Past and Present Churches

I've gone to a lot of churches in my day but let me tell you about the last two significant experiences I have had and I am having....

I attended a Pentecostal church from July 2012 to April 2013 which supported me in affirming that I am okay loving a woman.  I learned more about the spiritual realm than I have anywhere else in my spiritual journey.  I questioned a lot of who I am and what I believe and especially the WHY behind what I believed.  Through God, I grew in knowledge and wisdom. 

I am a now member of a church in STL (since August 2013) which is over an hour away from my house one way.  I love this church and the work that it is doing within the city of STL! For a few months, Nichole and I led a core group (small group) of LGBTQ persons in 2013.  It was an amazing yet challenging experience.  I learned through this experience and mostly I learned that I'm not alone in my faith even with my orientation.  Because of my church, I was challenged to grow in my relationship with God because my sexual orientation was a non-issue. 

This church also allowed me to be involved with the Student Ministry which has been my favorite part of the life of the church!  Last summer, I was able to go to Cape Girardeau, MO for a mission trip with the students AND help with summer camp!  It was really cool and taught me a lot about what ministry among young people looks like now that I'm an OLD adult!  It was also fun just to connect and have a meaningful time hearing about students' lives and how God is interacting with them along their journey.  The great thing is that in January 2014, I started with a small group of students at the Clayton site and while it looks very different than when we first started, I love them wholly!  It is awesome to see students getting into the Word of God and asking questions that some adults are even afraid to ask!  I love seeing them every week and it is totally worth the hour and fifteen minute drive in at 7:30am to worship and grow with them.  If I could tell all the stories and profound things that they've said and taught me, I would not have room in this blog for anything else! 

Let me just tell you - I am headed to Louisville KY this year for the mission trip with the MS and HS students and I am SOOOOO EXCITED!  Not only that, but I also have the privilege to be a mentor at the summer camp in August for the 4-8th graders!  I cannot wait to see how God impacts the students' and mentors' lives AND for the amazing amount of fun that we are going to have! 

It's awesome to be a member of such a cool church.  The Gathering UMC - in case you were curious! 

A Life Lived

It has legitimately been forever since I posted on this blog.  August 2013?!  Good gracious!  Regardless, here I am starting again, even though few people read this thing anyway. 

I have been out living life and doing a lot of crazy cool things.

FIRST - I guess I should just start out by saying that I am MARRIED!!!  Missouri (in like 3 counties) legalized gay marriage, so I am officially married and I am thrilled.  Not saying that my marriage in 2012 wasn't legit, but this one is like official for the government.  Not much of my family was able to come to my first wedding, so having everyone over to the house to have my former flute and band teacher to perform our wedding in front of my Christmas tree exchanging ring pops and eating potato soup that I didn't have to make) and brownies (that failed miserably to cook thoroughly) was absolutely amazing!  I also was thrown a small wedding shower at work which was super cool since I hadn't ever had one and they even bought us a hotel for that weekend since we were married on Black Friday 2014! 

SECONDLY - I now work with kids with disabilities within a school district.  My initial passion in moving to working in schools still stands - to give students the fullest potential to learn AND to modify behaviors before they become really problematic when they are grown adults and kicked out of the school system.  I love what I do most days and though it is hard on the body and sometimes even the mind, I know (most days) that I'm making a difference in the kiddos' lives! 

THIRDLY - I go to church at a crazy cool place called The Gathering UMC in St. Louis.  They are doing some awesome things within the city and around the world.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE serving in student ministry.  If I could legitimately do student ministry full-time, I probably would.  I actually do Sunday mornings with kiddos between 4-7th grades.  I do a lot of teaching of new things and get to explain God in a way that makes sense for kids who are starting to become skeptics and answer a lot of really hard questions!  (Though a lot of times, I take Jesus' strategy and ask a question back...haha) 

LASTLY - Here's a lot of other really cool sentence things that I'm doing these days:

• Going back to school - Major: Psychology.  Ultimate Goal? Walk through doors God opens for me......Dream job?  Teach courses like Old Testament and Hebrew at a university!
• I have a host daughter from Thailand who is awesome.  She will be with us another two years hopefully! Though she is currently blowing up my phone with snapchats!
• I'm attempting to learn Thai before I go to Thailand...It's harder than it looks - 5 tones...blargh.
• I love writing and I want to write more often - Do people even blog anymore these days?

Essentially - I want to make sure I live my life to the fullest potential and I want to do it how God envisions.  I want people to say that my life was a life well lived.  And I want to start that well lived life with every breath I have the opportunity to breathe! 

Thanks for reading!

Nostalgic Night

Hello Blogging World -

I seem to be feeling nostalgic tonight as I try to figure out specifics of the next steps I am taking in my life.  That's where the nostalgia begins...At one point in time, I was absolutely certain of where I was headed.  In fact, last night, I dreamed of being in a small, old practice room on the bottom floor of Ellis Hall, where I began my college journey.  In high school, I determined that I was going to school to be a music educator and that was that.  I devoted every spare and waking moment to pursuing that goal.  I spent several weeks where I put over 300 hours into my music.  I practiced the flute until my hands were beyond repair and my eyes darted to and fro reading music.  I would go to school early to practice and stay after school late to practice and then go home and practice and practiced again around 11:30pm, which was a given practice time-every night.  Regardless.  I was certain and I devoted myself to it.  Now, I can't even remember the last time I spent an hour practicing my flute though there have been a few times where I have picked it up or played a tune for my guys.  I just can't hardly believe that I devoted myself to it to the extent I did and now I do nothing for it.  I am quickly reminded why I miss it so much!

I had an absolutely amazing band teacher for two years of high school.  The very first time she challenged me with a piece for contest, it was certainly a challenge not because of the technicality of the piece but because of the story the piece had to portray.  Every piece has a story.  Whether it is a story you give it or that you must portray through it, the music takes all you've got for those 3 minutes.  From that point on, I poured all of who I was into the music.  The music shaped who I was and I shaped the music.  Not only that, but my faith, my religion, my belief in God was poured through the music that came from the instruments I played.  And inadvertently, part of who I was got left behind when I left the music program at Missouri State University.  Crazy enough, I didn't even find it when I went to the music program at Lindenwood University.

I have God for sure.  Thankfully, He never left me.  But I remember why I love music.  I communicated not only to the world through music but also to God.  I communicated to myself the pain I felt and the craziness of life.  I found comfort and excitement through playing music and listening and evaluating the story behind the music.

So, where does this take me tonight?  I'm not sure.  I'm still positive that I'm not meant to be a music teacher.  But I do know that for the sake of my humanity, I ought to keep my talent alive because it kept me alive.  I used to be good at playing the flute.  I'm not sure I'm so great now because I have devoted the time to it.  But perhaps some day I can manage to be awesome at it again.  That is....as long as I remember the goodness of music and the language it has deep within the soul....my soul.

Nostalgia can be detrimental.  If we begin to look and focus on the past so much that we forget we have a future that we can help create ahead of us, it is then that looking back can be harmful.  However, if we use it as a propeller and motivator for our future, then so be the good in it.  If we think about it, the Israelite were often nostalgic, with some good and some bad. Thinking about "how good it was back in Egypt in slavery" was not at the top of the list of precious moments in Israelite history.  However, the lessons they learned and the ways God had blessed them are remembered every single morning and evening as they recite the Shema and other prayers.  As they read the scrolls, they read them as though it is their history of their grandparents, as it is....plus a few generations or so.

Remember but don't dwell.  Remember and be thankful.

Musically Yours -

Reclaimed.

Big God, Big Vision - Pt 1

This has been laying on my heart deeply lately, so I figured I would try to put into words how BIG our God is and how BIG our vision should be.  This will be done in parts, so this is section 1 of 8.  Read, comment, whatever!  But know that I love and appreciate feedback/discussion!
1.      Dream Big
2.      Have Hope that God is FOR YOU!
3.      Stand in the face of Opposition
4.      Reality of following/trusting God
5.      Needing God beyond heaven and hell
6.      Denying yourself and your will
7.      Exchanging Your Desires for His Desires
8.      Getting Excited to Live

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SECTION ONE: DREAM BIG

“Look at the nations, and watch –

And be utterly amazed.

For I am going to do something in your days

that you would not believe, even if you were told.”

Habakkuk 1:5 (NIV)

            Be EXCITED!  You cannot even imagine what God is doing or His Master Plan!  You can’t even piece together what heaven is going to look like or even what is going to happen in the future of your marriage, kids, career, church, or the world around you.  So much of Scripture talks about an omnipresent God.  It talks about a God who is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful.  Yet, we limit ourselves.

            When we pray we ask for little things like, “Lord, give comfort to Billy Joe.  It’s just a really hard time for him.  Be with him, Lord.”  DUH!  God is already going to be with poor Billy Joe and God could do SOOOO much more if we widened our view of God.  Now, I am not saying this is a “Name It, Claim It” philosophy which is often looked upon in a negative light.  But I am saying we limit God by believing he can do so little for us.  Think about it, when did you actually ask and believe that God was going to do something huge and impossible?  In reality, we treat God as if He is small and honestly – BORING!  If we truly want to learn how to create a vision for ourselves and our church, then we need to attempt to visualize how big our God is!  We cannot get into a rut of little prayers accomplishing little things with little belief that our God can do more. 

            Job got a nice long speech about how big our God is.  He hit a rough patch in life.  It was tragic really.  He lost everything.  He lost his crops and livestock, his belongings, his career, and his family to the very last relative.  All of it was dead because God allowed Satan to test him to see if God was right about Job being righteous before God.  Not only did he lose his family and belongings, he also lost his health.  He got these sores that oozed out puss and yet he didn’t curse God as tempted, but rather Job sat in ashes, scrapping his wounds with a piece of broken pottery. 

            I admire Job at this point in the story.  When I got sick, I was not so quick to just sit around and wait for God’s work to finish.  Instead, I got angry.  I got so angry that I stopped going to church and believing that God really cared about us humans.  I was a perfectly healthy 19-year old college student who was headed for greatness, or so I thought!  I was going to get my bachelor’s degree in less than four years and head to graduate school for my dream career!  Well, I was going to do all of that until I was in a fender bender that traumatized my body into full-time, constant, chronic pain.  Day and night, 24 hours a day, 7 days a wee, my body writhed in pain.  Doctors thought I had gone mentally crazy.  Doctor after doctor, medical bill after medical bill, I strived for an answer.  But I longed for an answer far more than a diagnosis could bring.  I wanted to know why.  Why me?  Why was I cursed to live with this pain as long as my body had life?  With the pain came far more than an achy body.  Friends left quickly.  Many didn’t believe me as it was not a disease of the outside, but rather an inner aching pain that begins attacking a body where no infection lies.  Lupus SLE was the diagnosis, but it didn’t answer why I was being forced to live in constant pain.  The people who stuck around me gave all sorts of advice as to why it might be happening to me. 

            Job faced the same thing.  As he sat in ashes, friends came and sat by him.  I imagine he liked when they sat merely in silence, mourning his loss with him, until finally, they spoke.  They told him the age-old stories of why he had to go through all of this pain.  But, as you can imagine, not many words can calm someone when you are dealing with that kind of pain.  Eventually, after many days, Job is pushed to the breaking point.  In Job 29, he merely reflects on the way things were before disaster came, but by chapter 30, Job is brewing up a storm.  He complains and considers himself a righteous man, undeserving of what has come to him.  In Job 38, after another long speech from a friend, God answers Job.  I assure you, I would not have wanted this rebuke from God which went on four chapters thereafter. 

            What you need to know, and I encourage you to read it for yourself, is that God is truly all-powerful!  He takes care of the rising and setting of the sun and the tides and where the moon sits in the sky.  He controls the weather and the animals.  He is the ONLY righteous being!  He is BIG!  He is “large and in charge!” Yet, we deny that He could do more for us than bring a little peace and comfort.  We give in to the idea that it bothers God or that it is wrong to ask for more than what could be considered “politically correct” to have.  In fact, I think it bothers God when we ask for so little.  How can we truly trust and follow a God whom we allow to do so little in our lives? 

Jesus tells this parable in Luke 7:41-43, 47 (NIV).

“Two men owed money to a certain moneylender.  One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty.  Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he canceled the debts of both.  Now which of them will love him more?”

                        Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.”

                        “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said…

“Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – for she loved much.  But he who has been forgiven little loves little.”

            I love this parable. It falls just in the middle of Jesus being anointed by a sinful woman.  Imagine Jesus eating dinner with the Pharisees and a woman who was known by the entire town as a sinful woman entered the house with an alabaster jar of perfume.  Imagine the woman coming and sitting at Jesus’ feet allowing her tears to cover Jesus’ feet so much that she was able to wipe them clean.  This woman’s hair was long and probably tied back, but she sat at Jesus’ feet, undoing her hair, and wiping his feet with her hair.  She bent down kissing them and pouring perfume on them.  Now, imagine you are the Pharisee who allowed Jesus into your home believing He was a great prophet.  The thoughts that roamed in the Pharisee’s mind were probably along the lines of disgust.  He felt disgusted that Jesus, a great prophet, would allow such a sinful woman to touch him.  Jesus subtly addresses these thoughts in this conversation with Simon Peter. 

            “He who has been forgiven loves little,” verse 47.  We forget that we ourselves are sinners and are in need of that forgiveness.  But more than that, I believe we forget that those who have been pulled out of a life of such turmoil love Jesus much more than we can imagine.  Why?  Because they came expecting that healing, that forgiveness, that anointing, knowing that nothing else on this earth can give it to them.  They knew that no one would be so forgiving and so powerful that they could allow such mercy EXCEPT for Jesus.  They knew His power.  They were able to dream that there was life beyond “that” sin or “that” mistake. 

            I am sure you can remember back when you were a kid when it was “that” thing that was so bad that you were gonna get a good whoopin’ for that one.  Or you can remember that time when you did something so bad that no one could ever forgive you.  Or early on in school when you did something so wrong that now your best friend was never ever going to trust you ever again!  I think we’ve forgotten that we still do this today.

            When I got my driver’s license at age 16, I thought I was pretty cool.  I was a year behind all of my classmates because I was almost a year younger than everyone, but I was awesome.  Two weeks after I got it, the first week of my junior year of high school, I totaled my mom’s van.  After I got back behind the wheel, in January, less than 5 months after getting my license, I slid on a patch of black ice, rolled down a hill, and by the grace of God a tree line stopped us.  Both accidents no one was hurt, but I totaled another van.  That January morning, the cell phone tower was out.  My brother, who is 18 months younger than I am, ran to a nearby house and called my parents.  I was TERRIFIED!  I didn’t think my parents were ever going to forgive me because I screwed up not only once but twice.  I had my siblings with me both times as well as a friend.  Of course, my parents forgave me but let’s just say, it took a long time for me to get behind the wheel again!  This story may seem silly to you, but it completely adjusted my way of thinking about the parable on forgiveness. 

            The great thing about God is that if we confess and truly seek to change our ways, He will forgive us.  Over and over again, He will forgive.  When I think about my parents’ forgiveness toward me and how I thought I was never going to be forgiven, I am amazed at how God works in our lives.  It took a long time for God to help me release that burden that I carried.  I wasn’t sure God was going to forgive me even if my earthly parents already had.  But God’s love is far more than what we can even imagine. 

            If God’s love is that large, imagine what He wants to be able to do for us as long as we are willing to ask and believe that He can achieve such impossibility!  Ephesians 3:20 (NIV) says, “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us...” That’s right!  He can do more than all we could ask or imagine, so why do we limit Him by limiting our prayers?  Why do we plan out our entire life knowing that God could do so much more if we allowed Him?  If we truly place our lives in His hands, we can have a vision of the future like no one else!  We can rely on His promises.  We can count on His faithfulness.  We can attempt to imagine how awesome our lives can be! 

            Those who have been forgiven much know His Power!  They know they can dream BIG because they have a big God!  A God of the impossible who can do more than we can imagine! 

            Dream BIG!  It’s worth it!  

Where Good Must Win

I try to write something interesting.  Something that will appeal to others and take them on a whirlwind adventure, yet I still remain unsuccessful.  I imagine a world with exciting characters who embark on daring journeys only to cease midway because I cannot finish their end.  It is like I stop existing merely because my characters come to a conflict.  They reach a conflict in the story and we cannot push our way through it.  As if something might judge their choice, judge the author, and never finish the book, although the book still remains unfinished and off the shelves.

I fear completing a book I am proud of only for it to be rejected by editor after editor, publisher after publisher.  Or, the fear overwhelms me of printing a book only for it to remain on the shops' shelves never to be read by an innocent teen or adult. For one to read the cover and place it back on the shelf.  For one to read the book and for no impact to be had.  Life for the individual has been made no better or worse by letting the book come into existence.  No thought having been provoked or an idea challenged.  This is what I fear and it ceases my writing.

The fear causes boring characters and insignificant plot twists or rather none at all.  It causes me to imagine a far away land, but not be able to put it into words in order for it to come close to home.  Ideas are stunted under the weight of the world's judgment and yet I write to await the world that lies before me.  I write to escape the land I know now to a land which seems sweeter and brighter.  Yet even the utopias of stories must have conflict.  The rise and fall of people and their beliefs must exist in a good plot.  Right versus wrong.  Good versus evil.  It all seems the same in comparison.  Happy endings are a must, even sad ones must be happy.  Never does bad win.  To have an evil ending is considered a bad one.  To let love lose may be considered a crime in a novel.  Yet people face conflict in reality and contrary to popular belief, good does not always win.

Heart breaks and heart-failures occur every day.  Where do we go to deal with it?  No, not to books, but rather to others who sympathize and put their hand on our shoulder saying, "You will get through this," though rarely believing they will get through their own life's circumstances.  Crime happens daily, yet we want the good to win in books.  Divorces are finalized every day, yet love must win.  Death comes daily, yet life is to go on.  Cancer and chronic diseases persist, yet we desire healing to emerge without some supernatural being we cannot see intervening.  We live in a world of hurt and pain yet we ask to escape into a book full of conflict so we can relate only for the book to lie, telling us that good, life, and love always win.  Too often we ignore the Higher Power we rely on in life, yet we want our books, news, government, and schools to be free of such mystery.  Why do we not seek to uncover these mysteries?  Why do we believe good, life, and love naturally win when without a god in our lives, chaos remains?  Why do we insist on our lives being free from God when we inwardly hunger for good, life, and love to win as they must in books and movies?
We call the spiritual people too religious or a freak or just naive, yet we expect good to win in our world.  What kind of God does this truly depict?

I do not believe people really know what they want, or rather what their inner being wants.  Why do we insist upon good winning out over any conflict?  Does it truly exist in our reality or do we only believe it must appear in our books?  Do we really desire a Utopian world where good, life, and love win over every conflict, crime, and marriage?  Do we really believe we can create this for ourselves?  Or do all of us secretly believe that someone higher than ourselves helps to restore good, yet cannot admit it because of the judgment of the world around us?  Yet the writer in me wonders.

Do the words of a daring adventure that wins with good and with a little romance suffice our need for good to exist?  For love to win over the heart breaks we face.  For one to be able to dream of being a part of an out-of-reach reality where good always wins?  Is this what we expect of our authors?  For the authors to create a world in which we cannot life in because we insist upon ignoring that we do trust in God.  That He will cause good, life, love, and hope to win over everything we deal with on a daily basis?

So I do fear that the readers have lost touch with the world they live in at this moment.  Where one can only find peace and happiness in made up lands and happy endings.  Where the bad guy is always punished justly and the love story continues after conflict pursues its end.  And where religion is ignored in fear of admitting that we may not be a self-sufficient people.  A book where every loop of an author's pen creates another twist or another turn that may lead to God being the only way out of the mess of conflict we live in today.

Do we desire for good to win, because if so, we may need supernatural help that we cannot see...The kind that doesn't take the form of a ghost, witch, vampire, etc.  We may need a God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and most of all, all-loving.  But, do we want to admit it?

Self Assessment

Every once in a while, I step back and take a look at myself, my life, and my potential future.  The last couple weeks have been one of those times, especially as I wrapped up my small group/class on exploring your call.  So, here's the highlights from my "self-assessment."

Physically, I am exhausted. My lupus is flaring like crazy and the pain is intense.  Though it doesn't consume my life, I am tired of fighting it though I am unwilling to give up!  When the pain was lessened, I came off of all of my break-through medications.  It was wonderful!  But, now that it is back, my "usual" lupus med is allowing breakthrough pain like crazy!  Every joint, every muscle, every thought is affected by lupus.  And tip of advice?  Don't ask me for directions anytime soon!  I have lupus fog like crazy so I can't remember a thing without writing it down and directions are nuts!  I think I drove about 5 miles out of my way today just because I forgot what we were doing and where I was headed!  This is also probably why none of this will make much sense.  Lol.

Mentally, I am drained.  My job is taking everything I have and dumping it onto the ground.  As a home health aide, for the company I work for, I can't do much.  Pretty much, I'm a babysitter and a maid.  The one good thing is that I have steady hours for most of this month and then chaos erupts, but I'll take the steady 8a-4p hours while I can. I do work with kiddos, which is awesome!  Much better than adults - no offense adults out there.  :)  But kids these days are so electronically hooked that trying to get them to do anything but watch TV or play video games or on tablets.....yeah, it's pretty much impossible.  Anyway, I have gotten one to listen to me read.....for a LONG time.....and one that will play at least one board game or do one craft a day.  But, I still feel like a babysitter, which makes me feel quite useless in the career sense.

Emotionally?  Other than being exhausted, I am pretty stable.  Not many ups and downs.  I wish my job was more interesting and tending to my passions, but other than that, not too much of a roller coaster.

Spiritually?  While my body is exhausted, spiritually, I am on FIRE!  I have a sense of passion that has been reignited and a sense of moving forward.  I am planted in a growing and vibrant congregation within the UMC.  I love it!  But more than anything, my calling has come out again.  And I'm not sure why but I get the sense that I don't need to have any other Plan Bs anymore.  In fact, I'm pretty sure God needs me to drop the whole Plan B or back-up plan because that has been a cause of thorns since the beginning.  I am pretty sure I will just be running at it or for it.  I think it is a trust thing.  It's hard going in as a gay Christian....It's like swimming upstream in the rapids.  So to me, a puny human, being in full-time ministry as like, a job, seems impossible.  But to God, there is no impossible!  SO - I get the pleasure of walking and letting God direct my footsteps as we go.  In all honesty, it is a mixture of fear and excitement.  But, I should have known it wasn't as easy as preaching to my 15 stuffed animals and two little siblings (and whoever else I could get to listen) when I was seven and already knew what the future held.

SO - This is what I do know.

My job is draining me.  I need out as soon as the way is made.

I'll get my bachelors in whatever, but I'm leaning towards Psychology.  I steered away from it when I saw it as a useless degree for Plan B, but I like Psychology so hey, I'm gonna do it.  Just gotta "find" the money to go and start because I'll only be going part-time since that's all I can pay for....Unless any of you or Jesus has a different idea on how to fund this extravaganza.

After my bachelors, I might as well head to seminary.  Where?  I don't know.  But I'll get my MDiv (no messin' around) and see what happens.

As for things I don't know?

I don't know where I will find the money.
I don't know how a gay Christian is going to enter and get through the candidacy process of the UMC when it's not "officially" allowed.
I don't know where I'll live in less than 6 months.
I don't know where I will work.......
And I definitely have no idea what my "ministry" actually looks like........

Regardless, I am so excited for what the future holds I could just get my SHOUT on!  Trusting that Jesus will make the way because I have no idea how it is going to happen!  And I hope and pray that I will have the strength, willingness, courage, and patience to do whatever He needs me to do in order for me to obey and find rest in Him.

Life with PASSION

Making sense of life has been really difficult for me the past few years.  December 2011, I decided I was done with school.  Or at least, for the moment.  I had health issues going on and on top of that, I really had no idea what I was going to do with my life.  In July 2011, I got myself a girlfriend.  Lol.  While that sounds really odd in writing, it really shook my world upside down.  Up until that point, I had planned on being a pastor.  Being a lesbian changed everything.  I was trying to figure out how I was going to do something that was impossible with the current church doctrine.  While I believe and I believed at that point that God had no issue with me being with a woman, the church had an issue with it.  SO - From that point on, I dismissed the idea that I would become a pastor anytime soon.  And as of right now, while that calling is still there, I don't think I will become a pastor anytime soon.  (Sorry for the letdown guys...lol)

I was left with nothing.  Well, I actually had a LOT of nothing. 
A semester of work in music education.
Three semesters of work in interpersonal communication.
Semester of work in English - that I really did not like! 
No money.
No job.
No stability in the family.
No church.
And almost, no God.

I had pretty much given up.  I had no passion left.  I hurt.  I was angry.  And I was done.  Short of taking my own life, I decided to take a break from trying to figure out what to do with my life and just live life for a while.  My parents, flute teacher, and family hated my decision.  I did too.  But I was desparate to figure things out.  Not saying I have everything figured out, but God has taught me a lot in the last couple of years.

Most of my sanity has actually come from being a part of a church called Light of Love Fellowship.  It was based in Saint Louis and since has closed its doors less than a year after we (Nichole and I) found them.  It was definitely a God-send.  They were a MUCH different church than what I was used to being a part of.  They shouted and danced and RAN IN CHURCH!!!  Like DURING service!  They taught me how to praise God like my life depended on it, because honestly, it did depend on it!  They taught me how to pray and believe that change was going to occur but also to be willing for that change to happen.  They taught me that the Word of God is more than a book of stories and instructions on how to live life but also PROMISES!  Ya see, when you're desparate and people tell you to read your Bible, unless you have the eyes to see the promises you see a bunch of stuff you're not doing right.  And it can be really condemning especially if you're struggling with something like being a homosexual.  This church taught me that it was okay to be me.  That I can be a homosexual and a Christian.  Ha!  My Pastor was gay, surely if God calls homosexuals to be leaders in the church, then I could be a Christian.  Nichole and I were later married in that church on November 17, 2012.  Most of the people in attendance were church members, other than family.  We then learned how to live a Godly life as a married couple.  One according to the Bible and the standard that God has for all relationships.  They also opened the possibility of my calling back up. 

Meanwhile, in June 2012 (just before we found LOLF), I began working with adults who have disabilities.  I no longer work for the organization, but I am still in the field.  I call them "my people."  People who have disabilities, no matter what age or disability, are the most compassionate people I have ever met.  They are fun and loving.  They are stubborn just as you or I and have STRONG personalities.  They are not vegetables.  They are more sweet than a strawberry!  Anyway, LOLF also taught me a lot about the calling as a minister in our every day lives.  Everyone knows that we all aren't meant to be pastors or have a job title in the church.  But does everyone know that we all still have that commission that Jesus gave us in Matthew 28?  We are all called to make disciples, to teach, to love, to share, to help someone make the decision to be baptized....We're called to do this in our every-day "normal" vocation/career/life.  So, little by little as I waited impatiently for that calling to be a pastor to be "NOW" I learned to live it out at my workplace.  Now, I'm not perfect by any means.  Little by little I learn how to do things better.  BUT - Through that, I've found a deep love and passion for these people.  The advocation they need.  The care they need.  The love they need.  The teaching they need.  The healing they need. 

I'm sure you all saw the posts about going to Maryville for OT, and then for Rehabilitation Sciences, and then Music therapy, and who knows what else?!  I'm sure you've seen umpteen million posts about this is what I'm going to do with my life!  When I get on something, a lot of times I'll run with it while it is premature.  Hence the waiting with this one. 

And I'm still not giving the details.  Sorry! 

I will tell you this.  I'm entering a field that wasn't on my radar before.  I'm entering a field that I've dismissed many times when it has come up.  I'm entering a field that Jalen would approve of.  I'm entering a field that will give me the ability to work in a variety of places and care for a number of people.  I'm entering a field that is QDDP certified, allowing me to work with MY People.  Where compassion is abundant!  And where the need is there. 

Absolute Dream Job:  Wherever God leads me. 

My Best:  Working with the Disabled (DMH - Department of Mental Health).  Whether that be in a mental institute, behavioral analysis therapy, school, someone's home, doctor's office, group rehabilitation center, an office putting together PCP (person-centered plans), as a casemanager, etc.  Like I said, there's a lot of possibilities.  Who knows, I could work for the DMH myself!

By now you may have guessed.  But the rest of the details as to where and when it will happen is ITLH - In the Lord's Hand. 

If you pray to Jesus Christ, I'd love prayers.  For discernment and for the financial means to acheive what I need to do.  As of right now, I am only elegible for loans as I am still considered a "dependent" according to the state and my parents are not helping with school costs this time around.  Most of the costs will have to be paid outright and reimbursed with a check if loans are available (as most loans do not post until Sept 15 and many schools requre tuition to be paid before the semester even begins).  Favor with the admissions department would be awesome too. 

I'm interested to see where God takes me with this path.  Who knows, maybe I will still be an "ordained" pastor.  But for now, I'm content with the ministry I am involved in now.  I am excited.  I have direction.  I have PASSION! 

Did I mention that I am EXCITED???