a simple hello could grow into lifelong friendships.  You know, I don't hear people talk about that kind of commitment anymore.  We are constantly moving in a fast-paced culture where success is key and that really clashes with the kind of culture that Jesus talked about and lived out.  What I love most about Jesus is that He wants a relationship with me!  But just that desire to actually want relationships is incredible.  I don't want to be the person who only has a timeline read at my funeral.  I want to be the kind of person that impacts lives for Jesus.  I want to be the kind of person that people get inspired by to live their lives with a little more optimism and purpose.  But I can't do that if I'm wasting time in front of TV or worrying about what will happen next, isolating myself or better yet, talking about myself and complaining about other people.  Shouldn't we all care a little more about others? 

By all means, unwind with a TV, but don't let it dwindle your desire to make a difference in this world by establishing relationships with others!

Works for the Good

Today, I started back up at the school where I'm a paraprofessional in the ID (Intellectual disabilities) rooms.  There are certainly a lot of changes, some good, some I'm not sure about yet.  But if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that God works for the good of those who love Him (Rom 8:28).  So often, I think we forget that every good gift comes from God (James 1:17).  We think that it's coincidence or luck that something happened.  Or maybe we think that it was of our own doing that we got to a certain place in life.  But friends, let me tell you that God is working in and through and beyond everything that we experience in life.  Even the bad situations that seem to multiply, God works to turn those around for our benefit.  This is so encouraging!  I'm so glad we have a God who is on our side working for the good of us!  Of course in doing so, we build our faith in what we cannot see and trust the God is ultimately God of all and especially God of our lives.

Other than this, I don't have much else to say.  So I challenge you to look at the situations in your life where it has become chaotic and messy and know that you have a God who is working to bring something beautiful and meaningful and ultimately GOOD from it.  You have a God who is able to turn dust and ashes into life and bring good and perfect gifts to His children.  So I ask you this...Can you see this happening?  Are you loving on God as He works for your benefit?  Are you forgetting to thank Him for all the goodness you see in the world? 

"You now rejoice in this hope, even if it's necessary for you to be distressed for a short time by various trials.  This is necessary so that your faith may be found genuine."  (1 Peter 1:6-7, CEB)

May we have genuine faith in a God who works for the GOOD of those who love Him.

Losing Inspiration & Making Cookies

My sister asked me today why I don't blog anymore.  I suppose that is reason enough to start blogging again.  I told her it was because of not having internet at my previous residence, I recently moved, and going back to school, too busy, but I think it was honestly that I lost inspiration.  I lost my motivation.  And in doing so, or rather not doing so, I lost part of myself.

I LOVE to write.  I love to blog.  I use this as my edited journal.  I find myself exploring why I believe what I believe and how that comes to life in the world around me.  I use this blog as a means of expressing myself in ways that just make better sense in a blog than in a conversation.  I was contemplating when and why I started blogging today and I realized that I began back in high school.  (LunchTimeDevos)  I took a lay speaking class on preaching and someone saw it fit to tell me that I should post devotions online.  And I did so for quite some time.  They are still up for the world to see too.  But I loved to write and have readers who got inspired because they could get on at 5:30am and have a short morning devotional written in a basement by some teenager who saw the world in a different way.  Over time, I think I've begun to think that that way is not an appropriate way for an adult.  Today, I think I was more right in how I wrote than what I gave myself credit for.  Writing about turtles on the road and the sunrise/sunset are totally appropriate!  So today, I shall take up writing about the things that inspire me or make me think as I go about my day.  Sometimes it is the little things that God can get me thinking about Him and how His kingdom works and what needs to be done.  Thus, here is a story about Making Cookies...

Someone I know recently made cookies.  She had the recipe, which made the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever had, and she had all the ingredients.  She mixed everything together and realized the batter looked a little thin.  She tossed in a little more flour and figured it would just make a giant cookie cake if they all ran together.  Unfortunately, they ran together but were inedible.  She had forgotten to add the rest of the flour to the batter so instead of using 2.25 cups, she only used 1 cup!  THAT obviously made a huge difference. 

Now, she had clearly forgotten to use the rest of the flour, but how often do we try and take short-cuts in our walk of faith?  We have all the ingredients - we read the Bible, pray, go to church, give, etc - but we just don't have the right amounts.  Instead of reading the Bible daily and digesting it, we read a quick devotion (when we remember to) and head out the door to our busy lives.  Just today I saw something on Facebook that emphasized the lack of Christians who greet God in the morning.  Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of this too, but don't we tend to fill our lives with ingredients that do more harm than good and don't put enough of the good ingredients either?  We serve.......once a month, if even.....for two hours......It's just not enough.  We give......until it messes with our usual expenses.  We go to church......for one hour....a week......and we complain if it runs a little long.  We pray......for five minutes every night.......okay, like two minutes......right before we drift off to sleep because we spent our day doing too much. 

Now, I know there are some of you out there that will say that you do have all the ingredients and you do these things enough.  BUT - just like not enough flour will not make cookies edible, too much vanilla could ruin them too.  I've heard it said that too much of a good thing can make it a bad thing.  This reminds me of the Apostle Paul who talked about moderation in everything.  We as the church cannot be half-hearted Christians if we expect to be able to change the world for God.  And we can't be burnt out Christians either.  We have to learn this balance and this recipe for life.  Until we do, we won't be content in all circumstances or able to impact the people we are meant to impact. 

So, what ingredient do you have, but maybe don't have enough of?  Perhaps you are missing an ingredient altogether?  Are you burning out because having too much of one ingredient and not enough of another to even it out? 

I may have lost my inspiration to write when I stopped looking at the world around me and seeing that I had something to offer that might impact people, even if it dealt with turtles or cookies, whether I was writing at age 16 or age 24.  Regardless, this won't be the last post.  At least, not for a while.  I think God's given me a lot to offer up and I hope you'll stick around to read about my reclaimed existence! 

Past and Present Churches

I've gone to a lot of churches in my day but let me tell you about the last two significant experiences I have had and I am having....

I attended a Pentecostal church from July 2012 to April 2013 which supported me in affirming that I am okay loving a woman.  I learned more about the spiritual realm than I have anywhere else in my spiritual journey.  I questioned a lot of who I am and what I believe and especially the WHY behind what I believed.  Through God, I grew in knowledge and wisdom. 

I am a now member of a church in STL (since August 2013) which is over an hour away from my house one way.  I love this church and the work that it is doing within the city of STL! For a few months, Nichole and I led a core group (small group) of LGBTQ persons in 2013.  It was an amazing yet challenging experience.  I learned through this experience and mostly I learned that I'm not alone in my faith even with my orientation.  Because of my church, I was challenged to grow in my relationship with God because my sexual orientation was a non-issue. 

This church also allowed me to be involved with the Student Ministry which has been my favorite part of the life of the church!  Last summer, I was able to go to Cape Girardeau, MO for a mission trip with the students AND help with summer camp!  It was really cool and taught me a lot about what ministry among young people looks like now that I'm an OLD adult!  It was also fun just to connect and have a meaningful time hearing about students' lives and how God is interacting with them along their journey.  The great thing is that in January 2014, I started with a small group of students at the Clayton site and while it looks very different than when we first started, I love them wholly!  It is awesome to see students getting into the Word of God and asking questions that some adults are even afraid to ask!  I love seeing them every week and it is totally worth the hour and fifteen minute drive in at 7:30am to worship and grow with them.  If I could tell all the stories and profound things that they've said and taught me, I would not have room in this blog for anything else! 

Let me just tell you - I am headed to Louisville KY this year for the mission trip with the MS and HS students and I am SOOOOO EXCITED!  Not only that, but I also have the privilege to be a mentor at the summer camp in August for the 4-8th graders!  I cannot wait to see how God impacts the students' and mentors' lives AND for the amazing amount of fun that we are going to have! 

It's awesome to be a member of such a cool church.  The Gathering UMC - in case you were curious! 

A Life Lived

It has legitimately been forever since I posted on this blog.  August 2013?!  Good gracious!  Regardless, here I am starting again, even though few people read this thing anyway. 

I have been out living life and doing a lot of crazy cool things.

FIRST - I guess I should just start out by saying that I am MARRIED!!!  Missouri (in like 3 counties) legalized gay marriage, so I am officially married and I am thrilled.  Not saying that my marriage in 2012 wasn't legit, but this one is like official for the government.  Not much of my family was able to come to my first wedding, so having everyone over to the house to have my former flute and band teacher to perform our wedding in front of my Christmas tree exchanging ring pops and eating potato soup that I didn't have to make) and brownies (that failed miserably to cook thoroughly) was absolutely amazing!  I also was thrown a small wedding shower at work which was super cool since I hadn't ever had one and they even bought us a hotel for that weekend since we were married on Black Friday 2014! 

SECONDLY - I now work with kids with disabilities within a school district.  My initial passion in moving to working in schools still stands - to give students the fullest potential to learn AND to modify behaviors before they become really problematic when they are grown adults and kicked out of the school system.  I love what I do most days and though it is hard on the body and sometimes even the mind, I know (most days) that I'm making a difference in the kiddos' lives! 

THIRDLY - I go to church at a crazy cool place called The Gathering UMC in St. Louis.  They are doing some awesome things within the city and around the world.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE serving in student ministry.  If I could legitimately do student ministry full-time, I probably would.  I actually do Sunday mornings with kiddos between 4-7th grades.  I do a lot of teaching of new things and get to explain God in a way that makes sense for kids who are starting to become skeptics and answer a lot of really hard questions!  (Though a lot of times, I take Jesus' strategy and ask a question back...haha) 

LASTLY - Here's a lot of other really cool sentence things that I'm doing these days:

• Going back to school - Major: Psychology.  Ultimate Goal? Walk through doors God opens for me......Dream job?  Teach courses like Old Testament and Hebrew at a university!
• I have a host daughter from Thailand who is awesome.  She will be with us another two years hopefully! Though she is currently blowing up my phone with snapchats!
• I'm attempting to learn Thai before I go to Thailand...It's harder than it looks - 5 tones...blargh.
• I love writing and I want to write more often - Do people even blog anymore these days?

Essentially - I want to make sure I live my life to the fullest potential and I want to do it how God envisions.  I want people to say that my life was a life well lived.  And I want to start that well lived life with every breath I have the opportunity to breathe! 

Thanks for reading!

Nostalgic Night

Hello Blogging World -

I seem to be feeling nostalgic tonight as I try to figure out specifics of the next steps I am taking in my life.  That's where the nostalgia begins...At one point in time, I was absolutely certain of where I was headed.  In fact, last night, I dreamed of being in a small, old practice room on the bottom floor of Ellis Hall, where I began my college journey.  In high school, I determined that I was going to school to be a music educator and that was that.  I devoted every spare and waking moment to pursuing that goal.  I spent several weeks where I put over 300 hours into my music.  I practiced the flute until my hands were beyond repair and my eyes darted to and fro reading music.  I would go to school early to practice and stay after school late to practice and then go home and practice and practiced again around 11:30pm, which was a given practice time-every night.  Regardless.  I was certain and I devoted myself to it.  Now, I can't even remember the last time I spent an hour practicing my flute though there have been a few times where I have picked it up or played a tune for my guys.  I just can't hardly believe that I devoted myself to it to the extent I did and now I do nothing for it.  I am quickly reminded why I miss it so much!

I had an absolutely amazing band teacher for two years of high school.  The very first time she challenged me with a piece for contest, it was certainly a challenge not because of the technicality of the piece but because of the story the piece had to portray.  Every piece has a story.  Whether it is a story you give it or that you must portray through it, the music takes all you've got for those 3 minutes.  From that point on, I poured all of who I was into the music.  The music shaped who I was and I shaped the music.  Not only that, but my faith, my religion, my belief in God was poured through the music that came from the instruments I played.  And inadvertently, part of who I was got left behind when I left the music program at Missouri State University.  Crazy enough, I didn't even find it when I went to the music program at Lindenwood University.

I have God for sure.  Thankfully, He never left me.  But I remember why I love music.  I communicated not only to the world through music but also to God.  I communicated to myself the pain I felt and the craziness of life.  I found comfort and excitement through playing music and listening and evaluating the story behind the music.

So, where does this take me tonight?  I'm not sure.  I'm still positive that I'm not meant to be a music teacher.  But I do know that for the sake of my humanity, I ought to keep my talent alive because it kept me alive.  I used to be good at playing the flute.  I'm not sure I'm so great now because I have devoted the time to it.  But perhaps some day I can manage to be awesome at it again.  That is....as long as I remember the goodness of music and the language it has deep within the soul....my soul.

Nostalgia can be detrimental.  If we begin to look and focus on the past so much that we forget we have a future that we can help create ahead of us, it is then that looking back can be harmful.  However, if we use it as a propeller and motivator for our future, then so be the good in it.  If we think about it, the Israelite were often nostalgic, with some good and some bad. Thinking about "how good it was back in Egypt in slavery" was not at the top of the list of precious moments in Israelite history.  However, the lessons they learned and the ways God had blessed them are remembered every single morning and evening as they recite the Shema and other prayers.  As they read the scrolls, they read them as though it is their history of their grandparents, as it is....plus a few generations or so.

Remember but don't dwell.  Remember and be thankful.

Musically Yours -

Reclaimed.

Big God, Big Vision - Pt 1

This has been laying on my heart deeply lately, so I figured I would try to put into words how BIG our God is and how BIG our vision should be.  This will be done in parts, so this is section 1 of 8.  Read, comment, whatever!  But know that I love and appreciate feedback/discussion!
1.      Dream Big
2.      Have Hope that God is FOR YOU!
3.      Stand in the face of Opposition
4.      Reality of following/trusting God
5.      Needing God beyond heaven and hell
6.      Denying yourself and your will
7.      Exchanging Your Desires for His Desires
8.      Getting Excited to Live

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SECTION ONE: DREAM BIG

“Look at the nations, and watch –

And be utterly amazed.

For I am going to do something in your days

that you would not believe, even if you were told.”

Habakkuk 1:5 (NIV)

            Be EXCITED!  You cannot even imagine what God is doing or His Master Plan!  You can’t even piece together what heaven is going to look like or even what is going to happen in the future of your marriage, kids, career, church, or the world around you.  So much of Scripture talks about an omnipresent God.  It talks about a God who is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful.  Yet, we limit ourselves.

            When we pray we ask for little things like, “Lord, give comfort to Billy Joe.  It’s just a really hard time for him.  Be with him, Lord.”  DUH!  God is already going to be with poor Billy Joe and God could do SOOOO much more if we widened our view of God.  Now, I am not saying this is a “Name It, Claim It” philosophy which is often looked upon in a negative light.  But I am saying we limit God by believing he can do so little for us.  Think about it, when did you actually ask and believe that God was going to do something huge and impossible?  In reality, we treat God as if He is small and honestly – BORING!  If we truly want to learn how to create a vision for ourselves and our church, then we need to attempt to visualize how big our God is!  We cannot get into a rut of little prayers accomplishing little things with little belief that our God can do more. 

            Job got a nice long speech about how big our God is.  He hit a rough patch in life.  It was tragic really.  He lost everything.  He lost his crops and livestock, his belongings, his career, and his family to the very last relative.  All of it was dead because God allowed Satan to test him to see if God was right about Job being righteous before God.  Not only did he lose his family and belongings, he also lost his health.  He got these sores that oozed out puss and yet he didn’t curse God as tempted, but rather Job sat in ashes, scrapping his wounds with a piece of broken pottery. 

            I admire Job at this point in the story.  When I got sick, I was not so quick to just sit around and wait for God’s work to finish.  Instead, I got angry.  I got so angry that I stopped going to church and believing that God really cared about us humans.  I was a perfectly healthy 19-year old college student who was headed for greatness, or so I thought!  I was going to get my bachelor’s degree in less than four years and head to graduate school for my dream career!  Well, I was going to do all of that until I was in a fender bender that traumatized my body into full-time, constant, chronic pain.  Day and night, 24 hours a day, 7 days a wee, my body writhed in pain.  Doctors thought I had gone mentally crazy.  Doctor after doctor, medical bill after medical bill, I strived for an answer.  But I longed for an answer far more than a diagnosis could bring.  I wanted to know why.  Why me?  Why was I cursed to live with this pain as long as my body had life?  With the pain came far more than an achy body.  Friends left quickly.  Many didn’t believe me as it was not a disease of the outside, but rather an inner aching pain that begins attacking a body where no infection lies.  Lupus SLE was the diagnosis, but it didn’t answer why I was being forced to live in constant pain.  The people who stuck around me gave all sorts of advice as to why it might be happening to me. 

            Job faced the same thing.  As he sat in ashes, friends came and sat by him.  I imagine he liked when they sat merely in silence, mourning his loss with him, until finally, they spoke.  They told him the age-old stories of why he had to go through all of this pain.  But, as you can imagine, not many words can calm someone when you are dealing with that kind of pain.  Eventually, after many days, Job is pushed to the breaking point.  In Job 29, he merely reflects on the way things were before disaster came, but by chapter 30, Job is brewing up a storm.  He complains and considers himself a righteous man, undeserving of what has come to him.  In Job 38, after another long speech from a friend, God answers Job.  I assure you, I would not have wanted this rebuke from God which went on four chapters thereafter. 

            What you need to know, and I encourage you to read it for yourself, is that God is truly all-powerful!  He takes care of the rising and setting of the sun and the tides and where the moon sits in the sky.  He controls the weather and the animals.  He is the ONLY righteous being!  He is BIG!  He is “large and in charge!” Yet, we deny that He could do more for us than bring a little peace and comfort.  We give in to the idea that it bothers God or that it is wrong to ask for more than what could be considered “politically correct” to have.  In fact, I think it bothers God when we ask for so little.  How can we truly trust and follow a God whom we allow to do so little in our lives? 

Jesus tells this parable in Luke 7:41-43, 47 (NIV).

“Two men owed money to a certain moneylender.  One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.  Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both.  Now which of them will love him more?”

                        Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.”

                        “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said…

“Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – for she loved much.  But he who has been forgiven little loves little.”

            I love this parable. It falls just in the middle of Jesus being anointed by a sinful woman.  Imagine Jesus eating dinner with the Pharisees and a woman who was known by the entire town as a sinful woman entered the house with an alabaster jar of perfume.  Imagine the woman coming and sitting at Jesus’ feet allowing her tears to cover Jesus’ feet so much that she was able to wipe them clean.  This woman’s hair was long and probably tied back, but she sat at Jesus’ feet, undoing her hair, and wiping his feet with her hair.  She bent down kissing them and pouring perfume on them.  Now, imagine you are the Pharisee who allowed Jesus into your home believing He was a great prophet.  The thoughts that roamed in the Pharisee’s mind were probably along the lines of disgust.  He felt disgusted that Jesus, a great prophet, would allow such a sinful woman to touch him.  Jesus subtly addresses these thoughts in this conversation with Simon Peter. 

            “He who has been forgiven loves little,” verse 47.  We forget that we ourselves are sinners and are in need of that forgiveness.  But more than that, I believe we forget that those who have been pulled out of a life of such turmoil love Jesus much more than we can imagine.  Why?  Because they came expecting that healing, that forgiveness, that anointing, knowing that nothing else on this earth can give it to them.  They knew that no one would be so forgiving and so powerful that they could allow such mercy EXCEPT for Jesus.  They knew His power.  They were able to dream that there was life beyond “that” sin or “that” mistake. 

            I am sure you can remember back when you were a kid when it was “that” thing that was so bad that you were gonna get a good whoopin’ for that one.  Or you can remember that time when you did something so bad that no one could ever forgive you.  Or early on in school when you did something so wrong that now your best friend was never ever going to trust you ever again!  I think we’ve forgotten that we still do this today.

            When I got my driver’s license at age 16, I thought I was pretty cool.  I was a year behind all of my classmates because I was almost a year younger than everyone, but I was awesome.  Two weeks after I got it, the first week of my junior year of high school, I totaled my mom’s van.  After I got back behind the wheel, in January, less than 5 months after getting my license, I slid on a patch of black ice, rolled down a hill, and by the grace of God a tree line stopped us.  Both accidents no one was hurt, but I totaled another van.  That January morning, the cell phone tower was out.  My brother, who is 18 months younger than I am, ran to a nearby house and called my parents.  I was TERRIFIED!  I didn’t think my parents were ever going to forgive me because I screwed up not only once but twice.  I had my siblings with me both times as well as a friend.  Of course, my parents forgave me but let’s just say, it took a long time for me to get behind the wheel again!  This story may seem silly to you, but it completely adjusted my way of thinking about the parable on forgiveness. 

            The great thing about God is that if we confess and truly seek to change our ways, He will forgive us.  Over and over again, He will forgive.  When I think about my parents’ forgiveness toward me and how I thought I was never going to be forgiven, I am amazed at how God works in our lives.  It took a long time for God to help me release that burden that I carried.  I wasn’t sure God was going to forgive me even if my earthly parents already had.  But God’s love is far more than what we can even imagine. 

            If God’s love is that large, imagine what He wants to be able to do for us as long as we are willing to ask and believe that He can achieve such impossibility!  Ephesians 3:20 (NIV) says, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us...” That’s right!  He can do more than all we could ask or imagine, so why do we limit Him by limiting our prayers?  Why do we plan out our entire life knowing that God could do so much more if we allowed Him?  If we truly place our lives in His hands, we can have a vision of the future like no one else!  We can rely on His promises.  We can count on His faithfulness.  We can attempt to imagine how awesome our lives can be! 

            Those who have been forgiven much know His Power!  They know they can dream BIG because they have a big God!  A God of the impossible who can do more than we can imagine! 

            Dream BIG!  It’s worth it!